Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1. Questions 

It was December when my friend of 4 years told me to guess. 

“Guess?”

She, Ines, stared at me with a crude smile. It was deep enough in the winter where I needed a scarf to cover half my face, with flimsy mittens that hardly did anything. We were under the protection of an awning that weakly hummed heat far above our heads. The train tracks were right next to us, and the last train had just passed. It was around 6:30, dark, when she stopped me with this demand. We were waiting for our parents to pick us up. 

“Yeah. Guess what,” 

I didn’t answer but a part of me knew what she was going to say. 

“Someone has a crush on you.” 

I chuckled. “Seriously?” 

She almost looked offended. “Dude. Yes.” A balloon of silence filled up the cold. She stared at me crudely. I shrugged, confused on how to respond. 

“Don’t you want to know who it is?” 

We had talked about this before. It was something she always liked to bring up whenever she didn’t know what else to say. The first and only time she surprised me with this kind of information was when we were walking down the block to school when she mentioned half-hazardly that her and a girl named Julie were talking about their “what if’s” at school. What if they were dating this guy? 

I knew of Julie. She was always walking around school talking loudly. She was friends with almost everyone, at least that’s what it looked like. I knew she jumped from friend group to friend group, but through it all, always had a smile on her face. She had a sass and yet at the same time an irrevocable kindness that fused seamlessly together. I had two classes with her that year, and the year before. I witnessed her first hand. She was easy to tease. 

Apart from the constant bickering I always found myself with her, I didn’t know her very well. Ines did. 

“Julie said she could see herself with you.” 

She was talking about their gossip conversations. 

I nervously laughed. “Oh..”

“How do you feel about that?”

My friend was not one to be indirect.

I shrugged, shy, “I don’t know. Good for her I guess.”

She smiled at me, shocked. “Is that all you have to say?”

What else could there be to say? I hardly knew Julie. I had asked her and another classmate to be part of a film project for class before, I talked with her in class. That was about the extent of my interactions with her. How could I have an opinion? 

Both times, she told me about this, both times I asked: “Are you even supposed to be telling me this?” 

Under the awning, shivering from the cold, my friend said, “it doesn’t matter. Just—would you date them?” 

+++

There was this guy, in my church, who always wore a sweater with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Every Sunday, he came inside the gym with all the chairs lined up perfectly in a row, and wore that same sweater. His hair was dark, and soft—at least it looked soft, I could never tell—and it was hair that always managed to catch my attention. 

I was a child, maybe 3 years younger than him, but every time I was near him, his kind and round eyes were always there waiting for me. For the years that my family attended church, it was him I stared at. While I, shy and awkward, sat in the chairs with a notebook in my lap filled with drawings, he, the resident DJ of the church, stayed in the corner of the gym, barricaded by the sound systems.

 I could never tell what he was doing. Some days he would sit in a chair, low enough that I couldn't see the bottom half of his face, and other days, he would be standing, just watching the computer in front of him. On days that I looked hard enough, I could see his head bobbing the music he played as he stood. When the worship part of the church was over, he would gently close the computer, tuck in his chair under the cable-buried table, and walk silently over the chairs behind me, the spot where his family always sat. 

We went to church long enough that he and his brother became friends with my mine. Whenever my brother hung out with him after church, laughing violently on the empty rows of chairs, I would stay calculatingly close, pretending I wasn't listening. My eyes never left the pages beneath me, forcing myself to keep drawing cartoons, words, comic book figures so I wouldn't accidentally make eye contact with him. 

Yet while my eyes refused to betray me, it was my ears that did it for them instead. His voice was sweet. A calm and respectful kind of tone that knew how to be sarcastic and wise at the same time. His smile always grew so big that it was almost attractive. A smile so free and confident that I questioned where he learned to do such a thing. 

He was my brother's friend, and so eventually, it came to be that he was also my friend. The boy with the comfortable sweater and leisurely way of moving, was no longer an exhibition of mysterious charm, but a warm body with real skin that often laughed with me. Whenever he invited my brother to help him set up the speakers for the gospel music, or look at the songs he’s decided to queue on, I was there with him. 

It didn’t feel real. I was finally behind the table, looking at the same things he was. It was all so liberating. I could see the program he used to play music, where he kept his bible, the rugged mess of cables he kicked when he thought no one was looking. I sat on the chair as he led my brother to open some bags, and a sense of satisfaction overwhelmed my body. 

