Work Text:
B,
Hi. Don’t really know why I’m writing this. I guess we didn’t really have the best meeting last time. Well, that’s an understatement. I don’t even think I’ll send this. So I just wasted a shit ton of money to get paper and pens and shit for a letter I won’t even send. I mean, even if I sent it, would you read it?
Anyway, why am I writing this? I guess I wanted to say I’m sorry. And that I know that means nothing and I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. But I’m sorry about everything and though it probably won’t work for you, I’m here now to try and make things right. Accountability and all that shit.
Sometimes I wonder whether this is the right choice. Because I could probably do more good outside, you know, keeping people alive and fighting the good fight like you do. But I don’t think I’m there yet. I just don’t trust myself I guess. And until I trust myself I’m a liability. So I’m in here.
But you know all of this, but I’m not really sure where I’m going here. Maybe I want to tell you that I wish I could take it back. I wish I hadn’t done all that shit. I had my reasons but I don’t think you want to hear them. And I don’t want to make empty excuses cause that’s not why I’m here. I did that shit and I’ve accepted that I can’t take it back. But out of everyone, you deserve an apology because I know I kinda fucked up your life.
And maybe you don’t want to hear it, but you’re so fucking lucky. I always resented that a bit I think, and that’s kinda why I acted the way I did. But your boyfriend loves you and your family loves you and your friends love you and your Watcher loves you. And if you fell off the deep end, you’d have someone to pull you back. Sometimes I think you forget that.
Maybe I will send this to you. Doubt I’ll get a response back and yeah I deserve that. But I really mean it when I say that I hope things are better for you now. You’re a fucking badass, B. So don’t let anyone hold you back.
Faith
Dear Faith,
I didn’t really know how to react when I got your letter. Honestly, I still don’t really know how to react. I wasn’t planning on responding but we just stopped the latest apocalypse and I don’t really know what to do now.
So, to address your letter, I know I’m lucky. I see it every day. I would be dead a hundred times over without my friends. And I’m glad that you’re reflecting and doing better. I don’t think I can forgive you, but you expected that.
I don’t really know what to say to you anymore. I wish you hadn’t done that stuff too, but you did, and we can’t go back now. I really tried, Faith. I tried to help you and I couldn’t do anything since you kept pushing me away. Did we all make mistakes? Sure, I know I did. But all of us were trying to support you and help you and you just wouldn’t take the help.
I mean it when I say I’m glad you’re getting help now. But I can’t help you anymore.
Take care,
Buffy
B,
I’m probably not supposed to get angry over that, but you know, only human and all that shit. I don’t know, I just feel like it’s a bit unfair to say this is all on me. Maybe I’m just screaming at a wall right now. But I fucked up. I admit I fucked up. But you guys did too. And maybe you tried to help me after Finch. But you also never helped me before that, or after that, and you were pretty quick to write me off as a hopeless cause.
Anyway, I shouldn’t go there. My mistakes are definitely worse than yours so it doesn’t really matter. And the past is in the past.
I’m glad you wrote back.
Faith
Dear Faith,
Okay, second try.
I’ll admit that I was pretty mad when I read your letter for the first time. I wrote a whole response, and I was at the mailbox when I realized I probably shouldn’t send that because you know, you extended an olive branch and there’s no need for me to snap it. So I gave it a couple of days, and I’m back and calmer.
So, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I should’ve said it a long time ago. I definitely could’ve been there for you more than I was. I could’ve checked on you, got you out of that motel, gone to you for more than just our job. And after everything that happened, we pushed you away really quickly. I don’t know, it might have been a bit of a relief that you weren’t around anymore because the dynamic was always weird with you. Wait, that sounds so terrible, I didn’t mean it like that! I just meant we didn’t let you in so we made the dynamic weird. And it was this weird awful sick relief that I hated myself for feeling. But that’s not fair to you and it’s completely on us.
I think I’m rethinking things now. There was this whole crazy thing with this government organization (do these letters go through security? I should check this) but I saw a lot of humans doing a lot of bad things. And I don’t know, I just don’t know how to explain it but maybe it’s easier for me to take responsibility for my role in this situation. If you can go to jail, I think I can do a bit of reflection.
