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With a loud click that echoes throughout the small room the lock on the door turns into place securing Thanos’ and Namgyu’s spot in the vivid red room they found themselves in. That doesn’t bring a stop to the rattling door slamming into their sides, the people on the other side desperate for any chance to get inside. The pair shows little remorse as they continue to press their sides against the door and their hands on the door knob, Namgyu’s hand over his own as they shut the rest of the world out. They stay in that position until the frantic screaming and the harsh banging on the door coming to an abrupt end by the sound of two rounds of gunfire going off in their direction.
Namgyu sags against the door, no longer needing to put in the strength to keep it shut before letting out a laugh. It’s an alleviated sounding thing. The kind of laugh that grabs Thanos by the face and makes him look at the person who released such a noise. If he was currently in a more dry state of mind, he should probably think that's highkey a really fucked up thing for Namgyu to do. People just died and shit, not a fucking laughing matter. However, it was either some people they don’t know or themselves and Thanos would make the same choice every time and he knows Namgyu would do the same. Ain’t no shame in being happy to be alive. Also he isn’t in the right state of mind, he’s still reeling from that pill he took before the game started and Namgyu’s laugh sounds oh so nice despite the bloodbath going on outside. Like a sweet chorus coursing through his brain.
Looking at Namgyu now he sees a man panting from fighting to survive, his long hair sticking to his neck because of sweat. The image of a sweaty and panting Namgyu gives way to a feeling he’s proudly familiar with. However, it being directed towards Namgyu makes it feel like an entirely different beast. And the word beast really is the best way to describe it. The way this feeling of sudden desire wants to burst through his chest in a gory display of blood and guts and then the monster consumes him whole.
“Thank fuck that was the last round,” Namgyu says still sounding a bit breathless.
Yeah, thank fuck, Thanos agrees internally and in that moment that where it all started to hit him. Not like a love tap, no, it feels like a train collision hitting him at full speed. We fucking won, he realizes and now he’s laughing too. They made it. He’s alive and fuck he can’t think hard enough to do the math, but he has to be a lot closer to covering his debt. Just one more game. He’s got a real chance now to make something of himself and he’s not going to let anyone get in his way. He’s gonna make it outta here, not just him, but his boy too. His Namsu. The last three days replays in his head, Namgyu’s eyes always watching and Thanos liking it most when it’s directed at him. The whispered promises of leaving once they get to a billion won. Them being so fucking high they have to lean on eachother just to walk. Namgyu's face when he asks for pills. It plays on a loop in his head and maybe it’s his high still fucking with his head, but the touch of Namgyu’s hand on his feels so warm. He wants to feel it everywhere.
The feelings of relief and joy overwhelm him and the need to not want to be alone. To have someone to share it with. The need to share it with the only person who could understand. To share it with someone who looks so captivating even when they’re just tucking their hair behind his ear and their face is splotched with other people's blood.
Before Thanos even realizes it he’s closed the distance between the two, the freckles dusting Namgyu’s cheeks looking like stars in the sky to Thanos in his current state.
“What is it?” Namgyu asks, confused by the sudden close proximity.
Thanos doesn’t think about what he does next, which has been both his biggest strength and weakness in life, but it’s how he’s always been ever since he was a kid. Never thinking things through, his wants always guiding him the most. As for his wants right now, to let Namgyu’s warmth engulf him, to connect with Namgyu in a way he’s never had before. So with the way he knows best, his hands wind up holding Namgyu’s face in his hands and pulls him in for a kiss. Even with Namgyu’s stiff response, kissing Namgyu makes Thanos feel like a human being. Something he hasn’t felt since he got in these stupid ass games. Something he hasn’t felt in months if he wanted to keep it one hundred percent real. It makes his heart race and it makes every nerve in his body feel alive too. It ends abruptly with a rough push against his chest.
“What the fuck, bro?!” Namgyu says putting the back of his hand to his mouth and wiping at his lips. “I’m not some fucking homo,” he tells him.
There’s a pain that emerges from the center of Thanos' brows, making him pinch his nose as the reality of what he did just hits him.
He kissed a fucking dude. Not just any dude, Namsu. He likes girls, truly, they’re the hottest beings that have ever graced the universe, he always has, he’s not gay. There's no way he can be after all the pussy he's had.