I toyed with the computer, looked through the notes he wrote, the pen he wrote it with, and thought, I could do this. 

Despite being a child, I imagined myself where he was, a boy trusted with authority, a boy that knew how to joke without hurting someone. A boy with hair so unruly and perfect that turned eyes green. My brother came back with bags of cables, the boy, Kenny, following suit carrying a speaker with him. I lit up, excited, and wondered if he could teach me the things he did behind the table. 

+++

I blinked, and looked again at my friend, who was excitedly waiting for an answer.“I don’t know. I don't really like people—like that.”

A hollow wind whipped by my scarf, and I readjusted, looking down at my feet. 

“What do you mean.” 

“I mean that I—I don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

+++

I told my brother that I had a crush on Kenny. We were in my room, the door closed, and a clock that read 12:48 AM. I was finishing my math homework due for the monday we came back from the weekend, and he was counting off the amount of girls he liked since starting middle school. Emily, Stephanie, Alexa, and others I forgot about as I tuned out more and more names the closer he reached ten. It was the first time I had a full conversation with him since he started a new school. I continued to work on the math problems until he finally stopped. 

“Yeah. That’s about it”

I chuckled annoyingly, “When do you find the time to get all these crushes. It’s like you're just going until you get all the girls.”

He threw a pillow at my head. “Shut up, it was only like 10 girls. It’s a big school.” 

Still. If his habits weren't so concerning, it would be absurdly comedic. “I can’t believe you.” I said. “You started like, 2 months ago, how are you already getting like—love-struck.”

“You act like you’ve never had a crush on somebody.” He leaned over the table we shared, and smiled.  “I know you like Kenny.” 

I stopped my pencil. 

Kenny? Kenny?

“You’re crazy.”

He leaned back. “I mean it’s kinda obvious.” 

I looked at his smug face, the mischievous kind of expression that he’s had before, one that always meant he wasn’t kidding around. Kenny was a friend of mine, someone I looked forward to talking to at church. He made me laugh, energized me. He invited me to his DJ station and taught me all he knew. He was perfect, no need for all that extra stuff. 

“I don’t have a crush on him.” 

“Yeah right.” 

“I’m serious.” I sat up. “How would I even—it’s not—.” I threw my pencil at him. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

He dodged and held his hands up in surrender. My friends always had sappy looking faces whenever they confided in me and indulged in talking about their crush. They always talked about being happy near them, nervous, excited. They wanted to hold their hand, hug them. 

I imagined myself holding Kenny’s hand. Walking around the gym swinging our arms back and forth. Joking around. Making heart eyes at each other—or whatever it was that people did.

But the time I would spend hugging him could be time spent behind the station, learning things. It could be time used to get me closer to officially standing behind the station during worship. 

My brother went back to playing with the books on my bedside. “Everyone has a crush on him. Just saying…” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He shrugged. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he also won against the other team.” 

I stared dumb-foundly.

“You think I’m—like that?”

He leaned in his chair. “What? Gay?” He shrugged. “Maybe. But isn't that the new thing now?” Playing with my hands, my stomach churned inside my rolling stomach. He went back to shuffling through my books. “He’s basically perfect. Girls love him at his school.” He lifted a book to read it. “Even I can admit it.”

I swallowed hard. 

“Can’t you?”

I felt my hands sweat. 

“Yeah.”

I looked up and chuckled. “You got me.” My shoulders were stiff. 

He laughed at me, and his smile was so warm. “I knew it!” He threw one of my books at me. “Hey!” “You're just like all those girls! Swooning and sighing!” 

He dramatically grabbed his hair and played with his invisible ponytail “Oh! Please I love you, I want to kiss you.” He mocked.

I laughed, and threw the book back. “You’re so annoying!” 

He caught the book and his laughing dwindled. Suddenly his phone pinged. He opened it and smirked. “It's him~” He joked, swinging the phone in my face.

I laughed nervously, and a silence fell over the room as his fingers tapped away at his phone. 

“Dont—” I start. He looks up. “Don’t tell him, okay?”

My brother laughed again, nodding. “Fine, fine.” 

I sighed as he looked back down, still smiling. 

That was the right thing to say. 

Right? 

+++

Ines laughed. “You’ve never had a crush before. Like at all?” 

It was at this point where I was getting tired of repeating myself. “Yes. Do you—what about that does that not make sense dude.” 

“Sorry, sorry. Just—”

She eyed me up and down critiquingly. “Seriously?”

