Chapter Text
His warmth was something I was starting to crave. I wasn't sure if it was because of him specifically or if it was just because I simply missed that kind of contact with a man since I kicked Gavin out a few months ago. Either way, Blake's presence was becoming my favorite part of the day. Ever since that first meeting of season 9 of The Voice, we've been spending more and more time together. I was shocked that after I told the producers and other coaches about my marriage ending that he was not only also divorcing from Miranda but to find out later that his situation was also due to infidelity and lies.
I always adored Blake since my first season on this show but we were never super close and didn't keep in touch since. But since coming back on set and swapping stories, we've become inseparable. Almost as if we've gone through war together. I've been so ashamed and embarrassed to share what's happened with Gavin to anyone other then my family because I can't take the pity or shame in other people's eyes. I've hid away for weeks and months in bed under the covers hiding the truth from any of my girlfriends because I can barely handle the truth myself. But for whatever reason talking with Blake is easy. And comforting. And above everything else, safe. Don't get me wrong, it didn't start out easy to share with him everything that happened, and we're still learning to trust another person after both of us being burned, but the way he lets me break on him without ever turning away or running for the door has slowly started to nurse me back to life. The way his thumb will softly wipe away a tear from my cheek; the way his strong arms completely engulf my small frame that they practically hide me from the world; the way his piercing blue eyes never leave mine when I speak as if everything I'm saying is the most important thing in the world; the way he knows exactly what to say or what not to say to help brush away my insecurities one at a time; or the way he knows how to make me laugh and smile when I need to the most. He just has a way with me that I can't quite explain.
And I hope my friendship has done the same for him. It was heartbreaking for me to see this big, strong, loving man get so defeated and beat down by that woman that most of the time I could do nothing but cry along with him and be that shoulder to lean on for him. I never in a million years thought that I would have created this unspeakable friendship and bond with this amazing man that just a year or so ago I'd never even heard of. It's insane to think about especially since at this moment his friendship, and his words, and his embraces are what's holding me together right now. I honestly don't know what I would do without him.
During filming of the blinds, we spent almost all our breaks together having lunch or just hanging out in someone's trailer. It was so second nature that after awhile I would just automatically follow him as the director would call cut for an hour break and he'd open the door for me as we sat on the couch and slowly began opening up. Adam would sometimes gives us funny looks and joke as if he wasn't invited along which was crazy because of course he was but at the same time, he also didn't understand. Adam and Pharrel were amazing friends and had helped me and and Blake individually in so many ways, but at the end of the day, sometimes it was nice to be held and soothed by someone who knew what it had felt like to be betrayed to that degree. And I think they both understood that and we're grateful that we were able to be that shoulder to cry on for each other.
It wasn't until the battle rounds that Blake and I started hanging out outside of the Voice lot. When the kids would be at school or with their dad he would sometimes come over for coffee and then we'd drive to work together. I'd sometimes giggle to myself seeing this country cowboy sitting in my modern Hollywood mansion wondering how strange my life had gotten. Our conversations about exes started getting less and less and yet our time spent together only increased exponentially. Both of us were still hurt and still dealing with trust issues but I no longer felt the need to only talk about my heartbreak. And neither did he. It's as if we both decided at the same time to let ourselves smile again and not be consumed by the mistakes of our doomed marriages.
Im not entirely sure when it was that I started seeing Blake differently. It must have been when he went to visit his mom for the weekend in between the battle rounds and the knockouts. We'd spent almost every day together, hanging out in some form, so when all of a sudden I found myself missing him I wondered if it was simply his friendship I missed or something more. I mean, i have always found him handsome. Even during season 7, his dimples, and blue eyes, and curls have always made me feel like a teenage girl. But I suddenly found myself thinking about what it would be like to hold his hand, to run my fingers through his hair, to kiss his lips. It didn't help that during that time was also when the boys were spending the week with their dad, leaving me alone in that giant house full of nothing but fake memories of a now former life. It's strange to think of another man that way. Even though my marriage is over, I still think of myself as a married woman so the idea of having a crush on another man has never crossed my mind in over twenty years.
