Chapter Text
It had been a good show- a great show at that.
The audience they were performing for were so receptive as they jumped around on stage insulting each other, the suggestions they took pushing their limits in the best way.
Sam had once again managed to insert himself as an animal at every chance he could get.
AJ had once again used his confusion to his benefit as he stood blank-faced at the scenes before him.
Tom had once again brought his English degrees out into the world, his words molding together like poetry to the applause of the audience.
And Luke?
Luke wasn't there.
The fourth member of their comedy group, living in Spain and stuck working his 9-5 that brought their group an extra boost to their income but consequently kept the other man away. It was hard to work with only three people in a four-man group but Sam, AJ and Tom had learnt how to manage.
But Tom missed him.
Yes, Sam and Luke may have become friends on their first day of university and yes, Luke and AJ may have a solid friendship but, Luke and Tom?
Their friendship was the most valuable thing in the taller man's life. The jokes and jabs they made at each other paired with the chemistry they shared both on and off-stage always brought joy into Tom's being and he missed being able to perform with the shorter man. To make him laugh so hard he couldn't breathe, to support him in the scenes they played, to - almost - throw himself into the role of his other half in the hopes that they played the rare but loveable pair of love interests; because he couldn't just miss Luke as a friend, he had to miss him as a man scorned by the tropes of unrequited and unimaginable love.
That's what Tom was thinking about. Fingers absentmindedly tracing shapes and patterns into the condensation of his glass, a muted smile and half effort laughter towards the story Sam was theatrically telling as his mind sifted through reels of moments when him and Luke had a rare chance of playing a couple.
“Tom?”
It was a blink. A moment to bring himself fully back into reality to see Sam and AJ looking at him and he plastered on a brightened smile.
“What's up?”
“I'm going to the bar. Was just asking if you and Sam wanted another drink?”
Half-full and somehow still cold, Tom tightened his fingers around the glass slightly and nodded.
“Yeah, go on then.”
“Cool so, a Stella for Sam and… hang on, it'll come to me.”
The other two chuckled as AJ squinted at his glass, as if trying to read into the ingredients of his drink and piece it all together.
“A Gin and Tonic please, mate.”
“G and T,” his eyes had closed, one hand clicking his finger and pointing at the glass Tom still had his hand around, “I fucking knew it. Right, Gin and Tonic and a Stella. Back in a minute.”
With that, AJ stood and blended in with the crowd around them leaving just Tom and Sam.
“He'd lose his bloody head if it wasn’t attached to his neck.”
“Tell me about it.”
“You alright, mate? You seem a bit more… well, a bit less like Tom than usual.”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
“I'm just saying you're being a bit quiet, a little more spacey. Show not up to snuff?”
“No, no. The show was good- it was great. The audience were really giving us a run for our money.”
“But?”
It was weird, because Sam looked as if he already knew the answer before he even asked the question. Like he needed to hear Tom say it just to know he was right; so he chugged the rest of his drink as Luke's name sat on the tip of his tongue and set the glass down with a sigh and a slight wince at the abundance of gin.
“Can't help but think Luke would've enjoyed that longform.”
“Miss him?”
“Yeah… little more than usual for some reason.”
As if he were there himself, Tom felt his phone buzz in his pocket just as AJ arrived back with their drinks, a new message highlighted on top of his lockscreen.
Short-arse
20:32 managed to watch the show
20:32 had me fucking CRYING
20:32 who knew you were actually funny???
Me
I'll have you know, I'm extremely funny 20:33
thank you very much 🖕 20:33
Short-arse
20:33 😂😂😂
20:34 lot of Luke mentions tonight
20:34 people might suspect you guys miss me
20:34 or were you just getting tired of being on
being on the arse end of height jokes for
once?
Me
It's completely ridiculous 20:35
and the NOSE jokes??? 20:35
I know my nose is big but, fucking hell 20:35
Short-arse
20:36 I'll make sure to slap Sam for you 🫡
He wasn't sure if he was still on a high from the show or if it was just the fact that he was talking with Luke once again but, Tom could feel the smile overtaking his face, a snuff of air leaving his nose just as a foot kicks his own; he sees AJ and Sam looking at him.
“What you smiling about?”
“Luke said he's gonna slap you.”
“What? Why?”
Turning his screen towards Sam, Tom watched as he read through the messages. AJ chuckled beside him as Sam gawked and laughed disbelievingly.
“Prick. I'm gonna make sure to up the short jokes next time.”
For just a moment, Tom forgot about how much he was missing Luke as him and the others laughed and drank and talked about the show they'd done that night.
For just a moment, Tom forgot that they were one member short as their drinks were finished, coats were collected and goodbyes were said.
For just a moment, Tom forgot what it was like to love Luke as much as he missed him, his breaths visible in the cold air as a warmth he desired was all the way in Spain.
It had been a great show to watch, a blanket draped over his knees and drink in hand as he watched the livestream of his three best friends on his TV receiving the laughs and jokes and all the love and support they deserved.
But it was sad.
Sad because he couldn't be there with them.
