Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

His name is Karkat Vantas, and he is:

1. A dude
2. An alien
3. Way more comfortable with this than you are

Five minutes ago he was deep in the shit of one of his classic nonsense asshole rants and you were not paying attention as usual. He used to just annoy you, but a year in forced proximity with not a whole hell of a lot to do has gotten you used to him. He seems to have chilled out a bit himself, and while you're pretty sure the tantrums are a critical cornerstone of his personality and he will never do an acrobatic fucking cannonball into one at every opportunity, you've found a weird sort of fucked up comfort in sitting with him and letting him get down to shout town.

The fact that he almost always catches you not paying attention and uses it as a springboard to dive into another rant is part of the fun.

So you were just sitting there, scratching out some rhymes on one of the boundless tomes littered around the meteor, letting Karkat do his thing, and at one point he stopped to take a breath and you looked up at him, and next thing you knew, you were leaning over and kissing him.

You're not sure what came over you.

Karkat's taking it pretty well though. You think. There was a split second where you thought he would pull away and it scared the everloving shit out of you, but then he leaned in, pressing his lips harder to yours, and you realized way too late that this was in fact, hells more terrifying.

And now you have no clue what to fucking do.

How long is a kiss like this supposed to last anyway? Which one of you backs off first? What if you feel him start to whip out his tongue?

It definitely doesn't say anything about you that you're worried about this turning into a sloppy makeout. 

(But Christ, at least he has a tongue. He's stuck it out at you enough times for you to know that. You absolutely would not have done this if he had like, a xenomorph mini mouth or some shit.)

(You are almost positive that would be the case.)

Your relationship with the concept of time is so stupidly intimate that it would make more sense for you to be kissing it instead of Karkat. It makes your awareness of every second that has crawled by ever since you started this absolutely excruciating. Every one of those seconds represents a you that didn’t decide to go back in time and stop this from happening, and oh shit now you’re really starting to panic. Somehow the idea of risking a doomed timeline to undo this makes you want to shit your pants less than the actual reality in front of you.

You are so fucking scared.

When time is on your side in literally every possible sense, a guy tends to spend a lot of it thinking, and the thoughts you've been grappling with lately are not at all what you expected would surface on this fucked up space ride. You haven't been able to bring yourself to tell anybody about them. Whenever they come up, and you can't pap them back into your subconscious, you concoct one of your vague bullshit excuses and peace out to somewhere more private. Oftentimes you go up to the roof and just stare out into the darkness. Even you are self aware enough to know this isn't healthy, but you're just not ready to talk about it yet. Especially not to Rose. You do not want Rose's precocious wannabe Freud shtick anywhere near what you're thinking. Especially not when you're kissing another dude.

And speaking of. Why in the shitting fuck are you kissing Karkat right now?

You told yourself pretty firmly on day one that there would be no macking on any trolls on this meteor. Terezi made it easy on you, spending most of her time with Vriska doing their scourge sister roleplay shit, and your interest in her was mostly for shits and giggles anyway. That left Kanaya, who hit it off with Rose pretty much immediately, and Rose herself, and not even pain of death could make you admit that you checked her off your list of potential macking buddies (seriously she wasn't even really on there, you were just being thorough.)

(And she probably already knows.)

The juggalo troll never crossed your mind, besides you can’t say he's not dead and stuffed in a fridge somewhere. 

The mayor? The mayor is simply too good and pure to sully with these thoughts. You're pretty sure he's about as ace as ace gets anyway. Unless attraction to cans is a thing, which…never mind. Too good and pure.

Karkat…once you would have lumped him in with Gamzee. So totally not a possibility that you didn't need to add him to the list for the sake of checking him off.

Then you spent time with him. You became friends with him. You drew dicks in Rose's book with him.

And now…your lips are locked and loaded for smooch city, and you didn't even know you'd bought a ticket.

Shit, his lips are warm. And soft. Like surprisingly soft, a lot like–

Nope. You are not going to think about any goddamn puppets right now. Time to change that subject so fast it gets a speeding ticket.

So here's the thing. Or one of the things. There's a lot of moving parts to all this but right now you're just thinking about the one.

Setting aside the emergent questions of your sexuality, you have zero fucking interest in the quadrant bullshit.

