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Anders walked lamely into the Hanged Man, as tired and grouchy as they’d ever seen him. He didn’t even say anything as he approached the table, just pulled out a chair and sat down, leaning forward to rest his head on the table. He didn’t even comment on whatever gross, sticky patch he put his hair in.
“Rough day?” Hawke observed. Anders groaned in response. “What happened?”
He grumbled to himself for a minute before finally taking his head off the table and slouching back in his chair. Isabela handed him her drink which he took a sip of before promptly spitting out all over the already abused floor.
“What- what was that?” Anders sputtered, accepting a sip off Hawke’s drink to wash the taste out of his mouth while Isabela laughed. “Why is it spicy?”
“Ha! You fereldans really can’t handle your spices, can you?” She mused, still chuckling at Anders’ expense.
Hawke rolled her eyes. “Yeah she drinks some weird stuff, isn’t too bad when you're kissing her, but when she’s-” Hawke paused, stopping herself while the others waited expectantly. “Nevermind. What’s wrong with you, Anders?”
Varric gave Hawke a side eye but let it go when Anders started his ranting.
“I couldn’t sleep at all last night because of all the stupid noise coming from Fenris’ apartment, and I had to work a double shift today without any sleep.”
The others shared an incredulous look, looking at each other so obviously that Anders could see it even though he was barely keeping his eyes open.
“What?”
“Not that we think you're lying blondie,” Varric suggested warrily, “but the elf isn’t really the noisy type. In fact he’s usually unsettlingly quiet.”
Anders frowned, eyes narrowing. “Well everyone’s quiet compared to you guys.”
“He has a point,” Isabela snickered, not so subtly nudging Hawke.
“I’m not that loud!” Hawke protested, only to be shushed by Norah, effectively proving Isabela’s point.
Varric and Isabela laughed at Hawke who was huffing quietly, Anders started to get tired again and slumped over.
“Stay with us Blondie,” Varric shook his shoulder. “What was the elf doing that was so loud anyway?”
“No idea,” Anders sighed, ”sounded to me like movement? Creaking floorboards, muffled voices, and other stuff. If it was anyone else I’d say that they were getting laid but Fenris would be more likely to cut off someone’s arm then let them touch him.”
Isabela sputtered, almost spitting out her drink. “Fenris is getting LAID?”
Anders rolled his eyes, since she obviously missed the point. “Somehow I doubt that. He was probably just making noise to mess with me…”
“Hang on,” Hawke interjected. “I know you guys don’t get along very well, but I was with Fenris most of yesterday and you guys didn’t talk at all. He’s been pretty pissed at you before, but never done this. So why would he start when you guys weren’t even fighting.”
“I don’t know,” Anders groaned. He was too tired to scowl and insult Fenris, and too tired to think of some explanation either. “It’s more likely than him having sex.”
“Is it possible he was flying solo?” Isabela asked suggestively.
“Or that it was something else? Like a dishwasher? Is his bedroom even above yours?”
“It is,” Varric answered before Anders had to think too hard. “Neither of their apartments were ever privately owned or remodeled so they’re the same cookie cutter outline.”
“How do you- oh right… sometimes I forget you’re our landlord,” Anders sighed. He’d never had a landlord who wasn’t an absolute money grabbing scumbag. Admittedly Varric was only their landlord because his brother, who was an insufferable landlord, got hospitalized. And it was very sad that Bartrand was still sick and might never be the same, but it did mean that none of them had to deal with increasing rent prices. And Varric was chill, so long as they agreed that he was a better landlord than Bartrand.
“Ok,” Isabela set her drink down with determination, “next time you hear stuff, text me and I’ll set a camera up outside his door so we can see who comes out in the morning. Got it?”
Anders nodded, though he didn’t hear most of the details over the pounding in his head. Just wait until next time, text Isabela, find out who’s sleeping with Fenris, something-something, profit. Sounded like a good plan.
It was less than a week before it happened again. Anders texted Isabela and they agreed to meet up at the Hanged man the next day after she had gone through the footage.
Though, from her scowl, Anders was pretty sure she didn’t find what she was looking for.
“Nothing!” she declared. “Absolutely nothing! I left this thing up from the time you messaged me, to the same time last night, that’s 24 hours! And no one besides Fenris left his apartment!”
“Do you think he smuggled in a new roommate?” Hawke asked.
Anders frowned. “Somehow I find it even less likely that Fenris found someone willing to live with him, than Fenris getting laid.”
“Well, it’s not that either,” Isabela huffed. “Unless this roommate is really good at hiding, because Sebastian brought him lunch at around noon, stayed for like an hour, then left.”
“Does that mean we’re ruling Choir Boy out as Fenris’ secret lover?” Varric asked, but Anders shook his head.
“Times don’t match up. Besides, I don’t think Sebastian was ever ruled in.”
“What about me?”
The accented voice came from behind Anders and made him jump, almost falling out of his seat. He forgot how soft footed Sebastian could be. If only he could forget the rest of Sebastian too…
Hawke waved him to a seat next to her to explain. “Anders has been hearing sounds from Fenris’ apartment at night, we think it’s sex sounds, but last time he heard them Isabela put up a camera and didn’t see anyone leave the apartment.”