Sorry, I let rambly Buffy out for a bit. I’ll leave you alone now.
Take care,
Buffy
B,
First of all, no these letters don’t go through security. Perks of being the Slayer, you can pull some strings.
And about the rest of your letter, I didn’t mean for you to do this. Like you don’t have to say all that shit. I did what I did, I just had a bit of a push. This isn’t making sense. And yeah, I never fit in with your friends but I never really tried to so that’s on me too. I didn’t mean to push blame on you. That’s not why I’m here.
I don’t know, it’s just complicated. Everything’s gotten so complicated lately. The therapist they’ve made me see said that I focus a lot on what could’ve been. I miss when we could go and patrol together and things were normal. At least our version of it.
At least I’m actually voicing this stuff now. Can you imagine me last year talking about my feelings and shit?
I’d be interested in hearing more about this organization.
Faith
Dear Faith,
You aren’t pushing blame on me, I’m voluntarily accepting blame for my mistakes. And I did make mistakes. A lot of them. And I’m really glad you’re opening up a bit. It’s a lot easier for me to open up to you too. I think the letters are helping.
And about the Initiative, what do I even say? It was an army thing literally underneath UC Sunnydale, and they kidnapped demons and did experiments on them. It was a whole thing. And I don’t know if you heard about Adam when you were but he was created by the Initiative and was basically a Frankenstein of human, demon, and robot parts. So, fun times. Maybe you met Spike also, but he got a chip put in his brain that doesn’t allow him to hurt humans, and that’s from the Initiative. Anyway, we took them down, everything is right in the world, looking to the future now.
Of course, now we’re going to have another apocalypse since I said that.
Take care,
Buffy
B,
Still not doing great with the opening up thing (we’re working on it), but it’s getting there. Thanks.
And crazy government agencies sound fun.
Faith
Dear Faith,
I know we haven’t talked in a while. I just don’t really know what I’m doing anymore. Talking to you helped when we did, so here I am, writing a letter.
My mom had a brain tumor got cancer passed away. She had an aneurysm after surgery for a brain tumor. And there’s a hell goddess and a lot of shit is happening and I don’t really know what to do. But I knew I wanted to talk to you. So here I am.
I think I get you more now. I mean I can never really get where you were at when you came here, but you’d just lost your Watcher, right? I can’t imagine losing your only support system, especially a few years ago when we were younger. It’s funny that it’s only been like two years. It feels like so much has changed since then.
At least I have my friends and people to support me. I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone and then we treated you so badly. No wonder you found the Mayor. He really cared about you.
Anyway, we’re surviving for now. How’s it going in LA?
With you in Slayer spirit,
Buffy
B,
God, I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. She was such a badass amazing woman and I know nothing I say will really help. But that’s really painful and I’m sorry.
About my Watcher, yeah, it really fucking sucked. And I was a kid with no support system so I didn’t really know how to deal with it and I lashed out with violence and sex (or so the therapist tells me). I’m glad you have that support system. I wouldn’t want you to deal with this on your own.
And seriously, forgive yourself. I’m the one doing the whole atonement thing here and I don’t think you need to feel guilty, so don’t feel guilty. It’s okay. It happened, we’ve moved on.
If you need anything, let me know and I’ll do my best. If that’s just a pen pal, I’m here for you, okay?
Faith
Dear Faith,
Thanks, it means a lot that you’re here. And I’m really glad that you have this therapist now because you seem to be opening up a lot more than you used to. I think that’s pretty cool.
So, yeah, things are getting a bit better and the latest apocalypse is monopolizing our time a lot, but it’s still really hard. I know Dawn’s feeling it a lot too. And I just really, really miss Mom. I hate this so much.
But there are hell goddesses to slay, you know?
I guess I just don’t really know what to say or do or how to act or anything in this situation. It’s just so complicated. I don’t really know how else to describe it. Just have to keep moving forward, I guess.
