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Ray had failed. He had failed his mission, the mission, into the Air Force. This was more than getting a C on a test or not meeting the training time limit on the run around the neighborhood. He could feel Sir’s, his father’s, disappointment before telling him.
Ray had done everything correctly in the Air Force Academy until the underwater test. Under the water, he could feel the expectations holding him under. His anxiety had built up and come through the cracks and caused a full-blown anxiety attack.
The instructors had gotten Ray to the medics. A fast path to get disqualified.
At the time, Ray couldn’t remember why it was so important to get into the Air Force. He wanted to go back to the time he was only Ray and not Recruit Ray. He missed his best friend Cam and how he always felt more at ease with him.
Ray couldn’t remember when he had gotten his last letter from Cam. If it was yesterday or a week ago. Time passed differently at the academy. Not for the first time Ray thought that things would be different if Cam was here with him.
Then it hit him. The reason he was there. His mission.
This had been his chance to prove himself to the world. To prove that he would exceed his parents’ expectations. To prove that he was a man and not the scared boy who cracked under pressure.
Ray had worked hard to get there. All the hours after school of military preparation. All the weeks of military summer camp when he was younger. All the preparations and planning Sir had done to prepare him. All that, wasted, because Ray couldn’t keep a levelled head under stress. He could have spent the time being with Cam.
***
The sun set on the horizon as Ray steered the truck down the road; away from the Air Force Academy; towards home.
Ray considered sending the news in a letter instead of facing Sir. Drive to Cam’s house instead of home. Ms. Cope, not Mrs. Cope, always lets him stay over. Half of the time she didn’t even notice that he nor her sons were there because of one or another reason.
Ray cracked, just a little bit, under the pressure of expectations, and lied once he got home. A final moment's decision. It didn't matter how much he had gone through in the Air Force Academy. How much he had changed. He still was the son who couldn’t disappoint Sir. He wanted to be the son who hadn’t cracked under stress; the son who wasn’t a lost cause.
“Sir, I was discharged because of my eyes. It was for a medical reason. There was nothing I could have done to change their decision.”
Ray felt the disappointment coming from Sir. From now on, his mistake at the Air Force Academy would define their relationship.
Ray should have felt lighter, but he didn’t. Even though he had a reason, a lie, for not joining the Air Force. Getting kicked out of the Air Force would be lingering in the background.
Ray called Cam the next day and told him the news. He lied once again.
“Oh, I’m sorry. How are you feeling?” Cam asked. There was a hint of relief in his voice.
“I’m okay,” Ray answered. He was not okay.
“Are you sure about that?” There was a pause. “You should come over. We can watch Golden Girls or anything else. Your choice. Even that movie… What was it called? It doesn’t matter. We can rent it and get snacks downtown,” Cam said, all feelings, dramatics, and sympathy. The complete opposite from Sir. For the first time Ray felt like he had truly come home.
It did not ease the discomfort of lying to Cam. The discomfort worsened. Sir… He could bring himself to lie to. He didn’t want to be more of a disappointment than he already was. But lying to Cam was a different matter.
His best friend, who he had known since he was 10 at summer camp. The last summer before military camp. The summer he befriended the boy who sat at the craft table close to the radio that played Celine Dion. Spots with glitter that Cam always somehow managed to get in his hair from all the cards he created. Cards for every occasion and everyone Cam knew. Get well cards, birthday cards, cards to his past teachers (more teachers than Ray could keep track of as Cam moved a lot), and of course cards to his neighbors’ dog. As well as the dog’s owner, who used to babysit Cam and his brother.
Cam stood up for others when he saw something wasn’t right, but he always ran away when it came to himself. Ray learned rather quickly that he had to stand up for them both if they were going to survive summer camp without having to hide.
Unlike Ray, Cam didn’t let the mean comments get to him nor did he throw a punch when the situation escalated. Cam didn’t appear to let the hurtful comments from the other boys discourage him from continuing using glitter on cards and all the other artwork he created. He wouldn’t let it change him.
“Glittery Fairy Princess”, “Pussy”, and “Faggy” become an everyday slur. Ray and some of the meaner boys displayed bruises from the fights and shout matches that occurred after every insult. Ray had not gone to a non-military camp to fight anyone who dared to fight him but if you asked him if it was worth it he would say yes, every time.
“You need to be more careful Ray. You can’t continue to fight them like this,” Cam said, cleaning one of Ray’s bruises by the boy’s bathroom stalls. The cotton and antiseptic stung on his forearm.
“Are you going to then,” Ray said back, harsher than intended. Cam opened his mouth to answer but closed it again. “Thought so.” Ray left, Cam trailed after.
It was only when they picked on Ray or any other helpless child that Cam pushed back.
Once there had been a group of boys who had cornered Ray for a fight. Cam had run and clutched to one of the older and larger boys to disperse the group. Cam had ended up with a black eye and swollen lip.
The camp leaders had then (not for the first but it was a rarity) got involved because how could the most well-behaved boy have gotten this injured, which had caused a whole group of boys getting into trouble. The other fight usually came under the radar, as “boys will be boys”.
They even called their parents. Ms. Cope hadn’t been reachable, and Sir had asked if Ray had won the fight.