“Me neither, man,” Thanos agrees, because he isn’t. It makes no sense.
Not even his current high can block out the words his father would throw around whenever he managed to drunkenly stumble back home, telling him to cut his hair back in high school, stop painting his nails, that no son of his is some. . . forget it, that fucking drunk had no idea what he was talking about. He’s probably fucked more chicks than that piece of shit could ever dream of.
Namgyu snickers and if this room wasn’t red already Thanos would be seeing it now.
“You sure?” Namgyu taunts, talking to him like he’s fucking Minsu or something. Thanos grabs Namgyu by his jacket and slams the other’s back against the wall, reminding him who the fuck he’s talking to. Namgyu grimaces at the impact, but is quick to put on a tough face after.
“If you ever tell anyone about what happened in here, I’ll chop your fucking hands off and mail them to your fucking boss. Good luck serving drinks at your little club with no hands, my boy,” he threatens him. Namgyu’s eyes dart across Thanos’ face, trying to get a read on him.
“Chill out,” is what Namgyu says in an attempt to bring down the tension, but fails entirely. Thanos isn’t fucking around with him this time. His second chance is just getting started he doesn’t need some rumors going around that he fucks dudes. Unlike Namgyu he actually has a reputation he’s gotta uphold.
Thanos pushes Namgyu against the wall once again. “Not a single fucking soul,” he repeats to him. “Say it,” because he needs to hear it. His heartbeat pounds in his ears with worry of what Namgyu could do, he just needs to promise not to say that shit and everything will be fine.
“You think I wanna tell anyone about this,” he says with a smug smirk on his face and it’s close to what Thanos wants to hear but not fucking close enough.
“Say it!” Thanos demands. Namgyu’s eyes search Thanos’ face again. Eyes Thanos needs to stop fucking paying so much attention to. After getting a good read it finally clicks into place for Namgyu, but even though he gets what Thanos wants from him the smirk on his face doesn’t falter, or maybe it’s because he does get it, that makes him feel more sure than ever.
“I won’t tell a soul,” he tells him with a look of faux innocence on his face.
Thanos can see through that bullshit, but he doesn’t have it in him to try to analyze whatever weird shit is going in Namgyu’s pretty little head, not pretty, fuck, average looking, his average looking head, ah whatever, what Namgyu just said is good enough for now.
He lets go of Namgyu’s green tracksuit jacket, leaving behind wrinkles from where he had held it in his grip.
”Good. Listen. . . I just. . . got caught up in the moment. It didn’t mean shit,” Thanos tells him, hesitant in a way he usually isn’t.
“And tripping major balls,” Namgyu supplies and it eases Thanos’ thinly veiled doubt for a moment. “Don’t sweat it,” he tells him but by the time the words leave his mouth, Thanos’ moment of reprieve is already over.
Not sweating it is fucking easier said than done. Like if he had a choice in the matter, he'd rather not be thinking about this. Doesn’t want to acknowledge that kissing a dude didn’t feel as weird as he was always led to believe. How it even felt right in some ways. That even just looking at Namgyu right now, who is all easy grins yet sharp eyes, and a stupid mouth that still looks so fucking kissable.
Shit! he curses. Shit, goddamn. fucking fuck, shit.
Thanos takes a sudden step back as if being within such close distance to Namgyu will set him ablaze. It is what he needs though, distance, to be in his own goddamn space for five minutes. Enough time for him to clear his head and screw it back on right. Or maybe it’s this place making him finally lose his mind, all the death and shit is finally starting to get to him. Just one more game and he’s getting the fuck outta here. Far away from this hellhole and far away from. . . yeah, and as far away from him as he can get. Pick up some hot chicks, fuck their brains out, and remember how being with a woman makes him feel. That’ll fix this. He’s a thousand percent sure of it.
After taking a couple of steps further away from the only other person in this cramped ass room they’re in Thanos’ back hits the wall and he runs a hand down his face. He keeps his eyes shut not wanting to look at anything right now. He then wonders why his pills have to start wearing off right now. He wants to forget that this shit ever fucking happened, he’s forgotten so much shit when he’s gotten high enough, so why can’t this just be another thing to add to the list. He knows it in his gut though that he’s no longer high enough for it to be true. He hears Namgyu laugh to himself and Thanos can’t help but feel a dark pit of envy consume him at the noise. Namsu’s having a good ass trip and here he is suffering. Like his brain feeling that it wants to explode into tiny pieces and that this room is too fucking red, it’s making his eyes hurt. Also that the goddamn tractor picking up dead bodies outside is beeping way too goddamn loud in his ear, so loud that it feels like it is drilling a hole in his skull and that this room is too small and that there's not enough air for the both of them. He needs to get out. He. . . he needs to pull it the fuck together.
