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Captain Adam Longbeard was resting. He had just finished a very difficult case and thought he rather deserved a good rest in the sun. See, the funny thing about Captain Longbeard was that he was a pirate..but not just a pirate. He was also a detective which was really cool. He had a long black beard, because all real pirates had a beard, and a big mustache which curled up all fancy-like at the ends because everyone knows detectives have those just as everyone knows detectives also carry pipes with them everywhere.
Currently he was sitting on the deck of his ship (Adam only knew of two parts the ship had. The sail and ”the deck” which he had heard in a movie once and assumed that meant the entire ship.) enjoying the warmth from the sun on his scarred skin. His crew was also resting after a long day of being pirates and doing pirate stuff, like fighting and stealing. He was planning on doing nothing for the rest of the day because he really was tired. Even pirates could be tired.
But then his parrot Polly (Adam’s 11, parrots can not have another name even if he wanted to.) came swooping down the sky and landed on Longbeards shoulder. Attached to his right leg was a letter. He opened it and read quietly infront of his crew. The letter was from America and told him all about a new case only he could solve. They had tried asking Sherlock Holmes for help but he couldn’t do it because he was nowhere near as cool and good at case-solving as Captain Longbeard.
According to the letter he needed to travel to the wild west.
—————
Sailing all the way to America was a very long way so it took at least a couple days, which is basically eternity. Captain Longbeard and his crew sailed extremely fast though because he had an absolutely wicked ship which was much faster than any old, boring, normal ship. (The only ship adam had been on hadn’t actually been a ship but an old abandoned rowboat The Them had found. They had quickly given up on it due to the speed, or rather, the lack of it.) But during those few days out on the sea the crew drank, sung and laughed - simply enjoying the break from pirating.
They arrived in America very well rested and ready to cause trouble. Sadly Captain Longbeard told them ”no” for he had a case to solve before any pirate stuff could be done. He was a pirate but he was also a detective and detectives took their jobs very, very, very seriously. Otherwise the bad guys would get away.
——
Arriving in America by boat, as pirates did, meant they started at the docks. Fortunately the town was close and it wasn’t a long journey there. Captain Longbeard and his crew rented a few horses and took off and within a couple hours they arrived. The small western town was called Tadfeild Tradville. The captain sent off his crew to to the local inn and headed for the sheriffs office because it was he who had sent the letter.
——
”Hold on, why is the Sheriff a he?” Pepper argued.
”Because in movies the sheriff’s always a man with a mustache. You can’t be a sheriff without a mustache, everyone knows that.” Explained Adam with a tone suggesting he was tired of explaining something that was common knowledge.
”Women can have moustaches!”
”No they can’t.” Mumbled Brian with a mouth full of something or the other.
”Actually they can, corrected Wendsleday, we saw one at the circus, remember?”
They all gave this the amount of thought it deserved and decided that yes, women can have moustaches.
———-
The sheriff quickly welcomed him in and told him to take a seat so she could explain the case. Petting her big curly-at-the-end mustache, as all sheriffs and detectives had, she started explaining in a heavy cowboy-like accent. (Adam was imagining a Texan accent but to an 11 year old that simply translates to cowboy)
”We used to be a peaceful lil town. Least til the incidents started. Cows disappearing in the middle of the night, kids too. Coming back with a vacant look in their eyes and cows no long’a milkin. People are scared, mister detective.”
Captain Longbeard considered this long and hard. Then he said ”Have you asked the kids what happend?”
”Yes, sir. Kids barely speak as it is after. Specially not bout what happend to em.”
”Alright, I’ll do it. I’m gonna figure this out, don’t worry.” He then stood up and dramatically walked out the door, leaving it swinging behind him.
He headed for the inn to meet with his crew. They were all sat at the bar drinking with eachother and making friends with the cowboys. It had all happend rather fast because the pirates thought being a cowboy sounded wicked and the cowboys thought being a pirate was awesome.
