Archive of Our Own ^beta

"What'd'you mean you can't bring him back?" Dean shouted. "You're God now! You're more than God, you're God plus God's sister in a nephilim overcoat!"

Jack put his hands on Dean's shoulders. "Dean, you have to believe me, if I could just snap my fingers and bring Castiel back, I would," he said firmly. "But you know the Empty was never God's domain. He didn't create it."

"That didn't matter last time!" Dean said incredulously. "Hell, all you had to do was think about him, and bam! And you weren't even God then!"

"First, I didn't get him out, I just woke him up, and the Empty expelled him. But also, Castiel just died that time," Jack explained. "Like any other angel dies. Like Lucifer had died when Nick and then Chuck revived him. This time, the Empty claimed him. It took him, and it wants to keep him. Even if he wakes it up, it won't purposely expel him no matter what. And it's angry that Chuck found a way to have some measure of control over it. It changed the locks after that, so to speak. So it's not going to be as easy to get him back."

Dean paused. "Not as easy? That's not can't. You said can't, now you're saying not as easy?"

Jack grinned, his hands returning to his sides. "I said I can't bring him back," he pointed out. "Because I can't. I'm not promising anything, but what I might be able to do, is get us a way into the Empty, so you can bring him back."

Dean clapped his hands. "Well what are we waiting for? Let's do it. What do we need? Is there a spell or something?"

"You mean we," Sam broke in. "We can bring him back, not Dean. No way any of us are going in there alone after Cas."

Jack shook his head. "No. I mean, if I can get Dean in, I can get you in," he said, "but you can't get Cas out any more than I can."

"So I can be the lookout, right? I can—"

"Sam, I'm sorry," Jack said, "but there's nothing you can do. There's nothing any human can do against the Empty. The good news is, I doubt it would kill either of you—it doesn't care enough about humans to bother. It would probably just expel you, and then change the locks again to make it harder to get back in. If you're there, it'll just expel you with Dean—but two humans is just twice as much of a chance to disturb it and be expelled before Dean gets a chance to wake Castiel."

Don't ask, don't ask, don't ask, Dean prayed. He wasn't sure he was ready to talk to Cas about this—don't get him wrong, he wanted like hell to talk to him about it, he just wasn't ready for it—let alone explain any piece of it to Sam. He hadn't told anyone what Cas said before the Empty took him. Cas had left one last piece of himself with Dean, and Dean was hoarding it.

Of course, he asked.

"Why? Why would Dean be able to get Cas out, but I couldn't?"

Dean's eyes widened a little, his face turned away from his brother as he tried to think of an explanation that didn't involve—

"Because Castiel rebuilt him," Jack broke into his frantic thoughts. Wait, because what? "In hell. Dean's soul had been mutilated by decades of torture, and Cas rebuilt it, and also his physical body that had been decomposing for months. Creating, or re-creating, a soul like that, you leave a trace of yourself in it, it's impossible not to. Normally, it's a tiny enough trace that it would have no effect at all. Even I've only been able to detect it since I absorbed Amara. But that means two things: First, he should be able to wake Castiel up, when a normal human wouldn't be able to."

So it had nothing to do with Cas being in love with him. Other than the initial act that started his entire fall from grace.

"Nick woke Lucifer up," Dean pointed out, "and Crowley's the one who put him back together, not Luci."

Jack nodded. "Angelic possession leaves even stronger traces than rebuilding. Strong enough that I've been able to sense them since I was born. It's a good thing I destroyed alternate Michael's soul, or you'd need to be careful not to wake him up while you're in there. But since no other Michael from any other universe, including our own, ever possessed you, there should be no danger of that. So first, you're the only one who can wake Castiel up, or rather, the trace of Castiel left in you will wake him up. And then, once he's awake, you can keep him hidden from the Empty."

"Wait, what?" Dean must have misheard. "I can hide Cas? The human protects the angel?"

"Exactly," Jack said with a smile. "That trace of Cas means that as long as the two of you are touching, the Empty will perceive you as one being, not two. And your human soul will be much, much more visible to the Empty than Cas's angelic one. Much brighter. It's not a 100% guarantee, but I'm almost certain that as long as you're touching Castiel while in the Empty, he'll be nearly invisible to it."

"So if, say, it decides to chuck me out—"

"As long as you've got ahold of Cas, it shouldn't notice that it's expelling you both," Jack finished for him. "And since from what we know, the Empty wakes up whenever an angel wakes up—"

"If I wake Cas up and grab him, the Empty should do the rest for us," Dean guessed. Jack nodded, looking pleased.

