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That blue pen of his is glued to his weary hand, just hoping or perhaps waiting for the right moment to dance his words away. Yet again, he crumples the paper and delivers it on to the ground, abandoning one of his thoughtful creations. It'll get better. Hopefully.
___*___
A faint, swift thud that hit the floor woke up Tyler. That was his cue to the start of the day. He squirmed on the bed for a while, sat with arms extended vertically. He probably should've taken that sleep he longed for.As he yawned, he leans down to pick up the book. He has been like this for the past two months. Evenings would involve staring at a blank paper for at least fifteen minutes or so. If distractions or lack of creativity blocks his way, he consequently ends up reading from his shelf of books. He knows he should fix his sleep schedule, that is if he actually had one.
Last night though, was a little different. That is why Tyler is now off to take a shower and maybe, just maybe, he takes a different turn today.
"Hey, where are you going?" Jenna asks, biting in the tuna sandwich that she doesn't even like.
"Where ever my feet takes me." Tyler responds, as he slid the folder in his grey backpack.
I'll be fine. Don't worry. I just wanna walk around." Tyler assures Jenna, as he ran his hand through his hair.
For sure, that was normal. Jenna was just unsure of the enthusiastic tone in Tyler's voice, seeing the depressing feature present in his face. His eye bags made him look pretty weak. Well, yes, he did look fine but there was something behind that smile of his, that implies a particular aroma that leads to Jenna thinking if her friend is just tired or there is a matter that Tyler won't speak of.
"Why are you here, by the way?"
Jenna could see that he is in a rough state but she just wanted to make sure she doesn't leave without Tyler's knowledge.
"Tyler, you see, there is this college that I-"
Tyler's smile faded. His head is down, eyes focused on the marble floor.
He began to laugh and said, "Yeah. I get it."
That night was nothing new. Except he felt something. There was something. There always was and it suffocated his mind.
People leave. They come. They go. They never stay, do they?
Voices. Whispers. Nonsense colors. Scenarios repeated.
As usual, Tyler didn't sleep that night.
___*___
It was a Tuesday. The day was busy. All the customers had their own fun little chats, the weather was fine, the door would open and close, the janitor was brightly smiling, whistling as he swept the floor with his mop, businessmen delicately held their cups of steamy coffee. It was a typical, busy, Tuesday.
Or so, they thought.
A shattering sound of smashed cups that spilled coffee all over the floor near the main door did catch the attention of the customers. But soon, their attention averted from the cups to the shaking twenty four year old man whose arms are held by Alex, the janitor.
"Help! Someone call an ambulance"
"What happened?"
"The coffee barista.. he.."
"Is he breathing?"
"Oh my.."
___*___
Tyler felt numb. His eyes were struggling to open and the bright lights of the room made it harder for him. The attempt for him to move his hands made him even weaker.
You're alive. He could hear it in his head. It echoed enough to register in to his senses.
Tyler blinked a few times before his vision finally adjusted and he could see a pink haired guy with a grey beanie.
"Uh hey there" The boy says, a nervous tone present in his voice. He gulps and slightly smiles.
Clueless of what happened, Tyler didn't utter a word and closed his eyes again. He did not want to talk. He wants to be alone.
"You may not remember me from last night but I'm Josh." He speaks calmly this time, eyes sparkling as his mouth said the phrase last night.
"It's alright. I'll be back later I guess. I'll call the doctor."
A few minutes passed by and the doctor entered the ward. He had grey hair and quite odd framed glasses.
"How are you doing, Tyler?"
"I d-don't know."
"Tyler, please answer me honestly. When was the last time you had a good sleep?"
Sleep? In Tyler's dictionary, that word never existed.
"Why do you care, old man?" Tyler muttered.
Realising the unnecessary outburst he made, his chest sunk in a pool of regret.
"Oh. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to."
"It's okay. Let's start again, shall we?"
Before he could even ask again, Tyler decided to tell the truth.
"Two months ago. I guess."
"It's all right if you don't want to tell why, but in a vague way, could you tell why could that be you fail to sleep at night?"
That was easy but of course, Tyler felt like he's choking.
"Just thinking."
"Well, that is too much of thinking, don't you think?"
"Probably."
"Do you remember what you did last night?"
Last night.
Yesterday was Monday. And well, Tyler decided to have a bit of fun and drag his mind with a few drinks. He wanted to forget. It didn't really work.
"Yeah. I was at a pub, drank a bit. I don't really remember who I was with."
Uninterested with the topic of medicines, Tyler just nods and stares at the ticking clock on the pale wall.
"Tyler?"
"I want to be alone."
"Okay. Before I leave, I want to tell you that I have a therapist to recommend for your sleeping problem."
Kristopher, the doctor quickly writes on a piece of white paper. "I'll just put it in here." He slid the paper in the front of Tyler's grey backpack.
___*___
A week passed and nothing much really changed. His bed and floor was full of either torn or crumpled pieces of paper. Books were scattered, some had their pages flipped to a certain page. Two in the morning turned to four.
