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Chapter Text

   Evan blinked awake slowly to the familiar sounds of the hospital. The steady beeping of his heart monitor would normally relax him, but this time it filled him with nothing but dread. Still, he knew he couldn’t keep his eyes closed forever, no matter how much he wanted to. After taking a deep, steadying breath, Evan opened his eyes. 

   The first thing he saw was the blinding fluorescent lights on the ceiling, causing him to rapidly blink against the sudden ache in his head. Evan closed his eyes again and groaned, lifting a hand in an attempt to rub the pain away from his eyes. There was a quiet gasp next to him, making his eyes fly open again. He hadn’t expected to have any visitors upon waking up- not after what he had done to land himself here. When he looked to see who accompanied him, he was momentarily off-put. 

    He didn’t recognize the stranger sitting in the chair beside his bed, although his stomach fluttered madly at the mere sight of him. The man was older, maybe in his mid thirties, with dark, wavy brown hair and matching warm brown eyes. He was incredibly handsome, even with the five o’clock shadow and bags of worry under his eyes. His clothes were meant for comfort, but they were rumpled, as if he had been sitting by Evan’s bedside for a while. 

   “Hey,” the stranger said softly, smiling at him. “You’re finally awake.” 

   Evan was so flabbergasted that he could do nothing but nod, unsure of what to say. Why was this stranger at his side in the hospital, after what happened? 

   Oh. Suddenly, Evan knew why he was there. He must have been one of those volunteers who watch people like him, when there was nobody else to take the job. It made sense, and having an answer for the man’s presence and apparent worry made him relax a bit. The man leaned over his head to press the nurse call button on his headboard, still smiling like he was genuinely pleased to see him awake. 

   It didn’t take long for a nurse and doctor to hustle inside, both of them with practical, less-genuine smiles fixed to their faces. The nurse immediately moved to Evan’s side to look at his vitals, and he silently watched her. 

   “Good to see you awake, Mr. Buckley,” the doctor said, glancing down at his chart. “You gave us quite a scare.” 

   “Sorry,” Evan said automatically, a little embarrassed. He couldn’t believe that it didn’t work- that his parents had bothered checking on him in time to send him here. Clearly though, since they weren’t here, they were mad at him for doing it. 

   “I just have a few questions to run through before we take you for a few check-ups,” the doctor, who’s I.D. tag read “Dr. Carmichael,” said. “First, can you tell me your full name and date of birth?” 

   “Evan James Buckley, April 6th, 1991,” he recited, his voice a little hoarse. The doctor nodded, checking something off on the chart. 

   “Alright, good. Do you remember what happened to you?” 

   Evan thought that was odd wording- ‘what had happened to you,’ as opposed to ‘what you did’- but he nodded anyway. “Yes, I- I remember.” 

   The stranger next to him reached over to squeeze his forearm, but Evan couldn’t make himself look at him. That swooping feeling in his stomach was back, completely humiliating him. 

   “Alright,” Dr. Carmichael said, seeming to accept the answer. Evan was glad she didn’t press him for details. “Can you tell me what you think the date is, Mr. Buckley? Or at least the last date you remember?” 

   “Sure- It’s September 16th, 2007.” 

   That made everybody in the room freeze, turning to stare at him with surprised eyes. Evan was immediately put on edge, unsure of what he’d said wrong. Cautiously he asked, “Is… That not right?” 

   The stranger next to him grabbed his hand, making Evan instinctively turn to face him. The man looked terrified, which only made the panic in Evan’s chest increase tenfold. “Buck,” he began slowly. “It’s August 22nd, 2022.” 

   Evan’s jaw nearly hit the ground. “What?” 

   “Mr. Buckley, how old do you think you are?” Dr. Carmichael asked. 

   “Sixteen,” Evan replied, a little dazed. His mind did quick math and, for the first time, he looked down at himself. The body he was attached to was not the one he remembered- his chest was frankly massive, as were his biceps, forearms and hands. When he lifted his hands to take a closer look at them, he noticed plenty of small scars and calluses that he definitely didn’t remember earning. 

   “I’m thirty-one?” He croaked, sure his eyes were as wide as dinner plates. 

   The man next to him, who Evan was now certain he was supposed to know, nodded. Dr. Carmichael was conversing with the nurse frantically now, their voices low so Evan couldn’t overhear what they were saying. Even so, it didn’t take a genius to recognize the urgency in their tones, or to know that something like this would mean copious amounts of tests. He’d been in the hospital enough times to know the drill. Dr. Carmichael turned and addressed the stranger, rather than Evan. 

   “We’re going to have to take him for testing, and see if we can’t figure out why this is happening.” 

   “Yes, okay,” the man nodded, getting out of his seat. “I- I’m going to call everyone, let them know what’s going on.” He took a step away from the bed before he paused and turned back to Evan with a small, forced smile. “I’ll… I’ll be here when you get back, okay?” 

   Despite not knowing him, the assurance eased some of the fear in Evan’s gut. “Okay,” he whispered. “Um… what’s your name?” 

   The question caused a wave of pain to fall over the man’s face, but he masked it quickly enough with another false smile. “My name is Eddie. Eddie Diaz.” 

   It suited him, Evan thought. He nodded, and Eddie once again headed for the door. Evan watched his back until he couldn’t see him anymore, wondering if the pulling feeling in his chest meant anything. 

   (x) 

    Eddie was on the verge of a panic attack and he knew it. He practically bolted from Buck’s room, his feet carrying him to the waiting room on autopilot. Only when he was sitting down did he allow himself to break, his hands trembling as violently as his breaths as he struggled to get his phone out of his back pocket. 

   Maddie had demanded that he call her with any updates, but somehow Eddie didn’t think that this was what she had been expecting. On the 118’s last call the night before, Buck had somehow managed to get struck in the head by a piece of falling debris. They’d taken him to the hospital, and the doctors had assured them that all it seemed to be was a concussion. 

   Clearly, something in Buck’s brain had been damaged. He thought it was 2007- he thought he was sixteen. The thought of everything that could be wrong with his best friend only made him panic harder, nearly missing the icon to call Maddie. He finally made it though, lifting the phone to his ear. While it rang he tried to calm his breathing, hearing Frank’s voice in his mind. ‘In for five, hold for four, out for five.’ When Maddie picked up on the fourth ring, he at least managed not to sound like he was being strangled anymore. 

   “Eddie?” Maddie said, a smile in her voice. “Did our boy finally wake up? I hope you saved some yelling about his recklessness for me.” 

   Eddie swallowed hard, hating that he was going to be the one to ruin her good day. “Maddie,” he choked out.” 

   She went on high alert with just that one word, recognizing his tone. “What’s wrong? What happened?” She sounded just as alarmed as he felt. 

   “Buck, he- He has amnesia,” Eddie confessed, hardly able to believe it himself. “He thinks it’s 2007 and he’s sixteen years old.” 

   “What?!” Maddie gasped, eerily similar to how Buck had said it minutes before. “That’s- That’s- Why-“ 

   “I don’t know,” Eddie said. “But he has no idea who I am. Mads, you need to get here. I think he could use a familiar face.” 

   “I’m on my way now,” Maddie declared, shuffling sounds in the background confirming it. “I’ll get Howie to tell the others, so don’t worry about that. Just- Just stay put, okay?” 

   “I’m not going anywhere,” Eddie promised. Even if he wanted to, he didn’t trust himself to drive anywhere. Besides, he could never leave Buck alone for something like this. No matter how much it may hurt that Buck didn’t know who he was, he knew Buck would stay for him. The least he could do was be as good of a friend to Buck as Buck was to him. 

   (x) 

    “Retrograde amnesia,” Dr. Carmichael said, showing Evan a few scans of his brain. He peered at the image of his head, unable to pick out if there was anything out of the ordinary. “I have to say, this is an extremely unusual case. I’ve never personally dealt with anyone losing so much time before.” 

   Evan was almost afraid to ask. “Will… Will I ever get my memories back?” 

   Dr. Carmichael nodded. “It appears that there is simply some swelling around this area of your brain.” She gestured to a spot near his temples, but he again couldn’t distinguish anything amiss. “With any luck, as the swelling heals, your memories will gradually return to you.”

   Evan opened his mouth to answer, relieved, only to be interrupted by the door to the room bursting open. A woman rushed inside, and for a terrible moment, Evan didn’t recognize her. 

   “Oh my god, Evan,” she said, locking eyes with him, and just like that, he knew. 

   “Maddie?” He asked, jaw practically on the floor. The man from before- Eddie Diaz- came in behind her, but Evan didn’t pay him any mind. He was too stuck on seeing his sister for the first time in years. As far as he remembered, she had married her husband Doug two years before, and hadn’t come to see him since. They occasionally texted, but Evan had given up on ever having any sort of relationship with her months ago. It was part of why he had done what he’d done. 

   She looked older, which he supposed made sense if it had really been fifteen years. Her hair was cut around her shoulders, with some lighter strands woven throughout the dark chestnut. She looked good- happier than Evan had seen her in a long time, despite the clear anxiety she held for him. 

   Maddie collapsed into the chair at his side that Eddie had previously occupied, reaching out to grab his hand tightly. When she looked up at Dr. Carmichael, it was with teary eyes. “What’s happening to him?” 

   Dr. Carmichael explained her findings again for their new audience, while Evan took the time to study his sister. He was vaguely aware of Eddie taking the vacant seat next to Maddie, but he made sure not to look at him, too afraid of doing something mortifying, like blushing. 

   “So he’ll remember?” Eddie asked when the doctor finished. “The memories aren’t gone forever?” 

   “Of course, I can make no guarantees, but I am fairly confident that they will come back.” 

   Well, that was ominous. Evan tried not to dwell on that. 

   “There is one question I wanted to ask you, Mr. Buckley,” she redirected, looking at Evan once more. “I couldn’t find any record of a hospital visit or catalogued injuries around September of 2007 in your medical records. When you woke up, you seemed to have some idea of why you might be here. Did you perhaps receive another head injury around that time?” 

   Evan’s blood ran cold. He glanced at Maddie, finding her looking back at him questioningly. Eddie too seemed curious; obviously, neither of them knew about what Evan had done in their past. His current, non-amnesiac self hadn’t told them. 

    “Um,” he said, tearing his eyes away to look at the doctor. “N-No. There was no head injury.” 

    The woman seemed to realize that he didn’t want to talk about it, because she just nodded. “Alright then. I would like to keep you for a few more hours for monitoring, but after that, you’ll be free to go.” To his guests, she said, “I trust one of you will be wanting to take him home?” 

   “We’ll talk about it,” Maddie nodded. Dr. Carmichael said goodbye and hurried off to deal with her other patients, leaving the three of them alone. Once she was gone, Rvan tried to change the subject away from her question. 

   “Maddie, what are you doing here?” He asked. Maddie winced a bit, but her comforting smile didn’t fall. 

   “I moved here after you four years ago,” she explained, squeezing his hand. “I finally got away from Doug and came to find you.”

    Her wording made Evan pause. “Okay… And, uh, where is ‘here’?” 

   “L.A.,” Eddie replied, making Evan look at him. He too smiled, although his eyes were sad. “I moved here at the same time as Maddie. We met at the fire station and became best friends.” 

   “Best friends?” Evan echoed, his voice small. Eddie’s face turned confused. 

   “Is that surprising?” 

   Evan flushed, looking down at his lap. He was once again startled by the sight of his new body, still not quite used to the musculature. “I’ve never had a best friend before.” He didn’t dare look up to see what the man’s reaction might be. He wouldn’t be able to take seeing pity. 

   Thankfully, Maddie seemed to discern his discomfort, because she again changed the subject. “So Buck, what’s the last thing you remember?” 

   Evan had to stop her, glancing between the two of them. Blessedly, Eddie’s face was devoid of any of the pity he had been fearing. “Uh, what is that, by the way? Why are you calling me ‘Buck’?” 

   Eddie and Maddie exchanged a glance, but it was Maddie who answered him. “Well… At some point, you asked that everybody stop calling you Evan and start calling you Buck.” She tilted her head a bit. “Would you like us to call you Evan?” 

   “Please,” Evan mumbled, glancing away. “I- I won’t respond to Buck.” 

   “That’s okay,” Eddie said, his voice gentle. “There’s no need to be embarrassed if it’s what you want.” 

   Even so, Evan’s face burned again. He could practically feel the man’s eyes on him, and it was seriously affecting him. It was like his body was conditioned to respond to Eddie. Maybe the future him had feelings for the man? It honestly wouldn’t surprise him. 

   The sound of a phone ringing startled Evan out of his thoughts, making him flinch. Eddie pulled something out of his pocket; it was a long, flat screen. “What is that?” He burst, eyes wide. Both Eddie and Maddie looked surprised, before they laughed. 

   “It’s my phone,” Eddie explained, holding it out so Evan could get a closer look. To Maddie he said, “I’ve got to take this, it’s Carla.” He got to his feet and answered as he left the room. Evan watched him go before turning back to Maddie. She squeezed his hand again. 

   “So,” she began, “Eddie is probably going to fight me to be able to look after you. He has a son named Christopher that adores you, and you adore him right back. They’re your family.” She said the last part quietly and decisively, like she really wanted him to hear it. 

   It was that word that caught his attention. “Family?” He asked, perhaps a little too hopefully. 

   “Yeah,” Eddie said, having entered the room again without either of the siblings noticing. Evan turned to face him, praying he hadn’t picked up on the slight desperation in his question. “You’re my family, Evan.” 

   Despite asking him to, something about Eddie calling him Evan felt… off. It wasn’t necessarily bad- in fact, Evan kind of liked it- but the name rolled off of Eddie’s tongue like something hardly said. 

   It was really starting to hit him that he, Buck, had an entire other life. He had Maddie and he had Eddie and his son, creating a family that Evan had only dared to dream about. 

    He finally had something to live for. 

Chapter Text

     The 118 had been texting Eddie since Chimney had updated them on Buck’s condition, so as Maddie explained a bit about her and Buck’s life to the amnesiac, Eddie took the chance to text their blown-up group chat. 

    Eddie: Buck’s okay. He thinks it’s 2007 and he’s sixteen years old. I’m going to take him home in a few hours and we’ll see how he feels about meeting you guys. Good news- doc says it’s most likely temporary. 

Hen: Most likely?? 

Chimney: i don’t like those odds. 

Athena: This is Buck. Keeper of legs, survivor of tsunamis and embolisms. He’ll get his memory back. 

Bobby: Keep us updated kid. How’s he doing with all of this? 

Eddie: It’s… weird. I guess I always figured that teenage Buck was exactly the same as current Buck. 

Hen: Is he… not? 

Chimney: what’s he like?? 

Eddie: For one, get used to calling him Evan. 

Chimney: oh shit 

Hen: I have never once called that kid Evan. 

Eddie: Well, prepare yourself then. He’s very… shy. And kind of… 

   Eddie paused to try and find the right word, his eyes flicking up to watch his best friend. On the outside, he looked exactly the same as always; not physically any younger or smaller, just the same old Buck. Yet, the longer Eddie watched, the more differences he saw. 

   He was no longer looking at Buck. He was looking at Evan. The way he sat with slumped shoulders, like he was trying to make himself smaller, take up less room. The careful way he listened to his sister talk, and the look in his eyes as she did. Like he was questioning why she was even there. 

   Just like that, Eddie realized something. He had thought he knew a lot about Buck- his favorite food, his favorite movie, the way he ducked his head when he smiled, or thumbed along his birthmark when he was uncomfortable. But despite all of these years, the stories Eddie got about Buck’s past all began at nineteen years old, after he’d left Pennsylvania. Somehow, Eddie had never noticed. In fact, the only meaningful thing Eddie knew about Evan’s home life was that he’d once had a brother that he’d never known about. 

   And oh god, Buck didn’t know about Daniel anymore. 

   Eddie glanced back down at his phone, seeing his prolonged silence had sparked questions. 

Hen: Kind of…? 

Chimney: dude, the suspense

Bobby: Eddie? Everything alright over there? 

