Chapter Text
All Till could think of was the fact that he was about to die. He was only aware of three things: his neck hurt, he smelled smoke, and it was hot. That had to mean he was dying, right? What else? He briefly thought of his mother. He didn’t know why, really. Maybe it was because she was the first thing he saw in his life? Did that mean she had to be the last, too? Really, he didn’t remember much about her at all. She probably wouldn’t have wanted him to die so young, though. Well, not that it mattered much anyway, on a planet where humans were only entertainment. Till couldn’t even bring himself to wish that his mother was doing well; he was just too tired for anything anymore. He couldn’t think back to the events of Alien Stage even if he tried. Everything was so… far away. There was only one sentence he could think of clearly.
I wish I was never born.
—
Once, way back in the day, Ivan had snuck a book into the garden and read it with Till and a few other kids. It was about someone who made a wish as he was dying, and the universe granted it and sent him back in time to live his life the right way. Till had hoped and hoped that some day he would be granted the chance to live life differently, away from the segyein’s constant surveillance. Away from that damn collar around his neck. The universe was not very kind to him, though. After all, wasn’t dying the closest you could get to never being born?
Till sat straight up in the fake grass he had been apparently laying in. Anakt Garden. He was back in Anakt Garden somehow. He had to be younger, based on how tall the fake trees looked and how relatively uncalloused his hands were, but he didn’t have a great guess for what his actual age was. He thought of finding his guitar to see how big it was relative to him, but that made a wave of nausea rush over him, as he remembered the guitar solos he played right up to his death, the numbness that had started to take over him, the desperation to make it through, even though nothing was waiting for him–
Till swallowed down the bile rising in his throat. Okay. Maybe holding a guitar wouldn’t be the best thing for him right now. Well, he should be able to figure it out easily enough by talking to someone, right?
“Till!”
Was the universe planning on reading his mind the entire time? Jeez. Till turned around to face the voice, but froze as he saw the person’s face.
Red pupils looked straight at him, the same way they did in the rain only a few hours ago, but with life behind them this time. The look of desperation in them was still there, though– had Ivan always looked this intense as a kid?
“I– Iv– Iv–”
The boy chuckled. “Why are you stuttering with my name? I’m not Mizi.”
Till nearly vomited at that. How could he just bring her up like that? The rational part of Till’s mind knew that it wasn’t fair to get mad at the kid for that, but Till had never been known to be rational.
“Don’t say that! You– I–” Till’s lip started quivering, and despite it probably being a normal reaction to seeing one's dead best friend again after going back in time a few years, one of Till’s childish thoughts was this is so embarrassing.
Ivan noticed his panic, and walked closer, concern showing on his face. “Till? What’s going on?”
Tears were streaming down Till’s face now, and he was unable to say a single word. How could he, really? Ivan had just died. Till had just died. His last memory was the feeling of Mizi’s arms holding him while the stage around him burned. What the hell was he supposed to think? Feel? Say?
Till’s knees gave out. Ivan rushed over to him.
“Till. What happened.”
Till was still mentally present enough to shake his head in response, but breathing normally was getting harder.
“Do you want me to leave?”
Till shook his head even faster, hyperventilating now.
If he leaves me again, I might die for real.
Ivan reached out to touch Till, but Till smacked his hand away. After their last physical contact, he just couldn’t do it.
Ivan didn’t stop, though. He took Till’s arms and pushed them until he was fully on the ground, staring intensely into Till’s eyes. He didn’t have that smile on his face that Till recalled him having when they fought as children. No– he looked serious. Worried, even.
“Breathe.”
Till gasped shallowly for a few more moments before rationality crept back to him and he started taking deeper breaths. Ivan still didn’t let up his grip on Till’s arms.
“I wonder what had you so worked up. Did Mizi say something to you, or something?”
Hearing her name come out of his mouth again made Till grimace.
“No,” he rasped out. His voice was higher than he was used to it being; it only added to the strangeness of everything.
Ivan’s face was that of a child, but it kept blending with the mental image of Ivan’s final smile, blood dripping out of his mouth. Till was dizzy.
“Why did you do that?” he asked quietly.
Ivan stared for a moment before answering. “You were going to hurt yourself.”
“Not like you’ve cared about that before.”
Ivan stared on intensely, pupils still shining red, expression still unreadable. His hands were still holding Till’s arms down. Ivan was larger than Till now; Till noted somewhere in the back of his mind that they must be teenagers at this point.
