Chapter Text
The first time it happened Sam was alone. He was so thankful for that when he realized what was going on.
At first he wasn’t quite sure what had happened. All he knew was that he’d woken up from his nightmare of the Cage alone, shaking, and sopping wet. The wet part didn’t really register with him at first. Countless times he’d woken up from a dream of Lucifer and his body would be drenched in sweat. This time, however, wasn’t quite the same, and as his body relaxed from the panicked high it was on, he quickly began to realize that.
It wasn’t his whole body that was wet. The only parts of him that were wet were from his waist to his knees. Lifting the blanket, he was able to see it in the early morning light, the wet spot all over the front of his clothes and the bed itself. As more of the fog cleared, realization set in and a new kind of horror took its place. No. He’d… he’d wet the bed? Impossible! He hadn’t done that since he was a kid! Not since that last time when he’d been sharing a bed with his Dad while Dean was sick and he’d…
Sam shuddered and shoved that memory back into the little box he kept all those kinds of memories. No, nope, he was not going to think about that. Nuh-uh.
The weight of the dog against his back pushed on him and reminded Sam that he wasn’t technically alone in his bed. The snore that came next reminded him he wasn’t alone in this room, either. He wasn’t at home with Gabriel in his own bed. Oh, God. He was at a motel. A motel with Dean. Dean, who was sleeping only a few feet away, having absolutely no idea that his brother had just wet the damn bed. Sam’s horror changed to mortification and he was up in a flash.
He got lucky that morning. He was able to get up and strip down his bed and bag up the linens and then head off to a shower before Dean even woke up. Seeing his bed stripped wouldn’t be a big deal for the older Winchester. He, too, was used to Sam waking up soaking wet from sweat after a nightmare. Having Dean look at him with worry all day the way he always did after a nightmare filled night wasn’t going to be fun. But having him find out the alternative would be so much worse. Sam would handle the worried looks from his brother, as well as from the angels later. He’d happily curl up in Gabriel’s arms when the archangel found out and let the warmth of his grace chase away the leftover chill that still sat inside of his bones the way it always did after one of these dreams. Hell, he’d call Gabriel down here just like the archangel demanded he do… just as soon as he took care of the bedding. There was no way he was going to let any of them know what happened.
This had to be some sort of fluke. That was what Sam told himself as he got cleaned up. Just a fluke. The dream had been a bad one full of things that were still taunting the inside of Sam’s eyelids every time he closed his eyes. They were dark and terrifying and made him shudder straight down to his soul. Was it any wonder he’d lost control of his body for a bit? Caught up in things the way that he had been, lost in a time where he hadn’t had a physical body to worry about, was it any wonder that he’d slipped a little? It was no big deal. It was fine. He could just clean the bedding and his clothes and no one would be any the wiser.
That thought relaxed him enough that he was able to implement his plan. He was even somewhat relaxed when he got back from taking the bedding down to the on-site laundry facility and washing them. No way was he giving those to housekeeping. He didn’t need some random housekeeper to come in and realize that one of the adult males in the room had had an accident.
If that had been the only time that it happened, Sam might’ve been able to write it off in his head and forget about it. He might’ve been able to just pretend that it never happened and move on.
But, a week later, he once again woke up alone, shaking, and wet.
Three more times it happened over the next few weeks. Sam knew that Dean was beginning to worry about him and how frequently his nightmares were happening. Because that was the excuse that Sam stuck with – even if the last time hadn’t happened because of a nightmare at all. I was exhausted, he told himself. We were up for way too long and I was exhausted. That was why. I just need to get better sleep.
Sam knew that Gabriel was worrying, too. The archangel had been extremely busy lately in Heaven and nighttime was the best time for him to go and take care of things. It left him all day free to be with Sam, and for Castiel to be with Dean. Sam knew that Gabriel finding out he was having so many nightmares was a quick way to bring the archangel back to his side whether or not Heaven needed him. That was something that Sam wanted to avoid. Not just because he didn’t want to be needy and draw Gabriel away from the important things, things he knew that Gabriel needed to do, but because he was scared of what might happen one of these nights that Gabriel was back with him.
Unfortunately, Dean took that choice right out of his hands.