Athena: ^^ 

   Eddie shook his head and typed the first word that came to mind. Honestly, it was kind of the perfect fit. 

Eddie: Melancholic. He just seems really sad and surprised that anyone even cares about him. 

   There wasn’t really much to say, after that. 

  (x) 

   A few hours later, Evan found himself riding in the passenger side of Eddie’s truck. Despite the man basically being a stranger to him, Evan was surprised by how comfortable he felt there, hardly anxious or nervous at all. Maybe it was the fact that he kept having feelings that he couldn’t explain. In any case, “Buck” trusted him, and if Buck- who, according to Maddie, was kind of a badass- trusted him… Well, Evan probably should too. 

   The drive to Eddie’s house was quiet, but not uncomfortable. Evan even found himself relaxing a bit in the silence, letting go of some of the control he’d been gripping tightly since waking up. He allowed himself to close his eyes and rest his slightly-throbbing head against the cool glass of the window. He was exhausted, not only from finding out that he was actually in the future, but also from what he remembered as the night before. 

    He was so stupid, but honestly? He wasn’t convinced that this wasn’t some elaborate dream. Maybe he was actually in hell for what he had done, and he would get everything he had ever wanted for a little while, before it was all cruelly ripped away from him. 

   Without him noticing, the truck rolled to a stop in a driveway. Evan was only brought back to the present by a light touch on his shoulder. He flinched and whirled around. Eddie held up his hands in surrender, his expression apologetic. 

   “Sorry,” he said soothingly. “I wasn’t sure if you were asleep or not.” 

   “I’m awake,” Evan said unnecessarily. He winced, feeling like an idiot, but Eddie only smiled at him. 

   “Ready to go inside?” 

   Evan swallowed, glancing at the front door. The outside of the house was innocuous enough; the warm browns and green shrubs had him softening minutely. He was surprised that he actually wanted to go inside. But…

   He faced Eddie hesitantly. “Your son…” 

   “Christopher,” Eddie reminded. Evan nodded. 

   “Christopher. Does he know what’s going on?” 

   “A little,” Eddie said, slumping in his seat as he watched the front door, like he could see through it to the child in question. “He knows that you woke up and don’t remember us, but I wasn’t quite sure how to explain the age thing.” 

   Right. Because Evan was a sixteen year old living in a thirty-one year old firefighter’s body. He carried a lot of extra weight now that he wasn’t quite sure what to do with. Leaving the hospital he’d been in a wheelchair, but even just hugging Maddie goodbye and climbing into Eddie’s car, he could feel the difference. He wasn’t a kid anymore. 

   “Should I… try to pretend?” Evan found himself asking. Eddie whipped up face him, eyes wide. 

   “No, god no! I would never ask you to do that,” he said emphatically. “I just… I was thinking I’d explain it with you and let him ask questions, if you’re alright with that.” 

   Evan hummed thoughtfully. “How old is he?” 

  “Twelve.”

   He hummed again, smiling a little to himself. It was bittersweet. “He’ll probably understand more than you think.” 

   Not wanting to get questioned for that, Evan hopped out of the truck. Eddie was quick to follow, moving just ahead of Evan so he could unlock the front door. Almost immediately, the sound of clinking metal against wood alerted him to another presence. He turned just in time for a young boy to come up to them, walking with crutches and beaming like the sun. 

    He somehow looked nothing like Eddie, and exactly like him. His blond-ish hair and blue eyes were the antithesis of Eddie’s dark brown, and yet the slope of his nose and the shape of his eyes were reminiscent of his father. He came to a stop right in front of Evan, and without thinking, he crouched down so the kid wouldn’t have to crane his neck to look up at him. An automatic smile came to his face, cautious and a little hopeful. 

   “Hi,” Evan said. “I heard your dad told you what happened.”

   Christopher nodded his head, narrowing his eyes at Evan. It wasn’t exactly critical- more like he could already tell what was different about him. Evan wasn’t sure he liked the feeling. 

   “You lost your memory,” Chris said. Evan inclined his head. 

   “Yeah, that’s true. Do you want to know something funny?” 

   “What?” 

   “I think it’s 2007 right now.” 

   Chris’s eyebrows shot up his forehead. “Like, the year?” 

    Evan laughed. “Yeah, I’m pretty shocked too.”

   “I wasn’t even born yet in 2007,” Chris said. Now it was his turn to raise his eyebrows, looking between Christopher and Eddie. This fully formed, almost independent human hadn’t even been born yet in 2007. It kind of hurt his brain to think about. 

   “So, Bucky might be acting a little different for a little while,” Eddie interjected, getting the conversation back on track. “Because, to him, it’s 2007. Do you know what that means?”

   Chris shook his head, and Evan took the lead again. “It means that my mind thinks I’m only four years older than you right now.” In physical age, at least. His soul wasn’t quite so young anymore. 

   “So…” Chris blinked, clearly thinking hard. “So it’s like you got mind-swapped to the future?” 

   “A little,” Evan said. Chris’s eyes seemed to clear, and he bobbed his head, looking determined. 

   “Okay. What’s it like in 2007?” 

   That made Evan smile. He allowed Christopher to lead him over to the living room to sit on the couch as he asked questions, mainly about his life as he remembered it so far. He glanced back at Eddie once, who was lurking in the doorway with his arms crossed. Apparently it was his thing. His face was mostly unreadable, but every once in a while, Evan caught a glimpse of a soft, peaceful look. It was another expression that made his heart skip. He should really be keeping track of these. 

    Christopher was great. He and Evan ended up hanging out in the living room for the rest of the day, either building legos, watching interesting documentaries, or playing video games (with graphics that had Evan practically salivating). Eddie was intermittently with them, drifting in and out of the living room to do other things around the house. Evan felt a bit bad- he was just sitting on his ass hanging out, while Eddie had to take care of both the house and him. 

   So, when dinner time came around and Chris was in the bathroom washing his hands, Evan carefully sat down at the table, eyeing the takeout that Eddie had ordered for them. The man was distracted making Chris’s plate. 

   “Um,” Evan began, fidgeting a little in his seat. “If there’s anything I can do to help around here…” 

   Eddie looked up, quirking a brow. “You’re fine, Evan. Just focus on resting- you technically just woke up from a traumatic brain injury.” 

   “I can still help!” 

   Eddie smirked. “I know you can, but you’re not really a guest in this house. This is how things go- one of us gets hurt, and the other takes care of them until they’re better.” 

   Evan couldn’t help but frown at the thought. “Do you get hurt often?” 

   He opened his mouth to answer, but the tell-tale sound of crutches coming back stopped him. He shot Evan a look that said they would finish this discussion later, so he slumped back in his seat. 

   They didn’t end up talking about it. By the time dinner was over Evan was exhausted, so while Eddie tucked Chris into bed, Evan ended up falling asleep on the couch. 

   (x) 

    Eddie woke up at five-thirty am, just like usual. It was a leftover habit from his army days that ended up serving him well as a firefighter, even though on his days off it was kind of a pain in the ass. Even so, it helped him get Chris to school on time on weekdays, so it helped more than it hindered. 

   He knew the rest of the 118 was working today, but Eddie had managed to get about a week of leave to care for Buck. When he checked his phone upon waking up, he was unsurprised to find it chock-full of texts from the team, asking after the wellbeing of his partner. 

Hen: Did you ask if we could see him? 

Chimney: maddie said she told him a little about me 

Bobby: Eddie, if he wants to see us, tell him you can come by the station around lunch time. Athena will be here too. 

   The invitation made him smile. On normal days off, being invited to a station lunch would have made Buck’s day, despite there being nothing special about it. With any luck, he would still be excited even without his memories. He would probably think seeing a fire station was cool, right? With this in mind, Eddie got up to get started with his day, heading first into his ensuite bathroom to take a shower. 

    By six-thirty Christopher was up too, so Eddie resigned himself to making scrambled eggs for breakfast. While he wasn’t nearly as hopeless at cooking as he had been when he and Buck first met, scrambled eggs continued to be the only thing he could consistently make that he didn’t fuck up somehow. It was better safe than sorry, today. 

   When the eggs were done Evan was finally awake, stumbling into the kitchen with mussed-up had and bleary eyes. It was as adorable as usual. 

   “Hey,” Eddie said, grabbing a plate for him. “Want some toast with your eggs?” 

   Buck collapsed into a char at the table and stretched his legs out, wincing a little. “Yes, please.” Eddie busied himself with making the plate, not expecting Evan to keep talking. He noticed that he wasn’t as verbose as Buck usually was- yet another strange difference between the two halves of the man. “Did- Did something happen to my leg?” 

   Eddie froze for a second before he turned to face his friend. “Why do you ask? Is it hurting you?” 

   Nodding shyly, Evan reached down to try to massage the limb. “I noticed in the hospital yesterday too; it really hurt right after I woke up.” 

   “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

   The look that Evan shot him was so much like the usual Buck that Eddie had to hold back a surprised bark of laughter. “I woke up as a sixteen year old in my thirty-one year old body. I had some bigger things to worry about.” 

   “Touché,” Eddie chuckled, passing him his plate. Evan looked pleased that he’d made him laugh, and something about that broke Eddie’s heart a little. His friend’s words from the day before floated to the forefront of his mind- ‘I’ve never had a best friend before.’ 

    Buck had never told him that. Not for the first time, Eddie wondered exactly how much about his friend he really knew. A big part of him wanted to use this opportunity to figure some of it out, but another, bigger part of him felt like that was an invasion of privacy. Obviously, if Buck had never talked about it before, then he didn’t really want Eddie to know. Already, the mental connections that Eddie had made about this Evan felt like knowing too much. He knew that Buck would understand if- when he got his memories back, but still. 

    At least Christopher was having just as much fun with him as he always did. The two of them were now comparing plates, teasingly arguing about how Buck’s portion was so much larger. The sight made him smile, like it always did. Even without his memories to back him up, Evan still loved Chris. 

    His son had managed to distract them from the conversation about Buck’s leg, but Eddie knew he couldn’t avoid it forever. Right now, Evan had no memories of the plethora of traumatic experiences he’d survived in recent years. The medic found himself somewhat afraid that talking about it would bring them all crashing back down, maybe without the good parts in between. It was completely irrational, he knew that, but then again, this was Buck. He had some of the worst- and best- luck that Eddie had ever seen. 

    Evan stayed home while Eddie drove Chris to school. On the way, he decided it would be a good idea to check in with the boy. 

   “So,” he started, glancing at Chris in the rearview mirror. “How are you doing, bud? I know it must be weird seeing Buck right now.” 

    Chris shrugged, fiddling with his crutches across the seats next to him. “It’s not so different. Hanging out feels the same. He just…” 

    Eddie looked through the mirror again, raising an eyebrow. “Just what?” 

   “He seems sad. Really sad.” 

   It was both a blessing and a curse to have such an insightful, intelligent kid. Eddie sighed, adjusting his grip on the steering wheel. “Yeah,” he finally said. “I think he is, kiddo.” 

   “D’you know why?” 

   “I don’t. Buck… He’s never talked about his childhood. I don’t know anything about him at this age.” 

   “Never?” Chris sounded shocked. 

   “No, never. Anything I do know came from Aunt Maddie.” 

   “Maybe I can ask him,” Chris offered. 

   “No, buddy. I don’t think that’s a good idea.” 

   “Why not?” 

   “Because…” Eddie thought about how to explain, before remembering Evan’s words just before getting out of the truck the day before. ‘He’ll probably understand more than you think.’ “Because, when Buck gets his memories back, I think his feelings would be hurt if we used his amnesia to learn things about him that he didn’t want us to know.” 

   Chris nodded, looking thoughtful. “It would be like reading his diary.” 

   Eddie snickered. “Yes, exactly like that.” When they pulled up to Chris’s school, he turned around in his seat to face his son. “Try to be there for him until he gets his memories back, okay? Amnesia or no amnesia, Buck still loves you.” 

   “I know,” Chris beamed. “I gotta go or I’ll be late.” He undid his seatbelt and grabbed his crutches, scooting until he could slide safely out of the car. “Love you, dad!” 

   “Love you too, Chris. Have a good day.” 

   Eddie spent the whole drive home thinking about what he and Buck could do to fill the day, especially if he didn’t want to go to the station for lunch. When he walked back into the house, Evan wasn’t immediately in sight. 

   Checking the kitchen, he found all of the breakfast dishes already washed and left to dry on the rack next to the sink. He rolled his eyes. He should have known that Buck wouldn’t listen about resting and not helping out. 

   “Evan?” Eddie called, moving further into the house. “Where’d you go?” 

   The bathroom door was open a crack, allowing a sliver of light to spill into the hallway. He paused in front of it, reaching to gently knock on the doorframe. “Evan? Everything okay?” 

   “You can come in,” Buck said, his voice quiet with some emotion Eddie couldn’t decipher. He pushed open the bathroom door, noticing instantly why he had sounded so weird. Buck was sitting on the edge of the bathtub wearing nothing but his boxers, every inch of his impressive musculature exposed. He had his bad leg stretched out in front of him, every scar from the bombing and subsequent surgeries on full display. 

   Evan didn’t meet his eyes, keeping his gaze fixed on his leg. “Do I want to know what happened?” 

   It would be so easy to avoid this. To say ‘No, you don’t,’ and not have to talk about the horror of that night. Unfortunately, Eddie wasn’t a shitty person. “I can’t answer that for you.”

   Buck finally looked up, seeming a tad scared. “It… It was something bad, right?”

   “Yeah. Yeah, it was something bad.” Eddie cocked his head. “How did you know?”

   “When I asked this morning, you… You got this look on your face.” They stayed silent for a few moments, processing. Eventually, Evan nodded. “Tell me. Please.” 

    Sighing, Eddie come over to sit on the closed lid of the toilet at Buck’s right. He made sure not to touch Evan, no matter how much he wanted to at least knock their knees together. Unlike the usual Buck, Evan seemed to dread physical contact rather than crave it. Another mystery. 

   “It was a few months after I joined the 118,” Eddie began, fixing his eyes on the wall across from him. “Cap- that is, Captain Bobby Nash- had just been temporarily suspended for something, and Chimney- your niece’s father- was our interim captain. All around L.A., someone had begun leaving mail bombs.” Eddie remembered the panic at Athena’s house when she had gotten one. Harry had almost picked it up. 

   “It turned out that a kid named Freddie had a grudge against everybody who helped put his father, an arsonist, in prison. That included our station.” 

   “Okay…” Evan said, not getting it yet. Eddie looked at him long enough to try and give a reassuring smile. He was pretty sure he failed. 

   “It actually happened before you got there, too. Anyway, Freddie… He held a particular grudge against Bobby, because he was the one who figured out that his father was an arsonist. So, he put a bomb on a fire truck.” 

   Eddie could still remember that night like it was yesterday. He had been riding in the ambulance with Hen, as Chimney was acting captain and couldn’t be a paramedic as well. He remembered Athena’s frantic voice on the radio, yelling something about a bomb on the ladder truck, and then- BOOM! 

   “You were on the truck,” Eddie admitted, leaning forwards with his elbows on his knees. He hung his head to stare blankly down at his clasped hands. “I’m not quite sure how it happened, but somehow you flew out of the truck and it landed on top of your leg.” 

   When Evan didn’t say anything, Eddie peeked up at him. He was staring down at his leg with a furrowed brow, like he was trying to make himself remember. He seemed to sense Eddie’s eyes on him, because he glanced up after a few seconds. 

   “A whole fire truck landed on my leg,” he repeated. “And I still have it?” 

   “It was a miracle,” Eddie shrugged. “You even managed to keep firefighting- but it was a long healing process with some… ups and downs.” 

   “Like what?” 

   Scrubbing a hand through his hair, Eddie wondered if he should even be telling Evan any of this. “You pushed yourself too hard trying to heal quicker. After five months you had broken all of your old records at the academy. We had a welcome back party at Bobby and Athena’s…” Eddie trailed off, clearing his throat. “You, uh. Had a pulmonary embolism. A blood clot formed around a screw in your leg and travelled to your lungs. You almost died, again.” 

