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Steve could say it was a result of the war; must be ready at any moment’s notice to jump to your feet at the first warning sign of danger. Jerry and the enemy don’t ever sleep,so why should you be allowed the luxury? You can either sleep when you're dead,or when the war was over,and by god,you better hope it was us who won it when it did end. The image would have been ruined at the thought of Captain America doing so human and primal. Surely the super serum took all those away. Captain America didn’t need to eat or sleep when there was a war going on and our boys dying at the expense, are you kidding?
Nah,Steve always considered himself a light sleeper. Whether it was the rise of the sun on the cusp of a busy city,sharing a shoebox apartment with his best friend that couldn’t find the meaning of quiet even if you threw a dictionary at his head,or any combination of the sort. He was up at the first sound of doors closing,floorboards creaking,or footsteps echoing softly across them. America was lucky that didn’t come from a bottle,he was up at the first sounds of engines and propellers before an air raid was sounded and bombs dropped. Granted,the serum did excel his hearing,but the rest was all him.
As annoying as it could be, recently he had come to be extremely thankful of it and relied on it. Like now, when he jerked awake at the first sound of struggling and whimpers. It didn’t take long to get his bearings, realizing he was in bed, in their room at the Avengers compound. Steve flipped around to his other side,eyes landing on his boyfriend’s contorted face. Bucky was tangled in the bed sheets by now,a fine sheen of cold sweat glistening in the early morning light. It couldn’t be later than 6am. Bucky’s legs kept kicking out like he was trying to run,and judging what he was probably dreaming about. Steve could only imagine what and who it was Bucky was running from this time. Anything from HYDRA,to Red Room,or even Rumlow and Pierce.
Steve started out brushing Bucky’s damp locks off his forehead,speaking in a low tone in his ear as he tried to pull his poor friend out of the tight confines of the sheets. Sometimes Steve will get lucky and Bucky can subconsciously grab onto Steve’s voice and he’ll calm down,stay asleep. Meaning Steve could either miraculously find sleep again too,or (usually) give up and pull on his shoes to go out for a run. He wondered if Sam was up already,always a good sport for Steve to laugh with. It worked for about five minutes, Bucky had stopped struggling, he was leaning into Steve’s touch,Steve really thought he had won this round.But then Bucky just started shouting his name,tears slipping slowly down his cheeks. Steve declared this an official loss,Bucky’s mind had him too tight in its clutches.
Now Steve had to choose how to play this because Bucky was going to wake up one of two ways,when it come to night terrors one usually won out over the other. It was when Bucky started the blood curdling screams that Steve knew it was really time to wake up. Steve pulled himself up on an elbow,grabbing Bucky’s shoulder just to stabilize him and keep him from moving. He had to work fast before a part of Bucky realizes he was now immobile and starts to thrash harder. It wouldn’t be the first time Bucky sent him into the wall in fear whilst asleep,or even those first few foggy seconds as he woke up and didn’t know where he was. The compound was still far from being that kind of familiar comfort just yet.
Bucky raised his arm over Steve’s,something tipping him off that something wasn’t right and he was being held down. Like the chair that he was strapped in before they erased his memories over and over again. This could get ugly.But Steve did see Bucky turn his head towards the direction of Steve’s voice. It was more than what Steve got when he was just whispering in Bucky’s ear,something must be getting through.
“That’s it,baby boy,”Steve went on,letting go of Bucky’s shoulders to brush his finger over Bucky’s cheek.
Soft,easy touches,things he never had as the Winter Soldier. Something for Bucky to differentiate. It seemed to be the right way to go,Bucky’s limbs stopped flailing at least, slowly figuring out there was nothing to fight off.
Bucky’s body was tense,muscles coiled and ready to spring into action when his eyes finally snapped open. They flashed around the bedroom in a hurried frenzy, in a way that sadly reminded Steve of a wild animal backed into a corner. Steve held his ground,only removing his hand from Bucky’s face to give him his space. The poor guy was panting like he just ran the whole way there from whatever far away place he was being held at in his dream,even if it was some disastrous mission from the past he had been thawed out especially for.
