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“Lalls, I can’t do this.”
“Yes, you can.”
Emil shook his head and clung tighter, burying his face in Lalli’s shoulder.
“I don’t want to.”
Lalli sighed and stroked his boyfriend’s back, trailed kisses from forehead to ear. “Neither do I, but we have to. It’s only a month.”
Only a month apart, but they’d been together nearly every second of every day for the past year, ever since they’d set out on the second trek into the Silent World. Lalli wasn’t looking forward to the separation any more than Emil was, but he knew there was no other choice. Emil had to go to Cleanser Headquarters to request his transfer, and Lalli had to make the long journey back to Finland to tie up loose ends before the rest of the Hotakainen family relocated to Sweden. That it was necessary didn’t make it any easier, especially since Emil seemed determined to hold him forever.
If Lalli had his way, he’d stay. But his boat left in less than an hour, so he didn’t have the luxury. “Emil. Please.”
Emil heaved a shuddering breath and pulled back just enough to look into Lalli’s eyes. “All right,” he whispered.
Lalli kissed him then, before either of them could change their minds or say something that would make parting even harder. Emil’s lips tasted like salt, but Lalli didn’t mention it; he didn’t say anything about the red eyes or damp cheeks, either. Instead, he pulled away as gently as he could and rested his hand on the door. “I have to go.”
Emil nodded. “Be safe. I love you.”
“I love you too.” That was all he could get out around the lump in his throat. It stayed there, threatening to choke him, until he followed Onni and Tuuri onto the boat and crawled under one of the beds. Then he couldn’t hold it any longer, and when his cousin stooped to check on him he had to growl at her to get her to leave.
“How’s he doing?” he heard Onni ask.
“I think it’s allergies,” Tuuri replied. They made sympathetic noises and left him in peace.
When the boat pulled away from the dock, Lalli had never been so grateful for seasickness.
Letter from Emil Västerström to Lalli Hotakainen (Unsent)
Dear Lalli,
Your boat hasn’t even sailed yet and I already miss you so badly it hurts. I know I won’t be able to send this letter—you can’t read Swedish, and I can’t write in Finnish, and there’s no way I’m letting Tuuri translate something this personal. But writing helps, so I’ll write anyway, and read it to you when I see you again.
My train leaves in a few minutes, then it’s back to Mora for two days before I continue on to Headquarters. I have to finish packing and spend some time with the family, but I can only play Hair Salon so many times, you know? I’ll miss them, but with any luck my transfer will go through without a hitch and I’ll be back before they know it. Of course, then I’ll have to explain that I’m spending the summer in Dalsnes. The kids will miss me.
Gods, I miss you. The waiting would be so much easier if you were here.
Come back soon.
Love,
Emil
Letter from Lalli Hotakainen to Emil Västerström (Unsent)
Emil,
The sea lurches,
Twists me
In knots and wraps me
Over the rail.
I’m empty
Weak and wobbling
Begging
The gods for sleep
Or death.
Sailing is heaven
Compared to missing you.
-Lalli
Letter from Emil Västerström to Lalli Hotakainen (Unsent)
Dearest Lalli,
My heart feels far away. I think I packed it into your bags instead of mine. Keep it safe for me, will you?
I arrived at Cleanser Headquarters this morning. So far it’s pretty much what I expected: bureaucracy at its worst. They couldn’t find my file, and then they found it but it was incomplete, and did I have the records for what I’ve been doing these last few months…? I gave them what I could and left them to sort it out. You would think, given that I haven’t been attached to a Swedish Cleanser unit for over a year, they could just sign me over to the Norwegians and be done with it. Apparently not though, because Swedish citizenship and military regulations and blah blah blah, I stopped listening and you would have too.
No, that’s not true. You would have pretended to listen, then gone off to do what you liked and to hell with them. Maybe I should just skip town and see if Sigrun can adopt me. The Norwegian border can’t be that strict, can it?
Still, getting angry at the paper-pushers won’t bring you back to me any sooner. I’ve taken to marking off the days. Twenty-seven is far too many.
I miss you terribly. I’ve thought about writing to Tuuri and asking her to give you my love, but it wouldn’t be the same. I’ll wait.
I hate waiting.
