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When Tyler was at his lowest he always had that pounding thought that this was it, he was never coming back from this. It was impossible to imagine being okay ever again let alone what being okay felt like. Those times where he didn't have a suffocating weight on his chest seemed like a second life he had lived, impossible to grasp or return to. Tyler could deal with that weight though; he was emptied of nothing but bones and his ribs cracked under the weight. Empty was the only kind of word he could find to explain himself. Emptied and numb and a shell.
It was hard for hold onto the fact that there was a world outside of his bedroom. That his life didn't start and end in this dark, humid room. That outside somewhere people were having coffee dates together and driving their kids to school. It was a weird kind of reality that Tyler didn't feel like he had a place in.
There was a buzz from the floor and Tyler pulled the bed cover over his face out of habit, he couldn't talk to anyone right now. If he did he felt like he'd either have to pretend that he was fine and 'haha don't worry man i'm just down with the flu' or actually admit to someone that he'd be dead right now if he could find the motivation to do so.
That was a strange feeling for Tyler. Almost like being trapped between not wanting to participate in life but not wanting to take himself out of it either. A limbo that existed in his bed. Maybe if he stayed in it long enough he'd be forgotten. Maybe he'd forget about the itch on his bumpy thighs eventually too. Maybe.
His phone buzzed again, the light from the screen illuminating the room. Tyler stared at it.
And then he rolled onto his other side to face the wall and fell back asleep because it was all he could do to stop himself from picking the phone up. Pathetic.
Tyler was glad he lived on his own. He could wander in and out of the kitchen for food before remembering he hadn't done the groceries in at least a week and lie on the couch for an hour picking at the carpet. No one could make him feel awkward and gross for it if no one knew he was doing it. No one could tell him off for not showering in a while either. He felt gross about that part already.
At one point all of the mirrors in the apartment had been covered. He couldn't handle how much heavier the weight he carried became when he looked at his reflection. It was a pathetic and pitiful feeling that surged through his chest whenever it happened, a reminder of what rock bottom looked like.
He already felt self conscious enough in the sweatpants he'd been wearing for days and the blanket he felt he had to wear whenever he left his room.
The calendar on his kitchen wall showed that he'd missed a psychologist appointment, he ducked his had and pretended he hadn't seen that. No point in feeling bad over something he couldn't help. Tyler shuffled back into bed.
Tyler wasn't sure what day it was when he heard a knocking on his front door. Rolling onto his back, he stared at the ceiling and hoped whoever it was would leave soon. They didn't and when Tyler heard his door being unlocked he turned to face the wall and buried himself in his blankets. Worthless.
"Tyler?" It was Josh. His voice sounded worried and Tyler could hear his foot steps as he walked into the kitchen and then the lounge room.
There was another knock, this time on the bedroom door. Josh called out Tyler's name again with no response. He opened the door anyway.
Tyler felt infinitely worse now that another person was here, witnessing Tyler's attempt at appeasing his suicidal tendencies by simply giving up.
A dip appeared in Tyler's bed as Josh sat down next to the buried lump that was currently trying to pretend he was asleep. Tyler wanted to melt into his sheets, he wanted to find a nice patch of ground to dig a hole for himself, he wanted to do anything but exist. Disgusting.
"I know you're awake," Josh said. He put his hand on what he assumed was Tyler's arm.
It was silent for a while until Josh got up and left the room, Tyler heard his shower turn on and foot steps coming back towards his bedroom. His door creaked.
"You'll feel better after you shower." Tyler didn't move. "Just do this one thing and you'll have had a productive day."
It was obvious Josh wasn't going to move until he got up so Tyler slowly lifted himself up, fighting the urge to let his head drop back onto the pillow. He dragged himself up, wrapping his arms self consciously around himself. His feet had barely moved before Josh was wrapping his arms around Tyler, kissing the top of his head.
"Don't, my hair is gross." His voice was scratchy and he winced at it before removing his arms from his sides to return the hug. Josh laughed slightly, the air from his nose felt funny on Tyler's head.
"I'll kiss your gross hair if I want man," Josh pulled back from his hug. "Come on, let's get you into the shower."
It was a long process, Tyler stared at himself in the bathroom mirror for at least five minutes. He hadn't covered it up since he hadn't even entered his bathroom for a week. Brushing his teeth seemed like the first thing to do. His mouth felt gross and stale after ignoring his own hygiene for so long, Tyler was too lethargic to feel ashamed.
Showering was good. Tyler felt like he could breathe a little easier when he held his head under the cold water, washing his hair and scrubbing his face. It was difficult not to space out and sit on the shower floor, to actually finish showering and get out. He wondered how long it would take for Josh to realise he'd ended up lying on the floor in nothing but a towel but Tyler pushed himself to change into the clothes that had been left by the door.
Josh had left the apartment while Tyler was showering and returned with two pizzas, Tyler's stomach involuntarily growled as he watched his boyfriend walk into the kitchen with the boxes from the couch.
"I was gonna ask if you were hungry but guess I already got my answer." Josh smiled at Tyler. He liked that Josh didn't act condescendingly or look at Tyler with the sympathetic eyes of someone who didn't fully understand. It wasn't as though Josh understood how Tyler was feeling but it was that he didn't try or pretend to, Tyler didn't always understand Josh's problems either and that was okay to him.
The boxes of pizza were brought over to the couch along with cups of water. Tyler moved his feet to make room for Josh.
"We can just watch a movie if you want," Josh said. He put his feet on Tyler's lap and dragged a blanket off of the floor for them.
Tyler could still feel that weight, pushing down onto him, crushing his ribs. It was easier to manage when Josh was around though. He'd come back from this. Slowly.
He nodded before picking up a pizza slice. "A movie sounds nice."