“Hey,Buck.” Steve whispered,testing out the waters gently.
Piercing blue eyes instantly turned towards him, like Bucky hadn’t realized he was alone.
“You with me?”
It took a long moment for the rest of Bucky’s mind to catch up with him,fully register who he was looking at,to recognize Steve as Steve and not a potential threat. And it killed Steve every time,just thinking about how that trained assassin and the instincts were always so close to the surface. Always there.
The assassin seemed to go right back there since Bucky’s eyes soon softened up and got shiny with tears when both sides of Bucky really understood what this was Steve . And Steve always meant the opposite of hurt and pain. It had barely taken Bucky reaching a hand out to Steve for Steve to gather him up in his arms in a tight embrace,making sure Bucky still felt safe and knew he was really awake.
Steve was still treating this like any other nightmare either of them could have,because Bucky wasn’t the only one plagued by old memories in his sleep. Only Steve was actually more violent than the Winter Soldier when it was him with a nightmare. When he was finally able to wake up,and was aware he was awake,Bucky was out of bed and calling to him from across the room after Steve nearly broke his neck once with a knee to Bucky’s throat ready to snap it like a twig. JARVIS had to intervene and wake up a few others in the compound for that one,Bruce and Clint had to help pull Steve off a red faced and oxygen deprived Bucky. Made Steve wonder what HYDRA would think if they found out an unconscious Captain America was more lethal than their Asset. Not that that was a fact Steve was proud of.
Steve had seriously tried to talk Bucky into getting his own room for his safety,even if his nightmares came more sparingly and a little less blood soaked than Bucky’s. And of course Bucky wouldn’t hear of it. As worried as it made Steve,it did mean he would be there to help Bucky through his at least.
It wasn’t till Steve was rocking them gently from side to side,trying to bring Bucky down from that rush of adrenaline that Steve heard the soft,”Daddy.” Along with the death grip on his shirt tightening even more,that Steve knew which way to lean his care.
Must have been a really bad one if it caused Bucky to slip onto his headspace. It always made Steve want to punch someone thinking about the kind of trauma Bucky had to go through to even need such a headspace to escape to to begin with. And the many times Bucky must have slipped only to be left alone to take care of himself,or worse,to be around people that just didn’t care at all. Bucky had warned him of this sort of defense mechanism not long after he had given himself over to Avengers care. How when he would slip they would just zap his head again and again till the Asset was up front and in charge once more. Of course,that just caused even more damage. He said that by the time they had sent him after Steve there was already talk of him getting too damaged for further missions. It was a miracle that it was really Steve he was after and part of Bucky knew Steve would make it better,fix it. Granted, there were somethings not even Captain America could fix,but he sure had no problem trying and taking care of Bucky like Bucky oh so desperately needed. To love him like he should be loved.
When the tears seemed to simmer down,Steve chanced pulling away a bit to try to see Bucky’s face. Bucky must have been more aware than Steve thought,it was like he knew what Steve was trying to do and he whimpered and just clung to Steve harder. They weren’t going to get far like this. Steve shushed him softly,rubbing Bucky’s back soothingly,not sure if Bucky was still worked up by the dream,or now worried that Steve was going to leave him. It was still pretty much a new thing to Bucky,not having to deal with this alone,so he grabbed on tightly to the company with both hands. Quite literally.
“Come on,baby boy,let me see those pretty eyes,huh.” Steve tried,stroking Bucky’s dark,tangled hair back. Bucky had refused to cut it,he wasn’t a fan of it,but he said he was scared to cut it and see a ghost in the mirror. To see a man who had died decades ago. There was still a lot of adjusting.
