Chapter Text
[Hanna; 2 months after she hit her best friend's husband with a car]
Okay, Hanna is not blind. She’s not as blind as Spencer, who brushes off Emily and Alison’s relationship behind other things she has to worry about, like post-election victory and Caleb, for that matter, and she’s definitely not as blind as Aria, who is so busy building a path to her career that the thought of Emily and Alison bumping uglies with each other is old news. Okay, Hanna is so not blind.
After breaking off her engagement with Jordan and temporarily swearing boys off for a while (Spencer’s done the same; the only difference is that the brunette is burying herself in work while the blonde is prying on the love life of her two best friends), Hanna has discovered that she’s got plenty of time in her hands. And after Elliot Rollins’s untimely demise (she refuses to think about it) and Mary Drake’s arrest, she spends her time walking around the town she loathes in (because she can’t stand the idea of crawling back to New York, where Jordan is) and has brought a mission upon herself.
Find evidence that Emily and Alison are dating. Or, heading into that direction. She doesn’t have an honest idea with those two. She briefly remembers Emily trying that bandwagon a while back, when Ali returned, but knows that it didn’t end well. It ended up with Emily in the dollhouse and Ali in prison.
(She doesn’t have an honest idea about anything, to be honest. She has nightmares about Rollins and what he did to her and sometimes, she can’t even bear to look at Lucas without wanting to cry because he reminds her too much of Jordan and Caleb all in one mix.)
(She thinks that throwing herself into someone’s relationship is the best idea, for now.)
(Maybe she feels guilty about Rollins too.)
And that’s how Hanna finds herself sitting across Emily in her old bedroom, surprised to find that things haven’t changed in her space. There are still swimming medals and trophies all decorated around the walls, pictures of the girls (and one huge copy of Alison’s missing poster) still hanging besides the closet and old high school yearbooks piled on top of her desk. It oddly reminds Hanna of five years ago, where she spent a few nights here and there, comforting Emily through her every break-up and –A madness. She’s glad to see that some things haven’t changed.
(God knows that she needs something stable and fixed in her completely fucked up life.)
Emily is getting out of the shower when Hanna looks up from her phone.
“We should totally watch this cool new horror movie next week,” the blonde says noncommittally, sitting up on her elbows and grinning at the brunette. “Us and the rest of the girls.”
“God, don’t look, you perv.” Emily’s tone is joking as she grabs a few clothes from the closet.
“Please,” Hanna says, rolling her eyes, “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”
“Well, five years have passed since our last sleepover, Han,” Emily points out as Hanna turns her face away good-naturedly, “and I doubt that the things you’ve seen before are still the same.”
Hanna wonders if Alison’s seen an updated version of those things and coughs to herself. “Well, whatever. Anyway, what do you say about the movie? Think Ali’s up for it?”
She quickly turns her head back to Emily’s direction, quick enough that she catches a look flash across the brunette’s face. Gotcha. The name being brought up is enough for Emily to go quiet for a few seconds and really, it’s just a movie—Hanna doubts that Emily needs those extra seconds to think about it. She tilts her chin against her knuckles, smiles against her fist and watches as Emily shimmies into some sweatpants.
“I don’t know,” Emily says haltingly, like she’s unsure of her answer.
“You don’t know?” Hanna repeats, mockingly even. “You and Ali have been spending so much time together. I think she needs a break from grieving creepface and hang out with the rest of her gal pals.”
The thought of Rollins brings an unpleasant lurch to her stomach and she closes her eyes, tries to push away the image of his bloodied face imprinted in the back of her lids and exhales a deep breath. When she opens them again, Emily is standing at the foot of her bed, her expression unreadable.
“Han,” she says, sighing, “It’s only been two months—”
“She was barely married to the guy for a week,” Hanna snaps, different emotions building up inside her—guilt, horror and relief throwing her heart around like a tennis ball, “Seriously, Em. I haven’t seen her around. You’ve been keeping her busy, I suppose.”
