Chapter Text
Too long.
It had been too long since he’d seen the man who had unintentionally become ingrained in every part of his life. He didn’t even remember letting it happen, the warmth of Sam’s companionship had slipped around him so easily it went undetected until it was gone.
Leaving him in the cold.
It seeped into his bones as he walked through the rain, letting his feet carry him, lost to the sound of fat wet droplets hammering his umbrella. Keeping his head down, avoiding the gazes of the last few stranglers left meandered at this hour, remaining nameless, faceless, as he wandered the dark city streets.
Until he found himself coming to a halt, looking at the red glow that reflected off the wet sidewalk he knew what he’d find when he lifted his head to gaze up at the glaring billboard in front of him.
Captain America’s new team was going to debut in a few days, it read, but independently Sam was pictured, front and center, his smile shining as bright as ever endearing gap and all, just not the one that crinkled the corners of Sam’s eyes when he shared some back handed comment, it was the one that was perfect, for the public, not the smile reserved for the important people in Sam’s life, the one he gotten in private he thought possessively. The sunlight glimmered off Sam’s wings, framing him as he soared up through the freeze frame, wearing the red white and blue suit that hugged him perfectly as always leaving the bicep of Sam’s raised arm bulging in a way that he regretted not letting himself fully appreciate, the suit he’d wanted to give Sam, to protect him.
He vaguely remembered the billboard going up recently, seeing it in passing but as he stood admiringly it now, transfixed, he was unsure of what had led him here tonight.
It had been too long since he’d seen his best friend but here, looking up at him, it almost felt like he could be flying overhead again.
Subconsciously he knew he had gotten lost, trying to replace missing that warmth, throwing himself into assignments, working to find a way to right the mess they were caught in, avoiding the way his mind wandered when he was stagnant. Spending time with new people, growing to care about some of them and appreciating how they cared about him too. They showed it when they covered each other's backs and when everyone tried to work well together, things were going smoother as the months passed but he was still cold.
His mind wandered now as his feet stood planted to the ground, gazing at an image that felt almost otherworldly, like an angel, out of his reach, not something he could have in reality.
He stood here because it felt like trying to use a threadbare sheet compared to your grandmother's quilt. You could bury yourself under as many of them as you wanted but you’d always be missing what made it special and it wasn’t anyone’s fault but his own.
He stayed to help the people that hadn’t ever been given a hand up before, the people who did their best to make him feel like part of the team. He was grateful but there was no way for them to understand, it would never compare to what he’d lost on account of his own blindness.
He knew now he’d taken it for granted, the rich syrupy feeling of being drenched in someone else’s love without ever even having to ask, the realization glaringly obvious once lost.
With the serum he ran warm, he really didn’t freeze easily but the frigid air of November in New York was cutting straight through him. Reminding him of all the times he’d been cold before but more of how he longed to be suffocated by the thick sticky heat that hung in the air of Delacroix.
How he longed to hear the clear jingle of children’s giggles ringing through the air again, the ambient sounds of people truly relaxed, safe, at peace, to breath in the scent of recipes born of generations of time and care again, to be in the town that had only ever welcomed him with acceptance, engulfed by the home seeping with love out of every corner.
He understood what he was truly longing for, he just didn’t understand why it had taken him this long to see what had been right in front of him the whole time, and now he didn’t understand how to fix it, if, he could fix it. He didn’t understand how he hadn’t seen it, felt it, sooner. Why he didn’t appreciate what he had before he lost it, why he had waited until it was too late to recognize his own feelings.
Nor did he feel the right to ask for forgiveness, how he could deserve it after ignoring the love he’d been gifted. Afraid that someone with a heart that big would give it even if he didn’t.
He didn’t know how he could go on living without it either, without the angel who had become more important to him than anyone else in his life. Without the one person who'd always looked at him and seen only him, not a soldier, a weapon, a senator or even a teammate, just himself.
The person who had helped him heal without even trying, simply by offering his warmth, his home, his love, that had been left unrecognized and unrequited.
Could he ever atone for that blatant disregard, running away from that to chase another corrupt official before even recognizing or appreciating everything that was in his grasp, getting himself caught in the mess that pushed them apart.
Unable to look to Sam’s face any longer he tore his gaze away to watch the amber glow of the sign dance across the sidewalk as droplets of water pummeled the concrete mixing with the ones that fell under his umbrella. A sickly pang of guilt bubbling inside him now, he glared at the tears dripping at his feet, he had no right to lament to the image of a man he’d never even admitted his feelings to, to look to the likeness of the person he had ignored right in front of him to plead for absolution he didn’t deserve.
Droplets of water continued to land in dark puddles but he choked back his sobs, not allowing himself to break at the feet of the person who’d offered him everything, unwilling to ask more of a martyr that gave and gave for his people when all he could apparently do was take.
He’d never stood a chance, he knew that now, looking back who wouldn’t be enamored with a man like that, letting you into their world. If only he’d paid more attention, listened to his heart instead of ignoring it, instead of pushing away all want or kindness, now for the last time, now that he was alone, with only himself to blame for shattering it.
No one else could have been as ignorant as him to that warmth, it only reminded him that Sam deserved better, someone who appreciated everything he offered, and he hadn’t.
He'd never even given himself a chance, never staying clear, he couldn’t trust his own head, to give Sam the attention he deserved, because Sam deserved everything he offered ten fold. He could try until the day he died but he knew he would never be able to come close to offering Sam what he deserved, someone like that didn’t deserve to live their life in between the haze of his else's struggles.
So he stayed, he would stay in New York, away from the sunlight he could never bring himself to cloud.