Chapter Text
Jason sat in his favorite Café, the one with the soft rock radio station and the hotdogs that tastes almost the same as the ones in Gotham. He tried to distract himself from the ever-growing pit of anxiety and nerves balling up in his stomach by trying to work on his assignment for Class. Emphasis on trying. They had been able to choose the topic for the essay themselves and usually, talking (or writing for that matter,) about his favorite books came as easy to Jason as riding a bike. But today he just couldn’t get his brain to focus. His eyes unwillingly darting to his phone every other second.
It was on silent, but he could see the screen flash with constant new messages in a Group Chat that was lovingly named “The Idiots”. A few days ago, he had pulled a favor and gotten his friends and him a gig in a pretty popular local bar for next Friday. That alone gave him an undercurrent of anxiety ever since it had been confirmed. He knew they were good but if they fucked this up, it wouldn’t be a bad night for just them.
Mia, a friend from college that he knew since his second semester there, worked at the bar and convinced her boss to let them play. And that on a Friday, the busiest day of the week. They needed to make the best out of this opportunity, of course, (they rarely played any venue bigger than a suburban lawn,) but the fact that someone else was depending on Jason, the fact that she put in her word for them, that their performance would reflect directly back on her, made Jason extremely uncomfortable.
But if it had been just that, Jason could’ve probably managed. They just needed to rock this. They could do that. They’ve had killer performances before. This was going to be no different. But that was until he got a Text from Bruce. Congratulating him on the upcoming Gig and announcing that he would be “in the Area” around that time and that he would love to “swing by” if that would be okay. Jason knew what that meant. He was probably in Metropolis or Central City or any other still ridiculously faraway place, and “swinging by” definitely meant a several hour flight with the jet.
How did he even find out?? It must have been Dick. Jason had made sure to block all his brothers accounts from his Bands social media, but maybe there was one he missed, maybe there was a fake Profile Dick had made specifically to stalk Jason. He wouldn’t put it past him.
Jasons stage fright was still an issue for him sometimes, but it had become better and better the last year. But even so, the thought of playing in front of his Dad made him want to crawl beneath the Books on his Coffee Table.
He and Bruce were fine right now. Well as far as fine went with them. It was like a fragile kind of truce that had lasted for several months now. No pushing from Bruce when Jason refused his money. And no snapping by Jason when Bruce offered it still, every time they called.
Jason was grateful for what Bruce had given him, he truly was. He had given him a Place to come home to, a family that, however annoying it was most of the times, Jason still loved a lot (not that he would tell them that though).
But still the first 12 years of his life Jason had a very different lifestyle than the luxury Bruce had provided. Jason had a problem with handouts. And Bruce, who was not necessarily the most emotionally intelligent person, seemed to have “gift giving” as his primary Love language and way of showing he cared. So that created some misunderstandings. Jasons own temper and both his and Bruces stubbornness didn’t always help the Situation.
But things were fine right now. Bruce was trying to make an effort while also trying to give Jason his space. Which was nice. And that infuriated Jason. Because he did. Not. Want. Bruce. Here.
He was fine with coming home sporadically, on his terms. But as much as Jason had shouted at Bruce throughout his life that he didn’t care what he thought, his approval or disappointment had a way bigger effect on Jason that he would like them to have.
It was one of the reasons he needed to move away from Gotham. Because no matter if Bruce agreed or disagreed, was proud of him or not, Jason always secretly waited for his reaction, while pretending he didn’t. In his teenage years he did a lot of crap to make Bruce angry, to make him disappointed, just to see how far he could push before Bruce would put him back into the atrocity that was the Gotham Foster System. Jason figured it would happen eventually, always waiting for the other Shoe to drop. It never did. And slowly he had learned to trust that maybe this Place, that seemed to be good to true, could be the first really permanent instance in his life.
But as soon as he got to that point, there was this tiny voice in the back of his head. A tiny constant tug at his heart telling him, that now he just had to prove that he deserved it. Prove that he could be good enough for it. Jason loved Bruce, but his silence and naturally unexpressive face wasn’t always the reassurance that Jason so desperately craved. He knew it was illogical. Bruce had shown him through actions ten times over that they were family.
And one time, maybe three years ago, he had even told him.
