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The sound of barking was what woke Sammy up from sleep that morning. He was lying in his bed in his room, curled up with Taffy right up against his chest. At first he didn't really know what it was that woke him up. It wasn't until he heard more barking that he realized what it was. A sleepy smile curved his lips. Missy was up and apparently in the mood to play. That was her playful sounding bark – Sam had become quite good at recognizing those sounds. They'd only had her for a few weeks by now but he knew her pretty well. The two were almost inseparable. It still made Gabriel laugh each time Sam called her Missy. The little boy had named her that after hearing Gabriel call her 'little missy' or 'little miss' so many times. The name Missy had just sort of stuck.
If Missy was up and barking, that had to mean that Daddy was up too, and Sam eagerly pushed himself up out of bed so that he could go find them. He loved mornings with Missy and his Daddy. They were the best thing ever. And today they were going to get a whole day to play together. There was no case at the moment – Dean wasn't feeling well and they'd gone to ground at Bobby's because Bobby was the only one who was capable of keeping Dean down when he didn't feel good. He never listened to Sam. So, on Bobby's orders, Dean was lying in bed there and Sam had been sent to go enjoy some free time with his partner.
Sam knew that Gabriel had probably made some sort of plans for them. Whether or not they'd included Sam being little, the hunter didn't know, but when Sam had started to slip down into that mindset Gabriel hadn't seemed at all bothered. He always told Sam he didn't mind whether their time together was spent with Sam little or big or somewhere in between. After stressing and worrying about a sick Dean, it'd left Sam very happy to be able to spend some time with Gabriel where he didn't have any responsibilities at all.
The little boy got himself up out of bed and quickly took care of his morning business, using the bathroom and brushing his teeth. Then, clutching Taffy in one hand and still wearing his wrinkled pajamas, he set out to find his family.
What he found when he reached the kitchen had him freezing in his tracks.
Missy was there, still barking and jumping happily around the room, but there was no happy Gabriel playing with her while making breakfast. Instead... Castiel was there.
Sam was frozen as he stared at the scene in front of him. Castiel was standing in the middle of the kitchen staring intently down at the barking dog with one of those looks of his that had always sort of made Sam want to sit up at attention. “Now, Missy, you need to be quiet.” The seraph's voice was firm. He lifted a finger and pointed it at her, looking for all the world like a parent scolding a noisy child. “I will not have you waking Samuel before he is ready to be awake, do you hear me?”
For a second Sam just stared. What on earth was going on here? Why was Castiel here? No one – no one – ever visited them here. This was private little sanctuary, somewhere that Sam was safe to just let go, and Gabriel had never brought anyone in here before. So why… why was Castiel here? Sam felt all those questions and worries building together and it made his hands shake. Something had to be wrong. Something had to be really, really wrong. Part of Sam wanted to go back to his bedroom and hide out until everything was back to normal. That was the kid in him, demanding that he hide, insisting that he wait somewhere for Daddy to come back because Daddy always made everything better.
The bigger part of Sam’s mind refused to let him hide, though. That part of him needed answers. That was the part that Sam latched on to. Gathering up his courage, he tried to shove down every little feeling he could, tried to make himself feel older though he knew that wouldn't work. It never worked. Then Sam took a step forward and towards the only one who could give him answers. “Hey, Cas.”
His voice had Castiel's head jerking up in surprise. The look on Castiel's face softened a little at the sight of Sam and his lips quirked up in that quiet and gentle smile of his. “Good morning, Sam. I apologize if the dog woke you. I was trying to quiet her but she was quite loud and insistent.”
