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“The monster goes, and you accept Hikaru's death. Ya turn the page, and ya live yer human life happy.”
Something crumbled inside Yoshiki as he heard those words. His legs trembled, he lost his balance and splashed his fists into the salty sea.
Simple words sometimes had the biggest, unexpected impact, and maybe his body physically could not handle the weight of those words.
This couldn't be.
Hikaru had gotten it all wrong. The monster, the real monster here…
Earlier that day, the house was filled with immense chatter. It was as if the majority of the village was inside.
“It ain't so bad if Kaoru doesn't go to school. She's a girl after all.”
This was followed by defeaning laughter.
Despite the advancements in technology, despite living in a so-called modern society, people as narrow-minded as the Tsujinaka family still harboured the old ways of thinking and living.
So many of the things they said didn’t sit right.
Yoshiki could feel that whatever he had chewed down for lunch would soon come right back up. Whether his family would see it as a display of his anxiety, — or a sign of disrespect — was unsure.
The unusually hot weather, paired with the small living room, did not permit him to breathe. It felt like with every word spat out by the others, a part of him swallowed like toxic fumes. He was slowly suffocating. Slowly, painfully, and disturbingly aware of the discomfort he felt.
Yoshiki tried to rationalise.
He told his conscience that “It wasn't their fault after all”. Kubitachi was such a small, closed-off village that it wasn't surprising to see people who still had such reasoning.
“Ya should hurry and get a girlfriend!”
Even more laughter followed. The highscooler knew that the alcohol hadn’t kicked in yet. That was all said within the bounds of sobriety.
It wasn't their fault. He was the odd one. If people like them were to learn of his true identity…
Would he get taken away ?
Would he be labeled as possessed?
Would they exorcise him ?
There was no telling what could happen. But he was certain that he would be treated as a nobody for the rest of his days. And he could surely forget about escaping, because Kubitachi's claws will close on him faster than he would have time to act.
Then what do I do ?
If I speak,
They'll eradicate the monster.
I have to keep him a secret.
The young man felt himself starting to drown in between the loud, condescending voices of his family members, and the unsufferable singing of the cicadas. He was sweating profusely, and the temperature was not the cause. His head became dizzy, his vision turned blurry, and he couldn't correctly make out whatever nonsense those around him blabbled about. Yoshiki was aware of what was happening, and yet couldn't lift a finger. His body stopped answering to his commands.
He could hear his own desperation loudly in his head.
Oh shoot... I'm going to pass out. Damn it. I can't, not now…
Amidst all, the faint and broken sound of the doorbell's ring jolted him right back to full consciousness. It was like a thunder's roar in a forest, drowning out every other noise around it. It was a chime of salvation, and behind that chime, Hikaru appeared like a saviour.
Suddenly, all the heaviness in his chest had disappeared as soon as he opened the door. His bright smile chased the darkness away.
Monsters didn't save others.
Wearing a neon-bright green shirt and a cross body bag, the bright boy asked, “Wanna hang out ?”
He's here. Thank goodness he's here.
“Yeah.”
He peaked quickly behind him and let Hikaru know that he would grab some things before heading out.
As they headed to the sea, a decision made on a whim, and they stood in the scorching sun marching towards the station, his past conviction grew stronger. He was sure of it, he hated Kubitachi, Koboyama, and all that's in it or around. The annoying cicadas. The unbearable heat. The fact that everyone and anyone knew of and was getting into his personal affairs. He hated this town, and he would do everything to make his departure happen. For good.
“I'm able to grant any wish.”
“Any?”
“Any.”
The heat of this summer was unbeatable.
August had always been hot in this region, but Yoshiki couldn’t recall if it had ever reached this temperature before.
It seems like he wasn't the only one feeling this way.
Hikaru complained and suggested getting ice scream from the supermarket. His friend agreed. He even got a funny looking floater. “For my sister. She’s been askin’ for one,” he said.
They then settled in an empty kid park nearby, sitting on the plastic rides they had overgrown long ago. The popsicles were consumed in silence until the topic of “old memories” was brought up. He remembered that from his life in the mountain, he could grant wishes.
“If yer able to grant any wish, then…”
Yoshiki's dark gray eyes looked into Hikaru's intensively, before shying away after a while.
“Never mind.”
The words that made up his wish got stuck in his throat. But Hikaru did not need to hear his voice to understand what got buried.
“If yer able to grant any wish, then…can ya bring Hikaru back to life?”
This was probably what came to mind.
Hikaru was concerned about leaving him behind. He was concerned about him being lonely. A monster didn't think of others before itself. He’d brought up a few times before, “What if I went back?”, and the gloomy teen was always quick to shut down the idea. He’d talk him out of it by saying things like “We’ll find a place where ya can be yerself.” But he on the other hand also constantly wondered, “If I left the village, would I be okay without Hikaru around?”
The scenary on the train ride could give famous paintings a run for their money. Even his disdain for the area wasn’t strong enough for Yoshiki to lie to himself. It was that beautiful.
