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Having a child at a young age isn’t particularly easy. Hell, having a child at any age isn’t exactly a smooth happy ride. More like a frightening rollercoaster that breaks every few minutes and wants you to forget what calm is. With screeches, sudden turns and drops, countless bumps, sparks and deadly loops. It takes you places again and again with no end in sight. All you can do is hold on tightly, knuckles white, heart in throat, face cartoonishly green – always stressed, always on edge. And when you think that you’ve finally found your footing, that you’ve mastered the ride, easy-peasy lemon-fucking-squeezy, the new road gets unlocked.
Adolescence.
Eddie, as it turns out, wasn’t exactly ready to face this kind of beast. He knew that having a teenager won’t be peaceful, he’s not dumb. But still. He didn’t know. Was he just as unbearable at that age? No, of course he wasn’t. Eddie was a golden boy. Sure, he's hot-wired a car a couple of times. Sure, he drank beers with his friends almost every weekend coming back home through the window at the late summer hours. Yes, he knocked up a girl he first slept with. It’s nothing. He was definitely an angel. A dream child – God forbid he has a little fun. But seriously. No wonder his parents hate him so much and don’t see him as a good father. They probably still see this irresponsible teen.
So, yeah. Fatherhood is not always rainbow and sunshine. No matter how lucky and thankful you feel most of the time, no matter how full it makes your heart, there are days when…
“Fuck you!”
“Christopher! Language!” Eddie instantly admonishes his furious teenage son.
The door opens with a creak, and Buck, who definitely heard their arguing, unsurely crosses the threshold. Bet he didn’t expect to find himself in the middle of a fight when he stepped into the house.
“W-what is going on here, guys?” he asks, his eyebrows furrowed. “Chris? Why are you talking to your dad like that?”
“Don’t even start, Buck! You just came, you don’t understand!” Christopher isn’t even planning to step down, it seems. It has become pretty difficult to find reason with him and Eddie’s been desperate to learn how to defuse this terrifying ticking-time bomb that blows up at least once a day. He always chooses the incorrect wire and tries and tries and tries to find the right one but so far wasn’t really successful. Evidently. Eddie’s almost sure it doesn’t even exist at this point. He is about to start climbing the walls. Literally. He’s not even joking. Eddie’s so exhausted of walking on the eggshells these days that he’d rather walk on the walls, on the ceiling, on the fucking Moon. He’ll figure out a way to do that. He’ll start working on it tonight actually. All because not even five minutes ago Eddie accidentally touched the wrong wire again, setting off Chris immediately. And now he wants to scream, too. But he’s an adult, you know. He’s better than that. Eddie’s mature.
“Chris,” he sighs tiredly. “I know that you want to go to Kelly’s party but it’s on the Dia de los Muertos. You can’t go.” Eddie crosses his arms on his chest, sees Chris getting worked up even more by the minute. “Besides, it’s not like it’s the last party. Don’t act like it is. There’ll be more in the future.”
“But not this party. It’s important, Dad! I need to be there.”
“I said no, Chris.”
“I hate you!” Chris shouts begrudgingly. Eddie tells himself to keep it together. “You never listen to me! I say that I need to be there and it’s like you don’t even hear it!”
“Some things are non-negotiable, you know that,” Eddie speaks, collected and cool on the outside, but freaked out on the inside. He had more than thirty years of practice exactly for fooling everyone around him. Making them think he knows what he’s doing, that he never self-doubts, when in reality he’s just great at pretending. At lying. “You wanted this to become a tradition, remember? You said it last year.”
“Well, I’ve changed my mind! I am not that person I was last year, I’m different now!”
Well, now that’s not true. His dramatics are definitely the same. No need for DNA-test, he’s Eddie’s son through and through.
“Chris, let’s calm down a bit, alright? I know it’s frustrating when something doesn’t go your way, but you shouldn’t forget about respect,” Buck softly interrupts. He walks into the dining room and stops next to Eddie, their shoulders brushing. His reassuring and comforting presence quickly warms Eddie’s insides. Always here, always having his back.
“And do any of you deserve my respect?” Chris angrily spits. Eddie tenses, feels Buck do the same at his side.
“Christopher!” they exclaim simultaneously. To his credit, Christopher looks ashamed instantly.