Trying desperately to hold on to his composure, Sam made himself not flinch away from that intense look, though he couldn’t quite bring himself to meet Castiel's eyes. What was going on here? “That's, um, that's her playful bark. She likes to play with D-Gabriel while he makes breakfast.” He’d almost slipped there, though he’d quickly caught it. Sam knew that there was a good chance that Castiel knew exactly what Sam called Gabriel – considering he was here, there was a terrifying chance that he knew everything – but right now Sam wasn’t feeling safe enough or comfortable to be that open and vulnerable. However, he couldn’t hide that vulnerable side of himself completely. It showed when he drew in a shaky breath and practically blurted out “Where’s Gabriel?” There was a sick feeling building down low in Sam's stomach and he clutched just a little tighter at the puppy than he had been before. He’d forgotten entirely that he was still holding Taffy.
“I'm sorry.” Castiel apologized immediately. He rested a hand on Missy's head, and she stayed surprisingly quiet. “Something of the utmost importance came up and Gabriel had no choice but to respond. Heaven needed him. He asked me to come and watch over you until he returns. He also asked me to convey his deepest apologies and to reassure you that he will return soon.”
Gabriel had...had left? He'd gone to Heaven and left Sam here? With Castiel as a babysitter? The idea was mortifying. Sure, Sam knew that Castiel probably had a general idea of things between them. Gabriel had warned him that the seraph would most likely pick up on quite a lot. He'd also reassured Sam that Castiel would likely find it completely normal and acceptable. “Heaven runs on order, munchkin.” Gabriel had told him once. “Archangels are at the top of that food chain, right below Dad in the whole pecking order. To him it's gonna seem completely natural that we have a relationship where I'm more in control.” Gabriel had even taken to referring to Castiel as 'Uncle Cassie' more often than not and Sam found himself almost thinking of him along those lines sometimes. They'd discussed the potential to maybe bring him by once, if Sam was comfortable with it. Gabriel liked the idea of relaxing with the brother he trusted the most. But…this? They hadn’t agreed on anything like this.
Something of what Sam was feeling must've shown on his face. Castiel took a small step forward, concern lighting up his eyes. “I promise you he will return as quickly as he is able, Sam. He did not want to leave you. It was his hope that he would be able to complete his business before you even woke up.”
The honest apology and concern in Castiel's voice was enough to have Sam straightening himself back up again. This wasn't Castiel's fault. He was just doing what Gabriel had asked him to do. But reminding himself of that didn't take away the worry or the flare of hurt that Sam was feeling. Try as he might to hold on to the more adult side of himself, the kid in him was pushing forward, screaming his insecurities, and Sam knew he needed to step away before he made a fool of himself in front of Castiel.
There was only one escape that Sam could think of. Though he knew it would probably concern Castiel more, and that retreating was both childish and cowardly, Sam grasped at the only excuse he could think of. “It… it’s fine, Cas. No big deal. You can just, um, make yourself comfortable I guess. I should take Missy outside. She likes to go out in the mornings.” Then, before Castiel could say anything, Sam clicked his tongue at the puppy, who immediately broke away from Castiel to bound over to her favorite human, and the two moved together towards the back door. Sam shamelessly escaped outside and out from under those too-sharp blue eyes
As soon as he was outside and out of sight of the angel, Sam let his shoulders slump down.
Gabriel had left. He'd left Sam here and gone off to Heaven without even waking him up to tell him. He just flew away and left Castiel here.
It was an all too familiar feeling for Sam, to be left behind. He'd woken up plenty of times to find that his Dad was gone and Dean was there to watch him. Back in the early days, he'd had promises too about a quick return. They'd rarely proved true. Sam had learned to just deal with it and keep his hurt and worry locked inside.
So why did this bother him so much?
Making his way to the side of the yard where he wouldn’t be seen, Sam sank down into the grass, watching as Missy took off to find somewhere to do her business.
This wasn't the first time in Sam's life this had happened. He shouldn't be bothered by it! At least Gabriel hadn't just left him alone without any idea of where his Daddy was. He'd made sure there was someone here to watch him and who could tell him what was going on. Waking up to Castiel here was strange and unsettling, but it was nothing compared to how Sam would’ve felt if he’d woken up to an empty house. At least Gabriel had spared him that. Sam knew shouldn't be freaking out about this. He'd dealt with it plenty of times before! But...
