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Alex missed Aaron.
It was a simple truth about his existence. He'd lived his entire life with his brother, only to be violently separated from him. He'd tried and he'd failed to convince Aaron to come with him to Artimé, and now…
And now.
He hadn't seen Aaron in weeks, and certainly hadn't spoken to him, and it had been far longer still since they had last existed together, as a pair.
He knew he wasn't alone in this. When new people asked if he had a sibling, he faltered as he debated whether to say yes, but or to simply leave it as a no. Not anymore, at least. But everybody knew what that pause meant; it was as much of an answer as the other two options. Plenty of people had family in Quill that they no longer spoke to, and that was simply the way of the world.
But Aaron should've been different. He was creative, too, surely miserable trapped behind that wall, and didn't he care that Alex wanted him back? Was that not enough? They'd had something special. They were so similar, deep down. Alex understood him. So why was he still so insistent upon hiding away?
It was like he was determined to make himself hurt. He'd fit into the patterns of his dull little life and he'd probably complain all the way. For what? Artimé was right here. It was right here with open arms and nothing but love, and Aaron did not want it.
All his friends knew, at least, but now Lani had Henry and Meghan had Sean. It was always awkward, when they brought up their brothers, then seemed to stop and look at Alex with pity. He tried not to feel too jealous. They were just living their lives; there was no need for them to dance around the gaping hole where Aaron should have been. That was Alex's burden, and one he was still struggling to cope with.
Hot days started to feel like afternoons walking home from school with him, Aaron getting the slightest bit mad when Alex walked faster and looked back at him. Every glimpse of a Necessary in tattered Quillen clothes with his build made Alex's heart leap, just to fill him with disappointment when they turned and it wasn't Aaron. Some nights, he'd lay there awake, wondering what he would do if his brother knocked on his door, right now. He had so many things he wanted to show him.
Then he'd get up, and toss on his shoes, and wander down the dimly-lit hallways.
Sometimes, even still, Samheed similarly found his way here, but it wasn't as common as it had been in the past. Most nights, Alex was entirely alone with his grief for a person who was still alive. It was the greatest pain he knew—second only to the bloody reminder Aaron had given him about it.
He tossed a small origami dragon down the hallway, as Samheed had taught him. He was an only child, always had been, but Alex suddenly wondered if he didn't feel this way about Will. If he did, he refused to talk about it. It was easier to leave the wound alone than to rip it back open, Alex supposed.
The glass wall at the end of the not-so-secret hallway was down, and Alex quietly wandered towards the office at the end, once again wondering where each and every door led. What other secrets was Mr. Today hiding behind them?
He was curious, but he still felt his heart twist with shame as he thought about how Mr. Today must feel about entrusting him with secrets like that. With anything, really. The head mage had made it clear how much he liked Alex, sure, during and after the battle with Quill. Alex didn't really understand why. He'd made a mess of things, trying to get Aaron back. It was a miracle he was still alive, and it would've been his own fault if he wasn't. Just another mistake.
Sneaking into the not-so-secret hallway, even though it was open for anyone to come and go, now, didn't help the feeling. The thing he'd come here for—the little blackboard glimpses into Quill—hung in their spot, on the wall of Mr. Today's office. This had been how he'd made the 3-D door; he wondered if Mr. Today still had it, locked up, in a drawer somewhere. It made him feel even more like he was doing something wrong.
He gingerly took a seat in front of the mage's desk. He imagined he was in deep trouble and was getting a stern talking-to, but he was alone, save for what little could be seen of Quill in the dark.
It looked the same as ever, dark and still and lifeless. Each screen cycled through its own set of different locations, most entirely bereft of life in these late-night hours. He focused mostly on the screen that he knew, eventually, would show him Aaron's dorm room, but his mind wandered in the meantime.
He wondered what all the animals in the farms did at this hour, whether they struggled to fall asleep as he did. He wondered how many children were in those little Quillen houses, how many already had infractions on their records, and whether they were afraid, now that they knew they would be sent off to Artimé. He wondered if his parents were asleep right now.
He missed them, too, if he had to admit it to himself. Perhaps it was just nostalgia for a simpler time, when he was simply doomed and that was that, when he wasn't allowed to feel his feelings and had no opportunity to change a single thing. But he didn't miss Quill in the same way he missed them. They, too, could have come to Artimé and found a way to be happy, just like so many other Necessaries. They just…didn't seem to want to. Like Aaron.
Alex imagined what they would say, if he spoke to them now and invited them here. His father, perhaps, would be confused, would ask why he should want to move away from his house and his job and his whole life. He wouldn't see the appeal in leaving Quill. His mother would shake her head, shush him if he'd listen, pretend like he wasn't speaking if he wouldn't.
That was assuming that they would even speak to him. Meghan's parents hadn't wanted to speak to her, and when they'd finally relented, they'd had nothing good to say. His parents, likely, would be the same way. They'd succeeded with Aaron; why would they need to accept the bad son when they still had the good one?
If he sat at the table in his childhood home, would his parents still feed him? Or would it be a waste, in their eyes?
The true answer to that was that he wouldn't want to take what little they had. Food, water, peace. Artimé struggled for nothing. There was no need to consider the hypothetical, and he pushed it out of his mind. He was meant to be watching for Aaron, no matter how small of a glimpse it was, just to confirm that he was still there.
The screens were silent as they clicked through their images. The world around him was utterly still, save for the way the changing scenes altered the light falling across everything, slightly.
It was in moments like this, where all was tranquil, that his brain had learned to imagine sharp changes. Something in him anticipated a sudden loud noise, or for something to come out of the shadows, or…he wasn't really sure what, just that he was on alert for it.
