Chapter Text
Seungmin loved his friends, he really did.
But when said friends have chosen to make his biggest heartbreak the topic for today's hang out, he reconsiders.
Honestly he has no one to blame but himself since this all started after the movie he chose for his bi weekly movie night with Minho and Jeongin got a little too boring, so of course Minho took advantage to tell them that his boyfriend is finally moving in with him.
"About time, you've been basically married since you met" Seungmin said, unknowingly sealing his fate.
"Yeah well, what can I say. When you find the one, you just know" answers Minho with a shrug.
Jeongin seemed lost in thought for a moment, staring at the ceiling before dropping the bomb nonchalantly.
"He sounded just like you when you were dating Hyunjin hyung, shame that it didn't work out"
It comes out of nowhere and it makes Seungmin choke on his soda.
He composes himself enough to answer. "Yeah, shame"
He hopes his tone is enough to let Jeongin know he's is not in the mood for this, fortunately he seems to notice he is uncomfortable and backs off.
That is not the case for Minho, though
"Hyunjin? Who's Hyunjin?"
They met Minho not long after he broke up with Hyunjin and in the past 3 years he has not discussed anything related to his love life-or lack thereof- and does not want to start now.
"No one important, just some guy I dated for a while"
Even after all this time, referring to Hyunjin as "just some guy" felt weird when Jeongin was right, Seungmin had known he was The One, his everything, the love of his life, his little star.
Lost in the moment he misses the way Jeongin rolls his eyes in annoyance before saying. "Yeah, right, he's just the guy you dated for 4 years and imagined a whole life with, no biggie"
Oh well, it seems he is starting to talk about his love life now.
He gets why Jeongin reacted that way, after all even after the break up he is still Hyunjin's best friend, the fact that he never chose sides when they split up did not meant he was gonna sit and hear his friend be diminished and spoken about like he never mattered.
Minho does not seem to mind the tension and he looks between the 2 of them, as if waiting for an explanation.
So, Seungmin sighs and thinks how he wants this to go, he could play it cool and pretend he's moved on to put an end to the conversation or... he could tell the truth.
After all it has been 3 years and he has never spoken about it with anyone, not even Jeongin, even though he was the closest to the both of them and would understand without judging.
There doesn't seem to be any major downsides to telling the truth, aside from the embarrassment and lingering sadness he has everytime he thinks about his ex boyfriend, so he figures he mights as well get it out right now and never speak of it again.
"Fine, he was more than some guy I dated, he was once my everything, he was The one, the love of my life and all that. I knew it from the moment I kissed him for the first time and all I could think about was how to keep him in my life forever."
He makes a pause, looking at his friends as if waiting for confirmation to continue, or maybe for some sign from above that he has to stop before he gets too caught up in the past.
Nonetheless Minho notices his hesitation and asks "Why did you broke up, then?"
The question hits a nerve because that's just it, he doesn't know. Well, he knows why Hyunjin broke up with him but he does not know how they got to that point and he says as much.
"I mean, he said we wanted different things and we had grown apart, that we weren't the same people we were when we started dating. I never understood because for me I was the same guy who fell in love with his best friend back in high-school and wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with him, but I guess he saw something I didn't or maybe he felt out of love and didn't want to say it".
It's Jeongin's turn to chime in "What do you mean you don't know? didn't he tell you?"
Seungmin looks at him confused, the tone almost makes it seem like he knows something, which makes no sense because why would Jeongin know more about his relationship/break up than him.
"No, he said he wanted to break up and I respected his decision, I never asked because it would've looked like begging or refusing to let him go when that was what he wanted so I figured it was best to part without any drama."
Both of his friends stare at him in silence, not knowing what to say until Minho speaks up once again
"I don't want to sound like an asshole but....you mean to tell me that the guy you referred to as the love of your life broke up with you and you didn't think of asking for an explanation? Didn't try to see if it was something you guys could work on?"
Seungmin actually scoffed at that, this is definitely not going the way he thought it would, he feels exposed.
"Well I didn't want to be the pathetic guy who begs someone to stay with them. Or to be the idiot who has to ask to know why wasn't he enough " He spits out and then takes a breath to calm himself.
"I loved him too much to make him stay with me if he didn't love me anymore, he would have if I asked for a chance to work it out but that's not what I wanted our relationship to become."