Either way,the touch seemed to have helped,because he got Bucky to turn his head up towards Steve a little shyly. Steve smiled in encouragement at him,stroking the boy’s cheek with the pad of his thumb. Bucky’s eyes were red rimmed,cheeks and nose still wet, pallor still too pale to be considered natural. You could tell what Bucky had been stuck doing the last couple of minutes.
“There’s my pretty boy.” Steve cooed,drying Bucky’s face with the corner of a bed sheet from under them.
Bucky made a face at the sheet and shook his head at Steve. But Steve spotted the barest twitch of his lips,like a smile just waiting to show. That was something,at least. Maybe Steve could coax it out a little more.
“I’m an artist,Buck,I think I know when something is pretty. And I say you are.” Steve argued,drawing his fingers down Bucky’s jaw.
And there was the smile! Which Bucky promptly hid against Steve’s shoulder again,head shaking no. Steve couldn’t hold back the chuckle,that was too adorable. But anything was better than tears,really.
Steve checked the time again,debating on what the chances were of getting back to sleep. It was rare,though possible,succeeding in such a feat either of them now with Bucky like this. He was usually too scared to have Steve out of his sight,so closing his eyes was a big no-no. But it was when Bucky shifted in his lap that Steve noted there was a more important matter to see to.
Bucky had been Big when he had gone to bed,he usually was unless he was exhausted,or sick,or hurt. And nightmares didn’t happen every night,so they had been unprepared for this tonight. And Steve now noticed just how wet Bucky was,and consequently,him by way of Bucky in his lap. The sheets would probably need to be changed as well. Steve felt more tears on his neck the more Bucky moved,so Bucky figured it out too. And Bucky hated losing that kind of control of himself,Big or Little. Steve was pretty sure it was because they beat him when it happened,when Bucky slipped and before they could zap him again. Or when Bucky was alone on a mission and he slipped,he had to deal with the mess alone. Always alone. Steve’s heart just constantly broke for his sweet boy,his best friend and love. It was breaking right now all over again.
He shushed Bucky once more,going back to rocking,”It's okay,Buck. You had a bad dream,it happens.” Steve assured.Standing with his boy in his arms,Steve started padding towards the bathroom to wash them up. Bucky just cried harder,Steve was sure Bucky was going to wear himself out. At least Bucky was no longer scared Steve was going to hurt or beat him for it.
Steve sat on the lid of the toilet,reaching over to turn the water on in the tub.Plugging it up was a little awkward maneuvering around Bucky’s bulk,but he managed. They always manage. Steve added a little of the green apple bubble bath that Bucky liked,no matter what state of mind he was in,that left him smelling so sweet to Steve’s nose. Then Steve brought out Bucky’s Avenger themed rubber duckies,praying Bucky’s favorite Cap-Duck and Duckeye would help him feel better,though Steve always left out Iron Duck for reasons.It did take a little strength to get his boy to let go of him so Steve could undress him,even then the look on Bucky’s face when Steve succeeded proceeded to break his heart even more.
“There we go,”He nodded when Bucky was bare and still looking pitiful. “We’ll get you all nice and clean again,and then back in snugly jammies.”Steve went on,taking Bucky’s hand and helping him into the tub.
Bucky was quiet and just nodded back,but he was a quiet boy most of the time when he was Little. Steve chalked it up to a lot of the trauma too. Conditioned to be silent when he was like this,if anyone found out Bucky would have been dragged to the chair. Steve had seen some improvement since he had been taking care of the boy, Bucky will get out a couple simple sentences if he needed or didn’t like something. Steve could get him to laugh,and that counted as a huge plus in his book.
“Stay here for a second,Bucky bear.I’ll be right back.” Steve nodded as he pulled himself back to his feet.