“Sorry,” he apologizes contritely. “That was uncalled for. I’m just angry with you.”
“Clearly,” Eddie says, his jaw set tightly. “Go to your room. We’ll discuss it later.”
Christopher rolls his eyes. The attitude of his never fails to show its ugly head.
“Yeah, alright,” he huffs. Buck touches Eddie’s arm, shakes his head a little. Eddie nods and sighs again.
“We’re not your enemies, remember that,” Eddie adds loudly enough for their son to hear.
“Doesn’t feel like it,” Chris grumbles from the hall. The door to his room slams next. Eddie decides to let it slide this time.
“Uhh,” Buck rumbles, scratches his temple awkwardly, barely missing his rosy birthmark. Eddie looks at it hungrily. Wants to touch it with his lips to find inner peace. “That was definitely something.”
“Yeah, didn’t go as I wish it did,” Eddie groans. He sits on the chair, grabs Buck by the arm and tenderly tugs to himself. Buck doesn’t protest, of course. He goes willingly and lands on Eddie’s lap with a light giggle. Eddie hugs him tightly to his chest, hides his face in the crook of his boyfriend’s neck and exhales contently.
Yes. Just what he needed.
“Am I your comfort plushie?” Buck teases. Eddie doesn’t see him from his hiding place but he hears the smile in his voice. Knows that Buck is grinning cheerily and is actually thrilled to be in the trap of Eddie’s arms.
“Yes, you are. The world’s biggest teddy bear. One and only, nothing will ever come close,” Eddie confirms, trying his best to sound completely serious. Buck laughs at his futile attempt, squeezes Eddie’s shoulder lovingly.
They sit in silence for a bit. Then, after five or fifty-five minutes – who even has a clue at this point – Buck takes Eddie’s face in his hands, making Eddie look him in the eye.
“You did everything right, Eddie. Don’t beat yourself up, okay? He doesn’t hate you,” Buck says gently. And Eddie believes him. Of course, he does. He learned to do so in the first weeks of their blooming friendship and the utter trust that came with that has only become stronger when they started dating almost a year ago. A year filled with bliss and laughs and pure, unfiltered joy. Eddie didn’t think he could ever be this happy. He was sure he didn’t deserve anything good for himself but Buck taught him to accept it. Together they learned not to wait for another shoe to drop at any moment. Just live and cherish every second they get, even when the days are bad or outright awful. They lean on each other then. Same way as now.
“Yeah, I know. Teen’s emotions are a bitch.”
“You tell me. Last week Chris yelled at me because I entered his room without knocking,” Buck complains adorably. Eddie barely restrains from kissing him silly. “I knocked. He was so caught up in his game he didn’t hear it. I was just meaning to ask him what he wanted for dinner and that’s what I got in return?”
“You’re such a brave soul, baby. Have guts to take risks like that… I can’t even imagine,” Eddie jokingly marvels, grinning from ear to ear. Buck shoves him in the shoulder, pretends to be insulted, but huffs a laugh anyway. “Although, Chris appreciated it in the end, didn’t he? He told you that the tacos were life-changing. He hasn’t said anything nice to me in a while.”
“Really? I think he did. Yes, it definitely happened,” Buck muses, the corners of his mouth twitch in a smirk. Eddie narrows his eyes, looks at him suspiciously. “He called you the best dad in the world the other week ‘cause he wanted a new “super-cool” videogame his friends couldn’t shut up about. How dare you forget such kind, heartwarming words? Didn’t they boost your ego, honey?”
“Yeah-yeah, right. My bad. Thank you for reminding me of that shameless bribery. I mean, genuine burst of affection.”
Buck giggles, sways a little. Eddie grips him tighter.
“But really. You’re so easy, Eddie. How could you fall for that?”
“I want to stay on his good side sometimes. Sue me,” Eddie sighs, plays with Buck’s fingers absentmindedly. Stops. “Wait, no. Don’t do that, please. Once was more than enough.”
Buck frowns playfully. “What are you talking about?” he asks, seemingly perplexed. “Was it a dream of yours? Because I don’t remember anything of that sort.”
“Yes, mi amor. You’re right. I got confused,” Eddie chuckles. Buck leans in for a short sweet kiss and then gets up. “Wait. Where are you going?” Eddie complains, pouts childishly. He tries to catch his boyfriend by a wrist, but Buck dodges his fingers and walks to the sink.