Emily’s lips form a thin line and if Spencer was here, Hanna would imagine her quickly jumping into that sort of reaction and demanding an explanation. And if Aria was here, she’d probably sit back and wait for Emily to talk first, like a therapist on the first day of a session. But those two aren’t here. Instead, Hanna is, and she does a mixture of both as she grins and sits up straighter, waiting for a few more seconds before she pounces at the bait ahead.
“Well?” she says, “Any comment?”
“Ali just needs me, that’s all,” Emily answers, her tone neutral but her eyes are hiding something. Hanna knows the girl long enough to differentiate her confused look and guilty look. This time, it’s a mixture of both.
Hanna tries not to bristle at that. Alison has always reached out to Emily first and foremost, which is understandable, considering that they had loved each other the most in their younger years. (Everybody could see that Alison favored Emily the most.) What hurts is how willing Emily is to drop everything and go to her aid. It reminds Hanna of Jordan and Caleb, the two boys who would’ve gone to hell and back to make her happy.
(She guesses that she should be happy Alison’s finally found that in Emily but it doesn’t make it any easier.)
Emily must notice her silence because she reaches forward and grips Hanna’s hand. Hanna looks up, eyebrows raises as the brunette offers a soft smile.
“That movie sounds great,” she tells her, “but we should have dinner at The Grille first, don’t you think?”
“Yeah, of course. So you’ll go?”
“Definitely. I’ll tell Alison about it.”
“Of course you will,” Hanna says, adding a bit of mystery in her tone and Emily’s face morphs quickly into her confused one and the blonde laughs, shaking her head and pulling the other girl in a for a hug. “This is great,” she adds, “I’ve missed you guys.”
She does. It’s been five years since she last saw all of them together and the image reminds her of all the childhood pictures she kept with her, even after all this time. And now that everything has finally died down and they can all have their peace, she’s desperate for a bit of familiarity, for their whole world to finally revolve around the five of them once more.
“We’ve always been here, Han,” Emily murmurs, rubbing her back soothingly.
Hanna laughs to herself. Emily referring to her and Ali as we seems an awful lot like what couples did. But yeah, whatever, if Emily isn’t ready to tell her what her deal with Alison is yet, then Hanna can wait. Without a job or a fiancé for that matter, she has plenty of time to do just that.
When Hanna arrives at the restaurant, the others are already there. And of course, Emily and Alison are sitting next to each other. No surprise there. (Hanna pauses for half a second when she sees that the only available seat left is next to Spencer and tries to push down the heartbreak that rises in her chest). Aria spots her first, waving her over and Hanna forces a smile as she slides in next to Spencer.
“So, have you guys ordered yet?” Hanna asks.
“We were waiting for you,” Spencer says, offering her a hesitant smile.
“And now that you’re here,” Alison begins, propping open the menu, “we can order. Do you see anything you like?”
Hanna barely glances at the menu before seeing that her favorite dish is still up. She calls for the waiter as Spencer and Aria discuss splitting the bill. Emily and Alison are talking in hushed tones, pointing at various items in the menu and touching each other innocently. Hanna narrows her eyes when she spots Ali placing her hand on Emily’s knee after she’s finished ordering. The rest place in their orders as well.
Hanna leans back in her chair, quickly shutting her phone off as she listens to Aria gushing excitedly about her book deal. Apparently, she and Ezra have already been given their schedules about the whole thing and Hanna is so happy for her that she nearly cries. Spencer notices how shiny her eyes are and wraps an arm around her shoulders.
(Hanna involuntarily stiffens. Spencer notices and tries not to look hurt as she pulls away.)
“Han, are you crying?” Emily asks, sounding very worried. Alison is looking at her as well, brows furrowed.
“God, no,” Hanna says, waving off their concerns. Aria reaches out from across the table to hold her hand and Hanna laughs. “I’m just,” she starts, “Something’s wrong with my contacts but I’m really happy for you, Aria. I always knew you’d be one of those bigshot writers.”