Yours, always,
Emil
Letter from Lalli Hotakainen to Emil Västerström (Unsent)
Emil (mine),
Home
Doesn’t feel like home anymore.
I’ve been gone
Grown
Shaped
Stretched thin.
This narrow bed
Cramps
Crushes
Closes in
Too small
Without you in it.
Nothing here fits.
-Lalli (yours).
Letter from Emil Västerström to Lalli Hotakainen (Unsent)
Lalli, my love,
It kills me that I am here and you are not, but I wouldn’t wish this hellhole on you. For somewhere that’s merely a short train ride from the capital of Scandinavia, this place is appallingly disorganized. I know, you’ve seen how tidy I keep my space (not very) so you’d say I have no room to talk, but trust me, this is a thousand times worse.
They’ve lost my military files THREE TIMES. The third time, when they found them, I “borrowed” them for an hour so I could bribe one of the skalds into having copies made. Being one of the Heroes of the Silent World has its advantages, sometimes.
Speaking of the expedition, I’m starting to wonder if that might not be part of the problem. You know the Swedish government was all too pleased to take credit for me after the fact, slapping my face on those recruitment posters and conveniently forgetting to mention how strongly they’d opposed the idea when Torbjörn and the others first proposed it. They like having me around to show off, the golden child of the Cleanser program. Maybe they’re worried I’ll like Norway better.
Whatever the reason, I’ve submitted my transfer request AGAIN, and this time I kept copies of all the files in case some “accident” befalls them. My only consolation is that this delay gives me something to do while I wait for you. Twenty-four days.
Lovingly yours,
Emil
Letter from Lalli Hotakainen to Emil Västerström (Unsent)
Emil, (my Emil),
The forest is quiet
I am silent within
Without
You.
Your voice,
Loud in my head,
Calls
Come away.
Keuruu
Cannot keep me.
-Lalli (your Lalli)
Letter from Emil Västerström to Lalli Hotakainen (Unsent)
Lalli, beloved,
Success! My transfer went through. I suspect divine intervention (have you been asking your gods to help me? If so, thank them) or possibly Norwegian trickery. I had a letter from Sigrun a few days ago, and she mentioned that “Uncle Trond” was very interested in my career. If that isn’t code for “blackmail”, I don’t know what is. Anyway, I’d barely finished reading it when I got news of my approval. Now I just have to head back to Mora (there isn’t a train for another two days, isn’t that ridiculous? This place, I swear) and wait for you.
I hope things are going better in Keuruu than they are here. I can’t imagine you’re enjoying helping Onni and Tuuri pack up, but maybe you have some time to go out in the woods and be by yourself. Sigrun assures me that Dalsnes has plenty of trees too, but I know you’ll still miss your home. We’ll visit, I promise.
Only twenty days now. Not soon enough.
Yours, longingly,
Emil
Letter from Lalli Hotakainen to Emil Västerström (Unsent)
Emil (missed),
Even dreams
Aren’t free.
You haunt my thoughts
Awake,
Asleep,
Always.
-Lalli (missing)
Letter from Emil Västerström to Lalli Hotakainen (Unsent)
Lalls,
Jotting a quick note because plans are changing and I don’t have much time. Not that I’m sending this, but.
They want me to go to Dalsnes NOW? To get there early, so I can meet the rest of the unit and settle in, they say. I don’t mind not going up to Östersund to see my parents, but the cousins will be disappointed. And...I was planning to wait for you. So we could travel together. The journey from Mora to Dalsnes isn’t exactly easy, and I’d hoped to be with you for at least the sea travel. I know how you hate boats.
They’re calling for me. I have to go. Only two weeks, unless this throws a wrench in my counting.
Love,
Emil
Letter from Lalli Hotakainen to Emil Västerström (Unsent)
Emil,
Empty house
Full bags
Allergies everywhere
But not for me.
(You should never worry about me)
(but you do.)
We’re coming home early,
I’m going to kiss you until I die.
-Lalli
Letter from Emil Västerström to Lalli Hotakainen (Unsent)
My Dear Lalli,
I had a dream about you last night. I won’t share the details in case someone intercepts this letter (yes, it was that kind of dream) but it made me miss you worse than ever. I woke up with the memory of your lips on mine, and nearly cried when I remembered you aren’t here.
