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I hated sleeping, and I know I shouldn’t but sometimes, all I can see is my mother dying in my arms, vomit surrounding us. I thought everything was going to be a good, good dreams, no pain, and all of that fun stuff.
“Alex, are you alright?” Laf asked me, walking over to sit by me.
When did I start sweating? And when did Laf get here? “I don’t know right now, but what day is it?” I mutter back, I felt another hand on my lower back, Hercules, I felt the bed shift weight when all of my lovers sat down.
“February 19, why? Something happen today?” Lauren’s asked, worry seeping into his tone.
I froze, she died today, that sickness took her from me over ten years ago, I missed my mom. “Darling? Breathe, what happened?” Hercules asked, his worry was making me a little anxious.
I could tell them; they would want to know right? What if they didn’t, what if they left me, what if I never see them again, what if Laurens died? What if any of them died? Then I would be alone again.
I clutched my head, dodging out of their grasps. I felt Hercules take his arms away in a heartbeat, my heart was beating so fast. I felt a chest against my back as I curled into myself. His muscles were right against me. I sobbed; I missed her more than anything.
“Mom dead day,” I choked out, it didn’t make sense, but I knew they understood, I felt like I was going to throw up.
“Amour, it’s alright now, you are healthy,” Laf said, I could hardly breathe.
I was alive, sure but my mom died, she died in my arms. Wait why am I lying down? When did I lie down, I don’t remember doing that, I felt their arms across my chest, my heart still beating pretty fast. I didn’t want to sleep.
But of course, I did, and when I did all, I could smell was vomit. Vomit everywhere. Vomit on me, Vomit on my mom- I froze, when I looked down and saw my mom, her hair her red hair was the color of vomit. Tears fell down my eyes, it hurt to look down at her with my own eyes, I could hear her muttering reassurances. Her voice, God I missed it, I caught one thing fully, “Alex, take care of your sibling, take care of one another, okay? I love you.”
“I love you too mom, please don’t go,” I choked out, my tears running down into her hair.
I failed, my siblings were dead, my cousin committed suicide, or so we think, I failed over and over again.
When I woke up, I sobbed into the air, I felt the bed shift weight, but I didn’t even look over there, I looked at my knees, which pulled up to my chest, “Alex, breathe,” muttered John, his heart was against my ear, I leaned harder into him.
“I’m sorry, but I saw her and she died again in my arms and, I guess I just failed,” I sobbed quietly, his hand coming over my side, he pulled me closer.
“Never again, your safe again, you're not a failure, your uncle and siblings weren’t your fault, you couldn’t have stopped them from dying,” John said into my hair, his breathing steady unlike my own.
“I love you, I don’t say it enough,” I mutter, my heart skipping a beat just slightly.
“I love you so much, Alex, my dear,” he pressed a small kiss to my head.
“Everything alright you two?” Asked Herc and Laf, they joined us over where we were sitting with each other.
“As good as it can be right now,” John replied, his voice careful, but protective.
I froze again, images flashing in my head of my mom again, that is what she said, the day before she died, God not again, I miss her so much, I coughed, and coughed and coughed, my heart beating a bit too quick, my breathing picked up, just slightly.
“Darling, breathe you're going to be okay, whether it's now, or in ten years, we will be there every step of the way,” Hercules said, his voice separating my thoughts, John held me closer, his heart still against my ear.
“Some guy said I was cursed a few days ago, because almost all of my family is dead,” I said, my voice a strange choked mixed with fear, “what if I hurt you guys?”
“You can’t I love you too much, we would survive out of shear will, and you know it,” Laf said, both confident and loving, his scar was still there from the wound he got while he was in the army.
I remembered my time in the army like it was yesterday, I still had some nightmares about being at camp and a sneak attack happened, lots of people died that night. I had scars, but they were always covered, I didn’t like them as much as my lovers, they wore theirs with pride, I don’t know why I couldn’t do that anymore.
“Amour, what are you thinking about?” Laf asked. His brown hair falling into his eyes.
“Our time in the army and that one sneak attack,” I responded, I felt John tense against me, Herc and Laf seemed to tense just slightly.
Our time in the army is something none of us really talk about, mainly because of how John almost died, but it was an insanely sensitive topic, our scars are something we should wear with pride because of how we got them. But I guess some of them are hidden by all of us, this battle is something we don’t talk about mainly because of how much blood had been spilled. my heart still hurt to see Herc injured.
“That battle was a nightmare to have, we should have been more ready, but what were we going to do about that?” Laf said.
“I’m glad we survived that,” John muttered.
“Me too,” we all responded quietly ready to go back to sleep.
“I’m going to sleep,” I muttered.
“Night, Alex.”