You've not listened to enough of Karkat's rants, and half listened a little more to some of Kanaya's talks with Rose, that you've more or less settled yourself with the idea of it all. Not enough to where you'd be cool with engaging in it yourself (and to be honest you still don't exactly see how the diamonds and clubs stuff is different from just, being friends), but enough that you don't feel the need to go jump off the roof when anyone gets to talking about it. 

The hate dating shit is always going to be firmly out of your sphere. And the red stuff is…honestly, you're not super on board with that either.

Like yeah okay, dating someone and doing makeouts sounds fun and rad and all, and the red stuff is basically that. You just don't like the idea of being a…a one in four sort of thing. Of splitting yourself into multiples in order to achieve a whole. There's already been enough extras of you to fill a swimming pool, and all of them are dead, making it the most fucked up pool anyone ever tried to swim in. Some kid shows up for his birthday party and it's like, well at least he can't drown in a corpse pile, so get in there slugger while they're still warm. And him and all his friends are just standing in this pool neck deep in dead Daves and they're crying and there's blood everywhere and it's the worst birthday party the kid ever had.

You're getting off track.

You think you just want to be. Singular.

Your friends are dope and you love them, and being on this meteor with everyone has been some of the tightest shit that's ever happened to you. But something you've started to learn over the last year is that friendship is a lot like creating Alt Daves. Everyone gets a different piece of the Dave pie. Rose has the you she met when you were both dumbass kids. Terezi gets the ironic coolkid facade you can't bring yourself to let go of. The mayor gets that gushing font of affection you can't keep from welling up every time you look into his beautiful beetle eyes.

Karkat got your insufferable prickiness, because you were getting his, but before long and without you quite noticing, he started getting something that felt closer to a real, honest you. And you didn't hate it once you did notice, though you were a little afraid. You tried not to acknowledge it much, or push it any further. Except now you're kissing him, so seems like you've gone and shagged the sheep on that.

You just can't help feeling that if this…thing with Karkat goes further, he's going to end up with the you that is just broken.

You understand pretty well now that life with your bro was the fucking pits, and the unpacking still left to do on that score would keep a hypothetical island populated by hypothetical butlers busy until the heat death of the sun. Your friends want to help, and they are, even just being around them is what's gotten you this far in the first place. But even Rose seems to think of it as being, or close enough to being, the diamonds or clubs stuff. You very much do not.

What you really need is to find someone, just that one person who sees past the shades and the irony and the bullshit and really gets you.

And that doesn't sound like the red stuff to you.

It sounds like being in love.

It’s a weird distinction, but it’s one that makes sense to you, even if you can’t articulate it. Most importantly, you don't see it working the way you need it to if it's squared into the quadrant shit. But you know it's important to the trolls’ culture, and you're not enough of a douche to ask that Karkat give it up for your sake.

And at the peak of that absolutely gargantuan pile of psychological crap, a shit-stained flag waves limply in the feces breeze, quietly proclaiming:

holy shit, i think im fucking gay

So when Karkat finally pulls away, looking at you with his brow furrowed and what is almost certainly some more shouting forming up on those lips you just had your first kiss with, you do the only sensible thing.

You ollie the fuck out. 

