Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“Was that the last one, San-ah? You sound fucking exhausted.” San barely manages to balance the phone on his shoulder, dropping the last bag and suitcase on the floor.

“Yeah, pretty sure the taxi driver hates me now.” He just replies barely catching his breath. His hands hurt so much, all the handles, strings and tapes he had to carry today leaving various indentations on his palms, sure as hell gonna result in nasty callouses on the oncoming day.

“I’m sure he doesn’t.” Seonghwa’s voice sounds again, Hongjoong’s voice coming muffled from the speaker as well. San rolls his eyes, not in the mood to hear a single fucking thing concerning his friend’s very happy relationship with a boyfriend  he loves so fucking much.

But he doesn’t say a thing, masks his scoff with a cough and just waits until Seonghwa takes his hand away from the microphone, seemingly talking with Hongjoong about something.

“Sorry, San-ah. Joongie didn’t know how to turn on the steamer.”

San barfs, mentally.

“Anyways, I can’t remember anything of importance right now, aside from what I’ve told you already. But if you ever have any questions, regarding anything at all, just call me or shoot a text alright? I’m here for you, for anything.”

“Yeah, I know. And thank you, really. I promise I’ll vacant this flat the moment I find something.” San responds, kicking the bag lying to his left. He hates the sight of all his belongings piled up, the thought of unpacking all of that and eventually packing again when he signs a lease for his own place causing him a headache.

“It’s ok, don’t rush. I planned on renting it out either way, I’m glad my first tenant is you, bestie.”

“Please don’t call me that ever again. I might barf for real.” Is the snappy response, San sliding down the wall, not finding any more strength to hate, on anything.

“You love me, bitch.” Seonghwa chuckles and San actually smiles at that, because he does, in fact, love that friend of his. “Don’t let the situation get to you too much, ok? I know it’s tough. I’ll visit you over the weekend, I’ll gladly remember my bachelor times.”

“Oh fuck you, Park Seonghwa.” San only spews and swears he can hear Seonghwa giggling on the other side before ending the call and throwing his phone on the floor.

He’s sitting by the main door, surrounded by all the stuff he owns, tired, sweaty and heartbroken.

If it wasn’t for Seonghwa he might have been facing similar situation, only on the streets.

“Fucking hell.” He curses his life, fingers brushing through hair as he hangs his head limply, not even knowing what to do next.

It’s the first time ever he feels so lost in life. His partner breaking up with him after 4 years of a steady, serious relationship certainly wasn’t in his plans. Worst thing was, the apartment they’ve lived in all this time has been theirs, San of course paying half of the rent and bills, but the ownership was solely under their name.

So when he was presented with fait acompli and was mercifully given a day to pack all his belongings and just vanish from his partner’s life, San felt like his life crumbled, faded into dust in a snap of fingers.

He’s already had their future planned, was ready to introduce them to his parents, adopt a pet, get married, have kids… everything disappeared, like a soap bubble.

And the worst of all? No explanation. No conversation, no reasons. Just simple, cold and emotionless ‘I want you gone from my life.’

San hurt. He was a tough guy, but it was just a shell he chose to show the world. Inside there was this soft, kind man, wearing his heart on the sleeve, smiling so brightly his eyes turned into crescents every time.

“Fuck!” San bangs his hand on the wall, not even caring about the neighbours right now. The rage inside him magnified and he’d love to use all that in the gym but he knew his body was too exhausted, only his mind was restless.

Park Seonghwa was a literal angel, even if he was annoying as fuck, flaunting his perfect relationship with Hongjoong left and right, their honeymoon phase stretching into nearly a year now.

But if it wasn’t for that relationship and for Seonghwa too eagerly moving in with his boyfriend just a bit over a month ago, San wouldn’t have any place to stay, returning to his parents’ was pointless, as he was expected in his office twice a week, working remotely the other three days.

His head hurt, he wanted to shower and just sleep, thanking Seonghwa time and time again mentally for this opportunity.

The first night was rough, the mattress was different, softer and a little creaky, the bedframe metal instead of wooden, to window in front of the bed instead of to its side.

6:30 A.M is completely merciless as it blinked in his face, his phone blaring the alarm and forcing him to move, get in his daily portion of exercise until he finds a gym nearby, knowing he can’t slack off. He can’t allow himself any change in routine, despite how much his body hurt with anger, sadness and heartbreak.

San doesn’t allow himself to wallow in thoughts too much, even if his mind tried spiralling about the last four years, desperately looking for faults, mistakes or any signs indicating he hasn’t been a good partner. Of course he finds plenty, majority of them not making any sense, blown out of proportions and straight out ridiculous. He shakes his head and decides to count the fucking cars he’s passing during his run, the earbuds in his ears blasting whatever music the app queues up. He can’t find it in himself to care.

Forcing his brain to think as he logs into the database at work is a nightmare, he can’t focus. His co-workers talk about some problems but San can’s find it in himself to unmute his mic and join the conversation, carelessly listening to their chatter.

The numbers make no sense, the cursor wiggles pointlessly on the screen. His belongings are still in the bags, only his laptop, charger and whatever clothes were packed on top pulled out. The cameras weren’t mandatory while working from home, thank fuck.

“San-ah!” Seonghwa’s voice sounds as he hears unfamiliar beep of doors being unlocked. Right, it’s his new unlocking jingle, he needs to learn that. “We brought beef!”

San logs off, the pathetic amount of work he’s done today certainly diminishing his chances for bonus this month.

“Hey, thanks.” San says completely flatly, not finding any strength for emotions just yet. He needs time.

Seonghwa envelops him in a hug he loves so much, the warmth of elder’s body against him immediately bringing him absolute comfort, even the short lived one.

“If you wanna cry, just do.”

Seonghwa knows him too damn well. San brings his arms around Seonghwa’s torso and squeezes, hiding his face in his friend’s shoulder, not even trying to stop his tears. He’s letting it all out, all the ugly whimpers, all the choked up wails. And Seonghwa just pats his back, shushing him as if he’s a little child, in need of consolation after he dropped his lolly.

“I’m so sorry, San-ah.” Seonghwa’s voice is heard somewhere between all the whimpers and cries. “Let it all out, I’m here.”

Their hug seems endless, San truly appreciating the support, the simple consolation his friend offers, the closeness and touch San loves and needs so much.

Maybe he loved it too hard.

He can’t find any words to produce, letting out all his pains together with his tears, hugging Seonghwa so close their bodies are actually glued together. He feels awful, all the thoughts and emotions he’s managed to keep at bay whole day suddenly surge over him, his head bursting with pain, guilt, sadness and anger. His body feels too heavy, his legs seem more like cotton than carefully built muscle and bones. There’s no strength in him, neither physical nor mental.

Seonghwa keeps on caressing his back and even his head, patiently waiting for all the tremors to pass, all the cries to die down.

San realizes Hongjoong must be somewhere there too, even if he still hasn’t said a word. He can’t really care about it, knowing Hongjoong knows his way around the flat after spending here enough time before Seonghwa moved in with him.

“I think I’m done.. for now.” San says in a choked up voice few minutes later, his nose more than ready to be blown. He desperately needs a tissue.

“Of course. I’m literally your shoulder to cry on.” Seonghwa jokes as San blows his nose, the toilet paper substituting the tissue, for now.

“Hi, San-ah.” Hongjoong finally waves his hand and San sheepishly waves back, not trusting his voice right now. It’s a miracle he’s not weeping anymore, the wave of sadness lowering in level, at least the tiniest bit.

“Let’s eat, hm? I believe you skipped your meals today.” He’s right, of course he is.

They eat together, Seonghwa and Hongjoong try entertaining him with some light chatter and San manages a few weak nods and hums here and there, stuffing his face full with the delicious beef Seonghwa has treated him to.

“This restaurant used to be my favourite, it’s just around the corner too. You gotta order it yourself some time.” Hongjoong supplies, grabbing a bit of rice to go with the meat. San nods once again, making sure he remembers the name of the restaurant from the note on the bag. The couple is loud enough to mute his own thoughts, the meat so delicious he doesn’t feel his stomach flipping with emotions and, well, emptiness anymore.

“Do you need help unpacking?” Seonghwa asks, already packing all the styrofoam back into the bags after a well eaten meal.

“Nah, I’ll manage. Got the weekend just to myself, you know.” There’s a weak attempt at self-deprecating joke and Hongjoong doesn’t even know if he should laugh, looking at Seonghwa as the latter only snorts, shaking his head.

“Glad to know you’re not completely broken, friend.”

“Just don’t wait at the doors once you leave, I’m about to cry again real soon, hyung.” He uses the honorific this time, because despite the friendly and easy atmosphere the couple tried to maintain San still had his manners and was still incredibly thankful for the opportunity Seonghwa gifted him this easily.

“Don’t make me wanna stay here and cuddle you some more, San-ah. You know I will.” Seonghwa slaps at his arm but then squeezes it, such a simple gesture conveying a message clear enough for San.

“Ok, alright. Now go, already. I’ll be fine.” San leads the couple back to the main doors, receiving one last hug from Seonghwa and a firm pat on his back form Hongjoong, the two leaving the flat soon later.

San does cry, both under the shower and in the bed, his whimpers the last he hears before falling asleep.

Friday goes similarly, San runs, can’t focus at work, his co-workers’ chatter is behind a foil wall, his head is pounding after crying so much. He skips all the meals, only ordering a take out in the evening, not even caring about the dish he taps on. It’s all about the calories intake, not taste.

Nothing tastes good, anymore.

Saturday, he should be allowed to sleep in.

Yet his restless mind wakes him minutes before seven, so he groggily drags himself out the bed, throws on yesterday’s sweaty shorts and shirt and runs, allowing himself a greater distance today, knowing there’s no rush for work. He’s not completely familiar with the neighbourhood. Sure, he’s visited Seonghwa many times in the past but never took any casual stroll between the buildings, never paid too much attention to the surroundings of the place he now calls home.

The flat is situated in a completely different part of Seoul than he used to reside in, but thanks to this it’s much closer to his workplace. The commute is easier, he won’t be stuck for nearly an hour each time he goes to the office.

It’s all about the little things now, really.

He tries observing his surroundings, learning the buildings, shops, restaurants. He needs to familiarize himself as quickly as possible, even if it’s only for a limited period of time. Seonghwa didn’t really mention any deadline, never told him he’s not allowed to stay for extended period of time. They haven’t really discussed anything properly, everything just happened so fast.

His life did a full one-eighty in the last three days.

Maybe San would never say that out loud but the familiarity, even the vague one, of Seonghwa’s flat was one of the factors keeping him together. If he were to rent out a hotel room or whichever apartment was listed as the most affordable one he might have not been coping that well.

Park Seonghwa was a literal angel, San will never be able to show him his gratitude enough.

His muscles are burning already, his stomach rumbles in hunger. He didn’t even bother with a single protein bar, not that he had any. The fridge was completely empty, he had no idea how to find it in himself to buy groceries and prepare meals, how to navigate in his now single life as all the meals up until now were cooked together and shared.

He knew Seonghwa was there for him whenever he needed but he couldn’t just leech off his friend’s life just because he approached this particular hurdle in his own.

Turning around by the building he was sure he’s passed at least once already San hopes he’s on the way back to the flat, mentally preparing himself to go through the mountain of his belongings and plan out his life, make the flat his home for the time being.

After a quick shower, a little too hot for his liking but then he couldn’t be bothered with fondling with the faucet to find the right temperature, San throws on whatever he finds on top of the bag and decides to put on some music, not able to bear the silence he’s so unfamiliar with.

Digging through the bags and suitcase of clothes is a nightmare. Each piece of clothing smells exactly like their apartment and the fucking laundry detergent his partner was so adamant on buying because the clothes always smelled so fresh and for days.

San ogles the couple shirt they bought during one of their dates. He hates himself for even taking this thing with him. He quickly throws it in the general direction of the kitchen where the trash bin is, his face scrunched in disgust as he sees the material lying on the floor, all crumpled up.

Ten seconds later San stands up and picks the shirt off the floor, holding it in front of his face as he just blankly stares at it, the memories surging through his brain, the heaviness of his sadness returning in a second.

He didn’t cry all morning, managing to brace through all the waves of sadness crashing over him. But now, holding the damn shirt he knew the tears were bound to leak.

He collapses to his knees, hugging the shirt close to his chest, sniffing at the damn detergent still so fragrant after so much time.

He’s pathetic, he knows that. He was thrown out like some trash, disrespected by his ex, treated as if he meant nothing.

And yet, he missed them.

So much it kept on breaking his heart, tiny pieces falling off with a tremendous boom each, his trembling hands gripping at the shirt as he wailed, chest too constricted with pain and sorrow.

The music is too loud now, the hum in his ears almost deafening, everything so overstimulating San just falls to the floor, curling like a baby and weeping, crying his eyes out, the pain in his chest so scary he only hopes it doesn’t signalize a heart attack.

His mind spirals again, analysing each and every day, his behaviour, words, his approach, his emotions, each and every little action he’s committed. Nothing makes sense, nothing stands out yet everything seems to carry a weight of his fault, an excuse to take the blame, force himself into thinking he understands everything’s that happened.

The shirt is crumpled in his hold, now wet with tears and snot as well. San doesn’t find strength to lift himself, staring at one point on the wall, his expression completely blank. He’s glad no one there’s to witness him like that but at the same time mourns the lack of another person by his side, hugging the shirt even closer and letting his eyes fall close, hating the way his head hurts now on top of everything else.

San doesn’t even realize he fell asleep. Or lost consciousness? It doesn’t matter. He’s still on the floor, the shirt still clutched tightly in his hands.

“Oh, fuck this.” He mutters to himself and rises, his whole side in pain as he’s lied on the hard floor for who knows how long. It’s certainly afternoon now, the weather became so much gloomier compared to the quite sunny morning.

“Get a grip, Choi San.” He pats at his cheeks having thrown the shirt on the pile of clothes he’s barely started unpacking, rolling his eyes at the monumental task still hanging over his head. His stomach rumbles and his first thought is to just ignore it, not feeling like eating anything anyway, but his conscience steps in just then and he pulls out his phone to order whatever promises the shortest waiting time.

Truth be told the bag with his breakfast, lunch and dinner combined into one meal arrives after barely seventeen minutes, San inhaling the food finally realizing he’s actually fucking hungry. He grabs his phone and mindlessly scrolls stupid cat videos, seeing the notifications from Seonghwa, Hongjoong, his mother and a shit ton of emails he doesn’t even wants to look at.

He sends a sad emoji to Seonghwa, not finding any mental capacity to produce a full sentence. Seonghwa will understand. San can’t deal with his mother right now, knowing she’d immediately find the sorrow in his voice, so he just shoots her ’i’m fine’ text and returns to the cat videos, inhaling the remainder of his meal.

His fridge is still damn empty, there isn’t even a bag of rice in any of the cupboards. He has to do groceries, now. Living solely on take out is an option, but eating just one meal a day seems too irresponsible, even if his current state.

San doesn’t even care about changing his clothes, taking just his wallet and a backpack so he doesn’t have to worry his already hurt palms with plastic bags. Seonghwa mentioned there’s a grocery store just two buildings away, so San directs his steps exactly there.

Shopping is tedious, he was never a fan, instead letting his partner take care of that and very rarely accompanying them. He has to learn to at least accept the chore now, knowing he’s faced with independence from now on.

Grabbing whatever he deems most necessary, not forgetting the five kilo bag of rice, San pays for his groceries and returns to his flat. He craved contact with people but realized he got overwhelmed by it way too quickly, quickening his steps and punching the code almost hysterically, ready to hide once again.

He’s still full with the meal he’s eaten earlier, but as he unpacks the food he’s bought San grabs one of the strawberry protein bars, knowing he lacks the protein intake for the amount of work he puts his body through.

With groceries unpacked, San considers calling Seonghwa to just talk, to feel like he isn’t completely alone in this world, but in the end decides against it. He can’t poison his friend’s life, he reminds himself. Even if it hurts to be alone.

His thumb passes over the other most called contact, until four days ago.

The profile picture stares at him, a photo San took himself during their trip to Busan. It was their second anniversary.

San doesn’t even realize he’s crying until a single drop lands on the screen, the letters underneath becoming all blurred up.

He quickly locks his phone before some stupid idea rules over his head.

San just wants to sleep.

Sunday is as gloomy as Saturday, only that it’s raining heavily since the moment he opens his eyes.

Nonetheless San doesn’t allow himself to falter into sorrows, forcing himself out of bed and just run, not caring about the rain but watching out on slippery pavements. The neighbourhood feels a little more familiar today, the signs on the buildings not so hard to read as he runs.

