Chapter Text
It felt like everything was slipping away. The very thing that was holding his world together was gone, and now he was left with the pieces. The pieces of who they used to be. A fragment of the family he once cherished now seems like a far away dream. Some nights he wakes up questioning if it was even real. Like maybe he never woke up from his coma dream, or maybe he never even made it that far. What if this was just some weird life he made up to cope with the fact that he never had a family? That the closest thing he had to one before the 118 was Maddie, who he didn’t even speak to. The thought quickly goes out the window, because he figures if it were a dream, it wouldn’t hurt so much. He wouldn’t wake up everyday in agonizing pain, just to dread going to work, something he used to love. It took him losing one of the only people who understood him, to realize it wasn’t so much the job, but the people. He did love the job. It made him feel important, but the people surrounding him were the reason he stayed. He stayed for his family, because they needed him just as much as he needed them. So no, he didn’t think it was all just a dream. A make believe life, and as much as it hurt he didn’t want it to be fake. He’s had his fair share of nightmares, that’s kept him awake for months, but he’d still rather go through a million nightmares and wake up, then go through this terrible one and not wake up at all. Because that’s all they were. Just dreams. Your subconscious, mocking you. Throwing your biggest fears and insecurities in your face. But then you get the luxury of waking up. You get that relief when you realize it wasn’t real. That’s all he wants. He just wants to know that this isn’t real. That he hasn’t lost his family. That he didn’t just have to imagine they all still ate together while they listened to his random facts. He didn’t have to come up with scenarios in his mind so that someone would talk to him when he was lonely.
But this was real. They don’t eat together. They get annoyed when pretty much anything comes out of his mouth. And he goes back to his house everyday at the end of shift alone. No one was waiting for him when he walked through the door. It was dark. And cold. It felt like he was walking the halls of Hogwarts alone because of how big it felt. Because it was bigger when he didn’t have anyone to fill the space. To fill the void. It was cold when he wasn’t sitting next to Eddie, pressed shoulder to shoulder, because it was the closest they could get without crossing a line. A line they’ve been dancing on since the very first day they met.
It was boring without Chris. He got so much joy asking what he had done at school that day. He would give anything to go back. He feels like he missed out on so much when he was in Texas. Chris grew up, but Buck was having trouble with it. He knows Chris doesn’t really want to go to the zoo anymore, which is understandable since he’s almost 15. He just wishes he knew it would have been the last time. Which sounds cliche, trust me he knows, but maybe if he knew, they would have stayed longer. Maybe he would have cherished it more. Took more pictures of them. It feels like the older Chris gets, the less he’ll need Buck. He didn’t need to babysit him anymore. There was really no reason for them to hang out, except for the pure fact that he just wanted to. But it wasn’t the same. Because Chris had changed. But Buck didn’t.
It was quiet without Chim and Maddie. No food laid out on the table for family dinners anymore. Which he guesses were fine since he never really felt like eating. They were busy with the baby and Gee, so he understands why they haven’t been over as much. And he’s not mad about it. He would never ask Maddie to come over instead of taking care of her children. Buck just misses when it was just the two of them sometimes, even though he’s so grateful and proud of her. Just him and Maddie against the world.
And with Hen, he was glad to just be in her presence. She’d let him talk for hours about whatever was on his mind. Try to one up him by saying something medical. Which he’s proud to say he understood a little bit of it from when he used to get bored and read Maddie’s medical books when they were younger.
Now he just sits and wonders when it all changed. Was it when Bobby died? Before that? Or maybe they’ve finally all gotten sick of him like he always thought. He knows it’s tough. They all lost Bobby. They’re all grieving the same person differently. Sometimes it doesn’t mix. Eddie turned to anger. I mean him and Buck haven’t had an actual conversation that didn’t feel awkward in so long. And anytime they did, it somehow always ends in an argument. It was a pattern Buck was very familiar with by now. Eddie got mad at the world, then took it out on Buck and Buck would let him, because he knew it was how he processed emotions. He knew it was the only emotion that was manly enough to please his father growing up. He would let Eddie say just about anything even though it hurt, if it made feel a little better. It’s why he never said anything. Buck just thought with the therapy it would have dialed down a notch.
Hen made sure she was there for her family. For Karen and their kids. Constantly reassuring them that she’d be extra careful at work today. She knows how scared they all were after the incident. She didn’t want to scare them anymore then she already had. So she focused all her energy on them, which again, Buck can understand. He wants Hen to be there for her family. So he stepped back, and let her grieve how she wanted.