"Okay, this sounds way too good to be true," Sam said, and he was absolutely right, as much as Dean didn't want him to be. "Basically if Dean accidentally wakes up the Empty, most likely the worst that happens is he gets kicked out, and if he makes it to Cas without waking it up, they're home free? What's the catch?"

Jack shrugged. "Well, like I said, I can't 100% guarantee any of it. It's possible the Empty will decide it'd rather torture Dean than expel him, and it's possible that Dean won't be able to shield Cas from it. They're both just vanishingly unlikely. And once Dean gets expelled, like I said, the Empty is likely to make it much harder to get back in, so if it happens before he gets Castiel we may not get another shot. And, of course, there's the question of whether I can get him in in the first place. That's the part I'm least sure of."

"Well all right, then," Dean said, shaking out his shoulders. "Let's get this show on the road. What, do we need to find the spell first?"

Jack squinted his eyes, looking so much like Cas when he was thinking hard that Dean had to clench his jaw not to react.

"I don't think it's going to be a spell," he said. "I think... I think I just have to find a weak spot."

"Somewhere where the veil between worlds is thinner?" Sam asked.

Jack nodded slowly, still thinking. "It's a different veil. Not the same one between earth and Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory. It's controlled by the Empty, like a person controls the fence on their property. Yes, that's a better metaphor." He looked at Sam and Dean, eyes sharp. "It didn't change the locks, it put up a new fence. Before, nobody really bothered to try, so it was just a normal privacy fence, maybe too tall to climb easily and with locks on the gates. Now, though, it's twelve feet tall with barbed wire at the top."

"Hey, people escape from prisons with worse." Dean grinned. "I like our odds."

"Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do until then," Jack said, and Dean's smile fell a bit. "If that changes, if I think there are ingredients or anything that might help me break through, I'll let you know. But for now, I think I just need to keep testing it, see what we might be able to exploit."

Dean nodded, disappointed but not surprised. There was no reason to think they'd find a spell to get into the Empty, and no reason to think two little humans could do much without one.

They didn't see much of Jack for the next month. Dean pushed down the urge to pray to him and ask about his progress every five minutes—he trusted the kid, obviously. Jack would tell them when he had something, and he sure as hell wasn't going to just up and forget about saving Cas. His father. The guy he once saved from the Empty based solely on how badly he missed him.

That clearly was not how this was going to work, because if it were, Dean would have already pulled him out weeks ago.

He tried to tell himself that even when Cas was around, it's not like he was always around. There were plenty of times when he'd been dealing with something in Heaven, or on some mission from them to find some rare doodad, or kidnapping Metatron, or whatever, when Dean wouldn't see him for weeks. Sometimes months. Of course, those times he could at least call or text occasionally—not that Cas always did.

But that was all before. Before Cas laid it all out for him. Before Dean said jack shit in response. No wonder Cas assumed he couldn't have what he wanted. All those times Cas had disappeared for weeks and barely texted, Dean had assumed he forgot about the Winchesters when they weren't right in front of him, like a baby that doesn't have that one thing yet. Where they think things disappear if they can't see them. Object permanence? That.

But no, according to Chuck this Castiel—his Castiel—was the only one out of thousands who didn't do what he was told. Because he was in love with Dean. The whole damn time. All that time, wasted, when they could have—well. Dean wasn't totally sure what they could've. He didn't know exactly what it was Cas would want if he hadn't thought he couldn't have any of it. He didn't know exactly what he would want. He had some ideas, sure, but he couldn't get ahead of himself.

He only knew for sure that he wanted one thing: Cas back. And once he had that, they could figure out the rest. Because whatever Dean may or may not want himself, he was pretty sure there wasn't much Cas could ask for that Dean wouldn't happily give him. He tried not to blame himself too much for the fact that Cas ever thought otherwise—it was definitely his own fault, yeah, but he was pretty sure Chuck had a hand in it, too.

But all that made missing Cas this time feel very different from missing Cas when they were just separated on Earth, or split between Heaven and Earth. Even the times Cas had died—well, those times were very different for their own reasons. Dean hadn't had any hope those times that they'd get him back. Those times, Dean was half-dead inside, too. Even after the Leviathan, when Dean was still working on forgiving Cas for all the stupid shit he'd done and definitely hadn't admitted to himself yet how he felt, losing Cas was like losing a vital organ. At least this was better than that.

So he tried to stay patient and let Jack work. He and Sam dealt with a couple low-level jobs. He took care of Miracle and started trying to train her. That mop of a dog was never going to be much help on hunts, but he figured she could probably at least learn a few tricks for fun. He wondered what Cas would think of her.

