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“You want to tell me what’s wrong?” Aaron asked, going into the kitchen for breakfast. It was the third night in a row that Robert hadn’t been able to sleep well, tossing and turning. This was particularly concerning because Aaron knew he was a heavy sleeper normally. But Robert wasn’t talking.
“Nothing’s wrong,” he said, leaning against the sink, looking out of the window. They both knew he was lying, the rigid stance a giveaway if nothing else was.
“All right, fine,” Aaron said grumpily. If Robert didn’t want to talk, he couldn’t make him. Aaron grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl for breakfast, having no intention staying in the house longer than necessary if Robert didn’t want him here. “I’m going to work.”
“It’s way too early,” Robert said, turning and looking at him for the first time since Aaron had got up.
“Yeah, well I’d rather be there,” Aaron said grumpily. He zipped his hoodie up and turned for the door, only stopping when Robert grabbed his arm.
“It’s not you,” Robert said gently. “I know I’m a bit… out of it lately, but it’s nothing to do with you. I just need to get my head straight.”
“You could talk to me,” Aaron said. “Whatever it is… I'm here.”
“I know,” Robert said heavily. “Just give me some time.”
“Okay,” Aaron said, sensing not to push. Robert kissed him very gently before letting him go. Within a few seconds he was back to staring out the window and Aaron sighed, but left him to it.
“What’s up with you?” Adam asked, coming into the port cabin later that morning.
“Robert,” Aaron said shortly, shaking his head.
“What’s he done now?” Adam said.
“Nothing, he’s just in a mood,” Aaron said.
“Robert?” Victoria asked, coming in. “You forgot your keys,” she added to Adam, throwing them onto his desk.
“Yeah,” Aaron said. “You don’t know what’s wrong with him do you?”
“No,” Vic said. Then changed her mind, her eyes going wide with realisation. “Yes.”
“Well, which is it?” Aaron said impatiently.
“It’s dads birthday,” she said quietly. “Tomorrow. I… I’d forgotten the date.”
“That’ll explain it,” Aaron said, quickly getting up.
“Where’re you going?” Adam asked.
“To find him,” Aaron said shortly, closing the door behind him.
“I’m not in the mood,” Robert said shortly as he felt more than saw Aaron approaching. It was nearing midday and it’d taken a few hours for Aaron to find him, Robert not being at any of his usual haunts when he wanted time alone to think. He was leaning against a gate, looking over the farm and Aaron knew he wasn’t in the present.
“I’m here if you want to talk.”
“I don’t,” Robert said shortly.
“I’m here if you don’t,” Aaron said simply. He wasn’t leaving. After Robert standing by him like a rock over the past year, Aaron couldn’t leave him to his clearly negative thoughts alone.
“Vic told you?”
“About tomorrow? Yeah,” Aaron said. “I was moaning about how miserable you’d been lately.” Robert smiled at the ground for a moment without real humour before returning his gaze to the farm.
“He hated me,” Robert said. It was on the tip of his tongue to contradict him, but Aaron didn’t. He had never really known Jack, but he knew that since he’d died, Diane, Andy and Vic all put him on a pedestal. No one was ever that perfect. “I was never who he wanted. He wanted someone like Andy, a grafter to inherit the farm and I was never good enough. It always felt like I was the one who was adopted, never fitting in.” Robert looked down at the ground again and Aaron knew this was uncomfortable for him. But he didn’t want to say anything to break the spell, anything that would make Robert stop talking. They never spoke about Jack.
“He’d have hated this.”
“What d’you mean, this?” Aaron asked when it became clear Robert wasn’t elaborating. “What, you and me?” Robert nodded briefly, looking into the distance over the farm. Aaron didn’t know what to say, he knew that a lot of people weren’t accepting, though generally things were getting better.
“Diane and Vic said… “he’d have understood” but I know they were just trying to comfort me. Make things better when I messed everything up.”
“He might have.”
“He wouldn’t.” Robert spoke with such certainty, Aaron knew there was something more. “He caught me once. A long, long time ago.”