Chimney tries to act like it doesn’t bother him that he was the one to take Bobby’s place as captain. He tells everyone he’s fine, but Buck can see through it. He can see the hesitation every time he gives an order. Buck knows he’s trying to think of what Bobby would do. He just wishes Chim could understand that he doesn’t need to be like Bobby to be a good Captain.
Ravi’s pretty quiet. He doesn’t think he has a right to say much since he didn’t know Bobby as long as everyone else. But it still hurts him. Everyday he gets up he has to remind himself that Bobby isn’t here. Actually Buck thinks he’s the closest to Ravi now. Ravi lets him rant, but also gives him a necessary reality check when he needs one. He doesn’t judge Buck on how he grieves, and when Buck told him he thought Bobby was haunting him, he was the only one to hear him out. Yes he thought it was stupid, but he let Buck rant about it anyway.
He thinks a lot about that as he lies in his bed. He hasn’t fallen asleep yet, despite it being almost 4 in the morning. He has a shift in a few hours, but he can’t seem to turn his mind off. He keeps thinking about Eddie. About when things changed between them. When did it start feeling like a chore to be around him? It felt like he had to force himself to talk with Eddie because that’s what friends are supposed to do. He gets Eddie is having a hard time right now. Struggling with his faith, and losing Bobby. But Buck couldn’t even imagine saying half the stuff Eddie has said to him, no matter how angry he was. He doesn’t know how Eddie does it so easily. These last few months have been the hardest of his life, yet he doesn’t take it out on Eddie, or anyone for that matter. He knows Eddie is grieving, he just wishes someone was there for him as well. You can only stand for so long with someone constantly leaning on you before you fall.
When Buck enters the station later that morning, it’s quiet. He can just make out the chatter from upstairs, but even that seemed so far away. He doesn’t pay any mind to it, instead heading towards the locker room to get changed. When he gets there he sees Eddie talking with Hen, though they stop the moment they see him.
“Hey Buckaroo, how was your night? Talk to any more ghosts?” Buck knows she wasn’t trying to be mean. To her it was just a joke, but Buck wasn’t really in the mood. He walks past them to his locker before changing into his uniform.
“Nope.” Eddie let his eyes follow Buck’s movements, just for a moment before changing as well.
“Bobby didn’t haunt you last night?” Buck didn’t know why it felt different coming from Eddie. He turns to look Eddie in the eyes. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for. But he finds himself looking away shortly after, and pretends he didn’t notice the touch of hazel that coated the outskirts of his eyes. He thought it mixed perfectly with the brown.
“No it uh, it wasn’t Bobby.” Eddie feigns shock.
“Really? You don’t say?” Buck turns to look at Eddie once more, trying to catch his eyes. He’s unsuccessful, but tries not to let it faze him. But even Buck couldn't stop the anger filling his eyes.
“Yea, it was uh, actually the old tenant. Turns out he didn’t move out when we all thought and he’s been living in my attic since I moved in. So no the noises weren’t Bobby, it was just some sick man messing with me. Glad you’re so relieved it wasn’t his ghost though.” This time Eddie actually looks at Buck but by the time his eyes meet the uniform clinging to Buck’s chest, the blue eyes are gone. Hidden behind his locker, so he doesn’t have to face Eddie’s surprise.
“What?” Hen pays no mind to Eddie’s words, just gets up and walks towards Buck to place a hand on his shoulder. He shivers at the touch, everything seeming more cool than normal.
“Oh my gosh, Buck are you okay?” He tries not to roll his eyes, just takes a deep breath and closes the locker after everything is put away. He has a 12 hour shift ahead of him, and he can already tell it’s gonna be a long one.
“Yea I’m fine. I charged him with tresspassing, illegal lodging, and vandalism, so he won’t be a problem anymore.” This shocked both Eddie and Hen. They continue the conversation once they’re up in the loft, where they meet Chimney sitting at the table with a coffee mug in hand.
“You seem surprised.” At this Chim lifts his head, already trying to nose his way into the conversation. Before Hen can speak up, Eddie beats her to the punch.
“Well yea, I’m a little surprised. It just doesn’t seem like something you would do.” Now Chim is really intrigued.
“What’s going on? What wouldn’t Buck do?” They all seem to sidestep his question as Buck angrily turns around to face Eddie, almost ramming right into him.
“Yea because you’re such an expert on what I do. You’d actually have to be around to know those things.” Eddie takes a step back to hold up his hands in defence.
“Woah, sorry for being concerned.” Buck studies Eddie carefully. The crease in his eyebrows tells him that Eddie isn’t lying. But Buck knows Eddie better than anyone. He’s not concerned about the intruder, he’s concerned for Buck. He knows it’s not like himself to lash out, and Eddie knew that too, so instead of saying what he really wanted to say, he figures he should cut him some slack.