   “Wow,” Buck said. “Sounds scary.” He said it like he was commenting about the weather, and not his own traumatic life. 

   “It was,” Eddie agreed. “You had to go on blood thinners for a while. It was a really dangerous time.” 

   Evan nodded like he understood. “I was going to take a shower, but I realized I don’t have any clothes.” 

   Grateful for the change in subject, Eddie got to his feet. “Yeah. I was going to suggest we swing by your apartment and pack you some things. What do you say?” 

   Standing as well, Evan inclined his head in agreement. “Sounds good to me.”

   The whole trip took a little over an hour, so by nine am, Evan had everything he would need for a prolonged stay in the Diaz household. He went to take his shower after they got home, so Eddie busied himself with putting the now-dry breakfast dishes back in the cupboards. Once that was done, he sank down onto the couch and closed his eyes. He didn’t get more than a few minutes of peace before his phone beeped. 

Bobby: Any word on if you two are joining us for lunch today?

Eddie: I haven’t asked him yet. He’s in the shower, so I’ll ask when he gets out. 

Bobby: *thumbs up emoji* 

    Luckily, he didn’t have to wait long. Soon enough Evan was coming back into the living room, dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants. His blond curls were damp and a little messy, something Eddie usually only got to see right after showering at work. Apparently, sixteen year old Evan felt no need to gel down the curls as much. 

   “I wanted to ask you something,” Eddie said, gesturing for Buck to take the seat next to him. He did so, perhaps a tad cautiously. His face was guarded, like he was expecting something bad. 

   “What is it?” 

   “The rest of the station really want to see you,” Eddie said. “They’ve been texting me nonstop for updates about how you’re doing. Cap invited us to go over for lunch, if you’re up for it?”

   “Like… At the station?” 

   “Yeah, at the station. Maddie’s boyfriend Chimney will be there- he’s sort of like your annoying older brother- and so will Hen, who’s kind of like your big sister.”

   Evan looked genuinely surprised by this information. “…More family?” 

   Eddie smiled at him. “More family. We each have our own families, but everyone together… Think of it like one big extended family.” 

   That made Evan smile too. “Okay, that doesn’t sound too bad.” 

   “We don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Eddie clarified. Buck shook his head. 

   “No, I- I want to. Especially if they’re worried about me.” 

   “Okay, then. You can change your mind at any time, nobody will hold it against you.” Eddie pulled out his phone and texted the group chat. 

Eddie: Evan says he’s in. We’ll see you all at noon. 

Hen: :) !!! 

Chimney: thank GOD

Athena: Can’t wait to see you both! <3 

Chapter Text

   Walking into the fire station was… weird. Evan couldn’t stop staring at everything, getting a strong sense of déjà vu. He supposed it made sense, considering how much time Buck spent here, but it was still weird. 

    As he and Eddie approached the staircase, the older man turned to check on him one last time. “Last chance to bow out.” 

   Evan shook his head, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “I’m good. Thank you, though.” 

   Laughter rang from the loft above, putting him strangely at ease. Despite his anxiety about it, Evan really did want to meet the people in his future life. 

   “Okay then,” Eddie said, heading back for the stairs. Evan followed a few paces behind, unable to completely quell his nerves. When they reached the loft at the top of the stairs, all eyes fell on them. The knot in Evan’s stomach twisted harder being under so many watchful eyes. 

   “Hey, you’re here!” A woman smiled, getting out of her chair. She was tall, with glasses, warm eyes and dark skin. Her head was shaved and the patch on her uniform proclaimed her to be a paramedic/firefighter. From what little Evan knew, he figured this had to be Hen. 

   The others were quick to stand up as well, grinning happily at the two newcomers. Eddie moved to give hugs to everyone, murmuring a few things Evan couldn’t make out as he went. Evan awkwardly stayed where he was, hoping they weren’t expecting hugs from him, too. 

   “Well come on baby, we don’t bite,” another woman wearing a police uniform said, gesturing at the table of food. She seemed motherly, with the way she was looking at him like she was subtly checking him over for injuries. This must be Bobby’s wife, Athena. 

   Moving closer, Evan was unsure where he was supposed to sit. Everybody sat back in their seats, and Eddie waved for him to take the vacant seat next to him. Evan did so gratefully, glancing around the table. The last two men could only be Chimney and Bobby. Chimney was also wearing a paramedic/firefighter patch, while Bobby sat at the head of the table, holding hands with his wife at his right side. Evan had been seated at Bobby’s left, across from Chimney and diagonal from Hen. 

   “So, how are you feeling?” Bobby asked, running his thumb over Athena’s knuckles tenderly. “I know this must all be pretty strange for you.” 

   Now everyone was looking at him. Evan’s heart began to pound wildly in his chest, and he glanced down at his empty plate. It was easier to speak when he couldn’t see everyone’s eyes on him. That way, he wouldn’t be able to see it if their eyes faded from warmth into judgement. 

   “I’m fine,” he said, folding his hands in his lap. “This… is a cool station.” 

   “It is,” Hen said proudly. “We’re lucky to have such a nice place to work in.” 

   “We should probably introduce ourselves,” Athena cut in. “My name is Athena Grant-Nash. I’m Bobby’s wife, but I was everyone’s friend before that. You and I met a few months into your probationary year at the 118.” 

   “I’m Bobby Nash, Captain of the 118,” Bobby continued. “We met on your first day here.” 

   “I’m Henrietta Wilson, but call me Hen,” Hen said, grinning at him. “We met on you first day here, too.” 

   “And I’m Howard Han, but everyone calls me Chimney,” Chim finished. “I’m Maddie’s boyfriend and your niece, Jee-Yun’s father. We met on your first day, too.” 

   “Nice to meet you all,” Evan said, reaching for the glass of water that had been set by his plate. He was thankful for something to occupy his mouth so he didn’t have to think of anything else to say. 

   “Should we dig in, then?” Bobby said after a moment, clapping his hands. “B-Evan, I made my famous baked mac and cheese. I hope you like it.” 

   Everyone began reaching for various food on the table, starting up small conversations with each other. Evan stayed where he was. His parents’ lessons about manners ran through his mind; ‘You had such a big appetite, Evan. Make sure everybody gets some food first before you get some for yourself.’ 

   Unfortunately for him, not all of the attention was off of him. Bobby gently nudged his knee under the table, causing him to jump hard enough that he nearly spilled his water everywhere. Everybody looked at him and he cringed, replacing his glass and sitting on his hands. 

   “Not hungry?” Bobby asked, kindly not mentioning his blunder. 

   Blushing at his overreaction, Evan was thrown off enough that he said the first thing that came to mind. “I’m not supposed to get food until everyone else has served themselves.” 

   They all stared at him silently, which only increased the humiliation he felt. Athena cleared her throat after an awkward moment, grabbing the macaroni dish to portion out a big serving. 

   “That’s just nonsense. Here you go, sweetheart.” She leaned across the table to plop the food on his plate. “There are some rolls over there, too. Make sure you get some salad.” 

   Chimney obediently passed the rolls to Eddie, who plucked one out and placed it on Evan’s plate before getting one for himself. Hen passed him the salad bowl and Evan took it, not wanting to be rude. He muttered his thanks and gave himself plenty of it, looking at Athena to make sure she was happy. When she nodded once and began to eat, he relaxed a bit. At least he had managed to please her. 

   After that everybody began talking again, mostly about their own lives outside of work. They all were kind enough to pause and explain certain names and details in their stories so that Evan could follow along and feel included. Besides that however, none of them tried to engage him much. He couldn’t have been more grateful as he wolfed down his food, a little surprised at how hungry he was. He supposed all of his muscles required fuel. 

   All in all, it was nice. By the time he and Eddie were saying their goodbyes and heading home, he was glad that he’d decided to go. 

  (x) 

    Hen: You’re right Eddie, he’s so different. It's kind of weird. 

Chimney: yeah, he definitely seemed sad. never thought i’d describe buck as shy either. 

Bobby: I hope we didn’t stress him out too badly. He was really quiet. 

Eddie: He’s just like that now. I basically have to force him to talk most of the time. 

Chimney: that’s so weird. i don’t like it 

Athena: You keep an eye on that boy- make sure he’s doing okay. 

Eddie: I am. 

   (x) 

  On Evan’s fourth night since being home from the hospital, Eddie was woken up to the sound of his screaming. He glanced at his alarm clock as he scrambled out of bed, seeing it was just past two in the morning. 

   In the living room, Buck was still asleep, thrashing on the couch in the throes of a nightmare. Eddie fell to his knees at his friend’s side, extending a hand to shake the blond awake. “Evan. Evan, wake up. It’s just a nightmare.” 

   The man awoke with a gasp, shooting into a sitting position so quickly their heads nearly knocked together. His blue eyes were wild and a little dazed as he made eye contact with Eddie, shining with unshed tears. Eddie had to say his name three more times before he finally seemed to register it, focusing on him completely. 

   “Eddie?” He croaked hoarsely, his voice ruined from all of the screaming. Eddie nodded, reaching out to grab Evan’s shoulder before he thought better of it, remembering every time he had flinched so far. 

   “Hey,” he said quietly instead. “You’re okay, it was just a nightmare.” 

   Buck nodded mechanically, although he still looked a little out of it. Eddie frowned, glancing over his body. His shirt was ringed with sweat, and his legs were tangled in the comforter he always used when sleeping on the couch. 

   “What happened?” he asked. 

   Evan blinked, his shoulders slumping as he finally seemed to realize that he was safe. “I… I was trapped in the ocean,” he confessed. Eddie couldn’t help but stiffen up, listening intently. “Except we were in the city. The ocean- The ocean was in the city.” 

   A bad feeling crept up Eddie’s spine, but he asked the next question anyway. He was pretty sure he already knew the answer. “We?” 

   “Christopher was there,” Evan whispered. “I… I couldn’t hold onto him. The water was too strong.” He turned to look at Eddie. Whatever expression was on his face must not have been good, because Buck suddenly seemed wary. “What’s wrong?” 

   Eddie sighed and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, enjoying the ache it caused. “There’s something I haven’t told you, and I probably should have.” 

   “Okay.” 

   Eddie adjusted so he was no longer on his knees, instead sitting on the ground. He loosely held his bent knees, clamping his right hand around his left wrist. “In 2019, while you were still on blood thinners after your embolism… I made you hang out with Christopher for a day.” 

   “Made me?” Evan asked, sounding surprised. Eddie smiled, already knowing what he was thinking. 

   “It’s not like you didn’t want to- You were just depressed. You really missed coming into work and being with everyone… helping people.” Evan nodded, so Eddie continued. “You ended up taking him to the pier. I thought you were going to the movies, but… Anyway. There- There was a tsunami.” 

   Evan’s jaw dropped, opening and closing as he tried to find the words. “A tsunami? And- And we were on the pier?” When Eddie confirmed, Buck simply stared blankly for a moment. “So… My nightmare is actually a memory?” 

    His voice sounded so small, so broken. Eddie didn’t want to lie to him. “It sounds like it. I’m sorry, Evan.” 

   Evan wrapped his arms around himself, staring down at his lap. They spent the next few minutes in silence as they processed what he had just found out. 

   “I’m getting my memories back,” he said eventually, looking back up at Eddie. “That’s good at least.” 

   “Yes, it is,” Eddie agreed. 

   “Is there anything else I should know?” Buck asked. “Anything else that might scare me if I start to remember?” 

   Eddie swallowed hard, but he still forced himself to be honest. “Yes. Yes, there is.” 

   “Will you tell me?” 

   As much as he really didn’t want to talk or even think about it, Eddie knew he didn’t have a choice. “Last year… You and I were off duty. There was a boy named Charlie whose mother had Munchausen by proxy. Basically-“  

   “She was making him sick on purpose,” Evan finished. 

   “That’s right.” Really, why was Eddie surprised? “You and I went to check on him while he was being checked out by another station. Everything seemed fine- great, even. We’d cracked the case, Charlie was going to be fine and get away from his mother. Then…” 

   (a crack in the air, the blinding pain that burst through Eddie’s body like white-hot lava)

   “I was shot,” he said simply, pushing through the memory. “A sniper was going after firefighters after he got fired for misconduct. I almost died, but you saved my life. You dragged me underneath a firetruck while taking fire, and you managed to get me to the hospital in time.” 

   Eddie could still plainly picture Buck’s face from that day; a smatter of blood across his skin and shirt, highlighting his tan skin and crystal blue eyes. He vaguely remembered the shock at not being able to see his birthmark anymore right before he collapsed. 

   “Oh,” Evan said. “Um, wow. Okay. I’m sorry that happened to you.” 

   “It’s okay,” Eddie said. “You saved me, and you took care of Christopher and I until I was on my feet again.” 

   Evan’s small smile appeared genuine. “Good.” 

   Briefly, Eddie contemplated telling him about the well, but he figured those memories wouldn’t be too traumatizing for Evan. After all, why should he care if a veritable stranger almost got buried alive? Eddie thought for a few seconds, trying to remember if there was anything else terribly traumatic that Evan needed to know about. There was that time they’d been taken hostage by prisoners, but that wasn’t too bad. 

   In the end, he couldn’t think of anything else. “I think that’s it.” 

    Or at least, everything that Eddie knew about. It had become abundantly clear in the past four days that Buck really didn’t tell him everything. There were entire months of time after he’d quit the 118 where anything could’ve happened to Buck, and Eddie would have been none the wiser. The thought made his skin crawl. 

    Evan seemed to accept this, settling back down on the couch like he was going to go back to sleep. Eddie knew that was his cue to leave, and yet he couldn’t quite make himself get up. Not when the echo of Evan’s panicked, desperate cries still rang in his ears. It was a miracle that Chris hadn’t woken up to investigate, but, well. Chris was all too used to their nightmares by this point. 

   In the dark of the living room, Eddie couldn’t see Buck very well- he certainly couldn’t see any expression he might have- but he could see well enough to notice Evan turning on his side to face him, tucking an arm underneath his pillow. 

   “Not tired?” He asked carefully, but Eddie could hear the guilt in his voice. He most likely felt bad for waking him up with his nightmare. 

   Eddie wanted to squash the guilt, but memories or not, Buck was just like that. Always guilty for things that weren’t his fault. Nothing Eddie could say would ease it now, so he decided to just be honest. “Not ready to leave yet,” he said. “Is that okay?” 

   “Yeah,” Evan said softly, tucking his face into his pillow. “That’s fine.”

   They didn’t say anything else until Evan fell asleep maybe a half hour later. Oddly enough, he didn’t snore like Buck usually did. Eddie isn’t sure what that implied along with all of Evan’s other strange behavior, but he was certain it was nothing good. He stayed with Evan for another hour before he got tired enough to go back to his room. It was almost four in the morning at that point, but Eddie hoped that his body would be tired enough that he wouldn’t wake up at five-thirty like usual. 

  (x)

    Miracle of all miracles, Eddie found himself blinking awake the next morning at six forty-five, having gotten then extra sleep he’d wished for the night before. Another surprise- he could smell pancakes coming from the kitchen. Buck must have woken up and decided to make Chris breakfast. 

   Rolling out of bed with a yawn, Eddie shuffled to the bathroom to do his business, paying no mind to his messy bed head and sleepy eyes before he went out to the kitchen. Evan and Christopher were already seated at the table, halfway through their stacks of pancakes, heaps of bacon and portions of eggs. Eddie drew closer and saw his own plate sat at his empty seat, filled with the same foods. 

   The pancakes were perfectly round and golden brown, the bacon crispy just the way he liked it. Even the scrambled eggs looked exactly the same as Buck always made them- with sliced mild peppers, garlic and onion. It astonished Eddie that Evan had already been such a great cook at only sixteen. 

   “This is impressive,” he complimented, taking the butter dish from the middle of the table to slather his pancakes. He forked himself a bite and glanced at Evan as he chewed, recognizing the taste of his homemade pancakes. Not a mix, then. “Where did you learn to cook like this? I always figured it was college.” 