So with a deep sigh he musters the courage to open his eyes to follow the noise of the laughter to see a perfectly content Namgyu, a stark contrast to a very distressed looking Thanos.
”What’s so funny? Thanos asks, doing a bad job over how bitter he is that Namgyu’s seemingly having such a great time right now while he’s going through some crisis. No he’s not, a crisis would mean that there’s something there that doesn’t fucking exist, he’s just confused. . . confused? Fuck that shit, forget it, right now he’s not fucking anything. Whatever. What he does know is that he wants to laugh too. Deserves it actually.
”You,” Namgyu answers and Thanos tsks.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. Just remembering you telling me that I wouldn’t be able to handle it and now look at us,” he explains and Thanos’ ongoing spiral blinds him from any potential humor that Namgyu’s statement could provide. In fact it’s the opposite of funny. . . it’s nonfunny or some shit.
”I can handle this shit better than you,” he says, sounding almost petulant. He pops open his necklace and displays one of his pills. “I’ve been taking these babies for months and this is my first bad trip,” he lets Namgyu know, his tone undoubtedly defensive.
“If you say so, man.”
“Thanos does say so.”
Namgyu’s still on a good fucking trip, so he finds whatever Thanos says amusing if that chuckle is anything to go by.
Whatever, Thanos thinks but can’t help but feel like he’s losing his edge. So fixes his posture and stands up straight and widens his shoulders. Those pink guards outside take for fucking ever to clean up those bodies, but it’s kind of a good thing. It gives time for the hurricane that was brewing inside of Thanos’ body to settle down to some waves that would happen in a kiddie pool, calming almost. Cooling on a hot summer day. Enough time for him to stop thinking and stare off into part of the wall and just be.
“You never finished telling me what you were going to do with the money,” Namgyu says, deciding to strike a conversation, seeing as they’re not going to get out anytime soon. “You’ll pay off your debt and then what?”
“Probably celebrate at a club first,” Thanos decides to answer, going along with the conversation because there’s shit else to do in here. “Fuck some hot babes,” he adds, that part feeling more crucial than ever to mention.
“Right, of course,” Namgyu says with a smile, but Thanos can’t tell if he’s fucking with him or not.
“The hottest babes,” he emphasizes and Namgyu nods. “And then if I have enough, go fully independent. Break free from my shitty fucking label and produce my own music,” he finishes explaining and Namgyu looks astonished by that answer, which is like what the fuck bro, he didn’t even say anything weird.
“You’d still make music?”
“Of fucking course, like shit. . . that’s my first love. True love at that, my boy. Went to school for it and everything,” he answers.
“Like college?”
“Yeah. Got my master’s and everything, I don’t fucking play about my girl,” he explains and Namgyu chuckles.
“You’re fucking with me. You went to college?”
“Don’t believe me you little shit. I got a picture of a degree on my phone. Check this— shit those bastards have my phone. I’ll show you when we get out.”
Namgyu looks impressed as he takes that bit of information in and Thanos thinks, as he should, because what about him isn’t impressive.
Namgyu tucks a piece of loose hair behind his ear and Thanos doesn’t want to think about why that action from him grabs his attention so much, before the look of awe leaves Namgyu’s face and it turns into something Thanos can’t quite get a read on.
“Aside from music. . . you ever been in love?” Namgyu asks, gaze intense, but Thanos isn’t a pussy so he doesn’t let the sudden pressure that’s filled the room get to him.
Thanos thinks about all the girls he’s been with. The good times. The bad times. How none of them ever lasted that long. How aside from being sexually compatible there was always something that never clicked. Something missing.
He just. . . hasn’t found the right one yet.
“Nah,” he says, answer simple and straight to the point, but it’s the afterwards that feels like its more. That the way he and Namgyu are looking at each other now is speaking a language Thanos doesn’t quite fully understand, a part of him thinks maybe he shouldn’t ask this next question, because of what it could mean, but as previously established he’s not some pussy. “What about you, my boy, you ever been in love?” he asks.
