Work Text:
[Announcer]:
Epic Rap Battles of History.
Marcus Tullius Cicero.
Versus!
Phoeniiix Wriiight.
BEGIN!
Verse 1
[Phoenix]:
The defense is ready, Your Honor, to end this trial upon us.
’Cause this spiky-haired lawyer will turn Cicero into hummus
With logical deduction and a touch of spirit magic. (Maya appears next to him)
Let’s do it like all my cases: I’ll be witty and you’ll be tragic.
I have to force my biggest smile even just looking at your face.
So I’m gonna do it like Clodius and punt you out of your place. (Cicero’s stage background changes from the center of Rome to a rural coastline until verse 2)
Now you’re cut down in size so far from where your ego was bloated
You’ll need a stepladder to reach my balls. (sets up a small stepladder reaching up to his groin)
[Maya]:
It’s a ladder, Nick.
[Phoenix] (exasperated):
Noted.
Verse 2
[Cicero]:
How long will you continue to abuse our ear canals?
Who put a third-rate shyster against me? Really, what was the rationale?
I am the greatest orator of history, the real Ace Attorney.
So for the Senate and the People, I will put you out on a gurney.
You could hardly win a case without the help of your dead boss. It’s true.
And how are you going to drop any bars, when the bar was the very thing that dropped you? (Phoenix gets transformed into his hobo outfit from Apollo Justice, Maya disappears)
You keep secrets from your apprentice and daughter. You think you’re such a tough act to follow. (Apollo and Trucy replace Maya next to Phoenix)
But I am a Roman citizen, so of course I defer to Apollo. (Apollo punches Phoenix in the face, then leaves)
Now let the Father of the Fatherland tell you what your parenting score is:
You guzzle ‘grape juice’ while your teenage daughter pays the bills. O TEMPORA O MORES.
Verse 3
[Phoenix] (transforms into his Dual Destinies outfit, now alone again):
OBJECTION! Going soft on Caesar is no longer your worst error.
’Cause now you've gone and went up against the Turnabout Terror.
You’re talking ethics and family? Let’s talk about you being shifty.
Your favorite family member’s your slave, and you didn’t free him ’till he was fifty.
You win your cases with slander and lies, you’re a sham of an advocate!
I think you need a reminder of the feeling of loss. So Maya, show him. TAKE THAT! (Maya comes back and goes in a channeling stance)
[Tullia] (being channeled by Maya, looks at Cicero, confused):
Papa? (disappears from stage)
Verse 4
[Cicero] (visibly agitated):
You went too far, fiend. So you think I’ve gone soft? (takes out a scroll)
Your name’s not the only bird that’s an omen when I'm Philippin’ you off. (unrolls scroll revealing a drawing of a middle finger)
I’ll crush you more thoroughly than I did Verres. Take notes, this will be exemplary. (throws scroll at Phoenix)
Your entire personality is based on one day in elementary!
My writings last through the ages, providing wisdom and direction.
All you’ve ever produced in writing is a mountain of gay fanfiction.
You’re just another Puny Phoenie. Ask my buddy Cato’s ancestor what Rome did to those. (background shows a map of the Mediterranean, a burn smoldering in the spot where Carthago was. A smaller version of ‘Feenie’ looks on, scared)
To feel for you is unnecessary, which is something even your boyfriend knows.
You never even get a new game anymore, we can all witness your series die.
Face it, you’re washed up, you’re done. It's all over. Now go cry.
[Announcer]:
WHO WON?
WHO’S NEXT?
YOU DEC—
Verse 5
[Phoenix] (interrupting):
HOLD IT! Your Honor, this bum rap battle can’t end just yet!
You wanna do me dirty like Mark Anthony? Better make sure you don’t lose your head.
I may be a defense attorney, but I’m still getting perps their ‘Guilty’.
You got murderers off the hook, and got repaid by being killed. See?
I present the final piece of evidence against the contradiction that is your persistence:
You wanted to to save the Republic. But you only helped end its existence. (Emperor Augustus appears next to Cicero and pats him on the back)
[Announcer]:
…Can I do it now? *Ahem*
WHO WON?
WHO’S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
E-E-E-E-EPIC RA-A-A-AP BATTLES O-O-O-O-O-OF HI-I-I-I-STO-O-RYYYYYYY (sung to the tune of Pursuit ~ Cornered)