Anyway, I don’t want to talk about myself. What’s going on with you? How’s the therapist? Anything new happening?
I miss you,
Buffy
B,
I miss you too. I probably shouldn’t say that because I’m here for a reason and it’s mostly because of the shit I did to you. But I do miss you. And the therapist says I should be honest. I think you’d like her. Her name’s Rose and she’s very no bullshit. Naturally I hated her at first but she got through to me. Says it as it is.
I miss the way things used to be. I wish it was easier. I wish all this bullshit adulting didn’t happen. It’s stupid. And I wish you didn’t have to deal with this apocalypse. I wish I could be fighting by your side. But I fucked this up.
And I’m definitely going to regret this, and you’re going to regret telling me to talk about myself, but Rose told me to just be honest with you. Lay all my cards out on the table. Because I’ve been talking with her about you a lot and she’s basically told me that I’ve already done the worst to you, so how much worse can it get? I guess I agree, so I should just tell you. And now I’m making this way more ominous than it should be.
So here goes: I love you. I’ve been in love with you pretty much from when we first met. I hated you and I was jealous of you and I was constantly compared to you and I loved you. And I fixated on your boyfriends and on the slaying because I thought it was the only way to get close to you. I was a fucked up kid and I was completely in love with you and I didn’t know what I was doing.
I’m still in love with you. Don’t see that going away any time soon. And I’m not expecting a reply back so don’t feel obligated to if this completely freaks you out. I get it. I promise I won’t go all homicidal psycho on you again because that was definitely an extreme way of coping with loving someone who doesn’t love you back. I did most of that stuff because I loved you and couldn’t deal. But again, I have Rose now so I promise I won’t go on a heartbroken murder spree.
So, that’s me I guess? And in the event that I never hear from you again, bye Buffy. Keep kicking ass.
Love,
Faith
Dear Faith,
Wow. I have to admit I was not expecting that. I’m maybe a tiny bit freaked out but definitely not planning on cutting contact over that.
I guess what you did makes a bit more sense knowing all of this. Looking back, I don’t even know what I felt for you. I’m not gay. I don’t think I’m gay? Honestly I’m very confused.
All that to say I have no idea what I’m feeling right now and I’m sorry but I can’t figure that out. I just don’t have time in the middle of the year end apocalypse. So we’re just going to try not to die and then I’ll have an identity crisis. Got my priorities straight.
But I do want to send this to you because I don’t know what’s going to happen in this battle tomorrow. I don’t think it’s going to go well. At least not for one of us. And if Dawn’s in danger, I don’t care, I’ll do anything to keep her safe.
I’ve already asked Spike to keep her safe if I die don’t make it. But I want you here. I know this is a crazy ask but if it happens will you come and protect her? I don’t want to know what’ll happen without a Slayer on the Hellmouth. She’ll know in that situation. Just, please? I’m sorry.
With confusion and some terror,
Buffy
B,
What the fuck? Are you okay? What happened?
Faith
Dear Faith,
Buffy is gone. She has left her request for you to return to Sunnydale with us. We understand if you would prefer to stay in L.A., and we currently have two powerful witches and a vampire among others to protect the Hellmouth. However, if you wish, we would be happy to have your added support in Sunnydale.
Sincerely,
Rupert Giles
Dear Faith,
This is kinda stupid since we’re in the same city now, but it was so much easier to talk to you when we were sending letters than face to face. And after everything that’s gone down I don’t really know how to talk.
I’m sorry they didn’t tell you about their plan. Both you and Spike deserved to know. I’m sorry that I’m not right. I don’t know what’s going on, but I think I’ll get better. I want you to know that I think I was in Heaven. Please don’t tell the others. Spike knows. I think you’re the only two who will get it.
It was just so peaceful there, and I had none of these responsibilities or any of this stress to deal with. And now I have bills and slaying and all of this. It’s fine. It’ll get better. Maybe you should give me the name of that therapist?
Thank you for everything,
Buffy
B,
Shit, I’m so sorry. I was pretty pissed when I found out that they did this. Not that I didn’t want you back, obviously I wanted you back. But this was just incredibly not cool. And I figured you weren’t in hell. Why would someone like you go to hell?
