Chapter Text
There's a root, somewhere in his head. He can't place where the root leads, the core of the problem, but he knows what the root is.
The root is Hasegawa Ken, the least annoying person in this place. No, that's not right, Ken is the most annoying person here. It just doesn't grate on his soul as much as other people do. He knows he'd take Ken over Ruiko anyday.
It stems from the moment he thought about it too much, maybe. About how Ken never prodded at his open wounds, how Ken tried his best to remember every facet of him, how Ken hoped like it was the most important thing in the world. It caused something to spark, and now that hope had infected him too. He's not particularly happy about it. He thinks Ken would be elated if he knew, and something twists in his chest.
Ken likes warmer light. Hell, Ken likes light. He still prefers warmer light over fluorescents, Kazutoshi knew that. He knew it because when they found lightbulbs in the storage room, Ken rifled around for thirty minutes before finding some specific sort of lights, and then changing every bulb in his room. He dragged Kazutoshi into his room that time, making him sit on his bed for some reason. He didn't particularly like it, but he stayed. Ken had smiled at him then, apologizing softly after he was done. Kazutoshi wanted to punch him. He gently kicked Ken's shins instead, laughing when Ken squawked.
They had to have this weird balance, when Ken needed someone there to keep his thoughts at bay, but Kazutoshi needed to be alone with his own thoughts. They'd sit somewhere outside of their rooms (he didn't ever want to sit in Ken's room for that long again), and not talk. He knows Ken stared at him then, wringing his hands together and keeping his shoulders too high. Ken used to apologize for those moments, but Kazutoshi thinks him snapping at Ken that one time in the laundry room stopped him from voicing it. The sorriness still permeated the way he held himself. He didn't like it. They were closer this time than they usually were, sitting in the library. Ken should've gotten a book. He kind of hates that he knows what makes Ken feel better. He kind of hates that Hasegawa Ken, the biggest nerd he'd ever known, who breathes a little too loud when he's focused on something (he was breathing too loud right now), knows how to make him feel better too. He sighed, slightly turning his head so he can see Ken. Who didn't look away, just slightly tilted his head. Like a fucking dog. Kazutoshi snorted at that, looking away as fast as he could. Dumbass. Oh god, Ken looked so stupid sometimes. Kazutoshi snorted again, covering his mouth this time. He was so fucking stupid.
The root grows with every minute detail he adds to his collection. Maybe this is how Ken remembered everything, just by deeming it important enough to remember. His chest twists more at the thought. It's illogical. Ken sometimes mumbles along as he reads. Ken has stars in his eyes when he talks about marine life. Ken has quiet moments unlike the others, where he wrings his hands together and stares at the floor. Ken hates when people don't listen to him, but he has an extremely difficult time speaking up. Ken worries him more than anyone else.
Ken is sitting in the library, a stack of books around him as he scribbled. He liked that devotion, that want to be responsible and know as much as possible. And Ken wanted to get a 9-5 when he was older, fuck off. He needed to kick the shit out of Ken's shins if he said that again. Doesn't have to worry about money and thinks about going into the most mind-numbing job possible, he needs to attack him or something. Or just tell him that he was really fucking stupid.
"Kazutoshi?" He almost jumped, he didn't realize he was staring. He really needs to keep that in check. He waltzed into the room, sitting next to Ken.
"What're you studying?" Ken stared at him for a second more, before turning back to the open book he had.
"Algebra? I think?"
"You think?"
"I didn't read the spine, I just saw 'mathematics' a-and took it." Kazutoshi huffed, trying to stomp his urge to smile down. It didn't work, it never worked with Ken.
"So you're just guessing that it's algebra because it's mathematics, got it."
"I- I mean, the problems are just- stuff taught in algebra. Look." Ken pushed the workbook over to him, flipping to a past page, now fully filled out with Ken's scribblings. Why did he solve them like this? He itched to fix them, but they all led to the right answer, there wasn't much point in fixing them. Kazutoshi huffed, quickly skimming and flipping through the rest of the pages before shutting the book completely and looking at the cover. Of course Ken was right.
"Do you want a pencil? I-I saw a book on Chemosynthesis and I don't really want to finish that one right now. You- You can redo all the problems, if you want." Kazutoshi slowly looked up at Ken, scanning his face. His chest twisted, but he nodded. And Ken pushed an unopened box of pens towards him, opening that new book and going back to what he liked. Kazutoshi hoped Ken didn't see him shakily take one out.
He thinks he's fine dying like this. With the knowledge that his every waking moment had a facet of Hasegawa Ken in it. He doesn't know what his life would be if he hadn't met Ken, but he can guess how it'd go. Now though... he doesn't know. There was always a quiet relief in his decisions, in the promise that at the end of it all, he'd finally choose the end. That feeling was replaced with too much. Replaced with a hope.
Ken was organic. He had habits and signs of life, a full flower. Ken could've probably told him which one, what meaning that was given to his life. Kazutoshi couldn't muster up much to prove that he depended on oxygen. The nighttime announcement went off a while ago, but he still hadn't gotten up, hadn't followed the implicit routine they've set up. He doesn't know if he could get up and properly breathe. Doesn't know if him getting up meant that he'd wilt. Ken wasn't writing anymore, tapping his fingers against his desk. Sometimes, when he got back to his room, his chest ached. He didn't particularly want everything to hurt right now, so he stayed. Pieces of him rotting near Ken. But... he wanted some sort of sunlight. He didn't want to die right now. So he sat up. He'd just say goodnight to Ken, and leave to rot in his own room. Ken didn't deserve it, didn't deserve to have to stare at a body. When he got up, slightly slower than he intended, he met Ken's eyes and something surged in his chest. He couldn't go back to his room. He- he couldn't leave right now. He needed- wanted something else, something that made him want to vomit. He wasn't going to act on that, but he didn't stop himself when he walked directly up to Ken, grabbed onto his sleeve, and gently pulled him. This was stupid, he was being so stupid, but he wanted the ache in his chest to just go away. He pulled him over to Ken's bed, Ken's bed which Ken always slept alone in (bar that one time), and pushed him to lay down. And Ken didn't question it, following Kazutoshi's wants. Because he was just like that. Because he didn't really mind when Kazutoshi climbed into the other side of the bed, and stared at him. Because Hasegawa Ken was stupid, and the only person in this hellhole stopping him from rotting.
One time, mildly delirious and his head too full, he wondered if Ken was the person attatched to his soul. Someone he was always destined to meet, the person who would show him the good to life and force him to look forward. That thought was like cold water being dumped on him, it was illogical. It was stupid. It was something that could ruin him, yet it was stuck in the back of his head.
He thinks the root is an issue. He's not going to say anything to Ken, that'd be illogical. That'd be stupid, worse than anything else he's done in his life. Because Ken was worth keeping. Because Ken had a crooked smile, because Ken thought about him, because Ken wasn't perfect, because Ken fought him on the stupidest things, because Ken was smart, and observant, and he was something so desperately precious to Kazutoshi that nothing else mattered, right now. Maybe they could talk about it in the future, when he knew Ken wouldn't look at him with disgust, or that he'd really, truly stay, but now... Now he was going to let the root slowly grow, and hope it didn't reach to every corner of his mind.