San makes a mental note to find the nearest gym once he’s back. He doesn’t hate running, he just needs a full body workout to maintain his physique.

Shower feels a little easier today as well, San finally turning the handle to the desired temperature, letting the cold water sober him up. The shirt still lies on top of the bag but San just moves it to the side, picking up whichever else is underneath, yesterday’s pants still fine to wear.

“Let’s do this.” He hypes himself up, taking the bag and this time moving it to the bedroom where the closet is, moving the remaining luggage from the corridor as well. It’s a big step and San pats himself for bracing through.

Today he doesn’t sniff at his clothes, forcing himself to mechanically reach into the bag and slide the piles of clothes to the closet, hanging whatever needs to be hung, sorting through his socks and boxers as well. His jackets get a separate closet, together with shoes.

The whole ordeal took him maybe half an hour and San is proud of himself, looking at the barely filled closet as he puts away the suitcase to the back of it. Seonghwa always liked fashion so much more than anyone else, no wonder his closet was actually massive.

San decides to cook himself proper breakfast today, choosing some easy eggs with rice. He doesn’t know how to handle the coffee machine so he just orders it, making sure to remember to ask Seonghwa about it later.

San finally calls his mom and thankfully she doesn’t ask any uncomfortable questions, simply because she doesn’t even know her son got her heart broken just a few days back. He tells her he moved though, slipping a little white lie how he found a place much closer to work. It’s not that much of a lie, after all.

The gym he finds is a twenty minutes’ walk away, so he just dives head in and buys a membership online, a month-long one, even if it’s the least affordable one. He doesn’t really want to think how long he’ll spend looking for a place, not even allowing himself to think about it just now.

This flat was perfect for a bachelor like him. One bedroom, bathroom, cosy living room with kitchen and an entrance to the inner patio, feature only the habitants of the ground floor were equipped with. Each flat has its own patio, the neighbours’ ones fenced with a non-see through wooden fence. San remembers barbecuing with Seonghwa there, and getting wasted so much he puked right in the corner, getting not so soft scolding from his friend the next day.

San was yet to visit the patio now, the rain not really inviting him to spend time outside.

Instead, San finds himself spreading his belongings all over, all his miscellaneous stuff finding its new place somewhere in the flat. He finally calls Seonghwa about the coffee machine, making sure to try it in time with Seonghwa’s instructions, impatient to brew a proper coffee tomorrow before work.

In the evening, not finding strength to do anything else San just lies in the bed, finally putting on the sheets and getting his favourite pillow after sleeping in a completely bare bed past two nights. The stupid videos are back, he exchanges some text with Seonghwa as well and before the clock shows ten p.m., San is already asleep.

Coming to the office is hard. San doesn’t hate his job, his co-workers are alright, but in his current state he doesn’t need their chatter surrounding him, forcing him to put on the damn fake smile he’s not really a master off. Whenever asked he just lies he’s a little under the weather, it shuts the topic off efficiently.

Numbers make a little more sense now, his cubicle somehow muting the surrounding noise as he clicks away on the keyboard, but then his tie is too tight, his shirt isn’t ironed correctly.

Who would have thought, after spending three days in a bag, all crumpled up.

Lunch goes easy, he even manages a light conversation with a woman from his team, dreading the year-end evaluation like everyone else. San doesn’t care, at least not now.

He leaves the office thirty minutes after the end of his worktime, knowing he has to catch up on all the documents he omitted while working remote on Friday. There’s still a little work to do, but his head is pounding terribly and he’s actually hungry, knowing he has to stuff himself before hitting the gym in the evening.

He’s back minutes before nine p.m., deciding to just sweat out his worries at the machines instead of crying them out today, feeling so much better after exhausting his body, his mind not allowed to overthink once he hit the gym.

Somehow, it’s easier.

And the days go by and sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s not, San finding himself crying in the shower in the mornings, crying when the coffee doesn’t taste right simply because he doesn’t even know how to prepare a cup of coffee he used to drink for the last four years, crying when he sees the damn laundry detergent during his next shopping.

He buys that exact one, hating himself for it all the way back home.

And then there are moments when Seonghwa and Hongjoong visit him, bringing food and drinks, Seonghwa praising San for making the flat feel lived in in such a short period of time.

The next time Seonghwa visits San spends and hour crying at his shoulder despite two weeks already passing, and Seonghwa keeps him in a warm hug all the time, promising him a strawberry cake once he calms down.

The autumnal rains make their presence permanent in Seoul, San not able to move anywhere without his umbrella anymore.

He’s rushing back home after gym, his wobbly legs barely supporting him on the slippery pavement. He certainly shouldn’t have had the leg day today, it was quite dangerous if he lost balance and slipped now. Last thing he needed now was a physical injury, his mental one was barely starting to patch up.

He’s bracing through, his jaw already hurts from keeping it shut as he strives to put one foot after another. San can already see his building, forcing himself to just quicken his steps, desperate to eat something and just sleep, knowing he’s expected in the office tomorrow morning.

He’s about to step along his building when he sees something shining from the corner of his eyes. He whips his head to the side, immediately intrigued by the sudden glimmer, knowing there’s no source of light along this wall save for the big lamps on the pavement.

San stops completely and just looks around, his eyes finally landing on the barely visible silhouette of a tiny animal he supposes is a cat. It must be pitch black too because he can’t see clearly where his body lines begin as he just blends with the building, almost disappearing in the night. The cat’s eyes glimmer once again and San realizes that’s the thing that caught his gaze, the feline’s pretty eyes reflecting the light from the lamp.

“You poor thing, getting all soaked.” San says quietly as he observes the barely visible cat. “Better find some cover for yourself, it’s gonna rain whole night.”

He wishes he could do something more for the stray, but the cat just pounces and scatters into the alley, San can only hope it has a shelter to return to.

Funnily enough, he spots the cat the next day as he walks to the bus stop. It’s really brief, but he swears he can see the feline silhouette in the same alley, sitting by the corner and observing the world. San gives the animal a tiny smile, glad to know the cat survived yesterday’s downpour just fine.

The work is not as tedious anymore, all the documents and files are finally filled and printed out correctly. San doesn’t tap mindlessly on the keyboard anymore, his co-workers aren’t as annoying and overwhelming as they used to be. Sure there are moments when everything is just too much, but compared to two weeks back San is a changed man in his workplace.

Each night spent in the flat feels a little less antagonizing, his back slowly gets used to the softer mattress. It’s a process, San knows. Seonghwa reminds him about it constantly.

But his loneliness is incurable.

No matter how many times he texts with Seonghwa, meets up with him and Hongjoong or goes out with his co-workers for a beer, at the end of the day he’s alone and lonely. It’s the most soul crushing feeling, an experience he’s never really known. He’s always had his sister, then roommates in university, then Seonghwa as he couch surfed before moving in with his ex.

San doesn’t even know what it means to be alone, all the time.

And he hates this feeling the most.

He’s out for groceries one afternoon having finished his workload much earlier than expected. As he rounds the corner he notices the cat he’s now grown kind of familiar with by now. He used to seeing it every now and then, not every day but often enough to condition himself into smiling to the feline as his first reaction.

He deducted the black cat has to be a stray, there was no collar on its neck and even though it always lurked around the close proximity of his building, the cat kept running away from people, hiding into dark corners and waiting before emerging once again. It didn’t really look like a domesticated one.

“Hi, kitty.” San says very quietly, careful not to startle the animal. He didn’t really have any experience with cats, but knew enough not to make any haste movements and just be patient.

The cat turns its head towards him and San finally has a chance to properly look at it. It looks like a normal, common cat, maybe its tail was a little thicker than usual. San takes a tiny step forward, shortening the distance between them. The cat blinks at him, very slowly, and if San remembers correctly it means the cat trusts him? San shakes his head, it’s not possible for the animal to trust him this easily.

He blinks back, just for the sake of it, hoping the people passing by won’t consider him a lunatic for communicating with a stray. When the cat looks right back at him, San finally stares deep into feline’s eyes.

He gasps and immediately scolds himself, realizing he could have startled the stray.

But how could he not, when he witnessed the beauty of the cat’s eyes for the very first time.

One of its perfectly almond shaped eyes was a colour of deep, warm amber nearly twinkling like a stirred, glimmering liquid. The other carried the delicacy of soft spring skies, so marvellously light blue San couldn’t tear his gaze away.

A car honked in a near distance and the cat suddenly scattered to run, following the wall of the building and disappearing around the corner, taking the beauty of its eyes away from San.

He did consider following the animal but decided against it, not keen on scaring the poor kitty any further. It must have it tough enough on the streets, a scary human chasing him certainly not necessary in its life.

San completes the chore of grocery shopping and even if he’s gathered an experience of shopping at least a dozen times now, he still didn’t particularly like it. It was a task to complete, not a pleasurable one, but not something he hated anymore.

A mundane activity, unfortunately.

“Hi, hyung. You’re still coming today?” San balances the phone on his shoulder, hearing the unambiguous clinking of the glass bottles in his shopping bag. He’s bought four bottles of soju, both him and Seonghwa were damn lightweights so he deemed those more than enough. He’s also grabbed a few snacks and his basic groceries, taking the familiar route back home. He did look around for the cat but didn’t even see it lurking in the shadows.

“Of course, San-ah. I’ll be there around seven, alright?”

San only hums in response and ends the call, stuffing his phone back into his pocket. He’s already punching in the entry code, his arms complaining about the weight they have to bear on top of working out in the morning.

He’s got nearly two hours before Seonghwa arrives, so he just decides to clean around, realizing he hasn’t really paid much attention to it before. The flat wasn’t nasty, just.. overlooked. But it was fine. He could do it. After all, Seonghwa was the actual owner and as well as San knew his friend, the elder liked everything absolutely spotless.

Full hour of cleaning later San finally drops to the couch, deeming the flat clean enough to welcome his guest slash owner of the flat.

San still had to discuss the rent payments, he couldn’t just live there for free, taking this much advantage of someone else was never in his nature. Seonghwa was his very good friend if not best, but it didn’t automatically mean he was allowed to leech off and just comfortably live there for free.

The snacks are on the table, the shot glasses are ready and the soju is chilling in the fridge. San fluffs up the pillows and swipes off the last specs of dust from the couch when he hears the sound of knocking.

“Must be weird, knocking on your own doors.” San jokes as he opens the door, Seonghwa chuckling in reply.

“You look better, San-ah.” Are his first words and even if it doesn’t seem like it, San truly appreciates it. He’s working hard on getting better as fast as possible, even if his heart doesn’t feel any less broken then on the first day post break up.

“Thanks, hyung.” Is his only meek response, letting Seonghwa in. “I’d say make yourself home, but that would be ridiculous.”

“It’s your home now, Sannie. I’m just the owner, and a guest today. It’s your space.” The ever gentle Seonghwa replies, making his way to the living room as San follows him. “Do you find living here alright?”

“It’s actually very nice, I like it here. I’ve got everything I need in the neighbourhood and the commute is really easy too. Haven’t really met my neighbours yet but there’s nothing I can complain about, really.”

“Glad to hear it. I really liked living here too, you know.” Seonghwa pats his shoulders as he takes a seat on the couch. San joins him and opens the bags of chips and other snacks, only to rush back to the kitchen to bring the main star of the evening- soju.

“I think we should drink to new beginnings.” Seonghwa suggests as San pours their first shot. The quicker they start the longer breaks they’ll be able to take between the shots, knowing it actually strengthens their drinking capacity.

“Yeah, I like that.” It’s not completely truthful, because San isn’t yet ready to bravely step into a fresh chapter of his life, not when his heart is still hurting. But the notion is nice enough to motivate him, to freshen up his attitude and mentality. Maybe kick him in the butt, too.

And they down the shot, both grimacing as the alcohol flows down their throats, San quickly reaching for dried squid to stuff his face and erase the first, unpleasant taste.

Four shots later laced into their conversation they’re equally flushed, after two more shots their speech becomes just a tiny bit slurred. San picks up the second bottle from the fridge and by the third shot of the second bottle they agree it’s about time they slowed down, maybe even stopped entirely.

“There’s a kitty.” San starts, his words slurred so horribly Seonghwa barely catches what he meant, his own hearing already deafened by the buzz of alcohol in his system.

“A kitty?” the elder asks, not able to focus his gaze anymore, his friend looking all blurry and damn funny too.

“Kitty. A cute, round bl-“ a hiccup interrupts his speech, “black kitty.”

“Black?”

“Black. And the kitty has the prettiest eyes too.” San points to one of his eyes “this one’s blue.” And his finger moves towards the other eye. “this one’s light brown.” His head droops, his body just falls limply into the couch as he sulks, arms crossing on his chest. “I wanna pet that pretty kitty.”

Seonghwa just snorts, his cognitive abilities weakened terribly. San talking about some cat seems like the funniest thing on Earth though, so he just giggles, falling back into the couch as well.

“Pretty kitty.” San slurs once more before smacking his lips, eyes falling close as the memory of the mesmerizing feline eyes remain the last vision before he swims into unconsciousness.

Waking up is fucking hard, even though he doesn’t really experience heavy hangovers his body aches terribly, the ridiculous, slumped up position he spent the night in will certainly kick him in the butt later during the day. It’s Saturday after all, he doesn’t have to sit at the desk and stare at his laptop. Instead San can take time to rehydrate his body and maybe try punching in an hour or two at the gym, to at least stretch.

Seonghwa is nowhere to be seen, as expected, surely having his boyfriend pick him up when he saw San fast asleep last night.

San couldn’t really blame him, spending night on a couch certainly did not reach the even the middle of his friend’s wishlist.

He slowly gets up and realizes he could use some fresh air, maybe air out the room as well. He doesn’t really feel like stepping out of the flat just yet, instead opting to open the window. As he steps towards the kitchen he realizes he might as well open the glass doors to his private patio, finally check it out and spend some time outside, without even being seen by the rest of the world.

Despite nearly a month of living here already San has never really found an opportunity to use the patio, the glass doors only serving as a big window.

The hinges creak upon opening, the chilly autumnal air immediately hits his body with its full force. The patio is nice, San admits to himself. There’s a tiny patch of natural grass, although horribly overgrown and full of weeds. There’s a small rug on a tiled floor that covers the other half of the area and a single chair, together with plastic table bleached out by the sun.

It’s cosy, San decides. If he manages to clean it up he might as well do some stretching in here, maybe even spend some more time here if the weather allows.

He can’t see anything on either of the sides, the fence effectively obstructing the view, giving him full privacy from his neighbours. He supposes the patio is situated in some kind of inner courtyard, but he can vaguely hear the noise of the street, if he looks up he can nearly guess which alley the patio is facing.

San leaves the doors completely open, turning to cleaning around the living room, gathering all the trash and the unfinished bottle of soju. They didn’t even manage to finish two, what a damn shame.

After a quick shower San feels too lazy to cook himself anything for breakfast, or rather a brunch as he glances at the time. There’s a nice café on the way to the gym he frequents so he decides to go just there, allowing himself to splurge on a fancy meal at least today.

He puts whichever hoodie is on top of the pile in the closet, pulls on some jeans and leaves. Even if he’s not really suffering from a hangover his mind still feels fuzzy, his limbs feel nearly like his own now.

San rounds the corner and looks to his left, into the alley he suspects is the one he can see from the patio. He’s almost sure he’s right, the windows match the ones he sees from it.

Funnily enough, it’s the very same alley he usually spots the black cat in.

Today’s no different, the kitty sits all elegant in the middle of the alley, completely overlooked by others but not by San, who notices him immediately. His steps halt and he turns towards the cat, the distance between them much greater than yesterday so he reluctantly takes slow, delicate steps forward hoping he won’t spook the feline.

The cat remains unmoving so San takes two more steps and the animal just blinks at him, its paws still glued to the pavement.

“Hi, kitty.” San says softly, the distance between them shortened enough he can actually see the stark difference between its eyes, the beautiful hues he missed so much. “Have you eaten today?” he asks as if the cat was supposed to magically speak to him and give its answer. “Even if you have, I’ll bring you something. You look like a stray, I’m worried you don’t eat enough.” His voice remains soft but he doesn’t dare getting any closer, the two meters between them enough for today.

Taming a stray wasn’t exactly an experience he’s ever coped with, but whatever knowledge he possessed hinted it’s a good course of actions for befriending a cat.

“I’ll eat some breakfast and buy stuff for you too, so wait for me, hm?” he smiles and nods at the kitty, deep inside hoping that by some miracle its able to understand his speech.