“I’m a long way from becoming the next Fitzgerald,” Aria tells her gently. Everything about Aria is gentle.
Hanna wipes at her eyes with a tissue and waves away their prying looks. “Jesus, I’m fine. My contacts just got—mismatched or something. Anyway, Alison—” she smiles when Emily shoots her a look “—I haven’t seen you in a while.”
The blonde returns her smile. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that.” Those two have been tiptoeing around each other for a while now, especially with the fact that Hanna was the one who drove over Rollins but Alison has assured her, on multiple occasions that it’s fine.
(Hanna doesn’t think that it’s fine, actually. Her nightmares and panic attacks keep telling her that nothing is fine.)
“Are you still teaching at Rosewood High?” Spencer asks Ali.
“Not as of the moment,” Alison answers, shaking her head. A dark look passes across her features. “I’m taking a leave. I think everybody knows why.”
Aria matches her sad look. “And once more, we are the talk of the town.”
“It’s nice to know that some things don’t change,” Emily mumbles and Alison shoots her a fond look.
Hanna stays quiet, reaching forward and sipping her wine. Conversation changes as Aria starts to ask Emily about finishing college. For once, Emily is not on her defense. In fact, she seems very excited about finishing her degree in Hollis and she talks about how her mother is very supportive about the whole thing. Hanna eyes Alison, who looks at Emily like she’s the light of her life.
“They’re not dating,” Spencer whispers to her quietly.
Hanna glances at her as she finishes her wine in one go. “How do you know?” she asks, her voice low.
“Because Ali came by to the house a week ago,” Spencer answers patiently, looking a little bit nervous talking to Hanna about things unrelated to Caleb or Rollins, “and she told me that Emily had asked of her not to think of things like that.”
Hanna scoffs. Such a typical Emily thing to do. Either she’s jumping into new relationships or refusing to go through old ones again. She briefly thinks of Paige and how willing she had been to wait for Emily, even as the girl was going through some tough things. She wonders if Alison is just as willing to do so.
“Emily’s obviously still in love with her,” Hanna mumbles, “I mean, the whole time Ali was in Welby, it almost felt as if Em was going to lose her fucking mind.”
Something flashes across Spencer’s face as she looks away. “Yeah, it felt like it.”
“Glad to see that they’ve worked something out,” Hanna says under her breath and Spencer doesn’t say anything else.
Their order arrives and all chatter dies down. Hanna immediately devours her food, chewing spoonful after spoonful. Spencer is quiet, possibly mulling her conversation with Hanna over and over again. Aria and Ali are talking about literature; The Great Gatsby, Pride and Prejudice and countless others. When Aria brings up Great Expectations, Hanna sees Emily hiding a fond smile behind her closed fist and Alison’s cheeks turning bright red.
Hanna has a feeling that Emily asking Alison not to think of things like that is about to change very soon.
They pile into the movie theatre by pairs, which means that Hanna is walking a short distance behind Aria and Spencer, who are too busy talking about post-election deals to notice that Hanna is brooding. (If Caleb or Jordan were here, they’d never leave her out but Hanna shakes that thought away, knows that it’s not good for her.) They’ve picked a horror movie, which she’s thankful of. She doesn’t think she can stand any romantic comedies in her current situation, which might actually lead her to crying or something.
Once they’re seated (Hanna in between Alison and Aria, with Spencer and Emily on the far ends), Ali quickly turns towards her, hesitant smile placed on her face. Hanna has a difficult time trying to forget that this isn’t the old Alison DiLaurentis, one whose smile could either make you or break you, one whose smile was quickly followed by a sharp insult or a thinly veiled threat.
“Hey, Han,” she says, clearing her throat, “I just wanted to say, thanks for inviting me along.”
Hanna returns the smile, even though her heart tightens at the fact that this is the woman who forgave her after killing her husband. She doesn't think she can even forgive herself.