“So that’s why there was a camera. Here I thought Varric put in a security system.”
Varric laughed while Isabela groaned. “You noticed it? Do you think that means Fenris noticed it too?”
Sebastian shook his head. “It wasn’t that obvious, I just have a knack for noticing cameras.”
“Right, rowdy childhood and strict parents.”
“Rich parents, they could afford a good security system to keep me in my room.”
“Yikes,” Hawke commented, “when I was grounded, the security system was Bethany and Carver snitching.”
Anders cleared his throat to change the conversation. “So, does this mean we’re giving up on finding out what’s keeping me from sleeping? Because if this keeps happening, then I’ll end up drinking more coffee, and at this point in my life that just might kill me.”
“Is that like, an official diagnosis from nurse Anders?” Hawke asked.
“If the coffee doesn’t kill me, then being around you people will.”
Isabela sipped her drink. “I’ll do some digging, see what I can find so that next time this happens you don’t wring Fenris’ neck.”
“Not that he’d win that fight,” Varric commented nonchalantly. “No offense Blondie.”
“...Whatever.”
Fenris didn’t like texting much. He didn’t like records of conversations being kept, and he didn’t like reading and typing either. Most of his texts were short and cryptic, but his friends knew how to interpret them well enough.
He only had to text a question mark to Sebastian and minutes later he’d be outside the fire escape, knocking on the window.
Fenris opened it to let Sebastian in, who, after a quick look around the apartment, reached out to take his hand. Fenris welcomed the contact eagerly, leaning up to kiss Sebastian on the cheek and watch him blush and smile.
They had started spending most nights together since they started their little ‘relationship’. It wasn’t always sex, usually they would have dinner, watch tv, maybe cuddle, and sometimes Sebastian would stay the night. It would make more sense for them to have their meetings in Sebastian’s apartment, since Fenris was his downstairs neighbor and his apartment was generally nicer, but it made Fenris uncomfortable to stay in bed that wasn’t his own. Also, Sebastian was much better at climbing through windows, and he never seemed to mind being at Fenris’ apartment.
“What’s up?” Sebastian asked, “have you eaten yet?”
“I had some leftovers. You?”
“I ate something while at the Hanged Man. Not the food they serve there, I brought something.”
“You went to the Hanged Man?”
Sebastian nodded. “Hawke knew I was in the neighborhood and invited me. I actually learned some interesting information.”
“Oh?” Fenris cocked an eyebrow. “Do tell.”
“Well you remember that camera I noticed outside your door?”
“Yeah…”
“Isabela. Apparently we were keeping Anders up at night and she was waiting for someone to come out of your apartment.”
Fenris chuckled, glancing at the window and the fire escape right outside of it. “Well, she’ll be waiting a long time.”
“I’m not sure how long until she figures it out, so we’ll have to be more careful until we’re ready to tell them.”
Fenris smirked and cupped Sebastian’s cheeks in his hands, pulling him closer so they could kiss on the lips. “Or… we could mess with them more.”
“I wouldn’t say the idea didn’t cross my mind…” Sebastian revealed, kissing Fenris again.
“What would you have in mind?”
“Hmmm…” he hummed, “do you know any orlesian?”
“Not at all.”
“Perfect.”
As Anders and the others watched Fenris walk into the Hanged Man, Hawke immediately stood up, shaking her head.
“I can’t believe this,” she started, looking disappointed but then her expression began to morph into anger as she pinched the bridge of her nose. “Really Fenris? Really? I thought we were friends!”
Fenris only raised an eyebrow, the rest of his face staying mostly neutral and unimpressed, though Sebastian, who had walked in behind him, looked completely bewildered.
Hawke opened her mouth to keep going, raising an accusatory finger, but was pulled back into her seat by Isabela before she could start going off.
“Would you-“ Isabela struggled to get Hawke back into her seat. “Stick to the- oh makers balls, Merrill you start.”
When Isabela tagged her in, Merrill squeaked for a moment before standing up, bravely addressing Fenris the way that Hawke was supposed to.
“Um, Fenris,” she began, “we decided, well actually it was mostly Hawke who put this together- um sorry Hawke- but this is supposed to be an intervention.”
“An intervention.” Fenris repeated flatly.
“Yup. We wanted to get a banner and have it at Hawke’s place, but none of us actually wanted to leave the Hanged Man,” Varric admitted, taking a sip of his drink. “But despite the lack of signage, this is still an intervention.”
“A bar seems like an odd place to have an intervention…” Sebastian commented as he slipped past Fenris, who remained standing, and took a seat over by Merrill, who had sat back down after introducing the reason for the meeting. “Doesn’t that seem counterintuitive?”
But Varric just shook his head. “Not in this case, Choir Boy,” he addressed Sebastian smugly. “I know your worldview is colored by the chantry and your AA meetings, but this intervention has nothing to do with the elf’s drinking habits.”
Aveline shook her head. “Trust me, I’ve proposed that intervention for several different people here, but this group of drunks never wants to hear it.”