Which is ridiculous when he actually thinks about it, but he doesn’t care.

San leaves the alley and bolts for the café, ordering some chicken packed sandwich and a coffee, knowing he needs caffeine to shake off remains of the haziness caused by the alcohol.

He realizes it’s sensible enough to shoot his friend a text and ask how he’s doing, so he does just that but his phone remains mute. Seonghwa’s probably still asleep.

San finishes his meal and aims for his grocery store, hoping they actually carry pet food. He’s never really lurked enough around the store, not having any need before. He should have thought about feeding the cat earlier on, especially with how familiar the two of them seemed to get lately.

He buys a double bowl, some wet and dry cat food that seems most reasonable (he has no actual knowledge and the package has a black Persian cat on it, San decides it’s suitable enough, as well as a separate bowl and a bottle of still water. He does consider grabbing a small yarn toy but decides against it, only to rush back for it once he’s at the register.

The walk back carries a certain skip to it, San feels energized to help the cat even more now that he has all the supplies.

To his absolute surprise the cat is right in the very same alley, now sitting by the wall as if to hide from the people passing by.

“Hey, kitty.” He greets it once again, carefully approaching it just like before. The cat is observing him carefully, its beautiful eyes never leaving San’s form. He lifts the bag to show all the stuff he’s bought, once again ridiculing himself for even thinking the cat understands him. “I brought you food, please don’t run away.” San finally approaches the cat as close as he thinks is safe and unpacks everything, setting all the things nicely on the pavement. He pours some kibble and the wet food, filling the water bowl as well.

“Here, eat well, kitty.” San packs the remaining food back into the bag, hoping what he’s bought is enough for at least a few days. He seriously needs to read about cats when he’s back home, he doesn’t want to hurt the poor stray with his lack of knowledge.

San looks around and tries navigating around the alley, making sure where his patio is situated, now that he’s on the other side. The cat’s still sitting by the wall, observing him, not making any movements towards the bowls whatsoever. It’s probably still scared.

“I live somewhere in here, ok? My patio is facing this direction, I just don’t really know how to explain it well.” He says looking at the cat, the beautiful eyes staring right back. “If you ever need something just visit me?” San tries blinking at the cat, only then realizing how ridiculous he’s continuously behaving. “I’m talking to a cat, giving it my damn address… oh, what the fuck, Choi San.”

He shakes his head and slams a palm against his face, dragging it down as he rolls his eyes. The cat tilts its head and San just chuckles, grabbing the bag and moving back, taking one last look at the elegant feline.

“Don’t let others steal your food, ok? I’ll be back tomorrow, promise.” Despite the ridiculousness he felt he couldn’t stop but talk some more, going as far as waving at the kitty after lifting his pinkie to seal his promise.

The remainder of the weekend San actually spends outside on his patio, cleaning it up and getting rid of the weeds, washing the chair and the table as well as beating the carpet and washing the tiles.

He’s crazy proud of his work a couple of hours later, even snapping a pic and sending it to Seonghwa.

Two days later San is back home after a day spent at the office. He’s been diligent with filling the bowls each day, remembering he’s also bought a toy he completely forgot to give to the kitty during the first time he fed him. He places it next to the bowl but it remains unmoved, even when the food disappears. He can only hope it’s the black cat that actually empties the bowls, not some other strays. Although if he can help other cats then he as well might, even if it was that beautiful odd-eyed black feline that actually stole his heart.

He spends the evenings reading about cats, about their behaviour, diet and general care. He learns so much not even knowing if he’ll ever be able to actually practice his knowledge on the black cat, or any other cat for that matter.

Having already finished his session at the gym San takes the bag with food and a water bottle to refill the bowls. It’s a short walk and this time he can actually see the cat running towards him from the other end of the alley. He missed the sight of it for the past two days, the feline remaining unseen since Saturday.

“Hi, pretty kitty.” San waves his free hand and crouches by the empty bowls to pour both food and water. The cat actually approaches him, so much closer than ever before and San remains still, knowing a single movement can scare the animal away.

To his complete shock the delicate paws soon close the distance between them and the cat sits directly next to the bowls, so close to his own hands San actually stops breathing. He’s terrified to even move despite how much he wants to look at the cat, see its eyes so up close.

He doesn’t dare saying anything, only slowly, really, really carefully lifts his head to stare at the cat, so surprised to see it in such close proximity.

“Damn, you’re really a pretty kitty.” San smiles softly, blinking at the cat as he usually does. Surprisingly enough the cat blinks right back, slowly, keeping its eyes closed for half a second and reopening them, staring right into San’s soul.

San doesn’t really know what to do know, his hand itches to reach out and pet the fluffy head, but he knows better he’s still at the trust trials period, the cat can’t trust him with touch just yet.

“I’ll let you eat now, ok?” San lifts himself slowly, hoping the cat won’t get startled by his movements. “I bought you a toy as well, you can play with it if you want? Unless you don’t really know what it is, poor thing.” San points to the toy and the cat actually turns its head towards the ball of yarn, causing San to chuckle to himself. “Visit me someday, ok? Maybe I should buy tuna next, do you like tuna?”

Only silence answers him and San looks into the deep ambers and dreamy skies once more before leaving the alley. He’s decided to buy the food online as well, after carefully studying the diet recommendations cats should actually follow, choosing the most recommended dry and wet cat food he’s found online, carefully reading through the ingredients first. Most expensive doesn’t mean the best, he’s learnt.

He’s brewing his coffee as his laptop’s turning on, ready to log in and punch in those hours of remote work. He’s made a big order yesterday, realizing just how much money he’s spent on a cat he doesn’t even own.

The delivery is scheduled for today and he actually is excited, hoping his choice of food will suit the pretty kitty.

This actually has him wondering- he doesn’t even know the gender of the cat. And until he manages to lift it in any way or catch a sight of its underside, there’s no telling what it is. But San doesn’t actually care, he already adores the little black furball, either male or female.

What San doesn’t realize, however, is the fact that thanks to that little pretty kitty, he’s not suffering as much as he used to. It’s been a little over a month since the break-up and his thoughts were so consumed by befriending and taking care of the cat, reading articles and doing his best to remember as much as possible he hasn’t really have time to sulk and hurt, not even realizing the one monthversary fell on the Saturday evening last weekend.

San works on the documents, the co-workers chatter actually welcome now as he manages to throw in his thoughts and even joke around, his earphones falling out form how much he’s laughing.

Days pass, San diligently visits the bowls each day around the same hour, always happy to see them empty. He’s even happier when he notices the toy got moved, not too far but still away from where he put it over a week ago, once again hoping it’s his pretty kitty that played around with it.

“Visit me sometimes, hm?” he says as he pours the kibble, happy to notice the cat is already licking at its lips, meaning the food he’s chosen is up to its liking. “I have more stuff for you at home, I don’t want anyone to steal it when I leave it on the streets.” San doesn’t even care anymore if anyone hears him talking to a damn cat. Especially when the feline seems actually interested in his words, as if it truly understood and listened to his speech, keeping their eye contact steady.

San zips back the bag of food and is about to put it to the side to fill the water bowl now when he feels something soft bumping against his hand. He whips his head back to the bowls and realizes the cat is actually touching his hand right now. San freezes, too scared to even move the hand, simply watching as the feline nuzzles into the back of his palm and leans into it so much San can soon feel the soft fur against his wrist as well.

He wants to pet the cat so badly, but just watching it rub itself against his hand is so heart-warming, San believes he’s doing this whole ‘trust the process’ thing right. He very slowly rotates his hand until it’s palm up, observing as the kitty now nuzzles its cute little head into his sweaty palm, eyes closed and oh my fucking fuck, it’s purring.

“Please don’t run away, kitty. I just wanna pet you.” San says in a trembling whisper, swallowing before curling his fingers to deliberately touch the cat, his fingertips brushing against its nape. The cat seems to bump him a little stronger, leaning down as if asking for actual pets.

San lifts his palm very carefully, seeing how the cat observes his hand closely and finally rests it on top of the cat’s head, immediately cooing at the softness of its fur, the cutest little ears bending under his palm.

They stare at each other and San can’t believe he’s actually finally touching his pretty kitty, its little head disappearing underneath his hand. He takes a few seconds to see if the cat won’t scatter and when it doesn’t San allows himself to caress it, slowly gliding his hand over the silky fur.

It seems surreal, what is happening right now.

“I won’t hurt you, I promise.” San whispers as he now properly pets the cat, the feline purring in gratitude with eyes closed, seemingly trusting San enough to let the guard down. “You’re such a precious little thing, aren’t you?” he goes as far as scratching behind the ear, the cat visibly enjoying it.

San gives it some more pets and pours the water into a bowl, gathering all the things he’s brought and looking at the cat one last time, a deep wave of sadness surging over him.

“I hate leaving you here, you know? Wish I could just bring you inside with me, I’d buy you all the cat trees and pillows and beds, I swear. Can you trust me with that soon?” San asks receiving no answer, but it’s not like he ever expects it anymore. “You’re a brave kitty, thank you for trusting me so much already, though.”

San never misses his visits to the bowls each day, the cat is usually there to greet him and receive his daily pets. San considers lifting the cat and just hugging him, but in the end decides against it, not wanting to overstep the time-consuming boundary extension and possibly scare the poor kitty, completely erasing their progress.

Few days later, on a rather sunny autumnal Sunday San sits in the chair at his patio, slowly sipping at his morning coffee. He’s done his shopping yesterday before the gym, allowing himself the pain au chocolat for the breakfast today. A cheat meal has never tasted this good.

He decides to call Seonghwa, realizing it’s his second month living here and he still hasn’t paid his friend a single won for the rent, deciding it’s his obligation despite Seonghwa never actually mentioning it.

Truth be told, he liked it here. Even after the short period of living in the flat San felt like home, made acquittances with the neighbours and store clerks, oftentimes falling into an easy conversation with other regulars at the gym, even going out with two of them for a beer one evening.

He made this flat his home, realizing he hasn’t spent a single minute looking for rent listings online. He had to get this thing straight with Seonghwa, he was aware his friend would do everything for him but it was his moral obligation to finally sort it out.

“Hyung? Hi, do you have a moment? I want to discuss something.” He doesn’t mean to sound too serious, but he needs to be stern enough knowing Seonghwa’s heart is actually made of gold.

“Sure Sannie, what’s up?” comes the voice over the speaker and San gathers his thoughts, hoping to deliver everything he wants and feel over a single message.

He bares his heart to his hyung, explaining how much he actually likes living here and overtime has realized he wants to stay there, finding his new life way quicker than he expected. He goes on about his routines and the convenience of the place, of all the superlatives about it. Seonghwa only hums now and then, his tone soft as always.

“So I’d actually like for us to sign an official lease, you know. I know you don’t want it but I can’t live here for free, especially since I’m earning enough money to cover the rent and live comfortably. Think about the price, ok? Please don’t fight me on this, hyung. I want to be fair, it’s actually troublesome for me to freeload for such a long time.”

The line goes silent for a while and San takes a sip of his coffee, feeling how his throat dried up from his monologue.

“Alright, if that’s what you want. I’ll try to navigate the market and set the price of the rent fair and square. But just so you know, San-ah. I really don’t mind it. I love you and you know it. I’d do anything for you,”

“I know, hyung and I love you too, but I’m an adult. It’s the right thing to do. Besides you were happy about me being your first tenant ever, let’s just make it official.” San jokes and Seonghwa laughs over the line.

“True. I’m actually so happy you like it there. I’m glad you found your own life again.” His friend says and San only nods, despite knowing Seonghwa can’t really see it. “I’ll try to handle it as soon as possible, ok? I’ll send you the details over the email soon, let me know if everything’s alright with you.”

“Sure thing, hyung. And thank you, for everything.”

“Don’t even mention it, San-ah.”  Seonghwa seems to be saying something, most surely to Hongjoong. “Oh right, Joongie reminded me. When we were drinking you said something about a cat? A black cat?”

San doesn’t remember shit from that day, of course there was a possibility of him blabbing about the pretty kitty.

“Oh, yeah. I think it’s a stray? It seems to live in the alley by the patio, I feed it daily and I actually made a progress, it’s allowing me to pet it now, you know? I’m so happy.” San smiles to himself, getting all giddy in the chair. He takes a second to think, realizing if he’s set on adopting the cat, he needs to ask Seonghwa about it first. “Would you mind if I, like, adopted it? My heart’s breaking each time I have to leave it on the streets and the winter is coming too, I’m afraid it’ll get sick. Does the building have the pet-friendly policy?”

“It does, Sannie. But let me ask you, is it a black, odd-eyed cat?”  San hums confirmatively in response, Seonghwa’s tone getting a little more serious. “Watch out, San-ah. I know this one, he’s been a stray for as long as I remember. He used to hang out around that exact alley but has never approached me. I actually told Joongie about it and we wanted to catch him and take him to the shelter, but that little devil just hissed at Joongie and then freaking peed on his leg. God, it smelled so awful. I saw him a few times later on but never approached him, he seemed freaking feral.”

San can’t believe Seonghwa’s words. His cute little pretty kitty hissing and peeing on Hongjoong? Impossible.

“It can’t be the same cat. This one is very delicate and frightened, it took me literal weeks to approach him so closely.”

“One blue one amber eye?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s him. Seriously San-ah, watch out. You don’t wanna contract rabies if he bites you.”

“It’s a he? Are you sure?” San doesn’t care about the warnings his friend gives him, focusing solely on the new piece of information Seonghwa seems to be sure of.

“Yeah, it’s a male. His pee smelled terribly and I swear I saw him licking his balls one day too.”

A boy. His pretty kitty was a boy.

“Ok, that changes things. Anyways I’m set on adopting him when he trusts me enough so please make sure our lease has a point about that? I don’t want to be thrown out again just because I own a cat who peed your boyfriend’s pants…” San says with an exaggerated pout in his voice, hoping Seonghwa really won’t mind seeing the cat again, in his own flat.

“You’re so stubborn, Sannie. But you’re an adult too. Don’t cry on my shoulder if the devil bites you!”

Seonghwa ends the call and San just chuckles to himself, finally finishing the coffee. He decides to pour himself one more serving, returning with the freshly filled cup to the chair. As he sits down, he nearly spills the coffee as his body jerks in and absolute surprise.

There, on the carefully trimmed patch of grass of his patio, sits the cat.

San stares at it, at him, not quite believing the cat actually decided to visit him, successfully finding the patio San owns. He doesn’t really know what to do now, because the cat is in a foreign area and might feel unsure, and the last thing San wants is to startle him when all he wants is for the cat to feel safe here.

“Hey, pretty kitty.” San welcomes him with his usual soft tone, going as far as waving at him and crouching on the tiled floor. “Welcome in my patio. I’m very happy you decided to visit me.” They stare at each other as San continues his monologue. “Are you hungry? I have extra bowls in my house, can you wait for a moment? Please don’t run away, I’ll be right back.”

San dashes as calmly as possible inside, grabbing two bowls and the bag of kibble, returning outside instantly.

“I’ll put the bowl here, it’s dry on the tiles. If you’re hungry just come here, ok?” San pours the food and returns inside for the water bottle to pour it as well. He managed to grab two toys as well, a plush mouse and a rod with a feathery toy on a string, not sure if the cat’s ever going to play with it.

That day marks another major step in Choi San’s life, as he no longer has to leave his apartment building to feed the cat, instead welcoming him daily, around the same time for a meal served right at his patio. The cat quickly understands it’s a safe space and allows San to pet him, going as far as sitting right next to him one chilly afternoon.

After that, everything rolls like a pebble down the hill.

The cat seems more and more confident, joining San for breakfasts when it’s not pouring, sitting on the table and just lounging around, appreciating the random pets and ear rubs he’s getting from the human.

San did end up buying an outdoor cat house for him, making sure it stays covered by an impromptu awning he’s built himself. The cat seemed to like the house enough to spend time in there, San observing him through the day as he worked remote, seeing how it spread on top when the sun graced their autumnal weather.

“Will you ever come inside, pretty kitty?” San asks one day, trying to interest the cat with the rod but to no avail. He didn’t seem interested in any of the toys whatsoever. “I kinda wish you stayed here for good, you know? You’re so precious.” San says as the cat lies in his lap, content with the pets San is giving him.

San never tried lifting the cat off the ground, only ever welcoming him in his laps when the cat felt like snuggling into him.

“It’s going to snow soon, I want you to be warm all the time. I don’t want to worry about you staying outside all the time.” the cat turns to him and blinks slowly, San blinking right back. He liked to think the cat understood him and just agreed with him each time they exchanged blinks.