“Of course, the Glittery Fairy Princes and his Army Brat Prince would get extra better treatment from the adults,” one of the older boys said.
This did not help Cam’s, nor Ray’s, for that matter, popularity. Not that it was particularly high to begin with.
Cam’s unwillingness to change and Ray's determination to stay with his new friend made them a separate duo from the other children for the rest of the summer.
The cards nor the bullies of summer camp weren’t important, not really. What was important was that Ray forgot all about the expectations his parents put on him while being with Cam.
At the end of summer camp that year, Cam insisted that they should be ‘letter’ friends and send each other letters. Ray got a lot of cards with letters after that, and Cam became his best friend and one of the most important people in his life.
They would write almost anything and everything about themselves in their letters that they wrote over the years. Except for the topic that Ray couldn’t bring up. The fact that he has higher expectations on him every year. That he needed to be perfect. And that he started to become afraid of his own failure.
He couldn’t put this on Cam’s shoulders. Not when Cam had to deal with much worse things, like bullies on the daily and being afraid that his secret of being gay would come out before he was ready. A secret Cam had only disclosed to Ray in one of his letters that looked more like an essay than anything else. Cam had even told him to get rid of that ‘coming out’ letter after he read it.
The worst part was that Ray couldn’t do anything about the bullies while Cam lived on the other side of the country.
Then, in high school, Ms. Cope decided for a new start, again, and moved to Ray's neighborhood.
Maybe it was the first time that Ray saw the closed off boy the years had turned Cam into. He was still Cam, but he didn’t show his personality as openly as he did at summer camp all those years ago. Nor was he as happy and carefree as he was when it was only the two of them or in the words written in his artistically crafted letters.
“I need to re-invent myself Ray,” Cam had said as a matter of fact when Ray had asked about it. “I need to find my place in this high school without being the ‘Glitter Fairy Princess.” Cam left it at that and put on his music shielding himself from the outside world.
Even then, the bullying continued.
Ray would set a stop to it whenever he was near. It helped that he had already a good reputation and was one of the school’s star jocks. Though there was only so much he could do. It came to a point that the bullies didn’t even try when Ray was present, yet they found more than enough opportunities for their antics.
“Don’t worry too much Ray. The bullies are a pain, and are in deep need of more brain cells, but the bullying isn’t at all that bad. Not compared to other schools. Thank you for sticking up for me.”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I Cam?” Ray answered. “You can’t keep letting them walk right over you.”
Life wouldn’t get any easier.
That was true, even to this day. For Cam hadn’t still learned how to protect himself from the people who pushed his head into the toilet water.
Ray told himself, for that reason, he couldn’t tell Cam the truth. He couldn’t tell him about his increased anxiety attacks. He couldn’t let himself be seen as weak. He had to be strong for them both.
***
Cam gave Ray a hug as soon as he got out of his truck and pushed a card into his hand. A Welcome Home card. The letters were drawn out in an artistic way, displaying more art than words. Cam didn’t make as many cards anymore as he grew older, yet Cam always found the right opportunity for having one at hand.
Cam held his promise. They watched something other than Golden Girls. As Ray spent more time with Cam he started to remember the time before the Air Force Academy. He felt more like his old self and not the man he started to turn into.
As usual the pressure and expectations on his life’s mission left his shoulders, just a bit, the more time he spent with Cam. As if he were a normal boy not preparing to go into war. Ray was always the better version of himself when he was with Cam.
***
Hi Cam,
I lied. I didn’t get disqualified because of my eyesight. I got kicked out because I had an anxiety attack while training. They couldn’t chance it happening out on the field. The truth is that I have anxiety attacks from time to time. They have gotten worse over the years.
Ray looked at it once over. It was short and to the point. Nothing like Cam’s coming out letter. Ray scrunched the paper into a ball and threw it into the trashcan.
Mom showed some sympathy. Almost happy that he had failed and was home again.
At dinner, she brought up the possibility to apply to college now that he is not going into the Air Force.
“There are some good colleges and universities we can afford to send you to. If you apply now you could get in next semester. You have good grades; you don’t need to have the Air Force Academy on your resume. There might even still be possibilities to get a scholarship.”
Sir didn’t like the idea, shown on his sour looking expression, but he stayed silent.
A couple of days later, Ray found the Marine Corp template on his desk.
The Marine Corp. No excuses, only pass or fail. His life mission weighed once again heavy on his shoulders.
Then he read it, in the corner of the template stood ‘buddy system’. Ray wouldn’t have any anxiety attacks with Cam there. Cam always brought the best out of him. The calm anxiety-free Ray.
Cam wouldn’t survive a day at boot camp, Ray thought. I can protect him; I can protect us both.
No, he couldn’t. What was he thinking? Maybe this would be good for them both? An opportunity for Cam to learn how to stand up for himself.
It was illegal for Cam to join the army, which was the next reason why this was a terrible idea. Cam may not be out and proud, but he could as well have a sign over him that stood, I’m not the normal typical straight man society wanted me to be.
It wouldn’t hurt to ask.
Ray asked in the end. It might have been the most selfish thing he had ever done. He couldn’t bring himself to correct Cam that this would not be like summer camp. He did however tell him to Watch Full Metal Jacket. Of course, as he learned later, Cam watched Golden Girls instead.