Chapter Text
They were trying to be secretive about it; how they were treating him like glass.
Tom was the best at treating him the most normal. He would text him, call him, kiss him. It was like nothing had changed since both the day he found out and the day they got together and Luke wasn't sure the man knew how much he sincerely appreciated that.
It was Sam and AJ who were becoming a bit of a problem. The way they looked at him, like he was one small gust of wind away from running, hiding and tearing into himself.
At first Luke actually liked the caring attention, he actually liked that the people he loved and trusted the most could help him when he didn't want to help himself; but now he wanted nothing more than to shove their knowledge of his problems in a cupboard until they forgot about it completely.
He felt like shouting at them sometimes, shouting for them to leave him alone because he's fine, he has it handled, he doesn't need to be babied. But then the thoughts turn him to his comfort and suddenly Tom is receiving a panicked call 950 miles away where he can do nothing but sit on the other side of a screen and comfort Luke the best he can
~
“How could I be so awful to them? They're my best friends and they care so much and I love that they care but I can't handle how they look at me, like a sick puppy that needs coddling and shushing.”
“We can try talking to them again darling but, I understand how hard it is to see you fall apart. I know you don't mean what you think. I'm right here.”
“I need you here though. Here. With me.”
“Soon darling, soon.”
~
Luke would let himself wallow in his and Tom's relationship as well. Would let himself slice and bleed out his feelings of dependency. Would tell himself he didn't always need Tom to help him - he'd been ‘helping’ himself for years - and that one day one of the only good things in his life would close the door and leave, never to open it again; the phone would be ringing and Tom's comforting voice would reassure him anyway.
Considering the negatives and the setbacks and the holes he found harder and harder to climb out of, things were getting better.
Their popularity was gaining traction, the four of them selling out quicker and performing shows in bigger venues.
It was all the four of them had dreamed about when they were doing shows for free, a bucket outside the venue with their hope of money being chucked in displayed silently in the smiles and ‘thank you's’ they gave to the audience and now they were living their dreams.
###
“Jingle boys is all sold out.”
“Holy shit.”
“But we only put the tickets out like a week ago??”
Tom smiles as he nods his head in both confirmation and as a way to show the similar elation the other two felt before pulling his phone out to text Luke.
Me
Jingle boys sold out x 15:39
Little Darling
15:39 holy shit ?? x
Me
That's what AJ said x 15:40
Little Darling
15:40 great minds think alike x
“That Luke?”
Tom just nods again, his heart skipping a beat slightly at the idea that they know.
“How is he?”
He looks up from the screen, a look of apprehension on Sams’ face just barely hiding the screen of guilt in his eyes.
“Have you… not talked to him?”
“More like- like he hasn't talked to me?”
His head tilts slightly and he can see how AJ closes his eyes, an expression as if saying to Tom that he was missing something.
“Sam.”
“I didn't mean to, okay? He just- he just worries me you know, with him being in Spain alone and all. It wasn't a good idea but he'd been quiet on me and I was a bit stressed - which isn't an excuse, I know - and he'd been telling me he wasn't feeling well and I just broke and now… now he's just fully blanking me. No texts, no calls, he isn't even opening my messages.”
“Sam!’
“I panicked, okay?? I've never been in a situation like this before where one of my best friends is cutting himself!”
“For fu- you should've told me! I fucking knew there was something happening behind the screen, why didn't you tell me??”
“I told AJ!”
“You should've told me.”
His voice roared and there was a red mist in his eyes. Tom knew it wasn't entirely Sam's fault, nor was it AJ's, nor his or Luke's - it wasn't entirely anyone's fault - but the love he felt for the shorter man outweighed the common sense he was renowned for having.
“Should? Should? What, are you his keeper or something?”
“No. No I- fuck.”
“Tom. What's going on mate?”
Instead of answering, he feels his words freeze. Like his tongue was too heavy in his mouth and the words put themselves on strike. How the hell is he supposed to tell them what he means without revealing everything?
Using the excuse of being close friends felt like it was running out of time, out of being a deflection. Because saying him and Luke are close is like saying him and Sam are close or him and AJ, or Sam and AJ - he couldn't say it without sounding like he was dismissing the closeness of the four of them and revealing his relationship with Luke in one breath.
“Just- he was… I'm not his keeper but, I feel a bit heavier with this because I was the first to know- and I'm not saying you guys don't help and that he shouldn't have told you or that you should leave it all to me, I just… I don't know. I love you guys and I care about you guys but it feels… it's different this time.”
And Tom knew he didn't need to say anything else. That the three of them didn't need words anymore because they've been friends for over 10 years and when you mix that with working together and improvising, it's easy to know what you mean with just the simplicity of twitching your nose the right way.
###
Luke knows.
He knows and that makes it worse.
It’s clearly frustrating for them and he knows; this is his everyday.
Waking up and not even having the chance to breathe before everything crashes down on top of him like an old building with creaky, cracked, rotting foundations. That's all he feels he is at the end of the day, when his head feels as heavy as the feet he slides across the floor like concrete.