I sighed. How much longer until my mom came to pick me up? “Yeah”

“What about Alexis?”

“What about her?”

“Didn’t she like, like you”

She did. We haven’t talked in 2 years. 

“Why is that important?”

Ines shrugged. 

Snow began to fall. Small flakes withered down. Some, those that managed to sneak inside the awning, landed on her shoulder. Julie was a nice girl. She had locs that were dyed a gradient purple, and a smile that was as pretty as her cheeks. She was easy to get along with. 

“I don't get crushes.”

+++

I became involved with the Theater production at my school, and eventually, hanging out with Julie became the norm. I saw her everyday after school, and the bickering I already endured in class was a bickering I found myself having with her then as well. Julie was a girl I’ve met before. Unnecessary enthusiastic about everything, who often made crude jokes that, more often than not, managed to get everyone to crack up. 

She was excitedly welcoming, and to someone who first meets her, she would seem like she owns the title “popular girl.” Maybe if she had been just a little bit different, she would be the popular girl that no one liked. But it would be that she had a kind enough heart that she deserved the love she received. She was the one who made anyone comfortable to be near to. Even, I, as an inherently introverted boy, found myself drawn to her. 

Interestingly so, she wasn’t the kind of girl to be immediately sacrificial. She was brash, and annoying. She wasn’t afraid to punch someone if she wanted to, even if it was jokingly. No one was allowed to disrespect her, and she wasn’t held back from anything to let them know. So if I wanted to ask her why she thought that doing her homework  the period before it’s due was a smart idea, I would get a response that sounded like “Because it is, genius” and would have a pencil thrown at me. 

Of course, the rougher sides of her personality were never serious. She was my little sister, someone I loved unconditionally but occasionally would need to wrestle with or indulge in insulting her, as would all brothers. 

So I became close with her. During rehearsals it would be easy to just begin tormenting each other, laughing at all of our faults. For every joke she made, the quips she thought were funny, in the back of my mind, I wondered, when was the exact moment that she decided she would have a crush on me. 

+++

I forgot about the secret I told my brother until the morning we had an argument.

“Open the door!” 

I was laying on my stomach, reading on my bed next to my dog, trying to ignore his yelling. He was trying to get something from my room, something that was very much mine and that he didn’t need (deodorant), and I didn’t want to get up to give it to him. 

“Dude! I’m gonna smell!”

“You should've grabbed it when I told you to before you showered” I responded, petting Soup.“!Puta Madre! Abre la puerta before I bash your head in!.”

He started to bang on the door, a swift thudding sound. I sighed and rolled my eyes. I threw my legs over the bed and snatched the deodorant sitting perfectly on my desk and trudged over to the door. I cracked it open and tossed it to his head. “Here,” and he turned around just in time to fumble it and drop it. “You’re lucky I’m nice” I said, closing the door. 

I flopped back down on my bed, picking up the book. 

A few moments and another knock reverberated on my door, my brother poked his head in. “I’m telling Kenny you have a crush on him since you were such a bitch.”

He left cackling and a rope of fear tugged around my neck, dragging me onto my bed. Something about the way he said made it sound so surreal. A feeling so vague in my chest, teetering between the lines of respect and love. He was going to tell him. He was going to lie to him. He was going to do it. He was going to tell Kenny about a feeling so in between itself that the knots it formed were the only defined things about it. Sure, I told my brother I had a crush on Kenny. But it wasn’t even real. If I was going to be embarrassed it's because I defamed myself, and I dragged Kenny along with me. 

My phone pinged and in it was the devastatingly petty notice that my brother made a group chat with all of us in it. Kenny, him, and I, got the same message “Mateo has a crush on you.” A horribly low scream came out of my throat. Kenny wasn’t the kind of religious that leaned on the bible to justify his outdated morals. I sometimes caught him smiling at the old ladies that often sat considerably close to each other. I knew Kenny was kind.

 But I also knew that never in my friendship with him had he hinted at the fact that he was interested in his friend’s brother, especially not one who was clearly younger than him. I knew how Kenny would react, and I hated him for it. Already, before he could even look at me with pitiful eyes on the few Sundays we hung out, did I hate how it was so unnecessary.

 I saw Kenny's reply. “For real?” And really, how much more impact would it have if I just confirmed it? My brother already did most of the work. There was no point in trying to hide it. I replied: “Yes.” I saw my brother type message after message. How do you feel about it Kenny? Are you going to respond? Do you like boys like that?