“Have to start prep for lunch,” Buck explains, washing his hands thoroughly.
Remember Eddie mentioned something about being deliriously happy? Well, now he isn’t. He’s not happy with it at all. Eddie jumps out of his chair and goes to Buck, embraces him from the back.
“No, you don’t. It’s still early. And know what? We’ll order something from Thai-place today.”
“But I wanted to try a new recipe, Eddie!” Buck whines, turns to look at Eddie and, most importantly, doesn’t try to get out of Eddie’s arms.
“No cooking,” Eddie states firmly, no room for objection. “Only kissing the chef who happens to have a day-off.”
“Well, when you put it like that…” Buck grins. Eddie kisses him hungrily.
Of course, it worked. They’re both guilty of being easy.
* * *
A week later Christopher decides to strike again. This time it isn’t an angry yell, isn’t the cold shoulder nor the annoyed grumbling. It’s much-much worse than that.
“He’s not there, Eddie,” is the first thing Buck says when he comes out of Christopher’s room.
Their son ran away. Again.
“I knew it.”
Of course, Christopher didn’t come to terms with the fact that he wasn’t allowed to go to the party of the fucking century, as it seems. How could he? Listen to his parents when they tell you “no”? Impossible.
“His phone goes straight to voicemail,” Buck informs next. Eddie breathes through his nose heavily.
Last time, when Chris escaped to Buck’s loft – feels like it was a whole lifetime ago – Eddie was worried out of his mind, pacing panickingly between empty rooms of his house, thinking a mile a minute, debating where to go and what to do. Today, for a change, he felt all-encompassing anger. Deep disappointment. In Chris and in himself, because first and foremost it was Eddie’s fault. He failed as a parent once again. When will he get better at it? When Eddie will finally succeed, do something right? How can he stop making all these terrible mistakes? Eddie couldn’t be a good son, couldn’t be a good husband to Shannon, a good boyfriend to Ana and Marisol and, evidently, can never be a good father to Chris. Hell, he will undoubtedly fuck up with Buck, too. It’s inevitable. He’s such a pathetic loser.
“Hey, hey, no, Eddie,” Buck firmly voices. He puts his right hand on Eddie’s chest, claws Eddie out of his head, slows his racing heart with a single delicate touch. Grounds him. “Stop spiraling. He’s a teen, remember? They do that crazy things sometimes, they rebel. We did it, too. We’ve discussed it.”
Eddie forces out a shaky exhale. “We did it because we had terrible parents, Buck.”
“Yes,” Buck doesn’t argue. They both stopped making excuses, learnt to keep it in the past mostly. Sadly, it still comes to the surface from time to time. “But we are not.”
“And he still ran away,” Eddie points out bitterly as Buck takes Eddie’s hand and interlocks their fingers.
“Well, I didn’t say we were perfect.”
“True,” Eddie snorts in frustration, squeezes Buck’s hand gratefully. “I’m still mad that he did that.”
“And rightfully so. I am, too. But also worried. I did stupid stuff because I wanted my parents to see me, you know? Maybe, he wants to get our attention.”
“There are better ways to do so.”
“I know,” Buck nods, nips his bottom lip nervously. “So, what should we do? Crash the party? Embarrass him in front of everyone?”
Eddie shakes his head, decides to be reasonable. “No, we won’t go there. We’ll wait for him here and discuss his behavior when he returns.”
“You’re no fun, grandpa,” Buck says jokingly. Eddie frowns. He knows that Buck wants to break the tension, but can’t find it in himself to play along this time.
“Well, it isn’t a funny matter, Buck.”
“I know, believe me. Sorry. Just nervous. I hate when I have to be strict.”
“Yeah, me too,” Eddie hums in understanding. “But you can’t be a good cop all the time, babe. You always leave hard stuff for me. It’s unfair!”
“Because you’re great at that!” Buck exclaims, sure and confident. Christopher’s escape begs to differ. “Besides, you’re his actual dad. I’m afraid he wouldn’t listen to me, if I tried to stand my ground.”
“Believe me, he would,” Eddie doesn’t doubt it for a second, even with the way things are at the moment. “Probably, act out at first, complain – it’s in his nature these days – but then do as you say. You can step up more, Buck.”
