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It had been fairly uneventful recently in Slippenglide, sure, it was still a couple of months since Reclusa had been vanquished, and the Extension Corps had been able to have a new life, away from villainy, but things could still get very quiet, and a little bit lonely.
Well, no, lonely wasn't the way Ten would put it, too sad and pathetic sounding, he wasn't lonely, he was just alone. Ecks and Shun were there, but asleep, so it was just him, and his thoughts.
Which was usually never a good match.
Although, aside from his usual compulsive anger and ideas that came out of nowhere, a new subject had taken over Ten's headspace recently. The evidence of the Extension Corps' bond.
It all happened so fast, Ten had learnt about bond power on his own long ago, when he was asked about it by those heroes, he didn't even know if they could even have a bond, but he knew he needed to try it out for better or worse. And yet... It happened, the sparkling evidence that there was some meaning between Ten's partnership with those two, and all he could do was pose.
Now, he laid there, staring at the ceiling. It was weirdly sweet, despite how many times he got annoyed by Ecks or confused by Shun over the years, no matter how many times his emotions would boil over and spiral and think horrible, isolating things, they all still had a bond.
They still had a bond... Ten lingered on that thought for a while, just him and his partners against the world... Childhood friends, best friends, colleagues, maybe even...
Eugh, he was doing it again. He didn't know how to feel about these feelings too, they had been coming up way more often. Sickly sweet thoughts that had Ten never wanting to leave Ecks and Shun, the hope they could be something more, even if it wasn't discussed verbally, the hope that something could... But he always ended up mentally chastising himself, or those two for it in the end.
It was ironic, he had called his Lab the Nest of love for the future, but his relationship with love was... Complex to say the least. He felt like in theory, he could get into many flings if he wasn't so isolated, but then again... No one was at his level of course, if they weren't looking up to him, and they had any chance of judging him, what was the point?
Ecks and Shun were a bit different however, they had known each other for so long, they could be comfortable with each other's company, most of the time, sometimes, he hoped.
Ten's head felt a little cloudy. What about the times where they didn't get along? He couldn't deny it, sure, quarrels were normal, but Ten's brain was a bit odd, it couldn't seem to accept a lot of things, or conflicts, and it reacted when it couldn't, badly.
It was nearly like clockwork when they were all on Minmin islet. Ecks had simply told on Ten's failure to get himself out of trouble, he wasn't even wrong. That didn't stop all those thoughts and feelings coming into Ten's head, unwanted feelings, cruel things thrown towards Ecks for throwing him under the bus, anger, hurt, so much hate, only for that to change when Ten had pointed his gun at him.
He wasn't actually going to shoot him, Ten told himself. He was just... Upset, and he hated it when he was upset, or when others were upset, he needed to shut something up, preferably his thoughts. Painful clarity hit him when he pulled a wire, those thoughts flipped on their heads, now he was berating himself compulsively, he was so horrible, awful for thinking such things about someone who had stayed by his side. He deserved this, he deserved the pain, horrible repulsive cable.
It wasn't the first time his brain had spiralled like that, and it wasn't the last. He couldn't even remember when it started.
Ten didn't know why he had begun thinking of that time in the first place, was his brain trying to find excuses of why he'd be an awful lover? If so, it was succeeding. He rubbed his plug-padour, he knew he was cruel and calculating, but he didn't like these mental interjections if they were going to make him loathe his own partners and himself.
Ugh, even being tired of his thoughts was making Ten tired, he just wanted to know if he could feel love or not. One thing was for sure, he knew he wouldn't be able to manage without them, even when the feelings did want to make him walk out on them, he was never fully convinced.
It was strange, it was like the more he cared about people, the more emotional he could be because of them, either hating them and liking himself, or liking them or hating himself. Whatever this love thing was, he couldn't stop it from splitting in two.
The feelings this, the brain that, maybe you're just a bad person, an actual bad person. Ten thought for a second, he sighed again, not really knowing how to feel.
Ten knew he was evil, but he couldn't have been evil evil, if he really did hate those two, or himself, he would have done something ages ago. The one thing he did hate was whatever was putting these thoughts into him, whatever made it so he could only feel numb when others were upset, and whatever was preventing him from getting up right now.
He just... He just wanted to be able to fall in love without this part of him ruining it. He wanted to be able to laugh with them when they made a mistake, to be able to make them feel better when they needed it, anything but endless spiralling and switch ups. If Ecks and Shun found out about all these things he were feeling, they'd...
Ten didn't want to finish that thought, he hoped they'd understand and still like him, they needed to, he was meant to be smarter than them, they had to have some respect! Just thinking of them walking out on him due to his mistakes put a pit of dread in him, great, now he felt all hypocritical.
He lifted his head a little, barely able to see Ecks' tab from across the Lab while he slept. Out of pure curiousity, he tried to picture how he'd feel pressed against him if they both slept, that got a sigh out of him. Yearning over people that were right near him... How pathetic, there was probably a reason why they slept all that way away from him, they probably were tired of him, and never even cared about-
Nope. Thoughts spiralling out of control again. Ten could've hit his head, but there wasn't any point, he couldn't keep his thoughts calm about them even when they were sleeping. Was this all he could feel about love? The dread came back, but he just eased into it like always.
He was meant to have gotten up so much earlier, he was sure of it, but now he just didn't want to move. He always got tired after his thoughts got like this, he should have been used to it, but he only seemed to crave rest recently, anything to make the thoughts stop.
You idiot, are you just going to rot? That won't help your image.
All you do is embarrass yourself nowadays, that's why you can't get any attention.
You get so angry, and you don't know why you're like this? You're not even good at being messed up.
You can't escape this, even if they love you, you will never be able to feel it.
Maybe they're the problem after all.
Because of COURSE you can't accept the blame for anything, can you?.
Horrible....
Repulsive.....
Those thoughts continued to run through Ten's mind, but he couldn't pay them much mind, he just felt numb now. Numb and tired of spiralling, tired of hating himself for it, tired of them, tired of being in love.
But still, he wanted to be able to love them.
Someday, he hoped, these thoughts would go away, maybe on their own, and he could give into these feelings he had for them. He could finally be someone they deserved.
He just needed to be better, Ten believed, better than he already was, even if he didn't understand what was wrong with his brain.
And if he was always going to be bludgeoned with cruel thoughts he didn't want... He wondered why Ecks and Shun had stuck with him again.
Luckily, Ten's thoughts started to slow down, he just had to sleep in a little longer to get a clean state, and then he could prove he wasn't going to be messed up forever.
He wasn't... Messed up...
Regardless, they still had a bond.