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Ragatha was nearly picking out her own stitches as she walked down the long corridor of all their bedrooms, already regretting volunteering for this. Almost everybody else had gathered in the circus common area for the new adventure… all except…
Ragatha averted her eyes as she passed the room of the recently departed amphibian and approached the bedroom of the bunny she was actually there to see. The doll took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
No response.
A cold dread settled in her stomach and she knocked again.
No response.
“Um, Jax? You in there buddy?”
No response.
She tried the handle. Locked. Was she breathing heavy? Was her heart beating faster than it had been? She tried to keep her voice steady,
“Hey Jax, I uh.. I wanted to check up on you! I haven’t… seen you in a while so I figured I’d come see for myself”
She’s fairly sure she hears something move inside the room. That doesn’t calm her. She tries the handle again.
“J-Jax come on please, I just want to talk to you- can you open the door?” The handle rattles in her hand as she pleads silently for the door to somehow become unlocked. An image appeared in her mind, the bunny they had all allowed to stay on his own for so long, her friend that she had just let drift away for… weeks… the image of an amorphous black shape and hundreds of colourful eyes laying behind that door came to her mind and panic filled her further “Jax please- I- I just- I just wanna see you, please-“
And then abruptly, the door clicks and swings open. Before her stands Jax, looking worse for wear than she’d ever seen him, eyes surrounded by dark bags and his purple fur sticking out of place, his pupils unfocused but he was there, not abstracted. It felt like a weight lifted off her shoulders. She let out a sigh of relief that turned into a small laugh.
“Phew! You, you scared me for a second there Jax”
He did not share her amusement, staring at the redhead blankly.
“How.. have you been? You haven’t come out of your room in a while-“
“What do you want.”
Ragatha flinches at the tone. It’s so.. cold and detached, lacking any of its usual playfulness. A distinct discomfort made itself known to her as she heard the curt voice cut her off, while the rabbit standing in front of her was certainly Jax… the distinct impression that this wasn’t the loveable prankster she had known for years settled over her.
“What?” A nervous laugh escaped her as she spoke, “I- I just said, I wanted to check on you. You doing ok Jax?”
“Do I look like I’m doing ok?” He hissed, narrowing his eyes. This… this was bizarre… Ragatha knew that Jax one of the more emotional of their group in the circus and always seemed to take the longest to get back on his feet after an abstraction but… he’d never acted this cold to her before. Then again, thinking about it… maybe it’s the fact of who abstracted that was altering his reaction. Ragatha swallowed her discomfort, she always tried her best to be kind to others but… she did find that she tended to have a difficult time understanding them.
“oh- uh yeah that was kind of a dumb question wasn’t it?”
Jax scoffed and rolled his eyes,
“So are we done here?”
“What?”
“You said you came to check on me. You came. We established that I’m not ok. You can leave now.” He began to close the door and Ragatha, in an attempt to prolongue the conversation ended wedged her foot in the frame. His eyes met hers, baffled and seemingly now becoming genuinely frustrated.
“Uh- uh well, I actually also wanted to um, Caine’s going to start an adventure in a little bit, would you maybe want to-“
“No.”
“I just- the past few adventures have felt so empty with you sitting them out- you know Zooble usually sits them out on their own and with Ribbit-“ She clamps her mouth shut to stop her rambling. The full body flinch that runs through Jax is telling to how much of a shock to his system hearing that name again after isolating himself for so long is.
“Sorry!” She quickly rushed in trying to do some sort of damage control, “Sorry, I just mean-“
“Ragatha I think you should leave.” The sheer anger in his voice as he speaks is intimidating.
“Wait Jax I just-“
“Go. Away.”
“The adventures aren’t the same without you! I miss you- Kaufmo misses you-“
“Don’t do that.” He glares at her, shoulders rising.
“Don’t do what?”
“That whole guilt tripping shtick you just tried to pull! “I miss you, Kaufmo misses you” Come off it!” Ragatha had to force herself not to back up as his voice raised, she knew if her foot left the doorframe the only Jax she would be facing would be the drawing on the exterior of the door.
“Jax I- I wasn’t trying to guilt trip you I was just saying-“
“I know what you were ####ing saying!” Ragatha reeled in alarm for a second, Jax rarely ever swore. His voice raises pitch in a mocking imitation of Ragatha “Come on champ! Get over it already! The rest of us have! Stop moping around you’re killing the vibe!”
“Jax stop!” Ragatha found her own voice raising volume in her desperation to get through to him, she reaches forward grabbing his shoulder, hoping to ground him- or get his to focus on her- or something- anything! “I just think that it would be good for you to start getting out again- come on, adventures always help you cheer up- Caine even said this one was going to have action in it and everything you love those ones!”