He thought about it, a couple times—telling Sam what really happened. Everything Cas said. Maybe even his own thoughts on the matter. But for some reason, that felt like giving up. Like the only reason Sam could possibly need to know that was if they were Cas's last words, and they damn well better not be, so Sam didn't need to know.

Was it a little bit because telling Sam he was in love with a dude felt a little weird? Maybe. But only a little. A year ago, fuck, no way would he have wanted to tell Sam that. Now, it just felt a little weird, and weird wasn't that big a deal. But they weren't Cas's last words, therefore they were Dean's to keep all to himself. He was being selfish more than he was being a coward, and he was pretty sure that wasn't even an excuse, just the truth.

Finally, one day they were sitting at the war table eating burgers after finishing off a pretty basic vamp nest in Nebraska that morning when Dean heard a "Hello" behind him and looked up to see Jack there, waving.

"Heya, Jack," Dean said, trying not to sound overeager. "Got any news on the Empty?"

"I do," Jack said. He seemed pleased with himself, but Dean tried not to read too much into that until he heard the actual words. "I've found a spot where the precautions that have been put in place to keep God—or, me, now—out have a weakness. I haven't gotten it open yet, but it shouldn't take much longer."

Dean's heartrate picked up. "And then I can go in and get Cas?"

Jack nodded. "Once I get it open, I don't know how long I'll be able to keep it open, so you should come with me so that you can go as soon as I get it."

"Oh!" Dean stood. "Now?" Jack nodded. "Awesome. Great. Lemme just..." He scooped his burger wrappers into the paper bag they'd come in, which Sam then took from him.

"I'll clean this stuff up," Sam said. "You guys go, okay? Bring Cas home."

Dean smiled gratefully at his brother and nodded. "Will do."

As soon as he stood next to Jack, Jack put a hand on his arm and he felt the uncomfortable sensation that always accompanied being flown somewhere by an angel. The world blacked out for half a second, then when it reappeared—

"Are we in fucking Purgatory?" Dean asked, looking around.

"Yep," Jack said. "I've been over everywhere the Empty touches the plane of existence Earth is on, and Heaven, and haven't found anything yet."

"Of course," Dean muttered. "Of course it had to be Purgatory."

"Don't worry," Jack reassured him cheerfully. "I've put a force field around us, so no monsters can get near. Ten feet in every direction. They can't see us or smell us while we're inside, either. It's completely safe!"

Dean looked around uneasily. He could hear a werewolf howling in the distance, and something was moving behind some nearby trees. Something was always moving behind some trees here. "Not that I don't believe you, but that's not as reassuring as you'd think. Let's get this show on the road so I don't have to spend any more time in this place than necessary."

Jack nodded and got to work. Well, Dean assumed it was work. To Dean's eyes, Jack knelt on the dirty forest floor and put his hands up as though he was pressing on something invisible. And that was about it. No glow, no movement, no sounds. Just kneeling there with his hands up. Dean shrugged and let him be.

Maybe ten or fifteen minutes later, Jack stood up. "All right," he said. "As soon as I open it, you go through. Move as silently as possible, you don't want the Empty throwing you out before you've got him. Once he's awake, make sure he doesn't make any sound, so the Empty has no reason to suspect that he's with you. And make absolutely sure that you're touching him the entire time."

"Got it," Dean said with a nod. "Get in, be quiet, grab Cas, keep him quiet. Keep my hand on his arm or something no matter what."

"No!" Jack said quickly. "His arm will have several layers of clothes on it. The more separating the two of you, the more chance that the Empty will see through it. Make sure you're touching his skin. Take his hand or something."

Dean's stomach twisted, but he nodded. "Roger that. Touch his skin. Wait—what do you think'll be the best way to find him? How far away do you think he'll be? How long will this probably take?"

Jack blinked. "Right. Okay, so, the Empty might not be God's domain, but having Chuck's power and Amara has definitely given me more insight into how it works. I didn't get it before, and I don't think Castiel did either, from what he's told me of his visits there."

"Okay..."

"Distance doesn't work the same way there as it does here," Jack explained. "Or—it doesn't work at all there. It's different in every plane of existence, but the Empty is... nothing. So there is no distance. This barrier—" He touched the air he'd been concentrating on. "—it has a size and a length here, and on Earth and in Heaven and Hell. But on the other side, it's all the same. It's all just... there."

Dean waited for Jack to go on, but he didn't. "Okay, so how do I find Cas then?"

Jack shrugged. "You just do. Sort of. Just... decide that you are standing in front of him, and you will be."

"Decide," Dean repeated slowly. "Not wish, or ask, or hope, or pray. Decide."