Besides, I convinced myself that Blake is so sweet and so loving that he's just being a good friend, and that I'm just latching onto him because he's here. But still... I missed him during those days. For whatever reason, him being in Oklahoma made it so much harder. Even though I had been doing so well not thinking of Gavin, Blake being away and me being alone had brought a flood of emotions back. I started sobbing unconditionally in my pillow that Saturday night at the thought of his lies and how my babies were taken away from me even though I did nothing wrong. Even though it was 2am his time, I couldn't stop myself from dialing Blake's number praying he'd pick up. I had gotten instantly insecure as I realized I'd never called him sobbing in the middle of the night before, but before I could hang up the phone I heard a worried voice answer as if to know it must be important.
"Gwen? Everything ok?" God the second I heard his kind voice miles away, it's as if a wave of relief hit me.
"Hey I'm so sorry to call so late. God I'm sorry, I'm just so lonely right now. The kids are at Gavin's for the week and my family is out of town and you're gone and I'm just really sad and having a hard time." My words were coming through sobs that he could probably barely understand. I felt ridiculous confessing all of this to him but at the same time knew he wouldn't think I was crazy.
"Gwen don't be sorry, you can call me any time for anything. And I'm glad you did, I've been pretty lonely too. As great as it is to see my family, being back home is bringing up some old memories. So I know how your feeling." His words are slow, and precise, and oh so tender. It's amazing how quickly he calms me without hardly even trying. "I'm sorry I left when everyone else did, I know how much you hate being alone in that house. I wouldn't have gone home if I knew the boys were going to be with him this week. " And the crazy thing is, I believe him when he says that too.
"That's sweet of you. But It's not your fault Blake. I'm just not used to having an empty house that's all and it was just a bad day of packing up some of his stuff from the guest house. It was just a lot. And I wish you were here." That last thing part came out before I could even think any better. Before my insecurities got the best of me his southern drawl answered back immediately.
"I wish I was there too darlin." There's a silence on the phone. It's not awkward, although I am thinking about the fact that it was the first time he'd called me a pet name before. Sure he'd say sis or kiddo but they were no different then him calling me that during season 7. For whatever reason, this had felt different and I suddenly started allowing myself to think that maybe there was something between us. I simply held onto the phone half terrified of being rejected and half ecstatic of being loved. I know I was getting way ahead of myself but the distraction and fantasy of his love was already soothing my tears
"Are you feeling better Gwen?" I wanted to answer back "Yes, and in more ways then one" but I didn't. I still had no idea how he felt about me, or what I truly felt other then adoring his friendship.
"Yes, I'm starting too. Still not very tired though."
"Me neither. Want to watch a movie together? We can press play at the same time and stay on the line. I'll even let you pick the movie." I laughed, the first time since two days earlier sitting on his couch in LA. My heart melted as he tried to cheer me up in the cutest way, making sure I didn't feel alone. "What's your favorite movie Gwen? Something that you turn on during rainy days and you can say every line to. I want to know."
"Honestly, it's a little cheesy. But... It's The Sound of Music. I've always been obsessed with Julie Andrews and this movie since I was a little girl. I don't know why, it just makes me feel like warm inside. Like when you watch a Christmas movie during the holidays. I know it's silly. Gavin hated musicals so anytime I'd watch this he'd go to another room." I'm a little mad at myself for bringing him up. I didn't mean to get too depressing after Blake asked me a simple question. There's a pause and I'm praying I didn't ruin the mood.
"Well... I actually love musicals and old timey movies. They're my favorite. And even though I love Julie Andrews, I've never seen the sound of music. Sounds like a perfect time to watch it though right?"
"Really? Yay!" We pressed play and watched about two thirds of it together. Even though we're in two separate states, it truly did feel like we were watching it together in the same room. We laughed at the same parts, and I'd tell him when my favorite scenes were coming up and he'd listen to me gush over the costumes and sets. It was exactly what I needed that night. I eventually drifted asleep holding the phone towards the end. Waking up the next morning with my phone still in my hand, I was a little confused as I tried to remember how we ended things last night or if I even saw the last scene of the movie. It made more sense when I saw a long text message from Blake sent late last night.
"Hope this doesn't wake you Gwen but I could tell when you didn't answer that you had fallen asleep so I hung up. I really enjoyed that movie, it might be one of my new favorites too. I'm sorry you had a rough night, but I'm not sorry you called me. Talking to you is always the best part of my day and I hope I was able to make you feel better tonight. I hope you have a good nights sleep and if you need anything let me know. Sweet dreams darlin."