I was mortified, yes, but there was also a fogginess in my brain that was mostly confused. There's more after a confession?

+++

I would ask Julie to help me with my English essays. On a Tuesday night I got a grade I despised and texted her asking if I could look over how she did her essay. She agreed. For the next few weeks it came to be that she would look over my writing and tell me it’s shit. 

“Can you—explain this. I don’t really know what you’re trying to say.” 

I looked up from my notes, and groaned. “Stop, I’m gonna kill myself.” 

“Oh my god you’re so overdramatic” she turned her computer, “just explain dude. jeez” 

I closed the computer lid, and slid it towards me. “I think we should just give up.” 

She slapped my hand, “Don’t tell me what to do. And don’t touch my computer.” She tugged her computer back and I dropped my head on the table. 

I groaned even more, and she tapped my shoulder “There, there, get up.” I took a glance from my folded arms and she took her hand back. “It’s not even that bad, you just use unnecessary words. It makes it harder to understand your point.” 

“Wow, that makes me feel so much better.” 

She huffed. “So do something about it? I’m not gonna help you if you don’t get up.” 

I pushed myself up and leaned against the table we were standing at and ruffled my hair frustratedly. “I hate this.”

 I leaned on my arm and let myself settle, hair covering my eyesight. I turned over to look at Jullie."I'm a lost cause.”

She huffed and shook her head affectionately. There were stars in her eyes. She leaned on her hand and I deadpanned at her. She gave me a look and raised her eyebrows. I rolled my eyes and sighed. I waited for the next insult. We stared at each other, and the next person to open their mouth was the loser it seemed. I watched as her eyes flipped back and forth between my face and my hair. My cheeks flushed, suddenly embarrassed. I coughed and looked forward but not before she leaned over and softly swiped my hair back into place. I could smell the peach-flower lotion she used. I stared in shock as she pulled back her hand. She smiled teasingly.

 “Don’t go kicking yourself over this. You're good at writing. You just need a little push.” My mouth gaped open just a little. Her cheeks were full. She tucked one of her locs behind her ear as she gave me one last smile. She opened the computer again. “Come on. I’ll show you where you lost me.” I cleared my throat and wiped my hands over my face. 

“Uh–Of–Yeah. Yeah let’s–” I rubbed my neck, fixing my hair. Putting it back to normal. 

I straightened my back and pointed haphazardly at the computer. “Just. Yeah.” She gave me a look. I chuckled nervously, and tilted my chin at her. “What are you looking at?” 

She snorted and shook her head. 

 I watched as she scrolled through my essay. I sighed. 

Her eyes were very brown. 

A couple of weeks flew past and after months of working on our school's theater festival, it was time for opening night. I sat in the dark corner waiting as the production began. It was surreal and I was proud, not just of my play, but of Julie's. Months of helping each other seemed to work out. After her play was done I watched as she snuck behind the curtain and sat on the empty seat next to me. I let out a breathy laugh as she stumbled onto the audience seats. 

“How’d I do?” She prompted jokingly. I rolled my eyes. “Perfect.” 

She leaned over and pushed against my shoulder as she squealed quietly. “I was so nervous.” Instinctively, I leaned away, just a little. I chuckled. “No one could tell.” 

She looked up from where she was hunched. “Don’t lie, I felt it. Everyone hated me.” 

I gave her a light shove with my shoulder.  “You were fine.” 

She laughed. 

Suddenly the lights turned off and it was time for the play Julie directed. I held my breath when I could feel a tap on the shoulder. I looked back at Julie and there she was again, hunched.

 “Hold my hand. I’m getting nervous.” I let out a disbelieving laugh. No way. I looked around in shock, as if I could find someone who would agree with me. I turned back to find her staring at me expectantly. “Seriosuly?” I asked coarsely.  

She frowned and slapped me quietly. “Yes! Don’t be an asshoole.” My heart started thumping against the way my chest tightened. “I–I guess.” I carefully lent out my hand in the air, exposed. She grabbed it and shook it nervously. “I’m so scared. I’m so scared. I’m so scared.” She repeated as the music queued a transition for her play. In between the crevices of our touching thighs, there were our tangled hands. My cheeks flushed in the dark. Someone would see us for sure. Heart twisting, I pointedly watched the play. What was happening? 

+++

“Do you get nervous around him?” My brother asked one day in the car. 