    Evan scratched the back of his neck, laughing a little. “My parents don’t really like me, so since Maddie moved out I’ve had to fend for myself. I learned to cook when I started middle school and got sick of frozen meals.” 

    Whether he wanted it or not, Eddie was aware that some part of himself was making a list of everything he was unintentionally figuring out about Evan. His shyness and near inability to make eye contact when he spoke, the way he flinched with even the lightest of touches, expected or unexpected. The constant undercurrent of sadness in his eyes and the way he sometimes watched Chris and Eddie, as if he expected them to be taken away from him any minute. How absolutely floored he always seemed when Eddie mentioned their family caring about him, or when Maddie called every night to check up on him personally. 

   And now, cooking entire full meals for himself since middle school? Eddie couldn’t help wondering what else fell under “fending for himself.” Not to mention Evan saying that his parents didn’t like him, with about as much emotion as if he was talking about strangers. The picture it painted of Buck’s childhood home life was worse than he had ever imagined, which was saying something considering his parents had hidden an entire dead brother from him for thirty years. 

   Feeling guilty for learning these things, even if it wasn’t on purpose, Eddie cleared his throat and changed the subject. “I was wondering, how would you feel if we had the Grant-Nash’s over for lunch today? Our team has the day off and it’s the weekend. I know May and Harry want to see you.” 

   May and Harry Grant were practically Buck’s step-siblings, what with the man’s familial bond with Bobby. Eddie knew for a fact that Buck spent one-on-one time with each of the kids every week in an effort to cultivate further closeness. It worked, as now the Grant kids went to Buck for everything they couldn’t tell their parents. They had a true sibling bond, and it warmed Eddie’s heart to witness. He figured seeing them might help Evan relax a bit, especially now that they were (mentally at least), closer in age. 

    “That sounds okay,” Evan replied hesitantly, glancing between Chris and Eddie. 

    “Good. I’ll make the call after breakfast.” 

Chapter Text

   Bobby and Athena were all too happy to take Eddie up on his offer when he called them, with Bobby even offering to bring some lasagna so they wouldn’t have to suffer through Eddie’s cooking or get takeout. Eddie took him up on his offer with the promise to make a few side dishes, and they set the time of arrival for noon. 

   When the time came, Evan insisted on helping Eddie make the salad and breadsticks, which he allowed since he was beginning to realize that the man was uncomfortable with taking it easy. Thankfully, being in the kitchen seemed to put Evan more at ease than Eddie had seen him since waking up without his memories. Chris, not wanting to be left out, was washing the lettuce while Buck chopped up some veggies and Eddie laid breadsticks across a baking tray. 

   “Do you think you could teach me how to cook?” Chris asked Evan. “I mean, I’m in middle school too! I could start learning!” 

    “Sure, that sounds fun,” Evan smiled back, although his eyes still held that undercurrent of sorrow. Eddie had to look away before he did something stupid, like demand to know what was wrong. 

    The doorbell rang at exactly noon, just in time for the breadsticks to come out of the oven. Eddie tasked Evan with those while he went to answer the door. Bobby, Athena, May and Harry greeted him as he let them inside, Bobby heading directly to the dining table to place down the still-hot lasagna dish. 

   “How is he doing?” May asked in a low voice, Harry listening intently at her side. Eddie sighed and shook his head once, unsure exactly how to explain it to the kids. 

    “He’s… different. Please, just try not to stress him out. Also, he doesn’t like to be touched, so try to remember that.” 

   “Seriously? Buck?” Harry said incredulously. Eddie didn’t blame him, considering usually Buck could be lovingly described as a leech. He was quite possibly the most tactile person Eddie knew, always patting one’s back, bumping their arm, pressing his entire side against his seatmate in the fire truck. Eddie himself still wasn’t quite used to the sudden loss of touches, or holding back from initiating. 

   “He likes to be called Evan right now,” Eddie reminded them. Both of the kids cringed a little and looked at each other, likely remembering one of Buck’s many tirades over how he hated to be called Evan. Usually Maddie (and occasionally Eddie) were the only ones who could get away with it, although in true sibling fashion, May and Harry tried to tease him with it time and again. 

    Evan came out of the kitchen, so everyone drifted to the dining table to begin serving themselves food. Unfortunately, Eddie had forgotten to warn their guests about prying into Buck’s past. 

   “So Evan, what’s life like in 2007?” Harry asked, stabbing some salad and chomping down on it heartily. Eddie looked up, knowing from the way Evan’s expression fell into quiet gloom that the answer wasn’t going to be simple. 

   “It’s alright,” Evan said slowly, making eye contact with each of them before quickly looking down at his plate. He had at least served himself with everyone else this time, although Eddie didn’t miss the fact that his portions were far smaller than usual. Whether that was Evan still not being used to his new appetite, or forced politeness was anybody’s guess. 

   “Actually, it’s pretty strange, to be honest,” Evan confessed. “The new fashion, the slang I can’t understand, the fact that everybody has a little supercomputer in their pocket and is on it all the time?” He looked up and gave Harry a small, warm smile. “It kind of feels like I was jumped into the future.” 

   "Cool,” Harry said, eyes sparkling. 

   “So, what’s your everyday life like?” May asked. Eddie opened his mouth to change the subject to something else, except his mind drew a blank. Then it was too late- Evan was already answering. 

   “It’s pretty boring. I mostly just go to school, do homework, and ride my bike around town… When my friends aren’t busy with clubs and other things, I’ll get to see them.” 

    “What do your parents do for work?” Athena asked conversationally, but Eddie could hear the undercurrent of the sergeant in her words. She was fishing for something, and Eddie couldn’t stop her without possibly making Evan completely shut down, thinking he was doing something wrong. He fixed a pointed glare on the woman, but she was entirely focused on Buck as she awaited her answer. 

   “My father is a lawyer, so he’s not around much,” Evan said, once more staring down at his plate. He pushed his salad around without attempting to eat it. “My mother doesn’t work.” 

   “That must be nice,” May said kindly, recognizing his shyness talking about himself. “Having your mom home when you need her?” 

   Evan laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. When he met May’s eyes, the sardonic derision in his eyes shocked them. “I wouldn’t know. She’s never home.” 

   “Where does she go?” Athena pushed. Eddie cleared his throat to make sure she saw his pointed look this time, but she still turned back to Evan for the answer. Eddie was going to need to have a serious talk with her. 

   “I- I’m not sure,” Evan replied, cheeks turning pink. “We don’t talk that often… I don’t really know much about her.” 

   May and Athena exchanged a knowing look. Eddie took the opportunity to finally change the subject, turning to Chris a little desperately. “Chris, why don’t you tell everyone about your science project?” 

   Chris nodded and launched into an explanation about his project for this year’s science fair, thankfully relieving the tension that had built during Evan’s confession. 

   (x)

    May Grant liked to think she was rather observant. Whether it be natural curiosity or something she learned from watching her mother, May was rather good at reading people and figuring out what made them tick. Even with complete strangers, she could often recognize certain signs. A look in a man’s eyes that spoke of unrequited love, or a hollowness to a woman’s gaze that spoke of domestic troubles. 

   While Buck was far from a stranger, this new version of him wasn’t quite the Buck that May knew and loved. She could still see hints of him of course- in the way he attentively listened to Christopher, or the slightly-awed expression on his face whenever her parents acted parental toward him, too. While she may not know Evan as well as she knew Buck, it didn’t take a genius to see pieces of herself reflected in him. 

    Once dinner was over and Chris and Harry went off to Chris’s room to play, May pulled Evan aside. “Hey. Go outside with me?” 

   Evan raised his eyebrows, but still nodded and followed May into the backyard. The adults smiled and waved them off, likely wanting to talk without the kids around to eavesdrop. 

   Once they had settled on the patio chairs, May dove right in. “I need to ask you something, and I want you to remember that you normally think of me as a sister before you answer.” 

   “Okay…” Evan appeared to brace himself, making her smile. “Hit me.” 

   “Are you depressed, Evan?” 

   His entire body seemed to tense at the unexpected question. As May watched, the colour seemed to drain out of his face, leaving his birthmark as a stark stain against his skin. May made sure to keep her expression as soft and open as possible, wanting to encourage Evan into telling the truth. Smartly, he answered her question with one of his own. 

   “What… Makes you think that?” 

   May hummed. The thing about Buck, even with his memories, was that he never felt that he could take without first giving. He wouldn’t open up unless she did it first, but that was fine. May would talk about any and all of her hardest moments if it would help the man she thought of as an older brother. It was what Buck would do for her. 

   “I recognize the signs. Four years ago, I attempted suicide, and my mom found me. Had she checked on me any later, I wouldn’t be alive right now.” 

   “I’m sorry,” Evan said quietly, genuine sorrow in his eyes. May reached over to squeeze his arm with a warm smile. 

   “Thank you. I was being bullied pretty severely by some girls at school- even girls that I’d once considered my best friends. I… I thought that the pain would never end. I thought that I had no future, and nobody would ever care about me the way I cared about them. I’m asking you this because I feel like I can see some of those feelings in you.” 

   He was quiet for a long time as he processed her words, looking out over Eddie’s backyard with that same sadness she had been watching since arriving earlier that day. Evan was probably internally debating whether or not he should be honest with her. 

   When he finally spoke, he didn’t look at her. “The last thing I remember from my life in 2007 is attempting suicide. When I first woke up in the hospital, I thought Eddie was one of those volunteers who watches people so they don’t try again.” He risked a glance at her, but May made sure to keep her face as soft and open as possible with such a revelation. Seeing that, Evan completely turned to face her and continued. 

   “Honestly, I’m still not entirely convinced this isn’t some elaborate coma dream, or hell or something.” 

   “Hell?” 

   “Not because anything here is bad!” He hurried to clarify. “But because… It’s all too perfect. I have a dream job, my sister is in my life again, and there are so many people who call themselves my family and tell me they love me.” ‘Including you,’ went unsaid. 

   “I just… I can’t stop being terrified that I’m going to wake up and none of it will be real. Like I might wake up back on my bathroom floor tomorrow and have to go back to a life where nobody cares about me.” 

   May wiped at the few stray tears that had escaped during his speech, scooting her chair closer until she could securely wrap him into a tight hug. He hugged her back, tucking his face into the crook of her shoulder as she spoke. 

   “This is real, Evan. I promise you. We are the family that you made for yourself. You chose us, yes, but we also chose you. We chose you for your kindness, your loyalty, and the way you would do anything for the people you love.” 

   She felt dampness on her shoulder as Evan’s tears connected, reigniting her own. Because Evan Buckley was still her brother, and seeing him in so much mental anguish was like a knife to the chest. If anyone deserved all of the love and happiness in the world, it was him. Unable to help herself, she squeezed him a little harder and poured all of her love and reassurance into her next words. 

   “We chose you, Evan. You’re never getting rid of us.” 

   They stayed there in their embrace until their tears ran dry, but May didn’t mind. Something told her that this version of Buck could have used a hug like this for a long, long time. 

   When he pulled away, Evan’s eyes were rimmed with pink, making the blue of his irises stand out more. He sniffled and wiped at the dry tear tracks on his cheeks fruitlessly. “Do you think I should tell Eddie and Maddie?” 

   May considered this. “Do you think you’re going to try and hurt yourself again before you get your memories back?” 

   “No!” Evan said emphatically, eyes practically bugging out of his head. 

   “Then, I think it’s okay if you wait until you’re yourself again. If your usual self didn’t tell them, then he might have a good reason we don’t know about.” Even saying this, May didn’t feel bad for her prying. She believed him when he said he wouldn’t try again, but that wasn’t going to stop her from keeping an eye out for any signs of him breaking his promise. Just in case.    

   “Okay, I’ll wait,” he said, huffing out a breath. “Thank you for talking with me. I feel a lot better.” 

   “I love you, Evan. I hope more than anything that when you get your memories back, you never feel like that again.” 

   In return, he gifted her with the most Buck-like smile she’d seen since his memory loss. “Me, too. You’re a really good sister, May.” 

    “You wanna go inside and repeat that in front of Harry?” 

   (x)

    Indoors, Athena took the opportunity of Evan’s absence to bring up her concerns.

    “I don’t like what I’m seeing,” the cop said from her place next to her husband on Eddie’s couch. Eddie had taken the diagonal arm chair, leaning his elbows on his knees with his hands laced together. 

   “And what are you seeing?” He asked, although he was pretty sure he already knew the answer. 

   Athena began counting off bullet points on her fingers. “He’s incredibly over-compliant, like he’s afraid he’ll get in trouble for no reason. He’s the shyest ‘sixteen year old’ I’ve ever met. He always seems so surprised when somebody talks to him or asks him about himself. And for our Buck, the constant putting himself in danger with seemingly no regard for his own safety. That’s not even mentioning the countless stories Maddie has told me about childhood injuries!” 

   Hearing all of it laid out like that, and by a cop no less, Eddie knew he hadn’t been imagining things. He took a deep, steadying breath against the pain in his heart, pushing down the hurt feelings and rage. Because Evan was the sweetest kid Eddie had ever met (barring Christopher), and the thought of him not receiving the love and affection he so richly deserved was agonizing. 

   “I understand. I really do,” Eddie began, choosing his words carefully. “But there had to be a reason that Buck had never told us any of this before.” 

   “So, what are you saying?” Bobby asked. “We just pretend we don’t know anything? We don’t even try to talk to him?” 

   “How would you feel if you lost your memories, and we all used it as an opportunity to learn all of your secrets?” 

   “What do you suggest?” Athena demanded. 

   “I think we should use our actions to show him that he’s safe and loved. Then when he gets his memories back, we can talk to him and let him decide if he wants to tell us or not.” 

   The couple exchanged a look, silently communicating with their eyes. It reminded Eddie of himself and Buck, and not for the first time since waking up without his memories, Eddie found himself desperately missing his best friend. 

   “Okay,” Athena said eventually, meeting Eddie’s eyes again. “I suppose we can live with that.” 

   Eddie sighed in relief, dropping his head. “Thank you. I know it’s hard, but please don’t ask him any personal questions that you don’t already know the answers to.” 

   “That might be kind of hard, considering the kid never talks about his childhood,” Bobby said dryly. 

   “I know… Innocent questions about his school and friends would probably be fine. Hopefully, it won’t be too much longer until Buck is back.” 

   Ten minutes later, the back door slid open to admit May and Evan inside. Both of their eyes were rimmed with red as if they’d been crying, but the matching content smiles on their faces let Eddie know that whatever it was had been solved. 

   As it was getting later in the afternoon, the Grant-Nash’s began cleaning up and saying their goodbyes. Athena and Bobby even asked Evan if they could give him a hug, and Eddie was floored by the shy smile on his face when he agreed. 

   Once their guests were gone, and they headed to the kitchen to begin on the dishes, Eddie couldn’t resist checking up on him. “Are you alright?” 

   Evan glanced up from scrubbing at a plate, more brevity in his eyes than Eddie had seen since he woke in the hospital. “Yeah, I’m fine. May and I had a good talk, that’s all.” He ducked his head and added bashfully, “She helped. I can see why I think of her as my sister.” 

   “Good,” Eddie smiled, despite the sharp twisting within himself. He hated that it felt like he was lying as he added, “I’m glad. Now pass me that plate already, it’s clean.” 

Chapter Text

   Evan opened his eyes slowly, his stomach roiling violently as a cold sweat broke out over his skin. He groaned and closed his eyes against the streaming sunlight, suddenly aware that his back ached like nothing else. Like that, he knew that he wasn’t on Eddie’s couch as he’d fallen asleep, but rather on a cold, tile floor. 

    Fear struck him and his eyes shot open, taking in the familiar bathroom ceiling of his childhood home. He shot to sit up, regretting the motion instantly with the wave of nausea that accompanied the action. He pressed his hand to his mouth to hold back the rising bile, but it was too late. He moved to the toilet just in time to heave. There wasn’t enough in his stomach for much more than stomach acid, leading to dry heaving that felt worse than throwing up would have. 

