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All the guests were gone. Even if the celebration with the feast was called off, they were well fed with gossip and drama, which apparently was enough for them to move on.
Leaving the Ascot house through that pompous big door has always felt unpleasant, even threatening in a way, therefore Alice wandered further towards the library which had a glass door leading to the picturesque greenery which surrounded the mighty manor. This time her eyes didn’t observe the horse-chestnut trees, the rich-neatly cut bushes nor the white roses which Lady Ascot would have loved to change to red ones. No. Her eyes were now resting on the boy -more precisely, young man- who was almost born on the same day as her. Now he was down in the mouth as he was sitting on the marble stairs.
It has always been so easy and came natural to say anything to Hamish yet now Alice noticed it took great effort to say anything, as if she had heavy pebbles on her tongue, and a stone on her chest. “I’d not like to leave on bad terms with you. We have known each other since we were kids.” She couldn’t forget all those weekends she had spent at the Ascots, nor those rare occasions when the boy stayed over at their house, although Alice much preferred Hamish’s Manor because of the vast garden.
“....Yet it didn’t stop you from humiliating me in front of all the guests…and I’m not only talking about the engagement…you just felt the urge to let everyone know about…you know what.” Hamish sounded genuinely sad, as if he was fighting with his tears and now that she has calmed down after her adventures, guilt began to spread inside her, because of what she has done to her friend.
Alice took one step closer and sat down beside the redhead who still avoided looking at her. “It was uncalled for and insensitive of me to treat the situation the way I did…but you cannot really blame me, I just finished slaying the Jabberwocky! I was still overly filled with the thrill of the battle…and I may have said things that I regret now.” Rejecting the proposal wasn’t something she considered as wrong, but mockingly letting everyone know about Hamish’s digestive problems was honestly unnecessary and cruel if she thought more about it. She wasn’t even frustrated with her then future fiancé but with the pressuring situation and the expectation of their families.
“If all you can say is unimaginable nonsense then you shouldn’t waste your time on speaking to me…Why are you even still here?” The initial sadness of his voice was now back to its usual somewhat arrogant and frustrated tone.
“Because you’re my friend…my only friend…in THIS world…” Hamish flinched and grimaced as Alice so naturally snuggled to him and wrapped her arms around him as if it’d not have been absolutely unacceptable behaviour of an unmarried girl. However, all the guests were gone and as they weren’t in plain sight of his parents he let her hold him. Even if she hurt him so tremendously he couldn’t deny that it felt nice to have her head resting on his shoulder, to feel her thin arms wrapped around him.
“What on Earth do you mean by ‘on this world’, Alice?” He crinkled his hawk-like nose. “Please don’t come with that nonsense you used to talk my ears off about that imaginary world of yours.” Alice didn’t say anything, but the small sigh leaving her lips was more than thousands of words, especially for someone, like Hamish, who knew her so well, for many years. Instead of mocking her any further he decided upon saying something about her statement in connection with friends. “Truth be told, you’re my only friend too.”
A small snicker left the blonde girl’s mouth before she looked up at Hamish. “You have hordes of friends, Hamish.” As she now looked at his pallid face she suddenly felt terrible upon seeing the redness around his eyes. He’s been crying earlier on, and she was the reason behind it. Her ignorance and insolence. Oh Alice, you stupid girl! She has chided herself in her head.
“Those are just the sons and daughters of my father’s business associates or acquaintances. Don’t think I don’t know what they call me behind my back…carrot-top, string bean, weak chinned, bucktooth…..And now thanks to you they’ll certainly come up with some clever names for my stomach problems as well.”
"All those are lies...you're neither of those things...you've always been handsome, Hamish." Alice never called him on any pejorative names, and she was greatly angered to find out his fake friends did. She straightened her back and rested one hand on Hamish’s knee although he wasn’t approving of her closeness but with Alice he felt like it was useless to lecture her on etiquette because it was in one ear then out the other. “Do you know what I think? You should dwell on such crude comments only on the 30th of February!”
“But…Alice…” The realization soon hit him and he snorted before he gently patted the girl’s hand resting on his right knee. “You’re a silly girl.”
“I’d rather be called silly than boring.” Her heart skipped a beat as she felt Hamish’s palm on top of her hand. It was humid and cold, a familiar feeling, so she knew Hamish was in a nervous state of mind.
“Is that what I am to you?” His question truly saddened her. Their friendship was never smooth but deep down Alice felt so blessed that she grew up with him instead of being on her own, or being sent away to some girls only boarding school.
“No! You never were.”
“Really?”
“Just because you see the world differently than I do, it doesn’t make you boring. I loved every week and weekend I have spent here…I was looking forward to those days.”
“I was too….more than you could imagine.” His voice was faint and now that Alice noticed him nervously fumbling with his fingers, she gently put her right hand on top of them.
“I thought that I was annoying you.”
“You usually drove me mad, but you always brought color, fun and mischief into my life…on those days I had the luxury of being carefree and young. Free from all the expectations.”