And it was true, Hyunjin was a people pleaser -and he says this with fondness, as he usually does when it comes to Hyunjin's traits- who would have stayed if Seungmin asked him to give him another chance, he would have tried to force himself to be by his side if it meant not hurting Seungmin but hurting himself in the process.
So in the end he made what was best for the both of them and let him go.
If Hyunjin broke up with him on the night he was supposed to ask him to move in with him after looking for the perfect apartment for both of them, no one has to know.
It's quiet for a couple of minutes and Seungmin is thinking what to say to break the awkward silence when Jeongin stars talking again.
"That doesn't make any sense"
It's not loud or angry, just confused and Seungmin wants to ask what he means but Minho interrupts before he can. "Well, that was depressing"
Understatement of the year
"How about we order in some take out from the new place Jeongin's been dying to try?"
Thankful for the distraction Seungmin jumps at the opportunity to let go of the whole Hyunjin talk and takes out his phone to order the food.
They don't go back to the topic for the rest of the night but Seungmin can tell that Jeongin seems distracted the whole time.
They leave after 10 pm since Minho has to meet his boyfriend for breakfast really early and Jeongin has some work to catch up on, so they leave Seungmin alone with his thoughts.
It's been a while since he last was unable to sleep thinking about Hyunjin and what could have been, he puts on some music to focus on instead of the memories, luckily sleep comes sooner than expected.
He dreams of school hallways and sunny days.
It's the beginning of senior year of high-school.
He's there when Seungmin enters the classroom, pencil in hand and a notebook already on his desk, the first word that comes to mind when he sees him with the sunlight coming in from the window behind him is "pretty".
He's never seen him before but he sure as hell won't be able to forget his face.
Now, seungmin is not shallow but he thinks the boy he is supposed to share a seat with for the whole year is the most beautiful person he's ever seen and he cannot wait to get to know him.
He would like to say he played it cool and all that but the truth is he didn't.
He almost tripped and he stuttered when trying to introduce himself, but it was all worth it when he received a giggle and a "I'm Hyunjin" in return .
Seungmin wanted to make him laugh everyday.
Safe to say he is whipped from the start.
The days after are spent with whispered conversations between lectures, passed notes when unable to talk and shared lunches where they get to know each other.
"How come I've never seen you before? I know this is the first time we are in the same class but is not that big of a school for me to have missed you for 2 whole years"
"I'm really shy, I mostly kept to my self outside of the football team and I used to spend all my time in the art room since I'm not that good with people"
"Oh so am I especial if you are spending time with me instead?"
That resulted in a stuttered answer and a following conversation on how Hyunjin got into art.
They started to spend their time outside of school together as well, going to each other's houses, meeting at the park and knowing things no one else knew about the other.
But the day in which seungmin realized he would risk it all for the boy to be more than his friend was when Hyunjin gifted him a portrait for his birthday, it was him on his last baseball game, when his parents told him it would be better to just focus on school moving forward.
"It's not much but I wanted you to have something that could remind you of the good times and to show you how amazing you are" Hyunjin had said.
To seungmin it was everything and he'd never felt more loved and appreciated than in that moment.
Seungmin was not the most romantic guy in the world and he did not have that much experience dating but that night he started to plan the perfect confession, his boy deserved the most romantic gesture.
He wakes up suddenly, the sun is already up and one look at his alarm clock tells him is time to get up.
Lucky for him it's a Saturday, meaning he has no work today and he can relax all weekend.
Unluckily for him, yesterday's conversation and last night's dream/ memory left him a little shaken, so he decides to distract himself with some deep cleaning.
He is not a messy man by any means but this is a good time as any to make his apartment look spotless.
He finishes with the living room, kitchen and the bathroom in record time while blasting some music from his speakers and it's only 4 pm , so with his mind set on being done by 5 so he can have some dinner and maybe a couple of beers he goes straight to his room.
The good thing is that there is not much in there to clean, he was never good with decoration and whatnot-his mind tries to remind him who was good with those things but he forces that train of thought away-
It is only when he drops a little pocchaco toy that Jeongin gave him as a joke gift a couple of years ago, that all his effort goes in vain.
The thing rolls all the way from his shelf until it ends up down his bed, when he goes to grab it he feels something else, something he spend so long ignoring that he forgot it was even there.