After yet another night where Sam had a nightmare, where he had to clean up his bed before his brother would notice, he came out of his shower to find that not only was Dean awake and looking at him with that worried look he’d been wearing lately, Gabriel was there as well. And Gabriel looked just as worried, if not more so.
The archangel’s worry grew when he got a look at Sam. Seated on the couch, the archangel didn’t come towards him, didn’t say anything. He simply opened up his arms. How on earth could Sam resist an offer like that? He might’ve been trying to protect his Daddy lately; that didn’t mean that he didn’t desperately want comfort and assurance.
In an instant Sam was across the room and curling himself up into Gabriel’s arms. It felt like coming home.
Dean was either far too used to their cuddling or just too worried to be able to make any sort of snarky remark. In fact, as Sam settled down in Gabriel’s lap, pulled in close to his Daddy’s chest, he heard Dean rise from the other bed. “I’m gonna go grab some grub. Be back in a bit.” Then he clicked his tongue at Missy, surprising Sam completely, and the two left the room.
That left Sam and Gabriel completely alone.
No sooner had the door shut than Gabriel’s arms tightened around Sam. “Sammy.” His name was said with love and worry, as well as an edge of something else that made Sam duck his head down a little, tucking it underneath Gabriel’s chin. Their position probably looked ridiculous to an outsider. Gabriel was tucked into the corner, his smaller vessel mostly hidden underneath Sam’s larger body. The hunter was stretched out over the couch, his upper half firmly plastered to Gabriel. Like this it was easy to slip his arms around Gabriel and curl in a bit tighter. He felt Gabriel’s one arm tighten a little and his other hand started rubbing soothingly at Sam’s back. The liquid warmth of his grace slid over Sam like a soothing waterfall and washed away the chill inside. “Baby, why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you tell me these were getting so bad?”
Sam knew he couldn’t give Gabriel the full truth here. He wouldn’t lie to him, but he couldn’t tell him everything. He didn’t want to see what Gabriel might do if he found out what was really going on. With everything else between them Gabriel had been so fantastic. This, though… this was too much. This was crossing a line. “Heaven needs you.” Sam settled on saying.
He felt a huff from the body under his. The flat of Gabriel’s hand pressed briefly against his back before it resumed its stroking. “You need me. And you always come first, Sammy. Always.”
“’m sorry.”
“Hush.” Gabriel bent enough to kiss the top of Sam’s head. “I get why you did it, even if I don’t like it. And I promise you, we’ll talk about it later. Right now just let me hold on to you for a little bit.” He kissed Sam’s hair again. “I’m the one that should be saying sorry, anyways. I haven’t exactly been a good Daddy lately.”
Sam’s eyes widened and he immediately tried to protest. “No!”
“Hush.” Gabriel repeated, his voice a little firmer this time. “I haven’t been. I got too caught up in Heaven’s BS an I let you fall to the wayside. I’m sorry I let that happen, Sam, and I promise it won’t happen again. They need my help and I’ll give it to them. They’re my family and I love them. But I love you and there is nothing in Heaven or any other realm that is more important than you. They can do without me for a few nights. I’m gonna be here, where I should be.”
The absolute love in that promise warmed a few of the places in Sam that had felt so cold lately. There was still fear – fear of what would happen, of what was going on with him, of what Gabriel might see – yet for that brief moment he let himself just bask in the comfort and care of his Daddy, a being he knew loved him and would protect him no matter what.
Still…
As the day went on, the warmth of all that began to fade and the fear came back. Especially as it got closer to bedtime and he realized that Gabriel really wasn’t going to go anywhere. He settled in with them for their dinner that evening – take out from a nearby Chinese place. They watched movies and Dean and Gabriel bickered playfully while Missy hopped back and forth between them all, enjoying the mass amounts of attention she was getting. She’d really opened up to them since they’d gotten her and was showing a surprising amount of energy in some moments, while other moments she seemed content to sleep the day away. She was growing in leaps and bounds, too, and Gabriel predicted she’d be big when she finished growing. He was sure there was a good chunk of bullmastiff in her which would give her a pretty decent size. She was also, as predicted, fiercely loyal to Sam above all else. Even over Gabriel. He was her boy and she guarded him ferociously.
She sensed his growing unease as bedtime crept closer and closer. It caused her to abandon her games and curl up against Sam, who was settled into the corner of the couch. Her head rested on his lap and she offered comfort in the only way she could, with her presence.