    When he was finally done he collapsed back on his ass, struggling to catch his breath. He looked around the bathroom, confirming for himself that yes, he was back home. The empty pill bottles on the floor, along with a few scattered pills, seemed to taunt him with his failure. His blood ran cold, heart slamming against his rib cage. 

    Had it all been a dream? Was it even possible for a dream to feel so real, to span so many days? His vision blurred as hot tears gathered on his lashes, and Evan curled his knees to his chest and buried his face in them hopelessly. 

   He knew it was too good to be true. He knew it, and yet he had finally been starting to believe… 

    Evan jolted awake with a gasp, drenched with sweat that stuck his skin to Eddie’s couch uncomfortably. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw that Christopher was staring down at him, standing near where his head lay near the arm of the couch. When the boy saw Evan was awake, he gestured for him to move so he could sit down. 

    Once he they were both situated and Chris’s crutches were propped up, Chris smiled sympathetically at him. “Were you having a nightmare?” 

    Feeling distinctly caught, Evan swallowed thickly and wondered exactly how much he should tell this child. “Yeah buddy, I did.” 

    “I have nightmares too, sometimes,” Chris offered, reaching out to pat Evan’s hand. 

    “Your dad told me we were in a tsunami together,” Evan nodded. He figured something like that would scar a kid for life, but Chris seemed surprisingly well-adjusted. Especially since, according to Eddie, it had only happened a few years ago. 

    “It’s okay, you saved me,” the kid said, cuddling up to Evan’s side to rest his head on his bicep. Evan automatically lifted his arm to wrap around his shoulders, pulling him in closer. Staring at the top of his curls, Evan was overcome with the strange urge to plant a kiss there. ‘Weird.’ 

   “I’m glad for that.” 

   “Was that what your nightmare was about, too?” 

   He debated making something up- something nonsensical about spiders, or even just lying that he didn’t remember- but as Christopher blinked up at him with those wide, imploring eyes, Evan found that he couldn’t do it. He had always wanted someone to just tell him the truth as a kid; to tell him why his parents didn’t love him like all of the other kids’ parents, to tell him why there were so many kids toys in the garage that he wasn’t allowed to play with, to help him understand why his sister had left and didn’t come back. 

    “I had a nightmare that all of this was just a dream,” Evan admitted softly, leaning down to rest his cheek on the top of Chris’s soft hair. He wrapped his arms around Evan’s bicep to cuddle closer. The sweet gesture buttered him up just right for Christopher’s next question. 

    “Are you sad, Bucky?” 

   Evan lifted his head to stare down at Chris, wondering what it was about the younger generation in his life that made them read him so well. First May, and now Chris? Just how obvious was Evan being? He had never had to hide his feelings before, as his parents usually tried their absolute damndest to pretend he didn’t exist. Maddie was the only one who ever paid attention to his moods, and she had left seven years ago in his current memory. 

    “W-Why do you say that, buddy?” 

    “I dunno,” Chris shrugged, tightening his hold on Evan’s arm. “You just look sad all the time. My Bucky told me once that his parents weren’t very nice to him. Is that why it was a nightmare?” 

   ‘Did this kid just snipe me?’ Evan should really tell Eddie that his kid is a genius. For someone born after 2007, he was shockingly insightful. 

    “Yeah,” he replied, his voice low. “My parents aren’t like your dad, Chris. They don’t take me to the park, or the aquarium, or do my homework with me like your dad does with you.” 

    Chris was quiet as he considered this, leaning his head back on Evan’s arm with a thunk. After a few moments of contemplation, he spoke again. “That’s okay, Bucky. We can share my dad. He always says he has enough love for two parents, so I’m sure I can share some with you!” 

    The older man blinked, realizing for the first time that he hadn’t heard a single peep about Christopher’s mother. He wondered for a moment if he should ask, before coming to his senses and recognizing this probably wasn’t the best moment. Chances were, his older self already knew anyway, so there was no need to make the kid relive something bad, if that was what had happened. 

    “Thank you, Chris,” Evan smiled, giving in to his urge to kiss the kid’s curls. With his blond-ish hair and blue eyes, the twelve year old honestly looked like he could be related to Evan, too. The thought warmed his heart more than probably made sense for a child he hadn’t known for more than a few days, but he decided to chalk it up to muscle-memory and go with the flow. Besides, Chris clearly deserved all of the love and affection in the world. Why shouldn’t Evan give it to him? 

   “You’re a sweet kid.” 

   Chris positively lit up at the kiss and the compliment, propping his chin on Evan’s bicep to more comfortably gaze up at him. “Love you, Bucky. I’ll tuck you in tonight so you don’t have another bad dream, okay?” 

   A sudden sting burned in his eyes, but he swiftly blinked the tears away before Chris could pick up on them. He swallowed against the lump in his throat and pulled the kid up into a bear hug, smiling at his effervescent giggles in response. It didn’t feel like a stretch at all when he answered. 

   “I love you too, Chris. Thank you for making me feel better.” They stayed in the hug for a few more seconds before Evan pulled himself together and set him back down on the couch cushion, clapping his hands. 

   “Now, should we get breakfast started before your dad gets out here and burns something again?

  (x) 

   When Eddie tucked his son into bed that evening, (after Chris inexplicably insisted on tucking Evan in on the couch) he was just reaching over to turn off the lamp when Chris ambushed him. 

   “Bucky told me his parents never took him to the park, or the aquarium, or did his homework with him.” 

    Blinking, Eddie released the lamp string to give Chris his full attention. “Oh? And how did this conversation come up?” 

    “He was having a nightmare this morning. When I asked him what it was about, he said he dreamed that none of this was real.” Chris shifted his eyes guiltily, playing with his thumbs over the covers. 

    “And?” Eddie prompted, when it was obvious he wasn’t going to admit anything. 

    Glancing back at him, Chris’s shoulders hunched a bit. “You said I couldn’t ask him about anything I didn’t already know about, so I asked him something I kind of already knew about.” 

    Eddie had a bad feeling about this. “What did you say, Chris?” 

    “I asked him if it was a nightmare because his parents weren’t very nice to him. Bucky told me once when his parents were visiting that he didn’t want to see them because they weren’t nice to him when he was my age.” 

    This was the first Eddie was hearing of this, although he supposed he shouldn’t be surprised. Buck and Chris probably had a few secrets from him, but it didn’t bother him as much as one might think. In the privacy of his own thoughts, Eddie often found himself thinking of his best friend as Christopher’s other parent. 

    One could hardly blame him! Buck seemed to slip into the role like he was born for it, without Eddie ever asking him to. It got even worse after Eddie was shot and Buck moved in, as he became Christopher’s primary caretaker for over a month until Eddie’s arm was out of the sling. Even after he moved out Buck spent most of his free time with them- cooking meals, playing with Chris, helping him with homework or forcing Eddie into deep cleaning the house with him. 

    Really, was it any wonder that Eddie had fallen in love with him? 

    “Chris,” Eddie said disapprovingly, zoning back into the conversation. “I thought we talked about this.” 

    “I’m sorry, dad! But we hugged and Bucky said I made him feel better, so I don’t regret it,” Chris huffed, crossing his arms. His pout was a distinctly Buck expression, and Eddie had to bite the inside of his cheek to not smile. 

    “I’m glad you made him feel better, but don’t try to bend the rules, kiddo.” To soften his words, he reached out to ruffle Chris’s hair. “It’s like reading his diary, remember?” 

   “I won’t do it again,” Chris grumbled. 

   “Okay. Goodnight, sweet dreams.” Eddie turned out the light and exited the room, heading to his own room to flop down on his bed. He tossed the crook of his elbow over his eyes and processed everything Chris had told him. He really didn’t mind if his son and Buck had a few secrets; he just couldn’t help but wish that this particular thing wasn’t one of them. 

    Why could Buck tell his twelve year old son about his parents and not Eddie? Granted, he hadn’t said much to Chris, but the single sentence he had said was more than Eddie had ever gotten. 

    “And now I’m jealous of a preteen,” Eddie grumbled, relaxing his arm back to the bed. After squinting at his ceiling lights for long enough to leave spots in his vision, he forced himself to clear his mind of the topic and get up to run through his night routine. 

(x)

   It happened slowly over the next few days. The first sign that Evan was getting his memory back was, of course, the nightmare about the tsunami. One week since Evan woke up in the hospital sans-memories, he shot awake on Eddie’s couch feeling drained. Another nightmare that he couldn’t quite remember had plagued his sleep. Christopher and his father were already awake, bopping around the kitchen and talking softly in a way that he could just barely hear from the living room. Evan could picture the domestic scene in his mind, smiling as affectionate warmth bloomed in his chest. 

   He was up and ambling to them in a minute, returning their happy greetings with one of his own. Chris was seated at the kitchen table, legs swinging beneath his chair, while Eddie prepared breakfast at the stove. 

   “Do me a favour?” Eddie asked keeping an eye on the skillet that Evan could see held french toast. “Can you grab the powdered sugar shaker?” 

   “Sure,” Evan said, eager to help. He went over to the drawer that held the kitchen’s odds-and-ends without a second thought. 

   “Oh, it’s in the-“ Eddie began, turning to face him. Evan was already holding it out to him, blinking innocently at Eddie’s surprised face. It took him a moment to realize that, since he’d come home with Eddie, he’d had no need to go through that drawer, and thus shouldn’t have known that the shaker was inside.      

    Eddie raised an eyebrow while Evan stared down at the object in his hand, wracking his brain for any memories that he hadn’t had before. There were a few murky ones- images of Bobby and him pattering around the firehouse kitchen, of him and Eddie in his own kitchen at the loft drinking beer- but nothing concrete. 

    Suddenly, that frustrated him. Even those few memories filled him with such a pleasant emotion, something his sixteen year old self hadn’t felt in a long, long time. Just having a taste of what he was missing brought humiliating tears to his eyes. 

    Eddie reached out and gently took the sugar shaker, squeezing Evan’s hand reassuringly before he let go. Instead of shying away from the touch like usual, Evan actually found himself craving more. Yet another thing that had changed overnight. 

   “It’s okay,” Eddie said softly. “They’ll come back soon enough.” 

    Evan could only nod, keeping his head down in hopes that the older man wouldn’t see how upset he was. He took a seat next to Christopher at the kitchen table, forcing himself to listen intently as the twelve year old rambled about everything he would be doing at school that day. It worked to distract him and make him feel better. Still, by the time Eddie was leaving to take his son to school, Evan was grateful for a bit of time alone. 

   He washed the breakfast dishes, as was his new routine, all while combing his mind for any fresh memories. He was so distracted that, when Eddie came back through the front door an hour later, Evan was already putting the last dish away in the cabinet. He heard Eddie calling out to him, but Evan was too shocked by what he had just done. 

   He had put the dishes away on autopilot- dishes that he shouldn’t have known the places for. When Eddie walked into the kitchen and found him staring at the open cabinet, he sent him a questioning, albeit slightly concerned, look. 

   “You okay?” 

   “I- I put the dishes away,” Evan said. 

   “I can see that,” Eddie said patiently. He didn’t get it. 

   “Eddie, I put the dishes away. First try.” That made Eddie blink. Although the tried to hide it, Evan could clearly read the spark of hope on his face. Maybe that, too was a sign of returning memories, because he didn’t think the him of the day before would have been able to notice. 

   “Okay,” Eddie said. “They’re definitely coming back, then. Have you remembered anything else?” 

   “Nothing… Nothing clear,” Evan admitted, a bit begrudgingly. “They’re more like feelings; flashes. Bobby and I cooking at the station… You and I drinking beers in my kitchen and talking about something.” 

   “That’s something!” 

   “It’s not,” Evan snapped, slamming the cabinet door closed. This time when the tears sprang to his eyes, he did nothing to try and hide them. “God, I’m so sick of feeling like this!” He buried his fingers in his hair and tugged on the strands, the pain grounding him better than anything else could. 

   Eddie took a step closer, raw concern on his face. “Like what, Ev?” 

   It was the nickname that broke him. Nobody had ever bothered to call him that before; to say his name with so much familiarity and affection. It seemed like whenever anyone used his name, it was with disappointment or derision. He could see why his future self preferred to go by another name entirely. 

   He released his hair to press the heels of his hands into his eyes, hunching in on himself as if he could hide how broken he was from Eddie. Without prompt, an answer floated into his mind. “Like I’m never going to feel normal again.” 

    The words were both familiar and foreign. A flash of Eddie’s face, soft and tear-streaked burst into his mind, but it was gone as soon as it had appeared. 

   “Hey,” Eddie said, sounding closer, as if he was right in front of him. Sure enough, hands wrapped loosely around his wrists, pulling his own away from his face. “I promise you, you won’t be like this forever. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it won’t be more than a few days, now.”

   Evan looked between the man’s affable brown eyes, but he found no hints that he was just trying to make Evan feel better. He really believed what he was saying, then. Evan found himself nodding, the knot in his chest loosening with the comfort. 

   “Can I give you a hug?” Eddie asked, still holding Evan’s wrists between them. The younger man didn’t hesitate to agree, perhaps a tad too enthusiastically. Within moments Eddie had stepped into his space, looping his arms around Evan’s waist to squeeze him tightly. Evan hugged him back just as tight, burying his face in the crook of Eddie’s neck and shoulder. 

    The smell of clean linen and musky aftershave filled his senses, relaxing any lingering tension that still remained in his muscles. He was suddenly intensely aware that he probably still stunk with lingering sweat from last night’s nightmare, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Eddie had smelled him at a lot worse after all, such as when he was covered in ash from a burning building, or after an intense workout at the station. 

    For the first time in a while, Evan felt well and truly safe. It should have scared him, how apparently dependent he was on Eddie. Evan’s phone was filled with pictures of him and Christopher, and his calendar was dotted with various events and reminders pertaining to them. According to Maddie, who Evan had been texting a lot, Evan spent more time at Eddie’s house than his own loft. 

   It seemed like Eddie and Chris were the center of his whole universe. It would be so easy for them to destroy him. If Eddie ever decided to leave like everyone else in Evan’s life, the boy had no delusions about being able to survive it. 

    Even so, he wasn’t scared at all. He still felt completely and undeniably safe in Eddie’s embrace, his anxieties completely assuaged by his touch. Really, that said it all, didn’t it? 

   Like that, Evan made his decision. When he got his memories back, he was going to tell Eddie everything. It was time to trust that at least one person in his life wasn’t going to leave him behind. 

Chapter Text

    Over the next few days after Eddie went back to work, Evan continued getting more bits and pieces back. Some of them were big, like remembering Abby, and his entire year in Peru- while others were little nuggets, like flashes of memories. Him and Hen at her dining room table, drinking and laughing while the rest of their family worked a shift. That day at the hospital while Jee-Yun was born. Using the fire hose to save Athena’s life on the first day they met. 

   He kept almost all of it to himself, not wanting to get anyone’s hopes up. Exactly ten days since waking up in the hospital, Buck woke up around seven o’clock in the morning to find the Diaz household already empty. 

    There was a note stuck on the fridge in Eddie’s handwriting, so reminiscent of those months after the sniper when Buck practically lived on Eddie’s couch. It took his tired eyes a moment to completely comprehend the note. 

    Evan,

My shift started early this morning, so I dropped Chris off at Carla’s so she could take him to school. I’ll be home around six. 

                                                           x Eddie 

     Buck smiled down at the note, automatically beginning to carefully fold it so that it could live in his wallet, until he could place it in his nightstand at home with all of Eddie’s other little notes from over the years. Buck only tended to keep the ones that either had sentimental value, or were cute enough to make him smile. That little kiss at the end of this note definitely felt drawer worthy. 

    It was only as Buck tucked the note into his wallet that he realized. He completely froze, paralyzed with fear that now that he had realized, everything would fade back into oblivion. 

   That wasn’t the case. As Buck gently prodded his mind for memories, everything came to him with the same difficulty/ease that they had before his accident. He could even remember the house fire that had caused him to lose his memories in the first place. 