Tyler groggily walked toward his bed and collapses. He's finally taken by sleep.
The next day, he wakes up at eleven in the morning.
It was a Sunday, which also means the coffee shop's closed.
He's all by himself, his arms enveloping his legs. He buried his head on his knees, trying to cope with the deafening silence.
And then, it happened.
You're crazy. Stop pushing yourself in to a blank wall.
You're just Tyler. Nothing else but Tyler.
You're nothing extraordinary.
Voices. Whispers. Nonsense colors. Scenarios repeated.
Tyler shifted his hands to his head. He closes his eyes and tries to breathe.
"Not today. N-not today.."
Even though he says this, his body walked toward the window.
He opens the window and placed a tight grip on the cool slab of stone of the sill.
Hushed footsteps startled Tyler making his eyes avert from the sight of fast cars and to the door.
What arrived was the same pink haired boy he saw in the hospital. His chest heaved as he panted and in a stuttered phrase, he says "H-hey.."
Tyler was confused. Why would he not be? A stranger in his flat. How odd. Really, pretty odd.
Still, Tyler politely asks, "Who are you?"
"Josh. Don't you remember?"
The boy's mood changed causing him to look down at his feet, his hands clasped together fidgeting the end of his shirt.
"Yes, I heard you say your name in the hospital. The real question here is how on earth do you know my address?"
Tyler's tone was more aggressive than he ought to be. He silently mumbles, "Sorry."
"The pub.. we m-met at the pub. You kept calling me Robert for some reason."
Tyler moved his eyes away from this boy's face, his cheeks flushed with a brand new shade of red. He's usually pale.
"You even said that you were uh d-desperate to have someone like Robert had his Mona. I really had no idea what you were talking about but you were bumping to a lot of people and you spilled a drink on this huge guy that you actually got kicked out. I don't know you but I could not just leave you there outside. The funny thing is that you managed to write-I don't even know who brings a pen and a notepad to a pub. So, you gave me your address and number and we were sitting at this bench and we uh.. actually you did.."
"What did I do?" At this point, Tyler has his eyes look at Josh.
"You kissed me.."
"I-It's alright.. you were drunk.. I get it." Josh continued, moving a bit closer to Tyler's frozen figure.
"Hey.. do you want me to leave? I know you told me to come here but I guess you were just not thinking that night.."
"Hey.." Josh gently put his hand on Tyler's shoulder.
Tyler was blank. He did not speak. He just stared into an empty wall of nothingness.
This had Josh really worried and so he carefully shifts his hands to Tyler's face.
Josh slightly caressed Tyler's cheeks, his concerned eyes focused into the lifeless pair in front of him.
"Tyler.. are you okay?"
"Hey.. c'mon now.. this is not how the second time of us meeting to be like this. You're quite interesting and I'd like to know you better.."
"Tyler.."
You're an idiot.
You're so desperate.
Why bother to breathe?
Tyler ignored Josh's presence. Instead, he moved away from the pink haired boy and returned to the same window sill he had his hands tightly gripping on that cold sill.
"I am nothing." Tyler begins, his eyes start to form tears that'd stream down his face. He can't hold back now.
The window was wide open but the poor boy's heart was intact filled with bottled emotions. It was peculiar but Tyler felt like he did something wrong. Or more like, he feels wrong. He probably did not believe the reality and so, he relies on his delusional mind. Was there any way to break through this?
Tyler felt like he could burst any second but he just cried and cried, one hand on his chest and the other remained on that slab of stone.
"I should've ended this earlier." Tyler laughs.
Hesitantly, Josh inched closer to the sad boy. Each step of his felt like a task. He was shaking with every step he made.
"You're definitely something." Josh says, his arms wrapping Tyler's slim figure from behind.
And now, again, Tyler felt something. It was a different kind of something.
The ache, the pain, the tears. It slowly subsided. He felt safe?
___*___
"Tell me. Why were you in the hospital that Tuesday? How did you even find out?"
"I came to visit you at the coffee shop. I wanted to see you.When I arrived, I can't believe I'd see you in a situation such as that. It scared me. Weirdly enough, I was the one who took you to the hospital."
"And you say this is the second time we're meeting." Tyler chuckles, even though it was not even a laughing matter.
"You are such a weirdo." Josh says, shoving some of the fries in his mouth.
What an odd boy, he thinks. Josh shakes his head, "I literally saved your life and you just laugh it off. But you know what, you're welcome."
"Well, thank you, mister." For some reason, Tyler won't stop laughing.
"Josh Dun, you?" Josh smiles, then he laughs and he offers his hand.
Shaking Josh's hand, Tyler brightly smiles. "Tyler. Tyler Joseph."
___*___
"You play the drums?"
"Yes." Josh responds softly, as he dropped two sugar cubes in to the cup of hot tea.
"I used to have a toy piano. It was pretty sick."
Josh chuckles as he hands him the cup of tea.
"So, twenty huh? Do you have someone you uh.. fancy?"
Tyler's smile fades, "It's just me for now, I guess."