"Exactly," Jack said with a firm nod. "Whatever you believe is true about the dimensions and layout of the Empty will be true, for you. It'll all be empty no matter what, but if you believe something is far away from you, you'll have to go through more emptiness to get to it. If you believe you're standing in front of Castiel, you will be."

"And then I decide that I'm back at the door?" Dean guessed.

"Yep." Jack looked pleased. "And you should definitely try to do that before the Empty itself finds you—if it tosses you out in any other direction, I don't know where you might end up. I'll be able to find you fairly quickly, but it would be awkward if you wound up at the bottom of the ocean or inside an active volcano or something."

"Awkward is one word for it," Dean said. "Okay, anything else I should know?"

Jack thought for a moment. "I think that's everything. Go in, decide you're with Cas, wake him up but keep him quiet, grab his hand, decide you're back at the door, and either the Empty will throw you out or you can come back through it yourself."

Dean rubbed his hands together. "Okay, then, let's do this thing."

Jack nodded once and turned back to the barrier. He seemed to press hard on it, and then dug his fingers in as if he were prying sliding doors open.

And then there was a two-inch gap of swirling blackness hanging in the air. Dean's first thought was Will I fit through that?, but the interdimensional rifts hadn't been any wider, so he took a deep breath and stepped through.

The door started to close behind him, but stopped when it was just a thin sliver of light. He looked around. It was Empty, all right. Blackness in every direction, yet somehow he could still see himself just fine. He took a step forward, and somehow there was hard ground under his feet. But when he reached down with his hand, there was nothing there.

"Okay," he mumbled under his breath, fighting a wave of mild vertigo.

He opened his mouth to talk to himself, then remembered he needed to stay silent. So he thought, Well, Cas is right over there, choosing a random direction, walked a few feet, and.

And he was.

Cas was there. Lying still as death on the not-ground.

Dean looked around—no sign of any entities waking up yet.

He knelt down next to Cas. Somehow, he knew that the moment Cas opened his eyes, he would immediately say Dean's name, so he put a hand over the angel's mouth before doing anything else. With his other hand, he shook Cas's shoulder.

When that didn't work, he bent down to whisper in Cas's ear. "Cas. Cas, c'mon, wake up! Wake up, buddy."

Cas's head twitched the tiniest amount.

Dean sat up to shake Cas again, and after just a few more seconds Cas's eyes flew open. Dean kept his hand firm on Cas's mouth while putting a finger to his own, shaking his head. Cas started to sit up, and as he looked around Dean couldn't quite keep the hand on his mouth, so he whispered into Cas's ear again.

"Come with me, but do not make a single sound, you got that? No matter what happens. You gotta let me do the talking."

Cas looked at him, eyes a little wild and confused, but nodded. Dean reached down carefully and made sure their hands were clutched tightly before removing his hand from Cas's mouth.

Cas's hand was warm in his, rough and callused like his own. Dean's heart was in his throat, but he pushed all that down and stood up, pulling Cas with him. They'd barely managed to both stand up before there was a voice behind them.

"Who the hell are you?"

Dean whirled around, instinctively stepping between Cas and the vaguely-shaped black mass peering at them with eyes even darker than the surrounding void. He shifted his hand in Cas's so their fingers were intertwined behind his back. He tried to tell himself it was because it would be harder to pull their hands apart that way, then told the part of him that said that to fuck off. He didn't have time for that bullshit anymore.

"Are you a human?" the mass asked. "How did a human get in here? I finally get to fucking sleep and now this?"

Cas shifted behind him, and Dean squeezed his hand hard. His first instinct was probably to protect Dean, much as Dean's was to protect him, but he didn't try to intervene. He was probably confused as hell as to why the Empty was only talking to Dean.

"Shit, sorry, sorry," Dean said, trying to look contrite. "Me and Sam, we were fucking around trying to figure out some more interdimensional rifts, see what we could find—definitely wasn't expecting to end up here!"

"That's not possible," the Empty said, moving closer. "Humans can't break my barrier."

"Well, look," Dean said reasonably. "I'll show you where I came in, okay? There must be something wrong with the barrier, right? So if you know where it is, you can fix it. I get out of this place, you fix your barrier, it's win-win."

He couldn't exactly see the Empty's face, but it still gave off an air of distrust.

"You look strange," it said, almost to itself. It might have been squinting at him. "Your soul—it's odd around the edges. Fuzzy, or—"

Or like it's doubled? Dean thought. "Well, y'know, this old soul's been through a lot. Decades of torture in Hell, blah blah blah, you don't need to hear the whole story. I can believe it's pretty ragged, though!"

He decided they were next to the door, and they were.