I sat there in bed re reading that message probably a dozen times, wearing the smile of a love sick teenager. God I want to see him. He's not coming back till tomorrow morning before knock outs start but that suddenly feels way too far away. What's wrong with me? I don't even know what it is I'm feeling, all I know is that I miss his embrace, his laugh, his voice. I miss... Him.
I decide to text him, if nothing else then to just thank him for comforting me last night. Normally we don't text or talk on the phone this much, but something seems to be changing. "Good morning. Just wanted to say thank you for last night Blake. Really, it meant a lot and you made me feel so much better. You always do. I can't wait to see you tomorrow at the studio. I hope you have a good rest of your trip back home. Text me when your back. Gx"
After about an hour or so of puttering around the empty house, trying to stay busy I get a text from Blake making butterflies appear.
"Good morning to you too. Glad I was able to help. I actually decided to cut my trip a little short and head back to LA this morning. I just landed about ten minutes ago." A smile instantly appeared on my face. I had no idea what the reason was for him coming back sooner but I wondered and secretly hoped if it had anything to do with me. I didn't even hesitate to respond back or try to hide my excitement.
"Really? Yay! I'm glad you're back! If you're not busy or too tired do you maybe want to come over later? The boys are gone all week and I could cook dinner or something. I'd love to hear about your trip." I was trying hard to act cool for whatever reason. I haven't had anything close to a crush on someone in two decades and I have no idea how to flirt or how to hide said flirting.
"I'd love to come over, thanks for the invite. I've got to do a couple things this morning but I can head over in the afternoon. Can I bring anything?"
"Just your favorite movie. It's your turn to pick what we watch."
"Deal. See you in a couple hours."
"Can't wait! Gx"
*****
Opening the door to Blake on the other side was just the medicine I needed to help me through my loneliness. I couldn't help my self but immediately go into his arms as soon as he opened his. Maybe I was reading into things but he seemed to hold on a little longer as we both swayed back and forward at my front door. He lifted me up a little as he buried his face into my neck releasing a sigh as if he needed this hug as much as I did. "It's so good to see you darlin." Hearing his voice vibrate in my hair did things to me I hadn't felt in years. The feelings I felt were almost too much that it actually scares me to go there. But I couldn't help but respond. "You too cowboy."
Finally releasing while each of us were wearing slight smiles, I lead him into the kitchen where I give him some ice tea and we go for a walk around my property. It's pretty big and he's never really seen it all except for sitting in my kitchen or living room so it's fun showing him around. Even though I was a little nervous that things would be awkward between us, it's not. Talking with him is the most natural thing I've ever done. We talked all afternoon as we walked around and sat in the backyard, then laughed in the kitchen as I listened to his funny stories while cooking dinner, and then yes even crying a little as the mood went serious afterwards on the couch as we shared some not so funny stories of the past couple years. Luckily for me i wasn't sobbing too hard and he was able to sooth my pain before it getting out of hand which I thanked him for. Finally around 10 pm we put a movie on as I sat next to him on the couch. I'm a little sleepy from the glass of wine I had so I have a feeling like I won't make it through the whole thing but I also don't want to end the night early and for him to leave so I rally through the tiredness. I can't explain it, but I just feel better when he's around. It doesn't even have to be romantic, but whatever he's doing for me is so healing in every way that I don't think I'm reading to give him up in any way.
Halfway through the movie, fatigue is really setting in as my eyes start to dose and my head begins to lean towards his shoulder before I keep catching myself. Blake must have noticed because suddenly I hear a small huff of laughter from him and I see him looking at me smiling with his tiny dimples appearing. I'm a little embarrassed because I wasn't trying to cuddle with him, at least I don't think so. I mean, I don't hate the idea. But still, I don't want to be presumptive so I sit up a little straighter and jokingly apologize while moving away slightly. But to my surprise, Blake was having none of it.
"No, don't. It's ok Gwen." Suddenly he scooted back towards me, making up the space I had just created, draping an arm around me inviting me to rest my head on his shoulder and lean into the side of his body. "There, that's much better." I could do nothing but smile into him as I closed my eyes and feel myself drifting into a light slumber.