“You’ll always be a part of our little group,” she replies. Then she changes the subject, subtly glancing over at Emily, whose eyes are trained on her phone, “So, how are you and Em?”
Alison’s smile almost falters. “What do you mean?” she asks.
“Oh come on, Ali,” Hanna implores, taking the extra time since the movie hasn’t started yet and making sure that her voice is hushed and low enough for the other girls not to hear, “You’re totally into Emily.”
Hanna expects a snarky rebuttal or a snappy defense mechanism. (God knows that the young Ali was so good at that.) Instead, Alison sighs, runs her fingers through her hair and quietly says, “It’s that obvious, huh?”
“Kind of.” Hanna grins, pleased to know that Ali isn’t in some sort of denial stage; Emily obviously is. “Look, I know that Emily thinks that it’s too soon or something but—but—” her voice cracks all of a sudden and she clears her throat, a wave of sadness overwhelming her. The memory of Caleb cradling her face and pressing his lips against hers before she was kidnapped by Rollins comes to mind but she forces it down. “But she loves you,” she finishes, because she knows that it’s nothing but the truth.
Emily loves Alison, always has and always will. Everybody knows it, has probably known it the minute Ali died and came back. And Hanna thinks that even after five years later, even after Ali got married, even after Rollins turned their whole world upside down again, Emily still loves her.
Hanna thinks of Caleb and wants to drown.
Ali is looking at her with a scrutinizing gaze. “You really think that?” she asks, "Because I know that I don't deserve her. I don't deserve anything good in my life."
“Ali, I don’t think it,” Hanna says firmly, her heart falling at the sight of Alison pitying herself. “I know it.”
Before Ali can respond, Emily calls for her attention. The blonde gives her another smile before turning away and Hanna doesn’t realize she’s holding her breath until her chest aches and she exhales it hastily. She stares at the couple (or soon-to-be-couple—Jesus, Em, get your grip together) and feels happy at how relaxed and settled they look. Alison is leaning against Emily’s side, the arm of the seat separating them both, and Emily’s hand is lazily tracing her shoulder. They’re talking in hushed voices and Emily’s eyes are fixed on Alison’s—both women are smiling.
Aria touches her shoulder. “Han?”
Hanna doesn’t realize there are tears in her eyes until she blinks them away. Shaking her head, she turns back to Aria, glad that the theatre is dark enough to cover her the red in her irises.
“Do you want to share the popcorn?” Aria asks, smiling softly at her. The gesture is so touching, so Aria-like that Hanna laughs, chastises herself that she’s lived individual lives without Caleb and Jordan in the picture for a long, long time and thinks that—maybe, just maybe, she doesn’t need some boy to make her feel happy.
After the movie ends, they all head home. (Hanna dryly notes that Alison spent most of the movie clutching Emily’s arm with her face buried against her flannel.) Spencer and Aria, who arrived together, all say their goodbyes first. Aria hugs Hanna while Alison takes Spencer to the sides to talk to her.
(Hanna closes her eyes once the smaller girl’s arms are around her, remembers Aria’s concern for her after being kidnapped, holds dear to her heart the fact that Aria—even after all these years—knows best when to leave her alone and when to drag her ass out of bed.)
“If you ever need to talk,” Aria whispers against her hair, “just call, okay?”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Hanna murmurs.
After Aria, there is Spencer. Hanna feels her heart squeezing on itself at the guarded look in the brunette’s gaze, knows that it’s because of the fact that they loved the same boy a little bit too much and takes the first step forward to engulf Spencer in an embrace.
(Hanna buries her face against the crook of Spencer’s neck, wonders if she held Caleb just as tightly like this and comes to the conclusion that Caleb doesn’t mean half as much as Spencer does. She can lose an ex-boyfriend but she doesn’t think she can lose Spencer.)
“I’m really sorry, Han,” Spencer tells her, her voice cracking.
“I’m sorry, too,” is what Hanna responds.
