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Life had been so perfect lately.
Completely ideal, really. Fully and truly everything that Kevin could expect and or want from it. His scars had all but healed and when he could feel them it was as just the gentlest of tuggings on the sides of his face. He could sometimes go out to the grocery store or out for coffee, even alone sometimes. When Carlos and Cecil left for a walk he just turned on the TV real loud and stayed on the couch until they came back. Sometimes he even made himself a snack, and he was doing just fine. Most of all, he hadn’t regressed in almost a year.
So why was he digging through his toybox now, looking for his paci while chewing on his thumb and wanting to cry his eyes out?
Carlos heard the scuffle, of course he did, and he walked in and his eyes looked tireder than usual and his hair was all frazzled at the edges and Kevin ran to him and threw his arms around him. Carlos always told him it was okay to cry and always reminded him that crying was normal and he was allowed to do it, so Kevin did and started bawling into his lab coat and like he always did, Carlos gave him the biggest hug and let him sob and sniffle until he could do words again.
“Hey, buddy.” Carlos said in that voice that he only really used when Kevin was small and Kevin wasn’t small right now because he hadn’t been in a while so he shouldn’t use that voice. (Kevin didn’t complain, though. Maybe he missed it a little, just a little.)
Kevin only whimpered into his side and let Carlos decipher it. Of course he could, of course he did, Carlos was the best.
“I know. There’s a lot of changes now, hey?”
Kevin nodded a whole bunch of times.
“And we talked about them, right?”
Kevin hesitated. Then he nodded once. Just once.
“But they can still be scary and unfamiliar when they happen.”
“I don’…” Kevin said, not knowing how to finish his sentence so he just nodded once more. “Yeah…”
He stepped back and wiped his face and Carlos pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket that was always there these days and wiped away Kevin’s tears and blew his nose with it.
“Do you need your paci? Do you want me to find one for you?”
Kevin realized his thumb was in his mouth again and he nodded. Carlos went to his closet and pulled down his basket- right, he had forgotten about the basket- and gave him his favourite paci, the yellow one with the fox sticker on it and the little alphabet beads spelling out HOPE IS IT THE THING WE LOVE THE MOST OR POSSIBLY THE THING WE HATE THAT HIDES UNDER OUR BED AND WAITS FOR US CRADLING US AT THE LAST MOMENT WHEN THE THINGS WE LOVE THE MOST HAVE RETURNED TO DUST, which was his favourite Emily Dickenson poem.
He stuck it in his mouth and hated to admit it, but he did feel better. “Fankyoo.” He said around it and Carlos only smiled that smile that always made him feel better.
And then, the crying from outside.
Carlos looked up with a big deep breath in and they both heard Cecil’s voice, telling a story to the source of the tears, some story about the new Waterfront Recreation Centre project that he had read out on the radio a day or two before. The crying slowly stopped and Carlos’s attention returned to Kevin.
“Do you want to play with some of your toys?” Carlos asked gently, “I can take out your dinos, or your crayons if you want to colour.”
“Is okay.” Kevin said miserably, sitting on the edge of his bed. He had taken Buddy Bear from the corner of his bed and had his arms wrapped around it, head resting on top of the bear’s head, right between the third set of ears. “You go see the baby.”
“Are you sure?” Carlos asked.
Kevin nodded again and Carlos patted his knee appreciatively. “Alright, I’ll be back in a few minutes.” He said. “Come out and find me if you need me?”
Kevin nodded again and Carlos walked out the door and Kevin buried his head in Buddy Bear’s fur and let himself frown again, relaxing the muscles in his face in a way he was sure he wasn’t getting quite right.
He knew he was being selfish. He made a pact to himself to never bother them ever ever again and to never need to regress again and this was just a one time thing that he was going to get over and never do again.
He lasted a day and a half before he was doodling at the kitchen island and Cecil came by and ruffled his hair, mussing the white curls and then going to Esteban’s bottle warmer and asking quite innocently if Kevin wanted one too.
“Huh?” Kevin asked.
“There’s still some soymilk in the fridge if you want some.” Cecil said. His voice sounded tired and his eyes looked tired and Kevin knew that the new baby had been waking him up all through the night because he heard the crying.
“I don need milk.” Kevin said, grumpily like grumpy bear. Then he remembered that Cecil and Carlos got tireder when he was in a bad mood so he smiled like he was taught, and then he remembered that they got more upset when he smiled like that and really, he couldn’t win, could he?
“Are you sure?”
Kevin traced the marble of the table with his fingernail. “No….” he said.