“No, I'm sorry. I just, I just didn’t have a great night.” Eddie didn’t believe Buck. Buck knew it. But before either of them could say anything, Chim spoke over them.
“Hello? Does anyone want to tell me what the hell is going on?” Buck sighs, not wanting to have this conversation again.
“They’ll tell you, or ask Ravi, he was there.” Eddie quirks his head up.
“Ravi? Why was he there?” Buck takes a coffee mug from the top shelf and pours some coffee, he’s gonna need it for today.
“Yea, he came over last night to uh, hang out.” Buck was already embarrassed at the fact that he was trying to talk to Bobby through a ouija board, and even though he’s pretty sure they all know what he means, he doesn’t want to repeat himself. Once his coffee is done, he goes over and takes a seat at the end of the table. He can almost hear Eddie’s thoughts from across the table, he just didn’t know what they were saying. So he looks up to meet Eddie’s eyes, and he can now see the confusion and uncertainty.
“Is that a problem?” Eddie clears the words in his throat, pushing back what he actually wanted to say.
“No, I just, didn’t know you guys hung out, outside of work.” At that, Buck rolls his eyes, not being able to hold back his attitude.
“I asked you first, actually I invited you and Chris. You said no, so instead of spending yet another holiday alone, I invited my friend over.” Eddie scoffs.
“What and he actually wanted to talk to Bobby’s ghost through a ouija board? Maybe you guys are more alike than I thought.” Eddie didn’t know why he was acting this way. He knew Buck was allowed to have other friends, and it’s true, he really didn’t want to go. So he didn’t know why he was so bothered by this.
“No he didn’t Eddie. He didn’t want to spend his night playing along with my delusions, but he did anyway. And when we found out that it was just some random dude messing with me, I asked him why he went along with it. Wanna know what he said?” Eddie was silent. Everyone was for that matter. It wasn’t often Buck got angry, and even now, he seemed more tired than angry. Like he was tired of feeling this way. Eddie just didn’t know what he was feeling. When he said nothing Buck continued.
“He said he stayed because he knew I needed it. Which is what you should’ve done. Not that Ravi isn’t good company, but it was supposed to be you Eddie.” Eddie huffs, sitting down a few chairs down from where Buck was sitting. He was really tired of fighting with Buck, but he couldn't help but go on the defensive. He doesn’t know why he always does that. He’s sure Buck is tired of it too.
“I didn’t come because I don’t want my kid around that stuff. That is an unhealthy coping mechanism Buck and you need to stop. Bobby wasn’t in your house, he’s not anywhere. You need to move on.” And Buck being Buck, stays silent. He lets Eddie’s words sink in as new emotions flood his head. Flood through every inch of his body, every nerve. He can feel the desperation fill his gut, and the tears fill his eyes as he stares at his best friend. He doesn’t want to believe that Bobby isn’t anywhere. Last year they were all sitting around the table, laughing and making jokes, and now Buck sits around the family he doesn’t have anymore. He feels so disconnected it’s almost unbearable. After a few moments when Buck realizes that Eddie isn’t walking away like he usually does, he gets up instead. He walks past Eddie, almost to the stairs before he stops. ‘No.’ He thinks. He’s had enough. Eddie has no problem saying what’s on his mind, saying how he feels, so why should Buck be afraid to do the same thing. So before he can change his mind, he turns back around and walks towards Eddie, stopping just a few feet in front of him.
“No. This conversation isn’t over.” Eddie turns around startled, expecting Buck to have just walked away like he usually does.
“What?” Buck barely lets Eddie finish his sentence.
“No, we’re not done. You know if you didn’t want Chris to be around that, you could have said that in so many other ways. ‘No Buck I don’t really think it’s a good idea for Chris to participate in that stuff.’ ‘I don’t really want to, but we can go over to do something else so you’re not alone.’ No, instead you put me down. Called me delusional. Made me feel like I was crazy for wanting to feel Bobby’s presence, when that’s all I've tried to do since he died. And maybe I could have been more considerate of the whole ouija board thing, so I apologize for that. But you were still rude, and defensive, and repulsed by the fact that I wanted to talk to Bobby again.” It took everything in Buck to not apologize for lashing out. For raising his voice. He hated it, but if he didn’t no one would take what he was saying seriously.
“I don’t know what you want from me Buck.” He waits for Eddie to continue, to spew some apology even if it was half-assed, but is met with silence. Buck scoffs once he realizes that’s all Eddie was planning on saying.
