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Amanda pinched the bridge of her nose as she made her way down her apartment building hallway. It had been a long day, made even longer by Fin getting a call just as they were on their way out. They’d spent the next hour at the crime scene, and then another three at the hospital.
They hadn’t called Olivia in. She was having her first day off after eight consecutive days of chaos at the precinct, and neither she nor Fin wanted to take that away from her. They’d handled it, but it had taken a bit of time.
There was a glow of warm light spilling out from under the apartment door and Amanda smiled to herself, never tiring of getting to come home to Olivia. She found her keys and pushed in through the door, immediately clocking the energy in the apartment; wired, fraught, pulled tight. She called out to Olivia and rushed to the kitchen at the responding weak, “In here.”
Olivia was on the floor, pushed up against the cabinets. Her phone was gripped in her hand and Amanda could see it open to her contact. Tears were streaming down her face, her shoulders shivering. She was panicking.
“S-sorry,” Olivia said, gesturing to herself. “I’m just- I’ve been trying not to call. Sorry, I-”
“Hey, baby, it’s okay,” Amanda said, slowly crouching down to Olivia’s level on the floor and placing a kind and steady hand on her knee. “What’s going on?”
Olivia tried to drag in a breath but it was rough, serrated. “Feels,” she managed, clawing at her chest, “like you died."
“Okay,” Amanda nodded, understanding instantly. She gently pushed Olivia’s hair out of her face, wanting more than anything to reassure the woman in front of her, but knowing she shouldn’t. “Is it safe to challenge that?”
“No,” Olivia breathed out, panic wrapped around every inch of her body now. She shook her head, “I can’t.”
“Okay, my love,” Amanda reassured softly. “Where are you at?”
“A nine.”
Amanda felt a familiar spark of pain in her chest as she looked at her wife’s distress. This wasn't something she could fix; couldn't point her gun at it, couldn't call for a bus on her radio. This was Liv's brain taking her love for Amanda and twisting it into something evil, something self-harming. And there was nothing she could do to stop it. “Can you breathe with me?”
“Yes,” Olivia whispered, a constant cycle of fresh tears replacing the ones falling down her cheeks, the ones Amanda tried to tenderly wipe away.
Amanda focused, taking deep breaths and exaggerating the loudness of them so Olivia could follow her pace. She breathed in for four, held for four, breathed out for six. Over and over. She kept her gaze trained on Olivia, watching as she closed her eyes to concentrate all of her energy on matching Amanda's inhales and exhales.
Once it seemed like they'd managed to chip off some of her panic, Amanda spoke quietly. “Liv, honey. Where are you at now?”
Olivia opened her eyes. The tears were still steady but slower now, less furious. “Six.”
“Good,” Amanda smiled at her wife. “That's really good, baby.”
“I still need to-” Olivia said, trailing off. Amanda knew what she needed to do, there was no point in saying it out loud.
“Can we delay it?” Amanda carefully pushed. “Last time we did two minutes.”
“One minute, final offer,” Olivia said, raising her eyebrow with the smallest hint of playfulness. She was trying to show Amanda she was still here somewhere, underneath the terror.
Amanda grinned, grateful for the glimpse. “Sold,” she said, reaching into her pocket for her phone. She tapped on the alarm app and set a timer to count down from sixty. She took one of Olivia’s still shaking hands into her own and pressed start.
60. They watched the digits decrease slowly. 45. Olivia’s breathing started to pick up again, suffocating on the waiting. 30. Her jaw clenched, her grip tightened in Amanda’s grasp. 15. She shook her head as if she could dislodge the thoughts with the action. 0. Her eyes met Amanda’s, pleading for permission.
Amanda was right in front of her, alive and breathing, but she knew Olivia’s body wouldn’t understand that until it had felt proof. She nodded and watched as Olivia let her hand slip out of Amanda’s and find its way to her chest. Her hand was clammy over Amanda’s heartbeat, pressing with purpose as she counted nine Mississippi's.
9. The tension in the room slumped. Liv’s hand moved off Amanda’s chest and fell to her own lap instead. Her breathing evened out, her limbs loosened.
“Checking for aliveness,” Amanda murmured, just a truth spoken out loud. No weight to it, no judgement.
“Yeah,” Olivia nodded.
“I’m proud of you for breathing with me,” Amanda said. “Delaying the compulsion.”
The brunette shrugged, “Not my personal best.”
“No,” Amanda agreed lightly, letting her palm come up to cup Olivia’s face. She moved the pad of her thumb over the apple of her cheek, soothing. “But you got through it, Liv. You did great.”
Amanda turned the shower on and left her hand under the steady stream of water, waiting for it to heat up. Once it had, she moved over to Olivia who was sitting on the closed toilet seat lid, expression vacant and far away. “Baby,” Amanda murmured. “Shower’s ready.”
Olivia looked up at Amanda and smiled appreciatively. She started to unbutton her blouse but her hands were still unsteady and struggling with the buttons. “Can you help me?” she asked, giving up.
“My pleasure,” Amanda said, faux suggestively. She was trying to make Olivia smile - and it worked - but they both knew there was no heat here, no actual undertones. What they were doing together right now was only reverent.
She worked her way down Olivia’s buttons before pushing the soft fabric to the floor. Next was her bra, unclasped and straps dragged carefully over her shoulders, down her arms. She nudged her waist softly. “Stand up for me, baby.”