Chapter Text

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: DAVE.
CG: DAVE.
CG: HELLO??
CG: HUMAN EARTH TO DAVE. ANSWER ME, YOU NOOKHUFFING BULGEWIPE.
CG: I KNOW YOU CAN SEE THIS. YOUR COMPUTER IS LITERALLY ON YOUR FACE. MY MESSAGES ARE BEING BEAMED DIRECTLY INTO YOUR GANDERBULBS.
CG: YOU CAN'T HAVE GONE FAR DAVE.
CG: THIS IS A BIG METEOR BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO EAT AND VISIT THE LOAD GAPER EVENTUALLY, AND WE'VE GOT TWO WHOLE HUMAN YEARS LEFT ON THIS FUCKED UP SPACE RIDE.
CG: I WILL SPEND EVERY LAST SECOND OF THAT TIME HUNTING YOU DOWN. THE SUSURRUS OF YOUR SHITTY HUMAN RAPS THROUGH THE HALLS WILL BE THE TRAIL THAT LEADS ME TO WHATEVER SHAME CORNER YOU'VE ENSCONCED YOURSELF IN. EVERY STEP YOU TAKE WILL BE DOGGED BY ME, AND YOUR NECK WILL FUSE TO YOUR POSTURE POLE AT A NINETY DEGREE ANGLE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T STOP WATCHING FOR ME OVER YOUR SHOULDER.
CG: AND WHEN WE GET TO THE NEW SESSION I WILL DRAG YOU BY YOUR SHITTY CAPE INTO THE LIGHT OF ANSWERING YOUR PHONE AND TAKING FUCKING ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR ROMANTIC OVERTURES.
CG: GODDAMMIT DAVE FUCKING ANSWER ME!!!
CG: ...
CG: YOU'RE ON THE ROOF, AREN'T YOU.
CG: I KNOW YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING SNEAKY GOING UP THERE TO HAVE YOUR "IRONIC" ALONE TIME. THE REAL SECRET IS THAT WE ALL DO IT, DAVE. I LOVE GOING UP TO THE ROOF, IT'S THE ONLY PLACE ON THIS GRUBFORSAKEN METEOR WHERE THE AIR ISN'T TINGED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY DEAD FRIENDS. AS WELL AS THE ONLY PLACE THAT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE A CORPSE BOX.
CG: I WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE UP THERE DAVE BUT ONLY IF YOU FUCKING ANSWER ME. CONTINUE TO IGNORE ME AND I WILL STORM MY ASS UP THERE.
CG: MY STORMING WILL BE SO FURIOUS I MAY CAUSE ACTUAL PRECIPITATION TO FORM. THEN ALL THE COMPUTERS WILL BE IRREPARABLY DAMAGED, AND HOW WILL WE PASS THE TIME FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS?
CG: CLEARLY NOT ENGAGING IN MUTUALLY SATISFYING ROMANTIC ENCOUNTERS, IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!
CG: BETTER START TYPING DAVE, THE STORM IS BREWING!
CG: I AM THE STORM THAT IS APPROACHING. IT'S ME.
CG: OKAY, I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS.
CG: BUT YOU'VE LEFT ME NO CHOICE.
CG: I WILL BRING THE FUCKING MAYOR DAVE, SO HELP ME JEGUS.
CG: HE WILL BRING AN ARMLOAD OF CANS UP THERE AND REQUEST YOUR HELP BUILDING A NEW CAN TOWN SUBGRUB. AND YOU WILL LOOK INTO HIS LOVELY BLACK EYES AND BE COMPELLED TO SPILL ALL OF YOUR DEEPEST COOLDOUCHE SECRETS WHILE WE DECIDE ON SCHOOL DISTRICT ZONING AND WRITE THE HIVE OWNER'S ASSOCIATION CHARTER.
CG: HE WILL PAP YOUR BACK AND GIVE YOU THE COZIEST FUCKING HUG IN THE HISTORY OF PARADOX SPACE, AND BY THE TIME WE'RE CUTTING THE RIBBON ON THE COMMUNITY AQUATIC EXERCISE TRAP I WILL KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IS TROUBLING YOU, AND HOW MUCH I DON'T WANT TO KNOW IT.
CG: ONLY YOU CAN SAVE YOURSELF FROM THIS DAVE. CHOOSE WISELY.
CG: I THINK THE MAYOR'S IN THE LIBRARY WITH KANAYA RIGHT NOW. BE RIGHT BACK.
TG: wait
CG: AH HA! THE THREAT OF THE MAYOR NEVER FAILS!
TG: no no its cool bring the mayor
TG: were running out of room on the latest can town expansion, up heres as good a place as any
TG: i just wanted to say
TG: hive owners associations are actually expressly forbidden in can town
TG: youll have to find some other way to harass your neighbors sorry dude
CG: BULLSHIT.
TG: no dude its true ask the mayor
TG: he signed off on the ban and everything