“I want you to apologize, and admit what you said was rude and out of line. Which is ridiculous that I even have to ask you to do that. I said I was sorry for the whole ouija board thing, I wasn’t thinking and I know I was out of line, but yet you have nothing to say about you.” Eddie gets up from the chair to walk towards Buck. Every step he took was a step closer to falling over the edge. He just wanted to scream. He wanted to have a normal conversation with his best friend without it ending in a fight. Eddie didn’t know why it was so difficult now.
“You want me to apologize for not wanting my kid to talk to dead people through a supernatural board? He wasn’t in your house because he’s dead Buck. Gone. The sooner you stop being in denial, the better it will be for all of us.” Buck tilts his head to the side, anger filling his eyes at an alarming rate.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Again Eddie stays silent. He’s never seen Buck when he was this angry before. He was scared. Not of Buck hurting him. But scared Buck might hurt himself. It was a well known habit of Buck’s to act out and do something stupid that’ll get himself hurt when he feels like this. When he feels like his whole world is falling apart. When he wasn’t in control of the things happening around him. Part of it was for attention. Eddie wasn’t so sure he wanted to know what the other part was.
“I’m not in denial Eddie. I know he’s dead okay? I know he’s not coming back, but I need to believe that he’s out there somewhere, or up in heaven looking down on me cause I refuse to believe he just blinked out of existence when he died. I cannot handle the fact that he’s just gone. That I have to wake up everyday, without him, that I have to come here almost everyday, without him. You may be able to move on, and get on with your life because it’s been 7 months, but I can’t okay? I’ve tried and anytime I even think of moving on, and being happy without him, it feels like I’m dying. Like I’m suffocating. Like I’m drowning but there’s no land to swim to.” By the time he’s done, he’s breathing heavily. He wants to look away from Eddie, but can’t even think of facing everyone else right now. He doesn’t even know if they’re still in the room. He can see the tears in Eddie’s eyes, but Buck doesn’t know why he’s crying. Again, Eddie doesn’t say anything. He feels like an apology would just make things worse. Buck wipes the tears that stray from his eyes. He didn’t want to give Eddie the satisfaction of crying, but he was letting everything else out from the last 7 months so he might as well. So when the next one falls, he lets it reach the floor.
Buck takes a step back, shaking his head as he cries out a laugh.
“And I can’t even talk to my best friend about it, because your way of grieving is to get mad. To get angry, and I can’t anymore. I can’t handle being around you when everything that comes out of your mouth is said in anger. I have spent the last 7 months being your target when you’re mad at the world, but I can’t carry your grief too Eddie. You need to find someone else to yell at or get yourself help before you lose everything. Cause I promise you, whoever you find next won’t be as patient as I was.” He doesn’t let Eddie say anything else. He just turns on his heels and walks away. He makes it to the bottom of the stairs, before he can feel someone on his trail. When he felt the hand on his back, he immediately knew who it was.
“Wait, Buck.” Hen’s voice stops him from going any further.
“Hen I really just want to be by myself right now.” Buck explains.
“I know, and I’ll let you go in a minute, I just wanted to make sure you're okay.” Buck sighs. He knows what she meant by that. He guesses he can’t really blame her considering his past.
“You mean you came to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid.” Her hesitation tells Buck everything he needs to know.
“Hen I appreciate the concern, but you don’t need to baby me.”
“I’m not. Look Buck, I understand you feel upset, and probably really alone. But you’re not okay? Things may be tough right now, but you still have us. We’re still a family.” Buck feels the lump in his throat getting harder to control. Harder to stuff down. The words echoed in his mind, but pretty soon they were clouded by others.
‘Exhausting.’ ‘Selfish.’ ‘The best part about Cap’s cooking was that he didn’t talk about it.’ ‘You’re not the only one who lost him.’ ‘He’s not coming back. You need to move on.’ ‘That’s stupid and reckless like Buck.’ Trials And Tribulations Of Evan Buckley, A Tragedy In 97 Acts.’
“No we’re not.” He interrupts his own thoughts.
“Families eat together, and talk to each other outside of work. They’re there for each other when one of them feels like they’re drowning, and they notice it before the person brings it up. And I know this because I used to have it. What we have now? That sounds like the family I had before I joined the 118, if you can even call it that, except now it’s worse because I've gotten used to having a family. That’s why it hurt so much more when it got taken away. So no offence Hen. But no, we’re not a family.” He hesitates before taking a deep breath.
“We’re not much of anything anymore.” He walks away before she can convince him otherwise.