He's a creaky, old, cracking, rotting house. Barely living, just existing. Left to be trashed, graffitied, violated like he doesn't matter, like he isn't cared for and when he's too much, he'll splinter and crumble to the ground leaving only dust and a story where that too, will be forgotten until anything and everything to do with Luke Christopher Manning was just an old pipe dream - the Mandela effect, if you will.
So he knows how frustrating he is.
Because he wakes up frustrated with himself and his creaky foundations and then he takes a hammer to them like russian roulette just to see how much longer he can go on, how much more he can take until he either goes naturally or he goes on his own terms; so he goes into the bathroom and turns on the shower and his ritual begins.
His drawers hold the toolbox, hammers and screwdrivers and wrenches and he reaches in for one of them. The sound of the shower is like a rainy day where your chores just could not wait and he steps under the steaming spray with his hammer, gets it poised and ready and he swings.
The splinters explode in red as the cracks come white and he loses another beam as his knees buckle until his eyes flash black dots like lightning and his knees hit the bathtub like thunder. He feels dizzy, the spray of the shower hitting him hidden by a numb static under and over and inside his skin and not for the first time he thinks:
‘Is this it? Is this the time I end up in an ambulance? With stitches in my skin?’
It wouldn't happen though. It's come close - too close sometimes - as he sits in the shower letting his blood run down the drain and his skin burn. His eyes close and he doesn't care about the dangers adding up because he simply just doesn't care - then those brown eyes, that bright bright smile and his eyes open, he stumbles to the floor with a towel wrapped around his arm and he feels that spark of life that's worth living drown out the pumping veins of hatred.
When he makes it back to his bedroom, a fresh and tight bandage wrapped around his pounding arm and body still covered in only a towel, he reaches over and grabs ahold of his phone, to look at any messages he might have missed and he’s faced with his most recent texts to Tom; there’s 6 missed messages from Sam and he just can’t yet.
It’s not fair. It’s never fair to burden Tom with his storming ocean of vulnerability but, he’d anchored himself in the reassurance of the taller man so quickly it feels weird and kind of wrong to not message him and ask for help but then again, Tom has his own problems. Ones that Luke shouldn’t add onto so, maybe pulling back and not burdening him is the better option because helping Tom with his own problems and holding back his own was always better before he found out and things came crashing down.
But Luke. He needs Tom. He doesn’t want to need him so much but he does.
My reason
15:40 that's what AJ said x
Me
great minds think alike x 15:40
-are you free?-
Delete.
My reason
15:40 that's what AJ said x
Me
great minds think alike x 15:40
-I'm not okay-
Delete.
My reason
15:40 that's what AJ said x
Me
great minds think alike x 15:40
-I think I need help-
Delete.
My reason
15:40 that's what AJ said x
Me
great minds think alike x 15:40
-I think |
What does he think?
If he sat himself down. Projected himself into two people and asked himself face to face. What would he say?
‘What do you think?’ he would ask, one foot crossed over the other, face blank.
‘Think about what?’ he would answer, his leg bouncing, fingers picking at loose cuticles.
‘Not to be blunt but, you've told me that you wake up wishing the same thing every day. And you admitted that you've been relapsing multiple times a day, enough to make yourself dizzy and your legs buckle. If this was real, I'd be admitting you to inpatient care. But I'm not real so, what do you think? When you think about what you want to do with yourself. What is the real, honest, truthful answer?’
He feels his leg bouncing, the taste of iron on his lips from biting at a loose cuticle and it feels like he'd been sitting for hours until he looks down at his black phone screen, taps it on, unlocks it and he can't tell if the hitch in his breath is from relief or horror.
My reason
15:40 that's what AJ said x
Me
great minds think alike x 15:40
-I think I want to die-
It's strange when he sees the words actually typed out. Like they're real. They're not just words in his mind anymore, they're real. His eyes feel transfixed at the blinking cursor and he gets as far as his thumb hovering dangerously over the ‘send’ button.
Delete.
My reason
15:40 that's what AJ said x
Me
great minds think alike x 15:40
can't wait to see you at the weekend 18:57
A settlement of guilt fills his bones but he ignores it, had learnt how to ignore it when it was just four friends with a dream and had learnt how to ignore it better now that him and Tom were in a relationship.
If he did it once before, he can do it again.
He can hide it.
He has to.
###
Tom feels his phone buzz, his fingers immediately retrieving the item to look at the notification and he feels his heart hammer in anxiety.
Little Darling
18:57 can’t wait to see you at the weekend
It was such a simple thing. Small. Tiny. Not even that much of a change. Sometimes he forgot to send one as well but, there was just a feeling he had when he got the message without it. Maybe he was overreacting. Maybe he was just worried after finding out what happened between Sam and Luke. Maybe he was being a little overbearing but he can’t help it. He loves Luke and he wishes he could do more to help him whenever he reaches out for the help he desires but, even if it works, Tom can’t help but feel like there’s still something the shorter man is hiding.
Because it’s such a small, simple thing. Barely big enough to worry over like he is but - Luke forgot a kiss.
And for no reason Tom could think of in that moment, it scared him.