When the captain walked in it quiteted in the bar, not silent, the men respected their captain but also knew he was a good man and didn’t fear him. He walked over and sat down at the bar ordering ”one of them drinks with alcohol” and his men listened intently for what he would say. He didn’t say anything. Finally one of the braver men questioned him ”Captain..? What’s the case?”. The captain stayed silent for a moment.
Then ”Abduction, he sighed, kids and cows.” The men thought this over and then asked ”Who?” The Captain didn’t have an answer, which was unusual because he often solved the cases without ever getting up from his chair. That’s how good he was.
The men went back to drinking but more subdued this time, and they would continue doing so for the rest of the night.
————
In the morning the Captain got out of bed and headed down to the inns bar where they also served food. None of his crew was there because they were pirates and if you’re a pirate you can sleep however long you want, no parents to bug you to get out of bed. The captain was only up this early because he hadn’t been able to sleep not knowing what was going on. He worried like that. When the captain worried, he really worried.
There was a nice old lady behind the counter with frizzy red hair and a smile that really had no bussines being there so early in the morning. No one oughta be smiling that early.
”What can I get ya, sir?” She drawled in a southern accent. (Southern accent was diffrent than a cowboy-accent in Adams mind. Only cowboys had cowboy-accents and she was obviously not a cowboy)
”Whatever you got to eat this early..” he muttered, clearly tired.
”Coming right up, sir!”
He laid down his head in his hands and almost drifted to sleep but it wasn’t too long until he had a bowl of oatmeal and stale bread before him and the way it slammed down - that really woke him up, loud as anything it was.
He quickly scarfed the meal down along with a glass of water and then he was ready to go. He had important places to be and a mystery to solve. He also had to go to the bathroom but that’s a different story.
————
Captain longbeard stood outside a farm, one of those farms with really big plant-filled fields. He hadn’t seen anything unusal yet but he was sure he would find it. He was starting his investigation at the farm because the sheriff had told him that cows had been going missing, which rang an alarm in his head but he couldn’t remember why, and he thought he might get more out of the farmer than the kids. The farmer was also a cowboy, as one was if you were a man and lived in America.
”Hi, I’m the detective, you might have heard I was coming?” Or atleast he hopes so. It was always easier when they knew you were coming, that way they could feel prepared instead of ambushed.
”Yes, sir.” The farmer answered without taking out the wheat straw in his mouth.
”What happend to your cows?”
”Abduction.”
”I know, that’s why I’m here, Captain Longbeard sighed, What I’m asking is if you can tell me anything more about it..”
”Why didn’t you say that then?” The farmer walked away with a hand signaling that the detective should follow. They walked to the other side of the barn where there was another field. But this one looked.. off.
When the detective took a closer look he realised why, the field had weird and intricate marks all over it. Almost as if something had landed and bent the grass..
”Started appearing the same time the cow abductions did.” The farmer sighed. It was right there, on the tip of his tongue, the detective knew what it was, he was sure of it.. He just couldn’t remember exactly what it was he knew.
”And the cows? Do they come back?”
”Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t.”
”And those that return, do they act different?”
”Cant say they do. Not that I noticed atleast.”
Weird. What was it that traumatised the kids but not the cows?
”Actually.. they are more tired than usual. But thats not because of the abductions. It’s because of those damn lights that they can’t sleep!”
Lights? Why would there be lights? ”Lights?” He asked.
”Yeah, them blue lights over the fields at night.” The farmer did not have any lights out there, he would have seen them. So what was the lights thats only appeared at night?
Oh.
————
Returning to the inn Captain Longbeard knew what was happening. He couldn’t believe but it couldn’t possibly be anything else. His men were awake by now and were heartily drinking when he walked in. It didn’t matter what time it was because it was wine o’clock somewhere in the world, and also, they were pirates. The captain sat down on a chair and looked at his crew in that way so they all knew he had something important to say.
”I know what it is.” The captain muttered.
The men cheered! Their Captain had figured it out! Another win for Detective Captain Longbeard! But.. why did he look so.. sad? No - dejected! That was the word!