Seonghwa came over with the papers over the weekend, San not even trying to negotiate the price knowing his friend gave him a steal either way, as he briefly familiarized himself with renting prices in this part of the city. They shake their hands with mocking seriousness, bursting into giggles after signing the papers. San quickly wires the money and sets the monthly transfer in the banking app, feeling his legs stretching with another big step in his life.

“The devil’s here.”

“Don’t call him that! He’s my pretty kitty!!” San immediately defends the cat as he also notices it sitting at the table of the patio.

“You’re crazy, San-ah.” Seonghwa only shakes his head, staring at the cat as it stares right back.

“I’m not. He’s really gentle, and he’s my friend. I’m trying to convince him to just step inside, even bought him a cat tree a few days back.” San points to a gigantic cat tree standing right by the TV, with all plush shelves on all the various levels, a hammock and a built-in house ready to welcome its own tenant.

“It never hurt you?” Seonghwa asks, stepping closer to the window. The cat’s gaze doesn’t leave his form even for a second.

“Of course not. He’s a really gentle kitty. I’ve never had any problems with him, I swear.” San protects the cat by telling just the truth, observing as it yawns and stretches, jumping down the table to hide in his house.

“I hope he never does. You seem crazy about him already. What did you name him?”

San actually freezes. Name? He’s been calling the cat ‘pretty kitty’ for such a long time he never really considered thinking of a real name to give him.

“You haven’t, hm? Just so you know, the moment you name him, he’s yours to have. You won’t be able to let go of him ever again, it just works like that.” Seonghwa says with a soft smile, patting San on the shoulder. “Oh and, San-ah? I’m so glad you’re managing. You really look so much better now, despite how hard you’ve had it in the beginning. I’m proud of you.”

Seonghwa leaves sometime later and San thinks about his words. It’s been a few weeks now since his life did a somersault. The first days were so fucking hard but with his routines, distractions and forced drive San realized he’s actually healed, not finding time to be sad and moping. He found a new laundry detergent too, realizing that what he cherished as nostalgy didn’t translate positively into his well-being. Plus, he’s got a cat to obsess over, certainly stealing a large chunk of his freshly patched up heart.

He realized he didn’t really miss human contact and physical affection that much, the soft kitty lying in his lap and allowing to be petted maybe not ideal, but certainly filling that void he felt in the beginning.

His head was spinning with all the conclusions. He wasn’t exactly a changed man, but he certainly was a nearly healed one. And it felt good to know, to feel like he could stand steadily on his own two legs.

With confident steps he walks outside, not closing the doors. The black head pops out from the house, the odd eyes staring at him immediately.

“Come on, kitty. Just come inside, please.” San crouches by the little house, hoping he sounds reassuring enough. “I just wanna cuddle with you on the couch, I promise I’ll let you out if you hate being inside.”

And the cat just comes out and stares at him, as if waiting for something.

“Can I lift you?”

A head bump on his knee. It seems impossible, the cat can’t possibly understand him.

He reaches out and gently grabs the cat, lifting him up in the air very slowly, making sure his little body doesn’t tense in distress.

“We’re going inside, ok? Please don’t claw my face off if you’ll hate it.”

With delicate steps, holding the cat somewhat awkwardly just by his armpits, San steps inside the flat. He can’t actually believe the cat stays so calm in his hold, allowing him to just bring him inside, no objections whatsoever.

“That’s it, you’re inside now, pretty kitty.” San panics a little not knowing what to do now and the cat suddenly starts squirming in the hold, so San instinctively lets him go. The cat lands on the floor, all on fours, elegantly stepping to the cat tree and jumping on the hammock, as if he’s done it a million times already.

“I won’t bother you anymore, ok? Just make yourself home. I’ll bring your bowls inside, please don’t run.” San is still panicked, not quite believing he’s actually brought the cat inside with his own hands. He makes a quick trip out and back inside with the bowls, setting them by the counter in the kitchen where the cat can easily see it.

“I kinda don’t know what to do now.” He says more to himself, scratching at his head. Sure, getting the cat inside was extremely nice but he wasn’t sure if the cat will feel safe enough to stay there when San sleeps or at any other point.

San decides to just take a shower, still not believing the black furball is actually inside, lying peacefully on the hammock and seemingly asleep already. It’s not particularly late yet, but San is so panicked he can’t really focus on anything else, doing stuff almost mechanically.

After taking a shower he immediately steps out, wanting to make sure the cat isn’t in distress, clawing at his doors to escape.

He’s exactly where he left him, asleep on the hammock.

“Unreal.” San whispers to himself and leaves the bathroom doors open just in case something changes , moving on to brush his teeth.

Minutes later he’s out again, trying to think of the possibilities safest to both of them. After all the cat was still a stray, might get spooked by anything while inside and attempt to run away with no exit.

San deems leaving the doors to the patio ajar sensible, even if it allows the cold air to enter the flat freely. He prioritises the cat’s comfort over the heating bills now, he decides.

“I’m leaving the doors slightly open if you want to escape, ok? But I hope you won’t.” San says softly as he approaches the tree, observing the softly snoring cat lovingly. “Seonghwa’s right, I won’t be able to let you go once I name you.” he whispers, taking his phone out to snap a picture. “Especially since I don’t really want to let you go already.” He takes a series of pic even if all of them look exactly the same.

After all, these are the first photos he’s ever taken of the cat, always too afraid to aim the phone at him in case he runs.

Now, in the comfort of the flat, he could take as many pictures as he wanted.

He sent one of them to Seonghwa with three smiley faces, receiving a thumb up in return, followed by one more text.

‘joongie is never visiting you again.’

San chuckles and takes one more look at the cat, sighing to himself. He was about to become a cat owner, the realization came. And it felt like his birthday, the greatest present he could ever think about within his reach, finally.

“Sleep well, pretty kitty. See you in the morning, hopefully.

There’s no response and San just turns on his heels, making sure both bowls are filled with enough food and water, the doors don’t slam open and his bedroom doors remain open if the cat decided to explore the flat during the night.

Once in bed, San does something he knows is an actual madness, knowing he’s at the point of no return now. With trembling fingers he taps the ‘ORDER’ button and browses through the confirmation email seconds later.

He can only hope the cat is here to stay, for real, even if it takes a little more time. He’s already too deep into the commitment.

San isn’t even that surprised when he can’t find the cat anywhere inside the next morning. He’s up early as always, ready to hit the gym before commuting to his office. He’s brushing his teeth after some light, protein packed breakfast, remembering he has to order a litter box for the cat, even if it doesn’t decide to spend his days inside all the time. He’s fine with it, he tells himself, happy he’s trusted enough to actually be the safe space for the cat that two months ago ran away at any sudden movement the human made.

It’s a work in progress, San reminds himself.

He actually leaves the doors open before leaving for the gym, somewhere deep inside hoping the cat will return to the warm flat instead of loitering around the alley or anywhere else he frequents.

He’s focused enough at the gym, falling into a casual conversation with one of the regulars he’s actually familiar with. He has to invite this guy for a beer one day, he seems fun enough to be around.

Once back from the gym San becomes a little sadder seeing how the cat hasn’t really returned and with a heavy heart decides to close the glass doors to the patio, mentally apologizing to the kitty, hoping he’ll be forgiven. He can’t leave his flat completely open whole day, even if the patio isn’t really visible from the streets. Before leaving San puts out the bowls to the tiled terrace outside, putting in an additional blanket into the outside cat house, just to feel a little less guilty about leaving him outside the whole day.

It’s the month end evaluation and San works his ass off, not even joining the conversations today. He decides to just order his lunch into the office, also staying overtime just to make sure all the documents are prepared perfectly, all the numbers making sense in the final settlements.

He’s giddy to come back home, even if he’s trying not to hype himself too much, knowing very well the cat might not be there to spend the evening inside like yesterday.

To his utter surprise, the black furball waits by the doors, patiently sitting right in front of it, the myriad of cat paws stamped onto the glass meaning he was trying to get inside for quite some time now.

“I’m so sorry!” San rushes to the glass doors and opens them hastily, the cat not even hesitating about entering the flat despite San’s somewhat clumsy movements. “I should have left the doors open, shouldn’t I? I hope you’re not mad.”

The cat stops in the middle of the kitchen and turns his little head towards San who observes him carefully, curious what the feline is going to do now that he’s inside. He closes the doors because it’s actually quite cold today and waits, the cat still stuck in the same position.

“Welcome home, kitty.” San deems it sensible to say, putting away his bag and taking off his glasses, putting them on the counter. “Do you want to spend the night inside as well? I hope you will.”

San passes the cat even if he wants to pet him so badly it almost hurts, but chooses to give him freedom for now as he changes from his work attire into a more comfortable sweats and a shirt. He doesn’t hear any concerning noises, meaning the cat isn’t there to bring havoc, so he steps back into the living room, noticing the cat is now sitting by the couch, staring at the general direction of his bedroom.

“Are you hungry? I have some wet food for you, lemme give you some.”

Minutes later he’s sitting on the couch, observing as the cat munches happily on the portion of food, his thick tail curled around his body. San does snap another picture of him, smiling to himself and sending it to Seonghwa as well. He decides to put on some movie, knowing there are no chores for him to fulfil and that he’d rather spend the evening staring at the cat, than doing anything else.

He chooses whatever’s recommended on the streaming app and doesn’t really face the TV, still observing the black furball. The bowl is empty and the cat stretches, his tail lifting beautifully above his form as he slowly steps towards the couch, only to jump up and unceremoniously seat himself on San’s laps.

It does take a few seconds for San to understand what just happened, and to his complete surprise the cat faces the TV, as if to watch the movie as well. He chuckles to himself and slowly lifts his hand, first showing it to the animal and then resting it on top of his head, caressing the silky fur of his head and then lower, petting the cat as much as he allows.

“I’m so happy, pretty kitty.” San whispers to himself and observes as the cat turns his head to the back and catches eye contact, sending him the slow blink San’s learnt to appreciate so much. He blinks back for the sake of it and then nearly survives a heart attack as the kitty changes positions, curling up on his lap into a shape of a perfect ball, comfortably tucking his paws and curling his tail around his body. San realizes his eyes are closed and oh fuck, he’s purring.

The cat is lying in his laps, falling asleep and purring.

Tears well up in his eyes and he’s hesitant to touch the cat again, choosing to circle his hands around the small body instead, not wanting to bother him in his cat nap.

They spend the evening like that, San of course takes a few photos and can’t really focus on the movie anymore, instead staring lovingly at the elegant creature in his lap.

Soon enough it’s time for bed and as much as San would love to just doze off right here with the kitty in his laps, he doesn’t really want to repeat the suffering he’s once gone through after sleeping right on this couch, too wasted to reach his bed.

He has to stand up, which to some extent equals getting the cat off his laps and he actually hates simply thinking about it.

“Kitty?” he tries waking him up, scratching behind the ear. “I’m sorry but I have to sleep now.” The animal doesn’t really move and San does the thing he actually will never forgive himself for. “Forgive me, pretty kitty.”

San scoops the cat and moves him to the couch, pretending he can’t see the glare the feline is sending him. It pains his heart enough as it is.

“I’m really sorry, but I need to wash up. I’ll leave the door open if you want to go, ok?” San explains looking at the sleepy cat, which only yawns and stretches in response.

San dashes for the bathroom to quickly carry out his evening routine, swearing he can hear some foreign sound as he’s brushing his teeth. Concerned, he walks to the door only to realize it’s the cat making the noise, and to his greatest surprise it’s the noise of meowing. Quite loudly and throatily, too.

San opens the doors ready to investigate the cause of the cries, only to see the cat sitting right beside the doorframe, paw extended mid-air as if he was about to tap at the wood.

“You want to come inside?” San opens the door to let him in, but the cat remains seated, not moving a single centimetre but keeping his eyes set on San’s body. San doesn’t really know what to do, the cat’s paw is actually blocking the doors now so he decides to just leave them open, having already taken a shower and changed into his sleeping shorts. He feels the gaze lingering on him and smiles, understanding the cat is slowly getting attached as well.

“I can’t leave the door open whole night. If you wanna go you have to go now, otherwise I won’t be able to let you out until tomorrow morning.” San talks to the cat firmly believing he can understand him, even though deep inside he knows it’s completely impossible. But he hopes the emotions lacing into his words are at least understood by the feline.

The black furball doesn’t move, even when San points to the doors for the last time before closing them for the night.

“You can sleep wherever, I’m leaving my bedroom door open as well, ok?” San walks towards the bedroom, observing as the cat finally gets up and moves towards the hammock, where he spent the previous night.

It’s good enough, San thinks. At least he’s staying inside tonight.

The next morning San lets the cat out because he’s visibly asking for it, thinking about adding some kind of cat door to his window just so he can go out whenever he wants when San’s at the office. When he’s working remote he can easily see the black silhouette tapping at the glass.

He doesn’t omit his routines, diligently walking to the gym and stopping by a grocery store afterwards, not able to stop himself from buying some kind of cat snacks he deems of quality good enough. He does consider buying another toy, but in the end leaves it on the shelf, as the cat was yet to show interest in the ones he already has at home.

As San walked into his building, he noticed a package lying at his door mat. He knew very well what it was and couldn’t wait to unpack it and show it to the kitty as well.

Before logging in to work San browses the net to buy a cat door, compatible with the window in the kitchen. It should arrive the next day and San is actually proud of himself, giving the cat more autonomy if he ever needed to go out or come inside. He also prepares the litter box to place in his bathroom, thankful the cat didn’t pee anywhere in the house.

He was a polite kitty, maybe he just had a personal grudge against Hongjoong for some reason.

San does his best to focus at work, yet he can’t help but look out of the window every now and then, awaiting the return of the cat at any point of the day.

Just after his lunch break, during which San cooked himself some easy meal, the cat appears by the glass doors. San bolts to let him inside.

“Hello.” He says cutely and crouches, hands itching to just lift and smooch the cat, but not allowing himself unless the kitty shows enough interest.

His heart swells when the cat bumps his hand again and slithers under his palm, definitely asking for pets. San hesitates for a second, only to take a chance and sneak his palm under the soft belly, lifting the cat and placing him against his chest.

It’s the very first time he holds the cat this way. His small body is warm and so soft, and despite the awkward hold he finds a comfortable position, San securing the hold by cupping his butt.

The cat does the unthinkable and nuzzles into San’s chest, his thick whiskers tickling at San’s neck. San wants to scream, unable to handle the cuteness and the amount of trust the cat already has for him. He reaches to scratch at his ear, the cat flapping it as he apparently brushed against the sensitive hairs.

“Oh, sorry.” San whispers as he moves to the table where his laptop is stationed. “I actually bought you a present? I don’t know if you’ll allow me to put it on you.” the cat only blinks at him and soon enough they’re seated by the table, San reaching for the package he has already opened, only the black box left to open. Somehow he manages to lift the lid with one hand, reluctant to let go of the cat when he seems so comfortable in the hold.

San reveals the content to the cat who by now seems actually interested in whatever San is doing.

“I thought about it for a while now and I think you deserve a name, you know? As much as I love calling you pretty kitty.”

Inside the box, there’s a pretty, vibrant red, leather collar. San couldn’t help himself and ordered it with a little golden bell, as well as a tag in a shape of a paw, also in gold.

“I want to be your owner, you know? And it’s ok if you don’t understand me, but I wish you stayed here for good.” San grabs the collar and puts it closer to the cat’s nose, to let him sniff it first. “And as your owner, I chose a name for you.”

San slowly puts the collar on cat’s neck, clipping it and making sure it’s not too tight. The delicate jingle of the bell makes him smile, the cat doesn’t seem to hate the feeling of the collar around his neck as he stays put in the hold.

“So,” San leans away to look at the cat, now wearing the prettiest collar he has ever seen.

“Welcome home, Kkamyo.”

San spends the rest of his work day with Kkamyo lying in his laps. Funnily enough the cat actually taps at his hand with his paw and San already knows it means he’s asking for pets, which San gladly provides, actually appreciating the soft body to pet, helping him destress whenever there’s something difficult he has to handle.

Seonghwa of course receives all the updates whether he wants it or not, also getting the picture of the collar and the tag. The tag isn’t there just for the sake of jewellery. It actually has San’s phone number as well as the cat’s name engraved, if he ever gets lost or someone else decides to give him a shelter, thinking he’s a stray.

Choi San was set on getting all that cat owner jazz right on the first try.

