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The world seemed to pause its rotation when Tsukasa heard the paramedics pronounce the body on the floor.
That body, lifeless and pale, asleep on the floor with a crimson blanket.
And he thought the world stopped moving, that he would just get up and the world would return to its normal rotation. But that hour never came.
He still remembers the shrieks from the neighbors, the confusion on mother's face, matching with father's. He didn't even realize that he ever came back that day.
He also remembers the paramedics faces, utter disbelief in what they were really witnessing. The sirens, the yells, the cries, the uncomfortable silence that followed.
He can't remember if he contributed to the noise or not.
Tsukasa still went to school. No one told him not to. They patted mother's back who went crazy and hardly took care of them, consoled father, who left them for months and years at a time, but when it came Tsukasa they just briefly patted his head, afraid to even touch him. As if he wasn't fully human. No one paid attention to him, so he left the house to find a place that would acknowledge him. It didn't help anything.
No one said anything. Not to his face. But he knew the truth. It was practically anyone could talk about. The hushed whispers, the nods to his desk, the immediate change of tone in the hallways when he walked by. The echoes screamed, "This is reality." And no amount of words could change the truth, could lighten the blow. The damage was done, permanent. He was gone.
Amane was gone.
Tsukasa sat in class, raised his hand, answered questions. He went to lunch, sat with all his friends, ate his usual lunch and then went back to class.
But it wasn't the same.
No one remarked on how different the twins were, because there was now only one. Amane wasn't there to be dragged by Tsukasa and forced to eat lunch with him and his friends even though it was awkward. Amane wasn't there to tell him to slow down while eating, to not talk or chew with his mouth open.
He wasn't there to walk him to class, to scold him about his messy tie and fix it for him. He wasn't there to walk home with him, and let Tsukasa jump on his back to carry him even when he complained. He wasn't there to give him pieces of lemon candy. He wasn't there to read to him a library's worth of science books until he fell asleep. He wasn't there to tell him to wake up or go to bed.
Amane wasn't there to pinch his cheeks and tell him it would be okay, even if it was clear that it wouldn't.
And now it wouldn't be okay, it would never again be okay.
Because Amane told Tsukasa it would be fine, but no one ever told him that.
Because Amane used a blade to cut away any strings of worry from him, but was found with a knife in his stomach in his last moments.
And again Tsukasa couldn't do anything. He couldn't protect him, even in the death he thought would never come.
Classmates gossiped, teachers whispered. In shock, but not exact sadness.
Amane was quiet most days and hardly talked, so students found him off putting and too serious. He was tired most days and slept through class, so teachers found him lazy and troublesome.
Weird. Too serious. A scary face. Always sleeping. Always silent. Always alone. Everything they could offer about him. The only things they could offer about him.
They didn't know that he didn't mind being alone, but wanted friends to hang out with, but was too shy and awkward to know how. They didn't know that he liked science and sports and sometimes even math.
They didn't know that he was the serious one because no one else would step up to take care of them except him.
They didn't know that he stayed up covering his ears from their parents' screams, cleaning up the broken glass around the house.
They didn't know that he worked past midnight to have enough money to eat for the week.
They didn't know how soft and beautiful Amane's smile was.
No, they didn't know, didn't care enough to know, and now would never be able to know for themselves.
Only Tsuchigomori sensei said anything. Chose to acknowledge the elephant in the room. "I'm sorry for your loss, Yugi," he said, with eyes that weren't exactly pitiful, but still sincere, something Tsukasa didn't know he had in him. "Thank you," he mumbled, and left the room.
He found that he didn't want to be acknowledged, oddly enough. Because maybe if he acknowledged the truth faster, none of this would have happened.
Because now, thinking back, he remembered Amane's face twist up whenever he heard yelling, the way he flinched at a loud voice or sudden sound.
He recalled the way father threw him into the middle of their arguments, asking him if he agreed with him or mother.
He remembered how tired he always looked, the bruises scattered across his body from all the glass vases thrown at his face for lack of a desired answer.
He remembered how he hardly ever ate, always letting Tsukasa take his food.
He remembered how long it had been since he last saw Amane smile, the last time he grinned at the moon and stars, the last time he looked at his treasured moon rock.
Recently, Tsukasa couldn't find it no matter where he looked.
Amane left him alone, and it was selfish. Very selfish. Afterall, he nearly gave up everything to make sure Amane lived past four, just for him to die nine years later.
He left Tsukasa by himself with parents who wanted nothing to do with him. And it was a self-serving act. But the more he thought about the day, the more he realized that he didn't actually help.
Because he never saw the obvious signs everyone made fun of. He never realized how much his brother was struggling just to protect him from his mother's wrath.
He saw the tiredness, he saw the sadness, but didn't think to put it together until he was broken beyond repair.
Even now, he couldn't have a peaceful death.
The fragile balance was broken. There was no sun to his moon, no left to his right. There was no pessimism to balance out his optimism, and now he stood alone trying to even out the two and realizing this was what Amane had to do for years.
He never saw the darkness in his brother because he was blinded by the light that Amane gave him. And maybe if he wasn't so naive and stupid he could have seen the truth.
Perhaps if he knew his twin better, he'd still be here by his side.
The tears didn't come until he searched the room one last for the moon rock, for any remnant of Amane left. Once again he didn't succeed, but he instead came across a small envelope, adressed to him.
Tsukasa opened the letter and studied each character, each stroke.
It read:
"Dear Tsukasa,
If you're reading this letter, I'm not there to go with you. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not staying with you, or atleast not taking you with me, but I don't wish that for you. And I don't wish for you to stay in that house. In the closet is some money, and a bag of food and clothes. Please take them and run. Leave the house and don't go back. I wish I could go with you, but I only have enough strength to go to the moon instead. Don't worry about leaving mom and dad, or waiting until I'm buried. Just go. Think of it as my final wish.
~Your brother, Amane."
Silly Amane. If he wanted to stay with Tsukasa, why didn't he just stay?
Tears dotted his pants, and he held the paper away from his face, folding it up carefully and gently placing it back in the envelope.
Straight to the point. So like and unlike Amane.
Tsukasa wondered what Amane would say if he was still there. If he never fell asleep with a blade in his torso, if he woke up and went to school with him like their regular routine called for.
Would he have ever found the strength to leave with him? Would he still be the Amane he's always been? Or would he still be unfixable?
He would never know. And he was coming to realize that maybe Amane didn't want him to know. He should have known better though, Tsukasa always wanted to know anything about his brother. Amane overlooked that part.
He reached into the closet and took out the bag, packed with essentials like the letter said. Tsukasa placed the letter and a picture of him and his twin inside. It would have to do.
He climbed out the window, into the hot summer night. The moon was out, shining its gentle light over the city. The place Amane went to. He did always wanted to go there, and bring back a shooting star. He just wished that he took Tsukasa with him. But it was too late for that now. A light year too late. No shooting star would be brought back.
He glanced back at the broken home that broke his brother, the scratchy red mocking him yet beckoning him to go. He didn't need another push. Tsukasa took off into the night, with the moon following close behind.
Amane was watching over him, as he always did.
He'll savor it this time.