TG: he realized the hoas werent doing anything useful just enacting fucked up rules about what color a house can be and measuring everyones grass and being generally fucking annoying
TG: so he banned them
TG: its like the greatest decision hes ever made the can people are so much happier and property values have actually gone up if you can believe it
CG: STRIDER, YOU KNOW I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT THE MAYOR BANNING HOAS.
CG: ALTHOUGH I DO DOUBT THAT HAPPENED, MOSTLY BECAUSE THE MAYOR ALMOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT KNOW WHAT AN HOA IS. IF IT HAPPENS VERY SUDDENLY, I'LL KNOW IT WAS ACTUALLY YOUR HANDIWORK, AND I WILL FIGHT YOU IN CAN COURT TO HAVE THE BAN OVERTURNED. YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET DRAWN INTO A LAWSUIT WITH ME DAVE, I HAVE *EXCELLENT* REPRESENTATION.
CG: ANYWAY
CG: MY EXCLAMATION OF “BULLSHIT” WAS INTENDED TO EXPRESS MY DISBELIEF THAT YOU WOULD BE OKAY WITH ME BRINGING THE MAYOR UP TO THE ROOF. IF YOU WANTED TO START A NEW DEVELOPMENT YOU WOULD ALREADY BE HAULING CANS UP THERE YOURSELF, ZIPPING BACK AND FORTH AND LEAVING SUCH A POTENT CHERRY STREAK IT WOULD HIT TEREZI LIKE A SOPORIFIC.
CG: SINCE THAT IS NOT CURRENTLY HAPPENING, I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO USE THIS FALSEHOOD ABOUT A HIVE OWNER'S ASSOCIATION BAN TO INFURIATE AND DISTRACT ME.
CG: HOWEVER, YOUR PLOY HAS FAILED ON TWO FRONTS.
CG: ONE: I AM ALREADY INFURIATED.
CG: TWO: I AM ALREADY HERE.
TG: what
TG: dude seriously
TG: roof time is sacred we all know this you dont just intrude on another guys roof time its not what you do
TG: this is so stupid why are you sitting all the way over there
TG: if youre not gonna leave you might as well come over here so were not messaging from across the roomf like a married couple that secretly hates each other
CG: SWEET PERIGEE'S EVE, STRIDER. HOW DID YOU SURVIVE THIRTEEN YEARS ON EARTH WITHOUT BEING LYNCHED BY A MOB OF THE VICTIMS OF YOUR HAPLESS FLIRTATION?
CG: ROSE WAS RIGHT. THE UNCANNY PREDILECTION YOU HAVE FOR THESE SORTS OF BUNGLES IS FUCKING EERIE. YOUR ANCESTORS MUST HAVE ENRAGED A GOD OF INNUENDO, WHO THEN CURSED THEIR LINE TO INSERT THESE CLUELESS ENTREATMENTS INTO EVERYTHING THEY SAY FOR THE REST OF TIME.
CG: YOU JUST KISSED AND RAN OUT ON ME, AND NOW YOU'RE COMPARING US TO BEING HUMAN MARRIED? WHAT IS A GUY TO THINK OF THESE SOLICITATIONS STRIDER.
CG: IF IT WERE ANYONE BUT ME, YOU WOULD BE IN DEEP SHIT.
CG: BUT LUCKILY I AM A NICE GUY AND ALSO YOUR FRIEND, SO I AM WILLING TO LET IT SLIDE AFTER SOME GENTLE LAMBASTING.
TG: not exactly beating the allegations youre heaping on me by saying shit like that
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP.
CG: WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THAT FUCKING KISS, AND WE ARE GOING TO DO IT RIGHT NOW.
CG: I AM NOT GOING TO SPEND THE NEXT SWEEP ON THIS METEOR LEAVING THE ROOM EVERY TIME YOU WALK IN, OR CHECKING FOR YOU EVERYWHERE I GO TO MAKE SURE WE DON'T RUN INTO EACH OTHER.
TG: thought you said id be the one watching out for you
CG: I ALSO SAID TO SHUT THE FUCK UP! GUESS WHICH ONE IS MORE IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.
CG: WE ARE GOING TO GET SOME GOOD OLD FASHIONED CLOSURE ON THIS AND WE ARE GOING TO GET IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.
CG: WITHOUT FURTHER FUCKING ADO:
CG: WHY DID YOU KISS ME STRIDER?
CG:...
CG: DAVE.
CG:...
CG: DAVE!
CG: CLEARLY MY ORDER TO SHUT THE FUCK UP DID NOT MEAN YOU CAN IGNORE MY QUESTIONS, DAVE. GET WITH THE GODDAMN PROGRAM ALREADY.
TG: idk dude
