Archive of Our Own

The clock striked 3:21 when he checked his watch for the 4th time in the past two minutes.  It was not like Chris to be late, not even for a few short moments.

His phone disappointed him just as much, silently displaying that no new message had arrived since he last checked, forty-five seconds ago. He unlocked his phone and hovered over the messenger app, considering to send a text to his friend but hesitated; the last thing he wanted was to overreact and give Chris a mild anxiety attack or worse: a sense of guilt for not being punctual for once.

It was the first time in a few weeks they both had time to see each other. Far away from press promotion or postproduction parties.

When Chris had called the other day, Sebastian had frowned at his phone for a minute, too surprised to answer the call right away, but its consistent ringing had convinced him he was not being called accidentally. And that’s how he ended up here, on an afternoon he was able to spend without responsibilities and expectations to meet.

His gaze fell out the window, focusing on the road as his phone met the surface of the table with a dull thud.

They had selected this tiny, peaceful café in a not so busy street - just to be safe - and Sebastian was grateful when his eyes had made out that table for two, chairs hidden from the outside world, but just close enough to the window to satisfy his need for ever-moving impressions oozing from of all kinds of different people moving through the world..

As he still wasn’t able to make out Chris’ prominent and well-remembered features among the sea of faces,  he led his attention back into the room and took another look around. The interior caused a feeling of coziness with the walls covered with something of a vaguely old- and faded-looking red and the furniture not quite matching but all made of dark wood. Dusty little chandeliers were illuminated but not necessary at this time of day as the big windows were not a barrier for the broad daylight. An antique espresso machine blew steam into the air and the high-pitched sound of pressure that mixed in with the chatter and the clattering of people enjoying a cup of coffee or a piece of pastry.  Sebastian had never been here before but he had fallen in love with this small shop as soon as he had chosen his seat and taken in all the impressions around him.

His look had wandered back to the street again and finally a person wearing a sweatshirt and jeans that just fit them right approached the café, his face hidden in the shadow of a base cap.

He knew something was wrong before Chris had even entered the café. The door flung open at such speed that the tiny bell announcing a new customer fell from the board above the entrance and to the feet of the new guest who looked at it in surprise before picking it up, looking shocked and apologetic at the woman behind the counter.

Sebastian knew that look, familiar and clear like a painful memory. Chris might have been in good shape and grown into a very strong person since they met but he never used that strength outside of the gym or a film set. In fact Chris was one of the most gentle people Sebastian knew and it was not usual for him to break something, albeit accidentally.

After a few deeply apologetic words and a very sorry look exchanged with the owner - probably silently accompanied by self-loathing and a very loud pang of guilt - Chris turned around. He scanned the room for Sebastian, finding him already looking at him in curiosity.

Sebastian could see his body rise and fall in a heavy sigh before Chris made his way past other tables, insecure feet taking him towards the very end of the room. Before he had even reached the table he had worked up a genuine smile. Chris was happy to see a friend after all. This one in particular.

"Seb, Hi!" he smiled and wrapped Sebastian, who had risen to greet Chris just a little prematurely, up in an open-hearted and welcoming embrace. “I am so sorry for being late.” he murmured, words audibly pressing through his throat.

"No problem at all, Chris. Good to see you!" For some reason Sebastian felt a blush working its way up his cheeks and was very glad for the body contact hiding his face.

They turned the embrace into a proper hug and Sebastian made sure to squeeze Chris extra tight. Chris held him a split second longer than usual but Sebastian did not mind at all. He smelled like fresh air, sweat and a hint of wood and pine needle. For some reason Sebastian still could not get behind, why this particular scent was always present in the air surrounding Chris.

Chris dropped in the seat opposite of where Sebastian sat down again.

"It's good to see you, man" Chris began before Sebastian had a chance to ask what was up.

Sebastian nodded and let his lips spread into a soft, hopefully not too tight, smile, unsure whether to ask what happened yet or wait until they had ordered.

His patience was spared by the waiter approaching their table and taking their orders.

Tea and New York Cheesecake for Sebastian, coffee and potato wedges for Chris.

Sebastian could not help but chuckle his "thank you" to the waiter who wrote down their orders and promised to be back soon; sometimes him and Chris were so different but so similar at the same time that Sebastian could not quite figure out what the actual differences or similarities were. He just knew that he did not really care as long as they got along this well - almost effortlessly.

When he led his attention back to Chris he found him already looking at him with a thoughtful expression on his face. It was one of those expressions Sebastian rarely saw on someone's face in public, much less when they knew they were being watched and he always felt like intruding when he noticed that look.

Sebastian did not interrupt Chris' thoughts for a while and waited patiently, looking around the café, watching people come and leave and the owner's daughter fixing the bell.

She was a tall girl, solid looking with bright blue hair and a dimple on her right cheek. Her glasses rode down the back of her nose a few inches and every now and then she had to push them back up.

The sun had wandered a little and the buildings around the city casted long shadows and took some of the daylight away, allowing the chandeliers to shine.

He heard a sigh and his eyes wandered back to Chris' who had left his thought-process where it was just in time for their order to arrive and them to sit in silence to eat their food for a few more moments.

“A penny for your thoughts.” Sebastian tried in a light-hearted way and finally, finally, Chris broke the silence, but not without his jaw tightening and his shoulders drawing together first

"I just read the latest Captain America issue that is supposed to hit the shops in two weeks."

The heavy drop of his voice left no doubt that Chris had bottled up an outburst of feelings and needed to tell somebody. Sebastian could barely hold back a smile at realizing it was him to know first, although his heart was skipping a beat at seeing Chris in a nearly heart-broken state.

He looked up from his tea that was still too hot to drink and waited for Chris to continue but he just sighed and shook his head munching on a potato wedge.

"Is it that bad?" Sebastian asked. He had not seen his friend like that in a very long while. Not since Chris had read the script for the latest Captain America sequel and learned about Peggy Carter’s death.

Chris snorted without delight.

"Bad is an understatement" he replied, bitterness following his words. "But I can't tell you anything." He took a look around and added in a quieter voice "Not in here at least."

Sebastian shot him a questioning and worried look but remained silent.

After another beat of no words being spoken, Sebastian took a sip from his tea and burned his tongue.  "Fuck!" He swore under his breath and Chris burst into laughter, bright and honest, and left Sebastian with a momentary feeling of relief.

"Every damn time! It’s ice tea for you next time, Seb. Or we might have to ask the waiter to hold it back for 20 minutes before you get your hands on it!"

Sebastian smiled at his friend - the use of the word ‘we’ repeating in his head for a fleeting moment - and Chris’ eyes crinkled from returning the genuine sentiment. Chris was one of these people who were able to move on from a serious topic and lighten the mood very easily.

He felt a ball of heat forming and tingling in his stomach which he blamed the hot tea for although, logically, it would have taken a lot more of the steaming drink to warm his insides. Logic did not always apply for Sebastian Stan, though.

-

Cake, potatoes and more or less hot beverages later and with a visibly lifted mood, Chris carefully opened the door of the café and held it open for Sebastian to leave.

Sebastian blushed, fortunately too subtle for Chris to notice, and  couldn’t help but shake the faint idea of this being a date. Somehow that got him feeling very fuzzy.

They had spent much more time talking and laughing and eating than they had noticed, the sun already sunken low behind various buildings, and the air felt quite chilly in the long shadows being cast around them.

"You wanna join me for a few drinks and a film?" Sebastian asked. The words had not quite left his mouth when he felt a rush of excitement and anxiety running through his body. Was that too much? Had that question be too bold? What was up with him today, why was he so shaky and excited? As an answer to his self-addressed question, he felt a rich tone of red reappear on his face.

Sebastian decided to blame all of it on the length and intensity of the press junket and told himself he was simply happy to see Chris again far from all of it. He was hoping he did not sound too desperate.

Fortunately, Chris' eyes lit up. There were just a few things he loved more than drinks or shitty films and one of them was having drinks while watching shitty films.

“You have to ask?” he replied and wrapped his left arm around Sebastian’s shoulders to pull him closer and squeeze him in a joyful gesture. Sebastian tensed for a split second at the sudden touch and the way he felt himself fit against the broad and warm frame but Chris had already let go of him and they made their way to the Subway.

They had made a rather infrequent habit out of meeting in the little spare time they had to talk over drinks while commenting on whatever rom com or splatter or whatever mediocre film was on as a background noise and it had been what felt like an eternity since they had the opportunity to do so last time.

-

The drinks usually turned out to only be beer and, depending how late the night got, maybe a few shots of whatever strong stuff either of them had in store.

Beer it was again this time and, to Sebastian's amusement and Chris' embarrassment, Sebastian found a channel where "What's Your Number" was on.

They laughed over naked Colin opening the door to fetch his newspaper, much to Ally’s terror, and Colin's selfie game in the bathtub a couple minutes later.

“Ah, this film was so much fun to shoot but I can’t watch this” Chris hid his face behind both hands and Sebastian laughed even louder.

The evening went on and over their chatter they did not notice the film ending and the credits rolling off screen.