He could see the immediate want to grab on to him on Bucky’s face,but he kept his hands to himself. Steve gave him a reassuring smile and kept the door wide open when he went back out to the bedroom. The sheets needed to be stripped,and Steve needed to change his clothes as well. It was work that didn’t take five minutes,Steve just left the bed bare now,and he pulled on more sweat pants and a touristy Brooklyn shirt Nat had got him. He was back in the bathroom and in front of his baby boy in no time.
Bucky exhaled a soft relieved sigh when Steve had returned,and Steve could see he was finally getting some color back. He watched Bucky eye the ducks bobbing in the water,kneeing the underside of the purple Duckeye one to make it topple under water for a few seconds. He could have sworn he saw an amused look on the boy’s face. Bucky and Clint had an interesting relationship,something Steve could define closest to as maybe sibling camaraderie. But Bucky and Clint would be considered the little brothers if you added Sam to that threesome. There was nothing like being an audience member for the banter fests between all of them.
“If Duckeye is in trouble and can’t swim,shouldn’t Dulk come save him?” Steve asked,pushing the bigger green duck towards Duckeye.
Bucky looked at them for a second,then turning his eyes up at his Daddy and shrugged. Bruce was one of Bucky’s favorite people to babysit him when he was Little. Bruce was amazing with Bucky,and never treated him like he was damaged,no matter Bucky’s headspace. Bruce probably got too much of that himself.
“You don’t know,or you just like to mess with Duckeye because you think it's fun?” Steve arched a brow,because that would be just like Bucky.
And sure enough,there was a sneaky little smile on his boy’s face. Oh , Steve could not wait to tell Clint this. Bruce might have to hold his birdie back.
“How about,for the purposes of why we’re here,we don’t drown anyone,and we just focus on cleaning you up,huh?” It was hard to avoid rolling his eyes,but Steve was glad Bucky was plotting things against his friend,it meant he was feeling better.
Again Steve got a shrug,which was more or less a green light to go forwards. So he grabbed a cloth and some sweet scented orange body wash to start scrubbing Bucky down with. Bucky, for his part, didn’t really put up a fight against it,letting Steve move his limbs around to be washed. There was the occasional nudge or splash he’d give the ducks just to get them to move or bump into each other that Bucky seemed to be entertained enough to watch. Though it was mainly Duckeye that was getting the blunt of the abuse. When Steve pulled back to rinse all the soap suds off his boy he did notice Bucky was holding Cap Duk to his chest protectively, Steve couldn’t fight that smile off his face.
There were indeed times out in the field as Captain America and the Winter Soldier where Bucky would lapse and try to protect Steve like he would in the old days. Whether it was because his memory gapped and he forgot just who Steve was now a days,or just because old habits died hard. It still meant a lot to Steve,but Fury loved to chew Bucky out for it either way. Something Bucky seemed to take great pride in.Steve could tell Bucky had much respect for the man,though,it was just fun to make Fury explode.Like a child with a new favorite game.
Steve’s attention was drawn back when he watched Bucky try to hide a yawn with his free hand,Steve’s heart just melted,which was a nice change of pace from the constant pain. He wasn’t expecting Bucky to be tried though,he rarely was once he was up and awake. So this was a happy surprise.
“Sleepy,baby boy?” He asked,drawing wet fingers though dark tresses,stealthily checking if he needed to wash Bucky’s hair too. It was still soft and smelt faintly of apples,so they were good.
Bucky shook his head,hugging Cap Duck closer to him. Steve caught sight of Bucky’s hand moving up,making a fist like he was about to stick his thumb in his mouth,but Bucky decided against it. Sucking his thumb was a sure give away that he really was tired. Bucky,unlike most children Steve knew (the small handful at least) didn’t have a problem with pacifiers when he was Little. Steve thought it just gave Bucky an excuse to not have to talk when he was in his headspace since he wasn’t a big talker anyways. Bucky would look at Steve and point to his mouth in silent request for one if Steve wasn’t already ahead of him and fishing one out. It was only when Bucky was going to bed did he really prefer his thumb. Steve guessed there was something panic worthy of being vulnerable on the edge of sleep and feeling like you were being gagged. Probably something Bucky had experienced more than Steve wished he had. At least if it's Bucky’s thumb then Bucky would be in charge of removing it.
