Chapter Text
Change wasn't good or bad, it was just an unavoidable part of life. Emilie used to say that.
Adrien found that he'd been reminding himself of her words more and more often lately. He tried talking to Dr Psiquat about it, but she didn't understand.
She didn't understand many things. It was probably Adrien's fault; he must not have been explaining them right.
It wasn't that he had a problem with change itself, he just wasn't sure how to react to it. He felt like although everything and everyone around him moved forward and evolved, he stayed the same.
Change was unavoidable, so Adrien always tried to be casual about it. But watching others react to it, seeing how they responded accordingly to every new circumstance made him wonder if something in his approach was flawed.
Lately, he'd been faced for the first time with changes he wasn't quite sure how to handle.
After confronting the akumatized statue of his father, he was more confused than ever. He wanted to ask Luka about it that day, but that was yet another recent change he was struggling to figure out the right way to approach.
Dr Psiquat thought it had been a great act on his part. She'd advised him to try confrontation again, said it could bring him closure. And since Adrien couldn't exactly confront his father…
"This was a bad idea." He stared at the Liberty, tall and proud in the starlit night.
"We can always turn back," Plagg offered.
"Yeah…yeah, you're probably right, I don't want to bother them and it's late anyway." They both ignored that the only reason it'd gotten so late was because Adrien had been sitting in place all evening. "I just thought— since Dr Psiquat said…" he trailed off.
"Who cares what she said? You're supposed to be doing this to feel better, if it's only stressing you out then we should leave.”
"Right." Adrien sighed and gathered himself off the pavement, gripping his cane more so to ground his mind then to balance his legs.
"Adrien?"
He stopped before he'd even finished taking his first step of retreat. He turned around to find Juleka walking towards him. "I—I thought you were inside,” he said, gaping like a fish out of water.
She shook her head. "I just came back from Rose's house." She paused. "Did you need something?"
"I, uh." Adrien’s face fell, scrunching awkwardly. 'Did he need something'? According to Dr Psiquat he did, but…
Plagg nudged him from his hiding place inside his jacket.
"I came to talk to you. And Ms Anarka. Mostly you. But it's late now, so I'll just go."
"You don't have to." Juleka stopped him before he could run away a second time. "What did you want to talk about?"
It was too late to back out then, so Adrien just sighed and gave in. "Luka."
Juleka nodded her understanding and they silently walked to the Liberty together.
Once inside her room, Adrien noticed Luka's side was preserved as before. A few of his things were missing, but it was clear Juleka had no intention of taking over it, she stayed put on her side. It was still their room even with only her in it.
This was a terrible idea, he was just making things worse for both of them. 'Closure', Dr Psiquat had called it, but this just felt like pocking at a gushing wound.
They settled on Juleka's bed, both purposefully avoiding each other's eyes.
"So?" She prompted him to speak, her voice weaker than ever.
"I…don't know." Was all Adrien could force out.
But Juleka said; "Yeah." Like she understood anyway. "It's all different without him here. Bad different."
"Yeah," Adrien echoed, because he understood too. "How do you…deal with it?"
Juleka made a noise of uncertainty. "We talk on the phone a lot. And Rose helps. And mom."
"Yeah," Adrien said again, but this time he didn't understand. He'd thought of talking to Marinette about it, but it didn't feel right, and he didn't exactly have those kind of conversations with Nathalie. He hadn't called Luka once since he'd left, not after failing to make him stay, not after being the reason he'd left.
Luka never called him either, and although Adrien understood, it still stung.
"Mom's still mad he left," Juleka went on, as if she could sense Adrien couldn't find his words. "Not at him, just…mad. I am too sometimes, do you—" She stopped, chewing on her bottom lip.
Adrien understood why. They've never had real conversations before, about emotions and whatnot, they barely even spent time together if it wasn't with the rest of their friends.
"Don't force yourself," he said. He took a deep breath and did to reach for his cane. "Me coming here was a bad idea, I'll just—"
Juleka grabbed his arm before he could leave. "Don't." Her voice was a mere whisper, but the desperation of it struck Adrien to his very core.
"Alright." Was all he could say.
"Sorry." Juleka ducked her head, almost embarrassed. "I just— I thought if anyone would understand, it'd be you."
Adrien blinked, slow and owlish. "Why?" Her parents would probably understand better, or even Marinette, she'd probably been the one closest to Luka of all their friends, since they dated.