Each time he hears the bell jingle during the next three days, San’s heart swells. Kkamyo spends majority of the time inside, going out only two times for a few hours through the cat door San has successfully installed once it was delivered. He’s also ordered one more bed for him, a cute tent with a cat-head shaped entrance.

Kkamyo spent majority of his days sleeping and San didn’t bother him too much, not really knowing how much stress the poor kitty must have already survived in his life. He seemed content enough, allowing San to carry him and even hug him here and there.

He usually stayed in close vicinity of his human, either on the hammock, the couch or San’s laps, where he spent actually majority of his sleep-time.

Evenings were always sets of trials, San adamant on teaching Kkamyo to play at least with the rod, slinging the feathery toy around and dragging it on the floor, trying to enable Kkamyo’s hunting instincts.

It worked, to some extent.

The black furball was slowly opening, showing San his character and all his funny, unpredictable behaviours. The human wasn’t allowed to close the bathroom doors, ever. If he did, Kkamyo would immediately sit right beside the door frame and start meowing loudly, borderline yowling. It sounded scary at first and San ran panicked barely pulling his pants up, only to realize the cat was fucking around with him and waiting for San to open the door, staring at him innocently.

It was a little embarrassing and ridiculous at first when he had to leave the door ajar, but realized Kkamyo never actually entered the bathroom, simply hating the idea of any border between him and his owner.

If it made his cat happy, San could easily learn to take care of his business leaving the doors open.

San was a little reluctant to leave for his office. He knew Kkamyo had everything he could possibly need at home.

But there was still this fear inside him that Kkamyo would leave and never come back. He did consider locking the cat door to make sure he won’t escape, but didn’t want to scare the kitty and lock him up against his will. A panicked cat was the last he needed right now.

San leaves for the office finally, after making sure Kkamyo has enough fresh food both outside and inside, now having two sets of bowls after San brought home the one he first put out in the alley. Bathroom doors were left open to access the litter box, his bedroom was also open if the cat decided to check out his bed.

He nearly returns home during his lunch break, just to check if his kitty is alright.

The commute back home after work takes three times longer than usual according to San’s panicked mind, anxiously tapping at his phone and stressing out to his friend, Seonghwa trying to calm him down.

San was yet to invite him and Hongjoong over to let them meet and maybe fix the relationship they started on a wrong foot. He decided he’ll give Kkamyo a little more time, not wanting to stress him out when he’s finally found his peace.

He opens the main doors hastily, taking quick, long steps towards the doors of his flat. He swears he can hear some commotion behind the final barrier, quickly realizing it must be the cat running frantically towards the doors. San spends a second taking it in, hopefully believing Kkamyo actually ran to the doors to welcome him.

He finally punches in the code and pulls at the door, revealing the vision he hoped would be true.

Kkamyo actually sits by the doors and even if he’s not panting, San can see he’s jittery as if he truly ran just now.

“Are you welcoming me home, pretty kitty?” San asks not even hesitating to scoop the cat and hug him, nuzzling into his little face, just like Kkamyo usually does. “Did you miss me?” Kkamyo actually meows in response, bumping his head into San’s jaw, stretching his paws until he’s resting them on San’s neck. “Kisses and hugs to welcome me?” San asks smooching the top of the cat’s head, feeling the feline freezing in the hold.

Only to start purring two seconds later.

The bell jingles with each step the cat makes, San smiling to himself so widely his cheeks actually start hurting. San is preparing some light evening snack, hoping to unwind after a week of work and celebrate the progress he and Kkamyo have made.

“Do you want to taste tuna?” San asks as he wraps the rice balls, having filled them with spicy tuna mix. Kkamyo of course stays by his side, observing him from the top level of his cat tree. San takes a little of unseasoned fish and puts it on his palm, stretching it out for the cat, who gladly takes the piece and munches on it happily. “You like it, hm?” the cat only licks his lips and San decides to give him one more tiny piece, not wanting to risk any gastric problems of the pet.

San decides to eat his rice balls at the table, feeling the heaviness of the feline’s stare with each bite he takes. Of course he’d love to spoil him rotten but he promised to be a responsible owner.

He gives him three pieces of cat snacks instead.

Saturday is for cleaning, and despite the flat being rather small San spends half of the day vacuuming and moping the floors, Kkamyo politely leaving through the cat door but not walking too far, choosing to hide in his outdoor house to avoid the noise. The weather isn’t that terrible despite the autumn arriving with her full force, but San can easily see how Kkamyo snuggles into the plush blanket he’s put inside the house days ago.

Another picture in his gallery later San decides to make a shopping list, running low on basic ingredients. He also has to punch in two hours at the gym, deciding to visit after cleaning. With the amount of housework he’s already done today he could easily skip it, but he was way too fixated on keeping his body in the form that he’s worked for so diligently.

“I’ll be back in a couple of hours, ok? And maybe we’ll watch the movie later.” San says as he leans over the cat tree where Kkamyo sits, not even surprised to receive a head bump against the forehead from his cat. He blinks very slowly at the feline but this time doesn’t receive a blink back, instead seeing as Kkamyo just turns around and curls himself into a perfect round shape, butt facing San.

The human just chuckles because, what else can he do, and leaves realizing he’s not as anxious about leaving the cat home alone anymore.

In the last week Kkamyo didn’t disappear for longer than four hours, and it happened only twice. He spent the nights inside, majority of the day as well. If not, he hung around in the patio, chasing bugs or stretching on the table to his full length, probably catching the last of sunshine to warm his body.

San didn’t even realize how absorbing the cat has become. Kkamyo brought so much positiveness into his life San didn’t even remember about his heartbreak anymore. His mind was filled with the black furball and pride of how quickly he managed to befriend him and exchange trust.

His session at the gym was easy, even shopping didn’t seem as mundane anymore. carrying two full bags of food San felt almost floaty, happy to be returning to his kitty already. When he was passing the alley where Kkamyo used to reside, he heard a meow. A too familiar meow.

“Kkamyo?” he asks and sees his cat strutting towards him, his mismatched eyes staring at him happily. “Why are you here, hm? Couldn’t wait to see me again?” he asks crouching on the pavement, the cat bumping against his knee. “I can’t carry you, kitty, you’ll have to follow me home or just jump the fence again, ok?” San is about to stand up and lift the bags when Kkamyo pounces off the ground, swiftly landing on San’s shoulders and securing his spot there.

The cat is sitting on his shoulder and despite the delicate prickling of his claws San endures, slowly lifting himself off the ground, testing if the cat can hold the balance.

Minutes later when he’s already unpacking the shopping bags, Kkamyo remains on his shoulder. And it doesn’t look like he wants to leave anytime soon. San doesn’t even mind the slight pain the cat causes him and is actually impressed with how well the feline is balancing his body, even if San leans to put away the groceries in the lower shelves.

Groceries are unpacked and Kkamyo still resides on the shoulder, San now growing curious how long he’ll be able to stay there. He decides to take a selfie, making some funny faces as he points at the cat. Seonghwa receives three of them.

“You’re really something, pretty kitty.” San says as he reaches over his head to scratch the cat, cooing quietly as he hears him purring and nuzzling into his temple, the bell jingling softly. “Maybe you wanna cuddle today, hm? There’s a movie I wanna see, I may actually need an emotional support since it’s quite sad.”

San changes into plain t-shirt and shorts, since the heating was greatly turned up in his building due to autumnal drop in temperatures, unfortunately forced to take Kkamyo off his shoulder, Since it was already Friday, San grabbed a can of beer from the store, allowing himself to relax and unwind after the week of work. He brought a blanket to the couch just to cosy up and finally sits down, putting on the movie he’s chosen beforehand.

“You’re allowed on the couch, you know that.” he says quietly as if not to disturb the movie, even if he’s the sole viewer. Kkamyo sits on his cat tree by the TV, his little ears bending backwards as he was situated a little too close to the speaker. He jumps down elegantly and San’s just observes him, seeing how the cat closes the distance and jumps up on the couch, sitting next to San, but not close enough to be touching him yet.

“You’re also welcome to cuddle me, Kkamyo.” San chuckles and he swears the cat sends him a side eye, quickly choosing to take a swig of beer before he takes another hundred pictures of the adorableness by his side.

The movie is sad, as San has expected. The action unrolls slowly, but the overall feeling is rather depressive. San swallows the last of his beer and decides to lie down, manoeuvring his legs carefully so it doesn’t bother the cat. He also throws the blanket over his legs, realizing it wasn’t really that warm in the flat.

He’s fuzzy around the edges, the world seems a little lighter when he thinks about it. He still feels the same sadness because of the plot, but it’s not as overwhelming now. San feels relaxed, happy to spend yet another evening with Kkamyo, who seems to be actually watching the movie as well. The human chuckles because despite already being used to talking to the cat, the idea of the animal watching and understanding the movie is actually beyond ridiculous.

The plot gets even sadder now, the main character facing problems San can’t really relay to, but his empathy surely worked double-time now. He was a crier, not afraid to bare his emotions, thus why he felt a few hot drops of tears already trickling down his face. There’s even a sob escaping and he actually wipes his face with his shirt, the alcohol in his system, although in tiny amount, strengthening his emotions as well.

He doesn’t tear his gaze from the TV, suddenly feeling something pressing first into his thighs, then belly and finally chest. He looks to the front and realizes Kkamyo climbed him all the way up, finally sitting on his chest and staring right at him, although San felt like the cat was able to stare so deep he could read everything from his soul.

“Hey, baby boy,” San whispers with his voice choked up, reaching his palm to pet the kitty’s form. Kkamyo closes his eyes and leans into the touch, producing a silly soft sound, something akin to a meow mixed with purr. San only smiles at him and scratches at his ear, “came here to cuddle, hm? You can’t stand seeing me cry?” Kkamyo only meows, lowering his body until he’s properly spread on San’s chest, finding comfortable position on the worked-out pectorals, even stretching his front paws out until one, soft bean-paw is touching at San’s neck, slightly ticklish.

“You’re the cutest, pretty kitty.” San gathers courage and gives a quick prayer before leaning his head up and giving the cat a kiss on the head, hopeful he won’t get his face clawed away.

Kkamyo doesn’t really react anyway, only stretching out his hind legs slightly more, melting into San’s body as he finally found the best position. San dares one more kiss and smiles when Kkamyo accepts it once more. He’s got that stupid smile as he relaxes back into the couch again, his hand mindlessly petting the cat’s soft fur as he purrs so delicately San doesn’t even realize when he’s falling asleep as well, all the sorrow caused by movie forgotten immediately.

San has absolutely idea what is happening all of sudden. He’s torn away from his peaceful dreamland by a noise he hasn’t heard before, at least not in such intensity, so close to his face.

He groggily opens his eyes and tries to see anything in the complete darkness surrounding him. TV turned itself off already, his phone was out of reach. But he was sure of one thing. Kkamyo was sitting on his chest, shamelessly digging all fours paws into his body and meowing, his voice carrying a hint of growl as well.

“What’s happening?” San asks in a whisper, trying to decide what to do now. The cat keeps on screaming in his face and as much as it’s concerning, it’s also a little bothersome, the pitch and loudness of his cat certainly not a desired wake up call.

Of course Kkamyo does not reply, instead now also dipping his claws into San’s chest and nearly piercing his skin, his adamant voice not stopping for a second.

“Ok, ok, I’m getting up.” San throws, instinctively grabbing the cat and getting him off, lifting himself off the couch as well. He blindly reaches for the light switch, definitely stubbing his toe on the way. It takes a few seconds until his eyes adjust to sudden lightness, the black furball now gone from the couch. San scans the room and notices Kkamyo sitting by his bowls. Cold sweat rushes over San.

“Fuck,” he slaps his hand against his face. “I forgot to feed you today.” Kkamyo just looks at him, his pretty amber and sky eyes remain glued to his face. “I’m so sorry, kitty.” San pounces to the shelf where he keeps the food, pouring enough of a portion and deciding to give Kkamyo half a bowl of wet food as well, knowing the cat didn’t eat enough today.

“I’m really sorry, fuck.” He watches as the cat munches happily on his food, finally gazing at the clock by the fridge. 2 A.M greeted his eyes.

He yawns languidly, deciding to just brush his teeth and hit the bed, not feeling like ending the movie anymore. Minutes later he’s comfortable under the cover, still listening to Kkamyo chewing at the kibble. He made sure to pour some fresh water as well, not wanting to risk any more mistakes.

On Saturday evening San decides to invite Seonghwa and Hongjoong for an in-house, easy lunch tomorrow. It’s about time the couple finally met his baby boy properly, even when San knew they’ve already met, at least to some extent.

Seonghwa agrees nearly immediately after seeing the invitation, promising to bring some cat snacks San has approved of beforehand. He knew better than to risk gifting Kkamyo something unhealthy.

San spent Sunday morning cleaning around the flat with Kkamyo observing him curiously from the top level of his tree. He made sure to feed his kitty in the morning, spending enough time petting and playing around with him as well. San still feels somewhat guilty about forgetting to feed him the other day, even if Kkamyo doesn’t seem to hold any grudge.

“We’re having guests, later on. Seonghwa said you met him already, some time ago. He also said that you peed on his boyfriend’s pants once, too.” San doesn’t meant to scold but his tone surely betrays his emotions as the cat flattens his ear, just slightly. “Please don’t do that today, ok, pretty kitty?”

Kkamyo only jumps down and hides in his tent house on the floor, butt facing the entrance. San only rolls his eyes and sincerely hopes his cat will behave despite the apparent sulk. Hongjoong seemed hesitant enough about visiting him as it was, he didn’t need any more reasons caused by his cat, on top of all.

Nearly two hours later the doorbell finally sounds and San happily buzzes his friends in, already unlocking the doors and waiting for them to enter. Kkamyo hasn’t come out at all, and San does not plan on forcing him out, as much as he wants to show off his kitty right this moment. If the cat’s brave enough, he’ll welcome the guests in his time.

“San-ah!” Seonghwa hugs him warmly, barely having stepped through the threshold, San gladly returning the hug. “It’s so good to see you, finally.”

“Same here, hyung.” Seonghwa lets him go and San moves to Hongjoong to greet him with a hug as well. “Hi, hyung.” He pats Hongjoong’s back and feels the latter doing the same, the two exchange smiles after letting go.

“I’ve actually already ordered food from the restaurant I found a few days ago, it should be here soon.” San announces as the couple takes off the jackets and shoes. They move to the living room and Seonghwa keeps on looking around, humming to himself and nodding, seemingly enjoying all the little details that have appeared in the flat since the last time he’s been there.

“You’re really committed to all that cat owner role, hm?” Seonghwa asks, accepting the water San poured for him as he touches the cushiony level of the giant cat tree, a soft smile spreading on his lips.

“Yeah, I want only the best for Kkamyo.” They move to the couch where the tent with the black furball is easily visible, the cat now lifting his head to look at the new people in his home. “Will you come out to us, pretty kitty?” San asks quietly and catches eye contact with the feline, blinking slowly at his cat, happy to receive a slow blink back. “He’ll be joining us shortly.”

“How do you know that?” Hongjoong asks, still a little hesitant to even look at the black butt properly. His overall stance was rather tense, maybe a little awkward. San chose not to comment, not wanting to point out the discomfort in any way, only hoping his hyung will be able to relax soon.

“Oh, Kkamyo is really smart. Sometimes I believe he actually understands human speech, he just can’t reply.”

“San-ah, I love you, but this sounds a little…”

“Like you’re in need of a psychiatric consultation.” Hongjoong finishes his boyfriend’s sentence, receiving a painful slap on the thigh in return.

“Frankly, I don’t care. This cat is different and we have our own secret language and you’re just jealous.” And San sticks out his tongue, like he’s five. Seonghwa snorts and Hongjoong groans against his palm. San can’t help but laugh, glad to make his friends doubt his levels of sanity. The atmosphere switched to comfortable so easily he keeps on smiling. All his nerves seemed to let go, too.

Plus, he didn’t lie. There really was something special in their bond.

“Kkamyo? Can you join us?” he asks softly, seeing as the cat started moving around in the tent, now sitting facing them, still keeping all his paws inside. Seonghwa slowly slides to the edge of the couch, excited to welcome the cat with pets. He also has the snacks hidden in his purse as his secret weapon.

Kkamyo finally emerges, first stretching his body so much San swears it’s the first time he’s seen his body stretching to this length. Few slow, soundless steps forward and the cat is sitting in front of all of them, only allowing to look, keeping the distance big enough to disallow any petting yet.