TG: does it matter
CG: GEE, LET'S FUCKING THINK.
CG: I CHASED YOU ALL THE WAY UP TO THE ROOF AND INTIMIDATED YOU WITH SOME OF THE STRONGEST THREATS IN MY ARSENAL.
CG: AND DON'T THINK I DON'T HAVE MORE WHERE THOSE CAME FROM. I AM SO STACKED WITH THREATS THEY'RE BASICALLY MY SECONDARY STRIFE SPECIBUS. BLACKMAILKIND OR WHATEVER.
CG: I THINK THAT SPEAKS PRETTY WELL TO WHETHER THIS MATTERS TO ME OR NOT, DON'T YOU?
TG: we all know youre obsessed with being all up in everyone elses business dude this is just bog standard karkat
TG: its like a xenobiological imperative with you
TG: you see a guy chilling off on the roof and go shit i need to know how he got so chill
TG: did he take an ice bath or what
TG: and like your busybody gland just revs up and pumps you full of bother juice forcing you to go and harass the chill roof dude until he discloses whatever shit you had no business getting worked up over in the first place
CG: YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN.
CG: AND THE THING IS, I KNOW IT'S JUST ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO DISTRACT ME. DID YOU THINK I HADN'T NOTICED THAT YOUR RAMBLES STEER TOWARDS THOSE AWFUL HUMAN FREUDIAN SLIPS MORE FREQUENTLY WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO AVOID TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE?
CG: BECAUSE I SUPER NOTICED, DAVE.
TG: nothin to notice this is just how i roll
CG: COULD YOU CHECK YOUR PATHOLOGICAL NEED TO BE THE UNIVERSE'S MOST FLIPPANT ASSHOLE FOR ONE GODDMAN MINUTE, AND ALLOW YOURSELF HAVE A SINCERE CONVERSATION WITH ME?
CG: I'M FUCKING CONCERNED ABOUT YOU.
CG: LOOK, LET ME BE CLEAR:
CG: I'M NOT MAD *ABOUT THE KISS*, DAVE.
CG: I'M MAD THAT YOU DID IT AND THEN FUCKING BAILED WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING. ANYONE WOULD BE UPSET ABOUT THAT.
CG: LIKE WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO THINK AFTERWARD? ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I KNOW HUMANS HAVE SOME BIZARRE HANGUP ABOUT ENGAGING IN CONCUPISCENT RELATIONS WITH ANYONE WHO SHARES THEIR HUMAN GENDER. IT MAKES A LITTLE SENSE TO ME NOW THAT I'VE DEIGNED TO DEDICATE A MEASURE OF MY PRECIOUS TIME IN THIS EXISTENCE TO CONSUMING SOME OF YOUR INFERIOR HUMAN ROMANCE LITERATURE AND CINEMA, THOUGH TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, I'M NEVER NOT GOING TO THINK IT'S HOOFBEAST SHIT.
CG: BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S HOOFBEAST SHIT TO YOU.
CG: AND IF I CAN HELP YOU FIGURE OUT SOME STUFF, I WANT TO DO THAT, BECAUSE AGAIN, I AM YOUR FUCKING FRIEND.
CG: IN FACT I THINK I'M PROBABLY THE BEST PERSON TO TALK TO ABOUT IT, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW. *YOU* KISSED *ME*. INTENTIONALLY OR NOT, YOU DRAGGED MY UNEXPECTING ASS INTO YOUR OBNOXIOUS DIGESTION SAC DIVOT-GAZING, SO I THINK I'M ENTITLED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE RECKONING WITH IT.
CG: AT THE VERY LEAST, I THINK I'M OWED AN APOLOGY FOR BEING AN INCONSIDERATE DOUCHE.
TG: sorry you're an inconsiderate douche
CG: DAVE.
TG: fuck
TG: alright
TG: i guess were doing this
CG: WERE MAKIGN THIS HAPEN
TG: right
TG: yeah so
TG: im sorry for kissing and running like some asshole skipping out on a restaurant bill
TG: a restaurant where they serve smooches instead of food
TG: sorry ill try to stay on topic
TG: i am being truthful though when i say i dont know why i did it
TG: the kissing not the running
TG: we can knock that one out quick i scared the magic pajamas off myself and didnt know what to do or say so i just absconded
TG: but that was pretty unfair to you so yeah im sorry man