“How about I make you one, and then if you don’t want it you don’t need to drink it?”
Kevin nodded slowly and Cece- Cecil did so and he gave up and ended up drinking the bottle as Cecil left, holding onto the handles. It had a little fox out front. It was nice to be a little fox, sometimes, but no! No, he couldn’t any more, he was doing so good and if he regressed, would he hurt anyone again? It was so hard to disentangle the bad feelings that caused his smallness from the good feelings it brought. No, it was all a mess and he didn’t know what shape his expression should take to help him.
The milk was nice, though, warmed just the way he liked it, and if tears ran down his face as he sat all scrunched up on the island chair then he would never admit it.
The kid was the problem, definitely.
Kevin knew that was wrong and not true and that he was the problem. He couldn’t help but cover his ears every time he heard those cries though and his heart ached in sympathy every time he heard Cece or Lolo talking and rocking and comforting and consoling and more than anything he felt jealous, too. Jealous that this new little creature they had taken home was gonna have the life Kevin had always wanted.
That was it, wasn’t it?
And now that they had a real family, would Kevin be pushed to the side? He scrambled out of bed where he was laying, feet through his socks feeling the fluffy sunshine rug that they had bought him, and grabbed all his teddies from his toy chest. All his care bears, all his my little pony stuffies and his foxes and the big teddy bear that Carlos had won for him from the fair using Science and he took them to his bed and lay in a pile of them and covered his eyes and frowned into his hands. Frowned really big, like a full on Frown Night frown, a frown so sad it rivaled his happiest smile. A big growly frown that showed he was very unhappy.
Nobody came in. Of course they didn’t, he hadn’t asked them to come in and he really didn’t want Cecil to come read him a story or Carlos to make him another bottle or them to kiss him on the forehead and tuck him. They’d be so tired if they had to wake up to comfort him too.
The baby was crying again. The big trouble baby that Kevin did not like and tried to keep away from. He hadn’t even really seen Esteban yet, had run into his room the first time they brought him home and tried not to be in the living room during tummy time. He sometimes took a little peek into his crib when he was sleeping, but then ran away and he didn’t know why.
Carlos was trying to comfort the baby this time. Kevin could hear what he was saying if he stayed very still and quiet.
“-Learn to just cry more, that’s what the books said.”
Cecil was there too, talking.
“Awh, come on Poot. One night won’t be the end of the world.”
Fussing from the monster trouble baby, then Carlos.
“Okayyy.”
“Who’s my lil bon bon? Hm? My little bon bon monster? My little sleepy guy? ”
Foosteps, their door closing. Kevin hugged Buddy Bear closer to him and buried his face in the softness of his head and sniffled. He was still frowning and it kind of made him feel better.
He knew why he had never stayed around Esteban for too long. He knew what happened to delicate things when he got too close, and he was just so damn small. Kevin could barely handle being around himself without hurting anybody. He didn’t want to hurt Esteban, the thought of it brought him close to tears, but he had hurt so many people and could he ever come back from that? How could him and his messed up brain and his messed up face and his words that never came out the way he wanted them to possibly do anything but scare this newly minted lifeform?
When he got out of bed, dragging Buddy Bear and a blankie behind him, he didn’t realize what he was doing until he opened the door to the master bedroom and stepped inside, socks treading on the floor that glowed softly where he stepped, a side effect of some chemical spill Carlos had in there long ago.
He saw them all curled and twisted up in blankets on the bed. Carlos wrapped up in most of the blankets and Cecil with his limbs wildly flung out in all different directions and right in the middle, Esteban in little teddy bear footie pajamas. A perfect family.
Carlos stirred, opened his eyes to see Kevin, clutching his blankie close to him and trying not to cry. Kevin knew how out of place he must seem. Gangly and uncertain, all jagged edges and not knowing normal and exhaustion and problems.
“Hey, sweetie.” Carlos whispered. “Are you okay?”
Kevin hesitated, then shook his head, sniffing.
“Do you wanna talk, sweetheart?”
He shook his head again.
“Do you wanna come sleep here?” Carlos asked.
Kevin hesitated again for a long second, then bit his lip and nodded a lot and felt himself letting go of all of his big sad worried thoughts and crawling into bed and really barely fitting on the mattress with the rest of them but Carlos moved his legs and Kevin had a perfect little space curled up with his forehead pressed against Carlos’s chest and with a warm blanket wrapped over him. He didn’t look at the baby, just tried to pretend everything was as it was before.