Sam pet her head and tried to keep himself awake. Not noticing the worried looks that kept getting cast his way, he tried to focus on the movie in front of him, on the dog in his lap – on anything, really. Anything other than going to bed.
He should’ve known that Gabriel wouldn’t let him get away with it. When the movie finished and Sam was taking longer and longer blinks, fighting hard to stay awake, Gabriel pushed up from his spot beside Sam and stretched. “All right then.” Turning, he grinned at both Winchesters. “It’s time for all good hunters to find a bed, I think. You enjoy the room, Deano. I’m gonna snap Sammy and I to a much more comfortable bed. I’ll make sure to have him back in the morning.”
Dean didn’t even bother to protest like he normally might’ve, not even playfully. He just looked at the half-asleep Sam and gave a small nod. “Sounds good. Breakfast at eight?”
“No prob!” Gabriel gave him one last grin and then lifted a hand and snapped.
In an instant Sam found himself lying in his favorite pair of dinosaur pajamas in the middle of his and Gabriel’s bed. Taffy was on the pillow by his head, Missy was on the end of the bed by his feet, and Gabriel was lifting up the covers and sliding himself into bed right beside Sam. It only took a second for those familiar arms to gather Sam up and pull him in close.
Almost immediately, Sam moved, trying to pull back, pull away. He couldn’t go to sleep here! What if… what if it happened again? What if he did it again? He couldn’t do that here, in their bed, with Gabriel!
However, Gabriel was having none of it. He completely mistook Sam’s fears as something else entirely. “It’s gonna be fine, Sammy.” His Daddy murmured. With that strength of his that always set Sam at ease and made him feel so safe, Gabriel pulled Sam in close until the two of them were cuddled together and Sam was almost draped over top of Gabriel’s body. One hand came up to thread through his hair and start those soothing little strokes and tugs that never failed to put him out. “It’ll be okay, baby, I promise. I’m right here. If you have another nightmare I’ll be right here with you.”
“Daddy.” Sam whined the word out. He didn’t say anything else, didn’t know what else to say. How on earth could he explain his fear without telling Gabriel the problem?
When he said nothing else, Gabriel made a low soothing sound that was almost like a croon. “Shh, sweetheart. I got you.” Then, in a low voice he began singing the Enochian lullaby that had soothed Sam back to sleep after many a nightmare.
There was no fighting against that. Sam let it lull him down. His last thoughts before he drifted off were Please, please, don’t let it happen tonight. Please don’t let it happen tonight.
When Sam woke up from a nightmare free night, he was so sure that he’d gotten lucky. That he had managed to make it through the night without any embarrassing accidents or anything that he might have to try and explain. He had one split second of relief and gratitude before it all came crashing down on him as what had become a too-familiar wetness spread across his lap – and onto the body under his. Oh, God. Oh God. He hadn’t wet the bed while he was sleeping. He was doing it right now.
The instant that Sam realized what was going on, what had just happened, and how still the body under his hand gone, he was moving. Like a flash he launched himself up and practically flung himself from the bed. His eyes were wide as he hit the floor. Looking up, he saw that Missy was on the floor too, body tense and growling around her like she was searching for some sort of threat. Gabriel had sat up as well, arms reaching out towards him. Sam didn’t see the worry on Gabriel’s face. All he saw were those hands reaching for him and his panic grew.
“’m sorry!” He cried out in a hoarse voice. Scrabbling backwards, he tried to get away from those arms, away from what he’d just done. “’m sorry, Daddy! ‘m sorry!” The words tumbled past his lips in a torrent that he couldn’t stop.
He saw Gabriel’s eyes widen and then his Daddy was pushing up, making like he was going to climb off the bed, and Sam panicked even more. He flung himself back until he felt his body collide with the wall.
“Woah.” Gabriel said, holding his hands out. His eyes were wider than Sam could remember them being and they were fixed right on Sam. “Woah there, munchkin. It’s okay. Everything’s okay.”
Sam curled his body in tight and hated the fact that he couldn’t stop the tears that were already pouring from his eyes. “’m sorry!” He repeated, hiccupping as a sob tried to break free. Terror filled every inch of him and had his whole body shaking. Oh, God, Daddy was going to be furious with him! He was going to be so mad! “I, I didn’ mean to, I swear. ‘m sorry, Daddy! Please!”