”Captain, what is it?” One of the braver ones spoke up.
It was quiet and then.. ”Aliens.” He said it so quietly no one heard. ”What?”
”Aliens.” They all heard this time. Aliens.. The pirates knew aliens weren’t real but if their Captain said it.. Well.
”What are we gonna do..?”
”The only thing we can do.. fight.” This was war, they all knew it. The pirates and cowboys against the aliens.
—————-
That night the pirates and townspeople gathered, hidden in the fields, at the farm. They knew the aliens came here every night and this time they were prepared. Infact, they had had a big meeting in the town hall during the day plotting for this. They were ready and now all they could do was wait.
After about an hour of waiting in the pitch dark they saw a light. The aliens were here. They flew around for a minute or so before stopping to hover over a cow. The captain raised his hand and signaled to one of his crew who quickly did it to someone else who did to someone else until everyone knew. The captain stood up, only the captain, and rushed over to the cow, pushed it out of the way and stood under the light. He started to rise towards the UFO and got about halfway up until the aliens realised something was wrong. He was unceremoniously dropped to the ground with a thud
He stood his ground and his newly found army stayed in position but ready as soon as he signaled. The UFO focused their light on the Captain so they could see what had happened. After confirming that, no, that was not a weirdly shaped cow, they started nearing the ground. They were landing.
After it landed nothing happend for a minute and everyone started wondering if anything was gonna happen at all. But then, the door started opening, lowering down into a ramp. No one could see anything inside the ship as it was radiating a white light bright enough to blind all those around. Except the Captain, for he was too cool to be blinded by a mere light. Smoke also poured out of the opening. It was all very cool and the Captain had appreciated it if they hadn’t been the bad guys.
Shadows formed in the light and out of the smoke came the aliens. They were big.. and weirdly shaped.. infact, they kind of looked like…
Dinosaurs.
————
”Dinosaurs?” She almost sounded offended by the idea of it.
”Yeah, dinosaurs, s’what I said isn’t it?”
”Yes, but aliens are creatures from outer
space and dinosaurs are actually from earth.” Countered Wensleydale.
”And their dead.” Added Brian.
”I know their dead, everyone knows their dead, but they could have gotten on the ship before they all died, couldn’t they?”
”How could the dinosaurs have a ship?” Wondered Pepper. Before Adam could answer he was interrupted by Brian.
”How could they live that long? Dinosaurs died millions of years ago.”
”How am I supposed to know? I wasn’t there, was I?”
”They could have time-traveled!” Brian answered his own question and Adam glared at him. The glare he gave any of The Them who had an idea he wanted to have come up with.
”Do you want to hear the story or not?”
The Them decided that, yes, they did. It was at the most interesting part of the story, they couldn’t stop now. So they sat quietly again and waited for Adam to start again.
————
The aliens dinosaurs aliens stepped out of the UFO and onto the ground. There was only 5 that had stepped out but without a doubt there was more inside the ship. It was probably crawling with them. (In some cases quite literally. They couldn’t ALL be big and scary.)
The Captain raised his hand and signalled, very calm and cool, to his army.
With a yell they all ran out of their hiding places, both cowboys and pirates. Some of the cowboys even came riding in on horses, as one does if your a cowboy, and their job was to catch and bind the dinosaurs with their lassos. The rest had guns and all other kind of cool and wicked weapons.
The dinosaurs were suprised but quickly recovered. With a roar from the obvious leader dinosaur, a T-rex, they too rushed forward. If you asked anyone who happend to witness the fight they wouldn’t be able to say what happend except that it was cool, loud and covered by dust flowing up from the ground.
One dinosaur with a big club-like tail managed to hit one of the cowboys on horses, he flew into the wall of the farmhouse and the horse ran off, terrified, into the darkness. One of the pirates managed to shot the leg of one the bigger dinosaurs but fell unconscious when the very same dinosaur collapsed on him. The sheriff managed to defeat at least three smaller dinosaurs and one big one before the t-rex caught her leg in it’s jaw. She screamed as the beast gnawed until her leg was barely hanging on. The Captain saw her and charged to the dinosaur with his gun in hand and almost made it before it kicked him with it’s leg.