He'd never expected his Daddy to do this. His Dad had – plenty of times. But Gabriel never had. He'd never been like Dad.
What was so important that Gabriel had to leave, anyways? Sam chewed on his bottom lip in an effort to keep it from sticking out in a pout he was way too old for. His thoughts, however, were slowly slipping downward as his inner child rebelled against this. What was so important that his Daddy had to go without even waking him up to say goodbye? He never had to go anywhere when Sammy was with him! Not when he was little! He was always there. Why’d he have to go somewhere now? Sam didn’t want him to be up in Heaven. He wanted his Daddy here, with him. Instead, Daddy was gone and Uncle Cassie was here.
As if thinking of the seraph had summoned him, Sam heard the back door open. The young hunter knew he should sit up and pull himself together a little more. He shouldn't be sitting here with his knees curled up, pouting like some child. But he couldn’t help himself. All of his insecurities were rearing their ugly heads and Sam tucked himself in tightly against the bad feeling they gave him, squishing Taffy between his curled up legs and his chest. He kept his head down as he felt Castiel come closer. He could feel as Castiel sat down beside him and he refused to look up. Sam didn’t want to talk to his Uncle. He didn’t want to talk to anyone.
To his surprise, Castiel didn't say anything. The two just sat there as Missy finished her business and started to run around the yard chasing after some bug. Sam watched her while his feelings bounced around inside of him until he felt like he was going to be sick.
They'd been sitting there for almost ten minutes when Sam couldn’t take it anymore. He didn't look over at Castiel, but he couldn’t keep the words locked behind his teeth anymore. The little boy blurted out the question that was eating him up the most without any care for his word choice. He was too upset to censor himself. “Is Daddy mad at me?”
Sam swore he could actually feel Castiel's surprise. “He is not mad at you, Sam. I promise you.” Castiel said softly. He shifted just a little closer to Sam, until the heat of him was easily felt against Sam's side. “I told you, your Daddy had something important to take care of. He’ll return to you as soon as he is able. But he is not mad at you.”
Yeah, Sam had heard that one plenty of times before. Dean had told him that over and over when their Dad would vanish for work again, even though they both knew it wasn’t always true. But Gabriel… Gabriel had never done this before.
Chewing on his bottom lip, Sam tucked his head down a bit more, trying not to look up at Castiel. He knew how much adults hated it when he got whiny about being left. It had always made Dad mad if Sam whined about it and it’d made Dean feel guilty, which usually translated to a bit of temper because Dean didn’t handle guilt well. Saying something to Bobby had put a sad or closed off look on the older hunter’s face. Sam had learned to just not whine about it. To suck it up and deal. He’d just, he hadn’t thought he’d have to do that here. Not with Gabriel.
The cold feel of Missy’s nose suddenly pressed against Sam’s arm. He looked up to find his puppy there staring at him, her tail wagging happily behind her. As soon as she had his attention, she pushed up under his arm, trying to shove her way between his chest and his drawn-up legs. Sam couldn’t help smiling at her. He drew his legs down and crossed them under him, making a perfect place for Missy to climb right up into. She did so without hesitation. Then, as if sensing his mood, she didn’t jump around like he’d expected, she simply lay down in his lap with her head on his arm and she gave him a lazy lick.
Sam lifted his free hand to pet at her head. At least he had Missy here. She hadn’t gone anywhere. Bending himself down over her a bit, Sam kept scratching at her ears, enjoying the way it made her so happy.
A hand on Sam’s arm startled him. He jerked back before he could think about it, his head snapping up. Wide eyes locked on Castiel, who hadn’t let go of his arm. The angel sat there calmly watching him. He didn’t say anything until Sam’s eyes were locked right on his. “Gabriel loves you dearly, Sam. I believe there is no one in Heaven or Earth that he cares for more than you, save maybe our Father. You are everything to him. He hated that this would cause you pain, but one of our brothers was caught in a spell that only Gabriel was strong enough to free him from. One that would’ve killed him and caused untold damage to Heaven if it had not been stopped.”
