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To Ivan,
Ever since I've stopped seeing you I've felt something missing. I know it's wrong to want to see your face, the messed up version of it at least. But I just can't get over it. I can't get over you. So since I can't sing my feelings out I've decided to take up writing, or journaling as Issac calls it.
I suppose I should update you on what's happened. They made a museum of kids from all out DNA mixed together. Creepy, I know. The rebellion has been pretty good, we get by one day at a time. I'm still looking for Mizi, not because I like her but I know she could use someone who knows the pain we share.
I really don't know what else to say, but I'll be back to right more. I miss you.
Love, Till.
Dear Ivan,
Today we went on a search and rescue mission. We went through Anakt to see if there were any children or supplies left behind after it was shut down. Thankfully there were no kids but there was barely any supplies left. I did find something though, I found one of your unreleased records.
As soon as we got back to base I listened to it and I just haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. You sang with such conviction I almost forgot it was about me. Really Ivan, "So perfect" you and I both know I am anything but perfect. Or, at least I thought you knew.
Ever since I listened to it I've just been thinking about how little I really knew you. I didn't know your favourite colour, or what type of music you actually enjoyed singing. I didn't actually know any of your hobbies besides following me around. Hell, I didn't even know what your feelings for me were. [Was I really your best friend?]
I don't know. Oh, and don't think I didn't notice that "Unknown 'til the end" you snuck in there. Using my own song name in your song? Really? Cheep bastard. I have half the mind to show this to the public so I can sue your fucking owner.
It wasn't a bad song all things considered. [It was nice to hear your voice again too.]
Love, Till
My dearest Ivan,
Today the kids asked about you. Apparently they censored our kiss during replays but the stupid alien tech glitched and they saw it. Sometimes I wonder if you knew that word. "Kiss". Such an odd thing to be called for something so deep. I'm getting off track though, I had no clue what to tell them. They didn't have a clue about kissing, nor why me and you were doing it. I told them how it was an intimate act, something only people who loved each other did.
They asked me where you were. If you loved me so much then why weren't you here. I didn't have a fucking clue what to tell them. So I told them that it was too cold down here for you to stay, that you had to leave even though you wanted to stay with me. Now you're up on another planet, a safe and happy one, and you wait for it to get too cold for me down here as well so I can come up to join you.
They seemed to buy it pretty well, honestly I forgot how gullible we all were at that age. I suppose me more so than you seeing as I thought you were an all knowing bastard. It's weird to think back and realize you were just as scared and confused as me.
I told myself this wouldn't be a sad letter so I suppose I should stop while I'm ahead. Just know that I miss you every day, and when it gets too cold down here for me I won't be so upset that I'll have to meet you.
Love, Till.
My dearest Ivan,
Normally I write these outside on the roof to get away from everything. All the chaos and loudness isn't bad, just too much sometimes and seeing the bare sky helps remind me of you. Sadly it's far too cold outside to sit up on the roof. Plus my plan of not scaring the kids backfired as now when it gets cold out they won't let me go three steps outside out of fear that I'll leave them to go meet you. The little pink haired one with your eyes seems to hold a personal vendetta against you for wanting to take me away. It's quite cute and awfully reminescient of you.
Even though I can't go up to the roof to see you in the stars I still feel a little less alone sitting in my room. I get to stare at all my drawings and try to write songs about you. You know I found this old beat that I wrote way back when, and I found one of those language books at some old alien sight. It's called "Spanish" and I was thinking of adding it to my new song. I don't know, writing songs now is difficult without having you to give input. Unsolicited or not, I suppose it's missed.
Honestly I haven't really been writing, more just lying in my bed. Lately I've been feeling so uninspired. I've been trying not to let the grim thoughts take a hold of me again but I just keep thinking, if we all die then really what's the point? But my mind just keeps going back to what you said. When you talked about how I would be when you were dead and gone, how I would be alright. And now you are and here I am, still left here. I am the only memory left of what love you held for me, and yet I don't even understand it.
I don't know how I didn't see it. You were so sad. So sure I wouldn't care. Why were you so sure? Even years later now I still fail to understand even a sliver of your brain. But I'm left here all alone anyways, living proof that the world keeps turning. With nothing better to do but stare at the ceiling and think about how your brain could have worked. Knowing I won't even be able to get an answer.
I miss you.
Love, Till.
Dearest Ivan,
I was out on a mission to find more information today at a food place today. I saw this guy and I thought it was you. I couldn't do anything but stare, yet all I could notice were the things that weren't you.
His hair was too long, with a little curl at the end. He was missing that prim and proper styling you always had to your hair as well, but maybe if you had escaped that how your hair would look too. His clothes were dirty and reminded me of when I first met you. I stared for far longer than these people would consider normal and probably fat too little for how you would stare at me. I had to turn my gaze for just one moment, but by the time I looked back he was gone. In that sense he really was like you.
A part of me wants to hope it was you. That maybe my memories of you are so far gone that I couldn't even recognize you right in front of me. But a bigger part of me knows that I could never forget your face. Not with the last memories I have of the real you.
It just all hit me again that I'll never be able to see you again. Never be able to hear your voice without it being from a broken speaker. Never see you smile your real smile at me. Seven years later I still get freaked out when I look over my shoulder and don't see you there. I don't think I'll ever be used to it.
Sometimes I curse you for taking up such a large space in my life, in my mind. For not letting me notice and appreciate it while you were still here. For not letting me love you before you left. For making me experience the cold all alone now. But I know it's not fair, it's not your fault you were scared. We both didn't have the word family back then, we didn't know any better. You didn't even know what your love was.
I hope one day that maybe the planet down here will be warm enough for you to come back. That maybe you'll realize I can keep you warm if you just come back to me. I miss you, I promise I'll keep you warm.
Until we meet again, Till.
To my dearest Till,
I never thought I would do what I did. I didn't mean to scare you like that. To taint you with my twistedness, to hurt you out of my own selfish greed. However I truly did think you would remain unaffected by my actions. I thought that my constant sharpness would render any care you had for me nonexistent. I suppose you always loved to surprise me though. If I had known that nothing I could have done would cause you to dislike me I would have been kinder.
To think that Sua was right, that all I ever became was a burden to you. Even now she pesters me for my own hypocrisy. Though I will never admit it to her, I suppose she is correct.
By the time you receive this letter you will hopefully be far older and will have moved on to a far kinder person. Even so, I must thank you for being the victim of my shallow emotions.
And please know, it was never a matter of me believing you could not keep me warm. I just didn't want you to be cold because of me.
Eternally yours, Ivan.