Really, Till’s question hadn’t been about what just happened. It wasn’t even about anything specific, really. Why did Ivan sacrifice himself? Why did he put his mouth on Till’s so desperately? Why did he die with a smile? Why didn’t he tell Till anything? Why did he do that?
Hadn’t he been scared to die? All of them must have been. Even though Sua smiled up until the end of her round, she must have been terrified. So then… Why…?
Till looked into Ivan’s eyes. He’d always had trouble trying to figure out what that guy was thinking. Seriously, he was a walking mystery. He’d say shit purely to get on Till’s nerves, and act goofily towards him despite the constant reminder of their impending death show lingering around them. But looking at his expression now, Till could see it a little clearer.
“Were you scared?”
Ivan raised his eyebrows. “Huh?”
Till just looked at him straight on.
Ivan gave a clearly forced smile. “Well, I didn’t want you killing yourself over here–”
“That’s… not what I meant."
Ivan narrowed his eyes.
“Forget it,” Till said quietly. This kid had no idea what would happen to him. He didn’t need to hear this kind of stuff.
Ivan still stared at him scrutinizingly and tilted his head a bit to the side. “You’re acting differently today.”
Till wanted to laugh. “Yeah. I must be.”
He didn’t bother asking Ivan to get off of him. He wasn’t even sure that he wanted him to, anyway.
“You didn’t want me to leave,” Ivan noted quietly, still making direct eye contact.
“Yeah,” Till breathed. “Still don’t.”
Ivan just hummed and stood up, releasing Till’s arms and holding out a hand so Till could join him on his feet. As soon as Till was standing, though, Ivan tried throwing a punch at him.
Till caught it. Ivan was still stronger than him, so Till stumbled back a bit, but otherwise he didn’t flinch.
“Stop that. Please.” His voice was almost a whisper. God, he was so, so tired.
Ivan looked surprised, pulling his hand back. “Not fighting back?”
Till shook his head. “Just be normal.”
Ivan laughed. “You say that, but you’re acting less normal than me.”
Noticing Till’s lack of reaction, he stopped laughing. “Seriously, what happened?”
“I…” There was no way Till was going to tell him the truth; he’d sound crazy. “I had a dream. That you… died. After competing against me.”
Ivan’s eyes widened, but he said nothing. What was going on in his head?
“It’s… whatever. Is meal time already over? I was napping.”
Ivan cocked his head. “You already ate yours. About an hour ago.”
Oh. Shit.
“Till, we…” Ivan drew in a breath. “may have had the same dream.”
What?
“It was raining, wasn’t it? And we were older.”
Till couldn’t move.
Ivan let out a mirthless laugh. “So that’s why you were acting like that. I take it you didn’t win the last round? Or did you pull another stunt to get beaten again?”
“I– I–” Till’s brain stopped working. Was this Ivan… really the same one that…?
“Well, that doesn’t matter now, I suppose. We can do it again; I don’t mind.”
Till lunged at him, gripping his shoulders.
“Why did you do that?” he demanded, raising his voice. “Why did you–”
Ivan’s eyebrows were raised and his dark eyes were blown wide. What the fuck did he look so surprised for? He thought he could just pull that during their round, meet again in another life, and just brush over all that?
“You could have just let me lose. Why…” Till’s grip on Ivan’s shoulders loosened a bit.
“Why?”
“Yeah. Why.”
“Well… why not? Why would I be the one to live?”
Tears were pricking Till’s eyes again. “You didn’t have to do it like… like that.”
Ivan gave a rueful smile. “You hated my kiss that much?”
“Why did you do it?”
The man kept smiling. “Why do you think?”
“You just wanted to fuck with me? Is that it? You wanted to throw me off?”
Ivan furrowed his brows at that. “You shouldn’t have been that affected by it.”
“Huh? Are you fucking serious? You dying would have been bad enough, but–”
Ivan looked even more surprised. What the hell was wrong with him? Was this seriously the same guy?
Till sighed. “I never know what you’re thinking. You just… forced all that on me right at the end. I still don’t even know what it meant.”
Ivan was silent for a moment, before replying quietly.
“You asked me if I was scared.”
Till nodded slowly.
“Well, I suppose I was. But now…” He looked up, seemingly thinking of what to say. “As long as you’re alright, I don’t fear my own death anymore. It wasn’t that bad, really. I’d do it again.”
What the fuck? “You’re not making any sense.”
“No?”
“Not at all. Don’t you hear yourself? How could I be more important than–”
“You always have been.”
“You’re talking nonsense.”