“Oh?” Aaron asked, desperately wanting to know more but not wanting to push in case Robert closed up completely.
“I was only twelve or thirteen. I hadn’t planned it or anything like that. I think I was as shocked as dad was when I kissed that boy… You know I can’t even remember his name.” Robert sounded surprised. “Anyway, dad walked in, just before I was going to push him away. I couldn’t believe what I‘d done.”
“What happened?” Aaron couldn’t resist from asking. Robert still wasn’t looking at him, his eyes focused on the middle distance.
“Dad didn’t speak to me for three days. Not one word. I thought that when he did he was going to explode, just shout for hours. He didn’t. He spoke totally calmly and said, “my son does not act like an animal. You will never, ever behave like that again.” And it was never brought up again, dad pretended he‘d never seen it. Forgotten about and swept away. Which was fine at the time, because I liked girls too and it wasn’t a problem. I think part of him was relieved when I started screwing Katie. Because then… it wasn’t an issue he had to deal with.”
“I’m sorry,” Aaron said. After almost a full minute of silence, Aaron moved and wrapped his arm around Robert, wary that he’d be rejected. He wasn’t.
“He didn’t hate you,” Aaron said. “Father’s don’t hate their children.”
“Even yours?” Robert said quickly, then wished he hadn’t as Aaron flinched. “Sorry. That was… God, I’m so sorry.”
“I think mine was probably the exception that proves the rule,” Aaron said, knowing that Robert didn’t mean it. He couldn’t help his lips twitching up in a smile and he had no idea why. The shock on Robert’s face made an unexplainable bubble of laughter come to the surface.
“And now you can laugh about it?” Robert marvelled.
Aaron shrugged. “If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry. And I think we both know I’ve done enough of that to last a lifetime.”
“God, you’re amazing,” Robert said, pulling him in for a gentle kiss. When they parted, the tension had calmed down somewhat.
“Is that why you fought so hard to hold onto Chrissie?” Aaron asked.
“Look, I liked the money, the status, the house, the business…”
“Yeah, yeah, I get the picture,” Aaron said, cutting him off, not liking to be reminded of everything Chrissie had been able to give him that Aaron couldn’t.
Robert smiled at him but continued. “It felt really good, coming back here and proving everyone wrong. That I’d actually made a success of my life when everyone thought I wouldn’t. And… I did love her, once,” Robert said. “Before I came back to the village, I did love her. Then I met you. I was never meant to fall for you, Aaron. You were meant to be a distraction, that’s all.”
“So what, I was scratching the itch?”
“Honestly, yeah,” Robert said, making Aaron roll his eyes. “Then I realised that I have never loved anyone the way I love you.”
“You don’t have to say that.”
“I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true,” Robert said. He pulled Aaron into his arms, holding him tightly and kissing him very softly. When the kiss ended, Robert kept his hands on Aaron’s waist, needing to touch him.
“Do you ever regret…” Aaron shook his head, that was the wrong wording. “Do you ever wish you were still with her?”
“No,” Robert said, so quickly Aaron knew he hadn’t really thought about it.
“Rob, come on.”
“No, I don’t,” Robert said. “I wish I’d not hurt you. I wish I’d had the courage to tell her the truth myself.”
“You were never going to, were you?” Aaron said.
“No.”
“At least you’re honest,” Aaron said, though it hurt.
“I was scared,” Robert said. “Wouldn’t give up what we’ve got now, though.” Aaron thought for a moment, but guessed he’d have to settle for that because neither of them could change the past. In the end, that was enough for him, knowing that Robert needed what they had now.
“You know, if you cheat on me, I will kill you.”
Robert let out a bitter laugh. “Yeah, I know,” he said quietly. “I won’t.”
“Okay,” Aaron said, letting himself almost fall into Robert’s embrace. He loved being held by him like this.
"How did you find me?" Robert asked, still holding him.
"Driving around the village for three hours until I found your car," Aaron said. Robert laughed, which faded away and they both looked out over the distance, happy in each others company.