“No,” Namgyu says, not breaking eye contact once and Thanos ignores the part of him that feels relieved at that answer. “Can’t say that I have.”
Thanos doesn’t remember the last time he felt like this, where just words back and forth sent a current through his system. Where it wasn’t just going through the motions, but like these games in its own weird way. Fun, exciting. . . terrifying. Thanos prepares to ask Namgyu what he would do once he gets out of here, but the moment gets undone by the sound of the door unlocking.
“Fucking finally,” Namgyu says opening the door and along with it every bit of weird air that transpired in that room.
Fucking finally, Thanos agrees, hoping that finally getting out of there brings him back to his senses and focused on the more important things like making sure he can play one more game. Speaking of which, where the fuck is Minsu? He hopes he didn’t die, he’s really going to need his vote now more than fucking ever. He also hopes he doesn’t take him picking Namgyu over him personally, he feels like Minsu had to have seen that one coming
As Thanos takes in Namgyu’s retreating form, noticing the way his dark hair sways side to side as he walks, he wonders if maybe he really should have picked Minsu instead.
With an arm wrapped around his sweet boy Minsu, Thanos knows just how to play this. All Minsu needs is a little bit of love, attention, and the right amount of pressure and he’ll surely vote O. He’s even showing him a new song he’s been working on since he’s been in here, what is there not to enjoy about this moment.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Namgyu says, cutting off Thanos mid rap, “look at those two,” he finishes as he points over to Myunggi holding hands with some chick with her undercut dyed blonde.
“What’s going on?” Thanos asks.
“Maybe they’re a thing,” Namgyu reasons.
Thanos takes a look up and is met with the back of Namgyu’s head as he stares off at MG Coin attempting to smash some girl. The reality of Thanos’ own pent up state and what that led to bangs like a gong in his head. That. . . never happened, is what he’s trying to convince himself as the feeling of Namgyu’s mouth against his own makes his skin prickle.
Thanos swallows down some saliva and whatever it is he’s not feeling towards another dude.
“That bastard sure is lucky. Even in a place like this,” he comments with a scoff, but he means it. Why does MG Coin get to have everything while he. . . the world’s so goddamn unfair. It makes him so. . . so fucking angry. Why can’t things for once just go in his favor. When will he stop feeling like such a loser? The pills in his cross suddenly weigh heavy on his neck, tempting him to drown out this feeling, but he refuses because he’s limited himself to one per day. He can’t make it through these games if he runs out and Namgyu’s already taking half of his supply, so he really has to ration this shit out as long as possible.
It seems that Minsu did take him picking Namgyu personally, that little shit. The vote ended in a stupid tie. Fuck, he thinks as he feels his chance at starting over slipping from his fingers. He’s so fucking pissed he doesn't even want to eat right now. So instead of waiting in line for whatever half assed meal they’re gonna give out he walks off the restrooms needing to get away from every one of those losers. Namgyu doesn’t seem to get the hint as Thanos hears a pair of footsteps following close behind him. He could have stayed and gotten something to eat, bro doesn’t need to follow him everywhere, but oh well it’s too fucking late now.
They exit the hallway and enter the restrooms, leaving the pair away from all the other players, at least for right now. Quickly after entering Thanos feels a hand on his shoulder so he stops walking and turns to face Namgyu.
“Thanos, I was wondering. . . can I have one of the pills?” he asks and Thanos smirks because it's all making sense to him now. Namgyu’s just a little puppy chasing a bone. It’s to be expected of the little junkie. “The vote y’know. . . its just got me stressed out. Just one will make me chill out, man,” he explains, all pleading and desperate eyes. It’s cute, really.
“No,” Thanos still answers and Namgyu balks. “I already gave you one today. Your junkie ass is gonna make me run out,” he tells him and even though he was being completely rational the furrow in Namgyu’s brow and the clench in his jaw make it clear how much Namgyu doesn't like that answer.
“Please, Thanos,” he says as he fiddles with the ring on his finger.
“What part of no don’t you get my boy,” he tells him. Feeling like that cleared things up, Thanos begins walking to sink to run some water over his hands and clean his face up as best he can, unbeknownst to him Namgyu refuses to give up so clearly.