We were waiting for Kenny to come back from the gas station. Our mom was driving all of us to service. It was the first Sunday after the group chat incident. I stopped the water I was drinking. “What?”

He pointed his head towards the gas station. “You know..” I shook my head slowly. “Uh..”

He threw his hands exacerbated. “Kenny.” He took the water from my hands "Because if you do, you're doing a pretty good job at hiding it.” He lifted the bottle and chugged the rest. “You can’t even tell you have a crush on him.” 

Oh.

“Right. Thanks” I nodded. 

I didn’t sit behind the station that Sunday. Or the one that followed. Instead I spent my time during church, sitting outside the auditorium. Instead of looking at the music que on the computer, I sat in the long halls drawing silently in my notebook. It made sense, I supposed, to avoid him. It made sense on TV. When the girl freaked out because her crush was walking closer and closer to her. 

There was also some comfort in sitting in the halls too I guessed. The lie I told my brother was now a lie that Kenny believed. I had no right being around him right now. To the eyes of my brother, I was spending time behind the station only because I wanted Kenny to look at me. He thought that I didn’t care about anything else except his attention. 

Although I hated to admit it, maybe he was right. 

After every service, I would stand outside on the steps of the doorway watching as Kenny laughed with his own brother. I was tugged at by the sound of his soft voice. I often didn’t leave until Kenny drove off with his family back home, or if my mom called me one too many times back to our car. I wanted to stay. 

 I sat on the cold floor halfway and imagined Kenny sitting right next to me, watching me instead, as I drew random doodles. Him with his arm around my back as he whispered softly in my ear, maybe even tried to kiss it as I smiled shyly. Maybe I would hold his hand in my lap. Would I kiss him in return? I shuddered. No way. 

I closed my notebook and I sighed, scanning the hallway I was in. There was a sign for the bathroom down the hall. Pushing myself up, I walked until I reached the dirty sink inside. I locked the door and turned to stand in front of the mirror. The lights flickered above me and I saw the crude and warped expression on my face. 

I threw my notebook on the floor. The lights buzzed. 

I imagined Kenny behind me, asking for a date as he wrapped his hands around my back. I took off my shirt that was so carefully buttoned. I turned on the sink and pressed against the soap dispenser. Once, twice, three times. I rubbed my hands, and started to wrap my fingers around my neck, my ear. The soap glided against my back and my ribs. I pressed against the soap dispenser again and again until my fingers hid behind green liquid. I rubbed my body and every crevice, fast and faster. I scrubbed until I could feel my skin sting and my eyes prickle. I washed it all. 

+++

“You’ve never seen Heathers?” I asked in shock. Her face scrunched. “No way. I never got around to it.” I stared at her frozen. “No way,” I repeated. “There’s just no way.” We were sitting in an empty classroom, this time with math packets set to help us prepare for our last exam. Julie sat across from me, her own set of papers and folders bordering her. 

“We have to fix this.” I said decidedly. She laughed stunned. “What?”

“Yes,” I said, and took the notebook in my lap away. “This is gonna be a whole thing. Snacks. Blankets. All that shit.” 

Julie copied my movements. “What, like a–”

“This is too good. I’m a genius” I proclaimed as I pushed myself to look for my computer. “When are you free?” I said, opening my computer in front of my face. Julie stared at me, mouth agape. “Um, I don’t know.” She rubbed her cheeks lightly. “I guess on Wednesday. That's the last day of exams right?”

I smiled brightly. “Genius.” 

I opened my calendar and typed. Heathers: Julie 4pm.

I lifted my head to find Julie quiet. “What? Speechless? That's a new one.”

She just gave me a look. “Whatever man, I’ll be there for your dumb movie.” 

I rolled my eyes and laughed. “You don’t know what you're missing out on.” 

She picked up her pencil and grabbed her practice sheet, frowning a little. “It must be something special if you're acting like a girl in love for it.” 

I huffed out a laugh. “Youre just a jealous thirdwheel.” 

She dodged it and hummed, attention back onto her math questions. She wouldn’t look at me. “So it's a date now huh?” She tried. 

Incredulously, I laughed, “No way dude,” and leaned back into my seat, copying her. Her smile was gone and she went silent as she went back to studying. I stopped. She really was speechless. And awkward silence filled the room. I went back to my math questions too.