Jax shoved her hand off his shoulder, almost knocking her off balance. “Don’t try to psychoanalyse me! I don’t need you of all people trying to gentle parent me right now!”
“Jax! It’s- it’s been weeks!“
“Oh “It’s been weeks.” Ok that makes everything perfectly fine! Let me just go back to normal again!” He snapped his fingers, a horrible fake smile forcing his features to mould into shape “Yup here I am again! Good old Jax! You wanna go screw with Kaufmo again? Maybe I’ll go play a prank on Zooble later because everything’s so god#### wonderful isn’t it Ragatha?!”
“Stop it!” Ragatha shouted back in desperation, looking away from that awful smile, “Stop it Jax you’re being awful!”
“I’m being awful?!”
“Yes! Yes you are! All I wanted was to try and help you feel better! What has gotten into you?!” She demanded. He suddenly took steps towards her and she found herself backing up rapidly as their argument travelled out of Jax’s doorway and into the hall.
“You wanna know what’s gotten into me Ragatha?! My best friend just ####ing died! So no, I’m not going to put myself through having to say thank you to you for dragging me around to do stuff I don’t want to do and worshiping the ground you walk on like your such a saint just to satisfy your stupid saviour complex!”
“Saviour-“ Ragatha felt her face pull into an alarmed and offended expression, her mouth moved without her consent, forming words she felt no control over, “You jerk! I was trying to help you! I’m so sorry for noticing you were struggling- you always went to Ribbit for help after this happened- what’s so wrong with trying to be there for you- it’s not like anybody else is here to be!”
She knew it was a mistake to say that as soon as the words left her mouth. It felt for a second like time slowed down and Ragatha desperately wished she could take those words back as she watched several emotions flashed across Jax’s face starting at shock and hurt and eventually ending up at absolute unbridled fury.
“So that’s it is it?” A sharp callous laugh escaped the rabbit that lasted far too long. “Wow Rags I know the two of you didn’t get along that well but who’s have thought little miss goodie two shoes would try to replace him and move on so quickly?”
The doll was frozen, unable to speak as a million thoughts ran through her head. Most of which some variation of ‘why did I say that?’. That comment felt like a slap to the face though. Sure she and the green circus member had never gotten along particularly well, and especially with his attitude becoming more and more abrasive in the months leading up to his eventual abstraction they had been clashing more and more- but that was never her intention- she never wanted to-
She gasped in an attempt to say anything to Jax to disprove this statement of his but he kept talking,
“I didn’t know you had it in you! Way to go and kick a man while he’s down!” He barks a bitter laugh with no humour and Ragatha sees small tears bead his wide yellow eyes, “Literally!”
“Jax no- I don’t want to- I’m not trying to replace anyone!“ she fumbled for the phrasing she was desperately searching for, “I just want to help you- you’re my friend Jax- I love all of you guys so much- please I just want you to be happy!”
“Well I’m not!” His voice is cacophonous in the deafening emptiness of the hallway, “I’m not.” He repeats, quieter this time, the venom that laces his words hurts Ragatha so profoundly that she might as well have been allergic to it. “And nothing you do is going to change that. I’m not like you. I can’t just- I cant just turn off all my emotions except happy and cheerful and just- you can not care about him all you want Ragatha. Just do it where I can’t see you.”
Jax took a deep breath, rubbing his face, now streaked with tears. He turned around walking back to his room before pausing, lingering in the doorway. One final, spiteful command slipped out,
“In fact, just do everything where I can’t see you.” The door slammed behind him.
It was only in the crushing silence that followed that Ragatha heard her own shattered breathing. The fabric of her face was blotched dark from water and she crumpled to the floor like she’d been dropped. Sobbing, heaving breaths escaped her as a sharp realisation stabbed her. She had failed.
All she wanted to do was be there, provide some sort of comfort to the others. Make them happy, make sure everyone would stay friends. And she had failed.
Jax never wanted to see her again.
The knowledge made her want to sink into the floor and never stand up again. She had failed. She had failed. She had failed so profoundly that one of her best friends never wanted to see her again. He was miserable, suffering, and she couldn’t do a single bloody thing to fix it.
Because Jax hated her.
When she finally returned to the others she lied through her teeth which now formed a smile she hoped reached her eyes, Jax was feeling sick or something and wasn’t up for it and they’d gone on one of their adventures. Ragatha didn’t remember what it was about.
The only thing she ever remembered from that day was the fact that that was the last time she ever saw Jax cry, and the first time that horrible, warped imitation of Jax’s real smile had ever invaded his face. The one she saw every day after the rabbit finally began leaving his room again.