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If either Lothar or Khad felt different after the night of the party, neither of them said anything about it. Not to each other, at least.
Khad was content to pretend that he didn’t remember much of what went on that night. Between the booze and the panic attack it would make sense if he were to block out the events of that night. Secretly, though, he replayed everything that Lothar had said to him. Everything Lothar had done.
And then something Taria had told him - “He…really cares about you.”
Khad hadn’t really understood what she had meant in that moment, what with his hysterics and his already cloudy mind. But now, sitting across from Lothar like nothing had happened, it made him wonder. Where did really cares about you end and maybe likes you back start?
Obviously they had some kind of friendship. Maybe it wasn’t conventional but they probably spent more time together than Khadgar had spent with anyone else (aside from family, of course). They didn’t really run in the same circles. The only “friend” they had in common was Garona, and she didn’t even really like Lothar at all. She just tolerated him. Boiling everything down to the basics, Lothar was a Jock and Khad was a nerd. According to the laws of High School they shouldn’t even glance at each other, let alone hangout almost everyday. The idea that Lothar could possibly be interested in him as anything more than a friend was laughable.
“Khad?” Lothar’s voice broke Khad’s train of thought. Khad had a blank look on his face that told Lothar that he hadn’t heard a damn thing that Lothar had just said. “What had you thinking so hard?” Lothar asked.
“Nothing. I just zoned out.” Khad said, playing with his pencil. “Did you have question or something?”
Lothar raised his eyebrow for a second and Khad prayed that he wouldn’t push the subject any further because God only knew how much time could pass before Khad would say something stupid like ‘I was thinking about your gorgeous face how much I wish I could kiss it’.
“Nah, I’m just bored. Wanna watch a movie?” Lothar asked but something about how he was smiling had changed. Khad couldn’t quite figure it out.
“Did you finish your work?” Khad baited, knowing that Lothar was probably nowhere near done with his work. Sometimes the tutor just like having these small arguments just a bit too much.
“Not exactly.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that English makes me want to blow my brains out.” Lothar pressed two of his fingers to his temple as if it were a gun. Khad just rolled his eyes. “Please, Khad?”
“Finish your essay first.” Khad said, returning to his notes.
“Make me.”
Khad’s eyes widened. “What?” He asked because surely he had not heard Lothar correctly.
Lothar stood and smirked at Khad. “Make. Me.”
“Uhhh…” Yes, Great, Khad. You are the epitome of intelligence, Khad berated himself.
Lothar laughed, “As I thought. Come along, bookworm. The work will still be there when the movie is over.” Lothar proceeded to drag Khad to the couch and Khad was too dazed to argue. That line between, really cares about you and maybe likes you back was officially getting thinner.
———
A week had past and, per usual, they were supposed to be working. Khad was half way through an AP French assignment and Lothar was writing an essay for Civics - that was until Lothar decided they needed a pizza break.
“Lothar, you literally ate, like, two hours ago.” Khad said, struggling to push the football player back into his seat. His hands pressed down on Lothar’s shoulders and one of his legs wedged between Lothar’s. Khad really had to stop getting so physical with Lothar all the time if he wanted to actually keep their friendship intact.
“Shut up.” Lothar grunted, holding onto Khad’s arms.
“Make me.”
And there were those two words again. They were a challenge, a dare. Khad was provoking Lothar and he couldn’t help but wonder if that’s what Lothar had been doing to him a week prior. He hoped so. He hoped that maybe, just maybe, the feelings that he had for Lothar could possibly be reciprocated.
Lothar smirked before standing up and hauling Khad over his shoulder. Khad now had a lovely view of Lothar’s t-shirt and nothing else. He pounded his fists and kicked his legs to no avail. “Lothar, put me down!”
“If you insist,” Lothar, the ass he was, dropped him onto the couch. “Now what was that you said? Make you shut up?” He growled and Khad’s cheeks turned bright red. His jeans suddenly felt a little tighter. Lothar's hand splayed against Khad’s chest and Khad wanted to know if he could feel his hummingbird heartbeat. “How do you think I should do that?”