"Oh, hey, see?" He pointed to the sliver of light, smiling brightly. "Here's the weak spot. I'll just—"

Dean felt a shove, less like a person pushing him and more like a massive wave bowling him over—and then he was tumbling onto the ground in Purgatory, still pulling Cas along with him.

Dean looked up from where he was sprawled face-first, Cas in a similar position next to him, their hands tightly clutched between them.

"You did it!" Jack said brightly from above them. "I told you it shouldn't be hard."

"How..." Cas didn't seem capable of finishing his question.

As they both started to struggle to get off the ground, Cas started to pull his hand away form Dean's, but Dean grabbed on tighter. Sure, it made standing up a little more awkward, but he didn't give a shit. He was not letting go.

The moment they were both on their feet, Dean used their joined hands to drag Cas into a hug. Not just a quick, strong, glad-you're-alive hug. He clung to Cas like a drowning man to a piece of driftwood—because he was. Every time Cas died, Dean felt like his lungs were full of something he couldn't breathe, but he was always expected to just keep going anyhow. This time, even knowing he might have a chance at getting him back, he had the words he hadn't been able to say still in his lungs, choking on them.

Cas hugged him back, first gingerly, like he wasn't sure this was real (Dean couldn't blame him), but then more firmly as it became clear that Dean wasn't letting go.

They stood there for at least a full minute, far past the point where Dean would normally think a hug was getting awkward, and he could feel Cas's muscles relax in his arms.

Finally, Dean pulled back, but he did it with a hand on the nape of Cas's neck, and he only pulled back far enough to press their foreheads together. His other arm was still around Cas's waist, holding him close.

Cas looked startled, at first, but then closed his eyes, his own hands still on Dean's back.

"Why couldn't the Empty see me?" he finally asked, eyes still closed.

"Because apparently, according to Jack—" Who was being very quiet, Dean realized. "—you left a little piece of your soul in me when you rebuilt me. So as long as you stayed quiet and we were touching, the Empty couldn't tell us apart. And Jack says human souls outshine angel souls there, so all it knew was that my soul looked a little funny."

Cas nodded. His eyes were still closed, but Dean's weren't. He couldn't stop staring—his eyes were crossing a little, as close as they were, but he didn't care. He wasn't sure how he'd ever take his eyes off Cas again.

"Dean," Cas started hesitantly. His eyes squeezed shut even tighter. "What I said—"

"Shut up," Dean said immediately, voice suddenly raspy. He knew Cas was going to try to soften it, say he didn't mean what he clearly meant, because he apparently assumed Dean wouldn't like what he did mean. Dean did not want to hear that shit. "We'll deal with it later."

Cas sighed, but nodded, his shoulders relaxing a little.

"We should go," Jack finally said, his voice soft and hesitant, like he didn't really want to interrupt them.

"Yeah." Dean pulled his head back, but didn't pull out of the circle of Cas's arms. When Cas opened his eyes, he looked surprised and mildly confused. Dean waited for him to make eye contact. "Let's go home," he said firmly.

Something hesitant passed through Cas's eyes at that, but they'd deal with that later, too. For now, it was time to get the hell out of Purgatory yet again. Dean finally stepped back from Cas's embrace and let his own arm slide away from Cas's waist so he could turn toward Jack.

"Get us outta here, kid."

Jack smiled and put a hand on each of their arms, and with that same weird feeling and brief blackout, they were back in the bunker.

Dean looked around—Sam was nowhere to be seen, no longer at the table they'd been eating on when Jack arrived.

"Sam?" he called. "Hey, we're back!" When he didn't hear a reply, he wandered away from Jack and Cas a bit. "Sammy!"

He finally heard a door open and shut, and a few seconds later a sleep-rumpled Sam emerged from the hallway. As soon as he saw Cas, his face lit up. "It worked! You got him!"

He immediately went to give Cas a hug—one that, Dean couldn't help but notice, was absolutely nothing like his own hug.

"How long were we gone?" Dean asked, confused at Sam's state. To him, it felt like they'd been gone maybe an hour, tops.

Sam pulled out his phone. "Six hours? Seven?"

"Time does work differently in Purgatory, and in the Empty," Cas said. "Having gone through both, you're probably lucky it wasn't longer."

"And you're all, like... okay?" Sam asked, concerned eyes flitting between the three of them. "Like, really okay? Nothing broken or missing, or..."

"Nope," Jack said, clearly pleased with himself. "Everybody is whole and unharmed. I promise."

"Well, great!" Sam said. "That's awesome."

"We got a clean win tonight. Those are rare," Dean said. He clapped Jack on the back. "Thanks for that, Jack."