“In a way I truly admire you. You’re precisely aware of who you are and what you want. I still haven’t quite figured that out yet…it changes every single day.” Alice hesitantly hugged him then inhaled and smiled upon the whiff of Hamish’s smell of the lavender soap he used. But not only that. She loved that natural scent of Hamish ever since they were little. She often found other kids or later on teens having an unpleasant odor, but not her Hamish.
“Alice…don’t do this.”
“Don’t do what?” She asked it in a playful tone while she brushed her nosetip against his cheek.
“This….we’re not kids anymore…and when you do things like this…” Hamish eventually unfolded her arms off him and he stood up from the stairs. “You turned down my proposal…so you have no reason at all to show any form of affection. Adults only do such things when they’re in love aan…and married.”
“But what if I am in love?” She blurted it out without giving it a second thought.
“Alice…why are you fooling around with me like this? I had real feelings for you, but all of this is just another game for you and I want to have none of it. I won’t be a fool, longing for someone I cannot have. I have dignity, Alice…you can’t just toy with me like this.”
“I never knew you were longing for me.” Alice whispered then after some hesitation she eventually stayed where she was, only with the difference that she stood up and was looking at Hamish’s back. “When in doubt, remain silent…That is what you said.” As their eyes met Alice’s voice quietened down a bit. “You can rightfully judge me and say that I am scatterbrained, but I remember everything you’ve ever said to me.” She held a short pause before she’d have continued. “But the truth is I am in doubt and I do not wish to stay silent…I want to share everything that I’m feeling for you…because who else would I tell them to?”
“I’m not so sure I want to listen to them. I’m not even sure I want you to be here. I shouldn’t be speaking to you. You have humiliated me in front of everyone. They’ll be laughing at me, gossiping about me for months to come!” Hamish snapped at her before he turned his back at her again, clenching his fists which again was something Alice was familiar with, what he did whenever something really angered him.
Alice’s voice was small now, like a little mouse’s, as she truly felt ashamed of the way she had dealt with the entire engagement party, which surely could have been handled more delicately. “I wish I could turn back time.”
“You can’t run away from the consequences of your actions. And you cannot turn back time, just like you cannot enter stupid made up worlds.”
Every step was difficult to take, not physically but out of the fear that Hamish would leave. But he was still there even when Alice stopped right behind him. “I was scared…I am scared…we have barely even lived yet…and they wanted to force us into a marriage…all those responsibilities…duties…raising a child….I’m not ready for all that, and I don’t think you are either. We are so young, Hamish…” She slowly slipped her hand into Hamish’s palm, her heart began to beat fast as he didn’t push her away. “Come with me on the Wonder. We’d have amazing adventures together, we’d see the whole world, Hamish…Just you and I!” She gently fondled his hand then watched as he eventually turned around and cupped her hand in between his. “I know you Hamish, almost as well as I know myself, and I am quite certain that deep down you’re just as curious about the world as I am.”
“Alice. Even if just a little part of me would love to go with you, I simply cannot. I have a status. I will once be the head of my father’s business. I have to live up to my parents’ expectations. They taught me well, I have to act according to my class…I cannot just throw this all out the window to run away with you on some foolish adventure. We may be young but we’re adults. Grow up, Alice…The later you accept that you have to, the more it’ll hurt.”
His words, although were most polite, in no time resulted in some fat teardrops rolling down on Alice’s pale face. He saw right through her. He knew her just as much as she knew him. Deep down she didn’t want to grow up, she didn’t want any of the cruel reality of Hamish’s world. Although his last few words frightened her because even if she had been in denial, something told her that he was right. “Can I…still tell you how I feel about you?”
Hamish stepped closer to her, towering above Alice’s petite form with his height. “I think you’ve made it quite obvious what your feelings are today. Did you not? I’ve heard enough…” Hamish’s voice wasn’t harsh, on the contrary he spoke softly. He hesitated for a moment upon seeing Alice’s tearful face, but eventually he gently placed his hand onto her upper arm. He pulled his hand back the moment Alice winced, and just for a moment he looked with puzzlement at the fresh claw marks on her skin, which certainly was caused by something bigger than a cat. Although he soon cast his eyes back at her. “Go home…Miss Kingsleigh.”
A soft gasp left her lips. Her eyes were suddenly filled with so much more tears that she only saw a ginger blur. Miss Kingsleigh? She was always ‘Alice’ to him when it was the two of them. She shuddered as his hand slipped off of her upper arm and without saying anything else to her he went back inside the Ascot Mansion. She’s been there foolishly hoping and wishing for him to come back, but he did not. Once she grabbed onto the ends of her heavy dress she ran across the vast field, sniffling as the tears wouldn’t stop coming. She wasn’t one to cry, nor waste time with self-pity but this was too much to handle, probably because she’s under-estimated her feelings for Hamish.