    He and Eddie had been ordered to evacuate, and had been mere feet from freedom before the ceiling collapsed on top of them. The debris had knocked him totally unconscious. Then he woke up in the hospital, a sixteen year old trapped in his thirty-one year old body, wondering if he had died and gone to hell for deciding to take his own life. 

    Stumbling to the couch, Buck sank down onto the cushions, running through everything he had done in the past ten days with a fine-toothed comb. Suffice to say that sixteen year old Evan was significantly different than thirty-one year old Buck, and it showed. 

    Evan had woken up with a deep sorrow at not having been successful at taking his own life, just like the first time it had happened. He could still remember his parents’ cruel words when he’d stumbled down the stairs the morning after, dizzy and sick from the concoction of pills he had taken. His father had been reading the newspaper and sipping on coffee at the kitchen table, while his mother sliced some grapefruit at the counter, ignoring his existence like always. 

   “Still alive, then?” Phillip Buckley asked, not so much as glancing up from his paper. Evan had frozen, horrified that one of them must have come into the bathroom and seen the empty pill bottles scattered around him the night before. 

    The horror quickly turned to one single realization. They knew- had likely found their passed out son on the ground- and yet neither of them had bothered to get him any help. They had just… left him there, to live or die. The thought stung worse than any hopelessness and defeat that had led him to making the decision in the first place. 

    Buck didn’t answer his father, but he didn’t really have to. He hadn’t remembered his parents’ cold reaction per se, but he had been reeling from what was, to him, a very recent suicide attempt. Buck was really, really lucky that nothing had set him off to try again in the days without his memories. 

   The house around him was quiet, and for a few moments, he wasn’t sure what he should do. Did he wait until Eddie and Christopher came home to tell them the good news, or did he text the 118 group chat? 

   In the end, he decided the best thing to do would be stopping by the fire house to let everyone know in person. He knew that Maddie had the day off today, so he could go to her apartment afterwards. She would probably insist on driving him to the hospital for one last check-up, but that was fine by him. 

    So, Buck grabbed the keys to his Jeep and headed over, excited and nervous. When he got there he parked in his usual spot next to Eddie’s truck, pleased to find it empty even without him around. Walking inside with his memories back felt like coming home, and he was grateful to find all of the trucks and ambulance in the bay. It meant nobody had been sent on a call. 

   Laughter echoed from the loft as Buck climbed the stairs, slower than his usual excited bounding. The anxiety about telling everyone that he had his memories back hadn’t faltered, although he couldn’t even pinpoint why he was so nervous. Surely he should be happy, right? 

   When he reached the top of the steps, he had a moment to survey the scene before anyone noticed that he was there. Eddie and Bobby were sitting at the table playing a card game, while Hen and Chim played that firefighter simulation video game that Hen loved so much. The picture they made had him smiling, and that was when Bobby glanced up and saw him. 

   He was on his feet in an instant, concern written all over his face. “Evan!” He said, and in seconds everyone else was standing and looking at him, too. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?” 

   Buck winced at the name. “Yeah, don’t call me Evan.” 

   With his words everyone paused, the gears turning as they each registered what exactly that meant. Buck grinned nervously, reaching up to rub the tension from the back of his neck. Hen snapped out of her daze first, stepping towards him. 

    “Buck?” She asked slowly, sounding hopeful. 

    “Did you get your memories back?” Chimney demanded. 

    Buck nodded, relaxing at their reactions. “Yeah. I woke up this morning and they were all there. I didn’t even realize for a few minutes, which is even crazier than it sounds.” 

   “I’m so glad you’re okay, kid!” Bobby beamed, coming forward to wrap him in a bear hug. Buck returned it just as enthusiastically before he pulled away and put his full attention on Eddie. It was his reaction that had been making him the most anxious. 

    Eddie’s expression was blank upon first glance. When he noticed Buck looking he smiled, nodding once. “It’s good to have you back, Buck.” 

    There was something about his face… His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. Buck frowned and opened his mouth to question him, but of course the inevitable happened. The alarm began to blare, startling all of them. 

   “Shit,” Hen sighed, looking between the stairs and Buck. 

   “Go ahead,” Buck chuckled, waving them all off. “I’ll be back here before you know it.” 

   “I’ll stop by after work tomorrow,” Bobby promised, before he and Hen raced to the stairs. Chimney took a few steps back, still facing Buck. 

   “I won’t tell Maddie, so long as you promise to go straight to her.” 

   “Already my plan, Chim.” 

   Chimney smirked and took off, leaving just Buck and Eddie. Eddie’s fake smile was gone, leaving a dark intensity in its wake. 

   “Go home after Maddie’s,” he instructed. Buck’s mouth fell open at the blatant use of the word “home” when referring to Eddie’s house, as if Buck actually lived there, too. With the look on Eddie’s face, it was definitely intentional. 

   “Y-Yeah,” Buck stuttered, flustered. Eddie bobbed his head, and this time, his small smile was genuine. Buck’s stomach flipped at the sight of it, and he was glad when Eddie turned to hop in the truck. He was going to need a moment to recover.  

  (x) 

   It wasn’t until the next day that Buck got to see Eddie, considering the forty-eight hour shift. He’d spent the whole previous afternoon and evening with Christopher, who was overjoyed that his Bucky had remembered him. With his memories back, it seemed that Buck’s body clock was back on track, because he woke up at four a.m. like he usually did for his shifts. 

   After a shower, he decided to make Eddie some breakfast, as he would be home in two hours. Since it was the weekend, Christopher would be sleeping in until ten at least, which would give Buck plenty of time to interrogate Eddie about his strange reaction from the day before. 

    He was just making the last of the pancakes when he heard Eddie come through the front door. It was lucky that he hadn’t had any overtime today, so his breakfast was fresh. Buck didn’t say anything as he made his friend a plate, knowing Eddie would find him. 

    When Buck turned around holding the plate, Eddie was leaning in the doorway of the kitchen, watching him with that same intense expression as the day before. Buck had to force himself not to blush, although he wasn’t sure how successful he was. 

   “You just gonna stare at me, or are you gonna eat?” He joked, waving the plate enticingly. 

   Eddie pushed off of the frame and approached him, taking the plate from him. “Thanks,” he said quietly, his voice a little rough. Buck frowned, turning to watch as Eddie brushed past him to sit at the dining table. He’d already laid out the butter, syrup and fruit, with enough portions in the fridge for when Chris woke up. 

   Evan cautiously moved to take his own seat across from Eddie, studying him as he gave himself some fruit and butter for his pancakes. He didn’t even look at Buck as he did so, which further proved that something was indeed wrong. Buck swallowed thickly, nervous again for the conversation to come. 

   “What’s up?” He made himself ask. 

   Eddie paused with his fork halfway to his mouth, watching Buck critically. The blond’s heart rate quickened, and he resisted the urge to glance away. Clearly, some of his sixteen year old self’s mannerisms had stuck around. 

   Sighing, Eddie put his fork down. “I just realized,” he began, eyes still evaluating him, “That I don’t know you as well as I thought I did.” 

   Whatever Buck had been expecting, it wasn’t that. “What?” He laughed, shaking his head. “Yes you do. Eds, nobody has ever known me as well as you do.” 

   “That may be true,” Eddie conceded, picking his fork back up to take a bite of his pancakes. “But I realized while your memories were gone that you never talk about your life in Hershey. Ever. There are nineteen whole years of your life that I know nothing about, years that changed you.” 

   Buck closed his mouth. He really couldn’t argue with that. Eddie was right- he never did talk about the first nineteen years of his life. After he’d left home and went on the road, he’d made a lot of new friends. None of them were very close, likely his fault given his previously skittish personality, but he had learned one thing from them. If he ever mentioned off-handed things about his childhood, it almost always resulted in horrified silence; sometimes in changed behavior and pitying looks. Evan couldn’t stand that. 

    Buck sighed, running a hand through his ungelled curls. “It’s not because of you, Eddie. I don’t tell anyone about my childhood. Even Maddie only knows what she was around for, and things were a lot better when she was still there.” 

   For some reason, this made Eddie snort. “From what Maddie has told us, it was a shit show for her.” 

   Buck stared at Eddie pointedly, raising an eyebrow. “They were a lot worse when Maddie left,” he repeated. 

   Eddie’s eyes widened a little bit, and he nodded. “Okay, yeah. But Buck- Evan. You don’t have to hide anything. Not from me.” 

    The bigger man sighed, remembering the promise his sixteen year old self had made.  “What do you want to know?” 

    With the sudden permission, Eddie hesitated. There was obviously something specific he wanted to ask on the tip of his tongue- something he didn’t want to say. Buck waited, propping his chin on his hand as he watched his friend struggle with himself. 

   Eddie’s curiosity finally won out. “Were your parents abusive?” 

   Not nearly as bad a question as Buck had been thinking from his caution. He thought back to his childhood, to when his purposeful injuries for attention turned into slaps and punches if he ever dared wind up in the hospital. He remembered supergluing his wounds closed despite knowing he needed stitches, in fear of his parents’ reaction. 

   He remembered being kept from food as punishment for being too loud. His parents’ indifference to his suicide attempt, and how badly it made him want to try again and succeed. 

   “Yes,” he said simply, watching closely for Eddie’s reaction. “They were very abusive.” 

    The other man’s jaw ticked as he swallowed, his pancakes still mostly untouched in front of him. “Physically? Emotionally?”

    “Yes,” Buck said. “Both. Maddie doesn’t know that, though. After everything with Doug, I didn’t have the heart to tell her.” 

   “You don’t think she would want to know that?” Eddie questioned. “Especially since Jee-Yun is in the picture now?”

    “They would never hurt Jee,” Buck said firmly. “I’m sure of it.”

   “How can you-“

   “Because she’s the product of Maddie,” he explained. “They love Maddie, even if they were swallowed by their grief. They didn’t love me.”

    Eddie’s expression pincher with anger, but it was gone as soon as it formed. He took a deep breath to calm himself before he asked his next question. “What… Did they do to you?”

    Buck shrugged, adjusting his chin on his hand to watch Eddie more comfortably. “When Maddie was around, they were just cold and distant. I learned pretty young that I could get them to pay attention to me if I got hurt, so I started pulling reckless stunts. By the time Maddie left when I was nine, I had broken six bones, tore my ACL, and needed sixty-seven stitches in total.” 

   “Jesus,” Eddie hissed through his teeth. 

   “Yeah,” Buck huffed. “I was pretty crazy. Anyways, after Maddie left, it was like all of the pretenses died. The next time I got hurt, spraining my wrist falling out of a tree… Well, let’s just say that it ended up broken.” 

   “Dios mío,” Eddie muttered. “I’m sorry, Buck. No wonder you didn’t want to see them when they visited.” 

   Buck had to admit, finally having someone agree with him felt good. With the whole Daniel situation, it felt like nobody but Eddie had been on his side. Bobby had sympathized with Phillip and Margaret due to his own significant losses. Hen had thought that his parents deserved to explain themselves, and Chimney and Maddie had been trying to absolve their own guilt. 

   He knew it wasn’t their fault- How were they supposed to understand his vehement resistance, when he had never told them?- but that didn’t make their comments about forgiveness and closure hurt any less. 

   “I’ll let you off the hook for now,” Eddie said, once again picking up his fork. “But I’d really like to know about your life, Evan:” He shook his head sharply. “Sorry, Buck.” 

   Buck smiled. “I- I don’t mind if you call me Evan. It’s… Nice, coming from you.” 

   Eddie tilted his head a bit, but he was smiling. A soft, almost bashful smile that made Buck’s heart slam against his ribs. “Okay, Evan.” 

   (x) 

   The next day Maddie and Athena managed to switch their shifts. Since it was the 118’s day off as well, they decided to hold a barbecue at Bobby and Athena’s to celebrate Buck getting his memories back. Buck was excited to see everyone- it felt like he hadn’t spent time with them in a while, despite their hangouts when he was just Evan. 

   Christopher was ecstatic to see Denny and Harry, so around one p.m., the Diaz’s and Buck headed over. Chris pretty much immediately went off with his friends to play. The conversation at the table while Bobby barbecued turned to Buck rather quickly, which was about what he expected. 

   “What was it like?” Chimney asked, leaning across the table. Buck looked down at his beer, swirling the liquid inside as he thought. 

   “Really weird,” he admitted. “It kind of felt like I time travelled to the future, or stuck in a parallel universe.” He could distinctly remember also thinking he might be in hell, but he wasn’t about to admit that. 

   “You were so different,” Hen commented, holding Karen’s hand on the table. “I never thought I would describe you as shy, but you really were.” 

    It was less “shy” and more “terrified,” but Buck wasn’t about to admit that, either. Instead he chuckled, trying to make it genuine. “Yeah, I was pretty… Different as a teenager.”

   “It must have been scary, waking up in a hospital without knowing why you were there,” Karen said sympathetically. 

   Maddie’s brow furrowed, cradling Jee-Yun to her chest while the child tried to tug on her hair. “I was wondering about that,” she declared. “When you woke up, the doctor said that you thought you were there for a different reason. Did you go to the hospital when you were sixteen?”

    Buck froze, gripping the neck of his beer bottle hard enough to turn his knuckles white. At his side, Eddie looked at him and frowned. He didn’t need to speak for Buck to know what he was thinking- That Evan’s parents had sent him to the hospital for one abuse or another. How ironic that the exact opposite was true. They had abused him by not sending him to the hospital. 

   “Buck?” Athena asked, bringing him out of his thoughts. Everyone was looking at him now, various expressions of concern on their faces. “If you don’t want to talk about it…” 

    Did he want to talk about it? Buck’s eyes first flicked to May’s, sitting next to her mother watching him with a supportive expression. He knew without a doubt that whether he kept it a secret or talked about it, his pseudo-sister would support him. 

   Next he looked at Maddie, who looked so worried about him, like she always was. Buck was constantly stressing his sister out. He really shouldn’t say anything. He already knew how much it would upset her… And if he told her, she might figure out that his motorcycle crash at nineteen hadn’t exactly been an accident. 

    Eddie’s hand squeezed his leg beneath the table. Buck looked at his best friend, remembering his amnesiac-self’s promise to tell the truth when he got his memories back. He and Eddie had a silent conversation, as was par for the course with them. 

   ‘I think you should tell them,’ Eddie’s raised eyebrows said. He was still assuming the hospital visit was the result of abuse. 

   Buck slightly shook his head. ‘I can’t.’

   The dark haired man’s brows relaxed as his face became soft. ‘I’ll support you,’ his eyes said. He squeezed Buck’s leg again. ‘You know my opinion.’

   “Evan?” Maddie said, interrupting them. Both men turned to face the table. Maddie looked a little scared, and Buck realized that his and Eddie’s behavior was even more telling that they were hiding something. From the looks everyone were exchanging, they knew it too. 

    Buck tried for a lie, plastering a fake smile on his lips. “Just a run-of-the-mill injury, Mads. You know how I was.” 

    Maddie narrowed her eyes at him, picking his reply apart in seconds. “No,” she said, glancing between him and Eddie accusingly. “That’s not it. Why are you lying to me?” 

   He was really starting to sweat now. “Maddie…” 

   “I thought we agreed, no more secrets,” Maddie hedged. The guilt was beginning to build within him, and he looked at May again for help. The girl nodded at him once, smiling sweetly. 

    Eddie cut in to try and save him before Buck could speak. “Maddie, it’s not really something…” He trailed off, meeting Buck’s eyes. He could fill in the blanks, even if no one else could. ‘It’s not really something you want to know.’ 

    “Let’s calm down,” Bobby interjected, turning away from the grill. 

   “Just tell me!” Maddie begged, her eyes a bit teary. And, well. Evan had never been able to deny his beloved sister anything. 

   “You really want to know?” He asked, but he didn’t wait for an answer. “I tried to kill myself, Maddie. I was sixteen and I took a few bottles of pills. I woke up in the hospital, and I thought Eddie was some random volunteer there to make sure I wouldn’t try again. But do you want to know what actually happened?” 

