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“Alright,” Chan says through the speaker. “Only a few more lines, ok? We can circle back to this one.” They had been at it for a few hours now, recording not just tracks for the upcoming album release, but a few others to be tucked away for future use.
Chan could tell that Hyunjin was getting frustrated. Hyunjin’s body language made that clear, the way his shoulders had tensed, his movements in the booth stiffer all around. It wasn't uncommon for one of the members to get a little frustrated during recording, especially their Japanese songs, and everyone had their off days... but something about this time felt different.
The line set that he was working on was English and Japanese, and Hyunjin kept tripping on the pronunciation flow. Chan couldn't blame him, it was a tricky line, but he had full confidence that Hyunjin could nail the line. He wouldn't have assigned it that way if he didn't think that.
It was just the two of them in the studio today, Changbin and Han had a schedule. They couldn't always all be there for recordings, and Chan seemed happy to be there. Hyunjin was glad they weren't there, glad that there weren't two more sets of eyes on what was shaping up to be one of the worst sessions of his career. He was getting really upset about this stupid line. He wasn't sure why it was so difficult, why his voice wouldn't just work. It made him want to cry. And that’s why it was the worst. He didn't want to be this upset about the line, he didn't want to cry.
“No, I can do it.” Hyunjin said, gaze a little spacey. His eyes were unfocused, but his stare was unwavering.
“I’ll do it.” He said, lower this time, nodding his head as he spoke. It almost sounded more like he was trying to convince himself rather than Chan.
“Okay,” Chan nodded. He queued up the track, and waited patiently.
Hyunjin gave the line another go, finally getting the pronunciation, before his voice did something he had not asked it to. For the fifth time, he had screwed up the same line. He finally got the stupid flow, just for his voice to crap out on him. Of course it did. It was no secret he had been struggling with it. Hyunjin's blood boiled under his skin with shame.
He should be able to do this. He was an idol for god’s sake. They've been doing this for seven - almost eight - years. And he can't hit a stupid note? It’s not even that high, not like anything some of the other guys could hit. He felt it all come to be too much, his emotions pushing to the brink.
Tears started to well up in his eyes. His mind was so, so loud with his own voice telling him he should be better. He couldn't do this anymore. Why couldn't he be better? Why was his mind so loud? He squeezed his eyes shut hard, and a tear finally broke out, sliding slowly down his face. He had to go. Now. Before he could talk himself out of it. This time he really would quit. He should have done it sooner. All he did was mess things up, he shouldn't have stayed. Stay. Oh, his precious stays. What would they think? Would they hate him for leaving? Would they understand? He couldn't worry about that. He opened his eyes as he hastily slid a hand across his cheek, wiping away the tear, and grabbed his bag.
“Sorry, Channie-hyung. I have to go.” He quickly started to make his way out. He left the recording booth, and was a step from the door, arm outstretched, when all of a sudden there was a warmth at his back.
Chan’s mind was screaming as he watched Hyunjin stalk out of the booth. Had been screaming at what he saw in Hyunjin's face in the moments before. Something inside Chan was shouting “CATCH HIM” like it knew that if he let Hyunjin walk out that door without support right now, that it would be the end. And Chan couldn't bear the thought. As Hyunjin reached for the door, Chan did the only thing he could think to do, and wrapped his arms around the tall boy’s torso, squeezing tightly.
Hyunjin froze.
He didn’t know what to do with that. And then all at once, the building wave of emotions crashed over him, and he started sobbing. Chan’s grip didn't falter, holding strong. Chan was terrified. They couldn't lose Hyunjin. He was too special. He hoped his embrace didn't give off the fear, but rather the comfort he was trying so hard to put forth. He held Hyunjin like everything depended on it, because it did. He knew, somehow, that it did.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay, Hyune.” Chan’s words were a blanket of comfort, wrapping around Hyunjin and warming him like a fireplace on a snowy day. It didn't stop his tears. Hyunjin turned in his hold to wrap his arms around Chan’s shoulders. He buried his face into his neck and cried.
“I’ve got you.” A small whisper into Hyunjin’s hair. One of Chan’s hands slid up to scratch the back of his neck in a comforting gesture. It helped. The hand still on his back moved up and down at the pace of Chan’s breathing. It helped.
Hyunjin wasn't sure how long they stood there, be it seconds or minutes, but his tears eventually stopped. The sobs turned to shaky sniffles, and he almost felt like he could breathe again. He tried to match his breathing to Chan’s. Slow, even, consistent.