It's strange because we've definitely been in close contact before. I've cried for hours as he's cradled me close to his chest, or I've held him as he's tried to hold back tears. He's kissed the top of head as we've greeted each other, and I've kissed the scruff on his cheek saying goodbye. But suddenly this feels different. Suddenly there's something else in the air and it's not just friendship or two dead souls with the same war wounds. I know for a fact that I'm not ready to take the next step with Blake, I can't, I'm too broken. But I do know that what I'm feeling is more then friendship and comfort.
A few hours later, long after the movie had ended, and it's long past midnight, Blake is resting his head on top on mine. I'm holding onto his right arm partly for warmth and partly for security while his right hand rests on my leg. I feel him stir a little causing me to bury my face further into him for whatever reason as if that'll prevent him from leaving.
"Gwen, it's getting kind of late. I should probably get going." Even though the house is empty, he's still talking in a whisper as if not to startle me.
"Ok." Is all I can answer.
Neither of us make a move. We both stay in each others embrace as his hand starts slightly rubbing my leg.
"You could stay if you wanted." I can't believe I just said that but at the same time I don't regret it. "I mean... I know it's late. You don't have to. I just... I just really like you being here Blake." It's a good thing he haven't moved from his head resting on mine because I don't think I would have been able to say that while looking at him.
As soon as I start getting scared of his rejection, his grip around me gets tighter as he places a small kiss on my forehead. "I like being here too." Without saying another word he repositions us oh so gently so that we are both laying longways along my deep couch. He then lifts his arm and brings my whole body to rest half on him and half on the couch as he wraps me up in his arms. Even though I was the one who asked him to stay, I'm beyond grateful he didn't take things too far by trying to take me to the bedroom and we just stayed on the couch. I'm nowhere near ready for that step or the hundreds of steps that come before that. I feel like any other guy in this situation would have initiated that but Blake knew exactly what I meant asking him to stay and also that anything physical is so above what I'm capable of comprehending right now that he doesn't even press those topics. Instead, I can just rest easy that I'm with a man who won't pressure or make a move without me being ready.
Once settled into a comfortable position, I feel my whole body finally relax as I quite literally melt into him as I rest my head on his chest and loosely grip the front of his shirt with my tiny fist. This is the first time I've been this close to Blake without either of us crying (mostly me) and it's the first time I can truly notice how warm he is, how good he smells, and how strong he feels. Sure Gavin was strong too, he worked out religiously as he got older to keep his abs perfect which I said a million times I didn't care about but he still insisted. The strength my estranged husband had is different then the strength I feel while wrapped in Blake's arms. Gavin's strength was that he was possessive, was mentally superior and always reminded me of it. But Blake's strength is in his heart. His soul. His words. His eyes. His comfort. His safety. The safety I felt lying with him was the kind of security I longed to feel since the day I met Gavin. All I ever wanted was to know I'm safe, and after twenty years, he always disappointed me. But for first time I feel as if I might have found it.
Without having to get up, Blake's long arm reaches the lamp on the table behind us and flips the switch, causing the whole room to go black as he places he arm back around my waist. "Are you comfortable Gwen?" His voice is still just a whisper and I love the vibrations of it from his chest. Before I can answer, a slight chill runs across my bare shoulders from my tank top causing me to shiver and grip onto his shirt slightly tighter. I feel Blake give a little chuckle and I'm in the mood for attention so I decide to play along and being a little adorable "Whats so funny Blake Shelton?"
"I just find it cute how you are always cold Ms Stefani." He begins to hold me tighter and rub is hands up and down my arms to try and warm me up until he finally notices the throw blanket draped over the couch as he covers my body with it "Here darlin, I got you.... Now are you comfortable?"
Snuggling up under the blanket that Blake has wrapped me up in and resting my head back atop his heart, I lean my head up slightly, place a small kiss on his cheek and say "This is the most comfortable I've ever been."
I could feel his heart racing under my head which I took as a good sign. And Instead of trying to go further with me, he simply kissed the top of my head and said good night.
"Good night Gwen."
"Night Blake."
Even though I didn't want too, I was asleep within minutes. I tried fighting it, wanting to just stay in that moment for as long as possible. But the harder I fought, the heavier my eyes got and soon I was a goner.