Sooner rather than later Wednesday came around. I woke up early, showering and cleaning my room for one last day of school. I checked my phone, partly expecting any messages from Julie. I left my house and arrived at school with some time to spare. It was 30 minutes before the next exam when I got a ping. 

I can’t hang out today after school. Something came up. Sorry. 

I stared at my phone, and my heart twisted, again. Except this time, I was by myself. I was disappointed. Hurt, was it? I couldn't tell. My hands started to sweat. What possible reason could there be to cancel? It was the last day of school? With a sigh I tried to let it go. 

I sat in the empty classroom Julie and I were in last night, practicing for a presentation, when another one of my friends walked in: Angela. 

“What are you doing here by yourself?” She asked absentmindedly. I shrugged. I sat in front of my computer when she slid across from me, typing away on her phone. 

“Are you excited?” She said, sparing me a glance. I hummed. “For what?”

“Summer dummy,” She responded and set her phone down. “Do you have any plans?”

I shook my head. “Not really. Go home, sleep, maybe watch a movie.” 

I nodded at her. “How about you?” 

Her eyes burst with a controlled excitement, setting her phone down. 

“My boyfriend and I are going to eat out at an Italian restaurant this Friday. We haven’t had a date in such a long time.” She said as she leaned in her chair.

 I smiled. “Sounds fun.” 

She nods and goes back to her phone. Tapping. I play with the buttons on my computer. The clock ticks in the silence. She gave me another look. “Didn’t you have plans with Julie today?” I sat up. “What?”

Once again, she sat her phone down, and I watched as she closed in, like she was going to say some twisted secret. “She canceled right? What were you guys going to do?”

 I stared in shock. “Just watch a movie,” I said slowly. She hummed. “Are you mad she dipped?” I sat still. “Um–not really.” 

“Why not? Aren’t you guys dating?” 

Something heavy dropped in my throat. “No.”

Angela sat back in her chair and sniffed. “Alright.” She gave me one last up and down look. I nodded.

 “Alright.” 

That night I sat on my bed, my computer turned onto Heathers. I was staring at my last message to Julie, a little while after Anglea left the classroom. 

You won’t believe the conversation I just had with Angela.

Next to it: Read 1:38 PM

+++

Our church dissolved after some months. There wasn't enough money to keep it going. As it was, my brother and I stopped seeing Kenny so often. He lived quite a bit away so when the church was gone so was he. I had Kenny’s number, but I never messaged him. 

My brother would push me and say things like:  “Just talk to him. I’m sure he doesn't hate you.” But it wasn't that I was scared of Kenny. It was just too late to contact him again. There wasn't really a point to bother him. 

I spent the last months of the church ignoring him, avoiding him. I didn’t know how to come back from that. It was easier to let it go. 

So after a few years, I eventually forgot about him. 

But somehow I still ended up back in his life. There I was sitting in his driveway as I watched my brother and Kenny laugh at each other. Catching up. My mom surprised us with the visit after school. I sat in the passenger seat sitting with my sleeping baby sister. The only lights that shone were the blue ones from Kenny’s porch. With eyes closed, I listened to the music playing in my headphones so that I couldn't hear the conversation outside. It was strange. I was trespassing wasn’t I? I had no reason to be here.

Suddenly the lights above me turned on and I jumped, eyes opening to catch my brother walking up to Kenny's home. His figure opened the door and disappeared inside. My shoulders were stiffened and I turned to find the culprit. Kenny leaned in, hair fringes softly covering his forehead. I slowly took off my headphones. 

He smiled. “Hey kid.” 

I nodded in return. “What's up?” 

He turned to sit in the driver's seat and closed the door. The lights shut off and he turned to look at me with his dark round eyes. The lights from his porch shone a little inside them. He shrugged awkwardly. “How’s it going?”

I shrugged too, even more awkwardly. “Um, good. Just waiting for everyone.” I played with my hands, “To be finished.”

Kenny nodded. “Yeah. Chill. Chill.” 

I nodded too and turned to look outside the frontside car window. No one was there. Kenny took a big sigh and I turned back. “You know…I missed my little brother…these past few years” He confessed.

I let out a laugh of disbelief, eyes a little white. “What?”

He pushed against the steering wheel. “You know…you always bothered me about the set up we had back at church. Asking me questions and shit.” He gave me a look. “It was annoying.” 

I laughed. “Whatever man,” and swung my head away from him. He laughed in return. “I’m kidding. Obviously,” he started, “but I loved it. My own henchman.” He said and rubbed up the arm that held onto the wheel tightly. “You just looked up to me so much. It made church so much more fun.” 