“If you don’t, I’m gonna tell everyone how much you secretly like to take it up the ass,” Namgyu threatens him.
Thanos suddenly stops in his tracks and even though it’s just words, like dudes have literally threatened to beat his ass or kill him, but this scares him more than any of those. His hands shake at the thought of that becoming a reality. Of Namgyu running his stupid mouth and putting that out there. How one of the stupid pink guards might have heard him just now.
His body acts before his mind can catch up, he grabs Namgyu and drags him into one of the stalls and pins him against the wall not bothering to hold back with how much force he does it with. Namgyu winces at the pain his head feels from the slam, but Thanos doesn’t feel any remorse for it. The bastard had it coming.
“You said you wouldn’t tell anybody about that shit,” he reminds him.
“And I won’t if you just give me one of those fucking pills,” he says, having the audacity to think he can make the shots. Thanos pulls Namgyu closer and slams him against the stall wall again.
“You’re lucky I’m not killing you and adding whatever little you're worth to that big shiny piggy bank. You’re not getting shit,” he tells him. “Where did you work again? Club Pentagon? If you even think about telling anyone, I’ll let your boss know all about those free drinks you’d give out and how much of junkie you really are, don’t think he’d appreciate you cutting into his bottom line like that, Namsu,” Thanos says, coming in with his own threats this time and with the glare on Namgyu’s face they seem to be effective ones.
“I. . .” Namgyu starts, eyes glossy. “I fucking need just one. One. That’s it,” he tries again. “I feel like I’m fucking losing it in here, I just need to forget for a bit, please,” Namgyu asks desperation written all over his face and voice.
“Not happening,” Thanos says because if Namgyu is expecting him to pity him after that fucking stunt, he really must be a fucking idiot. Namgyu’s hands wrap around his wrist, surely an attempt to get him to let go.
“Then,” Namgyu starts and before Thanos could even attempt to think about where the rest of that sentence is headed, Namgyu is the one closing the distance between them and Thanos is the one to let go and back away.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he asks, confused, by Namgyu, by this place, by himself, by all of it. Truly, what the fuck is going on, he can’t make sense of it.
“You liked it, didn’t you?” Namgyu asks and he’s speaking fucking normally but it sounds so goddamn loud. Like it’s echoing in this empty ass restroom.
“I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about. I told you already, I’m not fucking gay, so get that through you’re thick skill, you piece of—”
“You get this look in your eyes when you really like something, that’s how I knew your favorite drinks back at Pentagon,” he explains and Thanos doesn’t get what that has to do with anything. “You had it back when you kissed me,” he adds.
“Shut your goddamn mouth,” Thanos warns, crowding Namgyu’s space.
“It made you forget this place, right? Made you feel human even if just for a second,” Namgyu explains and Thanos feels stunned. It’s like he read his mind. “I get it,” he tells him and Thanos believes him, knows it’s not just words people say because they feel they need to. Namgyu has always gotten him in a way nobody else really has. “It freaked me out, because I’m not gay and you’re not gay either,” he tells him and he’s right, but also if this was supposed to make Thanos any less confused, it’s not fucking working.
“What are you even saying, bro?” he asks, the prickling skin making a return. Feeling like a cat ready to pounce or run away at any moment. Flight or fucking fight.
“I’m saying. . . fuck. . . I guess I’m saying I want to feel like that right now and if you’re not going to give me a fucking pill, then help me out. I know you liked it.”
“I’m not gay.”
“Me neither.”
Thanos can easily walk away, nothing’s holding him here. The thing is Namgyu’s right, Namgyu always seems to be right when it comes to him. A part of him wants leave, just to prove a point, show that Namgyu knows nothing about him. Yet he wants what Namgyu described so much more and when has Thanos ever ignored going after what he wants the most.
What the fuck am I doing? He thinks as closes the door to the stall and locks them inside, this time not by these games, but by choice.
“This doesn’t mean anything,” Thanos tells him.
“Of course not,” Namgyu agrees.
With that being made clear, it’s like the dam holding back all the things Thanos has been trying to ignore the past couple of hours, maybe even months since he’s been a bit of a dry spell, or even the hidden truth he’s spent decades ignoring breaks and it all comes rushing out. Their mouths take no time colliding with one another in an almost frenzied state. Desperate for contact. Desperate to feel anything but despair and like their lives aren’t literally on the line.