Khad didn’t get the chance to answer because Lothar clamped his hand over Khad’s mouth. He pulled out his cellphone and began to place an order for delivery, leaving Khad to squirm and wonder how Lothar can keep him in place with just one hand. Eventually Khad quit trying to fight it and just crossed his arms, waiting for Lothar to be done. And he most certainly did not pout against Lothar’s palm.
Lothar hung up and removed his hand. “The pizza will be here in thirty minutes.” He said, like he hadn’t been wrestling Khad for the past few minutes.
Khad sat up, panting slightly. “You’re an ass.”
“I know.” Lothar smiled, sitting next to him. “But you know that I’m your favorite.”
Khad smiled, staring at Lothar’s stupidly gorgeous face. “Yeah.”
“You love me.”
“Don’t push it.”
There was a tightness in Khad’s chest and he felt as if he was about to burst into starlight because yeah, he’s only a little bit in love with his best friend. He tried to stuff that feeling deep beneath his ribs but it only made him feel like he can’t breathe.
Lothar’s hand is on his knee and once again he shoves his idiotic fantasy of being Lothar’s boyfriend back where it belongs. “Khad?” Lothar squeezed his knee.
“Hmm?”
Lothar bit his lip, “Nothing, I’m just going to finish my essay before the food gets here.”
———
A few days later, they were on the couch again but things weren’t as fun and playful as before.
“Isn’t it a bit early for acceptance letters?” Lothar asked nervously - partially because he hadn’t received any yet and partially because the look in Khad’s eyes was terrifying.
Khad gulped, “My parents made me check the box for ‘early admission’.”
The way Khad’s hand was shaking as he held the envelope was starting to worry Lothar even more. He saw the symbol of KTU in the upper left corner and knew that things were about to get bad. Lothar put a hand on Khad’s shoulder and squeezed, wishing that he could do something more.
“Do you want me to open it?” Lothar asked finally, his hand still resting on Khad’s shoulder, anchoring him to earth. He knew by the blank stare that all Khad was imagining was escaping his body and floating away, becoming someone else. Not having to deal with this. Lothar squeezed his shoulder again.
Khad shook his head, “No. I have to do this.” Lothar understood and was about to take a few steps back to give Khad some privacy but Khad grabbed his wrist, “Stay.”
Lothar nodded silently.
Khad tore the envelope in one quick motion and withdrew the letter. He let out a deep breath before unfolding the stationary. The word ‘Congratulations’ made his stomach turn and his throat tighten. Lothar couldn’t tell if he was breathing or not.
“Khad,” Lothar said, plucking the letter from Khad’s hands and tossing it onto the coffee table. “Khad look at me.” Khad didn’t move and, for a second, it seemed like Khad wasn’t even blinking anymore until tears started welling up. “Look at me.” Lothar demanded, suddenly holding the sides of his face. When did that happen?
“I,” Khad’s voice was straining and his face was wet with tears. “I can’t go there. I can’t go there.” Khad sobbed, collapsing onto Lothar. Lothar wrapped an arm around Khad’s waist just to keep him up and kept one hand on the side of his face, rubbing his thumb over Khad’s cheek.
Khad was latching onto him, his face pressed against Lothar’s chest trying to focus on the beats of his heart. Anything to keep him steady. Kirin Tor University was the last place he ever wanted to end up but there was no way in hell his parents would help him go anywhere else. The money he saved from tutoring Lothar wasn’t enough to attend another university. He was stuck. He couldn’t breath.
“Lothar I can’t go there!” Khad was heaving, struggling to catch the air as it escaped his lungs.
Lothar rubbed his back, “I know. You don’t have to. Just breath with me.” Lothar took a deep breath in, paused and exhaled slowly. “Match my breaths, Khad.” He felt Khad’s chest start to rise and fall in sync with his.
“What am I going to do?
“Shhh, we’ll figure something out. Don’t think about that now. I think you should lie down ok? Do you think you can make it upstairs?” Lothar asked and Khad shrugged, like he really didn’t know if he could manage the task. “Ok, that’s fine. Um…Can I carry you?”