Juleka gave him a weird look. "You're his best friend?" She said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Adrien blinked again. Was he? Surely Luka was just as close to him as anyone and, besides, he seemed like he'd be above biases like that. Nino was the first to come to mind when Adrien wondered who his best friend would be, but only because he'd heard him call himself that multiple times. He thought back to conversations he'd had with Luka and he couldn't imagine himself having them with Nino.
Marinette could also be his best friend, since she was his girlfriend. Alya often said that the person you're dating is your best friend—at least in good relationships.
Adrien wasn't sure.
"I'm not," he said. "I couldn't even get him to stay." He spoke without thinking, he hadn't meant to dump that on Juleka, but his thoughts were swirling and he—
"That doesn't matter," Juleka said. "He didn't stay for me either, but I'm still his sister."
Huh. "I guess so." Adrien stared blankly ahead. He couldn't figure it out. He shook his head, trying to dismiss the thought. "What were you going to say before?" He asked in an attempt to distract his mind.
Juleka shrunk in on herself. Shit, he'd said the wrong thing again.
"It's just…do you think I'm a bad sister for being mad that he left?" She asked. It felt like getting the words out had taken all the air from her lungs. Adrien had never seen her look so small, curled into herself, with her hair hiding her face.
"Of course not," he said immediately. "I know he did it for a good reason, but he still left his friends and family behind. I think you're allowed to be a little mad."
Juleka nodded, but she didn't look any less small. "Are you? Mad, I mean."
"I…" Adrien didn't get to be mad, it was his fault that Luka left. "That's different," he said after a moment.
"Right," Juleka said, but she didn't seem like she believed him.
They talked for a bit longer, but both their spirits had pretty much been stomped to the ground, and the next time Adrien made an attempt to leave, Juleka didn't stop him.
She did walk him out though. "I'm glad we talked today," she told him before he got off the boat. "Come again if you want."
Adrien nodded and they said their goodbyes.
Back home he crashed on his bed, even more uncertain of everything than he was before he left.
"Well, that wasn't terrible," Plagg said.
Adrien didn't know how to respond. He quickly changed out of his clothes and fell into a dreamless sleep.
The next morning, he woke up an hour before his alarm, fatigue deep in his bones and half formed bags under his eyes.
With his extra time, he made breakfast for Nathalie and himself. They'd recently started eating together.
Adrien wasn't used to having another person at the table since before his mother passed. It was nice, if a little awkward.
"How was your friend?" Nathalie asked him over eggs.
"Good," Adrien said, but the word came out uncertain.
"Have I met them?"
"I don't think so. Maybe briefly? Juleka. You'd like her."
"Mm. I'm sure I would if she's your friend."
They finished eating in silence. It wasn't like sitting with his father, where the silence had been suffocating, even if awkward, sitting with Nathalie was comforting.
He'd talked to Dr Psiquat about that too, about how glad he was for Nathalie's presence in his life, and whether that made him a bad son for preferring her to his father. That he wanted her to be his mother.
He remembered when he was young, Nathalie had always been close with Emilie; she'd been there for her more than Gabriel was. When she wasn't away looking for a cure, they'd take walks together.
"Shh, it's a secret," Emilie had told Adrien, playful, when he'd seen them outside the house, where he knew his mother wasn't supposed to go. Gabriel said she should always stay inside and rest.
"Okay!" Adrien had beamed at her, happy to be included.
Thinking about it now, Nathalie had felt like a second mother to him even from back then, telling him stories from her travels, comforting him when he was sad, and allowing him to poke and prod at her tattoos.
"Do you ever miss Mom?" The words left Adrien's mouth before he could stop them.
Nathalie froze as she was about to clean out the table. Adrien felt like kicking himself, what was he thinking— but then Nathalie eased and her eyes softened. She offered him a small, rare smile. "All the time," she said.
"Oh," Adrien did dumbly.
"What brought this up?" Nathalie asked, sitting back down.
"I was just thinking how close you used to be, and it's not the same, but someone I'm close with left recently." Adrien paused. "You used to leave Mom a lot back then too—and of course you were just trying to help her, but…didn't you miss her while you were gone?" Quietly Adrien added; "I think she missed you."
Nathalie averted her eyes, struggling to keep the strong front she liked to put up from slipping. "Of course I missed her, but I'd hoped that by missing her then I'd never have to miss her again. I suppose that didn't work, perhaps I should have stayed with her more."