    Everybody was staring at him, shell-shocked, so he continued. “I woke up the next morning and went downstairs, and you wanna know what our parents said? Dad looked at me and said, ‘Still alive, then?’ before he went back to reading the newspaper.” Buck was practically spitting with anger by that point, the pain feeling all the more fresh due to his recent experience. 

   “They found me passed out the night before and left me there. I never went to the hospital, and they never mentioned it again.” 

    Everyone looked appalled. Karen and Hen were squeezing each other’s hands like lifelines. Chimney had reached to grab Maddie’s shoulder, who was cradling Jee-Yun like she might be able to shield her from Buck’s fate. Eddie’s grip on Buck’s thigh was slack from astonishment. 

     Buck leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms, looking away from them all. He wanted more than anything to get up and run, but he knew that even if he did, someone would chase him. Eddie had driven him there, anyway. 

    “Why-“ Maddie croaked, clearing her throat. “Why didn’t you call me?”

    Looking at her heartbroken, terrified expression, Buck sighed heavily. “I did,” he admitted. “Three times. You blocked me.” 

    Maddie began to cry, burying her face in the top of Jee’s head. Buck exhaled, looking away again. Eddie was absolutely right; she really hadn’t wanted to know. 

   “Kid,” Bobby said, sounding a little choked up himself. He didn’t continue, so Hen picked up where he left off. 

   “I can’t believe they just left you there,” she said, although it was more like she was talking to herself. 

    Buck reached up to try and rub the tension from his eyes. “They didn’t love me.” 

   “Buck,” Chimney frowned, but Buck cut him off with a scowl. 

   “Don’t,” he snapped. “You think you know what my childhood was like, but you don’t. Maddie left when I was nine. There was an entire decade she knew nothing about- that you know nothing about.” 

    “What does that mean?” Athena asked. 

    Glancing at Eddie, Buck found the man was already watching him. His doe brown eyes were gentle with understanding, and perhaps a little heartbreak of his own. He nodded once when he saw Buck looking to him for approval. 

    He avoided Maddie’s imploring eyes and looked right at Athena as he answered her question. “They abused me. They would hit me, yank me around, kick me. I broke a few bones. They would lock up the food when I was being particularly difficult. During the summer they would lock me in my room for days at a time.” 

   “Holy shit,” Chimney whispered. Buck dared to look at Maddie. She looked absolutely gutted, her face pale and eyes wide as saucers. 

    He looked down at Jee-Yun and couldn’t help smiling at his niece. “Don’t worry, they would never hurt Jee. They love her to pieces, so-“ 

    “Are you kidding?” Maddie squawked, clutching her daughter. “Do you seriously think I’m ever going to speak to them again?!” 

   Buck frowned. “I really don’t think they would hurt her, Maddie.” 

   “This isn’t about Jee!” Maddie cried. “Evan, this is about you. I just found out my parents abused my baby brother, and you think I’d still want to speak to them?” 

   Honestly? Yeah, he had thought that. The look on his face must have said it all, because Maddie angrily wiped her tears. “Evan.”

    “What?” Buck asked incredulously. “Mads, they emotionally abused me while you were still there and you still wanted to forgive and forget. Why should I think this is any different?” 

    “Buck,” Chimney said, looking nervous. Buck gestured to Chimney pointedly.  

    “Chimney punched me in the face and didn’t even apologize, and none of you cared,” he reminded them. “Hen, you even said it was my fault!” 

    Hen and Chimney both winced, while Maddie and Karen turned to gape at their spouses. “You hit my brother?” Maddie asked. 

   “Henrietta Wilson!” Karen scolded. 

   Chimney didn’t even look at Buck as he spoke. “Maddie, I’m so sorry,” he said. “He just- He hid what happened to Jee from me, and I thought he knew where you were. I just lost it.” 

    “That didn’t give you the right to hit him,” Eddie cut in, jaw ticking. “Even now, you’re apologizing to Maddie.” 

    Buck waved his hands around, desperate to stop the fight before it started. “You guys are missing the point. I’m- I’m a frustrating person, I get it. Even Bobby got physical with me once!” 

    “Bobby?” Athena gasped, looking at her husband. Bobby looked confused for a moment before he remembered, all the colour draining from his face in seconds. 

    “Buck,” he started, sounding strangled. “That- That was my fault. No matter what you did, I never should have touched you.” 

    The younger man looked at him. “But you did,” he said. Bobby flinched back, and Evan hurried to soothe his harsh words. “I don’t blame you. I invaded your privacy. But you and Chim- it was like you couldn’t help it, right?” He turned to Eddie expectantly. “You started street fighting because you wanted to hit me so bad!” 

    Eddie straightened up indignantly, his eyes flashing. “Evan,” he said sharply. “That is not why. I would never, ever want to hurt you.” 

    “Baby,” Athena said, reaching across the table to grab his hand. When she looked at him, it was with intensity, and he knew what she was about to say. “Other people hurting you is not your fault. Your parents hurting you is not your fault.”

    “You don’t get it,” Buck said, pulling his hand away frustratedly. “You didn’t know me when I was younger.”

   “Actually, we do now,” Athena scowled. “We met the sixteen year old you, and it broke my heart, Buck. You were so closed off and shy. Terrified. No rational person would ever look at you like that and want to hurt you.” 

    Buck was beginning to get really uncomfortable. He hadn’t told any of them for so long because he knew they wouldn’t understand. (Another, smaller part of him knew what was really happening. The hot rush of tears. behind his eyes said it all.) 

    So Buck got up from his chair and stepped away from the table, trying to force himself to keep his breathing even. When he looked at Eddie, it was through blurred vision. “I want to go home.” 

    “Buck,” Bobby tried, along with everyone else. But Eddie- sweet, perfect Eddie- simply stood up as well, passing Buck the car keys. 

   “Go wait in the truck,” he instructed. “I’ll grab Christopher.”

   Buck nodded once and took the keys before turning to flee the backyard. He ignored the cries of his name behind him, cutting around the house to go through the back gate and straight to the driveway. Once at Eddie’s truck he unlocked it and slid into the passenger seat, replaying the horrible moments of the conversation. It was Eddie and Athena’s words that stuck out to him the most, however. 

   ‘Evan, I never, ever wanted to hurt you.’

  ‘No rational person would ever look at you like that and want to hurt you.’ 

    He wasn’t sure how long he sat there trying to stave off a panic attack, but soon enough Eddie was sliding into the driver’s seat, sans Christopher. Buck ducked in a shaky breath, blinking back his tears. 

    “Where-“

    “He’s going to stay,” Eddie answered, gently taking the keys out of Buck’s tight grasp. “Athena will drop him off later.” 

   Buck could only nod, his mind already wandering again. Eddie didn’t try to talk to him as he drove them home, willing to just let Buck process everything that had happened. It was yet another reminder of why Buck was so hopelessly in love with him. 

    When they reached the house Eddie ushered him inside. The panic attack had subsided by then, leaving Buck feeling empty and numb. The last time he’d felt like this, his parents had come to visit. The last time he’d felt like this, he had found out about Daniel. 

    The two of them sat on the living room couch, turned towards each other with their knees pressed together. For a few minutes Eddie just watched, seeming to try and gauge how Buck was feeling. Evan just stared at their knees, slightly interlocked with each other. Personal space had never been an issue between them. 

    Apparently, a few minutes of silence was all Eddie could take. He cleared his throat, nudging Buck’s leg with his own. “That was pretty intense back there.” 

    “Yeah,” Buck said, not lifting his eyes. It felt a bit like he was underwater; vaguely floating, having to focus just to understand what Eddie was saying. 

    “How are you feeling?” Eddie questioned. 

    “Nothing,” Buck answered, beginning to pick at his cuticles. It was one-word answers for now. Even they felt like a strain. 

    Thankfully Eddie seemed to understand, switching to yes-or-no questions. Right after Eddie had been shot and his anxiety was at its worst, the two of them often communicated like this. Usually it happened when one of them got lost in a traumatic experience. 

    “Do you regret telling them?” Eddie asked. Buck thought about it for a moment, then shrugged. “Let me rephrase. Do you regret telling us about the attempt?” Buck shook his head. “Do you regret telling us about your parents?” Buck slowly nodded, picking harder at his nails. 

    “You’re upset that people are mad at each other?” Eddie guessed. Buck nodded again. The corner of his thumb began to bleed, and the pain, however small, helped him breathe a bit easier. 

    “That wasn’t your fault, Ev,” Eddie exhaled. He reached up and gently ran a hand through Buck’s hair, and he couldn’t help but lean into the touch. Eddie kept doing it, keeping his voice soft. “You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true, at least in regards to their actions. Chimney did hit you.” His fingers paused halfway through Buck’s curls. “Did Bobby hit you once?”

    Buck shook his head, knowing he would have to explain, at least so Eddie wouldn’t keep being pissed at their captain. “A few months after I first started, I noticed Bobby had this little notebook. He was super private back then- none of us knew anything about him. I… I looked in the notebook without his permission.” 

    When Buck thought back with the context he had now, he still burned with shame. It was such a huge invasion of privacy, and he had deserved what happened. 

   “The notebook had one hundred and forty-eight spaces, and about twenty had names and situations from past calls. All people that Bobby had personally saved.” 

    “One hundred and forty-eight,” Eddie muttered. “That number…” 

    “The number of people that died in Bobby’s apartment fire,” Buck explained. “The notebook was him keeping score, until he saved as many people as he thinks he killed.” 

   “Jesus,” Eddie hissed. Buck looked down again, his face burning. 

    “Yeah. When I asked Bobby about it, he slammed me up against the wall, with his arm at my neck. He was so pissed, and he should have been.” 

   “That wasn’t cool of you, no,” Eddie said, making Buck curl in on himself a bit. He tightened his grip on Buck’s hair. “But that doesn’t mean he should have assaulted you, Buck.” 

    “I deserved it,” Buck tried to say. 

    “No, you didn’t,” Eddie emphasized. “Nobody should ever put their hands on you.” 

    “You don’t get it,” Buck mumbled. Eddie was quiet for a few minutes, seemingly thinking things over. While he did, he continued to comb his fingers through Evan’s hair. 

    “Okay,” Eddie eventually said. “What if it was Christopher?”

    “What?”

    “What if it was Christopher who did something like that? Hell, what if he was the one who kept Maddie’s whereabouts from Chimney? Would you think he deserved it?”

   “Of course not!” Buck cried. “But that’s different!”

   “How so?”

   “Because he’s Christopher. He’s a good kid, he would never pull the shit that I did.” 

   “You’re a good person, too,” Eddie said patiently. Buck wrinkled his nose, frustrated. 

   “I know I- That’s not-“ he struggled. 

   “Evan.” Eddie’s hand moved to cup his cheek, and Buck looked into his eyes again. Eddie looked so soft and earnest… It made his heart skip a beat. “I don’t care if you threw screaming tantrums as a child. I don’t care if you broke everything you touched. I don’t care what you did. Your parents never should have laid a finger on you, the way I know you would never do that to Chris.” 

    His words didn’t automatically fix everything. They didn’t require Evan’s brain and suddenly make him believe what he was saying. But Buck could see that Eddie believed it, and that was enough. Besides, he had a point. No matter what Christopher did, Eddie was right- Buck would never, ever treat him the way that his parents had treated him. 

    It changed nothing, and it changed everything. Right there on Eddie’s couch, Evan Buckley fell into his best friend’s arms and began to cry, grieving the childhood he had lost. Eddie held him through it all, his steady hands rubbing comfort down his spine while he whispered sweet nothings in Spanish. 

Chapter Text

    Somehow, Buck managed to avoid his family’s questions and concerns for another forty-eight hour shift. As Maddie had a more regular schedule, avoiding her mainly consisted of parking his Jeep down the street and pretending he wasn’t home when she came knocking on Eddie’s door. Childish perhaps, but Evan wasn’t quite ready to face her yet. 

   He knew he couldn’t avoid them forever however- the doctor said he was healing exceptionally well, and it wouldn’t be long before he was cleared to go back to work- so once his forty-eight hours were up, Buck decided to face the music. Eddie had left to pick Christopher up from school after getting home from his shift, leaving Buck alone in the house when a familiar knock pounded on the front door. 

     Since he recognized it wasn’t Maddie, Buck took a deep breath to prepare himself and opened the door. Athena Grant-Nash stood on the other side, still dressed in her uniform with her thumbs hooked casually in her duty belt. She smiled warmly, albeit a bit sadly, when she made eye contact with him. 

    “Hey, baby. You wanna let me inside?” 

    Despite the near-crippling fear that Athena would be disappointed in him, the woman was like the mother Buck had never had. Even now he craved her comfort more than he feared her reaction, so he stepped aside and let her in the house. 

    “Can I get you something to drink?” He asked, leading them to sit on the sofa. 

    “No, thank you. I’m here on my break so I can’t stay long.” The sergeant fixed him with a judgmentally arched brow, not bothering to beat around the bush. “So, do you want to tell me why you’re ignoring everyone who loves and cares about you?”

    He should have known she would go right for the jugular. Buck heaved a sigh and turned away from her to face the blank television, elbows resting on his spread knees with his hands interlaced between them. A couple of his loose curls fell over his forehead, but he didn’t bother pushing them back. 

    “I don’t know how to face them,” he admitted quietly, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye. “I know I dropped a couple of bombs and disappeared. I’m sorry I ruined the barbecue.” 

    “We don’t care about the barbecue, Buck. We care about you,” Athena insisted, reaching over to squeeze his bicep reassuringly. “Yes, you did drop a bomb, but it was nothing I didn’t already suspect.” 

    Considering she was a police sergeant who had seen more than her fair share of abuse victims, this shouldn’t have surprised Buck. “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

    “I wanted to, but Eddie convinced me to wait until you were back. Now you are, so let’s talk. It concerns me that you seem to believe you deserve to be hurt. With some other behaviors I’ve seen your adult self make, it’s a wonder I didn’t make the connection before.” 

     Buck was almost afraid to ask. “What do you mean?” 

    Athena looked at him like he was dense. “Should I start with the way you don’t seem to think your life holds the same value as everyone else’s? Perhaps how you throw yourself into mortal danger without a second thought?” 

    “That’s my job,” Buck defended weakly. 

    “Not the way you do it,” Athena snorted. “I have to ask, because I love you and I don’t want to lose you. Are you still suicidal?” 

   “No!” Evan said quickly, completely turning to face her. “I’m not, I promise! I just- I take the more  dangerous stunts because I’m the only one without a family to come home to. If it was Eddie, or Chimney or Hen- they have kids who need them. I’m the odd man out, and that’s fine.” 

    “That’s bullshit,” a new voice said from behind. Buck whirled around with wide eyes, finding Eddie and Christopher standing in the open doorway behind him. Buck somehow hadn’t heard the door open in the midst of his speech, and looking at the barely-concealed anger on his best friend’s face, he really wished he had. 

    “Chris, go do your homework in your room,” Eddie ordered, turning to shut the front door. Chris shot Buck a sympathetic look before he scurried off as fast as his crutches could carry him. Evan watched on with jealousy, wishing he too could escape the conversation to come. 

   “Hello Eddie,” Athena said pleasantly, getting to her feet. Buck followed, watching as Eddie crossed his arms and nodded at Athena before fixing his heated gaze on Buck once more. 

    “Why are you so mad?” Buck dared to ask, glancing at Athena for help. She stayed silent like a traitor, content to watch the conversation play out. She still had that pleasant smile on her face. 

    Eddie huffed and narrowed his eyes at Buck. “How could you say that, Evan? After I spent so much time trying to convince you that we’re family, you still don’t believe it?” 

    Buck softened, finally understanding. “Eds, of course we’re family. I know we are, I just meant- I mean, Christopher is your son. If there was a choice between only getting one of us back to him, of course I would choose you every time.” 