CG: THANK YOU.
TG: bet
TG: anyway yeah the kiss
TG: what the fuck even man
TG: i just
TG: fuck
TG: i havent talked to anyone about it but i guess its probably more obvious than it seems
TG: i been uh
TG: questioning some things
TG: about myself and my romantic options vis a vis dudes
TG: and its not like theres a plethora of options here on this crazy space rock
CG: I SEE.
CG: I WAS THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS, THE OTHER BEING QUITE LITERALLY ALMOST EVIL BY MERIT OF BEING A MURDERCLOWN?
TG: fuck
TG: no dude i did not mean it that way
TG: youre like
TG: chill
TG: not really i mean youre constantly so wound up im worried your heads gonna pop
TG: but being around you is chill
TG: like, comfortable and safe
TG: and weve gotten pretty tight so i think whatever gay awakening is unfurling in the back of my brain was like "hey that troll would be good for mackin"
TG: that thoughts probably been percolating for a while and the coffee pot just overflowed and the gay awakening was like "mackin time is now, were doing this" and next thing you and i know our lips are locked
CG: OKAY.
CG: I'M NOT GOING TO PRETEND ALL OF THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME. WE ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT OUR CULTURAL DIFFERENCES ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE HANGING AROUND IN THE BACKGROUND OF EVERY INTERACTION LIKE GRUBCORN SHELLS STUCK IN OUR SUBSISTENCE MASTICATORS.
CG: FOR ALL MY BLUSTER A MINUTE AGO, I GUESS I CAN'T REALLY DO MUCH TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT THIS PROCESS OF AWAKENING AS A HUMAN GAY. SORRY.
CG: BUT FOR WHATEVER IT'S WORTH
CG: KISSING SOMEONE OUT OF THE BLUE IS A FAIRLY NORMAL THING. ESPECIALLY FOR ANYONE OUR AGE.
CG: IT'S JUST A WAY, ALBEIT A SOMEWHAT ABRUPT ONE, OF FIGURING OUT WHERE YOU STAND WITH THE OTHER PERSON.
CG: IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME IN TROLL MEDIA. TWO TROLLS THINK THEY'RE LEANING TOWARDS THE FLUSHED QUADRANT AND ONE KISSES THE OTHER IN A MOMENT OF PASSION, ONLY TO REALIZE THE DYNAMIC IS WAY MORE PALE.
CG: AND AGAIN, I DON'T REALLY GET THIS "GAY" THING, BUT IT SEEMS PRETTY REASONABLE THAT SOMEONE IN YOUR POSITION WOULD ENGAGE IN THAT SORT OF EXPERIMENTATION WITH SOMEONE WHO MAKES THEM FEEL SAFE.
CG: THANKS, BY THE WAY. I FEEL PRETTY SAFE AROUND YOU TOO.
CG: SO WHILE I UNDERSTAND THIS IS PROBABLY EASIER SPOKEN THAN FELT, THAT KISS DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT IT TO MEAN. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A BIG THING. I'M FINE WITH IT JUST BEING A DUDE WHO'S GRAPPLING WITH HIS NEWLY REALIZED ATTRACTION TO DUDES GETTING A BETTER FEEL FOR WHAT THAT MEANS, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT. AND NONE OF THE OTHERS HAVE TO KNOW.
CG: I MEAN, TO BE PRETTY FUCKING FRANK, EVEN IF WE DON'T END UP IN A QUADRANT TOGETHER WE PROBABLY WON'T BE ABLE TO HIDE IT FOREVER. ROSE AND KANAYA WILL SNIFF US OUT BEFORE LONG. TEREZI WILL *LITERALLY* SNIFF US OUT.
CG: BUT UNTIL THEN WE CAN JUST TAKE OUR TIME AND WORK SOME SHIT OUT TOGETHER.
CG: OKAY?
TG: yeah so uh
TG: about that
TG: youve been super fucking cool about this which i did not expect so i guess i should be up front
TG: the quadrants
TG: i Am not down with the quadrants
TG: you were maybe already aware of that to an extent but i just wanna be clear as a hall of mirrors on butler island
TG: like you said man, cultural differences. i think the quadrants thing is just a little too culturally different for me