"Yes," Cas said. "Thank you." Then he reached out and pulled Jack into a hug. Ever since becoming God, Jack had been different—not entirely, but in the way he talks, the way he holds himself. Taller, more mature, confident. Now, he sunk into Cas's arms like the child part of him still was.

"No thanks needed," he said into Cas's shoulder. "I just wanted you back."

Once they pulled back, Sam said, "Unfortunately, it is 2am. The vamp hunt yesterday wiped me out, I gotta get back to bed. You should, too, Dean. You've had a way bigger day than me."

"Okay," Jack said. "I'll see you later." And with a short wave, he was gone.

"Good to have you back, Cas," Sam said, clapping Cas on the shoulder one more time before heading back down the hallway.

Leaving Dean and Cas alone in the war room.

Cas shifted uncomfortably. "I suppose I should check in on Heaven—"

"The fuck you should," Dean said. Cas looked at him, startled. "You're home, Cas." He said firmly. "Maybe I never made that clear, but you belong here, okay? With us." He looked hard into Cas's blue eyes, wishing he could just transmit everything he was thinking and feeling without having to say it. "With me."

Cas looked—he looked mildly terrified, actually.

"C'mon," Dean said, softening his tone. "Come watch me sleep. Don't pretend your creepy ass doesn't want to."

"You... find it disturbing when I do that," Cas said doubtfully.

One corner of Dean's mouth quirked up in a fond smile. "Nah. I mean, sure, maybe at first, but... not for a long time. Not with everything we've been through, man."

"All right," Cas said, nodding hesitantly.

Dean really needed to just say all the shit he needed to say so that Cas would stop acting like a skittish horse around him, but somehow he felt like unless Cas asked him directly the words just weren't going to form.

Instead, he nodded toward the hallway, then took Cas's hand again and led him to his bedroom. Touching Cas, that was easier than talking to him. That he could do.

Dean stripped down to his boxers and a t-shirt and climbed into bed, then looked at Cas, perched at the end of it.

"Still in that damn trench coat," Dean muttered. "You might as well get comfortable. You can borrow a t-shirt if you want, they're in that drawer."

"Um." Cas swallowed. "No thank you."

"Well, at least take all those layers off, jeez."

Cas nodded, then stood and carefully peeled off the trench coat and his suit jacket, and loosened his tie. He even undid the top button of his shirt.

Part of Dean was relieved—Cas believed that Dean wanted him to be comfortable, Cas trusted him with this.

A bigger part of Dean was sort of offline because fuck he looked hot like that.

That part wanted to just pull Cas in by his loosened tie and take him apart. But that was probably a bad idea. Until they talked about shit. Right?

Cas still looked uncomfortable, though. He hadn't even sat back down on the bed yet, hovering where he'd folded his coats onto a chair.

"I want you here," Dean said firmly. "Just... Stop doubting that. I will always want you here. Okay?"

"Living in the bunker," Cas clarified.

"With me," Dean emphasized. "You belong with me." He swallowed. It was so easy to say that, so natural. Why was it so much harder to say the next thing? "I belong with you. You got that?"

There. He'd gotten that much out, at least. It wasn't everything he wanted—needed—to say, but it was a start. And he could see the smallest spark of hope, of understanding in Cas's eyes, so maybe it was enough for the moment.

"Okay," Cas said. He sat gingerly back down on the bed, higher up this time, within Dean's reach. "If you're sure."

"Stop with the 'if you're sure' shit," Dean snapped. "I'm sure, okay? I'm really, really fucking sure that I can't lose you again. I'm sure that I don't want you to call anywhere home if I'm not there. I'm sure that you were a fucking idiot to make that deal with the Empty and if you ever do anything like that again—" He took a breath. "Fuck it, if you do something like that again I'll come save you again, but just don't, okay? Because Jack isn't sure we'll be able to get in there again."

"And if you ever do anything like that again?" Cas asked, one eyebrow raised.

"Like save you?"

"Like make a demon deal, or say yes to Michael, or—"

"Okay, okay." Dean lay down with a huff. "We both do stupid shit, I know that. But can you just—not—" He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes in frustration. "Don't just assume, okay? Don't assume I'm okay with you sacrificing yourself. And don't assume you can't have shit you've never even asked for."

There was a long pause at that. He could feel Castiel frozen on the bed next to him.

He finally pulled his hands away from his eyes and turned off the light. He couldn't fucking look at Cas right now. Later, but not right now. Not for this. Whatever this was, that was about to happen—because something was about to happen, that much he knew—he couldn't look Cas in the eye until after they'd dealt with it.