This time around he stops holding onto what he should be feeling and just is. Just exists in the moment with Namgyu and if it’s wrong, so fucking be it, right now he doesn’t give a fuck. He feels alive and breathing and that’s all that fucking matters. He brings his hands up to hold Namgyu’s head in his hands, clinging onto like a lifeline. The kiss from earlier already had his heart racing, but it pales in comparison to actually having Namgyu kiss him back this time. Namgyu grabs a hold of Thanos’ cross and uses it to pull Thanos closer, their heat radiating off of one another, before licking into Thanos mouth with unsatiated hunger which Thanos eagerly returns. It’s sloppy and messy but so undeniably them that Thanos never wants to escape it.
After a while kissing Namgyu’s lips aren’t enough anymore, he wants to. . . he wants to kiss him everywhere. He moves down to kiss and lap at Namgyu’s neck, enjoying the way Namgyu’s breath hitches against his chest. The way it sounds in his ear like a sweet melody created just for him. He bites down harder than he should have, it’s probably going to leave a mark, but right now he’s beyond caring, and the way Namgyu mewls he doesn’t think the other minds it too much either.
“Thanos,” Namgyu lets out and the way he says sends blood straight down to Thanos’ dick. He wishes he were in a studio to record such a sound. Wants to hear it on a loop over and over again until it’s engraved in his brain.
He realizes what he has right now is better than recording, he’s got it live, all he has to do is be good enough to make Namgyu say it like that again and again. It’s a challenge he’s certainly willing to take. With a tug at Namgyu’s jacket he makes more room himself and trails his mouth between the crook of Namgyu’s neck and shoulder. Namgyu seemed to like the teeth so he nips at it again and the satisfied sigh has been the best noise he’s heard from Namgyu yet. Thanos’ hands travel down between Namgyu’s open jacket to hold his waist, broader and more solid than he’s ever experienced with a girl. Different but appetizing all the same. So good that Thanos tightens his hold wanting to leave an impression behind, leave behind a claim on them. That he was there.
“Thanos,” Namgyu says again and Thanos feels like a man who just got on land after being lost at sea. He’s right where he needs to be. He doesn’t believe in a higher power, but if he did he was created to take part in this.
Namgyu’s nimble fingers wind up in Thanos' hair, pulling at it in just the right way to make moans and whimpers leave Thanos’ throat. After deciding he wants Thanos’ mouth back on his, he gives Thanos’ hair a harsh tug before pulling his head back up. Their mouths slot perfectly against one another as if designed for one another, clicking into perfect place.
Nothing lasts forever and everything comes to a screeching halt when the sound of the door opening marks the entrance of other players. They pull away from one another just barely leaving a string of saliva still tying them to one another, before Thanos is the one to wipe at his mouth and take a step back. He looks at Namgyu’s flushed face and kissed out lips and no matter how much he wants to blame this on being pent up, knows that this isn’t just a one time thing for him. He doesn’t know what that makes him and maybe it doesn’t fucking matter, he’s not gay, but he still wants Namgyu all the same.
Namgyu readjusts his clothes and does his best to look as presentable as someone can after three days of no shower, playing death games, and kissing a dude.
“You should leave first,” Namgyu says and Thanos feels something in him crack at the casualness of which he says it. “Don’t want anyone getting any weird ideas,” he explains and he’s. . . right, but it’s strange how just a few minutes ago he once feared anyone even thinking he might be gay and now. . . he thinks why should he give a fuck about what anyone thinks about him and Namgyu.
The thing that’s getting at Thanos the most is that maybe he’s alone in this, that this really is a means to an end for Namgyu.
He’s tripping. One kiss with a dude and he thinks he’s catching feelings. He doesn’t have time for that shit. Namsu is right, he’ll uh. . . he’ll leave first.
“You’re right, man,” he agrees. He brings up a fist and Namgyu looks surprised for a moment before putting on a lazy smile and bumping it. “One more game?” he asks.
“One more game.”
They share a smile and Thanos exits the bathroom stall. As he walks over to sink Minsu comes stumbling in and Thanos’ smile grows wide at his turn of luck, that’s just the man he wanted to talk to.