Adrien shook his head. "I get it. My friend left for a good reason too." He smiled up at her sadly. "Thank you, Nathalie, this helped me a lot."
She nodded. "Of course. I am here for whatever you need."
Marinette came to pick him up for school soon after, a new habit they'd developed. She came bearing croissants and kisses and 'I love you's, and it all momentarily made Adrien forget about change, confrontation, and the previous night.
Being with Marinette was nothing like his relationship with Kagami, where everything had felt almost artificial. Sure they cared about each other, and Adrien loved Kagami, but being with her felt predetermined, controlled by an outside force.
Being with Marinette was…nice. The feeling of control was still there, but internal this time. Adrien assumed it was only natural, he was so used to that same feeling from his relationship with his family, that it made sense that it was just a part of love.
"Adrien?"
Oh. They'd made it to school already.
"Sorry." He quickly got off Marinette's scooter.
"Are you alright?" She asked. Adrien hated the look she gave him, like he was fragile. Vaguely, he thought it reminded him of how his father sometimes looked at him.
"I'm fine." He gave her a small smile and offered her his hand. "Let's go."
Being with Marinette was nice, but sometimes felt conflicting. Adrien tried not to think about it.
*
"I did what you suggested," Adrien told Dr Psiquat the next day. He toyed with the zipper of his jacket to distract himself, he hadn't wanted to come today.
"And?" She prompted him.
"I still feel the same."
"And how is that?" Dr Psiquat asked, because Adrien had tried to explain it to her before, but it was yet another of the things she didn't understand.
"Just…confused," Adrien settled on. "And guilty, and angry, which only makes me feel more guilty. I spoke to Nathalie about it and she said some things that made me understand better why my friend left, and even why my father did what he did, but— it doesn't take these feelings away."
"Do you want to share what Nathalie said?"
Adrien chewed on the inside of his cheek. "No." He'd never talked about his mother to Dr Psiquat before, he wasn't sure why, but he didn't want to.
"Very well," the woman said nonetheless. "These things take time, you can't expect to feel better overnight. Nothing can 'take away' our emotions, we have to process them in our own time."
"I get that but— I have so many good things in my life, I don't understand why I'm getting so hung up on the bad ones."
"Adrien, you have gone through things no one should ever go through, especially at such a young age, you're allowed to be as confused and angry as you want."
That stuck with Adrien for the rest of the session; he could barely pay attention until their time finally ended and he quickly made his way to the car already waiting to take him home. Sometimes, Dr Psiquat said things that were so Textbook Psychology, that it made them hard to resonate with him at all. They felt fake, like printed words on a manual rather than an actual person speaking.
He wondered if all psychologists said things like that, or only Dr Psiquat.
His phone vibrated in his pocket, cutting his thoughts short.
A text from Juleka read: sorry about Sunday. I shouldn't have dropped all that on you just because I needed closure. Then under that: You can really come again if you'd like, without the emotional unload.
Adrien smiled down at his phone. It's okay. How about tomorrow? He wrote back.
Okay :), came Juleka's reply after a moment.
Back home, Nathalie had already cooked for them, waiting for Adrien with the slightly saddened look she always wore after one of his sessions with Dr Psiquat. She had been supportive when Adrien told her he wanted to start seeing a psychiatrist, but it was obvious she felt she was partially to blame as to why he needed to go and it weighed down on her.
They had a silent dinner, save for Adrien asking if he could go out the next day.
It was a habit Nathalie had said was not needed anymore, but Adrien was so used to always asking permission for everything, that he couldn't seem to stop.
Once, when Marinette noticed it, she said she found it an endearing quality of his. She hadn't meant anything bad by it, but Adrien wasn't sure how to take it. Sometimes it felt like she treated him more like a doll rather than an actual person.
He quickly excused himself after putting away his now empty plate. He didn't like thoughts like that.
In the solitude of his room, he thought back to what Juleka had said about being mad at Luka for leaving and whether that made her a bad sister. He wondered if he was a bad boyfriend for having such awful thoughts about Marinette. She'd only ever meant well, and she loved him so much, he had no right to critique her like that, so nit-picky about something she'd said with perfectly good intentions.
Adrien had never really been in love before, and sometimes he feared he might be doing it wrong.
He had a restless sleep that night, tossing and turning in his bed as guilt ate at him even in unconsciousness.