It had been the anniversary of the Death of Thomas and Martha Wayne and Jason had overheard an exhausted and vulnerable sounding Bruce in the kitchen, talking with Alfred after returning from his yearly visit to their graves. Not wanting to intrude, and slightly unnerved by this unfamiliar side of his adoptive father Jason went up to his room. Later that evening, a soft Knock announced a weary but softly smiling Bruce. He had some cookies on a platter, and a low chuckle escaped his throat when Jason eyed them suspiciously.
“Don’t worry, I didn’t make them on my own. Alfred helped.” At that Jason grabbed one and delighted in the taste. Not too sugary but still pleasantly sweet, with a hint of cinnamon and grinded hazel nuts. “Thanks.” He said quickly.
Bruce turned to leave but stopped on the doorstep. “By the way Jason, I want you to know, …that.. I am very proud of you, and …that I love you.” It was a fairly unoriginal phrase, and still Bruce seemed to struggle with the words, but Jason felt completely blindsided. Bruces eyes looked directly into his, the cold blue steadily holding his own gaze, and the words hanging in the air with weight. “I hope you know, …that i am very glad, and grateful, …that you’re part of this family” Bruce lingered a few seconds, still holding eye contact as If to make sure that Jason understood how deeply serious he was about those words, and then quickly walking down the corridor with a steady pace. Jason just sat there, eyes wide open as if he had seen a ghost. The sound of the steps faded. A warmth spread in his chest and he swallowed. “Okay” he breathily said into the empty space.
Now it was a fond memory.
But two years ago he felt agonized about how much he wanted to hear those words again ...“I am proud of you”… he remembered how good they had felt, how important those words were and he had hated himself for it. He had wanted to convince himself that he didn’t need Bruce, didn’t need anyone. So when it was time for him to choose what to do after high school and he started looking at colleges he started thinking about moving away. Maybe to prove something to Bruce, maybe to prove something to himself.
And then there had been a fight. Jason didn’t remember what it had been about, something trivial probably. But he had packed his bags and moved across the country the next day. Maybe there were tears in his eyes when he said goodbye to Alfred, who gave him some cookies for the journey. His face a gentle smile but the sadness in his eyes reflected Jasons. “Farewell Master Jason. I will be looking forward to your return, but I wish you the best in this new chapter.” Jason just stood there for a second before he pulled the older man in a hug and Alfred startled, but then settled his hands on Jasons back. Jason tried to keep the tears from falling out of his Eyes “I’ll miss you Alfie”.
“I’ll miss you too, my dear boy.”
Jason had carefully avoided Bruce and purposefully neglected to tell Dick about his departure. And then he was on a plane heading for Star City. The gray grid of Gotham’s buildings got smaller and smaller beneath him until the rainy clouds completely obscured the city. He ate one of Alfreds Cookies and the faint Cinnamon and Hazel Note felt like comfort on his way into the unknown. Then finally, he let the tears slip out of his eyes.
He would be lying if he said he hadn’t been afraid then, but he had been determined and sure that it was the right decision. And maybe the way he had come to make it wasn’t ideal, but looking back now it had been good. The distance had made it easier to forgive Bruce for whatever it had been they were arguing about. Dick had been pissed at him for leaving without saying goodbye, but he couldn’t stay mad at him, (or anyone for that matter,) for too long. And the Home Sickness had made him visit home immediately at the end of the first Semester. (Of course, by the time he arrived home and found a new kid sitting on his unofficial place on the couch, a completely new hell broke loose, and he returned to Star City immediately, but that was smoothed over by now, and he had come to find out that Tim wasn’t half bad. A total nerd, but Jason couldn’t talk. (But Tim was a Math and Computer Nerd and Jason was a Literature and Culture Nerd, and clearly one of those was way more interesting than the other…)
So now there he was. A comfortable Distance from his family. A tentative peace.
And now Bruce wanted to come here. To this place Jason had carved out for himself. Where he had tried to redefine himself, faraway from Bruces eyes.
Of course, it was Jasons own problem if he could only stop waiting for his dads approval if he was on the other side of the Country. But he didn’t know how to tell Bruce that he didn’t want him here without starting a fight- or as things currently were, receiving a resigned silence that oozed of disappointment, or worse, hurt. God this was stressing him.