The next morning I woke up in exactly the same position I fell asleep in, in Blake Shelton's arms. A part of me was scared that when I woke up he'd be gone, almost as if it had been a dream. But he wasn't gone, he stayed, holding me all night long. Even though I could have easily gone back to sleep, I forced my self to stay up just like I had tried the night before. This was the first (and possibly last) morning we'd woken up together, and I wanted to remember this moment and this feeling. The more and more I thought about things and what position we are in and the line we might have crossed, the more worried and insecure I get.
Was last night super needy of me? Did he not make a move because he's not into me? Did he just stay the night so he wouldn't hurt my feelings? Oh god what do I look like this morning? How can I go put on makeup without him noticing? How crazy does my hair look? All of these crazy questions fire into my head one after another causing me to tense up on top of him. He must have felt something change with me because as soon as I move my hand from holding onto his shirt collar to trying to fix my hair, his embrace tightens as he begins rubbing my back and releasing a content sigh to indicate he's awake.
"Mornin." This is the first time I've heard his early morning voice. His first words of the day are super deep and drawly and yet gentle and I can't help but giggle at him. I like finding out new things about him. "Good morning. Did you sleep ok?"
"Like a rock. I think that's the first time I've slept all through the night in over a year." I'm relieved to hear he slept well, sometimes I forget that insomnia was something he had told me he struggled with after Miranda cheated on him. But I'm also feeling embarrassed at my appearance and I'm starting to squirm a little as I hide my face away from him. "You ok Gwen?" His voice is so gentle and patient that it almost makes me cry every time.
I sit up, with my back facing him as I try to wipe off old mascara under my eyes and brush my fingers through my hair. "Yeah I'm ok, it's just..." I sort of trail off a bit, unable to say the rest. Instead I feel two big hands on my shoulder and feel him sitting up behind me "You just what?"
I can't lie to him, even if it is stupid. He knows my insecurities regarding my looks. Has heard the stories about how obsessed Gavin made me with make up and my weight and always being presentable. I swear my vanity will be the death of me. "It's just I'm feeling a little embarrassed right now. Other then like my family, no one really sees me without makeup on or my hair done ya know. I mean I must look pretty awful right now." Blake had positioned me so that my side was sort of facing him now but I was still looking away, pretty much hiding my face with my hands. Instead of going into some huge speech about how crazy I was to think that, he simply takes my hands off of my face, holds then gently in his, looks me in the eye and tenderly says "You are more beautiful this morning then you have ever been Gwen."
My brown eyes started watering the second I saw the pure conviction in his blues. I swear if it wasn't for the fact that I always get so damn emotional, I think I would have kissed him in that moment. But instead, he wiped away my tears for the millionth time, and pulled me in for a huge as he soothes my worries away. After about another twenty minutes of cuddling and slowly waking up, both our phones start going off with emails, alarms, and any other kind of notification from agents, managers, and assistants indicating that the day is beginning and responsibilities are starting. We both groan, not wanting to move out of the position we are currently in, but we know we must.
"It's crazy. I know I'm going to see you in a couple hours on set, but I still don't want to leave."
"I know. I'm just like so used to you being here. But maybe it'll just give me something to look forward to this morning."
"I like the sound of that darlin. Brains and beauty. You're the whole package." I laugh at his corny attempt to flirt and compliment me, also loving every second of it. We finally move off the couch, stretching from the obvious stiff limbs we are going to pay for later in the day. I swear watching him put on his boots and grabbing his keys was literally painful for me. When we get to the door, I can't bring myself to open it. Instead I gently tug on the back hem of his shirt because it's the perfect height for me to grab on to, indicating to him that I need a very good hug goodbye. Taking the hint, he turns around cradles my head against his chest and For whatever reason, I start to cry.
"Oh God, I'm sorry I swear I don't know what's wrong with me." I mean really, it's not as if he's going to war. Not to mention, we haven't even kissed and here I am sobbing over a goodbye.
Blake simply smirks and sways me in his arms, allowing me get emotional. "I'll see you at work honey. Ok?"
Honey? I think I'll like that one. I wonder if he's doing that on purpose or if these terms of endearment just slide out. I wonder if I'll ever have the nerve to ask him.
"See you at work. Bye cowboy." He then kissed my head, lingering a little longer this time, and walked reluctantly to his truck and drove away after spending our first night together.