“There we go,” Chan encouraged. “There you are. I’m right here,” the hand in his hair slid back down to Hyunjin's back, pressing him into his chest further in a tight hug. The pressure felt nice, and Hyunjin felt his heart rate steady.
“Chan, ‘m so sorry,” Hyunjin let out, his voice quiet, like it was afraid to come out. Hyunjin almost felt like he was going to cry again.
“Hey, you don't have any reason to be sorry.”
“I just-” he sighed. “I can't do this right now.”
“That's okay, it doesn't have to be right now. We can come back to it.” Chan said, and Hyunjin didn't know how Chan always managed to say the right thing. The comforting thing. Exactly what he needed to hear.
“Let's go back to mine, yeah? We can just relax for a bit. We still have two hours before our schedule.” Chan leaned back to look at Hyunjin, searching his face for confirmation.
“Yeah, okay.” Hyunjin nodded, not trusting his words any further. He felt a shift in his chest. Maybe he wasn't so alone. Maybe he could do this, and it would be okay. Maybe the world wasn't crashing down around him. He loved his members, and in this moment he felt that love returned tenfold. And that’s all he needed.
Chan slung the strap of his messenger bag over his shoulder after carefully putting his laptop inside, and clapped a hand onto Hyunjin's shoulder. They walked silently down the corridor, Chan’s arm still wrapped around him, but it was a comfortable silence.
The visceral feelings in Hyunjin's chest had subsided. The ones that nagged him, the thoughts that plagued him all ripped away, replaced with the love coming from Chan. It was like they were connected on a subconscious level. The way that waves of calm rolled off Chan, working their magic on his anxieties.
They got back to Chan’s apartment not twenty minutes later, and after dropping their bags at the door, Hyunjin made a beeline for the couch. Chan stopped into the kitchen before coming over with two mugs of steaming liquid. Tea. He produced a box of pepero from his pocket, too, before grabbing a blanket from the storage ottoman.
Without a single spoken word of communication, Chan had known exactly what he needed. He pulled up a quiet documentary on Netflix, something art related, and they curled up into the couch. Hyunjin let his head rest in Chan’s lap, and the older immediately wound his fingers into it, absentmindedly playing with it. It was cozy. Comfortable. And that was all it took for Hyunjin to know he’d be okay.
▸ ─•────
“Hey, Chan. Can I talk to you for a quick second?” Hyunjin asked as they wrapped up their practice. They’d been dancing for hours in preparation for their first performances of the new album. Comeback season was always busy, and Hyunjin was always giddy with the rush of it. But he was almost vibrating with the idea that had come into his head that day as they practiced.
This was the part that came easily to him. The dancing. The rhythm of the music, his movements. It was a lot of work, and it left him feeling exhausted, but in the satisfying way that had him craving more.
“Yeah, of course.” Chan pointed over to the edge of the room, and they departed from the rest of the group, who were all scattered across the floor for the break. “What’s going on?” Chan had an assessing look in his eye as he looked Hyunjin over from head to toe.
He’d been doing that a lot since that moment a few months back, but Hyunjin didn't mind. He felt like Chan could see straight through him, but he also felt like Chan seeing through him is what kept him clear. Clear from the nagging thoughts of self-doubt, the echoes of negative comments he'd seen online. It was like Chan could see when that doubt was forming, and pushed it aside.
“I’m okay,” Hyunjin said. “Really. I wanted to talk to you about- well, I guess I don't know how to put it. Um.” He was suddenly nervous.
“Hey, whatever it is, don't worry. I’m here for you always, you know that.” Chan smiled, his eyes crinkling. “Just focus on your words.”
“I was wondering if- for the fan sign, not forever. But-” Hyunjin cut himself off, trying again. He needed to start with the actual question.
“Can I sing the last line? In 0801? I know it’s your line to stay, but I was thinking about- um, about a few months ago, and- I know that they don't know how hard that day was for me, how close I was to…” he let his words trail, not wanting to give it a voice.
“...I don't know. I feel like I want them to hear that from me. That I'm here. Because I am- here, I mean. And I’m not going anywhere.”
“Yeah, Hyunjin. You can take the line for the fan meet.” Chan smiled, and it’s so full of fondness that Hyunjin can't help but smile himself. He pulled the older in for a hug despite the fact that they were both drenched in sweat. They stayed like that for a moment, before Hyunjin pulled back, leaving his hands on Chan’s shoulders.
“Thank you,” he said, with the weight of every unspoken thought behind it.
“Thank you. For staying.” Chan’s gaze held something then, and Hyunjin couldn't place it. “We would never be the same without you. You’re not replaceable, and you never will be.”