"Dean," Cas finally said, slow and careful and not how Dean wanted him to sound but hearing him at all was still a thrill, "if you're... if you're implying, or offering, something because I saved you—"

Dean actually reached out and gave him a rough shove for that. "Don't fucking say that. You saved me, I saved you, why would we even keep score at this point? We're even, we're gonna stay even, we're always even, capisce?"

"Capisce," Cas murmured.

Dean waited, but Cas didn't say anything else. Dean decided that probably whatever else Cas would come up with to say would be equally stupid and self-deprecating anyhow, so he should probably do the talking.

"I don't know what exactly it is you want," he finally said. "The one thing you want that you think you can't have. I don't know what you want that to look like. But I wanna at least find out. 'Cause you told me, Cas, when I didn't know what was real about my life, you said we were real. And I knew you were right. Even before I found out that you—" He swallowed. "You choosing me, you loving me was literally the only thing in my life that Chuck didn’t plan out, I knew you were right. Whatever’s here, whatever we’ve always had, that’s real. And it scared me then. Hell, I... I'd been scared of it for years. But I think... I think that was all Chuck. I don't know if he just didn't want me to have anything he hadn't planned himself, or he specifically wanted me to be ashamed of that part of myself, or he was just trying to use me to keep you demoralized, or what. But that sonofabitch doesn't get a say anymore, and right now, never finding out what we could have? That’s a hell of a lot scarier than dealing with the fact that... maybe I want something I didn’t think I was allowed to want.”

Cas was quiet for a moment. Dean held his breath.

"It... was all Chuck?" Cas finally asked. "You think Chuck..."

Dean sighed and sat up in the dark, scooting back against the headboard. "Yeah, I think it was Chuck. I think he was pissed that you kept fucking up his plans, and as soon as he realized that I was gonna do the same he wanted to make sure that didn't happen."

"You were going to do the same?" Cas asked, sounding confused.

And for some reason, now, in the dark, after losing Cas again and getting him back again, it wasn't so hard to say it.

"Chuck didn't want you to fall in love with me," Dean said simply. "But he couldn't stop you, and he couldn't stop you doing stupid shit because of it, because you're some kind of fucking miracle. But me, me he could stop. I mean, he couldn't stop me falling in love with you. But he could give me enough... I don't know, shame? Self-hatred? Whatever. It was enough to stop me ever doing anything about it. And apparently enough to convince you that... that it couldn't happen, I guess."

Dean felt and heard Cas turning further on the bed to face him fully. He was close enough that Dean could feel the heat of Cas's leg next to his.

"He couldn't... he couldn't stop you. From falling in love with me." At least it sounded like maybe Cas was starting to believe him.

"You heard what I said," Dean confirmed. "But I had some mix of... hell, I don't even know. Inferiority complex mixed with—what would Claire call it, toxic masculinity? Plus just, y'know. Getting pissed at you a lot. So every time that happened I could tell myself, see? See, you don't want him. That was pretty weak, though, I never believed it."

"And now?" Cas asked.

"I mean, I'm probably still gonna get pissed at you, because you're still gonna do stupid self-sacrificial shit because you think you're worthless or something, but hey, that's just part of being a Winchester, so I can't stay pissed for long." Dean heard a small huff of almost-laughter and smiled. "But all that other bullshit... Obviously I've got baggage, but the stuff that was really keeping me away... yeah, it's pretty much gone. I guess I'm a little weirded out by the thought of, y'know, everyone I know finding out I like guys, but it's not like anyone's gonna care."

It was true, and strange. When Cas had confessed, part of the reason Dean hadn't been able to say anything was the roiling inner conflict he'd avoided dealing with for so long. He'd wanted to tell Cas he was wrong, but he was terrified of it, while being terrified of losing Cas at the same time. He froze.

Then, when they'd cleared out Chuck's powers... that was all gone. A lot of shit was gone, actually; having real free will definitely felt different. But when he thought about Cas, about getting him back, all he could think about was having him all to himself. Staking some kind of claim, making sure everyone knew that Castiel was his. And he belonged to Castiel. He had for a long time.

"So what is it you want, Cas?" He finally asked. "Try asking for it, see what happens."

Cas was quiet for long enough that Dean wondered if he was going to have to be even more direct. Dean was well-aware that he came by his emotional constipation honestly, no need for Chuck to do that, so he wasn't sure how much more direct he could be.

Then the bed shifted. Cas turning, leaning toward him.

"I want you," Cas said, his voice dark and hungry and very much turning Dean on, "to be mine. Entirely and only mine."

"Done," Dean said immediately. His voice came out just a little breathless.

