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“Atsushi-kun !” Dazai yells for Atsushi as if he wasn’t right next to him.
“No Dazai-san I won’t do your reports, you’ve already done some of it.” Atsushi takes a look over at Dazai’s area flipping through the small pile of work Dazai’s actually done. But Fukuzawa and Kunikida had just come back from a meeting with some news. At the sight of Kunikida Dazai jumps, after not seeing Kunikida, and not being able to annoy someone all day takes a toll on Dazai.
“Get off of me Dazai!” And just like Dazai has been flip off Kunikida, and on his ass on the floor.
“The president has asked me to update all of your personal files so we’ll do that now, Dazai get off the floor.” Yosano, and Ranpo share a look and can’t help but laugh at how Kunikida put Dazai on the floor and is now asking for him to get up. But Dazai still stands up in the most animated way just to go sit down.
“Age we know, height. Atsushi-kun, how tall are you?” And like that the endless questions start, and continue. At this point Dazai’s Thought over all the ways to commit suicide by now, until Kunikida gets to this question.
“Relationship status should be the same as last year, everyone's single. Right?" Everyone in the room laughed at Kunikida’s “Joke”. Except for Ranpo, and Dazai, as Kunikida was actually incorrect.
“Umm Kunikida-san you may need to look at your papers again.” Kunikida looks down at his papers of last year and notices a small detail that shocked Kunikida greatly.
“What’s wrong Kunikida-san?” Kenji innocently asks.
“DAZAI, YOU’RE MARRIED!?” Everyone in the agency audibly gasps, except for Ranpo and Dazai who already knew obviously. The tea Yosano was drinking is now on the floor, from both how she dropped the cup and when she choked and spat out all the tea. Junichirou and Naomi who were “cuddling” like they normally are actually stopped at the words said by Kunikida.
“You’ve got to be joking? Right?” Kunikida couldn’t answer, he still stood in shock with all the color draining from his face.
“Nope! Dang it, I'm out of snacks!” Ranpo finally speaks up to address the situation. Dazai decides to sit up and watch the chaos he caused so easily.
“How about I call my dear, dear wife to come to the agency.” See Ranpo wasn’t shocked by him being married, Ranpo figured that out easily, but when he said “his wife” caught Ranpo completely off guard, to the point where Ranpo was now choking on the crumbs of his snacks.
“Dazai-san you have a… Wife?” Dazai wasn’t the type to have a wife if you know what I mean, but they still asked.
“Give me one sec. Hi Chibi! Can you come to the agency like right now?” That sentence was followed by a couple sad looks, and finally he hung up.
“Give it 10 minutes maybe?” Now with that answer in the air the agency is spiraling, and for once Dazai’s actually doing his work well really slowly, but with all the chaos he just caused he really didn’t have anything to do. Kunikida sat not so still with his pen, writing, and writing more into his notebook trying to add stuff about Dazai’s unexpected marriage.
Atsushi on the other hand is currently talking to Junichiro trying to figure out if Dazai really had a wife. But they were both stumped. Ranpo too was trying to figure out this big mystery, but was unsure when to talk to the president. (That’s where he had received the answer.) Kenji and Yosano were also talking about wondering what this “Lady” looked like whilst cleaning up the tea that was dropped onto the ground earlier. But no one was close. Those long ten minutes finally pass and a car pulls up in front of the agency. Everyone is trying to take a peek at who it was but no one was able to get a good look.
“Damn it Mackerel made me come to the fucking agency again for no reason at all.” A familiar voice treaded up the stairs into the Agency, to meet the eyes of everyone. But Dazai said he had a wife, and this voice clearly didn’t sound very feminine. Dazai ran straight to the door without any hesitation blocking the view of the person.
“Oh the poor slug, do you want me to jump off a clif for you, maybe you could kill me yourself!?” And as he went in for a big bear hug, Dazai had been put on his ass… Again.
“Fuck you.” Stares directed at none other than Chuuya Nakahara the port mafia executive.
“Dazai-san you said you have a wife? Is Chuuya-san a girl?” Kenji looked just as confused as everyone else staring down Chuuya.
“The fuck I’m not a girl what the hell have you been telling them?” Chuuya picks up Dazai by the collar looking like he’s ready to end his life right then and there. Ranpo and Yosano start gossiping.
“Are they really married?” Yosano starts.
“I guess so!” Ranpo then finishes right before Kunikida looks up to the scene unfolding in the Armed Detective Agency. And a small crack was followed by an explosion of ink from Kunikida’s pen that he had been writing with at the time. A bright beautiful day had turned into a mess with ink splattered all over important documents.
After cleaning up the mess caused by Kunikida’s pen, Dazai and Chuuya had decided to give an explanation for what happened.
“Well me and Chibi were sent on a mission where we had to fake a relationship to infiltrate a rival business and well at the age of 16 I developed feelings, and then later at 18 we got married. Then I left the Port Mafia and freaked out Chuuya and we almost filed for a divorce until a bit ago when we met once again. Luckily we were able to talk it out but Chibi was very mad at me and I got the silent treatment a lot.” Chuuya side eyed Dazai as he spoke but for the most part he stayed silent. At this point Kunikida had paced around the office over 50 times, Atsushi had passed out for about 3 minutes, and Yosano and Ranpo had already made bets.
And to cause even more panic Dazai leaned in for a kiss right before Chuuya left. And yes he was successful in both getting that kiss, and causing mass chaos through the Agency. Also those files with personal info were covered in ink and were then filled out by the president to not have Kunikida break another pen just thinking about how Dazai’s married. The End.