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everyone else has already had their first kiss…
all your classmates bragged about it on the first day of school, throwing around their newfound experiences from over the summer, while you sat there and listened, eyes wide as their lips moved excitedly to describe the fireworks that had set off in their stomachs as soon as their lips connected with their first ever partner. you walked home that day a little quiet while caleb talked, steering you in the right direction when you veered off-course. once he made sure your things were all ready for the next day and dinner was done, he finally sits down across from you at the table and takes the phone out of your hands.
"alright, pipsqueak, you've been quiet all day…" he tilts his head at you. "what's going on in this little noggin?"
you huff as he locks the screen of the phone and puts it face down on the table before resting his hands on the white cloth covering it. his purple gaze is almost too much as it digs into you. you're pretty sure if you just let him stare at you for an hour, he'd be able to read exactly what's bothering you without you uttering a single word. he's always been good like that. but you don't want to be prodded by his eyes for so long this time, instead you rub your eyes and sigh.
"i'm falling behind." you confess, wondering how to phrase your problem without sounding so damn childish.
"it's only the first day, pips, there's nothing you can't catch up on quickly."
"i mean…" you look away for a moment, feeling embarrassed at even needing to say it, but caleb wouldn't judge you. not now, not ever, and it's not even a fear in the back of your mind, but your own judgement that if you say it out loud it becomes real. something to fear or point and laugh at or skirt and avoid forever. "all of my friends had their first kiss over the summer. and they all loved it, and i'm the only one left and i feel like a child."
he reaches over the table and holds you by your wrists, gently rubbing circles on your cool skin. caleb waits for you to say something else, but when you don't, he takes a deep breath.
"there's no shame in getting to experience things later than others. you aren't late for anything, just go at your own pace." his gaze is soft, lips stretched into a half smile meaning to reassure you, but the feeling doesn't relent. you're still small in your own insecurity, wrapped in it like in a straightjacket that can't get any tighter.
"it feels like i'm…" you don't want to say it, not when he's doing his best to make you feel like you're enough every day, "inadequate. like they've got the upper hand in everything and it just keeps going. first it's a stable home life, then it's first kisses, then it's going to be a successful career—"
"pipsqueak." he cuts you off before you can spiral any more, getting up and pulling you by your wrist to the couch. once you're seated on the soft cushion, he pulls you in for a good, warm cuddle against his chest. comfortable, immune from the outside world, wrapped in the bubble that ends where his arms end, you breathe him in and close your eyes. "it doesn't determine your worth. you're so much more than the experiences of those snotty babies you call classmates." you can't help but snort in laughter at that, and his lips tug into a smile as he hears you. "and besides, i'll bet all my savings that most of them didn't even like their first kiss. they just won't admit it out loud."
your head lifts up slightly, catching his eyes as he gently caresses the back of your head.
"how do you know that?"
"nobody knows how to kiss on the first try, it's just logic. they were probably messy and wet, but that doesn't make them sound very cool, does it?" he winks. "bet you're gonna have a better one than they did, and you won't even have to lie about it."
you clear your throat, afraid you'll get caught staring at the way his lips are moving as he forms those words. sighing, your legs pulled up under you on the couch, you lean into him to get closer, already feeling a little better than you did before. so caring, caleb rubs your back now, feeling your heart beat against his chest like his favourite melody. he can feel your body relax further into him, and he knows he's doing well with you.
"i just don't wanna wonder what it's gonna be like, what if i mess it up?"
your worried tone is adorable, you can see the twinkle in his eyes as he looks down at you, a quirk on the corner of his lips like he's deep in thought.
"you won't. you're a clever girl, pipsqueak, good at everything you do."
"except for math."
he laughs and ruffles your hair, dealing with your groan the only way he ever does, by messing your hair up further.
"yeah," he chuckles, "except for math. but you have me for it. good old caleb with his big, beautiful, wrinkly brain that knows how to explain anything to this clever pipsqueak."
you narrow your eyes as his hands continue rubbing your back again. it's true, he's been the one to tutor you whenever you've had an exam coming up ever since you started school. like having a couple of years of advantage made him wiser and capable of taking care of himself and you, and never once complain about it. never once make you feel like you're a burden.
"caleb is so smart," you begin, knowing it warms his heart when you praise him like this, "and the best at explaining things. i bet he could also teach me how to kiss if he tried."
caleb's hand pauses on your back, taken by surprise, but soon he collects himself and chuckles softly. his thumb gently lifts your chin up to face him, despite your unwillingness to do it right after uttering that idea out loud.
"pips…" he sighs, "you shouldn't rush this just because you wanna get it over and done with, y'know?" he doesn't let go of your chin, instead letting you stabilise the eye contact before opening your mouth to speak, voice soft as a breeze through his hair.
"but i wanna know what it's like."
he keeps your gaze for a while longer, almost like searching for a sprinkle of doubt in your irises, but coming up short. it's like the breath between you is suspended in time, a moment stretching forever like a thread of silk glistening in the sun like his eyes glisten as they're unable to look away. your face is so precious, full of hope and anticipation, and he looks like he could almost feel bad taking it into his hands to be your teacher, but you've got that adamant spark of want in your look, something so unique to you that he always calls out when you look at him with it. something that's almost guaranteed to get you into trouble.
but now the only trouble is messing up a simple movement.
he leans in slowly, lips slightly parted, and when they nearly touch yours he whispers into the space between you.
"just do what feels natural, okay? don't think. just do."
and with that, his lips press against yours. they're warm, soft, they taste of the words he just spoke, a promise and a soft guidance, sweet between your tongue and teeth. you respond in a way almost natural, pressing against them gently, letting him take the lead. if you feel lightheaded, it has to be natural. feeling the scent of his skin with your nose against his cheek makes you want more, so you reach up and cup his cheek with one hand, gentle as your thumb brushes his cheekbone. you pull away to breathe, having forgotten how to while you kissed him. you kissed him. and he kissed you.
"you said…" you begin once you find the words, "that the first kiss is always bad. you lied."
he laughs briefly, like you caught him off guard with that silly accusation. while he may not have said those exact words, you're usually good at catching him at his half-truths, calling him out on them whenever you can.
"well… it is, unless it's with me." his forehead rests against yours, and it's warmer than before. his heart beats faster, and yours is catching up with the rhythm. "and every kiss after that can only get better."
you look up at him, swallowing as his gaze pierces through you. "can i… test that? what if you're lying about that as well?"
caleb pulls you closer by your hips, settling you on his lap while gently caressing your sides.
"go ahead, detective pipsqueak. test me all you want."
he's got that smirk on his face again, the one that says he's giving in to your demands while secretly benefiting from them too. the smirk you usually see just before he takes your hand and runs through the crowd of a festival to go grab you that last plushie you wanted or to hide from the rain together at the old bus stop by your house. you lean in again, and this time you know what to do… sort of. still, he's a fairly good teacher, and you've always been a quick learner. except for math.