Anyway, I’m here to do whatever you need me to do. And my therapist only works with prisoners in LA but I’m looking for a new one in Sunnydale so I’ll let you know.
Write me as many letters as you want. It’s not stupid.
Love,
Faith
Dear Faith,
I keep starting the letter thing and then I just don’t send you letters so I’m sorry, I know it’s been a while. (We totally didn’t see each other in person earlier today.) And I know with the Spike shit and then the Warren stuff and Tara and Willow and bills and money and all of that stuff it’s just been a lot. I could use a letter after all of that.
So how am I feeling? I have no fucking idea. I technically died again so that’s fun. I think Willow likes you more now that she gets the whole dark side thing. I don’t even know what to say about the me and Spike thing. I guess I didn’t feel like I was right? I thought I came back wrong. And it was easy and awful and disgusting but it made me feel something I guess. God it’s even hard to write about.
Anyway, it has helped me think a lot about the past. You know, dying does that to you. And I think I was into you when you were here. I don’t even know if me telling you this is helpful because I’m so confused now so it means nothing. I don’t know how I feel now. I was literally sleeping with Spike, so that’s pretty obvious. But I think I was into you, so maybe I am a little gay? I don’t know. And I feel like I just repressed it and pushed it down because I was ashamed. And I realized that because I was doing the same thing with Spike just with sex.
So I don’t really know what that means. I’ll keep you updated.
Yours in post apocalypse identity crises,
Buffy
B,
Write to me whenever you feel like it, no pressure. And trust me, I get everything that happened with you and Spike. I’ve been there. Sex is a really really good unhealthy coping mechanism and it took me a long time and a lot of therapy to realize that I use it that way. You’re ahead of the curve! But I don’t know, realizing that didn’t make me stop liking sex. I still do but I just have a better relationship with it maybe? I don’t know. But I can definitely relate to fucking someone to feel something. And that’s enough of the therapy talk out of me.
And I’m glad that you’re figuring stuff out about yourself and not repressing anymore. Maybe helping place things in their right order? I don’t know, I never got what Rose meant when she said shit like that. I would be an ass therapist.
But there isn’t a timeline on this kind of thing (another Rose saying, maybe I lied with the enough therapy talk thing) and you should take as much time as you need to figure this stuff out. I’m not going anywhere, and I’ll always be there for you to help you through it however you need me.
With badly therapisted love,
Faith
Dear Faith,
I’m seriously so bad at sending these letters, oh my God. This is ridiculous, it’s been like nearly a year and my house is full of teenage girls. And we have a looming apocalypse and a battle with the origin of evil. All the while dealing with evil’s creepy preacher henchman. Pardon my French but what the actual fuck is going on???
Anyway, thank you for being there and for listening and therapisting me (that sounded a lot dirtier than I thought it would). And you’ve probably noticed because we see each other every day, but you’re really helping and I’m doing better.
So, what’s the letter for, Buffy? Well, I had my revelation and this format was a lot less cheesy in my head but I’ve committed and this is in ink. Can’t go back now.
I’m still into you. There’s definitely a better way to phrase that. I like you. I still do. I’m just very confused, but I’m less confused now? God, I’m not making sense.
Faith, I really like you. Do you want to grab a coffee or something once the world’s not ending?
Yours in embarrassment,
Buffy
P.S. Can’t you tell that I’m an expert at asking people out?
B,
Coffee it is.
Faith
P.S. Sorry this is really short, that letter was really fucking adorable and I can’t stop laughing every time I read it.
Dear Faith,
I resent that.
With pure mortification,
Buffy
B,
Drama queen.
Faith
Dear Faith,
The world’s not ending anymore. Coffee?
With many apologies for lateness,
Buffy
B,
Yes. And it’s been a week since the apocalypse that destroyed an entire city. You’re fine.
Faith
Dear Faith,
I love you.
Yours in saying this way too late,
Buffy
B,
We’re literally sitting at the same table right now.
Faith
P.S. I love you too.