Carlos hugged him and kindly didn’t say anything when Kevin sniffled more and maybe cried a little bit. All the big complicated emotions had settled in one huge feeling of exhaustion and Kevin was surprised to realize how fast he fell asleep, safe and warm and connected and loved.
The waking up had been just like the days Kevin remembered, all kisses and cuddles and slowly leaving the blanket traps to forage for breakfast. Of course, there was more crying and it was a whole lot earlier than usual, could barely be called morning before baby was screaming and Carlos was dragging himself out of bed to Kevin’s protests and Cecil was telling him to lie down, he’d get the baby this morning and Kevin being okay with that even though it meant Cece was leaving which made him sad. He was talking the screaming child with him, though, so Kevin was grateful for that.
Cecil kissed Kevin on the forehead before he got up and said good morning and that he was so happy to see him and hopes he didn’t have too bad dreams and Kevin just shook his head then nodded because it’s hard to talk or think when he was covering his ears with his shoulders.
“Sorry babey.” Carlos said, giving up on disentangling himself from Kevin’s hug and staying in the bed with a little smile. “Did the baby wake you up last night?”
“Not really…” Kevin mumbled. “Sorta…”
The child was in the kitchen now and Kevin couldn’t hear the crying as much so he un-scrunched his shoulders from his ears so he could hear Carlos better.
“Awhh kiddo, don’t worry, according to my books this whole crying in the middle of the night thing should stop soon. I hope. I really hope.”
“Mh.” Kevin said. Somehow Buddy Bear had fallen off the bed, and he wished he had buddy bear to cuddle now, to hide his face in. The blanket wasn’t a good substitute.
“Do you want to talk this morning?”
Kevin shook his head again. If he kept his face pressed into the blanket then he didn’t have to worry about smiling or frowning or anything. He bit his lip because he kind of wanted to speak but didn’t know what to say, toeing that awful line between little and big where he knew he needed to talk eventually but the capacity had just left him.
“That’s okay, honey.” The screeching of the sunrise outside could just be heard through the closed window, letting light in. It was a quieter sunrise than usual. Carlos absentmindedly fidgeted with Kevin’s hair, fluttering fingers comforting against his scalp. He laughed. “Guess we have two babies to take care of now, hm?”
Kevin burst into tears.
Carlos reacted like someone had electrical shocked him, instantly starting and reaching to comfort him. “Oh no, sweetie, what’s wrong?” He said as Kevin sobbed into him, too overcome with emotion to even think of speaking. His lungs hurt from gasping air and his nose was running and he was getting the blankets below his face wet. Carlos’s arms wrapped around him, gently, giving him wiggle room if he wanted to scoot away but he didn’t and it was the perfect hug and that just made him sob harder.
“I’m-” He gasped through his tears. “I’m sorry!”
“What for??” Carlos asked.
“I shouldn be like this… I thought I stopped an now-” he gasped, managing to force his words out through breaths of air, “An now I’m jus all messed up an small again an I can’t be by myself an you an Cece are so tired an I’m makin it worse an I’m ruining everythin and-” he broke off, sobbing too hard to continue.
“Oh, honey.” Carlos hugged him tighter and it was just what his chest needed to stop clenching and he hated to admit how perfect and safe it felt. Lolo gave really great hugs. “Honey, you’re not ruining anything.”
“AM TOO.”
“I mean… It feels silly to admit, but I was missing taking care of you.” Carlos smiled and Kevin had to pause for a second because. What?
“What?”
“I was happy for you because you seemed so glad you had stopped needing to regress so much.” Carlos continued, “But it felt like you got a bit distant. I missed you. I missed my little fox hugs.”
“I thought you hated takin care of me…” Kevin mumbled.
“WHAT! ” He had to giggle a little bit when he heard the utter shock in Carlos’s voice. It was a silly thought, wasn’t it? Now that he said it out loud. “Of course not! Where did you get that idea?”
“Uhm… my brain.” Kevin said, giggling a bit more and wiping some tears away. “…Sorry.”
“You’re my favourite little sunshine fox in the world.” Lolo said, giving him a big hug once again. “Any time you need me, or need us. We’re here for you. No matter what. Being small doesn’t mean you’re doing any worse, Kevin, it means you’re just dealing with big things in your own way. Does that make sense?”
Kevin nodded. He hadn’t really thought of it like that. Being small was always because of bad things and sadness and forced smiles and bloody lines down his arms. But it was also cuddles and mealtimes and crayons and safety. The sunrise that falls behind the screaming.
“Now, do you want to go see what Cece and Esteban are doing in the kitchen?”