They got lost in talking about the experiences they had made by starring in weird productions and how much they each had improved through them as well.
At some point, Chris began talking about how grateful he was that Robert had convinced him to take the role as Steve Rogers despite his anxiety to be part of a franchise this big and Sebastian could not help but feel pride swell his chest. Not for himself but for Chris whom he had witnessed growing so much over the past five years.

‘This is it’ Sebastian thought at one point ‘I could do this every night.’ The thought was unexpected, but if he was really honest to himself and thought about it for a moment, it didn’t surprise him that much.

Their conversation had trailed off and night covered the city outside his windows when Sebastian found it to be time to ask Chris about the comic.

"So, Chris" he started hesitantly "let’s talk about the comic, what could possibly be so bad you were this down earlier?"

And just like that, all light left Chris' eyes and his smile dropped from his face.

Sebastian did not know what to do so he sat there, waiting, and he felt terrible for ruining the weightless conversation they had. He needed to know though. Needed to make sure Chris wasn’t alone with whatever weighed down on him so badly.

"I... I just... I'm not sure if I want to portray this character anymore." Chris explained on an exhale, voice lowering down. His gaze dropped to his hands that he had wrapped around his beer so tightly his knuckles shone almost white from underneath the skin covering them.

Sebastian was heavily taken aback at that revelation and felt a lump form in his throat. He could not even begin to imagine shooting another film without Chris on set; much less wanted to.

They sat on the same sofa, their bodies turned towards each other, Chris' right leg bent and his foot tucked under his butt while the other one touched the floor. His leg was stretched in Sebastian's direction almost touching his right foot that was dangling from the sofa, merely reaching the floor.

Even though his hands rested between his right leg and body, Sebastian noticed how tightly Chris kept gripping the bottle before he grasped the meaning of what Chris had just said.

Without thinking he reached towards Chris' hands and loosened the fingers around the brown glass and took the bottle away from his friend to place it on the coffee table right next to them.

"What happened?" He asked, almost whispering.

"They..." Chris' voice broke and he looked away, at Jimmy Fallon talking about something that might become the next meme on the internet.

Sebastian moved a little closer and shifted his gaze to Chris' face, analyzing every change in expression. Chris swallowed heavily before turning his head back to face him. He was not sure if the light played a trick on him or his friend's eyes were actually wet, but he tensed at the prospect of Chris’ being close to tears.

The man meant what he said and it was not hard to guess his emotional state in that moment. In Sebastian's living room. On Sebastian's sofa.

"Chris," Sebastian urged in a hushed, but gentle tone of voice "what happened?"

Chris took a deep breath and then, as if he was in a rush, he came out with it.

"They made Captain America a villain. They took a beacon of hope, a character that has been the hero of several generations for the last 70 years and a symbol of standing up against injustice and fighting for what is right and made him part of something associated with Nazism. Steve Rogers has been Hydra all along!"

He almost shouted the last sentence and shocked silence followed. Sebastian could tell how surprised Chris was by the way his emotions took the better of him; he was usually very much in control of his verbalized thoughts. In fact, Sebastian had never heard Chris raise his voice for anything other than cheering and laughter. Outside a film set that is.

Sebastian tried to understand what he just heard and Chris had closed his eyes, his face displaying pain and disgust among other emotions. Silence filled the room and had become so heavy it was almost deafening when Chris finally broke it.

"I can't portray Steve Rogers any longer, Seb" his voice was that of a defeated person, his shoulders sagged, his head dropped and his hands empty.

When he looked up again he met Sebastian's warm gaze.

Chris lifted his head in surprise. Sebastian was smiling at him, his head resting in his left hand and his left elbow propped against the back of the sofa. His eyes were filled neither with happiness nor amusement.

There was just fondness in his smile and - honestly - who could really blame him?

They both had lost so much physical weight since their last film was called a wrap but Chris was still huge. This literal meatball sat on his sofa looking defeated and sad like a little boy. There was no way Sebastian could contain the fondness for Chris that softly pulled at his heartstrings right then.

"What is it?" Chris asked, visibly alienated by the other’s expression that did not match the situation.

Sebastian's smile grew even wider.

Chris looked confused now.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" He asked.

Sebastian lifted his head and sighed.

"You remind me so much of him right now." He said with a warmth in his voice Chris only ever heard a few times.

"Of whom?" He asked, his irritation growing.

"Of Steve, Chris. You remind me of Steve. Steve would not tolerate this and he would be heartbroken to see this happen and so are you." Sebastian leaned forward, possibly breaking Chris’ personal space, and looked straight into his bewildered blue eyes.

"Wait until people find out. They won't like that either and I am sure they will have to change it. You can fight against this and I will help you."

Chris' eyes lit up a little and Sebastian could have sworn he heard his heat shyly beat with hope.

"You think so? Do you think Marvel actually gives a fuck?"

"If they lose money over it they will give a fuck." Sebastian replied.

Chris huffed a laugh, possibly still a little bitter, maybe even slightly amused. "Can't argue with that logic."

Sebastian chuckled as well "See? Don’t you say there is no hope!"

Chris nodded in agreement but then froze for a split second.

"It just isn't fair!" He said louder now, leaving Sebastian startled by the sudden change of voice again.

"They take something with this amount of history and just fucking ignore the past decades! They think they can just take a character and change the very essence of it and get away with this." His voice lowered again and he sounded tired now. His head dropped again and his hands clenched around his right ankle.

"How many people grew up with Steve Rogers fighting for justice and how many found comfort in his journey and although I always loved Marvel they are seriously messing up right now and I am so fucking angry!" In a whisper he added "And I can't tell anybody."

Sebastian's hand left a warm imprint on Chris’ arm when he leaned in and lowered his blushing face to meet Chris’ eyes anew.

He whispered "You just told me."

-

Sebastian's phone rings but he ignores it biting through the slumber of his sleep.

It rings again. He turns around and pretends that he does not hear the buzzing noise. It stops ringing and Sebastian presses his eyes shut.

It rings again.

He moans  and reaches for the bedside table where his phone is moving around. Just before it trips over the edge he gets a hold of it and looks at the screen. A smile creeps over his face as he answers the call.

"Hello." His tongue is heavy from sleep.

"Have you seen this?!" Chris' voice shouts through the phone.

Sebastian holds the device a few inches away from his ear and winces. In any normal circumstance he’d be surprised how quickly his muddled brain is able to make a vague connection. Chris has not been ‘a normal circumstance’ in a very, very long time: The new Captain America issue is set to be published this week but it was not supposed to happen before Wednesday. If he is not mistaken so shortly after waking up, today is only Monday.

"Seen what?" He mumbles, trying hard to let the affection for this person outweigh him not being a morning person at all.

"Twitter!" Chris' voice booms like thunder.

"Chris," Sebastian sighs, "you just woke me up. I haven't checked any social media so far and you know that I don't have a twitter so why would I check that?"

"Oh, right." Chris' voice sobers immediately and if Sebastian were more coherent right now, he’d picture Chris coming up with about 12 different apologies in the back of his mind.

Silence.

"So what happened?" Sebastian asks. He is awake now, he might as well find out why he was woken up so rudely.

"Oh... Right... Okay... Um..."

Sebastian hears the sudden guilt in his friend's voice getting more audible but he knows well not to push. He waits patiently instead while Chris is mumbling on the other end of the line.

Chris sighs as if he was working up his courage and then blurts "The hashtag GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend is trending 3rd worldwide on Twitter!" If he listened closely, he could actually hear Chris be torn between feeling slightly silly and highly amused for bringing it up.

Sebastian snorts. That is not exactly what he expected but he did not know what he was anticipating to hear anyway.

"You down to portray that with me?" Chris adds and makes it easy for Sebastian to picture the playful eyebrow wiggle and flirtatious grin on Chris' face, his voice giving it away.

"Sure!" he shoots back, a chuckle skipping along with his words, and feels a light-headed warmth curl inside his stomach. "Why not. If Marvel has the guts to do that, I'm down for it."

"Ha! Great! I've been waiting for this since The First  Avenger!" Chris shouts in his typical boyish manner.

Sebastian puts Chris on speaker and sets the phone aside while he gets up and boots his laptop.

“I know I said that Steve’s interest was focused on Peggy but only because his Bucky was away. I mean who could blame him…?” Chris trails off and Sebastian notices how soft his voice goes around the vowels of the words ‘his Bucky’.

A sudden shift in Chris' voice lets him forget whatever he wanted to do and he grabs his phone and puts it back to his ear just in time for Chris to say "But they won't make that happen now that he is Hydra and, apparently, has been all along."

Chris goes back to sounding just as defeated as he had last time they spoke and Sebastian can feel something cold and cruel caging his heart in.

This man loves portraying Captain America on screen, a hero with a strong moral compass and a passion for people that compares to his actual personality. This man is heartbroken over the possibility that the character he brought to so many people all over the world and who presented a beacon of hope and rightfulness, that this character will be perceived as a villain and destroy all the good associations so many generations have with him.