Sad that because of a job he took, because of a move he made, that he couldn't be there with them.
So all he could do was watch from afar - far, far, so far - with a drink and a blanket and a looming sense of wrong. Wrong that he wasn't there, wrong that he was here, wrong that he had no-one to blame but himself.
Tree-man
20:36 Sam said he's gonna up the short jokes
Me
I might actually applaud him 20:36
if he came up with something new of course 20:36
think he's had the same jokes since Uni 20:37
Tree-man
20:37 I'm gonna save you the mental warfare
20:37 I'm NOT going to tell Sam you said that
20:38 otherwise I'm giving you NO sympathy
20:38 no sympathy at all
20:38 none
20:39 nada
Me
wow 20:39
thanks for the support 20:40
and to think I called you my friend 20:40
Tree-man
20:40 I AM your friend
20:41 which is why I get to say that
He smiled at the messages, at the easy banter and swift quips they could still throw back and forth at each other, even over text; but his smile had already faded.
There was a loneliness that wrapped around Luke like a snake with its prey. Cold. Emotionless. Easy to hide through technological speech. Easy to burrow into as he sat in darkness, the freezeframe of the ended show casting the barest of light. It felt fitting to him. Darkness. Loneliness. An isolation of his own making that had come alive to beat him down further into a spiral he'd been caught up in.
When he first moved, he loved the heat of the Spanish weather. Picturesque beaches, warm sand, a tan that actually gave him colour.
Now it was an enemy. Like a person you disliked but had to see regularly. He'd hide behind long sleeves in sweltering heat, sweat dripping from any place it could.
“Are you not hot?” People would ask.
“I've acclimatised. It's actually cooler than you think.” He would answer.
Lies. A slip of the tongue. A mask to cover up what people couldn't see - what they weren’t allowed to see - as his skin throbbed and the sweat dripping down his arm made him rush into a bathroom to check the bandages. Check they were covered, check they were clean, check they weren't still bleeding.
So, loneliness.
It wrapped around him like a snake with its prey; and he'd given up fighting off its suffocation a long time ago.
A month.
A month of Luke being back in the U.K for the Edinburgh Fringe, with all four of them being together as a group once again to perform. From a couple smaller venues to a few nights in a venue that was built to fit 450 people. It was going to be big and long and exhausting and absolutely amazing.
Checking his phone once again, Tom looked through his notifications and saw no new updates, his head lifting to look over the crowd of people as if it would make any difference from a few minutes ago. Him, Sam and AJ were at the airport, their luggage for the month-long trip sitting in a car with space for one more. They were surprising Luke, each man checking arrival boards and flight trackers to make sure they had the right gate and right time.
A flash of blonde hair.
A jet-lagged expression.
A familiar face in a crowd of strangers.
“There he is, I see him!”
On a silent countdown, the three men shouted his name. AJ held up a sign, Sam was recording and Tom could feel his arms flailing like a madman, the smile on his face widening even more when he saw Luke look and see them; it was beautiful. Even though he didn't have anything in his hands, Tom was the last to receive a hug as Sam and AJ pushed towards him. Each man wrapped the shorter in a huge hug with soft spoken words.
Finally though, it was Tom's turn. Only a single step of his long legs and he was wrapping Luke up in a hug that spread warmth through his veins and a tingling to his fingertips. The body weight of the other man was like a missing piece, the hair on his head emitting a soft scent of wood and petrichor and just pure Luke. He didn't want to pull away, didn't want to leave the embrace. But the three of them had had a long drive, exhaustion clear in all four of their features as they still had another hour to travel.
“What are you guys doing here? I thought we were gonna meet at the hotel?”
They were walking now, Luke's suitcase wheels bumping across the gravel obnoxiously as they led him to the car.
“Picking you up obviously. Christ knows how much a taxi would've cost you and besides, it was on the way.”
“Still, you didn't have to.”
“Of course we did! You're the lovely little Luke Manni-”
“I've been here 10 minu-”
“Talking about little, you're behind Tom.”
“I've been stuck in a cramped seat for like 3 hours and you're making me sit behind Tom?”
“Hey!”
“It's only a short drive away, I'm sure you'll have plenty of room with those little legs of yours.”
“You're two inches taller than me, you sit behind Tom.”
“Can't.”
“Why not?”
“Fat.”
Even though he had been complaining, Luke had enough room in the backseat behind Tom, his voice grumbling with admittance after being asked if he was comfortable. The drive to their hotel was spent bickering with a quick game of rock paper scissors between Luke and AJ to see who would be staying with Sam and who would be staying with Tom; AJ beat Luke 2-0 on sharing with Sam, the shortest of the group poking his head through the middle of the seats to look at Tom with a wide grin.
“Looks like you're with me, roomie.”
Yeah, it was going to be an amazing month.
###
“Oh, come on.”
“I'm not that bad to share with, am I?”
They'd just checked into the hotel. A flurry of bags and suitcases and technical equipment trailing behind all four of them throughout the lobby, then lift, then down carpeted corridors to their rooms, each pair separated after checking their keycards with Sam and AJ waving a ‘see you later’ as Tom and Luke continued up to the next floor.