The look on his Daddy’s face was heartbreaking. For one instant it looked like Gabriel was going to cry and that only made Sam’s sobs start to come even more.
There was no snap, but suddenly the clothes that Sam was wearing were dry and he could see that Gabriel was in clean clothes as well. Then his Daddy was pushing off the bed, pausing at the edge to pat Missy’s head. His eyes, however, never left Sam. “It’s okay, Sam.” His voice was that soft sound that he got when Sammy was scared, the one that let him know that everything was okay and that he was loved. “I’m not mad, munchkin, I promise you. I’m not mad at all. It was just an accident. You’re not in any trouble.”
No, that wasn’t possible. Of course he was in trouble. He was an adult, for crying out loud! Adults did do this! Only babies did this. Sam drew his legs in even more and couldn’t stop from whimpering. “Didn’ m-mean to.” He said through his tears. “I’ll clean it up, I p-p-promise!”
“I know you didn’t, baby. I know that.” Gabriel took a few cautious steps forward. He moved slowly, his eyes staying right on Sam. “You don’t have to worry about a thing. Daddy already got it all cleaned up.”
Daddy was being so nice and Sam knew he didn’t deserve, knew that he’d been bad. He’d wet the bed like a baby and now he was curled up and crying instead of taking his punishment like a man. Dad had always hated that. He didn’t tolerate crying and whining. You did something wrong, you took your punishment for it, and you did it without all that sniveling. Sam knew he should stop the tears and just go over there and face what had to be coming. Gabriel was tolerant with more things than Dad had ever been, and he was being sweet right now, but Sam had no doubt there’d be some kind of punishment for this. Of course there would be.
When Gabriel finally got close to him, he squatted down in front of Sam. He lifted one hand and settled it on Sam’s knee. The flinch Sam gave didn’t go unnoticed. “Oh, baby. Whatever you’re thinking, it’s not true. I’m not mad at you and you’re not in trouble. I just want to hold you, that’s all. Can I do that? Can I hold my baby boy for a minute?”
Whether those words were true or not, Sam was willing to risk the chance of being punished later to take the relief that was being offered now. Scared, sobbing, and caught between his memories of the past and his fear of the future, he did the only thing he could do. He unfolded his body and launched himself at the only person he wanted right then, the one who always made him feel safe and special and loved.
Gabriel caught him up easily and then sat down right there on the floor and gathered Sam to him like Sam was just a small child. He held him in close and rocked lightly, making soothing sounds that Sam could barely hear through his sobs. Something soft was pressed against Sam’s arms and he blinked his eyes open to find that Gabriel had brought Taffy over. Sam took the stuffed animal and squished it in against his chest as a new round of tears started to fall. He didn’t deserve this niceness, this comfort. He’d been bad! But, oh, he wanted it. He wanted it so much.
The whole time that he cried, Gabriel held him. He held him and rocked him and kept up a steady stream of soothing words. “You’re all right, Sammy.” He told him. “You’re safe. I got you, baby. You’re okay. It’s okay.” Over and over he repeated those things until Sam’s tears finally ran their course and he was reduced to those soft, aching hiccups that come when you’ve cried too hard for too long.
Only then did Gabriel smooth the hair back from his face. A soft, cool, damp washcloth was pressed against Sam’s cheeks and he didn’t fight it as Gabriel wiped his face clean. He just let his head rest against his Daddy’s shoulder. Whatever came next, Sam would be ready for. He’d been bad and he knew he deserved punishment. He just hoped it wouldn’t be a bad one.
The cloth was pressed up against his nose. “Blow.” Once Sam did, the cloth was pulled away and it disappeared somewhere. Then Gabriel’s hand was back, stroking back the loose little bits of Sam’s hair from his face. “There. Better?”
Sam bit his lip against the ‘no’ that wanted to slip out. Instead, he made himself nod and tried not to tense his body. Now that the comfort was over, it was time for whatever punishment was coming. He’d take it, too, and he wouldn’t complain.
