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Kokichi’s words about the truth of the outside world kept tumbling in Shuichi’s head, rising and falling again, rinse and repeat. 16 students were ‘saved’ from tragedy and sent off into space to be a new age of Adams and Eves. The earth they knew, the people they knew, their family, died God who knows how long ago.
They’d been fighting for the outside world, the hope to make it out of here and leave this killing game behind. But there was no outside world. There was nothing of worth past this dome. No. Not even inside this dome.
Meaningless, that’s what it all was.
The truth is that it would’ve been better if they had all died a long time ago.
Shuichi didn’t know how he got up from his room to sulk around the Academy, much less why his body took the effort in the first place. Every patch of grass and rough wall texture felt like a cruel reminder of everything that had happened. He wished he could run away from it all, and never return.
The smell of freshly baked goods hung in the air. It stalked his nostrils and lured his senses to the canteen. The numbness erased any sensation of hunger he surely must have gotten over not eating for several days, yet he yearned for the aroma. For that aroma was one he hadn’t experienced in a long time.
The light of the kitchen illuminated the window-less area, reaching just into the empty canteen. He drew further in, enamored by this odd event of someone, despite this despair, finding the energy to bake.
An oven rack sat on the kitchen cabinet, covered in parchment. Rolls of raw croissants evenly spread themselves across in a 3x3 formation. A gloved hand delicately brushed beaten egg over them, preparing for when the current batch in the oven’s finished.
Kirumi.
Shuichi felt all the air in his lungs deflate upon the sight of her. She simply stood there, dedicated to her cooking as always while wearing her cobweb adorned maid outfit, standing taller than she already naturally did in her high heels. It was such an incredibly comforting sight, yet one that could not be true either. She fell to her death, he saw it happen right in front of him.
Was he only imagining her?
When he took his next step, she looked up to him with her one emerald eye, the other hidden behind her short blonde hair. Unlike Shuichi, she wasn’t confused when she saw him. In fact, her eyes lit up to give a smile, accompanied by words he hadn’t heard in so long: “Good morning, Shuichi.”
A voice as soft as silk blessed his ears and his heart skipped a beat. Nothing but awe wove over his heart like the broken waves washing up to shore. He swore he was about to cry. And she noticed that.
Softly, she put the brush down and moved across the kitchen as she laid a hand on his shoulder to guide him along. “Shuichi, come look at this.”
Her touch shook him. It wasn’t make-belief. He looked her over one more time to make sure he felt it right before averting his attention through the serving hatch she’d brought him to.
The canteen’d been transformed. The chilling air of despair replaced by joy. 8 people sat gathered around the large table, talking together like they were out at a restaurant. Rantaro leaned into his seat, waving a finger at a pouting Kaede. Her pout turned into a victorious laughter when Rantaro put his hands up in defeat. Ryoma nibbled on his candy cigarette as he listened to Angie spouting information on Atua, illustrating everything with her loud body movements. Tenko, although listening, clearly understood very little of it nor found the subject particularly interesting, unlike Korekiyo who curiously wrote his findings down. Meanwhile, on the other side, Miu demanded food to be served already while Gonta attempted to shush her despite his own intense hunger. She was being far too impatient.
Yet, Shuichi didn’t hear her chanting, nor the rhythmic beat of her cutlery hitting the table or the chattering of the others. It was just a view, a mirage, a window’s peek into what lay in the beyond.
Still, it brought a smile to his face. One filled with sadness, but a smile all the while. “… It’s amazing…”
“It really is something,” she looked at him, a polite smile of her own curling her lips as her grip on his shoulder tightened in comfort, “isn’t it?”
He continued to stare at the group, stare at Kaede. The only reason he’d pushed forward in the first place.
She continued, “It’s good to pause for an occasional reminder.”
“... Of what?” he cautiously asked back, looking at her. It still didn’t feel quite real to be talking to her.
“Whatever comes to mind. For me that often is my desire to serve everyone.”
Of course, the selfless devotion. Shuichi knew - remembered, it all too well. From her precise cleaning to her on-the-clock culinary display. Any feelings of worry she must have held about the killing game were pushed aside in order to serve everyone. She looked after everyone like a mother hawk, even if being called a mother brought detest to her tongue. In a way, Shuichi did understand where the nickname came from even if it didn’t truly suit her. She asked how you were doing, if you needed anything, even advice. She stood at the ready comfort you when you needed it most. Her kind words of confidence to him never left his head.
Just like her crime. Her selfless devotion went so far that she had made a promise to the entire country. Her most important people drove her to go against the principles she’d preached since the beginning. Still, it fit her definition of selfless devotion; casting her personal feelings aside for what the people needed from her.
And it was all in nay. There was no world beyond, no citizens awaiting her care. She did it all for nothing. She died for nothing.
“Any thoughts on that?” Her head cocked a little to the left, the change in lighting glistening the cut on her cheek. A fresh tiny drip of pink blood trickled its way down.
The tears resurfaced and he took her into her arms. She instinctively wrapped her own around his back and shoulder. The weight of her body leaned onto him, needing him, yet comforting him all the while.
He held her even tighter, wanting to mend her broken bones and put her back together. “I’m so sorry for what happened to you…” he whispered near her ear, his voice hitching. “For what happened to Rantaro… And Kaede… And Ryoma… And Angie… And-”
“Shuichi…”
He pulled away a bit and looked away, too ashamed to meet her. “Maybe if I had tried harder, none of you would have had to suffer… Maybe if I had kept a closer eye on Kaede, or had been able to throw myself between you and Ryoma I-... If I had done things differently I could have-”
She put a hand to his cheek and made him look up to her, the tears quickly coming to stain her glove. “There’s no use beating yourself up for that.”
“No, you don’t understand…” He shook his head heavily, wanting to escape her grip even if deep inside he didn’t want that. It all mixed together. “The outside world, it doesn’t exist anymore. Anything any of you have ever done, it was all for nothing. You died for nothing. It was all… useless…”
“That’s only what you think.” She caught his eyes and spoke into them, “I know it’s been hard.”
“... I’m tired, Kirumi…” Now his body was the one to slump, losing all its energy and needing support. It turned numb. Even the tears didn’t work anymore.
And she was the one to hold his pieces together.
“I tried to stop the killing game, but… it always slipped right out of my hands, I couldn’t keep my promise… And now…”
“We’ll get there. We’re all getting out of this misery.”
“There’s no way out of this…”
“There is.” Her hand dug into his raven hair, “I promise you, there’s always a way.”
“Maybe I can find my way here, with you and the others. If I… just kill my-”
“No, Shuichi…” She pulled away, cupped his cheeks into her hands and brought his forehead to her rosy lips. A goodnight kiss. No, not that. A goodbye kiss. “You have to get up.”
~Ding-dong!~
In a flash she was gone. She’d pushed him back to reality.
~Ding-dong!~
With that same force he stumbled out of bed and uneasily walked to the door. Maki, who looked surprisingly fine, intruded. She told him he looked terrible and commanded him to take a shower before following her to the dining hall.
She left about as quickly as she arrived, parading her way out.
He watched her leave for a moment, bewildered not just by her demeanor, but also by his dream. There was a warmth on his forehead he couldn’t place. One that made any thought of returning to his bed to rot away vanish.
Before leaving the dormitory all together, his eyes lingered on Kirumi’s door for a moment, on her picture hanging above it. He slowly drew his hand on the wood, almost caressing it.
A lot of different words danced on his tongue, looking for an escape yet finding no solace. Even if for the past few days he had nothing to say, it’s almost like his body suddenly knew something sat around the corner, waiting for him to take by the horns and march forward.
Hope.