But Steve wasn’t falling for anything now that he saw that,he reached forwards to pull the plug to show it. Bucky looked up at him with a pout when Steve moved away to stand and grab a towel.
“Come on,now,none of that. Do you want to end up all wrinkly?” Steve asked,holding out a fluffy,hooded, brown bear towel open for his boy
Bucky just pouted even more,lower lip out and prominent now,sending Duck Widow off the side of the tub to crash into Duckeye. Steve really should talk to Clint and see if he did anything to piss Bucky off lately if Bucky was constantly trying to kill his rubber duck counterpart. Of course,Bucky didn’t want to even get in,and now he didn’t want to get out. That's generally how kids were,right?
“James,out now.” Steve tried in a more stern toned voice -- or as Bucky affectionately dubbed ‘Daddy Voice’. Steve tried to refrain from using it too much since the effect brought on much of what it did now; Bucky tensing,eyes down cast,and looking like he wanted to draw up into himself to hide. But it got Bucky to stand,at least,even if how it came to happen was a little on the bittersweet side.
Steve held in the sigh,and wrapped Bucky up tight,hugging him close.”My sweet baby boy.”He whispered,rubbing Bucky’s back,”Thank you for listening to me. You know you’re Daddy’s good boy,right? My Bucky bear now.” Steve added,pulling up the hood with the bear face printed on it and fixed up the ears. Bucky liked the towel just for that reason,surely it would help Bucky relax again.
“Right?” Steve tried again,this time wiggling his fingers against Bucky’s sides and getting a squirm and a muffled giggle the boy tried to hide. “I think I asked you a question,Bucky bear.” Steve sang this time,tickling Bucky more. Now the giggle was real and loud, Bucky trying to escape Steve’s hold.
Bucky eventually did with a high pitched,”Yes!” And Steve relented to allow Bucky to breathe.
Bucky’s cheeks were pink as he sucked in air. It just made his eyes sparkle,the prettiest sapphires Steve had ever seen. He grinned and kissed the boy’s nose as he scooped Bucky up into his arms. The rubber duckies would have to hang out in the bottom of the tub till Steve could get back to them later. Right now he had a tired baby boy to put back to bed.
Bucky was more or less dry by the time they were back in the bedroom,so Steve didn’t have a problem setting him on the bare mattress and laying him back. Bucky blinked sleepily up at the ceiling before his eyes found Steve again,thumb really in his mouth this time. Steve gave him a soft smile,drawing a comforting hand down Bucky’s stomach as he pulled away to start gathering what he needed to dress Bucky again. Starting with the brown and black puppy plushie from the top of Bucky’s dresser that had the softest floppy ears according to Bucky.
“Dum Dum.” Bucky grinned around his thumb,his free hand reaching out towards the puppy.
“There we go.”Steve hummed,handing Dum Dum over and started to shimmy a pull-up up Bucky’s legs to prevent any further accidents. “Dum Dum will help keep the nightmares away,won’t he,baby boy?”
Bucky nodded,face pressed against the brown fur,eyes closed now. He could fade quickly,but Bucky was going to get annoyed when Steve moved him to get his shirt over his head. So Steve stuck to getting some Hawkeye pajama pants up Bucky’s waist next,a gag gift from Clint,obviously. But with high chances of Bucky waking up Big next time like he usually did after he slept when he was Little,it will be fun watching Bucky’s face when he notices. Bucky loved those pants,no matter the fit he throws pretending he didn’t,but maybe it could get Steve an answer while Bucky kept trying to kill Duckeye.
Eventually,after grabbing clean blankets from the closet,Steve did have to get Bucky’s shirt on. Being cold will just bring on another nightmare,which Steve would very much like to avoid.