Olivia obliged, standing up and keeping her eyes on Amanda in a grateful worship. “I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you too,” Amanda replied, tucking a stray strand of Olivia's hair back behind her ear. She leaned forward and dropped a chaste kiss to Olivia's collarbone, wanting to make sure she could feel the mantra as well as hear it. Carefully, she continued the undressing of her wife before leading her to the now steaming shower.
Olivia let the water hit her face, sighing into the feeling of it washing her tears away. “It’s nice,” she said. “Are you coming in?”
“Yeah,” Amanda assured, ridding herself of her own clothes and squeezing into the tiled space with Olivia.
“I don’t know why it happened,” Olivia breathed out, chastising herself. “I knew you were going to be home late. It was stupid.”
“Hey,” Amanda said, reaching out to hold Liv’s face in her hands. “That brain of yours has been mean enough to you tonight, okay? No more.”
Amanda let go and Olivia bobbed her head up and down, wishing it were that easy. “I feel ashamed,” she admitted, trying to name her aftermath feelings to take their power away. “Embarrassed. Frustrated that you’re having to look after me when you’ve had a long day at work.”
“Where do you feel it?” Amanda asked.
“Here,” Olivia replied, her hand on her stomach. “And here,” she continued, tapping her forehead.
“Can I tell you something true?”
Olivia nodded, shifting slightly so she could feel the water on her back.
“Sometime soon, I’ll be the one having a hard day. And what I know for certain is that I will come home and you will hold me and run your fingers through my hair. You will make me a milky tea and gently push me to talk about it, and I’ll say I’m fine because I’m stubborn and silly.” The pair chuckled, knowing she was right. “And then you’ll tuck me into bed so I can finally admit what’s wrong, and you’ll do something impossibly sweet like… kiss my knuckles, so I know I’m not alone.”
Amanda waited, watching Olivia start to understand what she was getting at.
“We look after each other,” Olivia said.
“Yeah, baby,” Amanda smiled, confirming it. “We look after each other.”
Amanda changed their sheets while Olivia dried her hair. They moved around each other with a perfected ease as they got ready for bed, and met in the middle of the mattress with their knees touching. For a moment they just lay there, soaking in the other’s presence and letting things be still. Eventually, Olivia spoke quietly.
“I think I’m ready to challenge the bad thoughts now.”
“Are you sure?” Amanda checked. “We don’t have to.”
“I want to,” Olivia nodded, resolute. She didn’t actually want to, just knew she should and she felt safe to do it wrapped up under the duvet with Amanda.
Amanda kissed Olivia - small, just a brush of their lips, really. Enough. “Whenever you’re ready.”
Olivia reached out and wound her arm around Amanda’s waist, her fingertips dancing over the soft skin of her back. She needed the touch to ground her before she dragged her next words out of her throat, “You could die.”
“Attagirl,” Amanda celebrated, laughing when Olivia fixed her with an amused look that said, you’re ridiculous.
Olivia continued, “People die all the time so it’s something that could realistically happen. Also, you have a particularly dangerous job.”
“As do you,” Amanda said, but tonight was not about her own fears. Those were very real but they lived differently inside of her, more anticipated, more customary. “And if I did die?”
Brand new tears appeared in Olivia’s eyes – not harsh ones, though. Just proof of love. “Um,” she tried, before taking a deep breath. This was the hardest part. “I would be devastated. Heartbroken. I’d never be the same again. But our friends would support me.” Olivia paused, her brows pulling together. “I would miss you every second of every day.”
“But?” Amanda prompted.
“But I would - begrudgingly - survive,” Liv replied, obstinate and exposed at the same time.
“There you go,” Amanda beamed at her wife, knowing how hard it was for her to confront this topic. “Olivia Benson, you are the strongest person I know.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she said, playfully rolling her eyes. She drew her arm back from Amanda to wipe at the slow tears on her cheeks. “I hate saying it out loud.”
Amanda hummed, then said, “Saying it out loud doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.”
“Tell that to my psyche,” Olivia grinned, and they couldn’t help but laugh. It was nice to laugh together. It broke the heaviness of the evening, and Olivia felt some of the lingering anxiety break down. “How was your day? What happened with your case?”
“It was good. Long. Fin’s pretty good at your job, by the way,” she teased. She told her about the case – not enough to worry her, but enough to ease the brunette’s questions. She recounted funny things Fin had said, and explained the salad she’d picked at for lunch in detail. As she went on, her voice became softer, sleepier. Eventually, she stopped speaking altogether and just reveled in the warmth and closeness of Olivia instead.
“Liv?” she whispered into the darkness, knowing she wouldn’t be awake much longer. “Where are you at now?”
“One, honey. I’m good,” Liv assured her. “Get some sleep.” She leaned in and pressed a quiet and sure kiss to Amanda’s forehead. The blonde smiled, pleased by the delicate gesture, and shuffled over until her back was flush with Olivia’s front. She pulled at Olivia’s arm until it was around her before sinking into the embrace, held tight as she fell asleep.
Olivia smiled happily as Amanda’s hair tickled her face, feeling sleep tugging at her as well. She let it pull her under, knowing that her love was in her arms; alive, breathing. Real.