Work Text:
Why my life is actually the worst anyone’s ever had and why I’ll be following in my aunts footsteps and going mad and running off into the woods and also attempting to murder my father because this whole thing has literally been my villain origin story
A List By Morgan Aurelianus Pendragon, 13, for Preceptor Dyer who insisted on me writing an essay about our trip and everything that happened even though that was literally for my apprenticeship so should count for schoolwork and also it was traumatic bc my parents kissed in front of me and I have trauma about parents, so I shouldn’t have to talk about it.
1. my boobs hurt all the time and my hips hurt too and i have so much acne and periods SUCK and my dresses don’t fit properly anymore and Elaine brought the boob and hip thing up and SHE was the one to bring it up but now she’s being really weird and she won’t look at me which makes it really awkward because she’s supposed to help me dress since she’s literally my lady’s maid so it’s really hard to get dressed when she wont look at me. Also I told Hellawes and she said “welcome to womanhood” but she said it really meanly. She gave me a tonic for my period, but she was still mean, and it was really unnecessary. Auntie Gwen called me a blossoming flower which was honestly even worse.
1.1 Nobody’s given me a sex talk yet, but I can feel it coming on the wind.
1.2 boys are literally disgusting.
2. Amhar is away squiring with Sir Ector and I hate that he’s gone but I can’t say that because it will go to his head but he knows anyway and he keeps writing shit like “I miss you too Ganna” even though I literally never said I missed him and I told him to stop calling me that ages ago.
2.1 Also he’s taming a huge gyrfalcon, and I asked Papa if I could tame an even bigger gyrfalcon and he said I’d need to stay up all night with her and spend a lot of time training her and he said it in a way that I KNOW means he thinks I wouldn’t want to do it. And the worst thing is he’s right I don’t actually want to stay up all night with a stupid bird.
2.2 Sometimes Amhar gets really sad when I called Arthur and Merlin Papa/Dad because he’s sad I don’t really remember our original mother and father but it’s like literally not my fault I was 5 when they died so what does he want me to do. Also Arthur still gets a bit weepy when Amhar calls him father which is. Cringe.
2.3 Also they don’t get weepy when I call them papa and dad like. Wow. I was literally an impressionable toddler when they got me, it’s not my fault I’m not repressed like Amhar.
3. Technically I’m Merlin’s apprentice even though I’m not actually that good at magic, I’m just used to translating the utter shit he says into useful lessons, but he’s convinced everyone that Emrys is an inheritable role and that I’ll be the next Emrys even though that’s literally not how that works but he could say the sky is red and everyone’s so gullible they’d believe him.
3.1 Whenever I tell him he’s full of shit he just winks. It sucks. I hate him.
3.2 So every so often he has to go to the isle of the blessed to do ~Emrys~ stuff and I have to go along too even though I really don’t want to leave right now because Elaine is being so weird and also I don’t want any of the druid girls to see my gross acne because the druid girls all have perfect skin and are so pretty.
4. But he keeps saying shit like “mother-daughter trip!!” and he’s so excited about spending time with me that I can’t say NO to him so it’s like I have to go.
4.1 he said girls’ trip, but he invited Uncle Gwaine and Uncle Lancelot too.
4.2 Not that I mind spending time with Uncle Gwaine and Uncle Lancelot but like. They’re literally not girls.
4.3 But if I told them they weren’t girls they’d all get really sad, so I guess they’re provisional girls now.
4.4 Merlin is packing an alarming amount of the yule alcohol and Arthur is just LETTING him.
4.5 Arthur keeps making jokes about how he’s finally going to get some work done and how he’s going to have peace and quiet for the first time in like 40 years (idk how long Merlin has been in Camelot but they’re old af so it’s probably 40 years) but I can tell he’s going to miss us. Which is honestly kind of pathetic.
5. Elaine didn’t even come to see us off.
6. Does Elaine hate me now I have boobs.
7. What if Elaine doesn’t want to be friends anymore.
8. They keep trying to make me play eye-spy on the ride up even though im literally not a kid anymore and I have actual problems (see: Elaine).
9. I don’t even want to talk about what’s happening on the isle of the blessed.
10. Okay, I’ll talk about what’s happening on the isle of the blessed.
11. They’re getting so high off the “”sacred herbs”” and they’re drinking so much cider.
11.1 Dad offers some to me even though I literally hate drugs because one time I got drugged and my parents died and it was traumatic or something.