He was barely conscious but scrambled for his gun. He couldn’t find it. Where was it? There was too much noise, too many screams, roars and gunshots to focus. And the ringing in his head didn’t help either. He couldn’t see properly either because of all the dust kicked up. He crawled around on the ground, desperately searching. He felt the tears threatening to spill and his sight became even blurrier. (The Captain was very cool and because of that he knew that crying was nothing to be ashamed of. Expressing your emotions properly was very manly and healthy.)
Finally, he found something vaguely gun-shaped so he assumed it was most likely his gun. Standing up with it tightly wrapped in his hand and rubbing his eyes to get the sand out of it he pointed at the dinosaur. He pulled the trigger. The gunshot ringed in his ears and he fell backwards from the pressure of it. The bullet hit the dinosaur right in the eye because no matter what - the captain was a damn good shot.
It dropped the sheriff and one of the cowboys immediately ran to her.
The other dinosaurs, realising that their leader was down, ran. The retreated to their ship with the humans tight on their heels. Smaller dinosaurs came rushing out of the UFO and quickly dragged their leader back in. The UFO unsteadily took off into the air. The pirates and cowboys shot at the retreating ship and it struggled to get away but eventually managed.
For a long while everyone just stood there, watching. They had won and it hadn’t quite hit yet. But then it did. And they all cheered so loud you could hear it from miles away. They were battered, and tired, and all of them injured. But it was over, and they had won.
They all laughed and cheered until they couldn’t stand, they then collapsed to the ground, exhausted but happy.
—————
The next day rolled around and it was time for the pirates to take their leave. They had spent the night before drinking with the cowboys in their victory. At least those whose injuries were minor enough to do so.
In the morning they had all slept late because they deserved it after yesterdays fight. When they woke up they had started packing their bags and then went down to eat breakfast at the inn where the meal was ”on the house, dearies”. They were slow in the morning but they had a great morning anyway.
When they had to leave the entire town gathered to say their goodbye. They paid the detective captain and, against the entire crews protest, loaded them with handmade gifts and food as a thanks.
The sheriff was also there and as it turned out, the cowboy who had ran to her yesterday was the sheriff’s wife. She was helping to hold up the sheriff as unfortunately she had lost her leg after the fight yesterday.
”Thank you, mister detective , truly.”
”Glad to help, sheriff.”
The pirates got on their horses and after one last wave goodbye they were off.
Case solved.
————
”What’s this?”
”I’d reckon it’s a book, angel.”
”Yes, I can see that but what is it doing in my bookshop? It’s not mine, that’s for sure.”
Crowley looked up from his phone. He knew how much the angel cared about his bookshop and any disturbance to it.
”What book is it?”
”Captain Longbeard by… Adam Young.”
”Adam Young? Isn’t that the antichrist kid?” He stood up and walked over to Aziraphale’s side. The book was bound in leather just like all of the angels other books but was clearly not as old.
”I though I had found all his little new additions.” The angel mused.
”You want me to get rid of it?” He doubted the angel would say yes but if he did the book would most likely end up in a little library somewhere if not Crowleys own, admittedly small, collection.
”No, no, I believe it’s a first edition so waste not, want not as you say.”
”I believe it’s the only edition considered it’s written by an eleven year old.”
Aziraphale stared at it with very thoughtful look. Crowley knew that look.
”You want to sit down and read it, don’t you?”
The angel looked at him a bit guilty and nodded. A book was a book, no matter the author or said authors age.
”Alright. Read it to me?” He asked softly. He took the angels hand and together they walked to the couch in the backroom. Aziraphale sat down and Crowley laid down with his head in the angels lap. He began to read.
”Captain Longbeard was resting…”