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The moon shone in through our window, the rain from the storm earlier still evident. I felt his arm pushed against my heart. Probably Laurens, my dear.
I knew it wasn’t Laf, my Frenchmen was sitting across from me, brushing his hair. His curly hair fell over his shoulders, while it was usually up, today it was down. Hercules was playing games on his phone; I could hear his fingers tapping the screen. And Laurens was asleep on me, his heart still against my back, with his arm moving slowly away from my heart.
I felt bad that I kept waking him up, he keeps telling me he doesn’t mind, but what if he does? What if he is just lying to me. I push away those thoughts as I try and fall asleep. I felt his arm wrap around my shoulder, keeping me against his chest. I smile as I doze off into my sleeping state.
When I opened my eyes in my dream I froze, I was watching my cousin, I missed him, I couldn’t lie, but I was seeing him in the kitchen, he grabbed a knife out of the knife block and pointed it at his heart.
He drove it in, hard. He gasped for air, but as he failed and fell to the ground, blood continued to pool around him, his blood, my cousins, I could see the notes he wrote for us. Blood, it was just like it had been, just I’m seeing his body, him as he died right in front of me. I stared, how long had I been in this stupid dream? I hate this. I HATE THIS, let me out please! I sobbed in my mind.
I stared at his body, horror coursing through my veins as police rush in the building, one of them running into me and my sibling's room, taking us out of the house.
I remembered being given the cards he wrote, I think I still have it in fact. It was just him apologizing to us, that he hadn’t been there and hadn’t been able to keep himself alive.
I sobbed when I realized how my body was moving.
Why was I shaking? Was someone trying to wake me up?
“Alex, wake up Amour,” I heard when I finally opened up my eyes, I could see Lafs eyes staring back at me.
John had moved when I was asleep, now covering Herc who was cuddling him back, Laf had moved over and was sitting in front of me. I think he was cuddling me right before he woke me up.
I can see his watch, 3:42 AM. “Sorry,” I murmured, hugging him.
When his arms went back around my waist I froze, he felt me freeze, I could tell when he looked at me. His thumb came up and wiped away my tears, his curls now all brushed, “You don’t have any reason to be sorry, amour,” he replied, his calmness eating me up.
I put my head into his chest, I could hear us shuffling around, the bed sheets rubbing against our knees. I looked up the moon was reflecting off his hair, “Your handsome,” I murmured, hardly audible, although his smile told me he heard it.
He reached for his brush, the one he had been using earlier. and brushed it through my hair, it was soft, no tangles, no talking, nothing just quiet company, the wind swaying in the trees outside. A small heartbeat, his heartbeat.
“What happened in you dream Amour?” Laf asked, his voice calm.
Instead of answering I play with his hair, his eyes looking at me expectantly, “I saw my cousin kill himself, like the full thing, blood and all,” I murmured, not daring to look up under his gaze.
“Amour, you couldn’t have done anything,” he replied, putting down the brush and holding me against his chest.
“What if I had stayed with him? He was complaining he might kill himself, but I though he was joking, what if didn’t just ignore him? What if I didn’t push it off? He could still be here,” I choked out, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“He shouldn’t have complained to you, you were a kid worrying about school and getting over your mom's death, you shouldn’t have been there no matter what, amour,” he whispered into my hair, his eyes dragging over each strand of my hair.
“But-” I started when I realized he had a point, I still felt bad for it, but I don’t think I could’ve done something even if I wanted to.
“Exactly, you see what I mean now, not your fault,” he whispered again, pulling my face away from his chest to put on a small kiss on my lips.
I stared at him, disbelief coursing through my veins. But it was my fault? I thought, maybe it is and he just doesn’t want me to think that. I looked down the moon bouncing off both of us. I felt a small kiss go to my head, I burrowed into him a little more, looking up and into his eyes, a small kiss put on my forehead. he pulled me closer with no hesitation, a small smile playing at his lips.
“Fine, but I am sorry that I woke you up,” I laugh slightly, he was staring at me, his eyes tracing over all of my features.
“Don’t be, I’m glad you did honestly,” He whispered, as if not wanting to break the trans he was in, “you are handsome, how did I not notice how handsome you are before?” he breathed.
My breath caught in my throat as I thought of response, love coursing through my veins for my French man. Something I never thought I would be able to say about him.
“You are handsome to Laf, don’t sell yourself short,” I mumbled, a smaller smile appearing in my features.
His face flushed as he thought about what I just said, yeah, I should be okay one day, hopefully.