“Well, that’s a progress.” Seonghwa says softly, smiling at the cat while Hongjoong scoots ever further into the couch, hiding behind Seonghwa. “And he’s actually so pretty, he looks so much better than when we saw him in that alley. You really take good care of him, San-ah.”

San smiles proudly at the praise, sending Kkamyo a quick look to see how he’s coping. He wants to stretch his hand out and maybe pet him, but allows the cat to present himself only when he feels comfortable enough.

The three of them settle for talking, sharing the gossips about their common friends, talking about dramas at their workplaces and sharing recipes Seonghwa has recently tried out. They eat the lunch which was delivered sometime in between, washing it down with water as their throats grew dry from all the talking. It’s so nice, just chatting with his friends about everything and anything, comfortably spewing nonsense and laughing until his stomach cramps and his dimples show.

It’s the easiness of the atmosphere, of being himself with the people who he can easily call his family. Despite everything, despite his heart already having healed, San missed that feeling of being allowed dependency on another people and finally allowing himself to crave and reach out for it.

Throughout it all Kkamyo finally joins them, partially lured by the rustling bag of treats Seonghwa has sneakily pulled out after their meal, gladly accepting two tasty pieces. San welcomes him in his laps, petting the cat nearly excessively for behaving so well and greeting the guests, even with such delay.

They continue talking but now San has his hands occupied, smiling to himself each time he hears the bell jingle as he bumps his fingers against the collar while scratching the cat.

Kkamyo eventually allows Seonghwa to pet him, even if he has to reach his hand over Hongjoong who doesn’t really look eager to touch the cat, but nonetheless coos quietly when he sees how the cat nuzzles into his boyfriend’s hand. Few more minutes and his body relaxes again, the purrs Kkamyo keeps on producing finally breaking the wall in his heart.

“I admit, he’s not so bad.” Hongjoong finally says, now scooted closer to Seonghwa and observing the cat curiously. The view was too cute and Seonghwa looked so happy as well, Hongjoong actually considers reaching out to touch the kitty, giving himself a little more time to gather courage.

“Told you. He was just scared of you, of anyone I suppose. He was just a poor stray back then. He didn’t mean to pee on you, I’m sure of that. Right, pretty kitty?” San lifts Kkamyo and hugs him closer, the cat melting completely against his chest immediately. “Now he knows you mean no harm.”

“Yeah, I can forgive him. Although those were my favourite pan-“ before Hongjoong can finish his sentence, a terrible sneeze interrupts him and he barely manages to cover his face with an elbow.

Everything happening afterwards feels like it’s filmed in slow motion.

San feels a piercing pain in his chest, then the cat is slipping out of his hold before he can actually register it.

The next thing he hears is a crack, sounding too much like glass shattering.

Then, there’s a sorrowful yowl followed by a frantic patter of tiny paws on the floor, the black balls zooming through the kitchen only to finally burst through the glass of the doors to the patio.

San springs up not paying any attention to the pain on his chest, running like a madman towards the glass doors leading to the patio, carelessly stepping over the shattered glass pieces as he steps outside.

He can feel his heartbeat in his throat.

Please, please, Kkamyo please be alright, please baby boy don’t be hurt-

His mind is frantically looping as is San whipping his head left and right, looking for his hopefully uninjured cat.

The crimson red dots on the tiles right in front of his feet crush all his hopes.

“Kkamyo!” he wails stepping further, begging the destiny to allow him find the cat and take him to the vet as quick as possible, not even wanting to think about the gravity of his injuries. “Come here kitty, please!”

San frantically scans the surroundings, but knowing the speed his cat can reach Kkamyo might as well already be at the other side of the fence, running away fuelled by pure panic.

“San! He’s here!” he hears Seonghwa’s voice behind and runs towards him, seeing his friend pointing to the outer cat house he’s ran past before.

San falls to his knees and nearly sticks his head inside, seeing the black furball pressed into the furthest corner of the house. He sighs in relief, at least partially, knowing he’s yet to calculate the cat’s condition and eventually take him to the vet.

“I know you’re scared baby boy, but please, please come here, I need to take a look at you.” San says as softly as possible, curling in front of the house and reaching his hand inside, waiting for his kitty to approach. He doesn’t want to force him out, but if Kkamyo doesn’t cooperate he might have to, as much as he actually hates it.

And exactly that happens, San’s heart hurts hearing Kkamyo’s painful yowl but he manages to manoeuvre him out of his hiding, pressing him against his chest and rushing to his bedroom, knowing there’s no escape from there.

He doesn’t even say a word to the couple, which hopefully understands the situation, San’s trembling form and teary eyes surely enough of an indication.

“Please let me look at you, I’m so sorry, baby.” San whispers and sits the cat in his laps, his trembling hands gripping at Kkamyo’s equally trembling body a little too forcefully, but he can’t really control himself all too well right now. They’re both panicked.

There’s blood, San can see it despite the cat’s dark fur, his beautiful sky blue eye now tinted red. San feels like vomiting because of how panicked he is, the possibility of Kkamyo losing his eye because of the glass suddenly haunting his mind.

“Hyung!” San calls out, his choked up voice scaring even him. “We need to go to the vet, immediately. Can you drive us?” he hopes Seonghwa can hear him as he grabs a blanket and wraps the trembling cat who thankfully allows San to manoeuvre him however, not even knowing what to expect further on.

“Of course San-ah, let’s go.” Seonghwa replies and San hides the cat in the blanket completely, making sure there’s a hole for him to breath.

“I’m so sorry, kitty. Please be alright, baby boy. My heart is about to break.” He whispers as he hugs the trembling cocoon to his chest.

Two hours later San brings the exact same cocoon back home, only that it’s not trembling anymore.

Kkamyo’s asleep, just like the vet said, the pain relief and anti-inflammatory meds doing their part in calming him down. Despite being asleep, Kkamyo keeps on purring. The vet has explained cats purr for self-healing purposes and San feels guilty for not knowing it before.

He feels guilty about many things that day, but especially about not checking for the nearest vet clinic before today. It would have certainly saved a lot of stress while Hongjoong drove them with Seonghwa tapping at his phone searching for any clinic nearby and San crying at the backseat and whispering to Kkamyo all the time.

The vet turned out to be a very compassionate person, letting them skip the queue and taking care of the poor black furball immediately. Kkamyo was given meds after a quick interview, during which San didn’t let him go even for a second. The shots were necessary and it was a struggle, but they somehow managed.

San cried even more hearing all the pained meows and hisses Kkamyo kept on producing.

Thankfully the injury wasn’t as grave as San suspected. The blood he’s seen in the eye was actually trickling down the forehead, oozing from the wound. Few drops of saline and the sky blues were back, crystal clear.

The wound itself wasn’t that big, but the skin was busted in four different directions creating a plus-shaped wound on the cat’s forehead. The skull hasn’t cracked, which was the most important thing San has heard that day. The vet wasn’t even able to put any stitches because despite how bad it looked, the wound would close up itself within days.

“As long as he doesn’t scratch it.”

Seonghwa and Hongjoong of course gave him a lift back and San could see just how guilty Hongjoong felt, apologizing time and time again for scaring the cat with his damn sneeze so much.

San assured him thousand times it’s not his fault at all, but it didn’t stop Hongjoong from giving him one last apology as San was leaving the car with Kkamyo wrapped in the blanket, directing half of them to the sleeping cat himself.

Now, in the safety of his bedroom, San lays Kkamyo onto his bed, placing him by the pillows. The kitty is snoring softly, his soft purrs the only sound filling the otherwise quiet room, his wound isn’t bleeding anymore, fortunately. He was given instructions how to care for him and scheduled the check-up visit, the vet advising him to get a rabies shot once the cat’s condition is back to normal again.

“Poor baby.” San whispers as he looks at the kitty, cutely curled up in the blanket. San didn’t want to remove him from the cocoon completely, so he just left the cat covered, the black furball curling himself into a perfect round donut and sleeping peacefully.

He’s hesitant as what to do now. The vet said the meds should work for a few hours at least. The stress is finally dissipating and San regains full consciousness, the stress-induced fog finally clearing up. He realizes he’s terribly hungry, despite the meal he’s shared with his friends before the disaster came up. With a heavy heart San decides to leave Kkamyo in his bed and check the damages in his flat.

His heart swells when he sees all the broken glass is already cleaned up, most surely by his friends while he was caved in his bedroom praying Kkamyo would be alright. The hole in the glass remains however, so he’s quickly looks for services specializing in such repairs, scheduling a visit on Monday morning. He also informs his team leader he’ll be working remote whole week, his request easily approved seconds later.

In the late evening San checks on Kkamyo once again, not being able to leave him alone for longer than fifteen minutes. He seems awake now, slowly coming to, stretching and yawning cutely, no sign of blood anywhere around him.

“Hey, baby boy.” San says softly, carefully approaching the cat, not wanting to spook him any further now that he’s awake. Kkamyo just blinks at him, still sleepy, paw already sticking out from underneath the blanket. “You gave me a real scare, back there.” 

It’s not scolding, in any form. San just appreciates his pet is alright, despite the still visible wound in the middle of his forehead. He crouches by the bed and stares at the kitty, the black void staring right back.

“Hongjoong apologized so many times I lost count, please don’t be mad at him.” he says and carefully pets the cat, not letting his hand even hover above the head. “And you’ll be alright too, the vet said you’re a brave kitty.”

Kkamyo starts purring even louder while receiving the pets, turning to his side to give San more area to caress. It makes him smile, for the first time in a few hours, seeing his cat in a rather good condition.

“Please stay here for the night, I want to make sure you’re alright.” San says softly, blinking slowly at the cat. He lifts the cat off the bed, knowing the meds still might have him dizzy, and brings him to the bowls, where Kkamyo slowly takes sips of water and even eats a bit of the wet food. San then carries him back to the bed, promising to return within minutes after he takes a shower.

And so he does, lying in his bed with Kkamyo with nearly no distance between them, leaving the light on in the bathroom, just in case the cat needs to go through the night. What he does not expect, is for Kkamyo to get up from the warmed up blanket and just plop right beside his head on the pillow, making sure their heads are touching.

“Oh, kitty.” San coos and turns towards the cat, not able to stop himself from pressing a soft kiss behind his ear, heart swelling from the overwhelming cuteness. Kkamyo is purring and it’s that exact sound that quickly lulls them both to sleep, San’s hand reached out so it’s just about touching his pretty kitty’s body.

Days pass, the wound closes up completely without any further complications, thanks to San’s diligent care. Kkamyo behaves normally the very next day after the incident, only bothered by the apparently itchy sensation on his forehead, trying to paw at it only to get scolded by his owner.

The glass in the doors gets replaced, the check-up visit goes well and despite the hateful hisses and desperate meows Kkamyo gets his rabies shot, the vet deeming him in condition good enough to receive it either way. He praises San for taking such a good care of the cat, promising Kkamyo will walk out with just a tiny scar on his forehead, which will be covered by the fur either way.

The autumn grows colder, but their friendship grows only closer and warmer. The scab on cat’s forehead is long gone, the tiniest of scars barely visible as San parts the fur to inspect it. As if has never happened. San feels like it truly hasn’t as the adrenaline pumping in his veins that day must have erased part of his memories. He doesn’t regret it, only hoping he will never have to live through all that ever again.

Seonghwa and Hongjoong visit them again soon enough, after endless invitations from San and reassurances towards Hongjoong that Kkamyo certainly does not hold any grudges.

As if to prove it, Kkamyo welcomes them right at the door when they arrive and even chooses Hongjoong’s laps to lie on that evening, much to everyone’s surprise.

San is already used to having Kkamyo sleeping on his chest, by his head, on his laps or actually whenever else as long he’s touching or cuddling into his owner. There’s a separate folder just for Kkamyo’s pictures on his phone, his family finally being informed of a new family member via a ton of messages and photos of the kitty.

San likes his life now. He found his balance and even if there are days when his heart clenches when a particular thing reminds him of his previous relationship and heartbreak, he clenches his teeth and doesn’t allow it to sadden him too much. Kkamyo is right by his side in a second, sensing his human’s sadness and bringing him a toy, or if he’s trying to be especially funny, brings him a pair of bundled up socks or sometimes just one.

San often wonders just where the hell does his cat find all these socks.

But one evening, after logging off work and stretching, ready to cook himself some dinner, San looks at the date, seemingly for the first time that day.

“Oh…”

He so wishes he hadn’t looked at the top of his phone screen.

Maybe then his perfectly healed heart hasn’t squeezed painfully in his chest for the first time in months, his mind wouldn’t bring up the memories he’s so carefully pushed into the deepest, darkest and most locked up drawer in his brain.

It would be their fifth anniversary, today.

San remains glued to his chair, mindlessly staring at the wall.

He can’t really name the emotion ruling over his mind, now. It’s weird, numbing, bothersome, as if his guts were getting squeezed with inhumane force but he couldn’t really feel pain, just the discomfort. His mind runs, serving him a myriad of recollections of various moments of his past relationship, both happy and sad, projecting in his mind with too colours way to vivid for a person who has already healed.

It’s his ex’s laughing face, their soft voice while confessing, all the adorable moments, their little dates, celebrations of birthdays and anniversaries. Everything that once made him happy.

Hid mind grows numb as well, all the thoughts separated by a wall of foil, memories muffled but still trying to overwhelm, puncturing little dots into the wall and spilling right back.

San realizes he’s crying.

He doesn’t even know why and when the tears started leaking.

He lets his mind run, allows all the sorrow and numbness spread all over him.

In all that chaos he realizes he doesn’t really miss his ex, not the person they were.

He misses the stability of what he believed was forever, misses the simple, unrushed affection of another person, misses being able to love and being loved in return.

But, maybe he truly loved too hard.

There’s a faint sound of a bell jingling but he can’t find it in himself to look at the source.

He’s slumped in the chair, staring blankly at the reflection in the black screen of his laptop.

Tears keep on running and he should wipe the salty tracks, maybe at least blow his nose, but he doesn’t. He’s so overtaken by the negative emotion he hasn’t feel for months now he just can’t find even a starting point to navigate through the endless sea of sorrow.

His stomach hurts and San knows somewhere deep inside that he’s just hungry, but even that doesn’t really tear him away.

It’s just… too hard.

San gets abruptly snapped out of his locked up mind by a sharp pain in his leg.

To his absolute shock, he yelps and stands up so suddenly he sends the chair flying behind himself.

“Hey!” he looks down to see the vague glimmer of eyes right by his leg. He realizes Kkamyo must have bit him on the shin, now keeping his claws nearly pierced into his skin. “Kkamyo, get off!” he shakes his leg slightly to make the cat let go, but the black ball bites him once again and this time he actually yelps in pain, bending down to grab the cat and get him off, in pure disbelief he was actually hurt by his own friend.

“Bad kitty, why did you bite me?!” San hold the black furball in some distance from his body, a little unsure about his behaviour right now. After all, it’s the first time Kkamyo’s shown any sign of aggression towards him.

San puts the cat on his tree and sends him a glare, off to the kitchen to grab the kit and disinfect the wound, two of them actually.

“Are you mad? Your bowl is full, you’ve got all those toys, can’t you leave me alone for a moment?!” San shouldn’t shout at the cat, especially when his ears were already lying flat on his head. But the bites really hurt and San was still a little… all over the place with his emotions.

He takes care of his shin, unhappy with the two puncture wounds on his left leg. The supplies get cleaned up and San doesn’t feel hungry anymore. In fact, he can’t really seem to find any particular emotion in his system right now.

Not even looking at the cat San grabs his gym bag and leaves the flat, not realizing the slow blinking Kkamyo sends him from his cat tree.

He pours all negativity into his session at the gym, stacking up the weights and punching in reps, the adrenaline coming both from his sadness and the unpleasant situation with Kkamyo fuelling him to do more and more, push his body until he finally feels nothing, but now the peaceful, quiet nothing inside his head.

Two hours later San is on his way back home, his mind so much clearer, so much calmer.

He does stop by his favourite grocery store, just to buy a bag of dried anchovies.

Kkamyo deserves an apology.

To his biggest surprise he can hear the bell jingling and the familiar patter of tiny paws stomping on the wooden floor. San smiles to himself, the guilt eating at his heart now.

“Hey, baby boy.” He puts the bag on the floor and lifts the cat immediately, snuggling him close to his chest and leaning down to press dozen of kisses to his tiny head.

“I’m sorry, pretty kitty. I was just so angry, I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

San decides it’s a perfect moment to pass the cat his apology gift, putting four pieces of dried fish into his bowl, letting the cat munch on them happily as he changes into some more comfortable clothes.