    “Yes, Christopher is my son,” Eddie barked, dark eyes flashing. “But who was the one who figured out how to get him all of the help he needed after I moved here without a single clue? You got me Carla to figure it all out. Who was the one who saved a child with CP from a tsunami while on the fucking pier? You did that. Who was the one who worked him through his nightmares and researched child trauma therapists to drop business cards in my locker? Who was the one who looked past his disability when even I couldn’t figure out a way to let him skateboard like all of the other kids? 

    “You, Buck. You’re- You’re so much more than Christopher’s Uncle Bucky. You took care of him after I got shot, you help him with his homework. He comes to you with the things he can’t come to me about. You’re basically Chris’s other father, and if you still can’t understand that after all of this time-“ Eddie threw his hands up in frustration, leaving the sentence open-ended. 

    Evan felt a little like he’d been kicked in the chest, completely breathless and hardly able to form thoughts. “Eddie… Eds, I- I don’t know what to say.” 

    “Say you’ll stop recklessly throwing yourself into danger,” Athena said gently, reminding Buck that she was still there. He looked at her, and her face was so soft and motherly that it nearly brought tears to his eyes. “Say you’ll stop ignoring your family and talk to us when something is bothering you.” She reached to grab his shoulder, pulling him down until she could plant a kiss on his cheek. 

    “Start with you sister. She loves you, Buck. Talk to her, and everything will work out.” After saying quick goodbyes and making Buck promise to visit soon, she left the house to continue her shift. 

    Eddie was still watching Buck, and he too answered Buck as if Athena hadn’t spoken. “Say you’ll stay with me. With Christopher. Say you’ll work your hardest to always come back to us.” 

    “Yes,” Buck said immediately, stumbling forward. He wasn’t sure which of them initiated it, only that within moments they were squeezing each other in a tight embrace. Buck’s heart slammed against his ribcage, his blood positively singing. He could hardly believe this was happening- it was like a dream come true. 

    “Always, Eddie. I’ll always come back to you.” 

    Eddie pulled back from the hug to cup Buck’s face, guiding him into a sweet kiss that absolutely melted the taller man’s bones. Buck fisted the fabric of Eddie’s shirt at his sides, pulling him closer to deepen the kiss until it was just right. He was rewarded with a groan of satisfaction from his partner, one of his thumbs swiping across his cheekbone tenderly. 

    When they kissed, it felt like coming home. Of course there was that spark of heat Buck always felt when Eddie’s eyes or touch lingered for a moment too long, but there was also a deep sense of comfort that only came with knowing a person so well for so long. Buck knew he could kiss Eddie for the rest of his life and never get tired of it. 

    Having to pull back to breathe, Buck pressed their foreheads together so they shared the same air, his fingers relaxing in the fabric at Eddie’s waist. He shivered as one of Eddie’s hands released his cheek to drift up, reverently tracing the birthmark bisecting his eyebrow. As Eddie spoke, his quiet words washed over Buck and settled inside of him like a brand. 

    “I love you, Evan. Stay with me.” 

    Buck sealed the agreement with another kiss, nearly ruined by the twin beaming smiles on their faces. 

   (x) 

    Once he and Eddie had settled down and reaffirmed their relationship- yes, they were absolutely dating now- Eddie coaxed Buck into texting Maddie to set up a meeting so they could finally talk. As she’d been desperately trying to talk to him for two days, she made plans to have dinner with him at her apartment that night while Chimney took Jee-Yun out somewhere. 

    Buck spent the rest of the afternoon in nervous anticipation over what he might say before Eddie drove him to Maddie’s. He still didn’t quite trust him to regularly operate heavy machinery, but Buck supposed it was for the best. It meant he wouldn’t be able to escape if the conversation took a turn that he didn’t like. 

    He walked up to the front door alone, flexing his clammy hands at his sides before he made himself knock. Maddie opened the door in seconds, as if she had been waiting on the other side. The two siblings just stared at each other awkwardly for a moment, neither quite sure what to say. 

    His sister’s eyes were rimmed with pink as if she’d been crying, with dark circles underneath that attested to how little sleep she had been getting. Her smile was shaky when she opened the door wider to allow him admittance. “Hi, Evan. Come on in.” 

    “Thanks,” Buck mumbled, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he stepped inside. It smelled good, like Italian food- his favourite. He reiterated the compliment to her, smiling a little when she visibly relaxed. 

   “I’m making lasagna. It’ll be done soon. Would you like a beer?” 

    “Yes, please.”

    The two siblings settled at the dining room table, an uncomfortable silence falling between them as neither of them were sure how to start the conversation. Thankfully, Maddie had always been good at taking the lead for him. 

    “Why did you never tell me?” She asked quietly, staring down at her wine glass. “I- I could have helped you.” 

    “You had your own stuff to deal with,” Buck confessed, picking at the label of his beer. “And… You’d been separating yourself from me for a while. I guess… I didn’t think you’d care. Then after you came to L.A. and I found out about Doug, I didn’t want to make things difficult for you, or trigger you or something.” 

    “It’s not your job to protect me,” Maddie said gently, reaching across the table to take his hand. “I’m the older sister. It was my job to protect you. I’m so sorry that I failed, Evan.” Her eyes filled with tears, and she retracted her hand to wipe them away before they could fall too far. 

    “Hey, you didn’t fail,” Buck said quickly. “You were just a kid, too. It- It was our parents job to protect and love us. They failed, Maddie. You… You’re the only reason I made it as far as I did. You showed me what love was when our parents couldn’t, and I will always be grateful to you for that.” 

   More tears fell from her eyes, but she didn’t bother wiping them away this time. Instead Maddie tried to steady herself, taking a few deep breaths before she spoke again. “I want you to know that I called our parents, and I told them that I know everything. I cut them off. We’ll never have to see them again, and they’re never getting near Jee.” 

     Evan felt a sharp pang of guilt at that. He couldn’t help but feel like he had stolen Jee’s grandparents from her with his selfishness. “Are you sure, Maddie? I know how badly you wanted her to have grandparents…” 

    “I wanted an idealized version of them,” Maddie admitted tiredly, looking down at her empty plate. “I wanted… The parents I remembered before Daniel died. The ones who loved us and worried about us, and tucked us into bed at night. They haven’t been those parents in a long time, and it’s about time that I faced that.” 

    “I’m sorry, Maddie.” 

    She looked up at him sharply. “Don’t apologize. I’m glad that you told me, Buck. I wish more than anything that I had been a better sister to you, but I can start now. Tell me when you’re hurting and I’ll help you, just like I know you would help me. Okay?” 

    “Okay. I love you, Mads.” 

   “I love you, Evan.” She sat back in her seat with a satisfied, teasing smile. “Now, was that so hard? Next time don’t ignore me for two days over a ten minute conversation.” 

    Buck rolled his eyes, but thankfully the oven timer beeped, signaling the lasagna was done. Maddie jumped out of her seat to pull it out, so Evan took a sip of his beer and scanned the apartment. He noticed immediately that the couch had been made up into a bed, and it took him a moment to realize why exactly that had happened. After all, he had also exposed both Chimney and Bobby during his little show at the barbecue. 

    Maddie carried the lasagna over to the table and set it on a pot holder between them, taking off her oven mitts and going to grab a spatula before coming back. Buck cleared his throat and decided to just ask, seeing as though they were on this whole “communication” kick. 

    “Is Chimney sleeping on the couch?” 

    Maddie stiffened at the sound of his name, stabbing into the lasagna a tad harder than was strictly necessary. “I can’t sleep with him in the same bed. I… I never thought he was capable of violence like that.” The twist of her mouth and hard glint in her eyes told Buck that she was thinking about Doug. 

    “Hey,” he said quietly, reaching over to cover her hand to stop serving and make her look at him. “Chim is nothing like Doug, Maddie. He would never hit you.” 

     “I never thought he would hit you, either!” She shook off his hand and scooped him a massive piece of lasagna, plopping it on his plate before she portioned a much smaller piece for herself. “I can’t look at him the same, anymore.” 

    “Chimney wasn’t himself when that happened,” Buck defended, keeping his tone low and imploring. Maddie huffed and dropped into her seat, but she was listening to him. 

    “You didn’t see him after you left, Mads. He was a mess- barely sleeping, hardly eating, just desperate to find you and make sure you were alright. That day he hit me, it was obvious he wasn’t in his right mind. He was so upset finding out that Jee had almost drowned, and on top of that he believed that I was hiding you from him. I really, truly believe that nothing like that will ever happen again.” 

     “I’m scared,” Maddie whispered, brown eyes sheening with unshed tears. “I don’t know how I can trust my judgment for something like this again.” 

    “So don’t,” Buck shrugged, looking deep into her eyes to make sure she heard him. “Trust me. Chimney loves you and Jee, and he would never, ever hurt you. And if he ever did, you have me now! I’m way bigger than him, and I could totally kick his ass into next week.” 

    Maddie laughed wetly, shaking her head and picking up her wine to take a sip. Buck relaxed, pleased that he had managed to make her smile. 

    “Okay,” Maddie said, the corner of her mouth quirked up. “I suppose he can come off the couch. But only after he apologizes to you!” 

     Buck nodded and picked up his fork, digging into the lasagna with a matching grin of his own. 

     Chimney came home with Jee-Yun just as Buck was putting his jacket on to leave. He startled a little when he saw Buck, and the taller man was struck by just how crappy the father looked. Like Maddie, he too had dark circles under his eyes as if he hadn’t been sleeping. Not that Buck could blame him considering he was sleeping on the couch on top of taking care of a baby. 

    “Buck!” Chimney said, blinking rapidly like Buck might be a figment of his imagination. “You’re here!” 

    “I was invited,” Buck joked, glancing over at the kitchen. Maddie was washing dishes at the sink with her back to them, seemingly completely unaware that her boyfriend and child had come home due to the rushing faucet. 

    “Can I talk to you for a minute?” Chimney asked, getting Buck’s attention again. 

    “Sure man, what’s up?” Buck cocked his head, slightly distracted as his adorable niece made babbling sounds and reached for him. Chimney smoothly passed her to Buck, who gladly accepted with an ecstatic grin. 

    “I wanted to apologize to you,” Chimney began, once more redirecting Buck’s attention back to him. “When I hit you… I wasn’t myself, not that that’s any excuse. I should have apologized to you after it happened too, but I guess… I convinced myself that I couldn’t have actually hurt you that badly, and I took advantage of your forgiving nature. I’m really sorry.” He hung his head in shame. 

    “I’m not mad at you, Chim,” Buck said gently, bouncing Jee in his arms when she made a few upset noises. She quieted down, so Buck continued once he was sure Chimney was looking at him. “I understand how and why it happened, and I never blamed you. I only brought it up at the barbecue to… Try and explain my parents’ behavior, I guess.” 

    “That somehow makes me feel worse,” Chimney deadpanned. “There is no excuse for parents hurting their child, Buck. I don’t care if Jee repeatedly broke every bone in her body and cost me millions in medical bills, I would never hurt her the way your parents hurt you.” 

    Buck turned his head and coughed into his fist in an effort to hide the way his friend’s words had affected him, even though he knew it was useless. “You’re a good father, Chimney. Jee’s lucky to have you.” 

   “She’s lucky to have you, too,” Chimney said, reaching out to take her back from him. “We all are. I’m so grateful you’re my family, Buck. I promise not to take advantage of it again.” 

    Buck quickly said his goodbyes and got out of there, before he did something embarrassing like cry. When he got home and told Eddie about Chimney’s apology, his boyfriend merely sniffed haughtily. 

    “I suppose I can forgive him. But he’s on thin fucking ice.”

    “Eddie.” 

(x)

    Buck kept his promise and visited the Grant-Nash household for dinner the next evening, dragging Eddie along with him so he wouldn’t have to face the conversation alone. 

   May answered the door still in her call center uniform, grinning wildly when she spotted him. “Buck! You’re back!” He hardly had time to catch her as she threw herself into his arms to squeeze him in a hug. Buck lifted her off of her feet and hugged her back just as tightly, remembering the love and empathy she had shared with him when he had felt so alone and unsure of himself. 

    “Heya, Mayday,” Buck whispered, using the joking nickname he had begun using after she started at 9-1-1 dispatch. ‘Mayday, mayday, May!’ 

    After he set her down, May stepped back and opened the door to let them inside, allowing Buck to smell Bobby’s delicious cooking from within. “Come on inside, dinner is almost ready. Bobby’s making butter chicken and garlic naan.” 

    “You don’t have to tell me twice,” Buck joked, hurrying inside. Eddie followed at a more sedate pace, hugging and greeting May for himself. Buck found Bobby and Athena in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on the dishes. Both of them turned and smiled at him as he arrived. 

   “Hey Buckaroo! How are you doing, baby?” Athena asked as she scooped the last piece of naan out of her skillet. Buck headed over to the island counter, bracing his elbows and leaning on his forearms. 

    “I’m doing okay. Maddie and I made up last night. You were right, I shouldn’t have put it off. It was relatively painless after all.” 

    “Someday, you boys will learn I am always right,” Athena smirked, wagging her spatula at him. 

    “Some of us are smart enough to know that already,” Eddie chuckled as he entered the kitchen, May at his side. She immediately moved to begin setting the table, and Buck headed for the silverware drawer to help her while Eddie took his place at the island. 

    Buck was aware of Bobby’s eyes on him, but he made a concerted effort to avoid the man’s gaze for as long as possible. He knew they couldn’t put the conversation off forever, but he wanted to prolong this domesticity for as long as possible. It was only after he realized he had more silverware than May had plates that he noticed someone was missing from their group. 

    “Where’s Harry?” Buck asked, looking around as if the boy might pop up out of nowhere. 

    “He’s at his dad’s tonight,” Bobby answered, carrying the butter chicken dish to the table. Athena carried the naan and the rice, so everyone settled down around the table to eat. 

    They were only a few minutes in to savoring the delicious meal when Bobby cleared his throat, causing Buck to look up at him. “Kid, I have to say your admission at the barbecue scared me.” 

   Buck put down his fork and chewed slowly to give himself time. “Um. Which admission?” 

   “The part where you said you’ve attempted suicide before. With some of your more reckless behavior, I can’t help but be concerned that you’re passively suicidal.”  

   Buck glanced around the table, but everyone else was doing an incredible job of pretending their plates were the most interesting things in the world. Facing Bobby again, Buck was almost afraid to ask. “What does that mean?” 

    “It means you don’t have a plan and you’re not actively trying to die, but you don’t particularly care one way or the other if it happens.” 

    Sitting back in his seat, Buck considered this. Even a few years ago, hearing something like this would have resonated with him. At this point in time however, the definition no longer fit. 

    “I don’t think I’m like that anymore,” he said cautiously. “I think… I think I have a lot to live for now, and I would be sad to miss out on it.” 

    “Good,” Eddie said, apparently part of the conversation now. He squeezed Buck’s thigh under the table and smiled at him. “You do have a lot to live for. I hope you’re around to see it for a long, long time.” 

    “You know,” May cut in, mouth still half full of food. “More people at this table have been suicidal than not.” She gestured to herself, Bobby and Buck. “Maybe we should start a club.” 

    Everyone stared at her before Buck snorted so hard he nearly choked, having to pound on his chest. He recognized May’s attempt at bringing levity to the situation, and he was grateful for it. 

    “Worst club ever, May.” 

    “Generational humour scares me more the younger they get,” Bobby muttered to himself, but he was smiling. They went on to have a pleasant time the rest of the evening, 

   Everything was going to turn out alright. That evening as Eddie snored curled up against Buck’s chest in Eddie’s bed, Buck closed his eyes and imagined his sixteen year old self waking up on the bathroom floor, crushed that his suicide attempt hadn’t succeeded. He wished more than anything that he could go back in time and assure himself that he had a life waiting for him out there- a family that he could only dream of. 

    Not for the first time, Buck sent thanks to the universe for allowing him to live to see this wonderful life of his. He couldn’t wait to see what other adventures life would bring, this time with Eddie by his side. 

    ‘Thank you, Evan. I couldn’t have done this without you.’

FIN