"Oh." Josh felt bad asking, especially when the boy seems to be going through a lot already. "Sorry."
Tyler shakes his head, slightly smiling. "No.. no. I don't know. What I'm about to say right now might be overly dramatic."
Josh nods, "It's okay, Tyler." With that, Tyler resumes, "My mind is wrapped around the idea that I probably will just grow old, forgetting where to go, the worst thought is I could die alone. There could be a day that I'm just like dust, I'd be gone and forgotten. I don't like these thoughts. I'd love to try to keep my head up and feel that incredible feeling of what it really is like to be alive. I'm pretty pessimistic almost hundred per cent of the time and that is not okay. That is one more thing. I doubt myself a lot. If I ever do find someone to be with, don't you think they'd be tired of me? There are so many outcomes to everything and sometimes, I just can't sleep."
Tyler gulps, placing his hand on his face. He does not want to cry, but he lets out the tears.
"Everyone has.. something they love to do. They have ambitions. Priorities. And then there's me, a stray of nothingness. I'm so lost, Josh.."
Josh sits beside Tyler, enveloping the boy and pulls him closer.
"I'm pathetic. I sound so desperate.." Tyler breathes out, a mess of cries and tears stained Josh's shirt.
"You're not, Tyler." Josh says, caressing Tyler's back in an attempt to ease the pain this boy felt.
"I'm being emotional and ranting to a stranger I met in a pub."
And even if he was a wreck, he manages to laugh.
"Not to mention, a guy who didn't intend on seeing what a wreck I am the next day. Why did you not just leave me there?"
"Now, now, everyone panicked and let's just say, I was the one who was.. Even if it's quite crazy to say, I was the one calm enough to carry you to my car and drive you to the nearest hospital. Yeah, crazy."
Tyler laughs again, his breathing seeming to slow down to a steady pace.
"Can we be friends?" Josh asks.
"Are we not already?" Tyler giggles, pushing Josh off of him playfully.
"Tyler, you're really a weirdo."
___*___
A few groans and whines could be heard from Tyler who apparently had just woken up. Eleven in the morning. Again. On a Sunday.
Josh, however was preoccupied on a more exhausting task.Folded clothes are separated from the other necessities that momentarily remained on the wooden table. The dark blue luggage was placed vertically on the ground and dragged toward the side of the wardrobe.
"Uhm.. Joshh.." Tyler dazedly looks up at Josh.
"Good morning, early worm." Josh sarcastically responds. He bent down to pick up a book and turns to smile at a yawning boy.
Josh could not stop smiling. It's been five months since they first met and Tyler now lives with Josh.
"Had fun last night?"
Tyler averts his eyes, bites his swollen lips, and with his head down, he can't help but to grin like a beaming idiot. Almost like the sun from Teletubbies but, no, it is the kind of grin that would eventually show your teeth, your cheeks have that shade of pink to match your overwhelmed heart.
As cliché as it sounds and perhaps, as events from last night have already confirmed it, it is appropriate to say, the two boys have grown deeply attached with each other and they are in love.
"I don't deserve such an angelic presence as yours." Josh says, his hand gently caressing Tyler's cheek.
"Joshua Dun, stop being such a Shakespeare." Tyler puts a hand over his mouth, hiding the evident smile on his lips.
"Don't hide that smile, Tyler." Josh sighed, then puts both his hands on Tyler's face, releasing the boy's hand from his mouth.
"I..I." The words were there but Tyler found it a bit difficult to let them flow out of his mouth. He loves Josh. He wasn't used to saying it.
"I love you too."
"Sorry." Tyler apologises, his eyes gazing down on his hands. Josh picks his chin up, stares at those uniquely mesmerising brown eyes and breaks the gap their faces had, foreheads touching.
Josh placed a quick, lingering kiss on the boy's lips. "You're a special kind of beautiful."
Another kiss, he says, "You're my angel. Tyler."
A final kiss and Josh intertwines his hands with Tyler's, "You make me happy."
Tyler shakes his head, in disapproval but his eyes were showing this sort of happiness mixed that he only felt now, and he smiles again.
"Josh, thank you."
But, Tyler does not stop there. "Thank you for not letting me be gone. You help me a lot in understanding my purpose better. I feel better. I'm so happy to say that this guy I met in a pub who I also referred to as Roberto is that person who saved my life. You saved me.. caught me and it makes sense now."
"Together?"
"Together." Tyler giggles.
"Right, we have a show tonight. You down for it?"
"Of course, dude."
___*___
The glimmering flashes of light and voices in unison are enough to confirm the fact that it was a beautiful night; a beautiful time to be alive.
No one cared about anything else but the words that were sung. These phrases that were once contemplated whether it fitted the implied story.
Perhaps, the words and phrases and implied story was not simply told. It was vague but the moment you dig into it, you find something.
"I want to know you
I want to see
I want to say
Hello"
At this moment, Tyler felt something. No, it did not ache nor suffocate him. He was happy.
Tyler sang not with his mouth, but his heart.
Josh was there. He felt it too.