Khad froze and then nodded. He wrapped his arms around Lothar’s neck and felt himself be lifted into Lothar’s arms. He was still crying and now hiccuping every so often. If he wasn’t busy having another panic attack, Khad probably would have been horribly embarrassed about everything that was happening.
Lothar carried him out of the living room and up the stairs to his bedroom. Gently, as if handling a porcelain doll, Lothar rested him onto his bed. He sat on the edge, tucking strands of hair behind Khad’s ears. If Lothar could snap his fingers and make it all better he would. If he could just think of something, anything, to fix this he would do it in a heartbeat but nothing was coming to mind other than don’t go to KTU. Comforting Khad made him feel slightly less useless.
“I’m sorry.” Khad whispered, his voice raw from the tears.
Lothar shook his head, “You have nothing to be sorry for, Khad. It’s okay.” Lothar stroked his arm, hoping to relax him a bit.
“I’m being stupid.” Khad hiccuped.
Lothar’s hands flew to Khad’s face again, because apparently that’s where they choose to go without asking Lothar first. “Khad, listen to me. You are not being stupid. Can you scoot over for me?”
Khad shifted over and Lothar laid on his side so he could still run his hand’s through Khad’s hair. Eventually Khad’s breathing returned to normal and the tears had stopped running down his cheeks but Lothar knew that internally he was still panicking.
“Khad, you need to stop.”
Khad shook his head, “I don’t know how.” And it was true. His mind was stuck in a loop - early admission, Kirin Tor, being a disappointment, repeat. If he hadn’t listened to his parents he would have never checked that box, he’d never receive this letter and he could stop worrying about living up to his family’s expectation. Repeat. He was part of the early admissions program, KTU would be sending him a letter any day now asking if he’d like to make an early decision (the answer to which would be fuck no), he’d let his parents down. Repeat-
Lothar’s arms were around him, their faces inches apart. “Khad,” Lothar breathed, his eyes were pools of sincerity. Lothar, the one that supposedly needed Khad’s help. Lothar, the Jock. Lothar, the guy who Khad could no longer imagine being without. Lothar was looking at him like he was the only thing that mattered.
Slowly Khad wrapped an arm around Lothar’s torso, so afraid that he was misconstruing everything. But he was in Lothar’s bed, chest to chest, face to face. That had to mean something, right? Maybe Lothar felt the same way Khad did. But, if Khad was wrong then Lothar would hate him forever.
And then Lothar drew him in even closer and Khad gasped. Their legs tangled and they were breathing the same air.
“Lothar-“
“Shhh, stop.” Lothar whispered and Khad could feel every syllable in the breath against his lips, in the rumble of his chest.
“But-“
Lothar smiled and touched their foreheads together, “What did I just say, bookworm? Everything is going to be okay. I promise.” Those words should have been hollow because there is no way to guarantee that everything would be okay. But in Lothar’s arms it was easy to believe. Khad’s breathing evened and he tucked his head into Lothar’s neck. Lothar smiled into Khad’s hair as he rubbed his back.
“Okay, but-“
Lothar’s laugh vibrated against Khad. “Shut up for once, Khad.” He spoke with fondness and Khad smiled against his skin.
“Make me.”
Lothar moved the hand the that was stroking Khad’s back and tilted his tutors head upward. “You never did tell me how you wanted me to shut you up.”
“That’s because you were smothering me with your hand.”
Khad froze as Lothar’s lips brushed against the corner of his mouth. “Tell me now.” Lothar spoke.
There was no telling who moved first but in an instant their lips touched and Khad’s worries faded into the background. Instead he focused on the feel of Lothar’s stubble against his face, the softness of his lips, the taste of his tongue. After all the craziness he had experienced with this boy, kissing Lothar felt like water breaking out of a dam. A chaotic release.
They were both smiling when they pulled away.
“Like that.” Khad murmured, slightly out of breath, “I want you to shut me up like that.”
Lothar kissed him again. Khad could barely remember what he had been crying about earlier.