A soft sigh sounded above him. “Sammy,” He felt Gabriel tip in, his Daddy’s cheek pressing against the top of his head, and the arms around him pulled him in just a little closer. “I don’t care how many times I have to say it to make you believe it, but you’re not in trouble. What happened was an accident. One that I get the feeling has been happening quite a bit lately. Was this why you haven’t been calling me about your nightmares?”
Shame coiled through Sam and twisted down low in his gut. He tugged Taffy in a little closer and tried to hide his face even as he gave a small nod.
“Hey now, you’ve got nothing to feel ashamed about.” Gabriel’s voice was firm, that no-nonsense tone of his that was pure Daddy, letting Sam know that he meant every single word he was saying and he wanted Sam to listen carefully. “These kinds of things happen and there’s nothing wrong with it, Sam. I’m not mad at you for it. I could never be mad at you for it.”
Sam shivered and rubbed his face against the top of Taffy’s head. Without realizing it, his hand had slipped up a little and he found his thumb against his lips. He was a little too lost in his fears to even notice as his thumb slipped into his mouth. “’m too big.”
“Says who?” Gabriel countered. “Baby, listen to him.” The hand on Sam’s hair shifted down to cup his cheek, forcing him to lift his head up so that they could look at one another. Sam resisted for a second, but he stood no chance against Gabriel’s touch. What he found when he looked up, though, wasn’t what he’d expected. Gabriel didn’t look annoyed or bothered or anything. There was no temper hiding in his eyes or written on his face. The only thing there was that love and understanding and the patience that Sam had never found anywhere else.
Smiling, Gabriel kept his hand cupped over Sam’s cheek, his thumb stroking the hunter’s cheekbone. “I love you, Sammy. You’re my partner, my special baby boy, and nothing in the world is going to change that, do you hear me? Especially not this. Wetting the bed, it’s not fun, but it’s not something that I’m ever going to get angry at you about. Now, keeping it from me.” Gabriel moved his hand enough to tap a finger against Sam’s nose, giving him a firm look that made Sam squirm a little.
Chewing a little on his thumb, Sam flushed. “Sorry. I didn’… I was scared you’d be mad.”
“I know.” Once more Gabriel cupped his cheek, his thumb going back to those soothing strokes over Sam’s skin.
Sam watched Gabriel’s face and felt confused. He didn’t understand this. When Daddy acted like this, not doing the things that Sam expected, it always left him feeling off kilter. Once, he wouldn’t have said anything. The trust between them had grown, though. It gave Sam the courage to ask the question that was burning inside him. “Why?”
He didn’t have to specify what he meant by that. Gabriel knew, just like he always seemed to know.
The archangel’s expression softened and he smiled once more. “Because I knew this was a possibility.” At Sam’s surprised look, his smile grew a little more. “Munchkin, when we started all this, it was something that you knew you wanted and needed but you weren’t all that comfortable in it. You’d never had the chance to get comfortable. But now you are. The longer we do it, the more comfortable you become and the safer you feel to just let go. You’ve been regressing a little younger and for longer periods of time. It makes sense that other things might crop up. Nighttime accidents? They’re a part of being little. It doesn’t bother me that they happen. In a weird way, it kind of makes me happy because it shows me how comfortable you are with me and how safe you feel. Your body is telling you that it feels safe enough to relax.”
“But…I can’t…” Sam swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to put what he felt into words. “I can’t be like this with, with De around. Here, it’s one thing. I can’t do it out there, Daddy.”
“I know. I’ll figure out something, Sammy, I promise. Can you trust me to do that? Can you trust me to take care of you?”
Some of the last bit of tension in Sam melted away at those words. Because there was only one answer he could give there. “Yeah.”
The hand on his face shifted away and Sam found himself once more drawn in against Gabriel’s chest. He buried his face against his Daddy’s neck and, for the first time in days, he let go of the fears that had been gripping him so tightly. Gabriel wasn’t mad at him, he wasn’t upset or angry or any of those things, and Sam wasn’t in trouble. Not only that, but he’d promised Sam that he’d find a solution to this that would help him when he was back at the motel around Dean. With all the faith and trust of a little boy who loved their Daddy so very much – a Daddy who had never, ever, let him down – Sam melted into the arms holding him and let go of his fears. He didn’t have to worry about this anymore. He didn’t have to be afraid or try and figure out how to deal with it on his own. Gabriel was here and he would take care of Sam.
Just like he always did.