It was a spacious room. Large TV, a balcony with two chairs and a small table. The ensuite was huge with a sliding door and translucent, textured windows with two bathrobes neatly hung up on the backside of the door and plenty of towels on the rack. Luke had dove into the array of snacks laid out for them even with the knowledge of extra charge when he'd heard Tom's exclamation and finally turned around; there was only a large queen sized bed in the middle of the room and nothing else.
“No. No, you're fine it's just that I remember specifically choosing two rooms with twin beds! Hang on, let me text Sam and AJ, see if they're in the same predicament.”
Me
Do you and AJ also have one bed? 14:00
Twat
14:01 no?
14:01 why?
Me
20250824_135911_Gallery.jpg 14:01
Twat
14:02 hahahahahaha
“Well, Sam's laughing at our room and he and AJ have their twin beds.”
“We can always go to reception if it's that big of a deal? As long as you don't kick me in the night or something then, I'm fine sharing if you are.”
A month sharing a bed with the guy he loved with a bathroom where he'd be semi-visible when taking a shower? Yeah, Tom was fine with that. Completely okay. Fine. Happy with this predicament that would make him lose his mind in just hours.
“Yeah. I'm fine with it. As long as you don't snore in my ear.”
“There's always the floor.”
“I have a bad enough back as it is, I'm not sleeping on a wooden floor for a month.”
Sunshine filled the room as Luke chuckled, eyes crinkling shut behind his glasses before turning to his suitcase, the sound of it unzipping barely there as he ruffles around, hands clasping some fresh clothes.
“In that case roomie, I'm grabbing a shower. We have a show tonight, right? 7pm?”
“Yeah.”
“Right. I'm sure Sam will want to grab food somewhere, have a look around near the venue. I'll be quick.”
With that, Luke slid the bathroom door closed behind him. The sound of the shower running turned Tom around to the window, a statue in his body movements as he watched the slightly warped version of Luke undress through the glass; jumper, shirt, trousers, boxe- he turned away red faced.
###
He was happy.
He was.
But even being surrounded by his friends, sharing a room and a bed with Tom, being back in the UK to do what he loves, the weight of the snake forever curling around him tightened ever so slightly, its’ fangs pressing dangerously into his neck with a chant of ‘do it, do it, do it, this is all you deserve.’ as he picked out the pair of trousers that held his hidden blade and took them into the bathroom with him, another small pouch disguised as a toiletry bag holding a mini first-aid kit along with extra antiseptic wipes, plasters and bandages.
Sharing a room was already risky enough. Sharing a bed was even riskier. It could be hot and Tom would ask why he was wearing a hoodie. The hoodie sleeve could roll up during the night and reveal the bandages. Hell, he was a cuddler when asleep so Tom could feel the bandages through the sleeve; still, he brought the blade and succumbed to the slicing clarity of overwhelming feelings as he showered.
He must have been sat on the floor dizzy a little longer than anticipated because suddenly there was some knocking on the door, Tom's voice slightly muffled and quiet.
“You fall asleep in there or something? Sam's asking when we'll be ready. He wants to meet up in like half an hour and I'm a bit too sweaty for comfort.”
“No no! I'm fine. Sorry, I'll be out in a second.”
Panic rose across his skin blocking out whatever response Tom had given as his arm still stained the water red, his heart speeding up even more seeing only white towels available, the idea of using toilet paper raising red flags in his mind as he continued to sit on the floor.
In a move he knew was risky, that he knew could cause infection, where he knew it would be weighing down as an anxious cloud on his mind, Luke grabbed a roll of bandage and wrapped it tightly around his arm. The cuts were still bleeding, his skin still wet and he ended up having to use another bandage just to cover the red staining through as he toweled himself down and got dressed in lightning speed, a flush to his skin as he rushed past Tom to sit on the bed and gather his breath lest he stumble to the floor from his dizziness.
“Hey. Woah woah woah. You alright? Looking a bit pale there, bud.”
“Fine.”
Was it too quick? Breath too rushed? Panic too evident in his voice?
Had he bled through the second bandage? Were there blood spots on his sleeve?
Had Tom noticed?
“You sure?”
“Yeah. Yeah, fine. Fine.”
Tom was looking, staring, questioning, trying to pick apart what Luke was trying to hide and he needed him to stop.
“Tom, get your shower. I'm fine. I think it's just a mix of jetlag and maybe having the water too hot. I haven't eaten properly yet either, so hurry up and we can meet the other two. Yeah?”
In that moment there was a knock on their door, the sound of Sam and AJ bickering over something on the other side with another set of louder knocking that kicked Tom into gear, his analytical gaze still stuck on Luke before he finally disappeared behind the bathroom door and the shower started running again.
“This door better open to two dressed men ready to leave!”
He can hide it.
He can manage it.
He can keep them in the dark.
“Alright, alright! I'm coming!”
“Where's Tom?”
“Just got in the shower.”
“Really Tom??”
He has to.