"And I'm yours," Cas said in that same voice. The bed dipped where he braced himself on one hand, leaning in until Dean could feel his breath on his face. "Only yours. I want all of Heaven to know that."

Dean smirked. "I think maybe they already do. What else?"

"What else do I want?"

"Yeah," Dean breathed into the space between their mouths. The tension in the air buzzed across his skin. "C'mon, get it all out. See if you can ask for something I won't give you. I dare you."

"Rings." Dean startled—that was not what he expected. In a very good way. "I don't think there's any way we could be legally married, but I want to wear rings so that everyone on earth who sees us knows."

Dean reached up and grabbed the front of Cas's shirt, along with the tie he knew was hanging loosely, teasing a view of Cas's collarbones. "You better get the rest of the list out quick before I tear your god damn clothes off," he growled.

"That," Cas said. "Yes. I want that."

Dean finally gave up and pulled him in. The dark made it a little awkward at first, teeth clashing a bit as they tried to work out where everything was, but Dean could care less. Within seconds, he was kissing Cas right, deep and slow and hungry. His left hand gripped Cas's shirt while his right wandered up to sink into Cas's thick, soft hair.

Some part of Dean's mind stayed detached, observing, waiting for the inevitable panic to set in. But it didn't. He was telling the truth—most of the homophobic bullshit that had always made him keep Cas at arm's length was just gone. Sure, John had contributed to it, it wasn't all Chuck, but he'd outgrown most of the baggage his dad had left him a long time ago. Not all, but a hell of a lot. Without Chuck meddling in his brain, he would've stopped caring about being straight or bi or whatever years ago.

Cas had been in a slightly awkward position when they started kissing, twisted around where he had perched on the side of the bed, and now as Dean let go of his shirt in order to pull his tie off, he turned around more fully, getting his legs up so he had some leverage. Leverage, as it turned out, to press Dean up against the headboard while moving down to suck on his neck.

Dean groaned and started in on the buttons of Cas's shirt... then paused when Cas's foot hit his leg.

"Are your shoes still on?"

Cas froze, nose tucked up under Dean's left ear. "You only told me to take off my outer layers."

"Ah, c'mon, man, you got Purgatory crap on those, who knows what else. No shoes in bed!" Dean reached over and turned on the lamp. "C'mon, take 'em off."

Cas rolled his eyes, but sat up. Dean couldn't take his eyes off his wildly messed-up hair as he untied one shoe, and then the other. It gave Dean a chance to cool off a little.

And realize how damn tired he was. As if he hadn't been through enough today—three different planes of existence! Talking a cosmic entity into tossing him out!—this little burst of emotional exertion had maybe tipped him over the edge.

"Hey," he said when Cas was done. He reached out and put his hand on Cas's on the bed. "You mind if maybe I tear your clothes off in the morning?" When the slightest shadow of doubt passed through Cas's eyes, he tugged on the hand. "Ugh, come here." Cas scrambled to crawl up the bed to where Dean was to avoid being pulled over. "This is not me backing out of anything or looking for an out." As soon as Cas was within kissing distance, Dean did just that—a softer, less urgent kind of kiss. "Look: I love you. That's not something that's easy for me to say. But this is it, Cas. We're a done deal and that's not gonna change."

Cas leaned his forehead on Dean's. "I believe you. I trust you, Dean, I just..."

"I know," Dean said. "We've been jerked around like rag dolls the past few years. But this is me without any God pulling my strings. And you give me free will, real free will, I'm always gonna choose you. Even when I'm pissed at you and don't wanna talk to you, that won't change. I'll still be yours. Just, y'know. Without talking for a little while."

That pulled a small smile from Cas. "Of course. I look forward to our first fight. As a couple, I mean, we've very obviously..." He trailed off and Dean snorted.

As a couple.

That... that was gonna take a little getting used to. Less because of the "Cas is a guy" thing, or even the "Cas is an angel" or "Cas is my best friend who deserves better than me" things. Dean just hadn't been half of a couple in... shit, when was Lisa? It was maybe getting close to a decade, depending on how you counted time in Purgatory.

And, he realized as he turned off the light and got comfortable in bed, Cas now propped up against the headboard next to him where Dean could throw one arm around his waist, he'd never been half of a couple like this. He was never in love with Lisa. She was great, he maybe even loved her, but it was more sex and friendship. Cassie was the closest he'd ever come to falling in love, and he was a kid then.

Maybe he didn't know how to be in a couple with someone he felt like this about. Probably Cas sure as hell didn't.

But then, there'd never been a couple like this in all of human history. So maybe it was appropriate that they'd have to figure it out as they went. Just like they'd always done everything else.