“Okay,” Buck murmurs, smiling softly. Eddie kisses the rosy apple of his cheek and leads him to the couch.
“Good. Let’s discuss the punishment while we wait here.”
* * *
The front door opens an hour later. Shuts with a click. Buck turns off the TV as Eddie sits straighter and mentally prepares for what’s to come.
“Hey,” Chris mumbles quietly, not louder than a breeze. He stops behind them, embarrassed to see their faces, scared of their reaction. Eddie gazes at Buck fleetingly but pointedly.
Buck gets the hint and speaks up first, his voice strong and unshakable. “We need to talk, Chris. And it won’t be nice.”
“I know. I expected it.”
“Come here. Sit,” Eddie instructs next. Chris shuffles awkwardly, takes the empty spot on the couch, still avoiding his parents’ disappointed eyes.
“Look,” he sighs, plays with his fingers nervously, chews his lower lip. He doesn’t say anything else.
“Why did you do that, Chris?” Eddie asks then, impatient. Buck strokes his thigh calmingly.
“Because you refused to listen, okay?” Chris looks up finally. He seems genuinely upset. “I know I shouldn’t run away, Dad. I really do. But I had no choice. I couldn’t let my friend down.”
“There’s always a choice, Chris,” Buck interjects disapprovingly. “You’ve just made the wrong one.”
“Alright. I felt like I had no other choice,” Chris rephrases accordingly, wringing his hands.
“So, what about your friend?” Eddie pushes.
“Sarah asked me to help her and I promised her that I would,” Chris starts slowly and then tells the rest rapidly, like he can’t hold it in anymore. “It was before I found out the date of the party so I couldn’t just take my word back. She wanted to confess her feelings to Kelly and was terrified of doing so and that’s why she needed me there. To support her. So, I kept my promise and tried to come back home as fast as I could,” Chris pauses, takes a shallow breath. “I’m sorry for running away, okay? But I’m not sorry for being there for my best friend.”
Eddie meets Buck’s eyes and purses his lips. Sees Buck fighting the urge to give in.
“It still doesn’t excuse what you did, Chris. Instead of plotting the great escape behind our backs and ignoring my questions about the party last week, you could’ve told us. You think we wouldn’t have understood your reasoning?” Eddie asks incredulously.
“I know you would’ve. That’s the thing,” Chris grumbles. “But it’s personal stuff. Wasn’t my place to tell.”
“And now it is?” Buck straightens, his right eyebrow lifting.
“Sarah said I could.”
Eddie presses his lips together. “Still, you could’ve said that your friend needed you.”
“I tried, dad!” Chris groans, frustrated. “You didn’t listen. And then I got mad so I didn’t want to explain anything anymore. I don’t know why I did it. Just wanted to get back at you somehow, I guess. And I know it’s wrong and childish, so don’t lecture me, please. It didn’t make me feel good at all. I feel guilty and stupid.”
That’s adolescence to you. Confusing, unpredictable and inexplicable. And so, so annoying. Not only to a teen, but to a parent as well. Considering the way he was at that age, Eddie should’ve prepared better.
“You’ll be grounded, you know, right?” Eddie questions, pins Chris with a hardened look. But he feels so relieved that his son is okay. Even though he didn't show it, he was scared shitless he won't recognize him anymore. That he lost him. Eddie’s glad this isn't the case.
“Yes, obviously, Dad.”
“No videogames, no sleepovers, no hangouts. For a month,” Buck finishes sternly.
“Buck! What the hell!” Chris cries out, indignant. Eddie holds back a laugh. He knows what’s coming next.
“For a month and a week now, young man,” Buck states strictly. Eddie’s so proud of him for that.
Chris huffs, annoyed, but obeys nonetheless. “Alright.”
“Good.”
“Can we still put up the ofrenda, though?” Chris asks tentatively. Hopefully. “I lied when I said that I had changed my mind. I do want to honor our late loved ones.”
“Of course, we can, mijo,” Eddie murmurs with a soft smile. He rubs Christopher’s shoulder gently and stands up from the couch. “Let’s go.”
Yes, having a teenager isn’t a piece of cake. It’s maddening, it’s challenging, it’s petrifying. But Eddie wouldn’t have it any other way.