“A functional alcoholic is still functional,” Isabela argued, having seated Hawke securely in her lap. “Why do you have to be a buzzkill about having a good time?”
“You nearly die every other week, how is that functional-“
“Would someone PLEASE get back to the issue!” Hawke interrupted loudly, folding her arms across her chest like a cross child. “Who cares if someone’s a drunk, they could be a methhead and that would be better than f——ing an orlesian!”
Hawke was seething by the end of her accusation and that’s when a flash of understanding began to cross over Fenris’ face.
“I see. You heard, or saw, I assume?” Fenris asked, looking mildly curious but still nonplused.
“Anders heard, you’ve been keeping him up,” Isabela mentioned offhandedly as if it wasn’t that important and not the entire reason that they found out about Fenris’ whole affair, but then she shifted in her seat and pouted, sounding more frustrated. “And by the way, I think it’s awfully rude of you to go around having sex with someone who isn’t me. I thought you were still getting over your whole victim crap, which I get, been there done that, but if I knew that you were down to clown then I would have been trying way harder to get you into bed.”
“My… apologies?” Fenris asked her, seeming uncertain of how to respond.
Isabela just huffed. “Good. I don’t know why you would bother with some orlesian floozy when I’m right here.”
“Can I ask where you even met this orlesian?” Aveline interjected with perhaps the most reasonable question of the night. “I don’t see many orlesians visiting Kirkwall, and Maker knows that you wouldn’t be hanging around the kind of spots that orlesians tend to visit.”
“Maybe he was buying bread!” Merrill chimed in. “There’s this one woman in lowtown market who’s orlesian, though she is about 80, so I’m not sure if she’s the one that Fenris is sleeping with, but she sells this fancy orlesian bread, it’s called a bag-something- oh what’s the word?”
“Baguette,” Sebastian finished for her and Merrill lit up.
“Yes! A baguette! Thank you Sebastian!”
Anders groaned because just hearing the word baguette gave him flashbacks to last night when that stupid voice kept chittering in its orlesian accent, asking Fenris if they could ‘taste his baguette’…
Actually… The flashback was a little too vivid, and Anders felt something in his sleep deprived mind begin to click.
“Of course. Occasionally the Chantry gets visitors from-“
“Wait a blighted moment-“ Anders cut Sebastian- the stupid nitwit- off as he responded to Merrill. Anders’ narrowed his eyes as he stared into blank blue eyes. “Say that again.”
“Say what?” Sebastian asked, all mock innocence and naivety, the typical Chantry hypocrite and sleep terrorist approach.
“Baguette. Say it again.”
“I don’t-“
“Say. It.” Anders insisted, on the verge of absolutely losing his mind when Sebastian tried to argue.
Everyone was staring, a mix of horrified, confused, and amused expressions on their faces. But the only face Anders could see was Sebastian’s, looking back at him with the most stupid, oblivious expression.
“Um.. baguette?” Sebastian said, complying with Anders’s request.
It was said in his usual Starkhaven accent, but there was a familiar note, and specifically the way that he pronounced the first syllable that made Anders see red.
Before he knew it, Anders had launched himself across the table in a fit of rage to get to Sebastian, only to be tackled by Fenris before he could ever get his hands on the prince. Then it was a blur of punches and hair pulling and… biting? There was a lot going on and Anders was too tired and angry to really think, so he was mostly going off of instinct, but Anders definitely sunk his teeth into something before being pulled away by Hawke who wasn’t even straining as she held him back while he clawed at the air.
A few more moments passed of futile fighting to break free from Hawke’s stupidly strong grip, followed by some angry gasps for breath; after that Anders began to calm down and acknowledged Varric talking to Corff, most likely to keep them all from being thrown out. Some bribe was clearly made, and Corff huffed on his way back to the bar as things began to settle down.
“Anders, what in the void was that?” Hawke asked, as she loosened her grip and let go of him. Looking quickly between Anders and Fenris, who was looking fine except for the bite mark on his arm, which was being looked at by… Sebastian.
Just seeing them together made Anders want to lose it again, but he took a deep breath to regain his composure. If he couldn’t sleep at night, then he would be a dick about it. That’s what happened.
“It’s him!” Anders pointed aggressively at Sebastian, making everyone turn to look at the poor, innocent, confused chantry brother. “He’s the blighter.”
“What?”
“He’s the one sleeping with Fenris!” Anders all but shouted. “He’s the one keeping me up at night!”
The whole group gasped, well almost everyone. Isabela looked rather smug, but Anders had noticed some suspicious glances from her right after the fight, so she had probably pieced it together then, and obviously Sebastian and Fenris didn’t look too surprised.
In fact Fenris looked rather bored and a little bit pissed, though that might have more to do with the fact that he was addressing Anders than the situation.
“And?”
It was just one word, said by the elf so nonchalantly that it made Anders want to tear his throat out even more, but before he had the chance to get too worked up, Hawke was basically screaming.
“whAT? YOURE HAVING SEX? WITH SEBASTIAN?”
“Shut up over there!” Norah called to them. “This ain’t news. He sucks his lil boyfriend off in the alley every other week. Stop fooling around with every pair of tits in Kirkwall and pay attention to the world around you for once.”