It was Ivan’s turn to grip Till’s shoulders. “No, I’m not. Alien Stage can only have one winner, and it should be you. If no one else can make it out alive, then–”
“No! Mizi–”
“Ah, there you go. Bringing up Mizi–”
“No. Let me talk. Mizi–” Till cut himself off, looking around. “They might be listening.”
Ivan shook his head, pointing at something on the ground– a crushed bunch of flowers.
“They’re cameras,” he explained. “No one can hear us right now.”
Wait. Was that why Ivan had always… How much had he been keeping from Till?
“Well,” Till started again, “Mizi got out.”
Ivan nodded. “I know that. She wouldn’t have been ‘missing’ if she was still in the facility.”
“Yeah, and she found her way back. To try and save me. There’s a way to get out while the show is still–”
“Let me stop you right there, Till. We both watched Round Five. In case you forgot, rogue humans broke in and took Mizi; she didn’t leave on her own. Are you suggesting we wait for them to just come pick us up? And if you’re here with me now, I’m assuming Mizi didn’t succeed in saving you.”
Till’s face fell. “Well–”
“Seriously, Till. And you say I’m the one talking nonsense. After we almost escaped that first time, that path was blocked off. There’s no way the segyein let another escape route go unnoticed after that. And I got a serious scolding for leaving, by the way.”
Shit. Till was overcome with guilt again for not going with him all that time ago.
“We’re definitely older than that now, right? So we can’t try again.” Till replied quietly.
Ivan nodded.
“You could have just left without me.”
“Then how would I live?”
Till frowned. “You keep saying things like that. I don’t get it. It’s like you…”
Ivan smiled devilishly. “Like I…? Complete your sentences, Till.”
“Like you care about me or something. Like you… love me. I don’t get it.”
Ivan sighed. “I’m sorry. I know those feelings must be a burden to you–”
“Those feelings? So it’s– You actually–”
Ivan chuckled. “I didn’t want to push all that on you, really. I was selfish, I suppose. I took some for myself before I died.”
Till’s bottom lip shook for the second time that day. “I don’t understand.”
“That’s alright. You can ignore it, if you’d like.” Ivan took his hands off of Till and stepped away, but Till grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him back.
“No. Why would I ignore that?”
“Well, why would you want to do anything about it?”
“Because I– Are you serious? You’re my best friend. Why would I just leave you like that? Dealing with all that alone? Stop making decisions for me!”
Tears were pouring down his face again.
“If you had just told me before… I would have been okay. We could have… I don’t know. But–”
“Till.”
Till looked up to meet Ivan’s eyes again, and they were shining.
Till just shoved him pathetically. “You never told me anything. You couldn’t have known what I would think. Don’t make those assumptions.”
“Are you saying you love me?”
“No– I… I don’t know.” he answered honestly. “But… don’t do all that again. We can try to find a way to leave. We can save Mizi and everyone else, too. We can–”
“We can’t, Till.”
Till furrowed his brows in frustration. “Stop saying that! We’re back from the dead, for fuck’s sake. We can do things differently. Anything would be better than both of us dying, right?”
“Not anything.”
“Well–”
“I can’t live without you, Till.”
Till choked out a sob. “You can’t say that shit if you don’t mean it. Don’t you get how that affects people?”
“I do mean it.” Ivan put a hand on Till’s cheek. “I didn’t want to burden you.”
That somehow just made Till angrier. “Your love wouldn’t have been a burden, Ivan. Fighting me all the time was a burden. Stealing from me and bullying me was a burden. Kissing me wouldn’t have– if you had just told me before.”
Till remembered his last thought before dying and waking up again. Really, he had never been suicidal; quite the opposite, in fact. He had always been desperate to live, right up to the end. When he lost, though, it became clear to him that his life didn’t end up amounting to anything; all he did was hold people back. Ivan wasted his life on Till, and he couldn’t even help Mizi at all.
“I kind of get it, though.” Till admitted. “When I died, I…” He took a breath. “I wished I never lived. It was like I let down everyone that helped me, everyone that died before me.” He looked Ivan dead in the eye. “I felt like I wasted your sacrifice. Like it should have just been me in the first place.”
Ivan’s eyes widened. “No–”
“I know. So I don’t want to hear that coming from you either. We can try again, and… I don’t know. If we can’t leave, then… we can figure it out. But don’t do something like that again. I don’t think I could handle it.”
Ivan just stood there for a few seconds, hand still on Till’s face, wiping his tears away.
“Alright,” he finally said. “The same goes for you, then. Deal?”
Till nodded.
Ivan nodded back. “Good.”