11.2 Idk if it was that traumatic (the drugs not the parents) but I don’t want to take drugs with my dad.
11.3 He starts crying about how he misses Arthur even though we literally saw Papa this morning. When we left.
11.4 Will I ever find a love like that.
11.5 I can’t stop thinking about Elaine.
11.6 I have to distract him by offering to let him braid my hair because he used to love it but like I’m literally 13 now and I braid my own hair. The worst thing is it works but he starts crying about how I’m all grown up and I’m not his baby anymore and how he remembered the day of my birth.
11.7 which he literally didn’t, see: being adopted, dead parents.
12. I keep asking the druids if we should stop this, but they keep saying stuff like “well he IS Emrys” and “maybe this is what the isle of the blessed WANTS”. Like literally grow a pair (of boobs. Like me.) and STOP letting him walk all over you!!!
13. Gwaine keeps talking about how we’re going to turn into pumpkins because it’s past midnight but like. Why would we turn into pumpkins.
14. They make this stupid dunce cap out of paper and keep crowning each other the dunce king. Idk there are rules about the dunce crown, but I don’t want to pay attention. And the druids are taking notes like. Wow this must be a new part of the religion,,,, the isle is telling him,,,,, and I’m like dudes they’re DRUNK and HIGH.
14.1 Watch this space. Pointy hats are about to become fashion because of my dumb drunk dad and his friends.
15. They drag me into a cuddle pile and it’s kinda nice to be cuddled by my dad but I didn’t get to hang out with any cute druid girls. Which I KNOW I said I didn’t want them to see my acne but I also don’t want to NOT see them.
16. Grown men are heavy and they fall asleep on top of me.
17. Annowres calls through the mirror even though it’s like. Dawn. And she’s like the king’s disappeared!!! Even though it’s literally dawn so like. Can’t we wait to see if he turns up again. Give the man a few hours.
18. Auntie Gwen calls through the mirror and is like Arthur’s disappeared!!! So we have to go home pronto because Auntie Gwen doesn’t fuck around.
19. Dad is too busy puking in a bush, and I have to be the one to teleport us.
19.1 Everyone is always asking about the teleportation and it’s literally easy but they’re all idiots and seem to think it’s this huge Emrys secret when it’s literally so easy. But they never listen to me. Nobody ever listens to me.
19.2. It really is an alarming amount of puke.
20. I teleport us back home and everyone’s running around like headless chickens even though Papa’s probably fine. Gwaine and Lancelot are also puking at this point which I feel a little bad about because maybe I could’ve been more careful with the teleportation. But also, don’t drink and do drugs.
20.1 Gingalain and Galahad come running over to them to give them water even though they’re literally knights and stopped being squires ages ago like have some self-respect guys.
20.2 all of my friends have crushes on Gingalain and Galahad and the rest of the (ex)squires and they’re literally nothing like. I once saw Gringolet the Horse eating Gingalains hair like it was hay and Gingalain was LETTING HIM!!! Have some self-respect. Everyone needs to have more respect for themselves.
21. Anyway, Dad does some scrying and he’s like Arthur got transported to another dimension and everyone’s like what’s a dimension and he’s like idk and this is why everyone should hate him!! but instead they’re like ohhh Emrys…. Wisdom….. even though I’m 99% sure he just made up a word.
22. So we all have to go to like. An alternative universe or time travel or some shit that I really don’t care about, and Dad is literally hungover and wearing a dressing gown covered in stars which is the worst. He’s still wearing the stupid dunce cap too. I voted to leave Papa behind but. See 19.1. Nobody listens to me.
23. So we get to where Papa is and there’s like a younger version of Papa and Dad and they’re like Amhars age or something, idk and idc, gross boys will be gross boys until the day they shuffle off this mortal coil, even if they’re men.
23.1 and the younger Papa and Dad are like omg who are you. like. Use your eyes. These are the prophesied kings of the golden age, and they can’t even use their eyes.