He looked at the meager looking word document that was supposed to be his essay. Well, he wouldn’t really get anywhere with this today.
He headed to the gym. The physical exhaustion helped with his anxiety. He could feel himself relaxed a little as the energy and tension drained from his muscles as he continued to push himself. He tried not to go overboard, he had band practice after this, and he didn’t want to dose off when they would inevitably go a little overtime. He still hadn’t opened the Group Chat. The thought of reading 164 messages gave him a headache, and he was seeing them later anyways so what’s the point.
The Band was great. Jason hadn’t really planned it. After he was dared to reveal a secret talent at one of the few dorm parties he went to, and he felt like speaking French or Russian would make him look like a showoff, he strummed a few chords on the guitar. Nothing too fancy, nothing too easy. Something safe, but that clearly showed he could do more than just power chords. Some people clapped, mildly entertained and a girl with a butterfly Tattoo seemed to look at him as if they were having a meet cute in a romcom. Jason was saved from having to explain to her he wasn’t really into girls by a friendly looking guy coming up to him. He was just slightly shorter than Jason, with straight black hair and welcoming green eyes. Kyle, as he introduced himself, invited him to Band Practice with his Band. And then Jason just never really left.
Kyle was really nice, a little bit disorganized sometimes, but always trying. He was charming and creative, currently studying graphic design and always wearing some either completely breathtaking or utterly hideous t shirts designed by him or his classmates. And, as it turned out, he was also a Guitarist, though he much preferred playing fancy riffs or smooth supporting melodies than chords, so Jason took over the rhythm guitar parts. It worked well. He needed a little bit to find the groove with them, but when he did it was magic.
Jackson, their Drummer, was a marine biologist master student and a really solemn and focused guy. He constantly seemed to be working or practicing. Jason doesn’t think he ever caught him resting. (One time Jason watched him nap for exactly 10 minutes, waking up without an alarm, the exact second the minute changed. Jason still wasn’t convinced there hadn’t been a camera somewhere) It would have annoyed Jason if he hadn’t had a quiet respect for his work ethic. He played really well, he could do complex, but his style usually stayed simple. Him and Rose, their bass player, were a solid and reliable rhythm section.
Rose seemed to always know exactly whether a song needed some simple root notes every other beat or some rhythmic flare or the perfect blend between both. She made it look easy with her nonchalance. Jason immediately liked her. When they first met Rose was skeptical of him, just like he was of everyone, but once he proved himself she warmed up to him. She had the same dead pan and sometimes morbid humor as Jason and she just kind of got him. She never asked him personal questions or pushed him when he said something others might’ve wanted explained. She just had that quiet sense of understanding, that Jason suspected came from having a similarly fucked up past, (though of course, Jason didn’t ask). It was nice to have a friend like that.
Their Singer was Kori, and she just seemed to be a natural star when she was on stage. With a voice equally as smooth and powerful she enchanted their audience and Jason always just watched in awe. Singing always seemed like a strangely intimate thing to him, and Kori seemed so unafraid and unbothered when performing it perplexed Jason at first. Well to be fair the very first thing that perplexed Jason was her appearance. She was taller than him, which was rare, and beautiful in her mismatched (mostly purple) clothes that seemed to be ripped out of random eras. Bellbottom Jeans, a classis 2010s fringe top, and a jacket straight from an 80s athletic wear set. She had an overall enthusiastic attitude for everything, and she was really blunt and straight forward. The enthusiasm took Jason a second to get used to but her blunt demeanor was something Jason appreciated immediately.
It was strange, but Jason fit in with them. He felt like he could belong there. Of course, not everything had been easy.
At the first few Gigs his Stage Fright had been really bad, but everyone had been really understanding, assuring him it would get better with practice, and it did. It wasn’t gone, not fully, but he was able to look away from his feet now and actually have fun, even while other people watched him.
But that often relied on the fact, that those people were complete strangers to him, or friends who wouldn’t judge him regardless. Imagining Bruce’s assessing eyes in the crowd made him feel like back to square one.
But it would be fine, he reassured himself. Kori would be there with her natural glow, and redirect most of the attention anyways. He just needed to do exactly what he always did. And if he stumbled, Jackson and Rose would be there, there steadily carrying on the rhythm, he knew that.
That was the thought that calmed him as he finished his workout and took the bus home.