So Sebastian gets up from his bed and walks over to the window. He puts Chris back on speaker and opens his messenger app where he quickly throws together a group chat containing Mackie, Renner, Johansson and Rudd. He types in two words and hits send.

"Avengers assemble!"

Meanwhile the sound of clattering and a muffled "fuck!" followed by a thud makes their way through the speakers.

"Chris?" Sebastian tries softly.

The clattering stops and he hears Chris shuffle back to to his phone.

"Basha?" Chris replies just as softly.

Sebastian feels his face blush. He loves being addressed with that name, especially when it's Chris whose mouth forms the endearment.

"I don't think the audience will accept Steve as Hydra. I don't think anything is lost."

A frustrated sigh pushing through the speaker is his only response for the break of a second..

"I know. But the mere thought that anybody thought this would make a good idea... I'm very angry."

Sebastian's phone buzzes against his ear to announce the income of a text message and keeps him from picturing Chris with furrowed eyebrows and his full lips curling into a stony frown; strong shoulder blades drawing together as the broadness of his back hunches over in - "You got time?" Chris interrupts his train of thoughts and Sebastian freezes momentarily. This - that spontaneity - was new.

"Um, sure?" There is a wavy roughness colouring his questioning answer, bordering on what almost sounded like a squeak. And that was new, too

"Good, you wanna come over?" Chris asks and if his ears aren’t playing tricks on him, he detects a hint of nervousness in his rich voice.

"I'm going mad if I don't find something to distract me." He scrambles to add and it’s not helping Sebastian to feel any less light-headed.

„I’ll be right there.“ Sebastian replies and Chris hangs up abruptly, leaving him with a heart threatening to beat straight through his ribcage.

-

An hour later, Sebastian reaches Chris’ door and knocks.

His hands are coated with cold sweat and although he doesn’t like admitting it to himself while he wipes them off on his dark jeans, he thinks he knows exactly why he’s in such a nervous state. Or maybe wearing the faux leather jacket over the black t-shirt at this time of year just wasn’t a good idea after all.

He is not even blinking properly before the door flies open and a he is pulled into a tight, bone-crushing hug that involves a lot more body contact than he’s able to manage in that instant.

“Thank you so much for coming over.” Chris says honestly, lips moving too close to his ear while his chin is molding into Sebastian’s collarbone and his cheek is briefly touching his jaw before he takes a step back to let Sebastian enter the apartment.

“For you, always.” Sebastian replies before he is able to stop the words from falling from his tongue.

His eyes widen as momentary horror grips onto him, but, to his relief, the comment apparently flew right over Chris’ head so he forces himself to relax.

Chris, followed by a surprisingly chipper mood, leads him to the living room, which makes up in coziness what it might be lacking in size.

Cheerful rays of sunlight flood the room and compliment the soft colour scheme of the tasteful but practical furniture. Sebastian loves Chris’ apartment despite not having been here very often.

They sit down on the sofa, facing each other like weeks before in Sebastian’s apartment, no TV disturbing the silence this time.

Sebastian looks at Chris who meets his gaze halfway. He looks tired and worn down, but he sure hides it well. Not well enough for Sebastian to not notice though.

He wipes his palms on his jeans once again and Chris is wringing his hands, subtly but enough that Sebastian notices.

His phone buzzes once, a text message. He ignores it and keeps eyeing his friend’s face, unsure of what he was looking for.

How long they sit there and simply look at each other, Sebastian with a sympathetic look on his face and Chris wordlessly pleading that Sebastian’s couldn’t see through his guard while hoping he could at the same time, neither of them knows.

Finally, Sebastian breaks the silence, possibly a little too jumpy to come off as organic.

“Let’s go out.” he emphasizes and leaps into a little cliché clap of his hands. “Have you eaten today?”

One look at Chris’ face is enough to know the answer.

“I don’t want to go out today.” Chris replies flatly, his voice monotonous and calm.

“I understand,” Sebastian gets up, but not without suppressing a worried sigh first “but you have to eat something. Do you mind me getting creative in the kitchen?”

A smile runs over Chris’ face - giving him back a piece of the boyish aura surrounding him in happy moments - and he gets up a little too quickly for his legs to catch up without struggling.

“Not at all! Can I watch?”

-

When Sebastian wakes up that morning it’s with a very clear awareness as to what day it is. It’s the day of HydraCap.

He groans in dread and turns around to check the time. It’s early but he knows that people have found out hours ago.

He groans again and opens a text message to Chris, blinking through the fainting crust gluing his eyes together stubbornly. Today he’s stronger than the temptation to go back to sleep.

“Good morning, how are we doing?” he types, unconsciously holding his breath while doing so.

He locks his phone after a second of staring at his screen and gets up to move himself towards his shower.

The hot water wakes him up and the steam helps clearing his thoughts.

He wants to be able to help Chris and he’s ridiculously saddened but also very moved by how much Chris reminds him of the very hero Marvel took from him. Steve Rogers would be heartbroken if his idol turned out to be a villain.

When Sebastian leaves the shower and lets his feet carry him back to his bedroom, a buzz announces an incoming text message. And then another and another.

The group chat.

Scarlett had replied first, then Mackie, later Renner and now, finally Rudd.

Paul’s text contained an apology for the late reply, explaining that he had lost his phone - stretching it into five separate messages. Classic Paul.

Sebastian laughs quietly and types a message to the group to tell them when and where to meet and what to bring. It is pure luck they still have their temporary apartments for postproduction needs in the same city, Sebastian thinks to himself.

He shuffles through the laundry in his wardrobe. Although he tries to maintain an order and keep his shirts folded, as soon as he is looking for a piece in particular, the whole thing turns into a mess.

He pulls a pair of jeans and a plain red shirt from the pile and puts them on.

His mattress dulls out another silent, excited buzz of his phone but this one does not stop after one signal. Someone is calling him.

He bites his lip instinctively and tries not to dwell too long on the fact that he immediately knows that it’s Chris.

“The secret is out.” Sebastian says, trying but failing horribly to let a tad of humor swing in his voice..

“What?” Chris asks, sounding genuinely puzzled. Apparently he had startled the other man.

“HydraCap.” he exclaims and even he can hear the hesitant question mark sneaking its way in after the single word. “People know now.” He’s genuinely puzzled that Chris is not angrily rambling through the line yet.

“Oh, yeah. I know, I tweeted a statement already.” If he didn’t know better, he’d say Chris was non-chalant about it. Secretly, he was listening to a clock in his head counting down to the gentle actor exploding with emotions.

“You did?” Sebastian puts Chris on speaker and opens the browser on his phone to check Chris’ twitter, not believing him just yet.

“Yeah, Twitter went wild on this revelation and “SayNoToHydraCap” is trending worldwide, they don’t seem to agree with what Spencer did there. I thought people might want to know what I think about this ‘twist’.” He raves and almost spits out the last word. Almost.

Although he clearly expected it, Sebastian is a little surprised at the vocal raise but cannot really blame him. Chris is a very kind soul and although he tends to be loud, he only does so when cheerful. Sebastian feels a flash of warmth crawl through his stomach and settle as a lump in his throat.

Chris’ tweet says “Hydra?!?!? #sayitaintso”

Sebastian is sure that this is what Chris was waiting to say all this time and he can hear Chris’ voice in his head saying the hashtag and sounding like a little boy with tears of disappointment pushing at the back of his eyes

.

He swallows, one time, two times and takes a deep breath to keep himself from hanging up and storming to Chris’ apartment to hug him tight and selfishly; to chase away this feeling of helplessness that keeps hunting him when he can’t be Chris’ shoulder to lean onto.

“Chris” he begins instead, making a point of pressing his feet into the floor, keeping himself grounded and put. “You wanna come over later? I have an idea that might be fun.”

Chris hesitates and he’s stalling by releasing a stretched humming sound, but ends up agreeing before he cuts off the line and Sebastian feels a strange kind of excitement grow in his stomach. It’s not news to him that Chris makes him feel things; it’s been a steady and comforting part of their friendship ever since they first got into chemistry reading together. But this is new and slightly overwhelming

He sends a message to the group chat and begins to clean the apartment, a welcomed distraction from that fuzzy feeling summersaulting through his belly every now and then.

At noon he heads to the shop around the corner to stock up on beer and vodka.

It takes longer than he thought because some people recognize him and he takes the time to take a picture with every single one of them even though he is not as up for it today as he usually would.

It is past 3 pm when he finally unlocks the door to his apartment, only to find Scarlett sitting on the countertop in the kitchen and eating from a huge bowl.  “Hi.” He deadpans and puts the beer in the fridge as if Scarlett did not just break into his apartment and decided to have a snack. She grins at him in greeting and continues munching on whatever she had poured into the bowl dish.

“You should find a better hiding place for your spare key, Stan. It took me only a minute to find it. The doorframe?” she asks, raising an eyebrow to emphasize, “Really?” He shrugs his shoulder in a weak attempt of defense. “It’s not like I really have someone to leave it with” he shoots back without giving it too much thought and is faced with Scarlett choking on a chunk and then gifting him with a wicked grin that reminds him an awful lot of Natasha. “Yet”, she murmurs and Sebastian pretends he didn’t hear her.

