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To me, grief is something that it so beautiful. To me, it shows that the person or object you're grieving over meant so much to you that you cry over it. That you believe it's worth losing sleep over. If that doesn't show love, I don't know what does. To me, grief isn't something that deserves to be hidden or something that you should feel like shit over. Grief has no guidelines and no way to escape it, because it's always there no matter what. Maybe one day you get to the point where you don't cry over what you're grieving over, but there will always be that one trigger that puts you right back to square one. It will be there like a bug. Too stubborn to leave. One day, your grief won't be something that makes you feel shitty, but something that feels wonderful. Something that shows you that you really did carry so much care and affection for this thing that isn't even here anymore. Something you will never physically have by your side again.
My favorite version of grief is love. More specifically, being in love with someone that doesn't feel the same love for you as they once did. And maybe you don't feel that same love for them anymore, but a version of love with always sit in the back of your mind just for them. A small or large piece of your heart will forever belong to this person. There are so many different sides to this in just one sub-topic of grief. You can still be in love with this person and grieve being with them, you can be out of love with someone but grieve the way your relationship was, you could absolutely fucking hate this person but grieve over the fact that you used to love the version of them you knew. There are so many different types I could name. Hundreds, even. It all comes down to whoever the person is or was. In my personal experience, it's grieving a perfect relationship and loving that person even though I royally fucked up whatever we had. I grieve so many things about our past relationship, mainly the way he cared for me. Some days, I find myself just lying in bed and thinking of our past with each other. The small things he noticed about me, that I didn't even notice myself. Like how I tug at my hair when I'm having a bad day or how I do this thing with wrist where I just flick it over and over whenever I'm about to have an anxiety attack. And even now, he still shows me the same care, which in a way, makes me miss how amazing our relationship was even more.
The next version of grief is a version that is very common, but not a lot of people speak about. I may be getting the name wrong, but disenfranchised grief. For me, this means grieving over someone that you knew and had an emotional connection to, but they never knew you and is still alive. Like a content creator or a musician. In my case, this content creator and musician is Wilbur Soot. I know what he did is often joked about as a way to bully him and/or Shelby, but what happened between them genuinely ruined me. And yes, I know this sounds parasocial. I know it makes me sound insane, but he genuinely saved my life. No music can top how his made me feel. No content creator's laugh can make me feel happy like how his did. Every day, I grieve over the fact that he is nowhere near the sweet guy that he portrayed himself to be, and that kills me. His music changed my life in ways I thought were impossible. And honestly, I put up this act for almost two years now that I hate him, but I don't. Yes, he's a shit fucking person, but nothing could make me hate him because the love I had for him and the content he put out overshadows that. I hate that about myself, but I can't help it. I can't help but cry when I hear his laugh. I can't help but smile when I'm scrolling on social media and a video about how good he's doing comes up on my feed. I grieve him in a way I've never grieved another person I've never known because he was someone I wanted to be like when I grew up. Someone I looked up to. Obviously, that feeling has changed, but he was that person for me considering I didn't have that with my parents. I grieve his presence in my life more and more every day. I grieve over the fact that I don't come home from school and immediately go on twitch to see if he's live anymore. It kills me to not have that anymore.