It's been a while since he last saw it, he is emotional and stupid and therefore cannot be blamed for what he does next, so he pulls it out.
It's a portrait, it's The portrait. The one Hyunjin gave him on his 18th birthday, the las time he looked at it was when he made the decision to hide it since it hurt too much to look at and he was not an asshole to just throw it away.
And so he takes a look and tries to ignore once again the little voice in his head whispering how it seems a little bit like a sign.
He sees himself, the version of him that Hyunjin fell in love with. He might be delusional-or hopeful- but he can see the love he put into it, he puts love into everything he paints and does.
He wonders if Hyunjin were to paint him now, how would he look like.
Ever since yesterday when Minho asked him why didn't he did more, he's been wondering, was there something else he could have said or done?
Would everything be different if he had?
Would they still be together? Sharing this same apartment?
Would he get to see Hyunjin first thing in the morning and go to sleep at night with him in his arms after a long day at work?
Would he see first hand the new pieces Hyunjin's working on instead of them showing on his Instagram feed being unable to tell him how great they are even if he knows nothing about art?
He doesn't notice when he started crying until a tear drops on the frame, right next to the signature at the bottom and that's when he decides that's enough.
He puts the frame back under the bed and gets up.
The day doesn't get better after that, he orders food and tries to watch a movie but gets tired of pretending to pay attention to it and ultimately decides that it will be an early night, he showers and gets ready for bed, silently wishing for a dreamless sleep.
But as he's come to realize, wishes rarely come true.
He hasn't been able to have a good night's sleep in weeks, his exams are killing him , the guy on the dorm next to his keeps blasting music until 4 am and he's been so busy studying that the quality time with his boyfriend went from everyday to a couple of hours every other day to a couple of good morning and good night texts .
Right now he is at the library, it's already 9 pm and he should really go to his dorm to eat and sleep but he cannot go without finishing this chapter for his exam on Monday even though he is so tired he could fall asleep right there.
A hand on his shoulder makes him jump in his seat, he turns around and sees his boyfriend.
"Sorry, didn't meant to scare you. I called your name a couple of times and you didn't respond so...''
Seungmin sighs
"Yeah, the midterms are frying my brain and this book is not making it any better"
"I know, I mean I don't because your major is way more complicated than mine but I can only imagine how tired you must be"
"Well, just because we have different subjects doesn't mean you don't work as hard as me nor that you're not as tired, which makes me wonder what are you doing here instead of at your dorm?"
Hyunjin blushes, always shy in the face of such simple words and recognition even though Seungmin thinks the world of him, he should compliment him more if only to see the lovely red hues on his cheeks.
"I told you to let me know when you reached home but when you never did I assumed you were still here and I know you haven't eaten anything since breakfast so I'm here to force you into taking better care of yourself if only for the weekend"
Seungmin is ready to protest, give a speech on how he has to finish this chapter and all that but the look of worry on Hyunjin's face makes him immediately backtrack.
He hates worrying his lovely boyfriend.
"Okay, no more studying. Let me walk you to your dorm and then I'll go to get some food and some sleep"
"Well I was thinking, there's no clases tomorrow and we haven't spend much time together lately so maybe we could pick up some take out on the way to my dorm and you could stay the night if you want to, and tomorrow you could stay there and do your reading or your homework or whatever and I promise I wont distract you"
The bashful and nervous way in which he says this makes Seungmin smile and then tense a little. He has the most precious guy as his boyfriend and yet he's been so caught up with everything else that said boy has to ambush him into spending time together.
But he thinks that apologizing could make Hyunjin feel bad if Seungmin is reading too much into it, after all Hyunjin's always been really understanding so he'll just make it up to him, he'll work harder to adjust, he will try to manage his time better and not neglect Hyunjin nor his studies.
"I'll do you one better, we have that take out while we watch the movie you've been telling me about for months, I stay the night and tomorrow I'll take you out on a date, wherever you want"
The shine in Hyunjin's eyes is worth every hour he'll have to sacrifice to finish his reading before class on Monday.
Everything else comes second-within reason, of course- to making his boy happy.
He goes to bed that night with a full stomach and a full heart, with the love of his life in his arms and thinking what it would be like to fall asleep like this every day.