“I’ll order some take out and we’ll watch a movie, ok? I hope I’m forgiven.” San says looking as the cat swallows the last of the fish Kkamyo comes strutting right to his side and nuzzles against his shin, right where the bites are, his pretty eyes closed as he rubs his cheeks all over. It makes him smile, feeling the soft fur tickling against his skin, the soft purrs reaching his ears even when he’s standing.

“You’re forgiven too. I know you didn’t mean bad.”

When the dinner’s finished San finally rests on his couch, wearing only his shorts. The jajangmyeon sauce defeated his shirt today and San felt way too lazy to fetch another one, especially when the heating was so generous in the flat.

He wasn’t sad anymore, but there was still that lingering unpleasant feeling deep within. He knew he was ready to love again, but somehow he couldn’t find it in himself to search, to go through all those unsure dating stages, to learn another person and unravel all of him in return.

Kkamyo joins him on the couch and without a second of hesitation jumps on his chest as San’s lying down, snuggling comfortably into San’s warm body only to spread out a second later, paw dangling limply and toes just about grazing his neck.

“Pretty kitty.” San whispers and gives him one more kiss, finally playing the movie he’s chosen for today. The plot isn’t too complicated but pleasant nonetheless, something easy and uncomplicated for his strained mind today. His hand keeps on caressing Kkamyo who’s having the nap of his life on top of his chest, purring loudly, snuggled in so comfortably San actually gets jealous.

“You know what? If I wasn’t dumped, I wouldn’t have you, baby boy.” San whispers softly, careful not to wake the cat up. “And if I didn’t have you, my life would be so, so much less fun.” San turns to face the cat and even if the pet is asleep, his beautiful eyes hidden like the most precious gems, San’s lips turn into a soft smile. “I love you, Kkamyo. Thank you for allowing me to love you”

Kkamyo was just a cat, San knew. But for now he was the one receiving San’s overflowing love, and to some extent San liked to believe the cat loved him as much, as ridiculous as it sounded.

Living with Kkamyo was fun, even if it meant playing fetch with a bunched up balls of socks (San still didn’t know where the hell the cat kept on getting those) in the middle of the night, spoiling him rotten with the best of foods and sticking to their routines, cuddling on the couch, sleeping in bed every night now, vacuuming the stubborn fur off every possible surface in the flat and many other curiosities, all of which Seonghwa and Hongjoong were kept up to date with.

The time when Kkamyo decided to attack his butt, however, remained unspoken of. It was Sunday after all and San decided to laze around, ignoring the rumbling of his hungry stomach until nearly noon. Kkamyo wasn’t as patient and decided to show his owner his frustration, barging into San’s bedroom the moment he was changing from his sleeping shorts and attacking his buttcheek spot on, his sharp fangs not piercing the skin but grazing painfully enough to leave a mark, later on blooming into a rather nicely coloured bruise covering half of his right buttcheek.

Sitting at work has been a challenge for nearly a week.

Kkamyo has grown perfectly comfortable over time and San swears the cat got both a character and an attitude, fearlessly showing it each day. He wasn’t destructive when it came to home appliances and furniture, but he certainly knows how to show San when he dislikes something or when he wants San to do whatever his little head came up with.

A series of sweet moments is always laced with Kkamyo pulling at his leg pants to make the human look at his empty bowls and San swears he’s already fed him today, but when the amber and sky blue eyes stare at him so pleadingly he can’t help but pour a little more food into the bowl, maybe give him a snack or maybe even two.

Kkamyo rarely ever leaves the flat anymore, going outside just to spend time within the area of the patio, playing around in his outer house with some toy or hunt bugs on the grass.

There are days, very rare, when Kkamyo waits for San in the alley, knowing he has to pass him while walking home from the bus stop. He always climbs his shoulder and they go back home, cuddling and eating together after spending the day apart.

When San leaves the shower after the morning gym session, Kkamyo has to spend at least a few minutes on his shoulder, his little tongue licking at his hairline and smoothing his hair back with a delicate paw. San has read this might be what the cat considers a grooming session, so earnestly delivered to his beloved owner. Kkamyo would spend minutes just licking all over his head, setting his hair in different directions and smoothing it with his paw afterwards, often time pawing at his ears and flicking them, as if he was displeased with them being situated on the side of his head instead of the top.

Kkamyo loves sleeping on San’s chest the most, however. He usually falls asleep when San is resting on the couch in the evenings, watching a movie or playing some games, Kkamyo melting into his owner’s broad chest, which is almost always bare because that’s how San usually sleeps.

They would move to the bedroom in the middle of the night where Kkamyo would either come back to his favourite sleeping spot on top of San or just lie on his own pillow which San decided was necessary, staying close enough just so their heads are touching while they fall asleep.

And even if San was still alone, he wasn’t lonely. Kkamyo was just a cat, but he was the best cat in the world in San’s eyes. He was biased and it wasn’t like there was any competition to begin with.

The destiny knew very well how to write the script for his life, San was sure of that.

“We’re almost done with this season, baby boy.” San says softly as the screen shows the ‘Play next episode’ option as the ending credits roll. He’s been pretty hooked on these particular series, as per Seonghwa’s recommendation. Kkamyo was of course lying on his chest, napping through the lazy Saturday afternoon. The early spring treated them lovely, the sun was warming up the city so pleasantly San was considering getting a blanket and just lying outside on the grass, ready to take a nap together with his kitty in the patio.

“Aren’t you the cutest?” San scratches behind cat’s ear who just nuzzles into his hand, rubbing his cheek all over the palm and yawning, showing San all his pointy teeth and fangs. “You’re right, we should take a nap now. I’m feeling lazy enough, maybe I should just skip the gym today?” San knows Kkamyo would laugh only if he could because there was absolutely no way San would ever be able to skip the gym. It was his religion, at this point.

San turns the TV off and with one last kiss to Kkamyo’s head closes his eyes, the need to nap so overwhelming he actually falls asleep within minutes, accompanied by the soft purrs of his beloved kitty.

“No, no, no, fuck! What the fuck, no!”

San jerks on the couch as the sudden noise violently tearing him away from his peaceful dreamland of an afternoon nap, his mind trying to quickly wake up fully to check out the unexpected sound.

“Fucking hell, why now?!”

San’s mind is still hazy after such a sudden wake up call, really trying to get rid of the sleepiness, and thankfully within seconds he finally realizes the noise that actually woke him up is an unknown voice.

A human, male voice.

San’s eyes shot open in alarm and the first thing he realizes is that Kkamyo is gone from his chest. The voice he hears, which by now must have spilled all the entries appearing under ‘curse words’ in the dictionary belongs to a man, currently trashing about in his kitchen, naked as the day he was born.

Two more seconds and San’s brain finally kicks into action, frantically looking around the room in search of Kkamyo. To his horror all he finds is his collar, with the buckle ripped out. He panics momentarily, his body already trembling with adrenaline. He only hopes his cat panicked as much and just ran to hide somewhere upon seeing the seemingly crazed man in the flat.

“Who the fuck are you?!” San yells as he jumps up from the couch, not even hesitating as he approaches the man who right now kneels on the kitchen floor, his frantic breathing interrupting the otherwise quiet in the flat. He has his face hidden in his palms, his heavily lifting back mirroring the laboured breaths San can hear.

“I asked you a question! And what are you even doing in my house?!” San keeps on yelling, now stepping towards the counter and grabbing a knife. He swears the front door is locked and so are the glass doors to the patio, which after a quick glance seem perfectly fine, with no signs of a break-in. The man didn’t have any way to enter the flat and that concerns San even more, gripping the handle of the knife much more surely, ready to strike should the stranger attack.

“I’m so sorry San, please let me explain, please, I’m sorry!” The man sounds like he’s crying now, his choked up words barely understood by San.

But the one word he was sure he’s heard perfectly clearly was his own damn name.

“How the fuck do you even know my name? Who are you?” he keeps the knife pointed towards the man kneeling on the floor, not taking pity or even considering trusting him a tiniest bit.

“Please calm down, San, please, I’m so scared, I didn’t mean for this to happen all of sudden since I’ve been trying for weeks now I swear, I’m so sorry, please you need to belie-“

“Stop, fuck, stop it.” San interrupts because what the man is saying is pure gibberish and he can’t really understand a single word, especially with how choked up his voice is. The man looks really scared though, his shaking form looking so pitiful on the floor San can’t help but show at least the tiniest bit of empathy. “I’m gonna reach for the blanket so you can cover yourself, but I swear if you move a single centimetre I’m calling the fucking police.”

There’s only a quiet, shaky, confirmative hum in response and the man remains on the floor, completely still with his head down all the time, face still hidden in his palms.

The situation is so bizarre San doesn’t even know what to do, what to even think, but the man hasn’t done anything dangerous up until now and on top of it all San was a little too worried about how the stranger managed to get inside his home and how in the hell he’s learnt his name.

San backs up to the couch not leaving the man out of his sight even for a fraction of a second, grabs the blanket he’s been using while napping with Kkamyo just minutes ago and throws it at the other, observing how his shaking hands slowly grab the material and pull it around his trembling body, remaining in the same, curled position.

“Now get up and sit on the chair. And don’t do anything stupid, man.” San orders, the adrenaline still buzzing in his system. If it wasn’t for that particular hormone ruling over his body right now he doesn’t even know how he’d handle the situation.

He takes a second to look around the room again, hopeful to see at least a glimpse of Kkamyo anywhere in the flat. In worst case scenario he sees Kkamyo escaping via the window door, hiding somewhere around the patio.

The man calmly obeys San’s instructions and wraps the blanket even tighter around his trembling body, only his feet and messy, long hair visible over the plushy material, his head remains hung all the time with no way of seeing his face.

“Let me explain, San, please. I promise I’ll tell you everything, just please let me explain.” The man says with the same trembling voice once he’s seated on the chair in the kitchen, his voice getting choked up on some words, but his speech is a little more understandable. San closes his eyes for a second, quickly calculating his options. He could just call the cops immediately and be done with it all, but the man knows his name and as stupid as it seems, San considers allowing him to present his explanations, especially when the man’s so adamant with it.

He takes a very deep breath, holds it in and releases, closing his eyes for half a second and finally making his decision.

“Ok, talk.” The knife is still in his hand, still pointed towards the stranger. He doesn’t approach the man however, observing him very carefully from a safe distance.

“I’m so sorry, San. I really didn’t know I can shift so suddenly, I’ve been trying for weeks now I swear, I wanted to tell you all this time but it just wouldn’t come out.” The man starts and covers his face once again, another miserable choke coming out. “And you probably won’t believe me but you have to, San, I swear I’m telling the truth, as fucked up as it sounds. I’m sorry.” The man also takes a deep breath, seemingly trying to gather his wits and finally spew the explanation he’s so sure of. San notices a movement in front of him, his grip on the knife handle immediately tightening. The man only lifts his head and San’s gaze is met with his face for the very first time.

“It’s me, Kkamyo.”

“What the fuck are you-“

“No, San, please.” The man interrupts his outburst and stays on the chair even when his body jerks forward, trying to leap off it just a second ago, San’s ready to fight stance successfully preventing him from doing something stupid, like standing up. “I know it doesn’t make any sense to you. But it’s really me, I can prove it. Just please, listen to me.”

They stare at each other so intensely the stranger is the first to lower his gaze, unable to keep the eye contact with such a visibly pissed San. And San doesn’t even know what to think anymore, because at first he might have started feeling the tiniest bit of sympathy, but after the man claimed to be his damn cat of all the things he immediately lost all interest.

“I’m giving you twenty seconds to leave my house, otherwise I’m calling the police.”

“San no, please!” the man yelps and falls to his knees in full bow, hands placed under his forehead. “Kkamyo loves the beef cat food the most and he hates the turkey. He’d also tap you for those dried anchovies you always buy in the store nearby and always asks for more, meowing in gratitude when you sneak just one more. He brings you socks to fetch in the middle of the night but he doesn’t really play with any of the toys, although he has a lot.” San listens to the man’s muffled voice, not believing the words he’s hearing. The man very slowly lifts his body to kneel on the floor, keeping the blanket  tightly wrapped around himself. He’s facing the floor, his eyes as shut tightly and his lips tremble with nerves, slightly distorting his speech.

“Kkamyo busted through the glass doors when Hongjoong sneezed because he got so scared by that sound and has that tiny plus-shaped scar on his forehead. He also loves sleeping on your chest and you even bought Kkamyo a special memory-foam pillow just so he can sleep next to you in the bed during the night, and you can never close the bathroom doors and I welcome you in the alley sometimes and you carry me on your shoulder and you call him your pretty kitty too, please San I swear it’s me.”

San is way too overwhelmed by the man’s frantic speech, because as unbelievable as it seems the man has flawlessly recited his and Kkamyo’s life from the past few months with a great detail.

“You cried so much that one day I had to bite you on the shin just so you wouldn’t choke and finally snapped out of it. You called me bad kitty then, for the first and last time. And later you told me that you love me, too.”

San actually drops the knife. Even if the man could somehow gather the information he’s recited before, this particular situation San has never shared with anyone, not even Seonghwa. Only Kkamyo has seen him crying so pathetically, that day.

He looks, truly looks at the man now. His face is already puffy from all the crying, his lips are trembling and his face is an epitome of pure panic and sadness. San can see all the sorrow and uncertainty very clearly. His shoulder-length hair are beyond messy, his whole form is trembling, but then San finally focuses on the eyes, which right now stare at him with such an intensity he can feel his heart pounding harder.

The mesmerizing and breath-taking, mismatched in shape eyes.

So similar to his cat’s, although now of dark colours, warm browns so obscure San swears he might drown in their depths.

“How the fuck is that even possible?” he only asks, his throat suddenly dry.

“I’m a shapeshifter. I can shift into a black cat, the one that has lived with you past few months.” His eyes are glistening with tears, but the man says it as confidently as possible, not tearing his gaze away every for a second.

“A shapeshifter? What the fuck, man. What are you talking about?”

San simply falls to the couch behind himself and rubs his face with his palms, not even knowing how to steer his thoughts now. He’s a vague idea what a shapeshifter actually is, but he knows the concept only from all the fantasy movies he’s seen. It simply cannot be real. His brain feels like a jelly, casually plopping form side to side, too overwhelmed by everything he’s seen and heard. There is absolutely no way what the man is saying is true.

“Prove it. If I see you becoming a cat right now, I’ll believe you.”

The man finally looks to the side, his up until now straight position hunching again, his whole form curling on itself as he closes his eyes tightly. His voice becomes incredibly quiet too, not louder than a breath.

“I can’t, San. I’ve been trying to shift for minutes now and it just won’t… happen.”

San tsks, because even if he was this close to believing the man a minute ago, now he’s actually fully doubting him once more.

“Anything else, I’ll do everything San, you need to believe me.” The man’s voice becomes desperate now. Suddenly his hand shoots up to comb through his hair, lifting the fringe up and back, baring his forehead for San. His fingers slide over the middle part of his forehead, just below the hairline for a few seconds, seemingly looking for something. “I’ve got the same scar as the cat! From when I busted through glass.”

San stands up warily and approaches the man very slowly, close enough to inspect his forehead but still keeping sane distance.

The scar does match, it’s much bigger on the human skin than on the cat, but San has stared at it enough times to know its shape by heart. Impossible, but it’s the exact same.

“And I’m sorry about the collar, it snapped when I shifted.”

“Dude, I’m like-“

“Wooyoung. My name’s Jung Wooyoung.”

San’s eyes widen as he stares at the man- Wooyoung, and sees the how his expression slowly morphs into calmness, his eyes looking a little less wet with tears.

“You’ve had a name all this time?” San asks stupidly, not able to tear his gaze away from the mismatched eyes staring right back.

“Yeah, I was born a human after all. And I couldn’t exactly find a way to reveal my name until now, you know? But for what it’s worth, I really love the name Kkamyo, it’s so damn cute.” Wooyoung explains calmly, his position on the floor a little more relaxed now. His overall aura shifted too, it seemed a little easier to talk now, despite the initial apprehension San has felt.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” San slams his palm against his face once again in a gesture of defeat, his head already bursting from all the stress and confusion. No thought in his head makes any sense anymore. “Why haven’t you shifted earlier though? It might have been a little easier to understand.”

“Told you, I wasn’t able to. I really tried and many times too, even before you took me in forever. I really didn’t want to hide anything, but the shift just wouldn’t come.” San listens and as much as he wants to just shake his hand from disbelief, he halts the reaction and stores the information in his already overflowing mind.

“How long have you been a cat, then?” he asks instead, never expecting himself to shape these particular words into a question directed at another person. He must be still dreaming, it cannot be real.