He looks at her holding up a beer, which she responds to with a nod and he hands her a bottle, taking another one for himself.

“So what is your plan?” Scarlett asks with a mouthful and spits tiny sprinkles of milk from her lips. She does not seem to mind.

“I thought about a fun night in with my friends and beer and maybe the Friends?” Sebastian leans against the counter next to where Scarlett is sitting.

“Sounds good,” she agrees and they sit in silence for a while.

Scarlett puts down the now empty bowl and grabs her beer.

“So why did you only message us on Monday and not earlier?” she asks in a casual tone.

Sebastian’s startled by her straight-forward approach but recovers quickly. Of course she knows. She always does. Scarlett is one of the smartest people he had the pleasure of meeting. It was foolish to ever consider her being in the dark about something as significant as this.

“Because it took me a while to think of this until then and I could not tell you everything because Chris was not supposed to tell me.” He replies in a hurry before he can stop himself.

“But he did tell you and I suppose he did not wait until last week to do so. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you knew almost as soon as he did, didn’t you?” she muses, teasing but serious. He hates how self-secure she sounds as she pushes for the information she wants to hear.

Sebastian does not even try to lie to her; instead he looks at the beer in his hands and shakes his head.

“He told me the same day. But only because we met anyway and he was very down so I tried to cheer him up a little. I hate seeing Chris upset.” He didn’t exactly intend to say all of this out loud, but Scarlett would have coaxed it out of him in any case.

Scarlett makes him spill more than he intends to reveal about himself and the things most personal to him every time they meet. In fact, Sebastian is convinced that she knows more about him than he ever will know about her, but what she shares and what not is entirely up to her, so he knows better than to ask more than is appropriate. He wouldn’t even contemplate it. She trusts him as much as he trusts her.

“Oh, the two of you are killing me!” she exclaims after trying to pull a straight face for approximately 0.4 seconds and throws one hand in the air theatrically.

“What are you talking about?” Sebastian asks with a voice a little too high in pitch, the false pretense lost as soon as it is attempted. He’s fooling absolutely no one with this sad approach to cluelessness.

“Oh come on!” she bellows kindly, throwing his bottle cap at him and missing by mere inches. ”The way you look at and how much you care for each other? I’m not stupid, Stan.” She closes her statement in a stern, but considerate tone and takes a sip from the beer. Just a blink later she hops from the counter, wraps her slim, but strong arms around Sebastian’s startled frame and squeezes him.

“I’m rooting for the two of you, individually and together. Don’t be afraid!” She takes a sure-footed step back, eyes fixed on his nervously flickering blue orbs and cups his face with her small hands. Sebastian loosens a good part of the tension that had caged him since he got up this morning and sighs, followed by a small laughter. He hadn’t realized how much he needed this hug until it was given to him.

“Thank you, Scar.” He whispers, lets his eyes fall shut for a second and nudges his cheek a little further into her warm, comforting touch.

“I’m here for you.” She promises honestly.

After they give each other a minute to communicate in silence, the doorbell rings and Mackie shouts from the other side of the door. “Cut the crap, Stan, open the fucking door or Renner and I have to break it down!”

Sebastian rolls his eyes, his heart filling with a familiar joy over the harsh, but friendly noise that is an inevitable part of Mackie, and leaves the kitchen to let his friends in. He can picture Scarlett smirking and shaking her head to herself even as his back is facing her.

Mackie and Renner apparently didn’t expect Sebastian to react to their demand so quickly. They are still leaning against the door and perform the old, stereotypical fall into the room as soon as Sebastian presses the handle down and pulls on it.  A loud cackle from the kitchen mixes with the booming laughter of Mackie and Renner; and Sebastian cannot stop a giggle as he returns with a shaking head to Scarlett in the kitchen.

While Mackie and Renner get back up and sorted, Sebastian turns back to Scarlett and asks her how she’s been since he’s seen her last.

“I’m good, Stan, thank you. I’m very glad the promo tour is over and people are not asking about my diet constantly. As soon as I got back home I put on my sweatpants grabbed some ice cream and didn’t leave the couch for two days straight. But I missed you guys so I am happy for your invitation, Sebastian.” She smiles at him with a genuine face and Sebastian is more than happy to have her over.  That is when Mackie and Renner storm the kitchen to grab a beer each and together they all move to the living room.

About an hour later the doorbell announces the arrival of another visitor and Paul enters when Sebastian opens the door. “I’m very sorry for being this late but I walked past your address three times.” Paul apologizes and hands Sebastian a six-pack root beer before walking straight into the living room to greet the other three.

Sebastian puts the cans in the fridge and follows Paul suit.

The conversation stops when he enters and Scarlett, Mackie, Renner and Paul are looking at him expectantly.

“What’s the matter, Sebastian?” Paul asks in his signature voice, calm and very American. “I was wondering why you invited us on such short notice in the middle of the week.”

“Yeah, sorry about that” Sebastian apologizes, scrunching his nose and scratching the back of his head in a bashful way “but I just haven’t thought of it earlier.”

He took a breath, preparing himself to share what he has witnessed Chris going through and, with it, pulling on the edges of the fresh wounds this has left, even on his remotely thick skin. 

“As you all have probably noticed, the latest Captain America issue was published today and Chris has dreaded this day since he read it a couple weeks ago. In this latest issue it was” - he uses air quotes - “’revealed’ that Captain America has been Hydra all along. Twitter went wild over it and got the hashtag “SayNoToHYDRACap” trending worldwide. This shows us that people all over the world are outraged by what Spencer created there. Chris is heartbroken and he told me that he doesn’t want to portray that character anymore.” He holds his words in for the break of a second, carefully watching all four of the faces in front of him. His frame relaxes a little as he sees all of them taking the situation seriously instead of taking the piss out of Chris and he keeps talking. “I decided to try and cheer him up. And that’s where you come into play.”

"What do you need?" Mackie takes a step closer on instinct and his eyes are full with concern. Sebastian’s belly fills with a comforting feeling of happiness. As rarely as Mackie managed to actually shut up and let others talk, he was a bloody good and extremely protective friend. Especially to Chris, who was just too good and pure for this world sometimes. "I've read the issue and it's shit! I'm very angry and I would love to kick Spencer's butt!"

Everyone nods in agreement, so Sebastian continues.

"We are Chris' friends and we have witnessed him growing with and beyond this character. He was so scared when he took on the role but he grew so much in the past five years and he deeply cares for the influence Captain America has on people. We witnessed him changing with Steve Rogers and we understand what this role means to him so I figured that we would be just right to offer him support right now. What do you think?"

Scarlett raises her voice over the others agreeing and nodding to what Sebastian had just explained. "Can we roast Nick Spencer somehow? It is not only about Chris being heartbroken but several people having lost their role model and hero after all."

"I'm with Jo on this one!" Renner exclaims louder than necessary. "Let's roast Spencer!"

"And Marvel!" Mackie adds.

"Let's roast the fuck out of them." Paul says and raises his beer for a toast. "To the biggest roast Marvel has ever experienced." Bottles clink and all of them take a sip, determined to turn their ambition into action.

While his guests discuss ideas on how to give the people responsible for what had happened an equivalent to hell, Sebastian excuses himself to search the quiet of his bedroom.

He sits on his bed and fishes his phone from his pocket. He’s once again met with the familiar excitement tied to talking to or being around Chris when he dials his number and has to swallow several times to keep the lump in his throat from choking him.

"Seb!" Chris answers the call without a trace of the bad mood he had been in earlier.

"Chris!" Sebastian replies with his voice sounding a hint too excited "you wanna come over? I got beer and vodka and I want to order in later."

"I'll be right there." And without another word, Chris hangs up.

Sebastian drops back on his bed, absentmindedly clutching his phone to his chest. He can’t remember the last time simply talking to someone has lifted his spirits likes this. There was never a need to discuss that Chris was much different than anyone else he ever met, but the last few months have really opened Sebastian’s eyes about how much that truly was 

He takes a few breaths before he gets up and joins his friends in the living room again.

Forty-five minutes later the doorbell rings a third time that day and Sebastian opens the door for Chris who is holding his hands behind his back in what looks like an excited body posture. Or maybe that’s Sebastian’s wishful thinking. But… maybe not..

Chris greets him with a goofy smile while scratching the back of his neck and granting Sebastian with a shy look.

"Hi" he says failing to cover the jiggly anxiety in his voice.

"Hi." Sebastian says and wraps Chris in a hug breathing in his unique scent. He closes his eyes and keeps them shut until both of them take a step back a split second later than they usually would.

"Come in" Sebastian invites him and closes the door behind Chris as quietly as possible with his hands being clammy and a bit shaky.

"Scarlett, Mackie, Renner and Paul are here as well. I hope that’s alright. They're in the living room. You want a beer? Water? Paul brought root beer." Oh god, he’s rambling.