The speed of the ride was perfect. Not too fast as to only see blur, but not too slow as to fall asleep. Hikaru seemed to be enjoying it too, although not as much as what he got to see next. The child-like wonder he expressed when seeing the enormous, expanding body of water chased out the sourness of the raven-boy. Seeing him splash of joy, and inviting him to join…so typical of Hikaru.
But it faded away and came to a stop, like a rolling bolder naturally loosing momentum. His eyes betrayed his intentions before he could even place a word.
When Hikaru shared that he was planning to go back to the mountains, somehow he knew that it was different than the other times he’d said this. His tone was grave, his eyes were dull, and his smile was fake. He tried to dismiss it at first, with questions like “What are you talking about?” And statements like “Don’t scare me like that again”, but quickly grew ro realise that Hikaru had never been that serious. Yoshiki's heart skipped multiple beats, as if it were planning on stopping its constant march.
He could not find a single fiber of his being agreeing with this choice. A dreading feeling quickly made its way inside him, a feeling he was unfortunately able to decipher with ease. It felt like fear. And it felt like disappointment too.
The fear of remaining alone, and the disappointment of feeling this way.
“It's the right thing to do.”
Hikaru, although unable to grasp humanity completely, and only relying on intangible memories, declared it with such conviction that Yoshiki imagined his own morality faltering like an unstable boat rack. He chose to put a stop to the trouble, to stop causing worry, and to finally leave, or rather restore things the way they should have been such a long time ago. Would a monster truly sacrifice itself in such a way ? Would a monster be able to say things such as “I love you” with such pure intentions and selflessness ?
There was no doubt,
Yoshiki couldn't allow him to leave.
The truth was still hidden.
Even if it were to come to light one day, together, they could make sure it stayed a secret for even a little longer. Just a little longer, until they found a place where the monster belonged.
“Ya can't go ! What about our research ? Dontcha wanna know what you are ?”
None of what he said was the true reason. None of what he said, he'd believed. These words as they stood were merely bait to secure him like a caged creature who wanted to get away.
And he slowly, bitterly realized, that this was what Hikaru represented at the moment. He simply wished to return to his natural habitat, as to put everyone out of the danger zone. And…to also be free, expressing his most primal instincts…
The monster wanted to be let go from his chains.
Yoshiki visulized it and a tingling feeling squeezed the breath out of his chest.
No.
No, no, no…
Not again.
I ain’t ready to lose him again.
Panic went through Yoshiki's whole body, and he desperately clinged to the only thing able to save him. He didn't care if he wasn't human. He looked human enough, and it was all he needed to continue living. As long as he didn't kill anyone, as long as the monster continued to act like he was normal, they'll be able to live. Nobody knew. And because nobody knew the secret, with them as the exception, he couldn’t understand why they weren’t holding out a little more…
“I don't think I'll be able to hide it any longer. Don't you get it ? You think I—”
“Stop.”
He had to cut him off. Or else his conscience would over take his words, and he’d hear exactly what he didn’t want.
Dontcha get it ? Ya think I wanna do this ? Ya think i’m not hurtin’? It’s tough for me too ! But right now I’m sick of harming people an’ you keep me from goin’ away !
He did not want to go. But he had to do so.
No matter how pretty the package was, his intentions remained ugly — he essentially wanted harm be done in order to feel good. Humans may have varying degrees of morality, but most would agree that keeping as man-killing other-wordly being close to them because they resembled their friend was wrong.
All along, he was always talking about himself. “I'm a monster too. We can be monsters together.”
He was the one hiding his identity, in fear of getting found out. He was the one selfishly requesting for Hikaru to stay, even when he knew the harm he had done and could do again. Even when he knew how much it hurt him.
He was the one who didn't allow himself to mourn his best friend. Only a true monster could do all of those, without shedding a tear, and faking a normal life.
If Hikaru were to go, there would be no one remaining to save him from this hell hole. There would be no one he could turn to and bear the reality with. If he were to go, who would allow him to be selfish to no end, never opposing any resistance, accepting all like the ultimate form of goodness ?
Kubatachi was darkness. Hikaru was his light. The light was gone, and Hikaru was born. Yoshiki feared what would happen if he were to go too.
After the monster goes, would he still remain the same ?
“Didja even think of what will happen once the monster goes ? What, we cry, we organize yer funeral? And then what ? We just forget ya, and we grow up, livin’ our own lives ? I leave the for the city an’ get a girlfriend to live ever happily after? Is that the solution?”
“It ain’t the solution. It's how it's supposed to be. Ya should already be beyond the funeral, if I weren't here.”
“Then what about me ! Yoshiki started shouting, "What about me , huh ?! Hikaru told ya to not leave me alone ! Are ya just going to do just that ? After the monster goes, there's only misery, huh ?!”
“Why can't ya understand that's its only for a while ?!" Hikaru raised his voice. "You'll get better eventually! You all will! Yeah, you'll be sad, an' I dun want that, but i can't stay ! I'll harm people ! I may kill Asako, and Yuki, and Maki ! I may kill ya too ! My mum, and my grandpa—”
“Ya can't go ! Ya promised me that you won't ever harm anyone again ! You liar !” They were only two at the beach, and yet it felt like their shouts got lost in the sea.