Shortly after he was freshly showered, walking to the building where Kyle had organized them a practice room. The air was strangely humid for the coast. It held the promise of a storm. Jason wondered if he’d make it home before getting drenched. He didn’t have an umbrella with him.
This Part of town was mostly made up by flat and gray buildings, the occasional food truck or laundromat being spots of gathering for the retired old people on their walks and Students alike.
When he approached their building, he watched as Jackson stepped out, his shoulders tense, as if there was a weight on them. Jasons first thought was that he was just going out for a smoke, but the Drummer kept walking further from the building, and Jason scolded himself, Jackson didn’t smoke. Hell he probably could hold a several hours long presentation about the amount of microplastics in cigarettes and their inevitable damage to the ecosystem.
“Jackson!” Jason called out and the older boys gaze snapped to him, a kind of resoluteness in it. “Where are you going man? Don’t tell me practice ended early for once?” Jason tried to joke, but the smile Jackson gave was sad.
“Right. You haven’t read.” Shit. Maybe those 164 Messages had been important after all. Jason stiffened and cursed mentally, preparing himself, although he was unsure for what.
Jackson continued on “I just came by to say goodbye-”
“Fuck man are you dying??” Jason held his breath, worry buzzing through every fiber of his being. It lessened as Jackson’s Eyes seemed to glint with genuine amusement, and the line of his shoulders seemed to relax slightly.
“No.” Okay so that was good.
“But I still have to leave” Okay so that was less good.
Jason stayed silent and let the drummer go on. “I got an Offer to do my Master Thesis at the Coral labs in Sydney. They’re one of, if not THE leading marine biology research center. They offered some serious funding for my research and the Opportunity for a Job there once I’m finished with it.”
Jason didn’t say anything for a moment.
“That’s.. great man, congratulations.” It came out flat, but Jason hoped the genuine core of it was readable. It was great. “So how long until you have to leave?” he asked carefully.
Jacksons face twisted between an apology and bittersweetness, and it was so startingly different from his usual composed self that Jasons felt himself waver. “The day after tomorrow.”
Jason faltered. “But then-“, he cut himself off.
“I know.” Jackson answered regretfully. “I am truly sorry. The news are rather sudden, and I have a lot of arrangements yet to make. I am sorry I can’t stay longer.” Jason wasn’t sure if he meant right now or staying in Star. “I wish I had been able to tell you, and the others, earlier… For what it’s worth Kori says she knows someone who can fill in for me at the gig.”
“But” Jason started. He swallowed. “It won’t be the same.”
“I’m sorry.” Jackson stepped forward and hugged Jason. He let go before Jason could wake up from his freeze. “It has been really cool to get to know you, Jason Todd. I’ll miss you.”
Jason was still unsure what to do with his body. His words seemed to escape before he could hold them steadily. So he just settled for a simple “Yeah”. Feeling a little clumsy he added “me too.”
With that, Jackson nodded and turned. Jason watched him disappear around the turn where he knew his bus would arrive in a few minutes.
He breathed slowly. Fuck.
Fuck.
He hated when people left. It always felt like the voice in the back of his mind was right, and it was just a matter of time before everyone else left too.
He went to the building the rest of the Band was undoubtedly waiting for him in. He leaned against the wall next to the entrance and took a few deep breaths. It was gonna be okay.
Shit.
He needed a cigarette. He fumbled the battered pack out of his pocket and put one between his lips. He took out his lighter, but it refused to produce anything but a weak spark. “Fuck” he growled, his frustration slowly rising.
Someone tapped his shoulder and Jason spun around, exhausted and alert at the same time. It was just Rose. He relaxed a bit. She had a lighter in her hand. Jason leaned down a bit so she wouldn’t have to reach uncomfortably as she lit his cigarette.
He took a sharp drag. The smoke burned in his throat, the familiar sensation washing over him.
He leaned back against the wall and fumbled out the cigarette pack to give one to Rose. She lit hers and breathed the smoke in and out with a huff.
“Fuck” Jason cursed.
“Shit sucks.” Rose agreed.
They finished their smoke in Silence. When they walked back in Rose put a comforting Hand on Jasons Shoulder, not looking at him, and letting it fall back after a short moment. Jason appreciated the comforting gesture.