“Okay,Buck,come on. One more thing and we can go to sleep.” Steve promised,slipping an arm under Bucky to get him into a sitting position.
Of course, Bucky whined and whimpered at the injustice of it all,and it went right back to Steve’s heart,manifesting into guilt. Getting through this without tears was like picking which wire to cut in a bomb after losing the instruction manual. The timing had to be just right.
“Oh,I know,I know.You’re a sleepy baby.” Steve went on,popping the neck hole over Bucky’s head when he got the thumb out of his mouth for just a quick second,and then having tug Dum Dum out of Bucky’s arm to get that through the sleeve. The whimpering got louder now that he had nothing to help conceal them with,but Steve tried to make fast work of it.
”Daddy,no!” Bucky begged,eyes growing shiny and wet as they watched his furry friend helplessly.
“Shhhh,you can still hold him,”Steve promised,quickly setting the puppy back in Bucky’s arms when the shirt was officially on. Bucky nuzzled the plushie even harder,relieved it wasn’t being taken away from him. Steve would never fathom such a thing,but he kept his mouth shut about it. His poor baby boy.
Steve cleared his throat,getting a hold of himself so he could pick Bucky up again and move him higher up the bed against the pillows. He then threw the clean blankets over the bed,foregoing bedsheets till Bucky got up again later. Steve took a seat by Bucky’s hip while he was watched through half lidded eyes as he smoothed back Bucky’s hair from his face.
“There we go,baby. You can sleep now and have good dreams.” Steve smiled warmly,leaning forwards and kissing his boy’s forehead.
Steve had planned on throwing the soiled bed clothes into the wash,take care of the small mess in the bathroom,and maybe even catch the last leg of Sam’s run with him after all since it was still pretty early. Or that was the plan before he felt a tug on his sleeve. Steve looked back to Bucky,seeing a small pout back on his lips.
“Please stay.” Bucky whispered,pulling on Steve’s sleeve again.”Please stay with me,Daddy.”
It was the most Bucky had said at once since he had woken up,he must still be scared about what he dreamed about. Steve hoped to get that answer later too. But now he had to take care of his baby,and Bucky never had to ask twice about something like this. Steve just nodded,grabbing Buck’s hand and brushing it against his lips. It was enough to put a sleepy smile on his lips.
Steve moved over Bucky,slipping under the blankets on his side of the bed,and pulled his baby boy to him. Bucky cuddled up against his side,Dum Dum squeezed tight to his chest.
“Daddy?” Steve heard once they were settled,surprising Steve since he was sure Bucky would have just gone to sleep now.
“Yeah,Buck?” Steve answered,drawing soft circles in the small of Bucky’s back.
“...Sunshine?” Bucky asked around a yawn,a clumsy fist rubbing at his eye.
Steve chuckled softly against Bucky’s hair and nodded. Anything for his Bucky. “ You are my sunshine,my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray .” He had an alright singing voice,use to even sing a bit back in the day. Bucky loved it,and it helped Bucky calm down during some bad times.
“ You’ll never know,dear,how much I love you .” Steve sang pointedly,tightening his hold on his baby boy. “ Please don’t take my sunshine away .” He tapered off when he realized Bucky’s breath had evened out and finally fallen back asleep.
Steve really didn’t think he would sleep again. He expected to lay there till Bucky woke up,mess around on his phone or ask JARVIS to put on a muted movie. But it was always comforting and calming to have Bucky in his arms like this,and Bucky’s breathing was hypnotic after a while. It was impossible to fight consciousness for too long.
He didn’t know how long he was out,just that he was in a blissful,floating,dreamless sleep. Or he was till there was an outcry of,”Steve,what the hell am I wearing!” And a pillow in his face
Steve cracked his eyes open just in time to see Bucky stomp out of the room, mumbling, ”I’m gonna kill Barton.” Under his breath,Dum Dum dangling from his hand.