24. Papa and Dad kiss for a long time. Like an embarrassingly long amount of time. They didn’t even go a full 24 hours apart. I bet Dad tastes of puke. Papa is like dipping him and everything. What’s worse is the younger Papa and Dad look insanely jealous. What’s even worse than that is I’m kinda jealous, see: 11.4 Will I Ever Find A Love Like That.
24.1 Then Papa hugs me for a long time too even though I LITERALLY saw him yesterday and I tell him this but he’s like “yeah but I missed you Momo” even though I literally told everyone ages ago my name is Morgan and to stop calling me Momo, Ganna, Morbid, GanGan, etc.
24.2 I let him have this one though because he’s a sad old man.
24.3 And his hugs are the best hugs.
25. The Baby Parents ask about Merlin’s stupid clothes and Papa lies and says “it’s the sorcerer’s uniform. All the sorcerers who work for me have to wear it every day, on pain of execution. Merlin doesn’t work for me anymore, but he likes it so much he wears it voluntarily”. Dad looks like he wants to kill him but also like he’s struggling not to puke again which same.
25.1 I thought lying was a sin and we weren’t supposed to encourage it but whatever.
25.2 Baby Dad looks like he’s actually going to cry and says “I don’t work for you anymore?” with big puppy dog eyes like bestieeeee noooo throw off your chains.
25.3 I told Elaine that if the serfs ever revolt against the oppressive crown, she should turn me in herself for clout.
25.4 Elaine said this is an age of peace and prosperity and nobody even wants to revolt which is literally cringe.
25.5 Anyway, Dad says “We demoted Arthur” which I WISH
26. He’s like “We took a group vote, the whole round table, and I got the job for my sins. The pay is terrible and the benefits worse. Even the crown doesn’t make it worth it.” And then Papa takes his hand and kisses it even though like 3 months ago he SAID we shouldn’t encourage Dads lying habit. Baby Papa continues to look jealous.
27. Then Baby Papa says “wait, Merlin is a sorcerer?” and everyone gets very loud very quickly.
28. And Baby Papa is like “you BETRAYED me” which. Merlin????? He’s literally not even capable of that.
28.1 and Adult Papa is like “Merlin literally isn’t even capable of that” and Adult Dad is like “I could and would betray you for One Grape” which isn’t even the point and then Baby Papa is like “you just said you’d betray me!!!” and now HE’S sad and Baby Dad is sad and everyone’s sad because Dad couldn’t resist mocking Papa ONE TIME!!
28.2 and then Baby Dad is like “I could never betray you…. I love you….. Arthur…. we are two sides of the same coin….” And Baby Papa is like “you LOVE me???” even though he literally watched my parents make out.
28.3 and then we all watch my Baby Parents make out.
29. And I’m like “okay can we go now” and they break away and are like “who tf are you” which RUDE I’ve literally been here the entire time.
30. So I say “I’m their ride home” and Papa and Dad are like “this is our beautiful talented daughter” mushingly (mushily? Mushingly? Idk) and then both of the Baby Parents are staring at me.
30.1 And Baby Papa is like “how can we have a daughter if we’re both men” and I can just SEE Dad about to start his bullshit about the beauty of being a shapeshifter and the wonders of nature and how Through Emrys All Things Are Possible and how I was an easy pregnancy.
30.2 and I don’t feel like explaining that Dad is a compulsive liar and adoption exists.
31. So I grab both of my parents and teleport us back even though I’m only like 60% sure of what I’m doing. Maybe 55%. I wasn’t really paying attention when Dad did it. I still don’t know what a dimension is.
31.1 but anyway we make it back to Camelot yayyyyyy
32. Dad and Papa are holding hands and saying stuff like “do you think they’ll be okay?” and “of course they will be, they have each other” which. Barf.
33. Elaine comes running out and hugs me when we arrive home but she’s super stiff and definitely pulling away so she doesn’t touch my boobs which means she DOES hate me and my stupid boobs.
33.1 And her face was all red which??? Hatred????
34. I am actually going to kill myself or maybe run away forever.
ANYWAY, this is why my life is literally the worst and im going to follow in aunt morganas footsteps. The woods wouldn’t treat me like this. This has been the worst day of my life except the time I was drugged and my parents died.
Can you give this back when you’re done with it so I can mail it to Amhar. I literally can’t be bothered writing this out again and lord knows nobody else will tell him what’s been going on around here.
k thnx