TG: but thats just like. how your entire stuff works on your hellmurder planet and im not gonna be the guy who expects you to ditch your cultural norms because youre not living there anymore
TG: just cause im from texas doesnt mean im a republican
TG: so like. if us figuring out whatever shit might be going on between us is steering towards a quadrant thing im just gonna have to dip
TG: maybe thats me ducking the issue some more but at least you have advance notice this time
CG: RIGHT.
CG: SO, HERE'S THE OTHER THING.
CG: I THINK THE QUADRANTS ARE...ALSO SOMETHING I'VE BEEN QUESTIONING?
CG: I'LL SPARE YOU THE DETAILS OF ALL MY VARIOUS ROMANTIC FAILURES, BUT SOMETHING I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IS HOW THEY ALL SEEMED TO FALL APART FOR THE SAME REASON.
CG: WHICH IS THAT I CAN NEVER SEEM TO BE SATISFIED WITH HAVING SOMEONE IN JUST ONE QUADRANT.
TG: thats not normal right
CG: NOT AT FUCKING ALL.
CG: I'D JUST KIND OF RESIGNED MYSELF TO BLUNDERING THROUGH IT, THINKING I'D AGE OUT OF IT AS I GOT OLDER.
CG: AND THEN WE PLAYED THAT FUCKING GAME AND LOTS OF BULLSHIT HAPPENED AND
CG: I MET YOU.
CG: HUMANS I MEAN, NOT JUST YOU.
CG: AS WE'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW MORE ABOUT EACH OTHER'S SPECIES, I REALIZED THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, CONCUPISCENT AND CONCILIATORY, ARE BASICALLY LIKE THE FOUR QUADRANTS, JUST ALL SMOOSHED TOGETHER LIKE THE SLURRY IN A MOTHER GRUB.
TG: now youre doing it
CG: FUCK, SORRY.
CG: BUT YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN RIGHT, LIKE ALL THE RELATIONSHIPS IN YOUR ROMANCE MOVIES ARE ESSENTIALLY COMBINATIONS OF MATESPRITSHIPS AND MOIRALLEGIANCES, SOMETIMES WITH A DASH OF AUSPISTICING. I HAVEN'T REALLY SEEN AN EQUIVALENT TO KISMESISSITUDE BUT MY POINT STANDS.
TG: well shit if we had access to the earth internet i could show you some human equivalents to the spades shit
CG: FUCK, REALLY? MAN, IF SOLLUX HADN'T STAYED BEHIND WITH ARADIA HE PROBABLY COULD HAVE GOTTEN US ACCESS TO IT. MAYBE WE'LL BE ABLE TO FIGURE SOMETHING OUT IN THE NEW SESSION.
CG: ANYWAY, WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY WAS...WHAT IF I'M LIKE, THE EQUIVALENT OF HUMAN GAY?
CG: AS A MALE HUMAN, YOU ARE MEANT TO ONLY FIND ATTRACTION TO FEMALES, AND VICE VERSA. YET YOU FEEL LIKE THAT WOULD NOT BE FULFILLING FOR YOU AND WANT TO EXPLORE YOUR OPTIONS WITH OTHER MALES.
CG: IF THE ROMANTIC NORM FOR TROLLS IS TO HAVE A DIFFERENT PARTNER IN EACH QUADRANT, BUT THAT'S NOT AN ARRANGEMENT I FIND FULFILLING...
CG: YOU COULD CONSIDER ME TO BE "TROLL GAY".
CG: AND IF WE'VE BOTH GOT SOME GAY SHIT TO FIGURE OUT
CG: WHY NOT DO IT TOGETHER?
CG: I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING OVER THERE. WHAT'S SO FUNNY.
TG: i just
TG: cannot fuckin believe this
TG: you could not script this shit
TG: all that bullshit i went through in the game and this is what is was leading to
TG: riding a meteor hurtling through space, breaking ground in the romantic sciences with an alien
TG: grappling with questions about my sexuality, while the alien does a fucked up intergalactic equivalent
TG: if youd tried to tell me a year ago that this was in my future i would not have believed you, even though you literally did try to tell me
TG: kinda
TG: look i promise im not laughing at you man
TG: i think its just one of those fucked up things
TG: you know?
CG: YEAH.
CG: WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY
CG: IT'S PRETTY FUCKING FUNNY.
TG: fuck it man
TG: lets do this
TG: lets figure out our human and alien gay shit together
TG: sloppy makeouts
TG: on the roof
TG: now

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]