Oh. That twisting feeling in Sam’s stomach that had made him feel so sick before was now turning itself in new knots, ones he was even more familiar with – guilt. Dropping his gaze, Sam looked down at the puppy in his lap. He didn’t want Gabriel to feel so bad about leaving him. If it… if it really was life or death, if he was saving his brother and his family, there was no way that Sam could really be mad at him.
Castiel squeezed Sam’s arm gently. “Even as he went, his first concern was for you. You are his world and to cause you any pain is agony beyond compare for him. The only thing that made it bearable was the hope that my presence might ease some of your pain and fear.”
The doubts that Sam had been harboring made him feel horrible now.
The guilt grew worse. Here Gabriel was, worrying over him, worrying about Sam’s feelings, when all he was doing was going to save his family. And what had Sam done? He’d pouted like a baby and worried about his own feelings. He’d been comparing Gabriel and John when that wasn’t at all fair. He should’ve known that Gabriel would have a really good reason for leaving him. Especially since he was little. Sam hunched his shoulders and ducked his head down a little more. “’m sorry.”
“What for, little one?”
The endearment didn’t bother Sam as it might’ve any other time. He was used to pet names from Gabriel. In that moment, in that mindset, hearing them from Castiel didn’t bother him. If anything, it made it a little easier for Sam to keep going, to speak his mind. “For bein’ selfish.”
“You are one of the least selfish individuals I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.” Castiel answered in a firm voice. “Life has taught you harsh lessons, Sam. There is no shame in that for you. I understand, as does Gabriel. He wouldn’t begrudge you what you feel.”
Sam knew that. He knew that Gabriel would never get mad at him for how he felt. His Daddy was a firm believer in embracing your emotions and never being ashamed of them. That was a lesson that Sam was still learning – very slowly.
There was no way Sam could take back his earlier thoughts, no matter how guilty he felt about them. But maybe he could do something else. Maybe he could make up for it. If he were really, really good and listened and was on his best behavior, so when Daddy got back he had a good little boy waiting for him, maybe that would make up for his traitorous thoughts before. Sam could be a good boy. He could listen to his Uncle. Tilting his head, Sam slanted a look over at Castiel. There was still a part of him that was so embarrassed by all this, a part that he knew would probably get louder when he really pulled out of this mindset. For now though he vowed to try and push past that. Daddy had sent Uncle Cassie here to watch him. That meant that he had to want Sam to listen to him and behave. The least Sam could do was follow that, no matter how weird it was.
The little boy bit on his bottom lip. There was no Gabriel here to stop him, so he chewed on it for a moment before he gathered up his courage and determination. Then he made himself sit up straight. He would do it. He’d be the best little boy ever. “Thanks, Uncle Cassie.”
Castiel smiled warmly at him, his face open in a way Sam couldn’t remember seeing before. “Of course, Sam. You are quite welcome.” Drawing his hand off Sam’s arm, the angel straightened himself up as well, moving as if preparing to stand. “Why don’t we go in and have breakfast while we wait for him to return? While I don’t have much practice in cooking human meals, I believe the two of us might be able to figure out together how to make pancakes.”
The idea of making pancakes with Castiel – who probably hadn’t cooked ever – was enough to have Sam’s lips twitching. He loved cooking with Daddy. They always had a blast. Maybe this could be fun too. “Okay.”
Sam let Castiel help him up off the ground. With Missy running ahead of them, the two set off towards the house. As they got close, Sam snuck a look over at Castiel. “Can we make some for Daddy, too? Just… just in case he gets back?”
“I think he would love that.”
Suddenly much more excited by the prospect of this, the idea of being the one to help make breakfast for Daddy for once, Sam almost skipped into the house.