He leads Chris into the kitchen and points at the fridge. "Take whatever you fancy." he suggests and he’s trying really, really hard not to make a fool of himself as he feels the tips of his ears fill with blood. His heart will never get used to having Chris around in such an organic setting without making itself noticeable.

"Thanks, man." Chris takes a root beer and closes the fridge, taking a look around the kitchen. Although he has been here a couple times now, he always notices something new. This time it was a picture taken at the "The Winter Soldier" set. He and Sebastian were in costume and laughing wholeheartedly over something he sadly can’t remember. Neither of them seems to notice the people around them smiling and looking at them.

"How are you, Seb?" Chris asks and catches Sebastian - who appears to be staring at him - completely off guard.

Sebastian blinks a few times too often and manages a rushed "I'm fine, thank you."  before he turns around to retrieve a pack of cookies from a cupboard to hide his ongoing blush.

He grabs a bowl and fills it with the cookies, feeling safe to turn around now that his hands have something to hold onto, and meets Chris' warm smile.

He offers him the bowl and Chris grabs the whole thing grinning at him with a mischievous look in his eyes. A second later he is running for the living room, filling the hallway with his loud cackling laughter.

Sebastian giggles into his hand and fights down the fond smile that is working its way on to his face and follows Chris into the living room shouting "You greedy vulture!"

"Heeeeeeeeeeey!!"

Four voices greet Chris when he practically stumbles into the living room and four pairs of arms wrap around him in a ridiculously endearing pile of bodies.

Sebastian leans against the doorframe and watches the scene. He makes a mental note to thank the four of them for dropping by today.

"So what is this?" Chris asks when everybody has greeted him and settled on the sofa, chairs and floor. Four heads turn and look at Sebastian who had taken the place next to Chris on the sofa, not without catching Scarlett looking at him with her eyebrows raised and a smug smile on her lips. He repeats his explanation from earlier, watching Chris' face darken at first just to immediately light up at the mention of the idea to roast Nick Spencer.

He throws back his head in laughter and Sebastian does not even try to avoid the left boob grab that hits him this time. Or the stupidly fond grimace pulling on his own cheekbones.

"Brilliant idea, I'm in!"

Mackie claps his hands together. "Let's all create new twitter accounts and get started!"

There is a shuffling when everyone takes out their phones.

The first to break the silence is Renner.

“But how should I call myself?”

Scarlett looks at him and replies in a sugar sweet voice "How about 'I'm a complete whore'?"

In the silence that follows, he looks at her in shock and terror.

Everyone turns to face Renner now. Waiting for a come-back but he just looks at Chris seeking for help "Hey, don't look at me like that Renner. I already chose 'complete whore'!"

Scarlett is the first to burst into laughter and the rest of them join until they are crying from laughter.

"Now that two people are settled," Paul is the first to regain his ability to speak "Scott Lang is taken, what should I chose?"

"I took 'Captain America's Boyfriend' so that's taken as well." Mackie says and grins at Sebastian who sticks out his tongue at him. The secrecy in Mackie’s eyes doesn’t go unnoticed and Sebastian is wondering whether he’s surprised about it or not.

"We can't all be references to ourselves or our marvel characters." Sebastian interferes.

"Why not?" Renner asks. "There are millions of twitter users and handles after all, so I don't think anybody would notice."

"Alright, alright." Chris says "let's all just settle with what we fancy and isn't taken yet. Yeah?"

"Alright," Scarlett breaks into a huge grin "I just noticed that 'Thor's Hammer' hasn't been claimed yet and I will go with that."

She leans back and looks at Paul.

"Rudd?"

"That's not fair" Paul whines "I was just about to hit enter on 'Thor's Hammer'. Look!"

He shows them his phone and he had indeed tried to claim that handle but failed.

"I go by 'Is Nick a Fury' now."

Again, everyone howls with laughter, Chris the loudest.

"Everyone got their account now?"

Mackie is the first to recover.

"No, wait, Seb hasn't told us his yet." Chris replies, voice and eyes eager to hear what Sebastian’s random brain has come up with.

Everyone looks at Sebastian.

He looks around. Looks at his phone. Looks at Chris and he’s not sure why he is doing it - maybe he just feels courageous with his friends around - but he grins as mischievous as Chris had earlier, wiggles his eyebrows and says.

"I'm 'Colin's guitar'."

Mackie snorts and beer drips from his nose, Scarlett claps her hands and exclaims a loud „Ha!“ while Renner and Paul try not to choke on their drinks.

Chris blushes and hides half of his face in his right hand, looking up at him between thick lashes and flashing pearly white teeth, while Seb is laughing the loudest. And in between the gasps for air nobody notices him exhale in relief or how he wants to flail over Chris’ adorable reaction.

They sit and laugh a couple minutes, bursting into a new wave of laugher every time they are about to calm down until everyone has streaks of tears rolling down their faces once again.

Sebastian gets up and makes his way to the kitchen, still heaving and trying to catch his breath while the others try to do the same back in the living room.

He produces a pitcher and mixes vodka and Dr. Pepper. It is time to get really fucking pissed, he decides.

When he comes back with cups and the vodka mix, Scarlett is lying on her stomach on the floor, her fingers flying over the screen and her cheeks reddened while she is laughing along to what she is typing.

Mackie sits in a chair, his legs thrown over one arm rest and Chris and Paul are giggling over something one of them just tweeted while Renner is munching on the cookies Chris had spared.

“I got us some liquids” Sebastian announces as he places the pitcher and cups on the floor between them. Who wants some strong Dr. Pepper?”

It is a rhetorical question and he hands each of his guests a cup before taking one himself.

Paul had returned to his place on the floor and is leaning against Mackie’s chair. He doesn’t seem to mind Mackie’s feet dangling against his neck every now and then.

“Hey Nick Spencer how does it feel like to have destroyed a character and his 75 years of history? #roastnickspencer” Renner reads his tweet out loud.

“I can’t think of something witty. How not me.” He adds and takes a sip from his cup “Whoa, Stan, what did you put into this besides Vodka?” he takes another sip “Nevermind. I love it!”

Sebastian looks up from his screen and grins at him. He likes this mix a lot. It’s sweet but also fresh while the Vodka makes sure you won’t drink too much too fast.

“I thought Cap’s death was the worst thing to happen to the comics. I was wrong. Nick Spencer is. #roastnickspencer”

Mackie reads aloud.

Chris smiles at Scarlett and reads “I've done some pretty offensive things in my life but I’ve never been proud of the backlash #roastnickspencer #saynotohydracap” and Scarlett smiles back approvingly, silently appreciating him pouring a bit of his very unique and respectful self into it.

As the light is fading outside the window, the laughter gets louder and the pitcher emptier.

When it is so dark that Sebastian has to turn on the lights, his plan has succeeded: everyone is sloshed and the typing merely readable.

“Nick Spencer is Hydra #roastnickspencer #nickspencerishydra” Scarlett mumbles into the carpet, blonde strands of hair clouding her vision

Sebastian sits down next to Chris, maybe a little closer than before judging by the intense body heat immediately spreading over his skin like goosebumps, and puts his arm behind him on the back rest. He’s silently thanking the odds for his friends being too plastered to make snarky comments about his less than subtle move.

“I can’t type properly anymore” Paul is the first to mention what they all are thinking.

Everyone laughs and Scarlett leaves the room only to come back a minute later.

Renner is about to fall asleep and Mackie is teasing Paul with his feet.

“Ow!” Mackie shouts and Renner is wide awake again. “Paul!”

Paul is giggling and Mackie holds his left foot softly kicking his right against Paul’s back.

“That hurt, Paul!” but he laughs.

Sebastian turns his head, his eyes getting heavy. He looks at his phone. Only 10pm, but sleep is creeping up his bones nevertheless.

It gets silent in the room and a few minutes later Renner is snoring and Chris is releasing soft, throaty sounds, his eyelids fluttering and the soles of his feet carefully pressing into Sebastian’s thigh.

Paul is playing Candy Crush on his phone and Mackie is throwing Cookie crumbs at Scarlett who is still typing on her phone.  Sebastian is about to let sleep take control when the doorbell rings. Everyone is wide awake and Scarlett jumps up and races for the door.

“I’m hungry” Chris mumbles, waking up from his very brief slumber and everyone agrees, suddenly much more vivid again. Chris blinks through a haze of his power nap and unconsciously reaches out to curl his fingers into the sleeve of Sebastian’s sweater. He’s painfully beautiful like this; an impending pillow print on his cheek, the leg of his jeans bunched up and caught on his strong calf and a large hand rubbing his belly to sooth a barely audible growling. Sebastian is staring at his fingers, cheek bones flaming up under his skin and he panics for a second. This is just Chris being sleepy and buzzed, he tells himself. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Hang on, I’ll get something to snack on”, Sebastian hurries to say, gently pulling his arm away and not waiting to see Chris’ reaction.

He is about to leave the room when a huge pile of pizza boxes with legs enters and blocks his way out.

“Pizza!” Scarlett screams and everyone is cheering, the sweet, but very awkward moment drowned in euphoria.

