Work Text:
Bowser growls and punches the buttons on his phone angrily. The fact he has no service is freaking nuts, given how much he PAYS FOR THIS THING! But fine! Whatever! Note to self: Send minions out to Snowy Blowy Summit to set up some phone towers, or SOMETHING.
Ugh, just great. Now what? Mario’s probably got a 1-UP or a Life Shroom in his inventory, or something, but BOWSER can’t get into MARIO’S inventory, and neither is Bowser going to take any chances!! Mario’s lost a lot of blood, and his breathing is shallow. He needs to get help, NOW.
The question is just: where? They’re in the middle of nowhere, it’s freezing cold, and Bowser DOESN’T HAVE PHONE SERVICE!!!
Mario is slung over his shoulder, and the sensation of Mario’s damp overalls on his scales is... kinda gross. Also, crap. If he’s bleeding enough it’s soaking through his overalls... that’s... bad, right?
Crap, crap. He probably shouldn’t keep Mario over his shoulder like this. He keeps jostling him. Bowser lifts him up with one hand and then gently places him in the cradle of his other arm. What else is he supposed to do?? Ugh, he’s got blood all over his hand, now, gross. He wipes that off on Mario’s overalls (they’re already gross, and Mario is too UNCONSCIOUS to CARE), before he fumbles at his phone again. Still no bars. Dang it!!
“Why! Won’t! You! WORK!?!?!?” he bellows at his phone. Mario moans, and Bowser straightens guiltily, clutching Mario closer to him. Right. Don’t jostle the plumber. And maybe hold him closer, to keep him warm...
(Good thing Mario distracted him, too. If he’d thrown or broken his phone, then they’d REALLY be screwed.)
...how much blood is a normal amount to lose, anyway? Mario is so small and he’s lost so much... Man, Bowser has GOT to start carrying some Mushrooms in his own inventory. Or maybe some Shroom Shakes?? Those taste way better, anyway. He doesn’t already, because he’s sturdier than that. A thousand cuts don’t touch him. But Mario doesn’t have scales... blades cut through his skin like paper... Stars, he really is losing a lot of blood.
The fact that anyone would do this makes Bowser sick with anger. Might sound rich, from the guy beating Mario up all the time, but he – he only gives what Mario can TAKE. And he doesn’t want Mario DEAD. He wants to WIN, and if Mario dies, that’s not winning, that’s –
Oh, finally! Civilization!! It’s some small little town, village, whatever, tucked between the hills. Wooden houses, coated in snow, charming smoke rising up lazily from chimneys. Bowser clutches Mario closer to his chest to protect him from the wind, and starts moving with purpose. Maybe he can finally get some help.
Is, you know, what he starts to think. But APPARENTLY, because he’s the BIG BAD KOOPA KING, everyone takes one look at him and runs. Great! Apparently the dying plumber isn’t enough to make anyone stop and consider extending help to a DYING MAN. Bowser would set Mario down, call for help, and run – if only he could TRUST like that. If only Mario wasn’t so COLD.
Ugh, whatever!! There’s a convenience store. Bowser muscles his way in before anyone can bolt the doors shut. This doesn’t stop the EMPLOYEE from bolting – Bowser catches sight of a penguin squealing before disappearing into the back room.
“I’VE GOT COINS!!!” Bowser shouts after it. “I CAN PAY!!!!!!!!!”
No response.
Well, fine, whatever. There’s a payphone. Bowser makes his way over to it, doing his best to be careful navigating between the shelves. This store was not built for someone his size, so he still knocks things over, but at least he doesn’t bash Mario’s head on anything, and that’s the most important part.
Bowser plops some coins into the payphone, then dials Kamek. It’s the only phone number he knows by heart.
Ring... Ring... Ring...
“Seriously,? Caller ID was a mistake...” Bowser grumbles. Click! This is Kamek, advisor to- blah blah blah, blah blah, BEEP! “I’M NOT SPAM!!! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!!!!”
Hang up. Pull the shivering plumber a bit closer as he waits for Kamek to check voicemail. Fork over more coins. Dial again.
This time Kamek picks up on the first ring.
“H- Hello?”
“KAMEK! I need retrieval, ASAP.”
The wording is more formal, but that’s how Kamek’s gonna know it’s a real emergency.
Which means Kamek gets straight to the point.
“Where are you?”
“Freaking. Snowy Blowy Summit. There’s a town, I’m in the konbini.”
“Dispatching now, Your Highness.”
A hesitation.
“Do... you want me to stay on the line?”
Ugh, no. Bowser’s an adult, thank you! He doesn’t need Kamek to hold his hand like he’s some kind of baby.
“I’m fine, thanks. Just hurry up! And send some healers, got it!?”
Bowser hangs up before Kamek can say anything.
Now for step two of his emergency plan. He probably could’ve gone straight to this one, but even if he doesn’t need Kamek to hold his hand, he... is... reassured that Kamek is on the way. And the best healers in the Koopa Kingdom will probably have a better idea about what to do about Mario than Bowser will.
Still. The konbini has another use, besides a payphone. Bowser doesn’t know what to do for a Mario bleeding half to death all over him, not exactly, but he’s watched Mario chomp down on a mushroom to heal some pretty nasty wounds before, no sweat. Even the healers are probably going to suggest it as a first try, so Bowser’s just gonna get ahead of them.
He slaps some coins on the counter – because he DID say he could pay! And even if he’s a liar sometimes, he has STANDARDS – and then starts rummaging around the mess he made of the store’s aisles to find a mushroom, or something.
It’d be a little easier if he set Mario down, but er, no. He’s not doing that.
Then he spots something. “Thank Stars! A Shroom Shake!”
Now he doesn’t have to worry about trying to make an unconscious Mario chew, the way he’s seen Luigi do sometimes. Bowser just has to pop the can open and pour some of the shake down Mario’s throat. Easy.
Mario shivers all over, makes a face and a groan, but doesn’t open his eyes. Fair enough. That probably didn’t get him much HP back, but it’s not nothing. Feeling a little lighter, Bowser starts looking around for another Shroom Shake. Did that can just roll over this way? Or...
Bowser suddenly has a snoutfull of plumber glove.
“Sweet of you...” Mario mumbles, patting Bowser’s snout.
“What?” Bowser says. “Huh? No?? SHUT UP??? NO I’M NOT????”
But Mario has already passed back out. His hand falls away from Bowser’s face. ...Bowser now has blood on his nose.
“EW????”
(At least Mario is okay.)