“Honestly, I can’t remember exactly. Few years for sure, maybe eight? Nine? I’m not sure, I’m twenty-seven now, if I remember correctly.” Wooyoung is still sitting on the floor and against all the common sense, San invites him to join him on the couch. It’s not like the day can get any crazier, why not invite the alleged shapeshifter to sit just by his side.

“You’ve been a cat for so many years? Why would you do that?” San continues asking as Wooyoung takes a seat next to him, carefully adjusting the blanket that has bared his legs a little too much.

“I realized cats have it a little easier, even as strays. If I recall correctly there was something… scary happening all those years back. I just shifted into a cat to run away back then and stayed like that. At first because it was easier to run away and disappear if I needed to, but with time I realized it’s much more convenient to live as a cat instead of a human. Besides, I don’t really remember my life as a human anymore.” Wooyoung chuckles but San doesn’t, carefully listening to the explanations. He’s probably staring a little too intensely at the man right next to him, but he just can’t tear his gaze away.

“It was much easier, living on the streets or hiding in the garages and parking lots. I could always find something to eat, always had some kind of entertainment. I even spent a few nights in the shelter, but I managed to escape. I finally found myself in the alley where we’ve met and lived there for over a year, I think. People throw out way too much food in this neighbourhood and the restaurant owner next door actually used to feed me leftovers, too. I was really happy when I learnt you like that place as well.”

Wooyoung recites his life like it’s a bedtime story, as if he hasn’t just revealed a whole new world to San, a world where shapeshifters are real and most probably walk among the society, undetectable by a common human.

They fall quiet, for a while. He realizes the evening is slowly growing darker, so San turns on a few lights, trying to behave normally despite his inner turmoil.

What were they supposed to do now?

“Do you want me to go?” Wooyoung finally asks as San turns on the light in the kitchen his quiet voice barely audible. He remains seated in the couch, still wrapped in the blanket. “You probably do. I’m so sorry, San, I really didn’t mean to lie to you all this time. I promise I’ve been trying to shift.”

“You can’t shift back right now and you don’t even remember anything from your past. Where the fuck would you go?” San asks as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, not quite believing the words leaving his own lips. He’s still confused, still not fully believing everything that has happened in the past half an hour. Even if what Wooyoung claimed to be true sounded like a fairy tale, San didn’t really have a heart to just throw the man out of his home. The was an inkling of something, somewhere deep within his heart.

“You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll manage-“

“Nonsense. You’re staying here, Kkam-, uh, Wooyoung.” San interrupts him with a stern gaze, his mouth running much faster than his brain allows it to.

If Wooyoung has anything else to say, he saves it. It seems like San believes him at least a little bit despite the frown still scrunching at his forehead. His eyes were still so wide in disbelief Wooyoung nearly allows himself a chuckle.

“I should probably get you some clothes.” San says softly, leaving Wooyoung alone on in the living room, not wary about his possible ulterior motives anymore. Maybe he was stupid, but he chose to trust his very vague instincts, which urged him to at least try trusting the man.

Wooyoung waits for San to come back with a clothes for him to change into. It’s been years since he’s last worn anything on his body, save for the collar San has given him. He’s actually curious about the sensation of having his whole body covered, he can’t really recall that particular feeling.

San returns with clothes Wooyoung recognizes as the comfy grey hoodie San rarely wears and a pair of some cotton shorts. He smiles at the choice, realizing he’s going to match with San’s current attire as well. “I don’t have any new underwear, can you go commando until tomorrow?”

“I’ve been going commando for years, it’s ok.”

“That’s not- oh god, never mind.”

“Also, uh, can I shower first? I can’t remember the last time I used soap on this body.” Wooyoung asks coyly, looking at San with still unsure gaze. “I did my best to stay clean as the cat but this body, well, definitely needs a refreshment.” The shy smile is back again and San doesn’t even know how to react, deciding a nod is enough of an answer. “And, I’m so sorry for even bothering you with this but, I’m kinda hungry. This stomach is much bigger than the cat’s and I didn’t really eat that much today…” Wooyoung places his palm over his tummy and San swears he can see his lower lip wobble.

He's confused and overwhelmed, not cruel.

He manages one more nod and Wooyoung just disappears in the bathroom. San taps on the delivery app, his expression softening as he taps on the beef dish he loves so much, this time around adding two sets to the basket, instead of his usual one.

He hides his face in his palms once the order is approved. His life feels barely real at this point, it must be some sort of a trick his mind is playing. San might feel like he’s coming to terms with it, but when he starts thinking about it a little more seriously, it all sounds like it’s taken from a book for children. Simply impossible.

But then he hears the water running in the bathroom and it feels a little more real.

In there is a guy who claims he can shift into a black cat. The cat that has been living with him for the last few months and spent every day with him, saw everything San has been doing all this time. He hates the influx of all the not so proud moments he’s been through, now aware Wooyoung has witnessed all of them.

San sits on the sofa once again listening to the water running in the shower, only now turning towards the door and realizing Wooyoung left it ajar, just like San has learnt to do for his cat. He chuckles, because despite the bizarre situation he’s found himself in, that little detail is actually laugh-worthy.

He wants to reach for his phone to actually search for shapeshifters on the internet, the absurdity of this whole situation vastly overwhelming his head right now.

At some level he actually believes Wooyoung, because even if it sounds completely impossible from the logical point of view, Wooyoung quoted a situation no one beside San and Kkamyo has ever witnessed or was informed about. Plus the matching scar on the forehead, and the eyes… San remembers the blue skies and ambers of Kkamyo and despite the lack of direct colour connotation, Wooyoung’s mismatched eyes, which San was yet to look at properly, somehow lined up with the eyes he used to stare into so much, in the feline body.

“San? Can you please give me a towel?” San jumps on the sofa, suddenly forgetting about the possibility of another person speaking in his own home and dashes to the closet in his bedroom, fetching a towel for the Wooyoung.

“Here.” He says sneaking only his arm behind the doors, Wooyoung’s soft giggle responding him as the towel is taken away. The doorbell is his rescue, San quickly moves to the front door to receive the food order, putting it on the table and preparing the cutlery for both of them. Wooyoung is already leaving the bathroom, leaving the fan on and turning the lights off, the door left jar as well. Exactly like San always does it.

What he does not expect, is Wooyoung struggling to use the chopsticks. San asked if he’d like to use a fork instead three times now, each time receiving a timid ‘no, thank you’ as an answer.

While he munched happily on the perfectly tender beef Wooyoung’s fingers kept on slipping on the chopsticks, the sticks falling out or moving away awkwardly, until one finally rolled away on the floor. Wooyoung has eaten a total of two pieces of beef, his rice remained untouched.

“It’s ok, don’t worry-“

“These hands! Don’t work properly!” Wooyoung throws a tantrum, nearly crossing his arms over his chest like a child. “I forgot how to eat like a human, this is ridiculous!”

San sighs and stands up, shaking his head as he pulls out a fork from the drawer and passes it to Wooyoung who accepts it, although a little reluctantly.

“Use this and eat while the food’s warm, we can practice later.” San just says and sits down again, continuing his meal. Wooyoung only scoffs and stabs the meat as if it has personally offended him, quickly changing his expression into that of pure bliss after he’s able to appreciate the taste clearly, not sprinkled with a dash of annoyance and struggle.

The meal time continues in quiet, Wooyoung is too busy stuffing his face full while San can’t stop thinking, still in disbelief of how the man sitting in front of him is actually some kind of magical being, apparently able to shift into a cat he’s taken care of.

“You’re staring.” Wooyoung throws as he scoops another mouthful of rice.

“Well excuse me, I’m still coming to terms with you being the damn cat, alright? It’s not really a common occurrence in my life.”

Wooyoung casts his gaze down, chewing on the rice slowly. San didn’t intent to be harsh but his inner turmoil might have affected his tone a little too much.

“Sorry, it wasn’t supposed to come out mean.” He apologizes, taking a deep breath in. “It’s just, I don’t even know what to think, alright? I want to believe you, despite how surreal it all sounds, but I think I might need a little more time to be perfectly cool with all that, ok?” San really does his best not to sound off, but the sad expression and the slightest of pouts Wooyoung is currently giving him is nearly breaking his heart in two.

“I’m sorry, San. I really didn’t mean to be such a problem for you, ever.” Wooyoung puts the fork away after finishing the dish, his gaze stuck on San’s neck, not able to look any higher. “I really didn’t plan on all that, I’m actually surprised myself it just… happened. I promise I’ve been trying for months now, I wanted to be sincere with you from the beginning.” He says quietly, twiddling his thumbs under the table, the oversized hoodie nearly covering his hands completely.

San doesn’t comment on that, simply because he can’t find any suitable words right now. His head is a mess, no thought seems valid enough to explain it all. He just gathers the trash and separates it accordingly, throwing the utensils into the dishwasher.

“Do you want me to go?” Wooyoung asks for the second time today and San’s mind keeps on screaming ‘yes’, because that’s the most logical thing to do, especially considering that Wooyoung is, after all, a stranger in his house. But then his conscience firmly protests, quickly pushing all those thoughts away and convinces San to reconsider.

“I… I don’t know, Wooyoung. I don’t know what I want and what I should do. It’s too weird for me, right now. I’m really trying my best to find sense and logic in all that.” San feels like he’s been through all the possible emotion, breached through all the levels of absurdity and weirdness. His head is too full right now, he just can’t focus enough to think realistically. “I think I will just go to the gym, now. You just, stay here, ok? I believe you’re able to navigate easily.” San says sending Wooyoung one last look, the troubled expression meeting his own not that much of reassurance.

San can’t stay there, he needs to sweat all the uneasiness out at the gym, hoping to clear his mind enough to find a solution to their current situation.

Wooyoung stays seated on the chair long after San leaves the flat. He knows he’ll be gone for around two hours, but in all honesty he can’t really find anything he’d like to do. He doesn’t have the permission to use the laptop, doesn’t own a phone to browse the net and maybe try searching for people that were once in his life, even if he can’t really remember any of them.

It’s truly mess, their situation.

Wooyoung feels absolutely awful knowing how much he’s been deceiving San all this time. He wasn’t even surprised how distrustful of an approach San has towards him, everything he’s done for him after the shift being an act of common kindness more than any sort of affection he might have had towards him.

San wanted to own a cat, not live with a shapeshifter. Wooyoung knows that all too well, all the feelings his owner has been pouring onto the little feline body had him all warm and fuzzy all this time. Wooyoung truly felt San’s love, but he was also aware the love he felt for the cat wasn’t to be translated into love Wooyoung would receive as a human. Wooyoung didn’t desire to have San loving him, he couldn’t even dare to have that sort of thoughts after all the hurt he’s brought San.

He finally lifts himself off the chair and with heavy stomps reaches the couch, looking at the pillow where San has been napping peacefully barely an hour ago.

Wooyoung hates it.

Hates the lack of control over his own being, over the shifting and the lack of explanation and solution for the situation they’re currently stuck in. He throws a look at the hammock he loves to sleep on so much, on all the toys and the full bowls that are his, all his, all proofs of San’s love towards the cat he believed he was the owner of.

 It’s all his fault. Only his.

San politely denies the invitation to a beer with his friends from the gym, stating he has to rush home to take care of his cat. A convenient white lie, he thinks.

The complete lack of light in his flat actually concerns him as he punches in the entrance code to the doors, despite being sure he’s left the lights on for Wooyoung before leaving for the gym.

“Wooyoung?” he asks quietly stepping further into the flat. His mind starts panicking, because after his rather harsh words during dinner Wooyoung might have decided to actually leave him, returning to the world as a human who doesn’t have any actual recollection of his own life.

“Wooyoung?” San grows even more panicked, turning on every light on his way, frantically looking around for the grey hoodie he lent the other. He’s not in the kitchen or the living room, not in the bathroom.

San gives a quick prayer to find him in his bedroom.

When he doesn’t, he starts panicking for real. If Wooyoung decided to leave and vanish from his life, San knew there was absolutely no way he’d ever find him again. He checks every corner of the flat again, suddenly realizing Wooyoung might have shifted and is hiding in one of the beds or houses. He checks his own bed, throws the comforter off and even rummages through his closet, frantically searching for both the grey hoodie and the black fur now.

“Wooyoung! Kkamyo!” he shouts again completely panicked now, his laboured breath laced with groans as he’s trying to move the couch, afraid the cat might have gotten stuck.

Suddenly he hears the doors to the patio opening from outside, his head jerking towards the sound.

Wooyoung, in his human form, enters the flat slowly, steps careful as he crosses the threshold. He’s wrapped in the blanket from the couch, his tear stricken face so puffy once again San’s heart actually breaks in half. He’s not even allowing the thought to form fully in his head and he’s right in front of Wooyoung, enveloping the chilly cocoon in his arms, wrapping Wooyoung’s body so tightly he hears a soft ‘oof’ sound escaping.

“Wooyoung, fuck, you’re so cold!” San scolds, rubbing his palms energetically around the cold blanket, hopefully bringing Wooyoung some warmth. The spring might have already started blooming, but the chilly evenings were still ruling over the country. “Have you been outside all this time?” he doesn’t even think about his forwardness, so worried about the other he doesn’t even feel embarrassed of the tight hug they’re currently sharing.

“Most of it, yeah. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to leave, but then staying inside felt intrusive and I just didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry.” His voice is so quiet San really has to strain his hearing to understand him correctly, even if their ears are nearly brushing against each other in the hug.

“Why would you- oh god, sit down, I’ll make you some tea.” San finally lets him go and ushers him to the couch, bringing one more blanket from his room as the water boils.

“I’m sorry.” Wooyoung repeats as San wraps the second blanket over him, his pale lips trembling in cold.

“Stop saying that, it’s not your fault.” San chooses chamomile to steep for a moment, hoping it will help Wooyoung calm down. After a short consideration he pours a cup for himself as well. “Why would you think it’s intrusive, it’s your home as well.”

“San, it was Kkamyo’s home. I’m a human, and I’ve been hiding the truth from you all this time. You’re not comfortable with me being here and I really understand. I just wanted to say goodbye properly before I leave you alone, that’s why I stayed.”

San nearly drops the cups he’s carrying.

Was he that harsh during their conversation?

“Stop saying that. You’re not leaving me, I’m not allowing that.” He puts the cups on the table, his eyes now focused fully on the cutely wrapped man seated on the couch.

His session at the gym helped, at least partially. He was much more prepared now, knows how to at least try navigating the situation.

And Wooyoung leaving their home wasn’t any of the solutions he’s came up with.

“Listen. The situation is far from ideal, for either of us. It’s not something I’ve ever expected to happened, but it has, and it’s as much surprise to you as it is to me, it seems.” He starts, carefully curating his tone into that of confidence laced with warmth, not wanting to scare Wooyoung away again. “And I’ve decided to believe you. You’ve trusted me on the streets months ago, so I’m trusting you right now, even if I can’t really wrap my head around it just yet.” San breaths out heavily, his fingers playing with each other as he’s trying to form his next words, eyes stuck on the soft blanket over Wooyoung’s legs.

“I don’t want you to leave, but I can’t force you to stay, too. You’re welcome here for as long as you need, and if you decide to leave one day and search for a different life, you’re free to go.” Wooyoung’s head actually whips up, their gazes meeting for a brief second before Wooyoung looks to the side, tears threatening to spill once again.

“I still find the situation weird, I’m sorry, but it’s something I’ve only ever seen in movies until now. But despite that I still want to see you shift, even if I don’t really find it necessary to believe you anymore.” San allows himself a soft smile, taking a sip of the tea to gather his thoughts once again. “We’ll have to discuss a few things, but I can’t really find it in myself to bring it up now. The most important thing is, you’re here to stay, as a cat or a human. And don’t apologize, I believe you didn’t want to lead me on for so long. It just, happened. Don’t beat yourself over it.”

Wooyoung ends up crying, after all. San is quick to pass him a tissue, sipping on his tea as Wooyoung wipes the tears and strains to find his voice again, a few mouthfuls of the warm liquid easing his throat a bit.

“Thank you.” the words come out choked, barely audible. “Thank you, San. I don’t even…”

He doesn’t finish the sentence, and San doesn’t expect him to.

His heart doesn’t hurt anymore, his conscience feels calm and proper. One look at Wooyoung’s face makes him smile, when their eyes meet with only softness speaking right through their gazes, his smile grows even wider.

Because despite all the oddness of the afternoon, San finds so much familiarity in the eyes he can’t help but feel calm about anything their future might bring.