It never made him any more prepared, and he still jumped when he heard footsteps coming down the hallway. He turned quickly, looking out of the open office door to see Mr. Today walking down the hallway, from the rest of the mansion. He debated, for a moment, staying as still as possible, so perhaps the head mage would not notice him. He decided to raise his hand in a small wave.
"Ah! Alex," he said warmly.
"Hi, Mr. Today. I didn't expect you to be awake, too."
"I was taking a midnight stroll," the old mage explained. "It seems we're rather alike in that regard."
Alex felt like he'd been caught red-handed, but Mr. Today didn't send him away as he walked in and took a seat across from Alex. He turned his chair so he, too, was looking at Quill.
"Anything amiss with our neighbors?"
"Not that I've seen," Alex replied. "They don't appreciate a good late-night wander like we do."
"A pity. Someday, perhaps, they'll learn."
The two silently watched the screens for a few moments. Nothing changed, in Quill.
Finally, Mr. Today spoke. "Did you come to check on Aaron, again?"
Alex nodded, then realized the mage was still turned away from him and couldn't see that. "Yes, sir," he whispered.
He expected some advice, or perhaps a reprimand, from Mr. Today. Instead, the two of them simply fell back into silence. Eventually, Aaron's dorm room appeared, and Alex leaned in over the desk to study it. There, in the darkness, was Aaron, asleep and still.
He let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding, and Mr. Today nodded. "Still there." He turned his chair back around to look at Alex. "Was that all?"
"Yes. Sorry to keep you awake, sir." Alex stood to leave, but Mr. Today put a hand on his arm and gestured for him to sit back down.
"There's more on your mind, isn't there? Come, sit."
So Alex did, but he couldn't really find anything to say. He hoped that Mr. Today would take control of the conversation, and luckily for him, he did.
"It's hard, losing a sibling the way you did. Having them live on, and hate you. Are you doing alright?"
"Admittedly, Mr. Today…not really." Alex folded his arms on the table in front of him, burying his hands in the crooks of his elbows so he wouldn't pick at his nails in front of the great mage. The temptation was still there, as it always was, but he tried to ignore it. "I still think about him, all day, every day. The things he said to me. The things he did to me."
"Yes," Mr. Today said softly, with an overwhelming amount of sorrow in his voice. "Yes, I understand that feeling quite well."
"I keep replaying it in my head. The night when I tried to convince him to come. All the things I could've said instead, that could've changed his mind."
Mr. Today reached out and gently pet the top of Alex's head, ruffling his hair. Alex tensed, finding the gesture rather strange, before he accepted it as something comforting. Tears started to rush to his eyes, and he felt the familiar prickling in his throat and nose, the warning that he was about to start crying and had no way to stop it.
"You can't change it now, my boy. It's hard to accept, but it's true. The choice is entirely Aaron's, either way. Perhaps he'll change his mind. Perhaps he won't."
"He won't. I know he won't, even though I want him to. He doesn't want me," Alex mumbled. A miserable laugh forced its way through the tears. "Doesn't want me. I'm Unwanted all over again."
After a quiet moment of Mr. Today petting Alex's head, the boy asked, "Does it ever get any easier? Does this pain ever pass?"
The old mage just sighed. "I wouldn't know. For you, perhaps, it will."
"You sound like you don't believe it."
"I've believed in a lot of things," Mr. Today said. "Some for the better, some for the worse. My old age hasn't entirely eliminated my hope, but, well… You saw how it went with Justine."
Alex hummed. A disaster, that had been. He still felt bad, for being the one responsible for the two of them finally having a confrontation. Mr. Today seemed lost in his own thoughts for a moment, retracting his hand, and Alex let his own mind wander once more. How cruel this all was! Even if blood meant nothing, when it came to connecting him with Aaron—wasn't a shared childhood enough? Weren't all the late-night conversations and secrets enough? Wasn't he enough?
Maybe Quill had been right, to try to destroy these feelings entirely. He wished he didn't care, wished he could bury it all and move on with his life. But then Alex glanced back at Mr. Today, and he felt bad for thinking such a thing. He'd seen both sides, and he'd fought for kids like Alex to be able to feel this way. No; he had to work through these feelings, no matter how much they hurt.
Again, Mr. Today took a deep breath, and broke the silence. "None of this is easy, my boy. You will mess it up, but… I think it's important that you try. I've destroyed so many relationships in my time, ruined so many lives…"
It was always bizarre, to hear him speak this way. Alex felt like he'd walked into something he shouldn't have been seeing—but then again, here he sat, in the secret hallway in the dead of night. Mr. Today was typically so kind, and funny, and lively, but now he sat grave and regretful in his chair.
He seemed to want to say more, but eventually he just shook his head. "You ought to get some sleep, Alex. You have classes in the morning. You need rest to do well."
Alex nodded, wiping the tears from his eyes with a sniffle. "Sorry again for keeping you up, sir. Thank you for talking to me."
"The pleasure is all mine, my boy. I see a lot of myself in you. If there's anything I can do to help you, I will try my best—though I don't guarantee how much help I'll be, what with my track record." The head mage of Artimé smiled and stood, and he softly closed the office door behind Alex as he left.
Thinking about returning to bed made Alex feel rather sick. He didn't much want to sit in the dark, alone, silent, with thoughts of Aaron still plaguing him. He wandered out onto the balcony of the second floor, gazing down at Simber and Florence, still and quiet.
After a moment of debating it with himself, Alex turned down the hallway Meghan lived in, studying the doors until he recognized hers. He felt bad for waking her, but he knew she wouldn't turn down a sleepover, no matter how late in the night it was. Maybe he'd finally be able to sleep and ignore how much he missed his brother.