The two girls drive away, leaving Hanna with the two lovebirds. She turns to them with a huge grin plastered on her face and Emily rolls her eyes, tells her that she’ll take her home. They pile into Emily’s car (Alison in the shotgun seat, a fact that Hanna chooses to overlook because five years ago, Hanna would’ve been in that seat) and drive away. Emily is the one leading the conversation this time, telling Hanna all about the new cafés and restaurants popping up near Hollis. She doesn’t mention Caleb nor Jordan and not even New York and for that, Hanna is grateful.
Alison chirps in as well, sharing insights about what Rosewood has been like for the past few years and even comparing a group of girls at the school with their younger selves. Hanna laughs at that, because she doesn’t think there’s a more unfortunate incident than someone else going through what they suffered. Emily and Ali must share the same feeling because the atmosphere in the car plummets.
Hanna says, without thinking, “So when are you guys going to have your first date?”
Emily is so shocked that she nearly hits a fire hydrant, swerving at the last minute to avoid certain death and Hanna hits her head against the ceiling, pain momentarily striking her blind and dazed. When all of their hearts and stomachs have settled, Alison shoots Hanna a half-stern, half-panicked look.
“We’re not heading into that direction,” Emily says the same time Ali mutters, “Thanks for being straightforward, Han.”
Hanna sighs, rubs her temple. “Why not?” she asks, the question directed mostly at Emily.
“Because,” Emily stresses the word, as if it’s enough to explain why she won’t go after the girl she’s been pining over for nearly a decade now. Hanna wonders if she’s having an internal battle within herself because the brunette doesn’t say another word.
“Because my husband was killed,” Ali finishes for her, tone devoid of emotion and Hanna flinches, knows that the words are directed at her like a slap to the face and her heart cracks all over again, “and I’m not fit for a relationship. Not like that, not anymore.”
“Ali, I—” Hanna retorts, tears stinging the back of her eyes at the thought of Rollins. Not out of sadness but more of a crushing guilt.
Ali cuts her off cleanly. “I’ve told you before, Hanna,” she says calmly as Emily glances at her for half a second, “its okay. I don’t blame you.”
Hanna wants to tell her that just because she made a mistake with one guy doesn’t mean that she’ll make the same one with Emily. Hanna wants to tell her that Emily is nothing like Rollins and that she’ll never ever hurt her. Hanna wants to tell her that out of the five of them, Ali has been deprived of her happiness too many times and that she probably deserves it the most.
But she catches the look in Emily’s face through the rearview mirror and decides to let it go.
“Okay,” she says, shaking her head and crossing her arms. Ali glances at her, expression full of pain, and Hanna’s frustration melts away.
She just hopes that those two know what they’re doing.
Right after Emily drops her off at Lucas’s loft, Hanna sheds off her dress, pulls on some comfortable clothes and crawls into the couch with Mr. Robot playing in the flat screen TV. She has a lot on her mind: Aria’s unwavering support and gentle words, Spencer’s guarded expressions and the way she flinches whenever Hanna comes too close, Emily’s need to hastily hide her heart from her sleeve because she thinks she’ll get hurt, Alison’s undeniable belief that she doesn’t deserve someone as pure and as good as Emily.
(She wonders when life for them became too complicated, strings of lies and half-truths and deep secrets tangling them in a web that they can’t get through.)
She watches the show with half interest, her mind going to places. She thinks of Jordan and how he must be dealing with a broken heart and a rejected engagement, she thinks of Caleb and how conflicted he must’ve felt and how alone he must feel now. She thinks of Alison, looking at Emily like she’s her world and of Emily, touching Alison like she fears she’s going to lose her any second.
It doesn’t even take her a full minute to decide. She pulls her phone out of her bag, searches her contacts and waits for the ring.
“Hanna?” Spencer says on the other end, when she finally picks up.
“We need to get those two together,” Hanna tells her, determined and certain that she’s not going to let Emily watch the girl she loves slip away from her fingertips.