He woke up collapsed on the floor, gasping, clutching at his chest from a dream he couldn't recall.
He looked around his room as he caught his breath. He could see under his bed like this, under his empty bookshelves. He still had to unpack, he reminded himself. Everything was so bland, but then again, so was his old room.
He'd often imagined what it would be like to live in a small house, somewhere cozy, with bright colors and bookshelves full of books he chose for himself instead of whatever his father had the staff buy him.
Currently, most of his possessions weren't really his own, he only had maybe a handful of things he picked for himself. He looked down at himself, in the pajamas Gabriel had designed, and the ring he once wore on his hand.
Adrien had noticed a few days ago that his hair had grown, now that Gabriel wasn't there to schedule monthly haircuts for him. He'd hate it if he could see him now.
He finally pushed himself off the floor when his knees and hips started to ache, unappreciative of the hard wood.
"Good morning sleeping beauty," Plagg joked when he noticed he was awake. "I wasn't sure if I should wake you up—bad dreams?"
"I don't know," Adrien said, stretching out his limbs. He was never good at remembering his dreams. "What time is it?" His alarm went off just as he asked. "Oh."
Nathalie was already waiting for him downstairs, breakfast ready.
"Good morning," she said courtly. "Did you sleep well?"
Adrien considered telling the truth. "Good morning, yes just fine." But he didn't want to give her yet another thing to worry about.
If she noticed the way his steps were slightly limping, she didn't mention it. She just nodded and asked if he would need the car later.
She treated his health so differently than Gabriel had, who used to handle Adrien like he was made of glass. Nathalie made small noises of concern when he would walk or stand for too long, or when he’d sit in a backless chair, but she never intervened unless he asked her to.
When Marinette came to pick him up, Nathalie made another comment about the car, but when Adrien dismissed her with a smile she didn’t argue.
At school, Juleka waved at him sheepishly while everyone settled in their seats. He waved back and thought maybe this wasn't a bad idea after all.
Still, he nervously messed with his cane while he waited for her by the school's gate after classes ended.
She walked up to him with Rose by her side and he silently waited as they said their goodbyes. They kissed like they never wanted to let go of each other; it was chaste but Rose's hands lingered on Juleka's face and she pecked her nose and cheek next for extra measure.
Adrien had always found kissing a bit generic, but the excess, lingering touch seemed nice.
"Sorry," was all Juleka said to him when Rose left.
Adrien shook his head. "It's fine. Ready to go?"
Their walk to the Liberty was quiet. He found himself thinking it kinda reminded him of sitting with Nathalie; mildly awkward but comforting.
"Luka asked about you when we called yesterday," Juleka finally broke the silence just as they neared the boat. "Haven't you guys been talking?"
Adrien's hand tightened on his cane. "Not really," he said, hoping it sounded vague enough that Juleka wouldn't realize they hadn't spoken to each other once since Luka left.
She gave him a look that said she realized exactly that. "He heard about the akuma attack with your father's statue and he was worried about you."
"Oh." They made it to Juleka's room, finally, just about when Adrien felt like his legs would give out. "I'm fine," he said.
Juleka raised her eyebrows. "I don't expect you to talk to me about it, but you don't need to lie for my benefit."
"I'm not…" Adrien tried but the words left him. He just nodded.
"Why aren't you talking with Luka?" Juleka asked. "He misses you."
He looked up at that, a small glim in his eyes. He knew it only made sense—they were friends, after all—but it felt nice to hear. "It just…doesn't feel right to call him," he said. He couldn't exactly tell Juleka he was the reason Luka left.
Juleka didn't push him to elaborate, instead she made a soft sound like she understood. "I'll go visit him in a few weeks, I could tell him something from you if you'd like, or…" she trailed off.
"Or what?" Adrien asked expectantly.
She didn't meet his gaze, fidgeting with her fingers. "Or you could come with me." Before he could react, she started spluttering, hands waving around wildly. "I just mean, I haven't visited him before, this will be the first time, and of course Mom will be there but I'd still like to have someone else with me and Rose can't come, so..." She sighed, shrinking back into herself.
"Okay," Adrien said without thinking, because in that moment he forgot about his guilt, and change, and Dr Psiquat's textbook advice, and how Luka hadn't called him either since he left, and everything else in the world. All that mattered was that Juleka looked so hopeful, and he liked talking to her even if it had made him feel bad the last time. And he could get to see Luka again.