She gives out the pizza boxes and a few moments later a content silence fills the room only disturbed by munching noises - and Sebastian’s brain telling his heart to calm the fuck down.

Chris finishes his pizza first and falls back asleep on the sofa soon after, this time properly sprawled out across it.

Renner jokes about Chris having sleep-devoured his pizza and plants a wet kiss on his forehead before bidding his goodbyes soon after.

Paul remembers something he had forgotten to do and leaves ten minutes later, leaving Scarlett, Mackie and Sebastian with Chris peacefully knocked out on the sofa.

“I think he needed that.” Mackie says with a nod in Chris’ direction and a brotherly expression on his face.

“Yeah, it hit him pretty hard.” Sebastian agrees and blushes a little when he meets Scarlett’s eyes, although she doesn’t give him a solid reason to this time around. Her sole presence and knowledge is intimidating enough.

“I can’t believe Spencer thought it was a good idea to do this. I mean I know where he is coming from with the current politics and issues in the world, but Marvel should have approached the thing very differently. A proper discussion is impossible now and they completely lost on the messaging part.” Scarlett keeps her voice quiet to not wake their friend up and sounds a lot more sober now.

Sebastian and Mackie look at her in awe. Neither of them is used to being friends with a person like her. She is fun to be around and knows how to party but on the other hand she is very smart and grounded and knows how to appreciate the simple joys of life.

Mackie yawns and giggles “Can you imagine the meeting he suggested that? All i can think about is ‘we need something new for Captain America, something to fit the time. Anyone?’ and someone goes ‘they are asking to give Steve Rogers a boyfriend’ ‘Making him LGBT?! No way, that’s so uncalled for! Spencer?’ and Nick goes ‘Let’s make him Hydra’ and they all decided that this would be a good idea!”

“This is just all utter crap and I can’t believe it.” Sebastian replies.

“Yeah” Mackie agrees but his answer comes out a little slow and drawled. He seems to notice himself, though, and gets up from the armchair he sat on. He needs two attempts until he stands safely on his feet.

“That was my cue. Goodnight, guys.” He kisses Sebastian’s cheek and pats Scarlett’s shoulder and it perfectly reflects the amount of respect he pays Scarlett on a daily basis and the dynamic they all have with each other.

 “Goodnight Steve,” he ruffles Chris’ hair, not even watching his fingers while he does so. That’s how familiar he is with the younger actor. “I mean Chris.” he quickly adds and they can hear his giggle down the hallway until the door closes behind him.

Scarlett is sitting across from Sebastian on the floor and smiles at him reminding him a lot of her on-screen character, again.

“He really reminds me of Steve Rogers, sometimes” she says and looks at Chris with the sincerity of a life-long friend. Which, Sebastian remembers, she actually is to Chris.

Sebastian nods and looks at the broad, sleeping body, rising and falling in a calm pace Chris looks peaceful. Like a child with no worries or cares for the wrongs of the world.

A few moments later Scarlett aims to suppress a yawn rather badly.

“You can have the guest bedroom if you want, you know?” Sebastian offers but Scarlett shakes her head firmly.

“Don’t worry. I will call a taxi and leave the two of you alone.” She smirks. “You get some sleep and sober up and then you can call and thank me in the morning.”

“I can thank you now.” Sebastian shoots back. He has always been a little socially awkward and slow on getting hints.

“Thank you for dropping by, not only for Chris but for me. This has been a very fun night, Scar.”

Scarlett got up already and leans down to kiss Sebastian’s cheek “My pleasure, Sebastian.”

She gives him a warm smile and leaves as quietly as possible.

The apartment is almost empty now.

Sebastian begins to feel lonely like he sometimes does after hours of socializing.

Silence fills the room and rings loudly in his ears. He yawns and starts cleaning up a little so he does not have too much left to do in the morning. It’s comforting how attentive he is to not cause any unnecessarily loud sounds and he thinks he could get used to that. To not just look after himself anymore.

Soon after that he spreads a blanket over Chris, making sure he’s comfortable and tucked in properly and dims the light. On his way out of the room he stops and turns around. Chris looks untypically small, sleeping under this blanket on the sofa. Sebastian smiles to himself, lingering just a second longer, before he tears his eyes away and heads to bed. It has gotten late and he is tired.

-

When Sebastian wakes up that morning he is very grateful to have invested in the good vodka the night before. His head is feeling alright and all he needs to fully wake up is a shower. It works.

He is so used to living alone and the habits coming with it that he startles at the sound of clattering coming from his kitchen when he is leaving the bathroom. He sniffs curiously and follows the scent wavering from the open door.

"Good morning, Seb." Chris greets him cheerfully when Sebastian enters the kitchen.

He must have taken off his jumper after he had woken up and his shirt is hanging loose over his broad shoulders. His back is facing Sebastian while he is preparing something on the stove.

Sebastian's eyes travel down the muscles that play under his skin as he moves and end up on Chris jeans that sit tight around his thighs and arse.

"I hope you're up for pancakes, I wasn't really feeling the cold pizza leftovers this morning."

"Morning." Sebastian yawns a little belated, breaking out of his fascinated trance, eyes jerking away from their fixing point inhumanly fast. And he blushes… again.

 He pads a little closer, allowing his gaze to go back to Chris’ back-view.

"I went down to the shops and got some fresh blueberries for you, Scarlett told me she couldn't resist and ate yours yesterday."

Chris turns around holding a plate with pancakes and a bowl filled with fresh, round blueberries. Sebastian's eyes dart up to his face and his chest fills with so much affection that he feels like someone is blowing up a balloon between his ribs and his lungs.

"A little, um, ‘Thank you’ for last night." Chris adds and seems to get nervous all of a sudden. Blue orbs don’t seem to know whether to fall on Sebastian’s face or the furniture behind it. He seems twitchy, to be frank.

"Um" Sebastian clears his throat, trying to chase away whatever is making the air around them feel so incredibly thick "No need to thank me”, he says and is begging his brain to come up with something that actually sounds decent. “Everything for a friend in need." He feels heat creeping up his face and congratulates himself on voicing out the word ‘friend’ in a believable way.

Chris does not seem to notice either of those things occupying his thoughts. He carefully places the tray with the pancakes and the berries on the table that is placed on one side of the kitchen. Two sets of forks and knifes as well as plates are already waiting to be used. He even got maple syrup, and whipped cream from the shops.

Sebastian feels a sudden, almost violent rush of affection and the urge to hug Chris for at least a minute. He wants to tell him that he would do this every day and that there is no need to thank him, ever, because he would cross the ocean if Chris needed him.

Instead he says "Wow, Chris. You've outdone yourself. But you didn’t have to do this,, really." and pads over to the cupboard to try and hide his face in his grocery storage; trying to regain his composure.

"You want tea?" He asks and turns around to Chris who is already awaiting him with a brilliant smirk on his nearly perfect lips.

"Everything's already here. Just sit down and eat, Basha."

Basha.

Sebastian feels that well-known warmth curl in his stomach again but takes a seat.

Chris slides into the seat opposite of his and looks at him expectantly.

"Um," Sebastian looks over the breakfast table and smiles up at Chris, clenching and unclenching his fists in the hidden space underneath the table top. "this looks really good."

Chris’ facial colour turns into a lovely shade of red. He’s bad at dealing with this much attention when he expected it to be focused on something entirely else.

"I, uh, thank you." He smiles back and reaches for the plate with pancakes, almost knocking over the sugar dispenser in the process. Instead of taking some he slides it towards Sebastian.

"Take however much you want and eat, please." He sounds as nervous as Sebastian feels, so the younger man decides to show mercy and lead his attention away from Chris and towards the golden brown pancakes that are piled up on the plate in front of him. They look and smell like old memories and his first breakfast on American soil.

He goes full on out on the pancakes: whipped cream, maple syrup and blueberries.

Meanwhile Chris is eyeing him cautiously as if he fears to accidentally poison his friend with his surprise meal.

"Won't you eat as well?" Sebastian asks, knife and fork in hands and ready to start.

"Um," Chris hesitates, flickering eyes boring holes into the pancakes.

"You trying to poison me, Evans?" Sebastian teases, allowing his face to spread into a dimpled and crinkled smile, and pops a blueberry into his mouth. It is sweet and juicy and he cannot ever get enough of them.

"You got me!" Chris says and reaches for the pancakes "I totally tried that, but you're too fucking clever for my vicious plans to succeed, Stan." He attempts to pout but he’s too busy mirroring Sebastian’s joyful expression to pull it off.

His nervousness seems to have dissipated and Sebastian smiles and takes a bite. The pancakes are delicious and he has a rather hard time to not verbalize his thoughts in form of incoherent noises. Instead his eyes lock with the other pair across the table and he grins at Chris with his mouth full to find Chris returning the motion with his mouth equally stuffed.

Teasing Chris a little has always worked thus far.

For a few minutes the both of them are munching on the sweet breakfast in blissful silence and when Sebastian thinks it is safe to take a sip from his cup of tea without either burning his tongue or having Chris scold him for not being patient enough, he lifts his chin to see what Chris is doing.