The chairs were set aside, no guests, and then she only stopped once she made it to the beautiful gazebo. She held tightly onto one of its poles. A painful shriek left her lips which was followed by the kind of sobbing which she thought would never end. “I think…I do love him…in…in my own…in my own silly way.” She muttered it to herself while she was in such deep pain as if her heart was just torn apart into a million pieces. She slowly slipped onto her bum, her slim body shaking from the heavy crying.
“My darling…here you are.” Alice only cried more when she heard her mother not feeling any better, not even when she sat down beside her and hugged her to herself. Because she simply didn’t want her to see her in such a state. “What’s the matter darling?”
“I lost him, mother. I lost him for good.” She whispered in a veiled voice, the last word barely comprehensible as she broke out into more tears.
“I thought you didn’t like him. You usually made a fuss whenever I brought you here.”
“But I do like him…” Alice wiped her tears away, with her dress, before she looked at her mother. “...I think I love him…or at least that’s how I feel right now…at this moment.”
“Did you speak to Hamish?” Her mother asked with a tired sigh.
“I did…but…he wants to hear none of it. I doubt he has any feelings left for me. He called me Miss Kingsleigh!”
“However we look at it, you humiliated him publicly, darling. Give him some time and he may come around….Alice…you could stay…You know what I think of your plans. You should settle and marry, not chase such foolish and dangerous things like that journey on the Wonder.”
“I won’t give up on my dreams! I’ve already made a deal with Lord Ascot…father would have approved…and I do want to leave on the Wonder…to explore the world.” Alice fumbled with her fingerless gloves as she looked down at her dirty dress’ bottom. “Deep down…I thought…Hamish may come with me…but I was wrong. Apparently I don’t know him as well as I thought I do.” She yanked the gloves off and they accidentally landed on a snail. “Oh no…hope I didn’t startle you…” She was quick to put them aside and ignored her mother’s disapproving sigh once she picked the snail up and gently stroked its house. “I don’t want to marry him nor anyone else. I have the right to freedom even if that is not what’s expected of me…but I grew up with him…I thought we have a strong bond…an unbreakable one…” She gently put the snail down onto the greenery before she wiped her tears up and looked aside at her mother.
“Alice. If you leave he will marry someone else.”
“Then I will wish him nothing but happiness, mother.”
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Everyone was there at the embarking of the Wonder…everyone who mattered, except for him . Her eyes ran along the gathered small group of people, even scanning the crowd further in case she’d see those red locks, but there was no sight of him. It was most foolish of her to expect him to come. Hamish has always been proud, and Alice knew that she didn’t just humiliate but greatly offended him. Truly she didn’t mean to, he’d have been the last person she has meant to hurt, and now she has deeply regretted doing so. As she was looking at the wooden gangway a small part of her mind played with the idea of running down on it back to the shore, shocking everyone, then take the first carriage back to the Ascot Mansion and then kiss Hamish so passionately that he’d forget about all the stupid etiquette and rules and he’d finally be truly alive, but as the salty breeze filled with all the promises of adventures and most curious future has penetrated her nostrils she has slowly let go of the lingering memory of Hamish. But she allowed her thoughts to travel back to the past just for a couple of minutes.
She closed her eyes down for a moment recalling those times when the two of them were lying next to each other as kids on a blanket with a huge parasol stuck in the ground beside them. Lady Ascot has always been overly protective of her son. Hamish usually either had a book or an abacus with him, but Alice never allowed him to study for too long, and because of her stubbornness they ended up doing whatever she had in mind. Playing tag or hide and seek in the vast maze-like garden. Making up stories while they were skipping pebbles in a pond. Alice read from her favorite fairy tales whenever Hamish had to stay in bed because of his stomach pains.
And then that last summer. That awfully hot summer afternoon. Alice managed to lure Hamish out to the garden which was like a personal triumph for her because as Hamish grew older he began to become just as stubborn as her and it was becoming a challenge to make him do certain things. He was walking up and down reciting some Latin conjugation which was just gibberish to her ears. Meanwhile she was hanging upside down from a big branch of the tree. While other men would have been shocked by such behaviour Hamish wasn’t the slightest disturbed by it. Then her left boot got stuck and that’s how she ended up falling right on top of Hamish. She had him pinned under her and while he was fuming she felt something peculiar. Something she hasn’t before. Soon Hamish turned silent too, their crimson cheeks mirroring each other. Those soft lips of Hamish suddenly seemed inviting, and she had an unexplainable urge to kiss them. Their lips were inches from each other, while they couldn’t stop staring at each other. If only Lady Ascot wouldn’t have called for them…if only that kiss would have happened… then maybe things would have ended up differently for them.
As the gateway was now moved Alice stirred back to reality for the noise and opened her eyes, looking ahead at the horizon which had all the promise of a brand new world with countless adventures all waiting for her to explore. She wouldn’t have given up on them, not even for a beautiful pair of teal blue eyes. “Goodbye Hamish.” She whispered before she truly left every feeling behind in England, in connection with Hamish Ascot.