Kevin thought for a minute before shaking his head once more, very firmly. “Nope.” He said. “Too early. Little foxes need sleep.”
Carlos chuckled. “Alright, sunshine, you’re the boss.”
The baby wouldn’t stop crying.
The curtains were drawn and Cecil had drifted off on the couch and Kevin was colouring so peacefully with some crayons and the crib was out in the living room and it had all been going so well and then the baby started crying and crying and Kevin didn’t have a clue what to do.
It was his first time regressing out in the living room in a while. It had felt so normal and comfortable and nice, especially because the baby was in his crib and Kevin hadn’t really had to look at him because that was Cece’s job. Lolo had been called into the lab for important Science things and Cece deserved a nap and the baby was going to wake him up.
Kevin put down his crayons and shakily stood up, walking over to the crib with his hands tangled in each other. “Shhh!” He said, “Shh- stop that- please.”
When he got close enough to look into the crib, he saw Esteban. Was this really the first time? He tried to keep back so his scars and his face and his everything wouldn’t startle the baby into screaming louder, but when he saw Kevin he stopped and looked with big eyes at him. He was in a onesie that said Daddy’s Little Eldritch Horror on it in comic sans and his hair was black and curly and his eyes were really shiny. He reached up to Kevin.
“I canna pick you up.” Kevin said, realizing what the baby was trying to say. “I jus need you to be quiet, okay? Stop- stop screamin so Cece can have a nap. Please?”
Evidently not liking that, Esteban inhaled for another killer scream.
“Wait!” Kevin said, “Just wait! I’ll be right back!”
The noise seemed to get Esteban to pause long enough for Kevin to run- tripping over himself- into his bedroom and grab something, then run it back out to the crib. He passed it to Esteban.
“His name is Grumpy Bear.” Kevin explained. “He, uhm, he’s for when you’re feelin grumpy. Like you are ri’ now.”
Esteban gave the ear of the bear an experimental chew. He got drool all over it, but Kevin didn’t mind because that meant he was quiet. He exhaled a sigh of relief and started to go back to his crayons, but Esteban started fussing again and Kevin went back. His smile really was kind of cute. Just a little bit.
“Okay, fine, you can come with me but that means you DON cry anymore, mkay?” Kevin said.
Esteban stared at him with unblinking eyes. He took that as a yes and reached into the crib to scoop up the baby the way he had seen Cecil and Carlos do, holding him so his head was supported even though he didn’t know if he still needed to do that. He put him on the rug next to him and made sure he couldn’t chew on any crayons. He brought Grumpy Bear too.
“Okay, you can play with me, but don do the loud screaming, okay?”
Esteban looked at him innocently, like his lungs weren’t a danger to the atmosphere and his voice couldn’t shatter glass.
“Do you wan me to tell you bout Grumpy Bear?” Kevin asked after a few minutes. The baby didn’t say anything except a few intrigued babbles, so he continued. “Well, I’was one time after I had gotten up, an I was in a real super grumpy mood. Like you.”
He didn’t realize how much time had passed until he was partway through his third story to his little audience of one and realized Cecil was standing in the doorway.
“Cece?” He said when he noticed, looking up. He looked back at the baby, who had thoroughly soaked Grumpy Bear in drool, and then back at Cecil. “He was cryin…” Kevin said. “So I took him out. Issat okay?”
Esteban noticed his dada too and started happily babbling in his direction, reaching his arms out with glee. Cecil walked over and sat down with them, putting the baby onto his knee and bouncing him. Esteban giggled.
“That was perfectly okay, Kevin!” Cecil said and his voice was warm and rich as usual, and maybe even a little bit less tired. “And you were playing so nicely, too. Thank you.”
Kevin realized that, yeah, he had been playing nice. Like, proper nice. He hadn’t even thought of his fears and his worries because now that Esteban was so close it was so obvious that Kevin would never ever do anything to hurt a hair on his head. And Esteban didn’t seem to notice his scars or his painful smiles and expressions he never quite knew how to make.
“Why didn’t you wake me up, though?”
“I, uhm, he was cryin an I know you’re tired…” Kevin said, fumbling with his hand and laughing a little.
“Don’t worry about waking me up next time,” Cecil said with a warm grin. “But thank you for thinking of me and being such a good big brother.”
Big brother.
A big warm happy feeling stirred in Kevin’s chest, like a puzzle piece had clicked and he was so happy he could barely say anything so he just leaned forward and hugged Cece and hugged Esteban and smiled so big and it wasn’t forced at all.
Big brother.
He could get used to that.