Deep blue eyes meet his.

Has Chris been staring? No, Sebastian decides, he’s the only one staring far too much.

But Chris jerks his head away a little too fast like a little kid who got caught doing something forbidden.

"These are delicious." Sebastian praises to save the barely older one from going into his head and nods at the visibly shrunken pile of pancakes between them.

"Thank you." he hears in return and Chris sounds both relieved and bashful.

"I'm so glad you invited me over yesterday," Chris adds, words travelling on a sigh, and stretches his upper body against the back of his chair, his hands rest on either side of his plate. They rest there, curling naturally and palms turned upwards, and not for the first time, Sebastian notices the guitar caused callouses covering his fingertips that have spent hours playing the soundtrack of Chris’ life.

He yawns and squints at Sebastian, bringing him back into the then and now.

"My plans to spend the day were ... less bright to be quite honest. But spending the day with you guys… I am feeling so much better after seeing people’s reactions and you being willing to do these things for me."

Chris leans forward again, further into Sebastian’s personal space despite the piece of furniture separating them.

“I felt like giving it all up and breaking my contract. As if everything I worked for these past years was slipping through my hands. Captain America means so much to me and-” Sebastian felt a silent gasp slip through his constricting throat. Does he see tears in these rich blue eyes? “-it broke my heart seeing him being turned into the thing he hates the most. The disrespect towards Steve and especially Kirby and Simon. I was in a very bad mood and I am so thankful I could tell you and that you kept that secret.”

Sebastian considers his choices for a split of a moment; reasons with his brain and with his heart right after. But he cannot help it. There’s no sign of nerves, no sweating, no shaking, no chewing on the inside of his cheeks. It’s like he’s never been as sure of something as he is in that very moment. He leans over the table and takes Chris’ left into his right hand. He cannot hold it back any longer. Every fiber of his self is screaming at him in earnest. He has to tell him.

Chris eyes widen, pupils dilate in reaction, and a wave of tension rushes through his body, but it’s gone as soon as it came. He does not pull back and Sebastian slips his fingers further over his knuckles, squeezes lightly.

"I would do anything for you, Chris." He whispers and wishes he came prepared. There’s half a book written in his brain containing all the things he wants his to hear and know.

In a very strong reaction he did not expect, Chris pulls back, leaving his hand empty and jumps from his seat.

Sebastian startles filled with panic and terror and there’s an inner dialogue breaking out in his chore: Has he gone too far? He should not have said it! He should not have!

But the table quickly turns as Chris rounds the table, upright and tall and beautiful, and leans over Sebastian's shocked face who is looking up at his friend with a screaming fear in his eyes.

Chris crouches down and his eyes meet Sebastian's on one level "I'm sorry I didn't mean to startle you." He apologizes and his words are like balm on Sebastian’s bruised soul.

Sebastian's body let's go of the tension, but only to an extent. He still feels utterly scared of the consequences he will be facing for this.

"I.. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I... I'm an idiot."

Sebastian’s gaze is trained on his hands when he sees Chris covering them with his own and moving his face in Sebastian's field of vision.

Their eyes meet. And what he finds is security, safety, familiarity and an endless amount of affection.

"I feel the same, Sebastian." Chris whispers, honesty embracing each of his words like a melody. "I had no idea you did, I hoped you would but I never dared to dream someone like you would..."

His voice fades and Sebastian feels a smile creep onto his lips and working its way to his eyes.

 Chris’ features imitate his expression - or what Sebastian imagines it to look like - and crinkles appear at the corners of clear blue eyes.

Both of them break into a slightly disbelieving, wet laugh and Chris kisses Sebastian's knuckles with a joyful giggle on his lips.

"I like you, Basha. Like, I like like you. A lot."

Sebastian leans in, never breaking their eye contact and kisses Chris' nose.

He laughs whole-heartedly, the warmth in his stomach growing into heat and almost buzzing through his veins "I like like you too, Chris."

Chris leans in and rests his forehead against Sebastian's.

"Basha..." He whispers and he’s so close that Sebastian can feel him breathe the letters against his lightly parted lips before he’s being pulled to his feet.

Sebastian hooks his fingers through Chris' belt loops to steady both of them and pulls him closer before their lips meet for their very first, very fond kiss, meeting in the middle like clockwork.

Chris kisses him the way Sebastian’s heart has been craving for since way before he admitted it to himself. He cups his face with both of his large, warm hands and leaves loving pecks on Sebastian's forehead, his nose, his cheeks, his chin and returns to his lips.

Sebastian opens his mouth and melts into the kiss, a purr the only sound accompanying the slick noises their lips make when they meet over and over again. Chris kisses a smile onto his lips and he follows the expression of happiness in a heartbeat. 

Chris tastes like coffee and maple syrup, blueberries and promises.

Their kisses are almost desperate and they cling to each other like a drowning person to a log.

If it is seconds or minutes or decades they spend on kissing each other like that, they don't care.

With Chris right there, holding his face and kissing every inch of it Sebastian feels at home and he feels that Chris does too.

"I don't mean to ruin the moment but I could really use a shower and fresh clothes." Chris says after a while, touches their foreheads together again and chuckles nervously. "You can come over later if you like."

Sebastian feels the high of happiness sink and the heat in his stomach cool. He keeps his eyes closed and curls his hands around Chris’ wrists; whose hands are now resting firmly against the back of his neck.

"Um, okay. You can use my shower if you want, though. I should have some sweatpants and a shirt that will fit you."

He hopes he does not sound too desperate - he’s definitely back to being very insecure - but Chris gifts him with a soft smile, shaking his head in the process.

"Thank you, but I feel weird. I stressed your hospitality enough already." He loosens their contact slowly, but steadily, but not without running his fingers along Sebastian’s jaw, his thumb hovering over Sebastian’s significantly reddened lips

"You didn't, but I won't hold you back. Is this afternoon alright with you?" Sebastian asks hopefully and wills himself to recover from his disappointment.

He had hoped to spend a lazy day on the sofa with Chris, maybe a little kissing and talking about everything and nothing at all, but mostly just hanging out.

"Of course. Come by whenever." Chris says and picks up his jumper which he had thrown into a corner of the kitchen.

"I just really need to change clothes and get clean. I smell like an animal." He sounds sincere and Sebastian relaxes a bit.

“Let me just clean this up” Chris offers and takes a look around the kitchen but Sebastian holds him back by pressing a hand to his chest. Also to have an excuse to touch him again.

“Don’t worry. You did the cooking, I’ll do the cleaning.” he assures him, gaze fixed on the collar of his shirt as he fists the soft fabric very briefly before letting the other man go and taking a few steps away from him. 

He accompanies Chris to the door and holds it open for him to leave after he watches Chris put on his shoes.

But instead of leaving him behind like this Chris leans in and pulls him in on a long and deep kiss that ends up with his socked feet stepping on the tips of Chris’ trainers and his left hand curling around thick wood while the right one carefully touches the upper arm close to it.

"See you later?" he asks, his voice suddenly showing a hint of the anxiety that Sebastian is always so critically aware of.

"I'll be there. Promise." Sebastian reassures him and pecks him on his left cheek, Chris beard tickling his well-kissed lips.

Chris smiles at him then turns around and leaves. Sebastian leans in the doorframe watching Chris’ long legs as they are carrying him away from his door, his apartment, his heart. But not for long.

At the very end of the hallway Chris turns around and smiles one more time before entering the staircase.

Sebastian returns into his apartment and does not even bother to clean up the kitchen; he goes straight back to bed to take a nap until the afternoon. He tells himself it has nothing to do with time flying by faster in one’s sleep.

With the curtains closed and his eyes shut he still cannot fall asleep and all hope is lost when his phone buzzes on the bedside table.

A look at the screen tells him that Scarlett is calling and he chuckles to himself. He should have expected it.

"Good morning sunshine", she sings on the other end of the line and she clearly knows where she wants this conversation to head "How are we doing?"

"Scar." Sebastian sighs but cannot suppress a smile. It’s not like he doesn’t want to tell her, too.

"I'm great actually, how are you? Did you get home safely last night?"

"Of course I did, sweetheart. And I am fine, thanks for asking."

There is a pause that has Sebastian smirking to himself. He can practically see her bursting with curiosity. And then:

"Listen, I'm calling to ask you what happened last night and if it was a mistake to leave drunk Chris and drunk Sebastian alone."

Her voice carries concern through the line.

"Nothing happened, Scar. I would never ever do something when the other is drunk and passed out like that. You know that."

He is a little offended by Scarlett even mentioning that.

"I know, you were in a strange mood yesterday though. And so was Chris. I just wanted to make sure everything's alright between the two of you."

Sebastian forgives her instantly.

"Everything's alright. We kissed this morning, Scar." He lowers his voice as if someone might be listening; as if someone could overhear him sharing a secret with her.

"Ha!" her shout rings loudly in his ears and she sounds super eager. "Tell me everything."

"I.. He made breakfast and thanked me for what I did with inviting you and I just couldn't help it and then he told me he likes me ... I, um, I told him I liked him back and, um, we kinda kissed..."