I hung my head softly and we made eye contact. I smiled sadly. “I–I didn’t know.”

 He let another chuckle. “Yeah, I mean you did avoid me for like, 2 years, so…” He laid his head back against the head rest and teasingly gave me a reprimanding look. “I didn't expect you to know.” 

I gave a slow, accepting, nod. I was waiting for that. “I–Yeah…” 

He turned in his seat properly. He propped his leg up so that he could lean against it. “Why?” 

I shrugged. “I don’t know.” He shook his head. “No. You do.” I rolled my eyes. He was so full of himself sometimes. But he was right. Which was the worst part. 

I brought my hands to rub my arms. “You do too.” I said to the space below his chin. 

And he did. He knew why. He shook his head again and my line of sight went back to him. This time he gave me a softer look. Something akin to understanding. 

It made my stomach hurl. 

“I don’t,” he reaffirmed decidedly, “you never told me.” 

I groaned and hid my face into my hands. The muffled noise prompted a chuckle from my left. I rolled my eyes and forced myself to look at him from my hands. 

“I liked you. I guess.” I sat up and looked at the doors my brother disappeared into. All these years, he stayed friends with Kenny. He was welcomed to his house. I was here. In the isolating night with heavy clouds and no stars to be seen. No Kenny to be friends with.

“I thought avoiding you was…what you wanted. Or at least, it made things easier.” 

I sighed. “My brother told you this–this secret–that wasn’t even true–and I guess I would have rather pretended that it was true than to try and prove why it–why it wasn’t.” 

Kenny sat in the dark, the porch lights illuminating the side of his face. His hair seemed to thin out in it. His cheeks were slim and his eyebrows were furrowed. 

“The secret—that you had a crush on me?”

I nodded and fidgeted with my hands in my lap. “I don’t know why I told him I liked you. It's true in—.” He raised an eyebrow. “—in the sense that I wanted to be you.” I smiled awkwardly.“Thats why I was always behind the speakers with you.” 

He hummed.

“I just–it seemed like the right thing to do.” I confess in my seat. Again, Kenny gave me another look. “Right, in what way?”

I shrugged. “I never got crushes. I didn’t like people, and my brother had a whole—” I gesticulated frustratedly “—list.” I turned to give and I knew that face felt twisted. “I just didn’t want to be the weird one or something. Kids at school already made fun of me for not—having a girlfriend.” I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess it was stupid.”

 He sat quietly, watching me indifferently. I could hear my baby sister snore. The grasshoppers buzzed. I watched as he watched me. 

After a second he closed his eyes and sighed, getting out from his position on the driver's seat. “Mateo, you don’t have to pretend you're something you're not.” “I–I know” I tried. 

“No,” he raised his hand, “if you did, we wouldn’t have stopped being friends.” My shoulders dropped. “People like that exist. Gay people or people” he gave me a contemplative look, like what he was going to say would hurt me, “people who don't fall in love.” 

My eyes fell to Kenny's porch. To his door. He gently set his hand on my shoulder and the weight of it dropped into his touch. “I’m always going to be here for you kid.” I looked to meet his eyes. They softened under my gaze. “You don’t have to avoid me, or whatever, to deal with things on your own.” I gave him a strained smile. 

With so much sincerity, a part of me believed him. I wanted to believe him. 

He ducked to catch my eyes. “Okay?”

I nodded stiffly. “Yeah, okay.”

He nodded one last time and gave my shoulder a tap before ruffling my hair. I sputtered. “H-hey! That's so–” Kenny let out a sharp laugh and opened the driver's side door. 

“That's so uncool!” I said pettily. 

He smirked and got out of the car before slamming the door shut and walking up the driveway. I blew my hair out of my face and grumbled as I watched him stand outside, waiting for the door to open for him. I wanted to believe him. He was awesome like that, but—but it had been too long. My lie was the only thing that existed in between the years I ignored him. I messed things up. 

Whatever accomplishments I was supposed to achieve with “romance” just ruined things. Fake or not. Everyone was more complicated. Everything. All because of some stupid word. I slumped in my set, headphones in my hands. I saw as the door opened to reveal my brother welcoming Kenny in with a hurried hand. 

Kenny, too, disappeared inside. 

+++

Ines laughed at me. “What, so you like, hate love?”