They want to put me on the train to Øresund tomorrow night.
I don’t want to go without you.
Yours, heartbroken,
Emil
Letter from Lalli Hotakainen to Emil Västerström (Unsent)
Emil,
Miserable boat
Makes everything awful
Except
It’s bringing me to you
So it must not be all bad.
Soon.
-Lalli
Emil waited to board the train, trying not to look as miserable as he felt. He should be happy, or at least excited to start his new life in Dalsnes. Sigrun was there already, and from the sound of things she’d been telling the locals all kinds of stories about her new recruits. They’d be welcomed with open arms. After the miserable reception he’d had at the Cleanser Headquarters, the prospect of Norwegian hospitality should have improved his mood.
Instead, all he could think about was Lalli. We should be doing this together. This is supposed to be the start of our new life. And...I miss him.
They called for passengers. Emil boarded, trying not to think about the first time he’d taken the train from Mora to the Øresund base. Trying, and failing, not to think about who had been on that journey with him. This train was a newer model, supposedly offering a “safer, smoother ride”. Emil doubted it was any such thing, but it did boast a luxury the former Dalahästen hadn’t: smaller, more private sleeping cars. Emil had managed to get one with only two bunks, and it looked like there were no other passengers assigned to it. He stowed his bags and was just getting ready to wrestle with the bed-belts when someone tapped on the door.
“Mr. Västerström?” It was a member of the crew, apology written all over her face. “Sorry, we do have to put someone in here with you after all. This guy just showed up in a rush, said he had to catch tonight’s train.”
Emil shrugged. Not like it made a big difference to him; he’d be asleep for most of the journey anyway. “Fine, fine, I just hope he doesn’t snore.”
The railway worker retreated, and Emil turned to greet the newcomer—
And froze, caught in ice-blue eyes and a slow smile spreading across thin lips.
“You know I don’t snore,” Lalli said. That was all he bothered to say before flinging himself at Emil. And Emil, once he got over his shock, dove for Lalli with just as much desperation. They collided in a confusion of limbs, managing to avoid knocking noses or bashing foreheads, but it was a close thing. And then it all came together and they were kissing, so intense that Emil thought he might die of happiness right then and there. They broke apart just long enough for Emil to murmur an inquiry—”how…?” before deciding he didn’t care and kissing him again. The “how” and the “why” didn’t matter anyway. All that mattered was that one of Lalli’s hands was in Emil’s hair and the other on his waist, and Emil clutched Lalli just as tightly because Lalli was here, right here in the circle of his arms. Lalli was with Emil, where he belonged, instead of in far-off Keuruu where he didn’t.
They might have stayed that way forever, locked in an overdue embrace, if the train hadn’t lurched into motion. Emil almost fell into the bunk, but Lalli steadied him. “We should...strap ourselves down,” Emil said, making no move to untangle himself from Lalli.
Lalli rolled his eyes. “No.” He pushed Emil onto the bottom bunk—gently, so he wouldn’t slam against the wall—and followed him, squeezed in alongside. He wriggled around until he and Emil were pressed together, face to face and so close their noses nearly touched. Lalli closed the gap between their foreheads and heaved a sigh. “I had to be without you for almost a month,” he said, “I’m not letting go of you ever again.”
Emil couldn’t find any reason to argue with that.
Later, as the train rumbled along and the two of them lay cocooned in the dark, Lalli remembered there was something he needed to say. “I wrote to you,” he murmured against Emil’s neck.
“Did you?” Emil sounded pleased, and more than a little surprised.
“Just little things,” Lalli said. “I didn’t send them. You can’t read Finnish.”
“No, I can’t,” Emil agreed. He nuzzled Lalli’s hair, then added, “I wrote to you, too.”
“Oh.” Lalli felt a warm flutter in his chest that was only partly due to Emil’s closeness. “Will you read it to me? Later?”
“Of course. And...I hope you’ll read me yours, too,” Emil said.
Lalli brushed a strand of hair out of Emil’s face and kissed his forehead. “I will. We’ll have time in Dalsnes, right?”
“Oh, yes. We’ll have all the time in the world.”