"Kind of kissed." Scarlett repeats with a dry laugh. "You kinda kissed him. You two. Really."

Sebastian chuckles into his phone.

"Um yeah, I'm going over to his later." He just has to tell somebody. Share the joy that is filling him from the roots of his hair to the tips of his toes.

"Scarlett, I would like to tell him." He sounds young when he says it, utterly frightened but hopeful also.

Scarlett sighs, "I know. I think he knows already though. I think it's safe to say that he feels the same about you."

"Do you really think so?" His voice is full of doubt and fear. Chris likes him, that he said, but would he be able to feel much more than that? For him, Sebastian?

He feels a sting in his heart just thinking about Chris not feeling the same.

"I'm convinced of it." Scarlett reassures him. "I notice a lot, you know?"

Sebastian releases a nervous, breathless chuckle. If Scarlett says so, he thinks and despite his brain nagging him, he decides to trust her. She usually is right about these kinds of things.

"Thank you, Scar.", he almost whispers, his legs curling around his blanket in an attempt to seek comfort and right this moment he is extremely grateful to have found a friend in her.

They talk for another thirty minutes about everything and nothing until Scarlett has to go and hangs up. Not without adding a few reassuring words for Sebastian though.

Sebastian hangs up and decides to check his emails, missed calls and text messages that are piling up in his inboxes to pass the time. Anything that will serve as distraction.

Time flies by fast like this and suddenly it is two in the afternoon and he hops into the bathroom to shower a second time this day. Just to make sure.

Back in his bedroom he picks black jeans that hug his thighs and butt just right and puts on a light blue t-shirt. He is brushing his wet hair which to wash he randomly decided in the shower when his phone buzzes. A text message.

"See you soon?"

Chris asks.

Sebastian clutches his phone to his chest.

Chris is asking him if they would be seeing each other later. Chris is the one making sure their plans are intact. If someone would have told him a few years ago that they would be close enough to regularly hang out and Chris Evans caring enough to be the one seeking out the contact first, Sebastian would likely not have believed them.

But here they are. Meeting twice in one day. And they had kissed not even 3 hours ago.

He types in a "Can't wait!", fingers flying over the keys and locks his phone but remembers something, unlocks it and types a message into the group chat.

"Thank you guys for coming over yesterday. Chris needed that a lot. Me too, actually. You guys are amazing."

He locks his phone and drops on his bed. A sudden rush of excitement and happiness is sweeping over him.

He is going to see Chris in a few minutes.

He jumps back up, grabs his phone and slides it into the pocket of his jeans.

On his way to the door he remembers the kitchen and decides to clean up before leaving. He gets it done within five minutes - that’s a record - and seven minutes later he is locking his door.

Sebastian chose a black faux-leather jacket to put on since the weather is not exactly predictable these days, one arm in the jacket the other one pocketing his keys he makes his way for the staircase that Chris had taken a couple hours earlier. His apartment is only two storys up and a few seconds later he steps into the broad daylight, being greeted by the signature noises of the city.

He takes the Subway instead of a taxi. The day is too beautiful to not see people enjoying it as well, each in their own individual way.

The train is crowded and he is sandwiched between two massive men having a heated argument over his head. He does not mind and tips the musicians playing a sax and a trumpet in his car.

His mood is at peak.

Half an hour later Sebastian is standing in front of the building and staring up to the windows Chris' living room is hidden behind. He’s happy.

Even though it's seven stories up, he decides to take the stairs up to Chris.

Taking two steps at a time, excitement skipping in his huge steps, he reaches the right floor in no time and has to catch his breath for a few moments before continuing his way.

He is still breathing a little harsher when he knocks at Chris' door.

Chris opens with a huge dorky smile on his face and pulls Sebastian into a long hug. "Hi" Sebastian pants into Chris' ear but it is more the sound of air being pressed out of his lungs than an actual word.

"I'm so sorry." Chris chuckles and he probably isn’t sure what for "Hi yourself" he beams at Sebastian.

They stand in the doorway just staring at each other smiling like two school boys and they’re both very aware of the silent words between them. So many things that are still to be said in the future.

After a while, none of them can say how long, Chris breaks the silence and steps aside.

"Please, come in. Make yourself at home." And for the second time that week, Sebastian enters Chris' living room.

The TV is on and Sebastian drops down on the sofa. "Gilmore Girls?" Sebastian raises an eyebrow. Chris blushes a little and scratches the back of his neck.

"Yeah, I kinda like that show a lot. It's like comfort food on TV."

"Hey, I'm not judging" Sebastian raises his hands in front of his chest, his open hands facing Chris "I like that show, I just rarely meet someone who does too."

Chris laughs his nervousness off.

"Alright. Wanna drink something?"

"Yes please!" Sebastian says a little too loud and blushes over the pitch of his own voice.

"Alright, alright. I'll be right back." Chris chuckles and leaves the room.

Sebastian watches Lorelai losing it over Rory hurting her wrist and Jesse disappearing without a trace. Luke has just found Jesse yet when Chris enters the room with two glasses filled with water in his hands.  Lemon slices floating on the surface.

"I always liked Jesse." Sebastian says randomly. "Thank you" he accepts a glass from Chris.

Chris sits down next to him and takes a sip from his own drink and pretends as if he’s accidentally pressing his thigh into Sebastian’s own one. "Yeah, me too. He is underappreciated." Chris agrees and leans back.

They watch the rest of the episode in silence and when the credits roll Sebastian turns to face Chris, ambition and a hint of mischief written on his face.

"Soooo" he smirks deviously, "wanna kiss?"

Chris almost barks out his laughter and hides behind his right hand as he always does when embarrassed.

He recovers quickly though.

"Sure" he turns to face Sebastian and pads his lap.

"Come here..." he drawls invitingly and uses his best bedroom voice.

Sebastian giggles in amusement but crawls into Chris' lap bending his legs to rest them on either side of Chris' thighs and wraps his arms around his neck.

Both of them chuckle while Sebastian leans down and engages Chris’ lips in a soft, but eager kiss.

Chris reaches up and supports Sebastian's back with both hands.

Sebastian let’s  his hands wander over Chris shoulders and up to his cheeks where he cups them gently to draw Chris' face a little closer.

They deepen the kiss, Chris tilting his head back a little further and Sebastian rolling his jaw in a practiced and sensual motion.

Chris moans into Sebastian's ever-moving mouth and Sebastian grinds down on his lap replying with a slightly helpless groan himself.

Chris slides his hands down Sebastian's back, cups his ass with both hands and gets up.

A surprised squeal escapes Sebastian's mouth but Chris gently puts him on the sofa and climbs on his body.

Sebastian's hands slide down Chris' back and slip under his shirt, fingers digging pleas into his skin. Chris supports his weight with his left arm between Sebastian's body and the sofa's back rest while his left hand is working its way up Sebastian's chest, varying between fleeting and carefully pressing into hard spots where he suspects them.

Their kisses, at first desperate, grow calmer and more languid by the minute, but never lose depth.

Sebastian grabs the bottom of Chris shirt, failing to get a firm hold on it a couple times with his hands being a little clammy and unsteady, and yanks it up.

Chris kneels with his legs on either side of Sebastian's body and interrupts their kissing to let Sebastian pull his shirt over his head.

They continue kissing and Chris works his way further up Sebastian's chest.

He moves on from kissing his lips to tracing the line of Sebastian's jaw with his tongue.

Sebastian's body arches backwards and he reveals his throat to Chris' caressing lips.

He moans when Chris gently bites the curve where his neck fades into his shoulder just over the collarbone and Chris smiles into the kiss he places on the almost invisible bruise that is decorating his neck already.

Sebastian hooks his left leg around Chris' right thigh and slides leftwards while switching on top of Chris who makes a surprised sound which Sebastian silences with a deep kiss.

Sebastian trails kisses down Chris' chest now and his hands rest against Chris' hips, fitting against the carved out, prominent muscles like they were meant to be there and nowhere else.

Meanwhile, Chris is stroking Sebastian's hair with his right hand while his left arm is resting against his own forehead, his eyes closed and his mind paying attention to every sensation Sebastian levels on his body.

So Sebastian kisses every inch of Chris' chest over and over again, Gilmore Girls playing episode after episode unnoticed.

After an eternity which felt like seconds to Sebastian, he crawls back up and kisses Chris once more on the mouth, their lips part and Sebastian tastes sweet heat and traces of lemon.

They break apart contently and they smile at each other with sleepy eyes.

“I like like you” Sebastian whispers, repeating Chris’ words from earlier but with a much deeper meaning this time around.

“I like like you, too” Chris whispers back. He understands. And he agrees.

Sebastian moves down a little and rests his head on Chris' chest while both are breathing into the silence of the room, only disturbed by the Gilmore Girls theme. Chris wraps his arms around Sebastian's back and smiles into his hair.

A few minutes later both are fast asleep, safe, secure and content in each other’s arms,  while the adventures of Rory and Lorelei Gilmore continue in the background.