Yoshiki had never known such rage.
Always having been labeled as a quiet and shy boy, no one, not even himself, could expect such aggressiveness to come out of his voice.
He grabbed Hikaru's shirt collar and stared at him, unable to contain his anger but clueless on what to do with it.
Hikaru looked away, as if sad, as if ashamed.
“I'm sorry…I don't want you to be lonely…”
“Lonely ?” Yoshiki chuckled, mocking what he was hearing. “I've been lonely all my life. All of my life, I've had to hide the monster in me. No one to share it with, not even my best friend…” He gritted his teeth and threw a fist into Hikaru's face.
“So much for being lonely ! I was lonely even the day you died, Hikaru !”
Hikaru retaliated the punch and managed to detach himself from Yoshiki as the latter fell in the water due to the force behind it.
“Ha. You told me that I was my own person. But you still see me as Hikaru, dontcha ? Yer the true liar !” His eyes were full of tears, but his eyebrows showed he was full of discontempt.
Yoshiki looked at him, and for a reason he couldn't describe, he screamed of rage and stood up. He latched onto his shirt one more time, but he was unable to hit Hikaru. He had lost control over his body once more.
Monsters didn't save others.
Instead, they attacked them for petty motivations.
They asked others to sacrifice their freedom to serve their own purposes.
Monsters knew about what was right and what wasn't, yet they still chose the harmful way.
Monsters shed tears to obtain the pity of others, then lured them into accepting the reality that benefited them.
“I'm sorry…I didn't mean to… I'm so sorry, Hikaru….”
Monsters found solace in the comfort of their preys’ arms, as to keep them closer.
“That attitude…,”Hikaru started, his cheek flushed and his face full of sadness, “...don't ya think it suits me more?”
“Stay. Please stay.” Is all Yoshiki could bring himself to say, once again on the ground of the salty sea.
Hikaru looked down on him, his eyes full of regret and tenderness at the same time. The setting sun that traced gis face highlighted his pain beautifully. The red pupils which give Yoshiki the chills that fueled his nightmares were the same ones he didn't want to let go of.
“Yoshiki…”
If he had asked him this months ago, maybe he would have listened. But the new Hikaru had grown, and he now had his own preferences that were so different from the original that he might as well have been a new person.
And as such, he evolved, and so had his resolve.
He'd gotten it all wrong. The thought that his actions, his effort to distract him from the truth had been in vain, and that despite them all, Hikaru had chosen rationality…
All along, Yoshiki had bet on Hikaru's strong emotional drive to keep Hikaru bound to him.
That was what he was unable to bear.
The realisation that he was the child making unreasonable claims and throwing tantrums.
And the terrible, poisonous feeling of guilt.
He wondered when it was. When it was that “Hikaru” stopped waiting to be looked after, and when it was that he started acting with maturity.
Maybe his selfishness clouded his ability to see.
The boy was known as a reasonable person. He was serious, he could be counted on.
Yet, as things stood between him, Hikaru and the shimmering sea, he was the one acting with the most irrationality.
Hiding the truth of his best friend's “missing accident”, and hiding the monster that replaced him. Pretending to live a normal life for the eight months that followed, for the sole reason of “being unable to live without him”.
“I truly love you. In my own way. And I truly meant it. But I've made up my mind.”
Yoshiki's tears flooded his face, and his cry teared the silence of the waves.
He'd never cried that much, even on the night Hikaru Died.
His heart ached. Like the nights when he dreamed of his friend. Or the days where he could catch a glimpse of Hikaru’s soul in Hikaru’s behaviors.
It was during those aching times that he wished he truly meant those words. The words “I'm a monster too.”
Because if he was, he wouldn't be hurting so much.
Torn between his feelings and his lived reality, knowing what his heart wanted but his brain prohibited — knowing that he and Hikaru would never be rekindled again, and that Hikaru could never give the answers only the real one held, the only thing he could do at that time, that place, that moment, was showing to no one but him and himself the rawest emotions he had.
Years of anger.
Years of frustration.
Years of yearning and years of hiding.
But also Years of happiness.
Years of fun.
Years of loving, and years of freedom.
He wanted to let it out, but his breath couldn't keep up, his voice cowarded away. And so the salty air entered his lungs once again, and he screamed once more.
The worried and yet powerless stares of Hikaru plunged him into a hopeless pit he had no idea how to get out of.
All he knew was that after that evening, he had let go of the monster. What came after was blinding uncertainty.
Yoshiki gripped Hikaru tightly, as if to truly grasp his presence one last time. To reassure himself that Hikaru truly existed as his own.
Letting him free meant leaving all those years behind, and eventually, Hikaru.
“After the monster goes, I want you to be happy.”Hikaru gently whispered, as if he didn’t want Yoshiki to hear. The latter aquiesed in defeat, while his tears doubled. His heart was aching more than the force of the punches lingering on his face.
Maybe once this was all over, he would finally meet his years of peace.